Archive for the ‘Looking Back’ Category
Since my better-half and I are road tripping for the rest of the weekend I thought I’d just get Sunday’s posting out of the way before we leave. I hope you’ll enjoy your weekend.
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I’ve been watching and listening the the President and his minions for years now. I’ve discredited him when I could and attempted to convince anyone who would listen to look, see, and understand truth of things. If you’re still a big supporter then you’re obviously one of the Obama “Kool-Aid” drinkers. Why not listen to our past presidents who’ve been through the political wringer and survived. They have experiences that should be drawn upon for guidance and help in these perilous times. Listen up!
“It will be worthy of a free, enlightened, and, at no distant period, a great nation, to give to mankind the magnanimous and too novel example of a People always guided by an exalted justice and benevolence.”
George Washington – Farewell Address 1796
“I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that his justice cannot sleep forever.”
Thomas Jefferson 1785
“The American people will ever do well if well done by.”
Abraham Lincoln 1860
“The strength of our Nation must continue to be used in the interest of all our people rather than a privileged few. It must continue to be used unselfishly in the struggle for world peace and the betterment of mankind.”
Harry S. Truman – State of the Union Jan 1949
“Whatever America hopes to bring to pass in the world must first come to pass in the heart of America.”
Dwight D. Eisenhower – First Inaugural Address 1953
“America is a great nation today not because of what government did for people but because of what people did for themselves and one another.”
Richard M. Nixon – Beyond Peace 1994
“All great change in America begins at the dinner table.”
Ronald Reagan – Farewell Address Jan 1989
“America is never wholly herself unless she is engaged in high moral principle. We as a people have a purpose today. It is to make kinder the face of the nation and gentler the face of the world.”
George Bush – Inaugural Address 1989
I’ll say it again as I’ve said it so many times before. Know your past.
Welcome back to the next installment of E.U.T. (Every Useless Thing) University’s on-line education program. It’s the best known reservoir for totally useless knowledge and through our detailed courses of study we will explain many of those things that have puzzled mankind for centuries. Here are lesson plans #5 and #6. These topics are not common knowledge but we at E.U.T.U have searched for and found the truth just for you.
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Lesson #5 – How Did the “Missionary Position” Get It’s Name?
The missionary position is a position for sexual intercourse in which the man and woman lie facing each other, with the man on top of the woman. It is probably the best-known sexual position has been adopted by people for centuries.
The name of the position is widely thought to be derived from the early European missionaries, who discovered that native people in the New World were employing other unorthodox positions, such as the man penetrating the woman from behind. The missionaries taught the natives that couples facing each other was the only position that was acceptable to God (because it was more intimate, enabling both partners to see and kiss each other) and that any other position was considered unnatural. It is generally thought that these teachings were carried out by St. Paul who believed that the woman should be underneath the man during intercourse, while St. Augustine also taught that any other position was a sin against nature.
The term was first recorded in its popular definition in the 1960’s.
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Isn’t it amazing that so many of our current issues concerning sex and procreation were caused by a handful of prudish and allegedly holy men who passed it down to the “free love generation”. That irony at it’s very best.
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Lesson #6 – What is the G Spot and Where is It?
The G spot is a small area in a woman’s vagina that, when stimulated, is said to give her intense orgasms. It’s named after its discoverer Ernest Grafenberg, a German physician who conducted research on that area of the vagina in the 1950’s. In recent years.
The G spot is said to be located on the upper front vaginal wall, close to where the urethra joins the bladder. While its exact position can vary, it is commonly situated 2 to 3 inches inside the vagina, directly behind the pubic bone. It is the size of a small coin and has a spongy texture, distinguishing it from the otherwise smooth vaginal wall. Many women have difficulty in finding it, and some cannot find it at all.
The G spot is usually very sensitive and is capable of hardening and swelling. When pressure is applied to it, it can stimulate the need to urinate, and it might be the organ responsible for female ejaculation. One theory for the existence of this phenomenon is that during childbirth the head of the child pushes on the G spot, triggering the ejaculation, which lubricates the birth canal and helps with the final phase of birth.
Many people still maintain that the G spot doesn’t exist, or that it doesn’t contribute to orgasms in women. Others, meanwhile, claimed that it is part of the clitoris, the nerves of which penetrate deep below the surface.
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For all you men out there you can no longer deny the G spot’s existence or that you can’t to find it. The teachers from E.U.T.U. have spent countless hours and endless searching to find that magical spot, to map its location, and to supply that information to you. So guys, get off your ass and get out there and find that most important of female erogenous zones and don’t stop until you’ve been successful or you die trying.
These lessons will continue into many interesting areas that we at E.U.T.U. have been diligently researching. They will be published as soon as possible after being received in order to keep you up to speed. Your very welcome!
CLASS DISMISSED
I have a long time friend who has slipped in and out of my life for more than thirty years. He’s just turned eighty but is as spry and active as ever. He’s a part-time researcher for the History channel and always has his head in the game. He occasionally sends me interesting tidbits of things that interest him and they’re always fun to read. Here’s one.
The following information is presented as likely topics of conversations taking place around an office water cooler circa 1955. To many of you it may seem that 1955 was a thousand years ago but chronologically speaking it wasn’t. I was nine years old in 1955 and I’m able to remember listening to my parents as they discussed many of the topics you’re about to read.
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Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter?
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If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.
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When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon? Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.
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I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
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I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.
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Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.
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I never thought I’d see the day when all of our kitchen appliances would be electric. They’re even making electric typewriters now.
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It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet. It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
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I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign import business.
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Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.
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The fast food restaurant is convenient for a quick meal, but I seriously doubt they’ll ever catch on.
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There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
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No one can afford to be sick anymore. At $15.00 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.
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If they think I’ll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it.
That’s what’s now being called the “good old days”. Good in many ways, bad in others but truthfully a much simpler way of life. I’m sure there are a lot of young parents now who would prefer raising their children in that sort of atmosphere rather than the one we’re living in.
Know your past.
I hesitate to write about today’s subject because I know many of my female readers will take me to task. As Groucho Marx used to say on You Bet Your Life, "Today’s topic is foreplay. Say the secret word and win a hundred dollars".
The term foreplay gets tossed around all to often when men have their discussions about being successful lovers. It comes across as more of a joke topic than anything they should take too seriously. Most women are out-spoken in their demands that men become more accomplished in this most important area. I can’t argue that fact because over the years I’ve found it to be true.
I think many men are good at foreplay but even they are accused at times of being unskilled. It’s become an easy way for women to keep a man on the defensive and to force him into working even harder than usual. It’s those passive-aggressive remarks like “Oh, that was nice but my old boyfriend wasn’t good at that either”, that can really kill the mood. I’m not being too critical of them because it’s just human nature to try and reap the most benefits from every situation. I’ve known a few women who considered successful foreplay by a man to be when he removed his pants. As with all human beings, everyone is different in their approach to just about anything.
I once had a fairly successful interlude with a young woman who told me up front there would be no actual intercourse. She was of the Bill Clinton school of sexual definition in that oral sex was not really sex. We never had actual intercourse but OMG it really didn’t matter, that girl had some serious skills. It was one of the few times in my life where I was totally satisfied with a developing relationship and was really disappointed when her flight was called and she flew away. I guess that’s why to this day I love airports and flight attendants but hate flying. Ahhhh good memories.
I was watching a TV show a while back and heard the term "King of Foreplay" used during a conversation about relationships. I’m certainly not claiming that title but I’ve studied as hard as I could over the years and I’m close to reaching that goal. If I could live at least seventy-five more years I might just make it. There are no hard and fast rules on foreplay because what works for one women doesn’t work for the next. It can be very difficult and time consuming for the inexperienced man to figure these things out.
After cruising around the net I found this list of foreplay tips on how to be a better lover. I’ll make a short comment on each since I’ve probably tried them all at one time or another. As with everything, some worked and some didn’t. See what you think. For you inexperienced young guys out there pay attention and learn from your elders.
Masturbate for your partner – Didn’t Work
Masturbate each other – Worked
Masturbate your partner – Worked
Suck nipples – Worked
Role-Play – Didn’t Work
Whole body massage – Worked
Give a lap dance or strip tease – Never as Foreplay
Shower together – Never as Foreplay
Tie one of you up – Really Worked
Oral Sex – Really Worked
Tickle – Never Tried
Nibble earlobes – Worked
Spank playfully – Really Worked
Talk dirty to each other – Worked
Blindfold one of you – Really Worked
Used sex toys – Really Worked
Shave each other’s private areas – Worked
Suck fingertips – Worked
Watch a porno – Never as Foreplay
Play an Adult Sex Game – Never Tried
Drip hot wax on your lover – Really worked
Body paint each other – Never as Foreplay
Hopefully the woman your trying to seduce doesn’t require any more than two or three of them. My advice is to become proficient in them all and begin your life-long search for that "King of Foreplay" title.
We all know who Dr. Ruth is I think. She’s the four and a half foot tall sex expert who has the answers to every sex question. Here are a few tips from her for those men who are having difficulties.
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Check it out. If anything "down there" hurts or isn’t working the way you think it should, don’t wonder about it — see a doctor. For him, difficulty maintaining an erection and, for her, pain during intercourse always requires a medical evaluation.
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Don’t zone out. Many couples are embarrassed to ask their partner to stimulate erogenous zones that are very pleasurable but can be considered taboo. The nipples, the anus, the back of the neck — all have nerve endings. So don’t be shy. The only shame when it comes to foreplay is a missed opportunity for pleasure.
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Stay the course. There is a moment before orgasm when many women give up, thinking nothing will happen. It’s a self-sabotaging mistake. Stay with the stimulation and the orgasm will come.
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There is not an exact science to foreplay. You and your partner(s) should understand what you need and want from each other. While we speak about foreplay techniques we must regard before anything else that every human being is distinctive and diverse from each person else and the above-mentioned foreplay techniques have a different impact from one person to another. Accustom yourself to the occasion.
Isn’t Dr. Ruth just terrific. I’ve always wondered if growing up at “zipper height” caused her to pursue sex as her life’s work. Just a thought.
Research indicates more than 85% of ladies reached more intense orgasms when their partners spent more than 10 minutes on foreplay. So boys, increase your number of foreplay techniques and become more sexually adventurous. It’s worth every second for you to bone up (pun intended) on your skills. They’ll serve you well for many decades to come (again pun intended).
For most of my working life I’ve had the misfortune to work with hundreds of attorneys. Some great, some good, some average, some incompetent, and some just plain stupid. As the overall number of attorney’s increases the likelihood of hiring an incompetent or dumb attorney increases as well. My job working in state government for seven years placed me in an uncomfortable position directly between the accused defendants and a small army of public defenders. Talk about a rock and a hard place! A thankless job to be sure but OMG did I get an education. I think I actually learned more from the criminals than from their representatives.
I also was exposed to hundreds of witnesses whose sole purpose was either to help free an accused or to put him/her away for as long as possible. The only common denominator I found throughout the judicial and correctional systems was a massive amount of DUMB. These following quotes are actual statements between attorneys and people called to the witness stand in a plethora of criminal matters. Enjoy them and be glad they aren’t representing you.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No
Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 15.
Attorney:. What year?
Witness: Every year.
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Attorney: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a disposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Believe me when I tell you that these are just the tip of the “stupid” iceberg when it comes to the criminal justice system. It’s no joke when someone tells you that the term “Criminal Justice System” is the ultimate oxymoron. It is scary stupid every minute of every day especially when you spend two days a week inside a jail. I spent during my time with the State Judicial Branch close to seven hundred days inside jails interviewing prisoners and watching the system at work. Every time I walked from a jail at the end of the day I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked God I was not incarcerated and needed no help from an attorney. DUMB AND DUMBER!
I love letters from kids regardless of the situation. They have an honesty that’s refreshing to say the least. As I recently cruised the web I discovered a web site that posted sample letters for adults to send to their kids at camp. I would hope that most parents just might be offended by the assumption that they’re too stupid to write a proper letter to their child. I ‘m also certain that if the kids received these cookie-cutter letters they would know just exactly what they were. They’re way more aware of things these days than we were.
No matter what parents say, they actually do miss their children when they’re attending summer camp. I would think that writing that first letter to your child after they’ve been away from home for a period of time would be tough. Not the letter itself but all the worrying you’ll do when your child has been out of touch for a few days or weeks. I certainly wouldn’t need assistance from some web site to communicate with my kid. Here are a few of the samples provided to assist any lazy parents in writing a freaking letter. They’ve even broken it down by age and sex of the child but for my purposes these two should be sufficient to make my point.
For a 10 Year Old Boy
Dear Xavier,
I miss you! I have been thinking about you a lot and all of the fun camp activities you’re involved in. Have you tried any new sports? When I went to summer camp, my favorite sport was "Monkey Soccer". Ask me about it when you get home.
I hope the food is okay. What is the favorite thing you’ve eaten so far? Have you done any funny camp skits? Or seen any funny camp pranks?
I hope you are having lots of fun. If you are having a hard day, please hang in there. Scruffy misses you too. I know he will want you to play fetch when you get home. We had some rain yesterday and he enjoyed getting muddy.
I love you bunches! See you in a few days!
Love,
Mom
For a 10 Year Old Girl
Dear Michelle,
How is camp? Have you made any neat crafts? Did you like horseback riding? I hope you are enjoying the activities!
I miss you lots! Be sure to take several photos so I can see what you did at camp. We can make a scrapbook together after you get home.
Have you played any fun games? I remember when I went to camp, my favorite was "Capture the Flag." I liked playing it with water balloons the best.
Fluffy missed you too. She slept on your bed last night, I think she will be happy when you come home.
I love you to the moon and back! See you next week!
Love,
Mom
I could show you many more examples but they just seem kind of lame to me. I remember attending camp as a kid and I wasn’t all that interested in receiving or sending letters anyway. I was having a great time and couldn’t be bothered. I assume that’s the case with most kids.
Just to give you a giggle or two here are some quotes from actual camp letters from kids to their parents. There are plenty available for viewing on the web and easy to find if your interested. Many books have also been written and are available from many Web book sellers. They are just too damned cute. Spelling and grammatical errors are included for your amusement.
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“Hey Mom! I’m having so much fun!! …I miss u! But this is so much better than u yelling at me, Joey and dad! (no offense)..love, Googie.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, Our cabin is so dirty and unclean that this bacterial disease called Empitiga so far 4 people in our cabin have it under their armpits. I have it all over my face…”
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“A ginormous tree hit our cabin and knoked it down! When I was in it! No one got hurt, though. It was so scary! When the roof fell off our cabin everyone got soaked!… Love, Juliet. P.s. please do not be alarmed.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, I love everything about this camp except the campers. Love, Sarina”
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“…they made me clean the table. I want to go home!…I stopped crying…But we have chores today. I am the Scraper, Sweeper and Maid.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, This is not a camp from my dreams, it’s the 100th level of hell. I hate this stupid camp. I am getting out of here. Write me. I NEED MORE STAMPS. Save me!!! I am out of stamps.”
Camp is just another phase we’re forced to endure on our way to adulthood. I must say that the camping trips I took during my dating years were way better than summer camp. By then I was a little smarter about girls which made my continuing education much more interesting.
As I mentioned in my posting yesterday I have difficulty deciding just how to celebrate this country’s Independence Day. I could put up lots of pretty pictures of the flag and red, white, and blue things everywhere but for me that’s not what it’s all about. Any holiday we celebrate about this country should be about one thing and one thing only. Those servicemen and women who are in harms way and away from their loved ones for months and sometimes years. As far as I’m concerned they and the others before them are the reason this country is still around to celebrate it’s independence.
My first collection of letters were written by fourth grade school children as a school project where each child was assigned a soldier to write to. Many of the soldiers are actual relatives and friends of the students. Here they are as written.
Dear Uncle Mike,
I hope you’re thinking of your family. Shawn, Scotty, Brand and me and your two sisters and your mother all miss you. We all want you to come home safe from Iraq and we wish you good luck.
Your nephew John and the other three
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Dear Mike Mader,
How is it there? Its finally spring. We had some nice weather. So how are you doing ? Do you like it down there? I’ve been thinking about you. So what’s your job? I am going to my friend Chelsea’s house tomorrow. I am doing spring cleaning with my friend Kayla. We’re going to listen to music. Do you miss your family?
Sincerely, Ashley
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Dear Eric Olson,
I hope you know how Garth is. If you don’t he is fine. Evan is fine too. Your entire family misses you very much. my family hopes you come home safely.!
Sincerely, Shawnee
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Dear Jeremy Nuggent,
I hope you are safe in Iraq. My name is Cory. I am 9 years old and my birthday is February 9th 1994. When is your birthday? By the way I have a 14 year old brother named Dan, two sisters, Angie and April. Angie is 21 and April is 24. I have a dad named Tom and a mom named Debra. I have a dog named Stormy because we got him in the ‘ 98 ice – storm. He is a golden retriever. He can do tricks like shake and roll – over. Do you have a dog? If so what kind of breed is it? Like I said before I hope you stay safe in Iraq.
Sincerely, Cory
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Dear Jim Law,
I hope you have not forgot about me. Everything is fine here. How are you? Is it a cool experience going to a different country? By the way I saw your son a couple days ago he was riding his bike. If you get the chance write back. Bye.
Your friend Ray
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Dear Uncle Jimmy,
Guess what, I graduated from school!
April fools, did I get you?
The snow is mostly gone and you can see the grass. Easter’s coming soon. Are you going to be here? Write me any time you can because I know how busy you are, and I’m hoping you and all the solders come home safely.
Love Kassandra
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Dear Joe Fisher,
I been thinking about you. What do you do at Iraq? Can you tell me please. I really really really miss you? Please remember me! I hope you have a good Easter. I hope you hear from your family on Easter.
Sincerely, Katlyne C.
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Dear Mike Mader,
I really wanted to write to you sooner, but I couldn’t because I was too busy with work and homework and the E.L.A.s. Well, what is it like down there? Is it hot or cold? Well, got to go. Just writing to say hi and hear how you’re doing. Bye.
Sincerely, Jazzmyn T.
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Dear Uncle Jimmy,
I hope you are keeping yourself safe. And I just want to let you
know that I’m behind you all the way. I love you so much. But no matter what happens, I love you anyway. I’m turning 11 this year on May 9. Hope you have good luck down in Iraq. Don’t tell any of our family members, but you’re the best uncle in the whole world! I hope you have good luck this year and forever. Hope you can write back. Oh, Casey Reardon might ask you my address. You can tell him it. I love yah!
Your niece, Kailyn
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Dear Uncle Mike Canty,
Your three nephews, John, Shawn, and Scott and your family all wish you good luck.
We all miss you.
We all hope you come home safe.
Your nephew, john
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Hi Jim Law,
We are proud of what you are doing for our country. We will miss you. I hope you will remember me. We hope you come back safe.
Your friend, Raymond
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I think letter writing campaigns like this do more for troop moral than many people realize. I know how much it would have helped my morale back in the day. Our next example of that family love and connection is this short poem from one serviceman sent to his young son.
My Little Smart Trooper
by Roger J. Robicheau
From a Military Dad
I’m so proud you’re my little smart trooper
You’re the best there is, you’re just super
How I wish I could stay home with you
I’ll sure miss all the things that we do
You will be in my thought night and day
Be real brave for your soldier away
I’ll ask God to be real close to you
And I want you to pray to Him too
Tell your friends I have gone to defend
So the freedom we have will not end
That’s my job as a soldier you see
I’m so proud I can help us stay free
Now there’s one thing I want you to do
When I come back home to see you
Have a big hug just waiting for me
Cause together again we will be
(Dedicated to Little Davey)
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The following two letters are heartbreaking but need to be read by as many people as possible. These letters were written home by soldiers who were later killed in action. They bring home to me everything we need to know and understand about just how important the work of the military is and what a huge sacrifice they make to allow us to celebrate these holidays.
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Excerpts of letters from Army Capt. Joshua T. Byers, 29, of Anderson, S.C., who was killed on July 23 when a bomb detonated under his vehicle.
Thursday, June 5
Dear Mom and Dad,
A couple of days ago, my squadron commander told me that I would be taking command of Fox Troop in June, after all. . . . SWEET! I left my conversation with him walking on air! Not only will I soon be a cavalry troop commander (the most lethal combination of fire power that a captain can be in command of, in any service), BUT I will have the opportunity and the incredible responsibility of commanding in combat. I have to admit that I am really nervous and just pray that I am up to the task out here to lead 120 men in combat operations. I will give them everything I have to give — I love them already, just because they’re mine. I pray, with all my heart, that I will be able to take every single one of them home safe when we finish our mission here.
Friday, June 20
It seems like I’ve been here for so much longer than I have. My life away from here seems so far away. In some ways, I don’t think I’ll ever have it back completely. I think war takes certain things from you, or maybe it gives certain things that change your perspective.
I love being in command. It’s so great to lead again. I love taking care of my men and accomplishing our missions together here. I am blessed.
Thursday, July 3
In the past two nights we’ve been attacked each night while on patrol. No casualties for us. . . . I see more bravery in a day here than I had seen in my entire life prior to this.
I’m healthy and doing fine — although I really want to get that redeployment order and come home (as everyone does) — I don’t dwell on it. We are accomplishing our mission here and I think I’ll take a lot of pride in that for the rest of my life. Although the sacrifice is great, the rewards of service are so much greater.
Friday, July 18
Life here continues to be challenging, but we’re all hanging in there. We got a blow to our morale a few days ago when the corps commander visited us (three-star general). He said there was no way we were going home in less than nine to 12 months. Man, that’s going to suck. We’re working on month No. 4 right now and it already seems like we’ve been here forever and a day.
I still love being a commander. I love leading troops and taking care of them. It is a huge responsibility and I feel the weight of it every day. I send the thing I love most out here — my men — into harm’s way every day and every night. I just do my best to ensure they’re ready, trained, equipped and properly led in every situation.
Monday, July 21
We conducted a huge operation in the desert about a week ago. We had intel that suggested that the bad guys were hiding weapons and ammo out in the desert and bringing it into the city to attack us. We swept all of the desert north of us and found lots of weapons/ ammo. . . . Two of the targets that we captured turned out to be first cousins of Saddam Hussein.
I love you both with all of my heart! I’m working very hard here — adding honor to our country and to our family name!
Love,
Josh
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Excerpt of an e-mail message to his wife, Theresa, from Army Master Sgt. Kevin N. Morehead, 33, of Little Rock, Ark., who was killed Sept. 12 during a raid on enemy forces. The message was sent July 7.
Hey Baby,
I do enjoy planning for the future. It gives me a lot of hope to be able to plan for our success. Sometimes I think that maybe I wouldn’t come up with these plans if I wasn’t deployed. Being here focuses my attention on home and I have time to come up with lots of avenues for us. It has been one blessing for me being here. I think if we can get the things done that I have come up with we will be able to have a prosperous life ahead of us. I don’t want you to worry about how we are going to make it after I get out. . . . I want us to be able to enjoy our life and do things that we want to do.
I think after we get these bills settled and get on track this winter with the property and the house, next spring I am going to get us another boat. We had a lot of fun when we had a boat. I remember when me, you and Jesse used to go to the lake and camping. Those were really fun times. I would eventually like to get a camper or an R.V., too. . . . I know how you like to have a nice place to stay. If we got a nice camper, then it would almost be like staying in a hotel room with A.C. and a private shower and a queen size bed.
I love you very much. I can’t wait to get on with our lives. I really look forward to our future together.
Kevin
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So thanks to these two men and all of the other men and women currently serving around the world. I hope they all are able to properly celebrate this holiday and eventually return home safely. Without their service and sacrifice we would have no country to celebrate.
I spend a great deal of my time these days adapting to a whole list of changes to my life I never anticipated or expected. I thought that as I grew older things would settle down somewhat and the amount of change I’d be forced to deal with would lessen. Wrong once again.
One obvious change that occurs to us all eventually is getting older. Adjusting to it sounds easy but as all of you will find out eventually, it isn’t. You must learn to adapt to your new position in society of being the older person, constantly accused by almost everyone with being out of touch with our current reality. Even people you know and love begin treating you differently and it can be hurtful.
Everyone assumes that once you reach a certain age you’re all of a sudden a mouth-breathing moron with no working memory. Snide little comments from loved ones are especially hurtful but you must learn to adapt. Some seniors become bitter and spiteful only because they can’t think of any better solutions. Those kind of actions just further that ugly senior stereotype that require the infamous eye-roll or the subtle shoulder shrug between people you’re talking to when you’re not looking. It’s disrespectful and rude but your hands are tied. If you confront them then your being old, difficult, and set in your ways. If you turn the other cheek it just makes the possibility of it occurring again much more likely.
So here’s a few tips for you seniors out there. Keep up with all of the Pop Culture nonsense so when someone in their teens or twenties mentions a celebrity you have a clue. Be able to talk about something other than your current medical conditions. Fight the stereotype everyday. If you take a backseat to discussions that make you uncomfortable that’s where you’ll be relegated to stay for the rest of your life.
Our past memories really don’t interest most people because "it’s all about them”. Only people your own age can appreciate many of the things from our youth and the drastic differences we now must deal with. It’s hard work to keep up with this balls-to-the-wall insanity we call our every day life. Spend time with people other than other seniors. Carry on meaningful conversations about politics, relationships, and child rearing. Not everything we remember is just old-folks reminiscing. We’ve already experienced this stull and can be helpful if we pass the information along intelligently and not preaching. No one likes to be preached to.
The following information should make most seniors smile. If read by anyone younger it would seem to them like they’ve been foraging through an archeological dig in Egypt and found a transcript of life in the days of old. Read on and learn something if you’re interested, if not don’t.
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HIGH SCHOOL — 1958 vs. 2013
Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1958 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2013 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1958 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2013 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They’re both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1958 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2013 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2013 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2013 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1958 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2013 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1958 – Ants die.
2013 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2013 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Is it any wonder why we at times choose to look back. This is the reason we occasionally reminisce and really, do you blame us. If I could go back and do my life over again I sure wouldn’t do it now, in this time and place. Just saying.
I’m about a month away from completing my fifth year of retirement. I think a celebration of sorts is called for because this has been one of the most difficult transitions I’ve ever had to make.
I’ve always been someone who readily adapted to change. I’ve lived in many places over the years as required by my jobs and I worked my way up the corporate ladder twice with two different national companies. I had hopes of a great retirement and pension but unfortunately both companies were purchased by other companies and neither survived that purchase. You adjust because you must. When there is no choice at all you pick yourself up and get back to work.
Fortunately that was one of the things my father made sure I had. I had no fear of hard work and I also had a killer work ethic. I worked my ass off for thirty years, 6 days a week, tons of travel, and change, change, change. I started three business over the years and had reasonable successes with two and failed miserably in the third. Shut up, get up, and keep on keeping on.
Making the change to early retirement was something I never thought I would get to do. I’d already excepted the fact that I’d be working until they found me slumped at my desk or in my car. As in all things timing is everything. After the failure of my two most important employers I took a public service position with the State of Maine. My fear of having another company hire me and then fail had sent me there. Whoever heard of a State going bankrupt?
The State of Maine surprised me a little. They didn’t go bankrupt but they did call me in to tell me my work load was going to increase by 30% without a comparable wage increase. I received a confidential call a short time later from a friend in the state capital who told me my position was on the chopping within two months. I had no choice and was lucky enough to be able take early retirement before the axe fell. Hooray for me right?
Making the transition from workaholic to retiree was the worst. I made the change immediately by giving Goodwill all of my suits, shirts, ties, and dress shoes. I threw away my wrist watch because it was no longer something I needed. It took at least eighteen months to find a comfortable rhythm for my life and to end the depression I was suffering with.
I hate making this sound like a sad story because it isn’t. I’m retired for God’s sake. How can I possibly be whining? I found these quotes recently that just made me laugh not because they’re all that funny but because they’re all so true. My sense of humor has gotten through a lot of change and it’s things like these quotes that really help.
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The money is no better in retirement but the hours are! — Author Unknown
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"According to your latest data if you retire today, you can live reasonably well until 5 p.m. tomorrow."— Dave Erhard
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My retirement plan is to find a shopping cart with good snow tires.
— Patty Doyle
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‘The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.’ Anonymous
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‘When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.’ R C Sherriff.
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‘It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.’ Scott Elledge.
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‘There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!’ Groucho Marx
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Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did – Malcolm Forbes
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Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did – Robert Benchley
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What do gardeners do when they retire? – Bob Monkhouse
I love being retired. It gives a lot of freedom to do all those things I said I was going to do but never did. I spend most of my time concerned with the care and feeding of my better-half who is still caught up in the rat race. I try to be her stress reliever and to keep her as happy as I can. I may bitch and complain about a lot of things but my life is good. I’m what my Dad used to describe as, “fat (not too much), dumb, and happy”.
Today I intended to further explore the use of the English language where names are concerned by talking about nicknames we humans insist on giving to our private parts. The list of nicknames is endless but the main body parts targeted normally for nicknames are the vagina, penis, and occasionally the breasts. As a kid (age 7-11) and before my sex life truly existed my friends and I had already named our penises. I have no idea why we did but it could have been as simple a reason as "because it was there". Our fascination with our penises was intense at that age because if you must know it was the center of our young universe. Unfortunately it still is.
Our little group of five perverts constantly discussed those things that were most important to us; our penises, girls, and that greatest mystery of all, sexual intercourse. We almost declared a national holiday when our buddy Frank reported at one of our private meetings in our secret hidden club house that he had what we later found out was his first orgasm. He explained in great detail just what he’d done and how it felt. We were all astounded by his description of the feelings he had but were somewhat confused by his report that nothing came out of his penis when he came. We’d been told by the experts (our older friends) that there would be sperm. That discussion went on for another six months as were tried to figure out what Frank had done wrong.
Eventually we were called to an emergency meeting at the clubhouse when Frank finally reported that some “white stuff” had finally appeared after he masturbated. We did everything but declare him king of the effing world. We put him through the third degree until we were all satisfied he was giving us the absolute truth.
You should also know that during the next few months we were all diligently practicing in the privacy of our homes trying to duplicate what Frank was reporting. Shortly after his report on the "white stuff" we as a group demanded he show us specifically how he did it. We retired to his house and the five of us squeezed into his little bathroom where he began his demonstration. He used a little soap on his hands and began to furiously masturbate. He kept saying he was almost there as we waited patiently. The mood was immediately broken when his mother threw the door open and caught him in the act and all of us watching. Many of you can talk about your most awkward moments but this one was by far my worst. My second worst moment was when I got home to find out that Frank’s mom had ratted us all out. My mother was not happy.
Frank practically tore his penis off trying to put it away. His poor mother was probably never quite the same again either. Needless to say it took years before any of us could look her in the eye without turning a bright crimson. We all learned two valuable lessons that fateful day. One, soap is our friend and two, lock the freaking door.
We learned never to do anymore sexual exploring at anyone’s home. We confined our discussions and demonstrations to our club house where all of the best reading material (skin mags) was available for our use. Later on as we grew more curious we invited one or two of the neighborhood girls to the club house for a few games of "show and tell". There was no sexual activity just a very clinical study of their genitals and their study of ours. It was around that time that my penis received his first nickname, I called him "Charlie".
I have to admit that years later after my sex life had been firmly established Charlie’s nicknames became much more interesting. Charlie became confused at times because he was forced to suffer through a long list of really tacky names that he really didn’t care for. I never told any of my female sex partners that all of those silly name they insisted on calling him meant nothing to him or to me. His real name was and always will be Charlie and all the sexual attention in the world from them and their vaginas could never change that.
I was thinking about listing a number of the more common genital nicknames in this posting but I thought this story would be more poignant and informative than a cold and unemotional list. Besides you men out there already know the most common nicknames currently in use. Unfortunately you women out there only think you know your man’s actual name for his penis.
