Many years ago a girl I once knew,
Was in desperate need of a screw.
Not too hard to find, someone who is kind,
And would bang her till she was black and blue.
But who??
Archive for the ‘Looking Back’ Category
10/26/2021 ***Limerickđź’—Alert*** Leave a comment
10/25/2021 Dumb Republican Quotes Leave a comment
This is the first of two posts concerning our two major political parties. I decided to do the dumb quotes of the Republicans first to avoid the never ending complaints of bias from the Democrats and other Liberals. After all this time they still haven’t gotten my core message. I don’t much care for any politicians from any party. This is my friendly gesture to all of you non-Republicans out there that stupid things are consistent to all parties. Enjoy . . .
- “If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I’m the dictator.” ~ George W. Bush
- “When the President does it that means that it’s not illegal.” ~ Richard M. Nixon
- “Exercise freaks are the ones putting stress on the health care system.” ~ Rush Limbaugh
- “Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.” ~ Jerry Falwell
- “Facts are stupid things.” ~ Ronald Reagan
- “This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating.” ~ George W. Bush
- “Trees cause more pollution than automobiles.” ~ Ronald Reagan
- “[America has to import so many workers because] for the last 35 years we have aborted more than a million people who would have been in our workforce.” ~ Mike Huckabee
- “I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.” ~ Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia
- “I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started.” ~ Donald Rumsfeld
- “Well, I learned a lot. I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You’d be surprised, they’re all individual countries.” ~ Ronald Reagan
- “We have a lot of work to do. It’s a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border.” ~ John McCain (the countries share no common border)
- “The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.” ~ Rush Limbaugh
- “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you.” ~ Representative. Virginia Foxx
- “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.” ~ George W. Bush
Be sure to check back tomorrow for the Democratic posting on this subject. You’ll see that both stupid and smart people have the ability look ridiculous at times. It’s unfortunate that we the citizenry are forced to listen to all their never-ending nonsense.
GOOD LUCK TO US ALL
10/24/2021 How Dumb Are We? Leave a comment
10/23/2021 Weird Facts and a Joke Leave a comment
As you all know, I collect weird, unusual, and strange facts. Over the years my collection of weird facts has grown so large that I feel the need to share them with you just so someone other than me can enjoy them. Here are just ten of them that I’d like to pass along. It’s giving me something to do on this cold, rainy, and dreary day in Maine. I can feel winter sneaking up on me and I’m not sure I ready for the frigid cold weather and snow. Here we go . . .
- Two 1903 paintings were sold at auction for $590,000 – the paintings were in the famous “Dogs Playing Poker” series.
- Actor Burt Reynolds was originally cast to play Hans Solo in the first Star Wars film. He dropped out just before filming started.
- 7% of Americans claim they never bathe at all.
- The number of U.S. college students studying Latin is three times the number studying Arabic.
- If you could drive to the sun at 55 mph it would take you about 193 years.
- Everyone has his or her own unique odor identity, or “smelly fingerprint”.
- 10% of the world’s volcanoes are in Japan. Among them, 108 have erupted in the last 10,000 years, 50 in the last 100 years, and 36 are currently active.
- There are approximately 250,000 sweat glands in a pair of feet, and they excrete as much as half a pint of moisture each day.
- Each domestic cow emits about 105 pounds of methane a year.
- It takes your mouth, esophagus, stomach, small intestine, gallbladder, pancreas and liver just to digest a glass of milk.
Now that the weird facts list has been completed, I thought you might enjoy a little humor. Being a former police officer this joke made me laugh out loud. Any cop can tell you that things like this actually do occur and they always helped to break up a slow work day. Enjoy!
There was a middle-aged guy who had just bought a Mercedes 2000 convertible. He headed down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “This is great,” he thought, and floored it some more, only to hear a siren and see the flashing lights of a State Police car in his rearview mirror. “I can get away from him no problem,” thought the man, and he stepped on it again until he was flying down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing,” so he slowed and pulled over to the side of the road to wait for the officer to catch up with him. The pursuing officer pulled in behind the Mercedes, got out, and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch, “my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me one good reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The fellow looked at the patrolman and said, “Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The patrolman said, “Have a nice day.”
THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I STILL MISS POLICE WORK
10/21/2021 50 Things I Love Leave a comment
A few weeks ago I supplied you with a list of fifty things that annoyed me. That was a modified list of The 100 Things I Hate from eleven years ago. Now I’m going to do the same thing to The list of 100 Things I Love. After closely reviewing my old list I was able to eliminate half of the items. It wasn’t an easy job and I have a feeling I’ll be taken to task for some of things I eliminated by friends and family alike. So be it. Here’s my revised list of the Fifty Things I Love, but be warned all of you nitpicker’s out there. This new list can be updated without notice and you might just be eliminated the next time around. Here they are . . .
licking the hairs at the base of a woman’s spine, kids laughing, people watching, sex in the morning, small breasts, reading anything, being naked in the morning, real coffee, lucy my cat, the ocean, getting oil massages, watching your lips on me, honesty, medium-sized breasts, skinny-dipping, truth, large breasts, girl watching, pretty feet, computer games, my better half, , orgasms anytime, huge breasts, BJ’s at night, masturbation-alone or with a friend, being naked in the afternoon, old friends, making out in the back seat of a car, all animals, sloppy tongue-sucking kisses, snow, BJ’s in the morning, movies that make you cry, making you laugh, juicy fantasies, growing herbs, mom and dad, sculpting, painting, history, reading your tarot cards, creating anything, jacuzzies, deck time, blogging, writing, winemaking, grandchildren.
As a courtesy I’ll add this formal apology to all those people who were removed from the list as well as a number of things that were originally listed that I can no longer perform. No wise cracks please. You know who you are and so do I.
WHO LOVES YOU BABY?
10/20/2021 “1958 vs. 2021” Leave a comment
I really don’t think another of my rants about political correctness is necessary today. These scenarios speak for themselves, in volumes.
Scenario 1:
1958 – Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack. The Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun out to show Jack.
2021 – School goes into an immediate lock-down and classes are suspended. FBI and local police are called, Jack is hauled off to jail and his gun confiscated. His truck is towed away and impounded. Counselors are called in to aid any traumatized students and teachers. The Vice Principle was later terminated and cited for not wearing his mask.
Scenario 2:
1958 – Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. A crowd gathers. Mark wins the fight. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2021 – Police are called and SWAT team arrives — both Johnny and Mark are arrested. They are charged with assault and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Both are also cited for failure to maintain safe distance requirements because of the pandemic. Johnny was also found unmasked. Juvenile hearings are scheduled and Anger Management therapy mandated. Teachers are required to attend a training seminar on How to Handle Out of Control Students and a review session on Covid-19 rules and requirements is scheduled..
Scenario 3:
1958 – Jeffrey will not be still in class and he disrupts other students. Jeffrey is sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and doesn’t disrupt the class again.
2021 – Jeffrey is isolated from other students. His parents are called and he’s transported to his doctor’s office. A recommended dose of Ritalin is prescribed by his physician. He then becomes a zombie. Next he’s then tested for ADD allowing the family to collect extra money (SSI) from the government because of his disability. Family counseling is ordered by the authorities.
Scenario 4:
1958 – Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2021 – Billy’s dad is immediately arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to a foster care home until the father has completed his Anger Management classes. Billy then joins a local gang and is later arrested for a host of crimes. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she vaguely remembers being abused herself as a child and their dad ends up in prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist and Billy steals a car and runs away.
Scenario 5:
1958 – Mark gets a headache and brings some aspirin to school. Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal outside at the smoking dock.
2021 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. His parents are detained and their house searched for any illicit drugs or paraphernalia. The Principal is suspended pending an investigation of his receiving drugs from a suspect student and supplying that student with cigarettes.
Scenario 6:
1958 – Pedro fails high school English. He then goes to summer school, passes English and goes on to college.
2021 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by the state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files a class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from the core curriculum and Pedro is given his diploma anyway. He ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English.
Scenario 7:
1958 – Johnny takes apart some leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July. He puts them into a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an ant hill. Ants die.
2021- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism and possessing unauthorized explosives. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home. All computers are also confiscated. Johnny’s father and mother are placed on a terror watch list and are never permitted to fly again. The family is sued by a neighbor when a drug sniffing dog bites his son.
Scenario 8:
1958 – Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary is seen hugging him to comfort him. In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2021 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job after another teacher saw her hugging Johnny. She faces 3 years in State Prison for child molestation. Johnny undergoes 5 years of intense therapy, becomes sexually confused after hypnosis therapy revealed alleged repressed memories of abuse. He now identifies himself as a transgendered named Janine.
AHHHHH!!! THE GOOD OLD DAYS
10/19/2021 Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Remembered Leave a comment
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle died on July 7, 1940 in Sussex, England of a heart attack. Six years and one month later I was born. Approximately twelve years after my birth I read my first Sherlock Holmes story and later saw my first Hollywood movie version starring Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce. I’ve been hooked ever since.
Through the years I was able to find and read the occasional Holmes story but it wasn’t until I was stationed in Korea in the 1960’s that I happened upon a complete volume of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries. It was left at the hooch of a Korean business girl by an American G.I. who had since returned to the states. She couldn’t read a word of English and gladly gave me the book. In the intervening years I’ve read the entire Holmes collections many times. That book I found in Korea actually piqued my interest in crime and criminal investigations.
After leaving Korea I joined the Pennsylvania State police and began a thirty year career first as a police officer, then a private investigator, and lastly as a corporate investigator. I’m not saying that Sherlock Holmes was the inspiration for my career but I can’t tell you how many times when I first initiated a case I thought to myself, “Watson, the game is afoot.” Rest in peace Sir Arthur, your legacy lives on.
THANK GOD FOR MY KINDLE, HOLMES IS WITH ME EVERYWHERE
10/14/2021 Day Three – Misc. Trivia Leave a comment
I know a lot of you celebrity lovers will be interested in the Oscar section, These trivia facts are laced with the names of so-called celebrities just for your enjoyment. Here we go . . .
FIRST, SOME FIRSTS
- Harry Houdini was the first man to fly a plane in Australia – in 1918.
- Barbra Streisand’s first performance was as a chocolate chip cookie.
- Groucho Marx ate his first bagel at the age of 81.
- The first ready-to-eat breakfast cereal was Shredded Wheat in 1893.
- Steven Spielberg directed the very first episode of Columbo.
- Courtney Cox was the first person on U.S. TV ever to use the word period – in an ad for Tampax.
OSCAR INFO
- The only actress to win an Oscar for less than 10 min. work: Judi Dench, who was on screen for only 8 min. in Shakespeare in Love (1998)
- The only actress to win a Best Actress Oscar in a foreign language: Sophia Loren for Two Women (1961)
- The only posthumous acting Oscar was won by: Peter Finch for Network (1976)
- The only actors to get seven acting nominations without ever winning a single Oscar: Peter O’Toole and Richard Burton
DEATHS
- Orson Welles and Yule Brenner both died on 10/10/85.
- The only mother and daughter to be nominated for Oscars in the same year: Diane Ladd and her daughter, Laura Dern, for Rambling Rose (1991)
- Sammy Davis Junior and Jim Henson both died on 05/16/90.
- Freddie Mercury and Klaus Kinski both died on 11/24/91.
SO ENDS DAY THREE
10/12/2021 Day One – Misc. Trivia Leave a comment
It’s time for another giant pile of flaming and utterly useless information. As you already know I’ve always been a huge fan of trivia thats unusual, odd, or strange. I’ve collected this information from books, e-mails, notes from friends, and anywhere else I could find it. I hope you enjoy them and find them as interesting and fun as I did.
- New foreskins discarded after circumcision are sold to biomedical companies for use in artificial skin manufacture. They are also used as the secret ingredient in some popular anti-wrinkle gels.
- Lettuce contains 2 to 10 parts of morphine per billion.
- To see a rainbow you must have your back to the sun.
- You can tell the temperature by listening to the chirp of a cricket. For the temperature in degrees Fahrenheit, count the number of chirps in 15 seconds and then add 37.
- A calorie is the amount of energy it takes to raise the temperature of 1 g of water by 1°C. A gallon of gasoline contains 31,000 K calories, or the equivalent of 46.3 happy meals.
- Bubblegum is pink because it’s creator Walter Diemer, a Fleer employee, had only pink coloring left when he mixed up his first successful batch.
- The fly of your jeans is the flap of cloth over the zipper, not the zipper itself.
- The term cop most likely derives from the British police acronym for Constable On Patrol.
- There are more Subway sandwich shops in Manhattan than there are actual subway stations.
- Henry Ford, Robert Fulton, Eli Whitney, and Paul Revere were all clock makers at one point in their lives.
- When Thomas Edison died in 1941, Henry Ford captured his last breath in a bottle.
- The first item sold on eBay (then called the auction web) was a broken laser pointer that sold for $14 at the time, more than the cost of a new one.
- The term “the whole 9 yards” dates from World War II. When fighter pilots armed airplanes, the 50 caliber machine gun ammunition belts loaded into the fuselage measured exactly 27 feet. If a pilot fired all his ammo at one target, it got “the whole 9 yards”.
- On average, women utter 7000 words a day; men manage just over 2000.
NOW WASN’T DAY 1 FUN?
10/11/2021 Famous Last Words – Part II Leave a comment
As I promised, here is part two of the “Famous Last Words” list. They don’t need any more of an introduction than that.
“No! I didn’t come here to make a speech. I came here to die.” Crawford Goldsby, a.k.a. Cherokee Bill, when asked if he had anything to say before he was hanged.
“I know you’ve come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man.” Che Guevera
“Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.” Francisco (Pancho) Villa
“I’ll be in hell before you start breakfast!” “Black Jack” Ketchum, notorious train robber
“Don’t worry… It’s not loaded…” Terry Kath, rock musician in the band Chicago Transit Authority as he put the gun he was cleaning to his head and pulled the trigger.
“Is someone hurt?” Robert F Kennedy, to his wife directly after he was shot and seconds before he fell into a coma.
“Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!” Groucho Marx
“Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough!” Karl Marx, asked by his housekeeper when his last words were to be
“I have a terrific headache.” Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage
“Drink to me!” Pablo Picasso
“I have not told half of what I saw.” Marco Polo, Venetian traveler and writer
“Dammit… Don’t you dare ask God to help me.” Joan Crawford. This comment was directed towards her housekeeper who began to pray aloud.
“Lord help my poor soul.” Edgar Allen Poe
Now that we’ve laid all these so-called celebrities to rest we can move on with our lives. If any of you come up with any epithets or last-words to celebrate your own death, let me know. I have a another post on this subject coming in the near future and I could add yours to the list.
* * * * TRIVIA WEEK COMING SOON * * * *
10/12 – 10/16
All Trivia – All Week
everyuselessthing.com 