Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
Always wishing to keep this blog interesting I decided that a short review of the “toilet” needs to be told. It’s an important part of our everyday lives but very few people care to hear anything about it. I’ll do the best I can with the information I’ve been able to find.
- Before the invention of toilet paper, people use shells or stones, bunches of herbs or, at best, a bit of sponge attached to a stick, which they rinsed with cold water.
- A Victorian plumber, Thomas Crapper, perfected the system we all use today. The siphon flush which by drawing water uphill through a sealed cistern is both effective and hygienic.
- In Victorian times, toilet seats were always made of wood. The well-to-do set on mahogany or walnut, while the poor put up with untreated white pine.
- The idea of separate cubicles for toilets is a relatively modern invention. The Romans, for example, sat down together in large groups.
- The first toilet air freshener was a pomegranate stuffed with cloves.
- American civil servants’ paychecks are recycled to make toilet rolls.
- The most impossible item to flush is a ping-pong ball.
- The movie Psycho was the first Hollywood film that showed a toilet flushing – thereby generating many complaints.
- Julia Roberts was once asked for an autograph while she was on the john. She said, ” I’m the tiniest bit busy.”
- Actor Jack Nicholson has a dead rattlesnake embedded in the clear plastic seat of his toilet.
And one last quote from a member of British royalty. “The biggest waste of water in the country by far. You spend half a pint and flush 2 gallons.”(Prince Philip in a 1965 speech)
NEVER FORGET THE COURTESY FLUSH
I’m not much of a follower of all things Hollywood but like it or not some information makes its way to me regardless. Only a few days ago I made the mistake of roaming around on Facebook. To my surprise there was a lengthy posting about female celebrities without makeup. If you think horror flicks are the scariest thing ever, you’d be wrong. There were more than a few rather famous female stars that I’ve lusted over in the past, but Facebook has ruined that forever. It still gives me cold chills if I think about it for too long. I’m not an innocent and naive blushing bride by any means. I realize that Hollywood takes its job seriously when recreating a regular human being into a “STAR”. That process requires many stars to change their names. Here are a few interesting samples which are self-explanatory.
Elton John -Reginald Dwight
Joan Rivers – Joan Molinsky
James Garner – James Baumgarner
Barry Manilow – Barry Pincus
Spike Lee – Shelton Lee
Snoop Dogg – Cordozar Broadus
Tina Turner -Annie Mae Bullock
Winona Ryder – Winona Horowitz
Sting – Gordon Summer
Stevie Wonder – Steveland Judkins
I’m now seriously thinking about changing my name. I’ve always felt that my name was as boring as it gets but picking a new one is really difficult. If I were to be a porn-star I’d probably go for I.M Lancelot, but since I’m just a normal boring person I would need something spectacular to catch everyone’s attention.
I’M CONSIDERING “ELVIS MONROE”
With September already over and cold temperatures beginning, it’s time to have some fun before the snow starts flying. With the holidays approaching I thought I’d publish a revised version of the Worker’s Prayer. This is posted for all of those people (my better-half included) that are stuck in thankless retail jobs across the country.
The Worker’s Prayer
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off, and also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.”
And just for the hell of it I decided to author a haiku as requested by a friend. Here it is.
❤️
The sky is so blue
A dot of sunshine yellow.
Forget me never.
T.G.I.F.
Once again, it’s time for a few lighthearted limericks rather than the bawdier ones we’re used to. I’ll reference the author when possible.
By Frank Jacobs
A lion whose manners weren’t nice
Played Monopoly with two white mice.
After losing, he roared,
Then devoured the board,
Marvin Gardens, both mice and the dice.
😋😋😋
By Oliver Herford
Once a grasshopper (food being scant)
Begged an ant some assistance to grant.
But the ant shook his head
“I can’t help you,” he said,
“It’s an uncle you need, not an ant.
😎😎😎
By Anon
A barber who lived in Batavia
Was known for his fearless behavia.
When a giant brown bear
Took a seat in his chair,
Said the barber, “No way will I shavia.”
😏😏😏
By Gelett Burgess
I’d rather have fingers than toes.
I’d rather have ears than a nose.
And as for my hair,
I’m glad it’s still there,
I’ll be awfully sad when it goes.
🍩🍩🍩
HAPPY MONDAY
The truth is sometimes strange and at other times ridiculous. These factoids are a little of both. They’re good for making a few bucks at bar bets on trivia night.
- The term ” soap opera” comes from the fact that shows used to work advertisements for soap powder into the plot lines.
- A champagne cork flying out of a bottle can travel as fast as 100 miles per hour.
- People who fear the number 666 suffer from hexakaosioihexekontahexaphobia.
- On November 21, 1980, 83 million Americans tuned in to watch the finale of the Dallas cliffhanger “Who Shot J.R.?” A few weeks earlier, 85.1 million Americans voted in the Reagan-Carter presidential election.
- During a 60-year life span, an average tree will produce nearly 2 tons of leaves to be raked.
- Dancing the tango was considered a sin in Paris during the early 1900s.
- Those roped off areas where boxing matches take place actually used to be round, hence the term “boxing ring”.
- Pope John XXI (1276-01277) had been in office less than a year before the ceiling on a new wing of his palace collapsed on him while he slept. He died six days later.
- Nearly 4% of American women claim that they never wear underwear.
- The Pentagon goes through more than 600 rolls of toilet paper every day.
TOO WEIRD TO BELIEVE? . . . WELL, BELIVE IT ANYWAY
Quote of the Day
“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just
don’t have as many people who believe it.”
George Carlin
Over the years and after many mergers the Mainstream Media has become an arm of the corporations that seem to have their fingers into everything. It’s become painfully clear that many media types have become TV stars in their own right. You would think that those under public scrutiny would be more careful than most about the articles and headlines they post or print. I guess that folks who control what we see and read could at times be less than careful. To prove my point read these wonderfully lame and stupid headlines that made their way through writers and editors to amuse and annoy the rest of us.
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us
Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty
This kind of carelessness is unbelievable. Lots of people are being paid lots of money to create these ridiculous headlines. Hopefully going forward the newspapers and websites will at least make some effort to stop the madness.
DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH
Today is my favorite kind of day. I spent yesterday shopping for ingredients and today making thirteen quarts of super-hot chunky black bean and roasted corn salsa. It’s a lot of work but worth every minute of labor. My better-half was born and raised in south Texas and insists salsa should be nice and smooth and hot. I prefer my salsa to be chunky and OMG hot so I jacked up the heat a little because good salsa should always make your head sweat. Enough about my salsa. Let’s talk about some scary food facts since I’m in the mood.
- While the results of water contamination tests are made public, manufacturers of bottled water do not divulge their test results.
- Almost 99% of imported food is never inspected by the FDA or the USDA, the two agencies responsible for protecting Americans from tainted products.
- One in five office coffee mugs contains fecal bacteria and E. coli, which can cause diarrhea, food poisoning, and infections.
- Vegetarians beware: many low-fat and nonfat yogurts and sweets contain gelatin, which is made from animal tendons, ligaments, and bones.
- Even when grapes are harvested by hand, some insects wind up in the picker’s baskets. Workers simply don’t have time to inspect every grape individually as they work.
- Long a staple of the American diet and US economy, corn is a high-carbohydrate, high-glycemic food that fattens up cattle and does the same to humans who consume it in excess.
- Beef cattle evolved to survive on grass but are regularly fed corn, which has disastrous effects on their digestive systems, requiring a constant regimen of antibiotics to keep them healthy.
- Peanut allergies afflict an estimated 4 million Americans and can be life-threatening. Almost half of annual emergency room visits and two thirds of deaths due to anaphylaxis are the result of peanut allergies.
- Independent studies show that bell peppers, celery, kale, carrots, lettuce, and potatoes are the vegetables most likely to expose consumers to pesticides, despite being rinsed and peeled.
- A diet high in processed meats like sausage, hot dogs, and luncheon meats increase the risk of pancreatic cancer. Chemical reactions that occur during the preparation of these meets yields carcinogens.
ENJOY YOUR LUNCH
I think many people have at least one phobia they must deal with. I’m claustrophobic and have been my entire life. Crowded stores and closed in spaces will make me more than a little crazy. That includes flying around the country in an enclosed metal tube on any airline. One of the more common phobias is coulrophobia which is a fear of clowns. I don’t fear them, but they sure make me a little uncomfortable. Today’s post includes many facts about that phobia and clowns in general. Read on all you clown haters.
- In a British survey of phobias, coulrophobia placed third, outranking common fears such as flying and heights.
- Experts attribute coulrophobia to the heavy makeup and exaggerated features of clowns, which can frighten young children.
- Others attribute coulrophobia to the prevalence of evil clowns in popular media, such as the child murdering Pennywise in Stephen King’s “It” and a clown doll that attacks a boy in Poltergeist.
- One of the worst serial killers in US history, John Wayne Gacy, entertained kids dressed as a clown.
- At one point some health activists wanted McDonald’s to drop Ronald McDonald as a mascot because he markets unhealthy food to children.
- Paul Kelly, son of famous clown Emmett Kelly Junior, was arrested in 1978 for the murders of two of his homosexual lovers. Kelly admitted to the slayings but listed his clown alter ego Willy as an accomplice.
- Famous celebrities who are known to fear clowns include Johnny Depp, Daniel Radcliffe, Billy Bob Thornton, and Sean Combs.
- Many experts point to obscure facial features as the most frightening aspect of clowns and relate this to masked or disfigured movie killers like Michael Myers in Halloween, Jason in the Friday the 13th movies and Freddy Krueger in the Nightmare on Elm Street.
- Coulrophobic Sean Combs has been known to include a “no clowns” clause in contracts even at the risk of being banned from his own shows.
- Coulrophobia can be treated with exposure therapy, which presents patients with photos and dolls of clowns to help them slowly work through their fears.
There you have it folks. Fear of clowns is more common than you thought. My biggest fear is that I walk into a small and confining space and then find a clown in there . . . run for your effing life.
WEAR A BIG RED NOSE TO WORK, I DARE YOU
I’m a huge fan of baseball primarily because I played it for so many years. It’s the best! However, I will continue to poke the baseball bear in the eye whenever possible. The game is sacred to me, but the individual players are not. So, let’s have a little fun today.
“Any pitcher who throws at a batter and deliberately tries to hit him is a Communist.” Alvin Dark, New York Giants Infielder
“Even Napoleon had his Watergate.” Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager
“Folks, this is perfect weather for today’s game. Not a breath of air.” Curt Gowdy, sports commentator
“All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they took that and blew it all out of proportion.” Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher
“I am throwing twice as hard as I ever did. It’s just not getting there as fast.” Lefty Gomez, New York Yankee pitcher
“I prefer fast foods.” Infielder Rocky Bridges, when asked why he wouldn’t eat snails
“I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.” Tug McGraw, National League pitcher, when asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
“Raise the urinals.” Darrel Chaney, Atlanta Braves infielder, on how to keep the Braves on their toes
“Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.” Pedro Guerrero, National League player
“I lost it in the sun.” Billy Loes, Brooklyn Dodger pitcher after fumbling a grounder
PLAY BALL!
I’ve been trying desperately not to bring politics onto this blog. Years ago, I created a political blog and after months and months of writing discovered that the American public isn’t interested in truth but only in perception. After the fiasco of Bill Clinton and his minions including the lovely but deadly Hillary Clinton, I didn’t think it could get any worse. I was wrong, really wrong. Hence the election twice of Barack Obama who was a phony if there ever was one, and his wife who remains to this day a borderline communist. Don’t get me wrong, George Bush was no prize either.
I was a supporter of Donald Trump only because he was the only candidate that had a chance of keeping Hillary out of the presidency. I celebrated a little when he won the election, but I did so with many reservations. I have to admit that he did a great number of really good things, but they were all overshadowed by his persistent need to have his ego stroked. If nobody else would stroke it, he did it himself, hence the hundreds of texts on the internet.
The hatred for the man appears to have no bounds both from the Left and the Right. Politics in this country is difficult on a good day and he’s making it impossible to have even one good day. There are more important things to be addressing than his continual whining and idiotic lawsuits. Give us all a break.
This comes from a somewhat conservative person who wished you well when you ran and regretted it ever since. It is my solemn wish that you would stop talking to media, stay off the internet, fire your attorneys, and go back to building golf courses, casinos and whatever else you need to make more and more money. You say you love this country so do the right thing. Support the next Republican candidate of your choice and fade away like Douglas McArthur. You’ve praised him in the past, follow his lead.
“I now close my military career and just fade away, an old soldier who tried to do his duty as God gave him the light to see that duty. Goodbye.”
ENOUGH SAID
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