Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
I was having a pretty good week all things considered. I survived a birthday party with a gang of 2-6 year olds, got out of attending a wedding I didn’t want to attend, and built a new book shelf for my man-cave. I had a solid eight hours of sleep and was feeling at peace with the world. As everyone knows life always manages to balance the scales whether you like it or not. If you have a lot of good going on you just know at some point not so good will soon follow. Thank you so much Planned Parenthood of Northern New England.
You could say it was a feeling like "a cold shower" or having "someone peeing in your corn flakes" but it was a letter of BS and propaganda from those poor abused folks responsible for all of the initiatives to force religious employers to foot the bill for female employee contraceptives.
Here’s the first thing that caught my eye.
"It is unbelievable. Anti-choice extremists are taking away our rights – and the United States Supreme Court is helping them do it."
I guess anyone who disagrees with them on a matter of "Choice" of any kind must be an extremist. The first thing you need to know, I am not religious in any way shape or form and I never defend religion and never will. I will defend their right to disagree with the idiots at Planned Parenthood. I find it ridiculous and offensive to have a heavily taxpayer funded organization whining about their problems. Any business owner has the right (or used to) to run their company the way they saw fit. Any good businessman will tell you the last thing they need is government funded interference. The US government is a joke when it comes to running anything. Unfortunately during one of their many bouts of the "politically correct flu" they decided to fund some liberal organizations like Planned Parenthood.
Their next point was this:
"The US Supreme Court decisions are alarming and disheartening. Here at Planned Parenthood of Northern New England, we believe women should get to choose which birth control method they want to use. Not her employer."
I actually found myself agreeing with part of that statement. Women should have the right to chose their method of contraception. I just don’t feel that the taxpayers or their employers should be footing the bill. If you can’t afford contraception try abstaining for a while or let your boyfriend, husband or partner stop at a CVS and pick up some condoms. There are millions of Americans that feel exactly the same way I do about it.
Here’s a scan of the actual letter. I blocked out my name and address because those liberals are well known for their vicious hate mail campaigns. I truly dislike organizations that send me junk mail that my tax dollars are paying for.
So in closing here’s my message to Planned Parenthood. Take me off your mailing list until such time your no longer leeching from the taxpayers ($300,000,000.00 at last count). Then you might have a little credibility in your arguments. Oh yeah, stop misstating the facts and resorting to name calling. You’re starting to sound a little like those desperate folks over at PETA.
We’ve reached mid-October and I’m starting to see indications of that holiday freight train that is rumbling full speed towards us. I was tasked with an errand last night that required me to pickup my better-half who was attending a wedding of a co-worked in a town north of here. Darkness had fallen and our trip home took us through a number of neighborhoods and small towns. We were within a quarter mile of home when I spotted something that sent a cold shiver down my spine . . . a lighted Christmas tree in front of a neighbor’s home. These neighbors are the newest members of our little community and are folks who love to celebrate each and every holiday with decorations of all sorts hanging from trees, shrubs, and anything else that doesn’t move too much. It can be cute but also it’s also more than a little annoying just like that tree was last night.
During some of my shopping forays in recent weeks I’ve observed the expected Halloween and Thanksgiving craziness but Christmas rearing it’s ugly head this early in October is ridiculous. Having worked for many rears for retail companies I understand the management mentality in getting the jump on competitors. It just seems they’ve all picked up some of the more bothersome bad habits of the king of all retailers, Walmart. They seem to think that anything that Walmart does automatically become the final word in making money. Having spent six months in a Walmart management training program allows me to proclaim that Walmart is just as screwed up as any other company. Their saving grace secret is their size. When you’re as big as Walmart it’s much easier to hide your screw ups and bad decisions.
I have a sneaking suspicion that Sam Walton is probably spinning in his grave after watching what has gone on with his company. On my first day at Sam’s Club I was handed a paperback book on the life and times of their founder Sam Walton. I was ordered to read that book immediately and was questioned heavily on it’s contents throughout the training period. Almost all of the training tapes that were in use were tapes made by Walton himself who at the time had been dead for more than ten years. I was being trained by a dead guy in Walmart’s lame attempt to brainwash me into their world of retail. Just before my graduation from that training program I was on my way to work and wishing I wasn’t. Ten minutes after I arrived I walked into the General Manger’s office and resigned. I walked away and never looked back. They only succeeded in making me unhappy, miserable, and just a little crazy. I’ve never regretted my decision.
This isn’t a rant just about Walmart but a general disappointment with the cynical approach taken by almost every retailer. I think we can thank Wall Street and the Harvard Business School for a lot of these issues. The stock market virtually requires companies to meet expectations regardless of the methods used. The Harvard MBA’s that I’ve been involved with over the years were all young bean-counters of the worst sort. They’d gut a company, fire any number of employees, cut benefits, just about anything to help meet those Wall Street projections. People are just numbers to them and are treated accordingly. Is it any wonder things are the way they are.
So after saying all of that I hope you’re prepared for the avalanche of Christmas nonsense headed your way. Ten glorious weeks of Santa Clause, presents, endless TV commercials, and a hit to your wallet that will be larger than ever before. Oh yeah, I recently heard a nasty rumor that once upon a time Christmas had something to do with religion. How stupid am I?
I’m sitting up in my bed and the electric blanket has been resurrected once again. The nights are chilling down dramatically as reflected by my new morning wardrobe. A heavy robe, wool socks, sweat pants, and an extra cup of steaming hot coffee. Things like that can only be properly appreciated while sitting up in bed at a minimum of level 4 on the electric blanket. Just saying.
Last night no one really wanted to cook the evening meal so we made a trek to the Maine Mall to window shop, eat some almost nutritious food at the food court, and possibly spend a little money. Forgetting that it was a Saturday night was mistake number one. The place was packed with large numbers of rude people all rushing around, pushing, shoving, and generally being ridiculous. I also realized something else as we walked around observing many groups of teenagers huddled here and there looking for things to do. I’m truly glad I’m not married and don’t have any young daughters to worry about.
Any parent that permits their daughter to loiter around any mall just boggles my mind. If any daughter of mine insisted on hanging out at a mall with her friends I’m afraid of what my reaction might be. I can see myself in a tacky disguise scurrying around the mall, hiding behind plants, just to keep an eye on the activities of her and her friends. There are way too many unthinkable possibilities just waiting to happen in this kind of atmosphere.
I was in dire need of a few new T-shirts and was intent on finding some. We visited a store called ‘The Hot Topic’ where we seemed to be a little out of place. It’s very much like a ‘Spencer’s’ without all of the sexual paraphernalia. My better-half and I were the only people in that crowded store over the age of 25. I made my way to the back wall because I’d been told they have offer quite the collection of T-Shirts made with images of vintage rock groups.
I decided some time ago to make a few changes to my boring wardrobe. I concocted a few new rules to help make my life a little easier when it comes to making a personal fashion statement.
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No more white T-shirts of any kind. Being as clumsy as I am makes white t-shirts a nightmare. Everything I eat eventually leaves it’s mark somewhere on the front of the shirt..
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No more stupid or cute sayings on my shirts. It make me either look stupid or uncute.
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Buy only T-shirts about classic musical groups. There aren’t any current groups I’d allowed to be displayed on this body.
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No more extra-large shirts. I’m now just a large and proud of it.
I found a few shirts (see the photo’s) I absolutely loved, made my purchases and we headed to the food court.
It’s a place with long lines, plastic sporks, and borderline delicious foods. There were representative kiosks from most Asians cultures as well as many of the standard American calorie and fat factories. We pigged out on a selection or two from Arby’s because the lines for Chinese food were too damn long.
I think it’s quite possible the decline of this county was part of a well planned attack initiated many decades ago by the Chinese. I’ll bet years ago they decided as a first step towards invasion to build as many Chinese restaurants as they could in the US and get a large majority of the population addicted to their food. If by chance over the next decade we begin to see Islamic restaurants springing up everywhere it could mean only one thing. Eventually this country will be the prize that goes to the winner of the Chinese/Muslim food wars.
With indigestion in our near future we left the confines of the mall and headed home. That Arby’s feast was so good it keep coming back up all night reminding us just how good it really wasn’t.
Lesson learned, no more fast food from the food court.
I’m a child of television. I come by it honestly because I was a member of the first generation that had TV. So for good or bad I’ve spent a great deal of my life listening and watching the tube. In my early years television was unsophisticated and simple with only three networks to choose from and a 12” black and white screen.
Years later it was still black and white pictures but there were rumors of something called ‘Pay TV’ on the horizon. It was the latest and greatest evolution of Television where you paid a monthly fee and there would be no commercial interruptions. Around that same time full color TV’s were introduced. The worst thing about ‘Pay TV’ was that we bought the fiction hook, line, and sinker. Before we knew it cable TV was born and so began the steadily rising monthly fees, surcharges, and the reintroduction of commercials but only on a limited basis (so they said). Yeah, we bought that BS as well.
Move forward a few more years and the monthly rates continued to increase based solely on the companies ability to increase the number of channels that you really weren’t all that interested in having but they were “part of the package”. More commercials were then added because the companies claimed a need for extra revenues to help cover their costs of production and maintenance of their infrastructure. Another giant pile of BS.
Move forward in time to yesterday. I’m now receiving my TV programming by the satellite dish hanging off the side of my house. Pretty impressive but only if you live somewhere where it never rains or snows. I never see any reduction in my monthly fees due to all of the weather related interruptions in service. I especially enjoy winter and those numerous trips I’m forced to make in my bathrobe to clear the dish during snow squalls. I also don’t appreciate all of the extra channels I’ve been involuntarily stuck paying for because “it’s part of the package”. You’d think by now they’d have a better list of stupid reasons for inflating our monthly charges.
I never thought I’d see the day when advertisements would come to be thirty minutes long on virtually every channel for a good part of the morning viewing hours. How stupid is it that the advertisers then take short breaks during those half-hour infomercials for a commercial or two. Commercials inside commercials, unbelievable right?
We are inundated with commercials everywhere everyday. Planes flying over our beaches. Talking digital images on every end cap at Walmart activated as you walk by to spew their annoying messages. Gas station pumps talking in your ear with more lame and unimportant messages. It just never stops, so I decided to do a little research.
For two hours last evening during good old TV prime time (6-8 pm), I began counting the number of commercials. In a 120 minute time frame on two different channels I was forced to listen to all of these in this exact order:
Transvaginal Mesh Lawsuits, Back Support Device, Xarelto Drug, Hair Club, Sleep Number Beds, Belviq Weight Loss Drug, DR rapid fire log splitters, Hip replacement implant lawsuits, Dolphin Tale 2 Trailer, Little Caesars Pizza, Target, Gone Girl Movie Trailer, News Update, Lowry Law Firm, Toyota, Dick’s Discount Furniture, Dunkin Donuts, The Box Trolls Trailer, Hannaford Foods, Political Ad Maine, Kohl’s, Dodge, Scion Maze Runner Trailer, Sonic, Hershey, Dos Equis, Hanes Underwear, Nasacort Allergy Meds, US Navy, Dairy Queen, Geico, Reese’s Pieces, Dewars Whiskey, Gillette Razor, Dulera Asthma Meds, John Deere, Progressive Insurance, Tostados, Burger King, Hershey, Honda, Direct TV, Nasacort Allergy Meds, Pizza Hut, Fuse Electric Cigarettes, Schick Razor, Supernatural Trailer, Corona, Jolly Rancher, Walk Among the Tombstones Trailer, AT&T, Ace Hardware, Toyota, Sonic, Reese’s Pieces, Dewar Whiskey, Gillette Razor, Cricket Wireless, State Farm, Heineken, Dunkin Donut, Winter soldier Trailer, Kit Kat, Allegra Allergy Meds, UFC, Heinz, Evel Knievel trailer, Cricket wireless, Wendy’s, ROLO, Honda, Direct TV, Maze Runner Trailer, ITT Tech, Dos Equis, KFC, Reese’s Pieces, Nasacort Allergy Meds, Fiat, Domino’s Pizza, Ice Breakers Breath Mints, Sonic, Skittles, Cricket Wireless, Lipton Tea, Kit Kat, Dos Equis, Walk Among the Tombstones Trailer, Eye Exam PSA, Lending Tree Loans, Scion, State Farm, Reese’s, UFC, Sons of Anarchy Trailer.
Is it just me or is this pure insanity. 72 commercials of varying lengths in just 120 minutes. There’s little doubt that these money hungry cable companies will eventually supply us with only 10 minutes of actually programming per hour if we just agree to watch 50 minutes of effing commercials. Is it any wonder that we can’t just sit down and relax anymore. Even if the TV is off the radio chimes in with their commercials. Signs along the roads and on thousands of vehicles driving by make it impossible to escape.
Try and enjoy your day.
What’s your morning routine? For most of my life I’ve had a routine and I stuck to it regardless of the day, the month, or the year. It also was flexible enough to change when necessary to fit my always changing lifestyle. I have to say that my routine these days is by far the best it’s ever been.
I’m sitting in a nice warm bed and into my second cup of coffee while watching and listening to one of my favorite chick flicks, Return to Me. My better-half has left for work, the cat has been fed, and I just finished off a bowl of crunchy cereal covered with berries and almond milk. Now it’s time to write this posting before I finally roll out of bed and officially start my day.
With Fall now rushing upon us and Labor Day behind us, we decided to make our farewell visit to the nearby tourist trap, Old Orchard Beach. We expected much smaller crowds because many places close up for the season just after the Labor Day weekend. It was warm and sunny and the crowds were even smaller than we anticipated.
We were both surprised to see that the vast majority of shops and restaurants had already closed their doors for the year. I’d intended to do some shopping at a certain store but because it was on the grounds of the amusement park it was fenced off and locked up. That’s what I get for delaying my visit to avoid the crowds. Another casualty of my claustrophobic need to avoid large groups of insane people.
The beach was almost as empty as everything else. Just a few die-hard beach people refusing to accept the fact that Winter is fast approaching.
We made our way to The Pier and the local Irish Pub. They were open for business and apparently trying to rake in as much money as they could from any straggling tourists. The prices were too high but the food was almost as good as the cold beer or so says my live-in beer expert. I had the vodka tonic which wasn’t all that bad either.
We ended the evening with our mandatory visit to the Arcade for my better-half’s minor obsession with Skee Ball. Don’t ask me why she has it, I just don’t know. We walked around for twenty minutes or so and decided to call it a night. The Summer is over, Fall is beginning, and we’ll be shoveling the white stuff all too soon.
Just so you know the little guy on the right is me. A little bit taller and always keeping an eye out for trouble. And in my humble opinion a whole lot cuter too.
Today has suddenly become a day of rest. It wasn’t planned this way but I’m nothing if not flexible when it comes to loafing. My better-half is gone to work, the cat is snoring at the bottom of the bed, and I’m watching an old rerun of Unsolved Mysteries while I type. I had a bit of a scare yesterday so I’m relaxing today and trying to recuperate. And of course it was a case of sheer stupidity on my part.
I awoke yesterday, had a cup of coffee, and then immediately headed for the treadmill for forty minutes of fun and torture. That workout is fairly intense and I’m usually soaked and exhausted after I’ve finished. I then took a short ride to Lowe’s to see my girl and to buy some supplies for what I hoped would be my last project of the summer. I purchased 25 gallon of driveway sealer and returned home intending to store the cans and to do the job another day.
During the ride home I kept thinking about the project and convinced myself I could get it done today. The weather was in the eighties and the sun was beating down. The perfect day for this type of project I thought. I swept the driveway, changed my clothes, and got to it.
In my bicycling days I was always told to avoid dehydration, "drink when your not thirsty". One one occasion I fell from my bike during a 100 mile ride because I hadn’t consumed enough water. I ended up in a clinic being treated after almost passing out. Did I follow that hydration rule today? Of course not! I was in a hurry to get the job completed so I started immediately without drinking anything.
An hour later I’m still at it, my clothes are soaking wet, and all of a sudden my legs gave out forcing me to sit in the yard for a few minutes to catch my breath. I knew what was happening so I slowly made my way into the house for water. I drank two bottles of water and sat for a bit to cool off. I should have stopped at that point but the job was only half done and I wanted to finish. I returned to it after putting on a hat and drinking another bottle of water.
Another half hour goes by and I find myself so weak I can barely stand. I sat down right where I was and couldn’t get up. It took almost five minutes before I had the strength to move and return to the house. More water and rest which didn’t help all that much. I knew I only had about ten more minutes of work to finish the job and decided to just do it, regardless of how I was feeling. That was stupid mistake number three. I finished the job and barely had enough strength to return to the house. I took a cold shower and drank more water but felt no better.
For the rest of the day and well into the night I wasn’t myself. I couldn’t focus on any one thing and had lost my appetite completely. I also slept badly during the night but it seems this morning I’m pretty much back to normal. I still feel a little shaky but better.
I’m only relating this story as a warning to others not to be as stupid as I’ve been. I could just as easily have dropped over and ended up in an ambulance rushing me to a hospital. This is from a person who knew better but said the hell with the circumstances, I can handle it. I couldn’t. It was more than a little scary but I guess it takes absolute terror to get through to me.
Remember to hydrate before your thirsty, while your thirsty, and again after you’re no longer thirsty. This has been my first and hopefully last health related Public Service Announcement.
I have a few least favorite things but two in particular. First, I hate having my teeth drilled. The sound and smell of teeth drilling makes me cringe because it’s been done all to often over the years. Second, I hate doctors, nurses and hospitals. I do realize they’re a necessary evil but I hate them none the less.
My late mother was never a well person. Through all of her illnesses and surgeries there paraded scores of doctors who spent more time spending her money than fixing her problems. Each specialist prescribed different medicines and drugs with little or no thought to the many others doing the same damn thing. They almost killed her a couple of times with their constant insistence that the next drug was the one that would fix everything. She trusted them with her life but I will not.
I’m ranting about doctors because I spent yesterday afternoon being manhandled by the new and improved healthcare system. Obamacare cost me my doctor of fifteen years when he threw up his hands last year, sold his practice, and left the country. I really wish I could have gone with him.
I arrived yesterday to go through an annoying series of blood tests which are required every time I turn around. I arrived early being the obedience dumb ass that I am and then sat for forty minutes while I waited for a computer person to enter my name into a freaking computer. Big surprise, they had no record of my blood test request or my upcoming doctors appointment. My obedient behavior became a thing of the past as I intimidated everyone involved to pull their heads out of their collective asses and get their act together. After another half hour I was advised that my doctors appointment I thought was scheduled for next week had been changed. Oops, no one sent me an email or letter telling me that. After much bitching and complaining on my part they agreed to fast-track my blood work to have it ready for my newly scheduled appointment tomorrow at 10am.
I had a surly and annoying young lady stick me and remove a number of tubes of my beautiful red blood. She was in quite the mood about something but decided to be an asshole toward me. Little did she know that I was once married for a very long time and that my-ex wife made her look like an freaking amateur when it came to pissing me off.
It’s now tomorrow and I’ve just returned from my annual doctors appointment All my numbers were perfect but he insisted on giving me the old one fingered prostate exam while a female assistant looked on. She was hot enough to be one of my hundreds of sexual fantasies but not after today. That ship has sailed. He then announced that he had an early Christmas gift for me this year. He’ll be scheduling me for my fifth colonoscopy in the last 9 years. My ass seemed to be very popular today for some reason.
Just to reiterate, I hate effing doctors, Medicare, Obamacare and Obama as well.
After a little reflection it occurred to me that many of you have heard enough about gardens, canning, and other assorted foolishness I’m involved with. There will certainly be more of that soon enough but not today.
This blog was named Every Useless Thing for a reason. I love odd facts and facts that aren’t commonly known. I’ve drifted away from that of late and that needs to be remedied. I’ve been collecting sources of useless information for many years and still have a lot to pass on to all you.
As I sit here trying to concentrate I keep praying that this Novocain my dentist shot me full of wears off soon. I’m afraid to drink any hot coffee for fear of scalding my mouth. He said it’s effects should pass after an hour or so. It’s not that I think he doesn’t know what he’s talking about but dammit it’s already been two and half hours. I‘m sure you’ll be glad to know that after his fine work this morning I’m beautiful again. The world can once again rest easy.
Let’s get to the good stuff. More things you could care less about unless you hope to win a trivia contest or a few bar bets.
Bishamon, Daikoku, Ebisu, Fukurokuju, Jurojin
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Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon using his left foot first.
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President Andrew Jackson’s pet parrot had to be removed from his funeral in 1845 because it was swearing.
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Lee Harvey Oswald was dyslexic.
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Joseph Stalin, whose left arm was noticeably shorter than his right, also had webbed toes on his left foot.
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In the eight year period Ronald Reagan was president, the White House bought 12 tons of his favorite jelly beans.
I know you’ve missed this stuff no matter what you tell me. It just keeps getting more interesting and exciting. (sarcasm off)
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The difference between a nook and a cranny is that the nook is a corner and the cranny is a crack.
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Race car is a palindrome.
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Mick Jagger turned down a 3.5 million pound advance offer on his memoirs from a publisher because, he said, “couldn’t remember” enough significant details from his own life.
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Idiot quote: “Everything that can be invented has been invented.” U.S. Patent Office 1899
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A cat has four rows of whiskers.
I’m almost finished so hang in there for a minute. It’s not really as boring as you seem to think.
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The license number of the General Lee in The Dukes of Hazard was CNH 320.
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There are 1,943 names listed in the closing credits of The Matrix Reloaded.
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Virginia Woolf wrote all her books standing up.
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“Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver.” –Carol Malia, BBC TV presenter.
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Pasta vermicelli means “little worms”.
All finished, another installment of useless crap has been distributed. Use it at your own risk, it can sometimes piss people off. You’ve been warned.
For months now I’ve been telling you about the attempts by my better-half to convince me to buy a few goats, a dog, chickens, and even a few boxes for raising bees. As you also know I not really crazy about any of those ideas and have been more than clear about it.
In the last few months I thought we’d finally settled those desires with a big fat NO WAY. This story continues forty-eight hours ago when the better-half left for work after telling me she’d be working a little later than usual. I had a handful of stupid little chores that needed done and was sure this extra time would allow me to complete them.
Let me give you some background information to make this story a little easier to understand. A few years ago we had our house resided. New house wrap was installed and once and for all we thought our home would be sealed from intrusion by Mother Nature’s millions of little friends. From that point on the assault by bees, wasps, yellow jackets, and lady bugs continued but with little success on their part. Since wasps and yellow jackets love to build their nests on wood surfaces under the eaves of houses I thought we were finally safe because the siding was vinyl and they couldn’t attach their nests to it.
My better-half told me in passing that a wasp nest was being built under the deck above one of her flower gardens. Could I take care of it please? I really didn’t listen to her at the time and just went about completing my other chores.
The second fact you need to understand is that we have a room that opens to the back yard at the rear of the house. This is used for storage of garden supplies, shovels, weed-whackers and other yard implements. It’s always locked when not in use and I hadn’t been in there for a week or so. I was intending to get the weed-whacker and start my yard work but as I stood near the door I heard an odd buzzing sound. As I unlocked the door the buzzing got much louder and when I stuck my head into the room I saw hanging just above my head a wasp’s nest the size of an NFL football.
As you should remember I broke my leg last fall and damn near destroyed my right knee. I’ve healed up rather well but not completely. I have a slight limp and can’t run too fast anymore, or so I thought.
A cloud of about a thousand bees decided I was trespassing in their territory and to my surprise I discovered that I really was completely healed. I took off like an Olympic sprinter running across the yard with thousand of those little bastards hot on my trail. I managed to outrun them and then slowly returned to the house by a circuitous route to plan my revenge.
A long sleeved shirt, long pants, a baseball hat, and leather gloves completed my ensemble. Along the way I picked up a shovel and a huge can of deadly bug spray. I approached the nest and was able to see a second nest right next to it. Shit! I entered spraying my heart out, dodging hoards of bees which were bouncing off my head. I was able to knock both nests down and spray them heavily and then I got the hell out of there. I waited a few minutes, returned and finished off another thousand bees. That spray was a real killer and it did the job and then some. How I was able to escape being stung I’ll never know. Later in the day I cleaned up the debris and considered the matter closed, or so I thought.
My day continued and the other chores were finally finished. I was walking across the yard and I saw what looked like a lot of bees flying around under the front deck near the flower garden. It dawned on me then that this was probably the one my better-half had warned me about. What did I find but another huge nest of wasps. What the hell right. I was on a roll and decided to wipe this nest out once and for all, or so I thought.
Since the deck is eight feet high I retrieved a step ladder, my bee killing outfit, the long stick, and the bug spray. Easy peasy, right? The only problem was climbing the ladder quickly before they could attack and to not fall off the ladder in the process. I had a stick in one hand, bug spray in the other, and began climbing the ladder with no hands. The bees immediately saw the error of my ways and attacked. They knocked me off the ladder which then fell on top of me. I scrambled to my feet and took off running again. I made it about three feet before one of those buggers stung me on top of my head. They may be small but OMG the pain from that sting was unbelievable. I fled again and took a little time to rethink my strategy while putting an ice pack on my head.
I returned pissed off with nothing but revenge on my mind. I knocked the nest down and killed everything in it. There were hundred still swarming but they had been sprayed and were slowly dying. I turned and walked away very proud of myself when one last little SOB came out of nowhere and stung me on the head in the same exact spot as the first one. That shot dropped me to my knees and required a steam of curse words to make me feel better.
My question is this. Did my better-half know about the nests in that back room? She says she didn’t but I don’t believe her entirely. She seemed a little too smug and insincere when I was looking for some sympathy for my wounds. She finally got her wish that we have bees but unfortunately these little killers don’t make any honey. Maybe now she’ll attempt to bring some killer goats home to surprise me or maybe some chickens trained to attack. She’s a lot sneaker than she looks.
One last time darling, no bees, no goats, no chickens but maybe sometime in the future we can get a dog.
That’s my compromise.
I love passing along information that will possibly help some of you travelers out there in making your vacation or long weekend trips worth doing. I’ve just spent the Memorial Day weekend in Dallas and it was one of the best holidays ever. There always seems to be a few bothersome issues when traveling which tend to gripe my ass and that’s the topic for today’s discussion.
I really only have one travelers tip for you based on my recent travels. Never fly the freaking friendly skies of United because believe me they’re not that damn friendly. United Airlines sucks and I intend to spell out the entire nightmare they put me and a few hundred of my fellow travelers through on Tuesday afternoon, Tuesday night, Wednesday’s wee hours of the morning and into Wednesday afternoon.
My trip began perfectly with a flight to O’Hare in Chicago last Friday, on time and no problems to complain about. I was filled with holiday cheer and was having good thoughts about the entire world and everyone in it. That lasted approximately two and a half hours until the United Airlines curse began. I was due to land at Dallas/Fort-Worth at 11:15 pm and my ride was waiting patiently for me. Honest, he really had nothing better to do than to waste his time waiting for United to get their act together. Finally after some typical airline BS I arrived in Dallas late. Being the forgiving soul that I am I cursed quietly under my breath and just let it go. I really do hate to be forced into any situation being controlled by any airlines but since it’s one of those times when they have you by the cojones , you’re screwed.
My holiday weekend was terrific with barbecues, tacos, and smoked steak headlining the menus. Unfortunately the fun had to end and as we drove to the airport for my return home I began to have premonitions of the coming disaster. As we flew out of Dallas a storm front arrived and eventually extended all the way to Dulles in Washington making for a really bumpy ride. We landed just ahead of the front and I had only thirty minutes to make my connection for the second leg of my journey to Maine because we arrived a little late.
United in their indisputable logic required me to run like O.J. Simpson across the terminal, jump into a shuttle bus to reach another terminal where I arrived out of breath and barely made the flight. All of us cattle herded ourselves into a small version of the Boeing 707 that held approximately a hundred idiots like me. Starting out the steward had difficulty making his safety announcements because his microphone appeared to have a loose wire of some sort. It was screeching from the feedback so loud no-one could understand him. Then the pilot announced a fan equipment failure and a half hour delay. That delay caused us to miss our take off window before the storms hit and we then had to sit through a wall of thunderstorms trapping us on the tarmac. Two hot and sweaty hours later the pilot tells us the flight has been cancelled because of other maintenance issues.
We were directed back to the terminal into the supposedly capable hands of the oxymoronic "Customer Service" crew. They herded us into a line of almost two hundred other people and offered only three Customer Service agents to handle all of our problems. As we waited endlessly in that line they announced we should call 1-800-UNITED1 for additional ticketing help.
To make a long story short the morons had me on hold for one hour before I got to talk to a human being who then told me there were no flights to Portland until Thursday with very few seats available on them. He then passed me along to another so called expert who put me on hold again. My phone ran out of power at that point and I was forced to stand around for another hour in that line to get help from their three overwrought agents. I felt bad for them but unfortunately this nightmare was about me. Also during that time my luggage, a small carryon that I had been forced to bag check in Dallas, had been sent into the black hole that is the United baggage claim system and disappeared.
Their first recommendation when I reached an agent was that I upgrade to a first-class ticket for an additional $226.00 and they could get me on a flight to Boston within the hour. Then I could rent a car and drive the rest of the way to Maine at my expense of course. I won’t repeat exactly what I said because it was extremely rude and crude. Lets just say that agent immediately understood I wasn’t interested.
I’d like to take a moment here to thank the lovely and friendly blonde lady from Yarmouth, Maine whose name I never got. She was sweet and calm and kept me from erupting into a full blown maniacal rant while we stood in that line. As I promised her, I have nothing but nice things to say about her. I told her about this blog and she was worried I might say something derogatory.
I strong armed that United agents into finding me a flight on another carrier, US Airways, but I had to shuttle across Washington DC to Reagan National Airport ($30.00 for a fifteen minute ride) and arrived there at midnight. I should also tell you that United refused any compensation to any of the travelers even though most were forced to get motel rooms that averaged $150.00 a night (I wasn’t one of them to be sure). They claimed the cancellations were totally due to the weather and never mentioned any of the maintenance issues we’d been told about by our pilot. Maintenance issues require them to compensate travelers so I wasn’t all that surprised when they didn’t hesitate to screw us all. A bunch of lying, uncaring, arrogant assholes to categorize them as nicely as possible.
I have to tell you that I had a lovely night sleeping on the floor of the terminal at Reagan National airport with eighty of my now closest friends who also refused to be coerced into paying out of pocket for motel rooms. I finally flew home to Portland today with US Airways and arrived at three o’clock this afternoon. Along with all of the other BS, I lost my Kindle Reader as I was scurrying around trying to get home. I hadn’t had a decent meal for thirty hours and I had the pungent aroma of a disgusting farm animal or so I was told by my better-half when she picked me up.
Thanks for nothing United Airlines. May you and your entire operation rot in hell. You’ll never see me again.
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