Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
It’s another day in paradise here in Maine as I drag my butt out of bed this morning. Time to leap to my feet, put on my shorts, and go jogging for a few miles. If you believe that then there’s something really wrong. The only jogging I’ll do is with my car. I’ll be spending my time today sitting in front of this computer and working on my series of designs that have consumed me for a month.
Yes, I consider myself an artist even though a few others might dispute that. What others think has never really been something I concern myself with and I doubt I ever will. If you’re around long enough you learn early on that everyone is an effing critic. I love critics and on occasion I’m one myself. It’s the anonymous and cowardly ones that irritate me.
I’ve been reading a strange book of “Poisonous Quotations” and that anonymous guy sure has a lot to say in that tome. Here are a few samples of his anonymous work.
“Modern art is like trying to follow the plot in alphabet soup.”
“Modern art is when you buy a picture to cover a hole in the wall and then decide the hole looks better.”
“A modern artist is one who throws paint on a canvas, wipes it off with a cloth, and sells the cloth.”
“One reassuring thing about modern art is that things can’t possibly be as bad as they are painted.”
Those four quotation are cowardly since the authors were afraid to identify themselves. I don’t mind criticism if the individual will stand up in front of the artist and offer his opinions directly. Here are a few well known people who also have an apparent distaste for art but aren’t afraid to say so publicly.
“Abstract art is the product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.” Al Capp
‘One sees a square lady with three breasts and a guitar up her crotch.” Noel Coward
“Art is a jealous mistress.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Art is either plagiarism or revolution.” Paul Gauguin
“Art for art’s sake makes no more sense than gin for gin’s sake.” W. Somerset Maugham
“I’m glad the old masters are all dead, and I only wish they had died sooner.” Mark Twain
Lets hear from someone once very well known in the political world. Like any politician he takes forth-three words to say two . . . “It stinks.”
“I can truthfully say that the painter has observed the Ten Commandments. Because he hath not made to himself the likeness of anything in heaven above, or that which is on earth beneath, or that which is in the water under the earth.” Abraham Lincoln
And last but not least here is someone who answered his critics directly and clearly. My second favorite favorite artist of all time right behind Salvador Dali as seen above.
“Everyone wants to understand painting. Why don’t they try to understand the singing of the birds? People love the night, a flower, everything which surrounds them without trying to understand them. But painting – that they must understand.” Pablo Picasso
WELL STATED PABLO
It’s been a hectic week for me. I’ve been working steadily for almost two months on sketches that have made me a little crazy. I’ve finished twelve so far with more coming. These are black & white lined sketches that are digitized as I complete them. I then use my computer software to add the colors of my choice. Here is a 2X2 inch section of the first one I completed. I’m posting it for my sister so can see and understand just what the hell I’m doing. Here it is Deb.
It’s not much of an explanation but it’s the best I can do for now. I’ve titled this one “Confusion” and rightly so.
Now on to other things. I had a really close call yesterday and I’m not sure why I’m not in a hospital today. My guardian angel must have been working overtime. I was cutting my grass on a fairly new Toro riding mower. Our property is somewhat hilly in spots and I always take a great deal of care when cutting there. I guess no matter how careful you are accidents can still occur.
I was listening to my Ipod as I cut the grass and possibly was a little distracted by the music. I somehow missed seeing a large rock partially buried in the ground and hidden by high grass. I struck that boulder with the blade going at it highest speed. The blade hit the rock, bent itself into a question mark shape, dug into the ground, and flipped the mower completely over. I was airborne for ten feet and thankfully landed on my fat ass and not on my thick skull.
I was dazed and confused to say the least. Minor damages to the mower and to me but some serious damage to the yard. If I hadn’t been thrown off it could easily have landed on me and broken ever bone in my body.
As I rolled out of bed this morning I was bruised and sore in many places but nothing serious. Thanks to Toro for building a machine whose safeguards kicked in and shut down the engine as it tipped over. Needless to say I’m glad to in one piece today.
WHO SAID GARDENING AND YARD WORK ISN’T DANGEROUS
NOT ME THAT’S FOR SURE!!
‘Honey, I think we missed the turn to Home Goods.’
Well, it’s the first of June and I suppose this could be considered my first real Summer day. Unfortunately for me it’s not starting very well. Last night I was advised by my better-half that we’d be spending her day-off on another of her infamous shopping safaris. Those shopping trips are bearable in the winter when you just want to get out of the house but not so much in Summer when it’s sunny and warm and you can hear the beach calling your name.
I can’t believe in all honesty that I’ll enjoy a day of driving from store to store and waiting in the car. Most of the stores she visits hold no interest for me and I’m truly honored to be permitted to sit in her car and wait for her. I feel a lot like the natives on many of the early Tarzan movies. The great white hunter is strolling along carrying his rifle and a flask of brandy. I’m the last guy in line carrying the 300 pound backpack and silently cursing under my breath.
She packs a purse and a credit card while I usually bring my favorite safari equipment. It consists of my cell phone so I can call for help if necessary, my Kindle to keep me from screaming out of boredom, and this IPad so I can write my posts for the blog about how used and abused I feel.
This is is some sort of weird ass-backward payback for my taking her out to dinner last night. We visited a restaurant called Running of the Mill. It’s a nineteenth century textile mill that has been slowly converted into hundreds of condos, a restaurant, business offices, and an interior mall which is still in the planning stages. It’s directly adjacent to the Saco River and the nearby harbor. It’s very nice.
We had our meal on the terrace and enjoyed the sunshine and the warm breeze. The better-half ordered a slab of haddock as long as her arm and I enjoyed a huge club sandwich and fries.
It was a really relaxing evening and we thoroughly enjoyed the food and the atmosphere. Why she’s paying me back with this shopping foray today is beyond me. She probably thinks she’s doing a favor.
Right now I’m sitting in a Lowe’s parking lot while she spends an hour doing work schedules for her employees. Little does she know that in mere moments I’ll be reclining this seat back and catching a well deserved nap.
AT LEAST SHE LEFT THE WINDOW CRACKED
I’ve been writing so much lately about gardening and gardens, today it’s all about something else entirely. There aren’t many things in life that I truly detest but dentistry and visits to the dentist lead the list.
Since the age of 13 I’ve spent a large portion of my life in dentists offices thanks to my late, great BFF who knocked most of my front teeth out during a sandlot football game. That was back in the day when no one had mouthpieces and if you took a shot to the chops there were serious consequences. Ever since then it’s been one thing after another with my teeth. For more than 50 years I’ve had a series of plastic and metal bridges of one sort or another thanks to an one carelessly thrown elbow.
Just recently my dentist of 14 years decided to divorce his wife, leave town, get remarried, and retire. He was courteous enough to send out forms to all of his patients which released our records to the new dentist we’d be using. Being a good little boy that I am I filled out all the release forms as directed and sent them back, waiting patiently for them to arrive at the new dentist’s office. They never arrived. I attempted to make telephone contact but his former telephone number was no longer working, the office was no longer open, and that SOB had moved away and left no forwarding address. Thanks a lot doc.
So today I’m making my second visit to my new dentist and I have to start all over again because my records are no longer available. Lucky me. A week or so ago I went in for my initial consultation with my new dentist and had to fill out more paperwork than I care to tell you about along with some teeth cleaning, teeth scanning, and x-raying. A second visit was scheduled where I would get up close and personnel with the new dentist where he could explain to me all of my future options to regain my pearly smile. That visit is today.
I’m really not looking forward to being filled with Novocain and to have three teeth rebuilt and then to pay my portion of the reconstruction of $250 out-of-pocket. Then I’ll have to sit through a 45 minute consultation where my new dentist will explain to me just how screwed up my mouth and teeth are and how much it’s going to cost for new bridgework and additional repairs. I can already feel his hand reaching into my back pocket in an attempt to remove all the money from my wallet.
So I’m just walking out the door now to begin my day of fun. If I had all of the money I’ve spent on dentistry over my lifetime I could probably buy the state of Maine and put a fence around it. I’m stopping for now but I’ll return in a few hours to complete this post.
Time passes . . . . .
It’s now three hours later and I’ve returned home. The left side of my face remain somewhat numb while allows to to droll at any given moment. I’ve been drilled and poked and then drilled some more. As I was escorted to the door I was permitted to pay a couple of hundred dollars out-of-pocket and then given more options for my next visit. Option #1 will cost over-and-above the insurance coverage . . $600.00. Option #2 cha-chings up to $1500.00.
I JUST CAN’T WAIT !!!
Before I get started today I need to make a declaration. I LOVE HOT PEPPERS! It’s my opinion that almost everything is improved if you can make it hotter. I make a lot of salsa’s and chili’s and have upwards of six really excellent recipes using an assortment of hot peppers. I grow some of my own when possible and I’ll buy from almost any source when certain peppers aren’t available locally.
I received some bad news a few days ago concerning an ex-loved one who passed away. I was feeling a little blue after receiving the news. My better-half suggested we go out for dinner and where better than a Mexican restaurant to look for therapy. We’ve been visiting this restaurant for years and we knew the food would be excellent. Not only could I people watch for a while but I could also eat all of the smoking hot food I could handle. A proper atmosphere to rid myself of the blues.
I’ve told you all of these boring facts about myself so you’ll understand the rest of this story. As we waited for our food to arrive a new bartender appeared and began chatting with everyone. He and I got into a friendly discussion about our love of hot food when he surprised me. He pulled a large jar from under the bar that was filled with tequila. Floating in the the tequila was an assortment of hot peppers, habanero’s, Serrano’s, and jalapeño’s. The tequila had been soaking up all of that lovely flavor and hotness for a week. He dared me to try his latest creation, the “Hot Pepper Margarita”. I couldn’t refuse and look like a coward so I took a long pull on the straw after salting my tongue and lips.
I’m sure you’ve heard the term “taking ones breath away”. That’s exactly what that margarita did. It was a little sweet and hot enough to make me gasp. It was freaking delicious. Little did I know that I was first customer dumb enough to try it. I was so dumb in fact I tried it again and again. My head was sweating, my mouth was burning, and I was in heaven.
Now you know why I have this mother-of-all hangovers this morning. I stumbled into the kitchen last night around 3:00am badly in need of a glass or two of cold water. The water was so cooling and delicious but tasted strangely familiar . . . just like jalapeños. I’m now on my third cup of coffee as I sit here writing this and it too tastes just like jalapeños.
Don’t get me wrong . . . I’m not complaining in the least. I can’t wait to get back on my feet and do it all over again . . . in a week or two.
I’m going out later today to make a few purchases of my own. Two bottles of tequila, habanero peppers, Serrano peppers, and a few jalapeño peppers. I’ll be making my own hot pepper infusion to serve a perfect Hot Pepper Margarita to any of our summer visitors.
PASS THE ADVIL PLEASE.
I awoke this morning and once again my body is achy and sore. We had such a beautiful day yesterday that I once again over-did the yard work and totally exhausted myself. I should know better by now but the warm weather and sunshine just kind of sweep me away and make me stupid.
Today will be one of my favorite kind of days which means I probably won’t do much of anything. I may run a few errands and work on some design sketches but nothing too serious. It’s going to be warm again which translates to some quality time for me and the cat to lounge around on the deck and listen to music or to just to read a good book (and yes, my cat can read).
I spent some time this morning on the Net trying to keep up with the political situation as it develops but it took no more than just a few minutes for that the bore me to death. I haven’t decided on any specific candidate but I have eliminated a few. I’ve had my fill of the collection of political families who’ve been dominating the scene for far too long. I think the country and the people deserve some fresh faces in the political arena which means no more Bushes and no more Clintons. Let’s just let them fade into history like the Kennedys. Enough is enough.
I’m still on the fence about Trump but I’m leaning his way for a number of reasons. His fresh and sometimes outrageous outlook on the country’s situation agrees with my own on a lot of points. If you read this blog you already know how much I hate political correctness and what it’s done to this nation. We need to break away in a new direction and I think Trump can supply that. Will he be perfect? I seriously doubt it. Will you be better off with Bernie, I think not . . . he an effing socialist. He’s willing to turn this country into a sad imitation of what Europe has become. That would be a very dangerous direction for the country to take . . . even more worrisome than Trump to be sure.
I’ll be catching up later on the news of the day from the Net because listening to the television and radio media is not worth my time. They’re more interested in forwarding their political agendas rather than reporting the truth factually. The way in which they’ve been manipulated by the Obama administration is shameful and harmful to the nation. It’s the job of the press to point out inconsistencies in how an administration governs and to investigate illegalities as they occur. In my opinion one of the worst things that ever happened in this country in recent decades was the purchase of the media by large business corporations. That was the beginning of the end for truth in media and the beginning of using the media by those corporations to forward their political agendas.
This country was established with the media as a watchdog for the citizenry to monitor and report on the politicians both good and bad. That has long since disappeared. When one part of our well oiled democratic machine ceases to work properly the entire machine suffers and eventually ceases to work at all. Welcome to the 21st-century here in America.
Well, I’m off to the deck with the cat and my Kindle for an hour of relaxation before I begin running my errands. That should be just enough time to get this short discussion about politics out of my head completely and to rebury my head in the proverbial sand. I can’t continuously think about politics or I would go insane. A good suspicion of politicians, politics, and government is what is badly needed to keep this country running properly.
I’M DOING MY PART – ARE YOU?
Politics! I’m already sick of the so called media experts and their effed up opinions on everything. I swore I’d try to stay out it but if I see a big enough A-hole I just have to say something. This comment is meant for two of the biggest ones I’ve seen in recent months, Ted Cruz and Glenn Beck. Mr. Beck . . . It’s time for you to get up off your knees and take a rest from kissing Ted Cruz’s ass. Mr. Cruz . . . You should get up off your knees and tell Mr. Beck to "Zip Up" cause the parties over for you. Two idiots who deserve each other’s attention and unfortunately we’ve been forced to watch.
‘Bye Bye Teddy’
I feel a little better after getting that off my chest but I know those two morons will continue irritating me while they use up their last fifteen minutes of fame. All of the other surviving candidates seem to be much like the band members who continued to play while the Titanic was sinking. The music wasn’t all that great and no one wanted to hear it anyway. Run for the lifeboats you idiots. Enough already.
‘Glenn Beck – Religious Fanatic & Dumb Ass’
Spring is still refusing to arrive and I’m starting to get a bit cranky. I want to take this damn electric blanket and pack it away once and for all. I also want to get back to bitching about the heat that won’t let me sleep at night. The same heat that burns my feet as I walk down the beach watching all the little hotties in their bikinis. Man . . . I think I’m losing it.
I actually was forced to cut my grass for the first time this week. I was bundled up in my parka and hat because the wind was a bit nippy. I wasn’t cutting much grass but I picked up enough leaves, acorns, pine cones, and branches to fill a pickup truck. Living near one of Mother Nature’s forests is a dirty business on the good days. I guess I can now rest for a couple of weeks until the temperatures rise enough to permit planting the garden. I can begin shopping around for plants in a week and begin filling up my cold frames.
I have a few things to do today before heading out to run errands. I’m going to try for the third time to plant rhubarb seeds. I haven’t had any success with them in the past but I won’t stop trying. I really want to make my first batch of rhubarb wine this summer and I need the additional plants for future uses.
C’MON SPRING
Now that I have grandchildren running through the house occasionally I’ve been forced to curb my use of all cusswords. I’ve always loved cursing and swearing but stopping cold-turkey has been tough. I have no doubt they’ll be picking up a few dozen new cuss words at home and especially at daycare. We can only hope they don’t pick up too many of the really good ones for a while yet.
I decided to do a little research into cussing as it applies to what will be their daily lives soon enough. Before I do that I thought I’d give you a short history lesson too. Here’s a few retro cusswords from back in the good old days.
Old School Cussing
Heavens to Betsy
Jumpin’ Jahosafat
Yikes
Gadzooks
Holy cow
Sugar
Dagnabit
flippin’
Geez Louise
Jeez oh man,
Fudge
Eat it … RAW
Hell’s bells
Oh Shoot
Great Caesar’s Ghost
Jiminy Cricket
Holy Mary-Mother of God
They sound so lame to us now but back in the day they got the job done with us kids. My Mom knew all of these and a few more modern words as well. Now lets take a look at cusswords in use in the USA today. Some fool took the time to do a study to determine what states used certain cusswords the most. Here are the results.
Asshole – New England, Nevada, Oregon, Utah, Arizona
Bitch – Texas through the Carolinas – Along the coast.
Darn – Most of the Great Plains states.
Shit – Texas to Delaware along the coast.
Fuck – All coastal states, East, West, and South.
Motherfucker – Southwestern states and Maine’s
Before too long our grandchildren will on the Web and getting introduced to Facebook and Twitter and all of the associated idiots who roam there. Here is some information and usage on both of those sites.
Twitter
Detailed work by researchers at Wright State University in Ohio has found that 34.7% of all the swearwords in their sample of 51m tweets were "fuck" or one of its long list of cognates.
In comparison, the second and third most popular swearwords – "shit" and "ass" – accounted for 15.0% and 14.5% respectively, while other highlights included "bitch" (10.3%), "hell" (4.5%), "whore" (1.8%), "dick" (1.7%), "piss" (1.5%) and "pussy" (1.2%). Between them, the top seven make up 90.6% of all the swearing on Twitter.
Facebook
Someday, when aliens are sifting through Facebook data to find out what 21st-century humans thought and cared about, they’re going to see a lot of shit. That’s the most popular swear word on Facebook, according to an analysis by Slate. In the three-day period queried, shit appeared in 10.5 million U.S. Facebook interactions, fuck in 9.5 million, damn in 6.3 million, bitch in 4.5 million, and crap in 2 million.
This next section applies directly to Rap Music. It’s always been known for bad language and we find out now that criticism was totally justified. I feel bad for the fool that had to sit through this terrible music to complete this study. It must have been brutal.
Rap Music
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217.7 cuss words-per-album average.
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One song from the study had, on average, 13.76 instances of profanity.
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Too $hort’s 1985 album Raw, Uncut & X-Rated was the most profane album, clocking 49.8 curse words per song.
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The most profane artists per song were The Geto Boys, as they uttered cuss words on average 46.4 times per song. The second-most vulgar artist? Geto Boys’ Scarface, with 33.3 cuss words per song.
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Bun B’s song “Some Hoes” had the most instances of profanity in its lyrics with over 113 cuss words. The words “nigga” (51 times) and “ho” (46) make up the majority. However, the study qualifies that Lil Jon’s “Roll Call” is perhaps the most vulgar with 329 cuss words but it was not used in the study.
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The most profane year in Hip-Hop from the study was 2001 with 22.66 cuss words per song.
If both grandson’s can last more than fifteen minutes in this cuss filled society without becoming cussing experts it will be nothing short of a miracle. Since I believe that “turn-about is fair play” I’ll just wait until they start cussing on their own then I’ll step in and add a few of mine.
SHIT ! ! !
IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR FACEBOOK, IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
It’s April 28th and two days ago we had two inches of snow here in Maine. The temperatures remain in the twenties at night and I’m sick and tired of sleeping with an electric blanket. I actually think that April has been colder than March which is bizarre and sucky at the same time. Also that sunburn I had from a week on the deck in March has slowly faded away. I’m back to being my old self . . . pasty white . . . and that’s just sad. Enough of my weather rant, I’m boring myself.
Now for my rant of the day.
I haven’t been looking forward to today because I’m getting dragged back into civilization kicking and screaming all the way. I’m required to run errands for some dentist I’ve never visited, for an effing insurance company that I don’t like. For five years I’ve had this dental insurance but all of a sudden they’re requiring me to prove I’m in a relationship with a women that I’ve been living with for seven years. All of a sudden the "politically correct" police have found me and are making demands on me once again.
I’ve been forced recently into opening a joint savings account at my bank with my better-half, then transferring money into that account, just to prove to any concerned insurance idiots that I’m still eligible for their dental insurance. This is the same damn insurance carrier I’ve been with for five years. Nothing has changed but they still have that urge to cause me to jump through a few hoops. I’m not a happy camper right now and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. It just goes to show that getting off the grid in any fashion whatsoever is a gigantic effing NO-NO! If they can’t control you in some fashion they think they’re not doing their job.
So I’m off to my appointment with a bank finance officer who can finally convince these morons that I actually exist. Once that paperwork is forwarded to the insurance carrier and they are happy . . . TA DA . . . I’ll return to the bank immediately and close the damn account, thumb my nose to all of them, and go about what’s left of my life or until someone else gets in line to screw with me.
Just so you know, this crap will never end until you’re dead and buried. But God forbid you don’t die properly or THEY may require your family to dig you up to prove your still in the casket. Make sure your family knows to fill out the required exhumation forms in triplicate or THEY might raise their insurance rates or cancel them altogether.
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE (Politically Correct) SLAVES.
I’m being as lazy as I possibly can this morning and looking ahead to the beginning of a labor intensive Spring which is scheduled to begin on Thursday. Regardless of the cooler temperatures and crappy weather Lowe’s will be making a delivery which means much more work and a few aching muscles for me. It’s confusing for me to be so eager to get started with a project that will hurt so much but I’m forced to deal with the realities of the situation.
The garden is only moments away from becoming my main focus for at least the next three months. During that time I’ll be adding additional loam to all of the frames, fertilizing, and rototilling everything in sight to help loosen the soil. Then it’s just a matter of setting the fabric in place in all of the large frames to eliminate the need to weed this summer. Completing a general cleanup will then allow me to sit back and relaxing until the warmer temperatures decide to arrive.
Then comes the numerous trips to a selection of nurseries to purchase plants, plants, and more plants. Building and installing a few new trellises for the beans and snap peas as well as a box of .22 caliber ammunition for the assassination of the damn skunk. There are indications he’s already been visiting the property this year and I really have to get serious about ridding myself of him. With my luck he’ll have three or four relatives who’ll show up after his demise to make me even more crazy. It’s a wait and see situation for me, for him, and for them.
Welcoming the end of a rather lackluster winter season is something I’ve been looking forward to for months. In another month or two I’m sure to be complaining about the garden, the heat, the humidity, and wishing for Fall to arrive as soon on as possible. It’s a vicious cycle that we all seem to get caught up in every year.
Here’s my all time favorite garden quote. If it isn’t a little off-color then how can it be one of my favorites?
"A dirty hoe is a happy hoe."
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