Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
Before I get started today I need to make a declaration. I LOVE HOT PEPPERS! It’s my opinion that almost everything is improved if you can make it hotter. I make a lot of salsa’s and chili’s and have upwards of six really excellent recipes using an assortment of hot peppers. I grow some of my own when possible and I’ll buy from almost any source when certain peppers aren’t available locally.
I received some bad news a few days ago concerning an ex-loved one who passed away. I was feeling a little blue after receiving the news. My better-half suggested we go out for dinner and where better than a Mexican restaurant to look for therapy. We’ve been visiting this restaurant for years and we knew the food would be excellent. Not only could I people watch for a while but I could also eat all of the smoking hot food I could handle. A proper atmosphere to rid myself of the blues.
I’ve told you all of these boring facts about myself so you’ll understand the rest of this story. As we waited for our food to arrive a new bartender appeared and began chatting with everyone. He and I got into a friendly discussion about our love of hot food when he surprised me. He pulled a large jar from under the bar that was filled with tequila. Floating in the the tequila was an assortment of hot peppers, habanero’s, Serrano’s, and jalapeño’s. The tequila had been soaking up all of that lovely flavor and hotness for a week. He dared me to try his latest creation, the “Hot Pepper Margarita”. I couldn’t refuse and look like a coward so I took a long pull on the straw after salting my tongue and lips.
I’m sure you’ve heard the term “taking ones breath away”. That’s exactly what that margarita did. It was a little sweet and hot enough to make me gasp. It was freaking delicious. Little did I know that I was first customer dumb enough to try it. I was so dumb in fact I tried it again and again. My head was sweating, my mouth was burning, and I was in heaven.
Now you know why I have this mother-of-all hangovers this morning. I stumbled into the kitchen last night around 3:00am badly in need of a glass or two of cold water. The water was so cooling and delicious but tasted strangely familiar . . . just like jalapeños. I’m now on my third cup of coffee as I sit here writing this and it too tastes just like jalapeños.
Don’t get me wrong . . . I’m not complaining in the least. I can’t wait to get back on my feet and do it all over again . . . in a week or two.
I’m going out later today to make a few purchases of my own. Two bottles of tequila, habanero peppers, Serrano peppers, and a few jalapeño peppers. I’ll be making my own hot pepper infusion to serve a perfect Hot Pepper Margarita to any of our summer visitors.
PASS THE ADVIL PLEASE.
I awoke this morning and once again my body is achy and sore. We had such a beautiful day yesterday that I once again over-did the yard work and totally exhausted myself. I should know better by now but the warm weather and sunshine just kind of sweep me away and make me stupid.
Today will be one of my favorite kind of days which means I probably won’t do much of anything. I may run a few errands and work on some design sketches but nothing too serious. It’s going to be warm again which translates to some quality time for me and the cat to lounge around on the deck and listen to music or to just to read a good book (and yes, my cat can read).
I spent some time this morning on the Net trying to keep up with the political situation as it develops but it took no more than just a few minutes for that the bore me to death. I haven’t decided on any specific candidate but I have eliminated a few. I’ve had my fill of the collection of political families who’ve been dominating the scene for far too long. I think the country and the people deserve some fresh faces in the political arena which means no more Bushes and no more Clintons. Let’s just let them fade into history like the Kennedys. Enough is enough.
I’m still on the fence about Trump but I’m leaning his way for a number of reasons. His fresh and sometimes outrageous outlook on the country’s situation agrees with my own on a lot of points. If you read this blog you already know how much I hate political correctness and what it’s done to this nation. We need to break away in a new direction and I think Trump can supply that. Will he be perfect? I seriously doubt it. Will you be better off with Bernie, I think not . . . he an effing socialist. He’s willing to turn this country into a sad imitation of what Europe has become. That would be a very dangerous direction for the country to take . . . even more worrisome than Trump to be sure.
I’ll be catching up later on the news of the day from the Net because listening to the television and radio media is not worth my time. They’re more interested in forwarding their political agendas rather than reporting the truth factually. The way in which they’ve been manipulated by the Obama administration is shameful and harmful to the nation. It’s the job of the press to point out inconsistencies in how an administration governs and to investigate illegalities as they occur. In my opinion one of the worst things that ever happened in this country in recent decades was the purchase of the media by large business corporations. That was the beginning of the end for truth in media and the beginning of using the media by those corporations to forward their political agendas.
This country was established with the media as a watchdog for the citizenry to monitor and report on the politicians both good and bad. That has long since disappeared. When one part of our well oiled democratic machine ceases to work properly the entire machine suffers and eventually ceases to work at all. Welcome to the 21st-century here in America.
Well, I’m off to the deck with the cat and my Kindle for an hour of relaxation before I begin running my errands. That should be just enough time to get this short discussion about politics out of my head completely and to rebury my head in the proverbial sand. I can’t continuously think about politics or I would go insane. A good suspicion of politicians, politics, and government is what is badly needed to keep this country running properly.
I’M DOING MY PART – ARE YOU?
Politics! I’m already sick of the so called media experts and their effed up opinions on everything. I swore I’d try to stay out it but if I see a big enough A-hole I just have to say something. This comment is meant for two of the biggest ones I’ve seen in recent months, Ted Cruz and Glenn Beck. Mr. Beck . . . It’s time for you to get up off your knees and take a rest from kissing Ted Cruz’s ass. Mr. Cruz . . . You should get up off your knees and tell Mr. Beck to "Zip Up" cause the parties over for you. Two idiots who deserve each other’s attention and unfortunately we’ve been forced to watch.
‘Bye Bye Teddy’
I feel a little better after getting that off my chest but I know those two morons will continue irritating me while they use up their last fifteen minutes of fame. All of the other surviving candidates seem to be much like the band members who continued to play while the Titanic was sinking. The music wasn’t all that great and no one wanted to hear it anyway. Run for the lifeboats you idiots. Enough already.
‘Glenn Beck – Religious Fanatic & Dumb Ass’
Spring is still refusing to arrive and I’m starting to get a bit cranky. I want to take this damn electric blanket and pack it away once and for all. I also want to get back to bitching about the heat that won’t let me sleep at night. The same heat that burns my feet as I walk down the beach watching all the little hotties in their bikinis. Man . . . I think I’m losing it.
I actually was forced to cut my grass for the first time this week. I was bundled up in my parka and hat because the wind was a bit nippy. I wasn’t cutting much grass but I picked up enough leaves, acorns, pine cones, and branches to fill a pickup truck. Living near one of Mother Nature’s forests is a dirty business on the good days. I guess I can now rest for a couple of weeks until the temperatures rise enough to permit planting the garden. I can begin shopping around for plants in a week and begin filling up my cold frames.
I have a few things to do today before heading out to run errands. I’m going to try for the third time to plant rhubarb seeds. I haven’t had any success with them in the past but I won’t stop trying. I really want to make my first batch of rhubarb wine this summer and I need the additional plants for future uses.
C’MON SPRING
Now that I have grandchildren running through the house occasionally I’ve been forced to curb my use of all cusswords. I’ve always loved cursing and swearing but stopping cold-turkey has been tough. I have no doubt they’ll be picking up a few dozen new cuss words at home and especially at daycare. We can only hope they don’t pick up too many of the really good ones for a while yet.
I decided to do a little research into cussing as it applies to what will be their daily lives soon enough. Before I do that I thought I’d give you a short history lesson too. Here’s a few retro cusswords from back in the good old days.
Old School Cussing
Heavens to Betsy
Jumpin’ Jahosafat
Yikes
Gadzooks
Holy cow
Sugar
Dagnabit
flippin’
Geez Louise
Jeez oh man,
Fudge
Eat it … RAW
Hell’s bells
Oh Shoot
Great Caesar’s Ghost
Jiminy Cricket
Holy Mary-Mother of God
They sound so lame to us now but back in the day they got the job done with us kids. My Mom knew all of these and a few more modern words as well. Now lets take a look at cusswords in use in the USA today. Some fool took the time to do a study to determine what states used certain cusswords the most. Here are the results.
Asshole – New England, Nevada, Oregon, Utah, Arizona
Bitch – Texas through the Carolinas – Along the coast.
Darn – Most of the Great Plains states.
Shit – Texas to Delaware along the coast.
Fuck – All coastal states, East, West, and South.
Motherfucker – Southwestern states and Maine’s
Before too long our grandchildren will on the Web and getting introduced to Facebook and Twitter and all of the associated idiots who roam there. Here is some information and usage on both of those sites.
Twitter
Detailed work by researchers at Wright State University in Ohio has found that 34.7% of all the swearwords in their sample of 51m tweets were "fuck" or one of its long list of cognates.
In comparison, the second and third most popular swearwords – "shit" and "ass" – accounted for 15.0% and 14.5% respectively, while other highlights included "bitch" (10.3%), "hell" (4.5%), "whore" (1.8%), "dick" (1.7%), "piss" (1.5%) and "pussy" (1.2%). Between them, the top seven make up 90.6% of all the swearing on Twitter.
Facebook
Someday, when aliens are sifting through Facebook data to find out what 21st-century humans thought and cared about, they’re going to see a lot of shit. That’s the most popular swear word on Facebook, according to an analysis by Slate. In the three-day period queried, shit appeared in 10.5 million U.S. Facebook interactions, fuck in 9.5 million, damn in 6.3 million, bitch in 4.5 million, and crap in 2 million.
This next section applies directly to Rap Music. It’s always been known for bad language and we find out now that criticism was totally justified. I feel bad for the fool that had to sit through this terrible music to complete this study. It must have been brutal.
Rap Music
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217.7 cuss words-per-album average.
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One song from the study had, on average, 13.76 instances of profanity.
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Too $hort’s 1985 album Raw, Uncut & X-Rated was the most profane album, clocking 49.8 curse words per song.
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The most profane artists per song were The Geto Boys, as they uttered cuss words on average 46.4 times per song. The second-most vulgar artist? Geto Boys’ Scarface, with 33.3 cuss words per song.
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Bun B’s song “Some Hoes” had the most instances of profanity in its lyrics with over 113 cuss words. The words “nigga” (51 times) and “ho” (46) make up the majority. However, the study qualifies that Lil Jon’s “Roll Call” is perhaps the most vulgar with 329 cuss words but it was not used in the study.
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The most profane year in Hip-Hop from the study was 2001 with 22.66 cuss words per song.
If both grandson’s can last more than fifteen minutes in this cuss filled society without becoming cussing experts it will be nothing short of a miracle. Since I believe that “turn-about is fair play” I’ll just wait until they start cussing on their own then I’ll step in and add a few of mine.
SHIT ! ! !
IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR FACEBOOK, IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
It’s April 28th and two days ago we had two inches of snow here in Maine. The temperatures remain in the twenties at night and I’m sick and tired of sleeping with an electric blanket. I actually think that April has been colder than March which is bizarre and sucky at the same time. Also that sunburn I had from a week on the deck in March has slowly faded away. I’m back to being my old self . . . pasty white . . . and that’s just sad. Enough of my weather rant, I’m boring myself.
Now for my rant of the day.
I haven’t been looking forward to today because I’m getting dragged back into civilization kicking and screaming all the way. I’m required to run errands for some dentist I’ve never visited, for an effing insurance company that I don’t like. For five years I’ve had this dental insurance but all of a sudden they’re requiring me to prove I’m in a relationship with a women that I’ve been living with for seven years. All of a sudden the "politically correct" police have found me and are making demands on me once again.
I’ve been forced recently into opening a joint savings account at my bank with my better-half, then transferring money into that account, just to prove to any concerned insurance idiots that I’m still eligible for their dental insurance. This is the same damn insurance carrier I’ve been with for five years. Nothing has changed but they still have that urge to cause me to jump through a few hoops. I’m not a happy camper right now and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. It just goes to show that getting off the grid in any fashion whatsoever is a gigantic effing NO-NO! If they can’t control you in some fashion they think they’re not doing their job.
So I’m off to my appointment with a bank finance officer who can finally convince these morons that I actually exist. Once that paperwork is forwarded to the insurance carrier and they are happy . . . TA DA . . . I’ll return to the bank immediately and close the damn account, thumb my nose to all of them, and go about what’s left of my life or until someone else gets in line to screw with me.
Just so you know, this crap will never end until you’re dead and buried. But God forbid you don’t die properly or THEY may require your family to dig you up to prove your still in the casket. Make sure your family knows to fill out the required exhumation forms in triplicate or THEY might raise their insurance rates or cancel them altogether.
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE (Politically Correct) SLAVES.
I’m being as lazy as I possibly can this morning and looking ahead to the beginning of a labor intensive Spring which is scheduled to begin on Thursday. Regardless of the cooler temperatures and crappy weather Lowe’s will be making a delivery which means much more work and a few aching muscles for me. It’s confusing for me to be so eager to get started with a project that will hurt so much but I’m forced to deal with the realities of the situation.
The garden is only moments away from becoming my main focus for at least the next three months. During that time I’ll be adding additional loam to all of the frames, fertilizing, and rototilling everything in sight to help loosen the soil. Then it’s just a matter of setting the fabric in place in all of the large frames to eliminate the need to weed this summer. Completing a general cleanup will then allow me to sit back and relaxing until the warmer temperatures decide to arrive.
Then comes the numerous trips to a selection of nurseries to purchase plants, plants, and more plants. Building and installing a few new trellises for the beans and snap peas as well as a box of .22 caliber ammunition for the assassination of the damn skunk. There are indications he’s already been visiting the property this year and I really have to get serious about ridding myself of him. With my luck he’ll have three or four relatives who’ll show up after his demise to make me even more crazy. It’s a wait and see situation for me, for him, and for them.
Welcoming the end of a rather lackluster winter season is something I’ve been looking forward to for months. In another month or two I’m sure to be complaining about the garden, the heat, the humidity, and wishing for Fall to arrive as soon on as possible. It’s a vicious cycle that we all seem to get caught up in every year.
Here’s my all time favorite garden quote. If it isn’t a little off-color then how can it be one of my favorites?
"A dirty hoe is a happy hoe."
After yesterdays shopping trip with my better-half I’m sitting here this morning trying to figure out exactly what kind of positive benefits I might have reaped from it as well as any negatives. The trip was relatively short compared to her usual shopping forays so I was forced to sit and read my Kindle at only three locations. Fortunately for me they were all in the Mall and out of the weather.
The positives.
Positive #1 – I sat an hour or so in the Mall out of the rain and cold weather.
Positive #2 – I had a free hour of reading time.
Positive #3 – I made my better-half happy by accompanying her.
Positive #4 – I was out of the house.
Positive #5 – I was able to continue my detailed study of black leggings and the effect they have on me when worn by skinny, well built, chubby, and the occasional obese woman.
Positive #6 – The good feelings that are generated by all those black leggings on the really well-built women.
Positive #7 – We ate a really delicious luncheon meal at Uno’s and:
Positive #8 – Our well-built waitress was wearing black leggings (that were even better than any dessert).
Now let’s move on to the negatives.
Negative #1 – I was forced to go out in the rain and cold weather to sit in an effing Mall.
Negative #2 – I wasted an hour of my precious time trying to read my Kindle in a crowded and annoying Mall.
Negative #3 – I remained silent and refused to voice my displeasure so not as to upset my better-half.
Negative #4 – I was taken to the Mall when my time could have been better spent at home with my X-Box.
Negative #5 – I was continuously distracted by a steady stream of women wearing black leggings.
Negative #6 – With all the hormones flying around because of the black leggings I was forced to remain seated the entire time (I hope you get my drift here).
Negative #7 – Eating out requires that I pay for a meal that I could have made at home for a fraction of the cost.
Negative #8 – Our waitress was way too efficient making numerous trips to our table to distract me from conversations with my better-half (it was those damn black leggings she was wearing).
Since the negatives cancelled out the positives I suppose you could say we had a reasonable day. Not outstanding but not terrible either. If it wasn’t for my better-half and all of those black leggings it could have been much less enjoyable. It’s amazing to me how our excellent relationship has developed over the years due to those thousands of little inconsequential compromises we make. Only one thing could have made our day better and close to absolute perfection.
MY BETTER-HALF NEEDS TO BUY A FEW PAIRS OF BLACK LEGGINGS !!
Critical Disclaimer: Darling this entire post was written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. You’ll just have to compromise a bit for all of the sarcasm.
I was happy yesterday when the last of that surprise April snow storm melted away. Spring Fever immediately returned and thoughts of gardening and yard work filled my stupid head. I rushed to Lowes after making a list of supplies including a new grill, a grill cover, and eighty 50 lb. bags of assorted potting soils and dirt. I was in heaven for the remainder of the day even though none of the stuff wouldn’t be delivered until next week but I didn’t care. I slept well dreaming about warm weather and many other Springtime activities. When I awoke this morning it was snowing again. I’m such an idiot.
As I was watching the snow flakes fly buy the window I remembered something else that was scheduled for today that I wasn’t looking forward to either. My better-half and I decided a few weeks ago that it was time to get rid of all of the extra holiday and winter weight we’d accumulated. Today was the start of our new and improved weight loss program (sarcasm). If that doesn’t depress the crap out of you nothing will.
We did our weight-in’s separately because neither one of us wanted to announce the results to the other. It’s just too effing depressing. This next month is going to be more than a little difficult but absolutely necessary. We both want to be healthier and thinner but the road to those things is a bumpy one. Eat more salads, less carbs, less calories, no snacking, no candy, no dairy, no alcohol, and OMFG just shoot me now. I’ll keep you posted on our progress regardless of the results.
I took a walk around the property a few days ago and it always amazes me just how resilient the plants are. We have things sprouting everywhere regardless of the snow and colder temperatures. Here are a feel quick snaps.
‘Chives’
‘Daffodils’
‘Rhubarb’
THE FUN SPRING IS JUST BEGINNING
Most people who blog love to write and I guess that’s understandable. What I don’t understand are those people out there who choose not to write or read. I’m not criticizing, just questioning why. It seems that some people are wired differently and just aren’t all that interested. I read almost the entire Lord of the Rings story to my young son and he enjoyed it immensely. I can honestly say that might be the last book he ever had read to him and he hasn’t read one on his own very often if ever. He just isn’t interested in reading.
Is it nature or nurture? I really don’t have a clue. Using my son again as an example, on his twelfth birthday I bought him a book on the history of baseball and statistics on every player of note for the last fifty years. I knew he loved sports and I took a shot. The book was four inches thick and I thought if nothing else he could use it as a door stop. He read the entire book in a few weeks and remembered almost every statistic on every player. After a time he drove me nuts quoting stats every time we talked. Apparently he was over-the-top interested in sports.
You all know how much I love the written word and trivia so I decided to combine them for todays post. Here’s my collection of useless information on the written word.
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The number of children in the United Kingdom appearing in hospital emergency rooms dropped by 50% on weekends when the new Harry Potter books were released.
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The first edition of Freud’s The Interpretation of Dreams (1899) sold only 351 copies in it’s first six years.
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Five years after the 9/11 attacks, 1248 books had been published on the subject.
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More than 150 books have the words “before you die” in their titles.
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Charles Dickens created 989 named characters.
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Only half of American adults have read a book since leaving high school.
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Five of the ten best selling novels in Japan in 2007 were written on mobile phones.
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In 1893, when Sir Arthur Conan Doyle killed off Sherlock Holmes, 20,000 people cancelled their subscriptions to The Strand Magazine, which had published the Holmes stories.
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Around 200,000 academic journals are published in the English language. The average number of readers per article is 5.
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The word “bible” does not appear in the works of Shakespeare.
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Thirty percent of hardcover books go directly from the printer to the warehouse.
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The Da Vinci Code is the bestselling book in French history. A quarter of the population is estimated to have read it.
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Mein Kampf was second bestselling book in Turkey in March of 2005.
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The eighteenth-century scholar Edmond Malone calculated that 4,144 of the 6,033 lines in parts I, II, and II of Henry VI were plagiarized by William Shakespeare.
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The record for the highest number of short stories published in The New Yorker by an author in one year is held by E.B. White (twenty-eight in 1927). The overall record is held by James Thurber, who published 273 stories from 1927 to 1961.
That’s it for today. Hopefully they’ll be a few non-readers out there who’ll decide to read this post. I know for certain my son won’t be one of them unless I add some silly facts about batting averages or Babe Ruth’s weight problems.
NON-READERS MAKE ME CRAZY
‘Religious & Silly?’
Well with another Easter finally here we should be that much closer to warmer temperatures. Having a bright sunny day just isn’t enough when the temperatures remain at or below freezing. That’s just another of Mother Nature’s teases but there’s only one way I like to be teased and this isn’t it.
It’s 10:30 am and I’ve yet to move from my bed. The better-half and I have been playing a vicious game of "Words With Friends" which I hate to admit I just lost by one effing point. Starting my day without kicking her butt may be a bad omen for the rest of my Easter Sunday. I know I’ll be hearing about this win all day.
‘Religious & Badass??’
It’s another chilling and gray day that’ll keep me from getting anything done outside. I refuse to be cold and miserable while doing all of those boring little chores that need to be completed. When the sun finally decides to come out then so will I. I was forbidden by my better-half from saying that “When the sun has risen . . then so will I”. She felt that would be rude to all of you religious folks out there. I disagree somewhat because almost all of the religious people I know are permitted a sense-of-humor. Hers has yet to be fully developed but “I pray” it will someday.
We celebrated Easter yesterday along with the one year birthday of our grandson. It was a fun party with lots of cake and presents but it also allowed us to have a quiet day today. We’re looking forward to a couple of steaks cooked on the grill tonight along with a bottle of blueberry Mead I’ve been saving for a special occasion.
Easter for me has no religious connotation but I know it does for my better-half. As with most things having a good stiff drink always helps me feel a little more religious (she won’t think that’s too funny either).
‘Religious & Intergalactic’
I’ll get this posted in the next few minutes and then spend the remainder of the day working on a pencil sketch that’s captured my interest this week. I hope all of you are enjoying your holiday with your families. Religious or not.
SORRY I CAN’T FIND ANYTHING RELIGIOUS ABOUT AN EASTER BUNNY
JUST SAYING LOVEY!
everyuselessthing.com 