Archive for the ‘Looking Back’ Category
Yesterday I was a little bored which might explain why I was visiting Craig’s List. I’m not a huge fan of the site because getting up close and personal with anonymous crazies is not my thing. The history of Craig’s List and it’s problems are well known and need no further explanations from me. I do enjoy reading many of their ads which can be both unusual and occasionally funny.
Funny ads are nothing new. Over the years I’ve been drawn to newspapers and magazine ad sections to get a laugh or two. The Penny Saver newspapers and their ilk are by far the best. The following collection includes a few of those types of ads that made me “laugh out loud” when I read them. It amazes me how the ad writers can inject such humor into their ads and most times don’t even realize it.
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FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB —
$850/best offer
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS FOR SALE.
NEVER BRED CALVES.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES
GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE A REWARD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300.
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS, FOR SALE BY OWNER
COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. 45 VOLUMES. EXCELLENT CONDITION. $1,000.00 NEGOTIABLE. NO LONGER NEEDED. RECENTLY MARRIED; WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING
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Why is it that spontaneous and unplanned humor like these ads can be funnier that a lot of the professionally constructed jokes we hear every day. I find this stuff hilarious and there seems to be an endless supply.
The Winter season is upon us in everyway except for the snow which will arrive when it’s most inconvenient as always. Everyone has been slowly abandoning their summer-wear and easing into that ever so attractive triple layered ensemble of t-shirts, sweaters, sweat shirts, gloves, hats, and parkas. People watching takes an ugly turn every year at this time and I’ll sure miss the bikinis, thongs, short skirts, and beautiful tans. It’s the worst part of winter for me.
It gets so bad at times that after a few months, usually in February, you might find yourself making a early trip to the local mall to have a coffee and watch the ever increasing numbers of people doing their morning walk. There’s nothing more sad than making an early morning visit to a semi-deserted mall just to watch other idiots trying to make some human contact and to get the hell out of the house for an hour or so.
I’m a little jealous of those folks who can’t wait for the snow to arrive so they have a place to play. I’m way too clumsy to be a snow bunny. As a kid I managed to injure myself on a regular basis during every Winter season without even trying too hard. Skiing was always good for a twisted knee or an up close and personal relationship with the occasional tree or shrub. Once or twice I was actually able to ski down a hill, knocking over other skiers along the way, and then ending up in a creek with thin ice and really cold water. We skated on a remote pond for years and without fail I always managed to fall through the ice on a few occasions.
After decades of minor injuries from walking on snow and ice I gave up. No skiing, no skating, and definitely no snowmobiling. When my friends in Maine discovered my failures as a snow bunny they began to give me odd looks and began whispering behind my back. This was the motivation I needed to get serious about resolving my winter issues. After many years I’ve discovered the only winter activity I’m good at.
As you are certainly aware every ski lodge has things in common with the others. There’s always a chair lift, snow, a big mountain, and a lodge. My winter activities this year will be centered primarily around the lodge and it’s varied selection of things to do. There are lovely rooms to sleep and play in. There are hot tubs, Jacuzzis, and untold numbers of young and attractive individuals to meet and interact with. My favorite thing in every lodge is that comfortable bar stool that sits at the end of the bar near the huge picture window. There I can sit, drink, eat, meet, and greet everyone. The only possible injuries I might suffer would be from an accidental fall from the bar stool which would only involve a spilled drink and possibly a small bruise on my buttocks. The other and more dangerous injury would be from one of the many skiers I see flying down the mountain just outside my window. If by chance one of them loses control and crashes through the window, I could be seriously injured. If I stay alert I should be fine but you never know. It also requires that I surround myself with a bevy of alcohol drinking buxom women to help break my fall if the worst happens. As always my approach to everything Winter is SAFETY FIRST.
Hopefully this winter I’ll remain uninjured for another year. Along the way I intend to stay as warm and cozy as possible with all of my new female lodge buddies. I promise to do my part when it comes time to do a Jell-O shot or two off the stomach of an enthusiastic female volunteer.
SKIING RULES
I guess it’s time for another trivia challenge for all of you trivia maniacs out there. Today’s 10 questions should be categorized as miscellaneous. They are a mixed bag of facts that might just interest you a little. I took this quiz myself as I put it together but I’m not admitting how badly I did. Let’s just say I scored higher than one and less than four. I’m so ashamed.
As always the correct answers will be posted tomorrow. If you score anything higher than a four your doing really well and should be proud. Good luck!
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1. What was the original name of the Girl Scouts?
2. In 1937, sewing machine heiress Daisy singer Alexander put her will in a model and tossed it into the Thames River near London. Where and when did it wash up?
3. What day is the middle day of the year in a non-leap year?
4. For what magazine did Hugh Hefner serve as circulation manager while he was raising money to launch Playboy?
5. What did Lizzie Borden, Napoleon, and Titian have in common?
6. By what name was Nobel Peace Prize winner Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu better known?
7. What do the letters stand for in the acronym CARE, the name of the relief organization established in 1945?
8. What is the telephone area code for a cruise ship in the Atlantic Ocean?
9. What unusual twosome spoke at ventriloquist Edgar Bergen’s funeral in 1979?
10. Why is the phrase "the quick brown fox jumps over lazy dog" used to check typewriters?
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There you have it. Now before I finish this posting I’ll throw in another filthy yet funny limerick. You can never ever have enough limericks, dirty or otherwise. If you’re offended by this off-color humor, too bad.
There once was a woman named Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil.
For most of my life I’ve had older people telling me things that I had a hard time believing. Growing up in western Pennsylvania put me in contact with many people with their genealogical roots in eastern Europe. I wasn’t more than seven or eight when a elderly neighbor lady who spoke broken English told me to wear cloves of garlic around my neck to ward off evil spirits. It wasn’t until many years later that I discovered she was an immigrant from Romania where they have a history of evil beings and Vlad the Impaler.
Old wives tales are present in every society it seems and have been passed down through the generations as being the gospel truth. When I lived in Korea I found out the best way to insure a safe pregnancy was to hang a strand of charcoal pieces over the doorway to your home. I thought it was nonsense but after a group of elderly Korean ladies threatened me with bodily harm, I just smiled and got out of their way. They put the charcoal in place and there was once again peace in the valley.
Here’s an interesting collection of “Old Wives Tales” for you women out there. I can’t verify that they’re true or that they actually work but I can guarantee that somewhere out there are a few Old Wives who believe it.
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If you happen to step on a man’s toes, whether dancing or in a crowd, it is the man you’ll marry. So the next time you step on a man’s toes, take a real good look at him, you just might be looking The One.
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Eve didn’t have any choice as to who she gave the apple to. But before you give your apple away, try this. Cut it in half and put all the seeds in a pan on the stove. Name each seed after a man you know. Then quickly heat the pan. The first seed to pop will reveal the name of the man for you.
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A woman who puts on a bridal veil and holds orange blossoms on any occasion, but not her own wedding, will never marry.
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If you are young woman make a pie. While trimming the pie crust, if it falls over your hand, that is a sign you will marry young.
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If a woman braids her hair and leaves out a strand, it is a sign she will marry within the year.
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If there are many men in your life and you wonder which one you’ll marry, take 12 slips of paper and write on each slip the name of one of the men. Place the 12 slips into an envelope and sleep with it under your pillow. Each morning draw one slip from the envelope at random. Rip it up and toss it away. The last slip of paper in the envelope is the name of the man you will marry.
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If you have a man in your life and you want him to remain interested in you and to pop the big question, never let him carry your comb in his pocket.
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A woman who makes a good looking bed will have a good looking husband. And a woman who has an unkempt bed will have someone else’s husband.
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If you haven’t met Mr. Right yet, but want to see his face, follow these steps. Find a well. Make sure it’s not covered so that you can actually look down into it and see the water. On the night of the full moon, toss a penny into the well. The face you see at the bottom of the well is the man you’ll marry.
Unfortunately ladies most of you will one day be an Old Wife. I’m supplying you with these tales so you’ll have something to pass along to your daughters. It’s your motherly responsibility to keep this tradition alive. Every generation has the right to hear this nonsense and then to pass it along to their daughters. It keeps life interesting.
I’m sleeping in a little today after the festivities of last night when our favorite and only grandson celebrated his first birthday. It wasn’t a huge party just a small group of family members to take a lot of photographs, eat some cake, and watch our newest member take his first steps into the world.
I haven’t had the pleasure of attending birthday parties such as this for a very long time. As I recall the last time was decades ago when my niece and nephew were new to the world. Since his mother is a believer in traditional values the party was just as you might expect. The star of the night was in fine form and hamming it up with everyone as soon as they arrived. He was all smiles and attitude and I felt like he knew it was a special occasion of some sort but wasn’t quite sure what it was. He knew he was receiving a lot of extra attention and really enjoyed himself.
Both of his grandmothers were there to coo over him as they’re supposed to do and he ate it up as usual. All of the family pets were involved (2 dogs and 2 cats) and were running around, having a great time, and enjoying the excitement like everyone else.
Then it was time for gifts as we sat around and watched him unwrap a gift, play with it for a moment, and then go for the wrapping paper. He enjoyed the stupid paper as much as the gifts. He was quite taken by a huge bag of foam blocks that he immediately dove into and began to play with. He’s either going to be some sort of engineer or possibly a Lego salesman. We’ll just have to wait and see.
The highlight of the night for me was the cake presentation. His Mom baked him a small green cake that he was expected to demolish and OMG did he ever. In one short minute the cake was man-handled, smashed, and smeared over anyone daring to get too close. Once he realized he could destroy it, he did so. His face, hands, arms, eyes, were covered as he shoveled it into his mouth with both hands. He was also nice enough to feed a good portion to the two dogs who were hovering around waiting for some. He was a real mess and I’ve saved plenty of photo’s to prove it. I’m looking forward to the day a few years down the road when I can show them to him.
He finally was dumped unceremoniously into the bathtub and scrubbed clean by an assortment of volunteers. He was dressed in his new fancy PJ’s and settled in for his final bottle of milk for the day. All in all quite a successful first birthday party. I hope the rest of them as just as festive and filled with people who love him.
What more can a person ask.
I’ve always been intrigued by strange and unusual facts, synchronicity, and coincidences. Common sense tells me that they’re just random happenstances that mean nothing and have not been caused by anything paranormal or magical. If you research as many of them as I have it can easily seem that something unearthly is causing the occurrences.
I’ve collected reference material from wherever I could find it and I’m still occasionally stunned and amazed by what I’ve found. Let me pass on to you a few facts that are true and bizarre. Feel free to make your own decision as to what causes things like this to happen. I certainly have no answers. Maybe it’s just luck, if you believe in that.
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Angel Santana, of New York City, escaped unharmed when a robber’s bullet bounced off his pants zipper.
In 1942, Lieut. I. M. Chisov, a Russian pilot, fell 21,980 feet from his fighter plane and survived (his chute failed to open).
Sgt. Joseph Charles was in a fox hole in New Guinea during World War II when the mail boys called him to come out for a letter from home. He crawled out approximately 10 feet when a Japanese plane flew over and dropped a bomb that completely destroyed the foxhole he’d just left.
Lieut. Cmdr. Robert W. Goehring was swept off the Coast Guard cutter U.S.S. Duane by a gigantic wave during a storm. The ship then turned around to rescue him, when suddenly another huge wave tossed him back on board to safety.
An ambulance in Nykroppa, Sweden, sent to pick up Lars Elam, a patient with a high fever, returned to the hospital with the patient driving it and the regular driver lying dead in the back from a heart attack.
Actor Sean Connery, who played the film character James Bond was once stopped for a traffic offense by a policeman named Sgt. James Bond.
Two automobiles that collided in Ajax, Ontario, on a slippery winter day were owned by motorists named Snow and Blizzard.
A bottle of prescription pills was swept out of the bedroom of Mrs. Lena McCovey when a flood destroyed her home on the Klamath River. It was found 200 miles away at Coos Bay, Oregon, by Mrs. McCovey’s sister.
Abraham Lincoln was the second member of his family to die by an assassin’s bullet. The other was his grandfather. Both victims were named Abraham, both had wives named Mary, and both had a son named Thomas. The name Abraham has never again been given to any member of the family.
In Bermuda, brothers Erskin L. Ebbin and Neville Ebbin both died one year apart after being struck by the same taxi, driven by the same driver, and carrying the same passenger.
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What do you think now? As I read through these kinds of facts there are just times when I can’t wrap my head around what I’m reading. Does it mean I believe there’s more at work here than meets the eye? There are times when I do think that but then the cynic and pragmatic part of me began screaming, “Are you effing crazy?”. Maybe I am.
How often do you stop and think about when you were a kid? Does it make you sometimes wish you could be that kid again? Good questions and I’m sure I know the answers. Of course we’ve all taken that trip back to a simpler way of life where there was little or no stress and no overwhelming problems. Our biggest worries then were who to play with and for how long.
Art Linkletter made a fortune with “Kids Say the Darndest Things” because kids really do say the darndest things. They blurt out the truth without thinking about consequences or hurt feelings. Sometimes they’re blunt, sometimes cute, and always funny. I’ve collected the following blurbs during my travels on the Net to help make my point even more interesting.
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While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that’s right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?
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A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I’m just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!"
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It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What’d he do?"
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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Soonnn. …..and into the hole he gooooes."
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I can’t get enough of these types of stories. There’s nothing better for me than to have the time to sit with a youngster and just have a normal conversation about anything. The way their mind works and how they express their ideas and observations is the absolute best.
We are a week or two away from celebrating our grandson’s first birthday and this week he began walking for the first time. I’m glad about that but he won’t be a real person to me until I can hear him speak his mind. He’ll probably be speaking within a few months and I can’t wait to hear what he has to say. As I watch him now as he observes the world around him, I can almost see him thinking. After more than a year of observing all of us he’s sure to have plenty of questions and opinions. I can’t wait to hear them.
How do you classify yourself? Many people identify themselves as being a “Child of the 60’s” of a “Child of the 70’s” or whatever. I’ve never actually figured out what I am. My childhood years were in the 50’s but I’ve always felt like a “Child of the 60’s” but also at times like a “Child of the 70’s”. I guess I’m more than a little conflicted. I enjoyed each of those decades to their fullest and each means as much to me as the others. That being said I can state emphatically that I’m not a child of the 80’s, 90’s, or God forbid the twenty-first century. Those born and raised during those years have my sincerest sympathies.
I realize that many of the readers of this blog identify with those years but do they really. Let’s take this short quiz to help answer at least one question, are you really a “Child of the 80’s” or not?
Take a look at this list. If you can identify with more than half of them, you are a child of the 80’s.
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You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
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You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".
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You were only cool if you hung out at the Roller Rink and actually knew how to skate.
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You can sing the McDonald’s Big Mack Filet-o-Fish, quarter pounder, French Fry song while jump roping.
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You wore 3-8 different colored socks in layers and thought that the more you could wear the cooler you were.
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You know who Mr. T is.
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You actually believed for a minute that K.I.T. (The night rider) actually was real.
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You know who Fat Albert is.
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You wore fluorescent, neon clothing.
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You could break dance, or wish you could.
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You wanted to be The Incredible Hulk for Halloween.
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You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"
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Partying "like it’s 1999" seemed SO far away.
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You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
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You wanted to be on Star Search.
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You can remember Michael Jackson when he was still black.
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You remember the garbage pail kids, and owned some.
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You knew what Willis was "talkin’ ’bout."
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You HAD to have your MTV.
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You always wondered why Tootie always wore those skates.
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You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
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You watched Purple Rain over and over again.
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Your all time favorite movie was Footloose and you actually thought that Kevin Bacon was HOT in it!!!
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You remember the episode of Good Times when Flo broke down after James’ funeral.
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You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
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You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we’d all be living on the moon.
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You remember and/or owned any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut or any other stupid collection they came out with.
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Poltergeist freaked you out.
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You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunch box.
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You have pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
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You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.
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You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
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You had a Swatch Watch with the Swatch Guard.
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You thought UTFOs "Roxanne, Roxanne" song was the bomb!
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You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
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You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.
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You know what a "Push Up" ice cream is.
Well, how did you make out. Are you really a child of the 80’s or not? If you really are then are you willing to admit it in front of your friends? All interesting questions and none of them likely to be answered truthfully. Stand up and be proud of your heritage, no matter how silly and stupid it is. We’ve all had to do that at some point in our lives and it wasn’t easy for us either.
For two years I spent a great deal of time learning the do’s and don’t’s of blogging on my Anti-Stupidity Blog. I was on a continuing rant against stupidity in all of it’s forms. It made some people laugh and others scream at me in not a very nice way. Although I retired that blog in favor of this one, the continuing growth of stupidity still bugs me. There’s just so much of it to identify and talk about, it’s maddening.
Apparently it’s been the subject of discussion by thousands of philosophers, politicians, and so-called intellectuals for hundreds of years. I guess I shouldn’t let my frustrations about it get the best of me but unfortunately they do at times. Let’s let a few of those experts spit out some of their own truths about stupidity.
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"Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity."
-Anonymous
"Unless one pretends to be stupid and deaf, it is difficult to be a mother-in-law or father-in-law."
-Chinese proverb
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former."
-Albert Einstein
"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education."
-Bertrand Russell
"Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change."
-Confucius
"A stupid child is ruin to a father, and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain."
-The Bible: Hebrew, Proverbs 19:13
"Stupid is as stupid does."
-Forrest Gump
"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."
-Thomas Szasz
"There is no cure for stupid wives and willful children."
-Chinese proverb
"The only thing that ever consoles man for the stupid things he does is the praise he always gives himself for doing them."
-Oscar Wilde
"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."
-George Bernard Shaw
"Between a fellow who is stupid and honest and one who is smart and crooked, I will take the first. I won’t get much out of him, but with that other guy I can’t keep what I’ve got."
-Gen Lewis B Hershey, Director, Selective Service System
"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a ‘learning experience.’ Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a ‘learning experience.’ It makes me feel less stupid."
-P.J. O’Rourke
"A clever wife often sleeps with a stupid husband."
-Chinese proverb
"Only in Britain could it be thought a defect to be ‘too clever by half.’ The probability is that too many people are too stupid by three-quarters."
-John Major
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Some of these quotes are priceless, some are humorous, but all seem true to me. I also find it amazing just how on target so many of the ancient Chinese proverbs seem to be. I guess they’ve had many more years to suffer from and define the hundreds of stupid idiosyncrasies of the human race. Sometimes that’s not such a good thing.
I found this article a few days ago filled with suggestions and recommendations for women on how to please their man. Of course this was published in a 1955 issue of Housekeeping Monthly and the term "You’ve come a long way baby!" wasn’t yet in everyday use as you can plainly see. Read on ladies so you can see what you’ve been missing. I hope my occasional comments don’t bother you too much. I just could stop myself.
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Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. (I can’t read this without laughing my ass off).
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Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people (Just answer the door naked, same thing).
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Be a little gay (not today’s gay) and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties (this is now considered a bad word) is to provide it.
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Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives (They’re joking, right?).
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Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables (Don’t hold your breath guys).
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Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too (If she believed this she’s crazy). After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction (Not lately).
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Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures (OMG) and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all the noise (No way). At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet (Utter BS).
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Be happy to see him (50% of the time if he’s lucky).
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Listen to him (Not going to happen). You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours (Not for decades).
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Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late (Mistress) or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment (Strip Clubs) without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
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Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit (Ha Ha).
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Don’t greet him with complaints and problems (I’m sure this will happen).
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Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner (Strip Club again) or even if he stays out all night (Mistress again). Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
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Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom (Old wives tale). Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
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Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes (OMFG). Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice (No effing way).
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Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house (In his dreams) and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him (Wanna bet?).
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A good wife always knows her place (Not these days).
Now you guys know why they were called the good old days. But just a reminder, those effing days are gone forever.
