Archive for the ‘Quotations’ Category
It’s another gray and rainy day here in Maine which always gives me a terrible case of the blahs. So, this is the perfect day for me to return to my easel and complete some art projects that I’ve had going on for some weeks now. I can just relax and get into “the zone” while working on these projects which helps me forget what a really crappy day it is. With that thought in mind, I dug into my archives of old limericks for a selection dated in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s. Maybe one or more of them will make you smile a bit, who knows? For the most part they are rated PG.
💥
A virgin emerged from her bath
In a state of righteous wrath,
For she had been deflowered
When she bent as she showered,
And the handle was right in the path.
💥💥
A born again Christian named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with prayer.”
💥💥💥
A penny-less colleague named Cy,
Remark to a lass passing by,
“I’ve never adjusted
To being flat busted.”
Said she, with a sigh, “Nor have I.”
💥💥💥💥
There was a young fellow named Dice
Who remarked, ‘They say bigamy’s nice.
Even two is a bore
I prefer three or four,
For the plural of spouse, it is spice.”
One of my Fav’s.
An organic chemist soon found,
While pushing aminos around,
He’d no sense of smell,
And couldn’t quite tell
His acids from holes in the ground.
🤪🤪🤪
I thought I’d try something a little different today. I usually have lists of trivia facts about all sorts of topics and at times they can be interesting, funny, and every so often downright weird. Today’s trivia is a little more on the darker side but still interesting. Here are ten bits of trivia that’ll make you think and possibly shudder a little.
- Howard Hughes at times wore empty tissue boxes as shoes. He also blew his nose in his socks.
- Napoleon Bonaparte was afraid of cats, but he wasn’t alone: other ailurophobe’s included Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and Julius Caesar.
- Actress Cybill Shepherd dated Elvis Presley in the early 1970s and once hinted on the Oprah Winfrey show that she had to teach the singer how to perform cunnilingus.
- And here are two Osbourne family tidbits. Kelly Osbourne once expressed interest in posing nude for Playboy, but said that her breasts would need “some airbrushing.” Playboy founder Hugh Hefner later replied, “We don’t airbrush to that extent.”
- Sharon Osbourne, wife of the late great Ozzy Osbourne, once admitted to sending her own excrement wrapped in Tiffany boxes to several people who criticized her family. When a journalist criticized her teenage children, Jack and Kelly, Ms. Osborne sent a box of excrement with a note that read, “I heard you got an eating disorder. Eat this.“
- After his death in 1955, Elbert Einstein’s brain was removed and kept in a jar by Thomas Stoltz Harvey, the pathologist who conducted Einstein’s autopsy. Harvey was later fired from his job at Princeton Hospital for refusing to relinquish the organ.
- Once upon a time an Italian stripper suffocated to death after waiting an hour to jump out of a sealed cake at a bachelor party.
- The Cannibal Killer, Dorangel Vargas, The Hannibal Lector of the Andes, told the press that he preferred the taste of men to women, and never ate hands, feet, or testicles. “I have standards, you know”, said Vargas.
- The FBI estimates that more than half a million pedophiles are online every day.
- Television remote controls are the worst carriers of bacteria in hospital rooms; they spread antibiotic resistant Staphylococcus, which contributes to the 90,000 annual deaths from infection acquired in hospitals.
ENJOY YOUR DAY
I’ve spend a great deal of my life investigating matters which required me to become well versed in verbal gymnastics by people who were skilled in the art of lying. I’ve interviewed and interrogated thousands of individuals, suspects, criminals of all types, and just plain evil people. Many were well skilled at lying and confusing the facts and had to be verbally dissected by me to get at the truth. I actually had a company send me to a school in Chicago where I was thoroughly trained to become a human polygraph. Learning body language and advanced interrogation techniques helped me immensely in identifying and dealing with those sneaking folks who used more silent and damaging techniques through the use of rumor and innuendo. I met and was constantly challenged by some truly smart but dishonest and dangerous people. Was I always successful? No! To this day I still look back on some that got away and it still angers me.
Years ago I stumbled upon a book that I later came to cherish. It was written in the 1960’s and was titled The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense compiled by Suzette Haden Elgin. She published an excellent book that organized and defined the subject of verbal abuse. She explained how to identify verbal attacks and how to defend against them. This post will contain a number of quotes from that book that may help us all to better understand the problem and the possible defenses against it.
The Four Basic Principals
Know that you are under attack.
Know what kind of attack you are facing.
Know how to make your defense fit the attack.
Know how to follow through.
There is a well know therapist, Virginia Satir who in her books has developed a set of terms for common verbal behaviors. These five patterns are called the Five Satir Modes and identify the types of people to look out for. It’s much easier to defend yourself if you can identify the type of person who is creating your difficulties.
Five Satir Identifiers
The Placater
The Placater is frightened that other people will become angry, will go away, and never come back.
The Blamer
The Blamer feels that nobody cares about him/her, that there is no respect or affection for him/her and that people are indifferent to his/her needs and feelings.
The Computer
The Computer is analytical. He/she is terrified that someone will find out what his/her feelings really are. If possible the Computer will give the impression that he/she has no feelings whatsoever.
The Distracter
The Distrater is a tricky one to keep up with, because her/she does not hold to any of the other previous patterns. He/she cycles rapidly between modes, with an underlying feeling of panic with surface behavior being a chaotic mix.
The Leveler
The true Leveler does just what the name implies; this person levels with you. A phony Leveler, however, is more dangerous than all the other categories combined, and hard to spot. If you assume you are discussing the genuine article, what the Leveler is actually saying is only what he/she is feeling.
😡😡😡
Needless to say this is just a bare-bones summary of what could always be a difficult and dangerous situation. Maybe it will help.
KNOW YOUR ENEMY
As you can see by the title this post is a Limerick Alert. Sometimes that means bawdy and off-color, and other times lame and just plain entertaining. Something else that we all seem to love are our pets and animals, therefore all of today’s limericks will be “animal” related. Here are four examples that caught my eye and I hope you enjoy them. I’d rate these limericks as “G” so the kids can read them too.
💥
There once was a young lady named Maggie
Whose pet dog was terribly shaggy,
The front end of him
Look quite vicious and grim,
But the tail was always friendly and waggy.
💥💥
The thoughts of a rabbit and sex
Are seldom, if ever, complex.
For a rabbit in need
Is a rabbit indeed,
And does just as one might expect.
💥💥💥
A freshman from down in Laguna
Fell madly in love with a tuna.
The affair, although comic,
Was so economic,
He wished he’d have thought of it soona!
💥💥💥💥
A sightseer from far McAboo,
Observed a strange beast at the Zoo,
When she asked: “Is it old? “
She was smilingly told
It’s not an old beast, but a gnu!.
🤪🤪
And finally a clean favorite for my better-half the gardener:
TIME TO YUCK IT UP
I’ve always enjoyed spicing up my posts with quotes from a variety of people from politicians, writers, and even a few not-brain-dead celebrities. I’ve been quoted a number of times myself primarily by my fellow subordinate associates after reading my comments on their performance reviews. I was always a little too frank in my comments and I may have hurt a few feelings over the years but it was also those same people who quoted me the most. I’ve always enjoyed quotes that were made by people whose ass I wasn’t required to kiss and always found more truth in frank discussions than politically correct nonsense. Here’s a sampling of quotes that were made concerning CRITICS.
- “Insects sting, not from malice but because they want to live. It is the same with critics – they desire our blood, not pain.” Friedrich Nietzsche
- “Don’t pay attention to bad reviews. Today’s newspaper is tomorrow’s toilet paper.” Jack Warner
- “He always praises the first production of each season, being reluctant to stone the first cast.“ Walter Winchell
- “The tongue is the only instrument that gets sharper with use.” Washington Irving
- “Critics are like eunuchs at a gang-bang.” George Burns
- “A good review from the critics is just another stay of execution.” Dustin Hoffman
- “Critics? – I love every bone in their heads.” Eugene O’Neill
- “Time is the only critic without ambition.” John Steinbeck
- “In judging others, folks will work overtime for no pay.” Charles Carruthers
AND last but not least:
- “Critics are a dissembling, dishonest, contemptible race of men. Asking a working writer what he feels about critics is like asking a lamppost what he feels about dogs.” John Osbourne
YOU SUCK! AND YOUR FIRED!
- Abraham Lincoln lost five different elections prior to becoming a United States president.
- There are 13 letters in the Hawaiian alphabet.
- The only word that begins and ends with the letters “und” is the word underground.
- Due to contrasting gravity, a person normally weighing 200 pounds on earth will weigh just 76 pounds on Mars.
- Recycling one glass jar will save enough energy for three hours of television.
- A tsunami can move at the same speed as a jet plane.
- You could fit almost 900,000,000,000,000 footballs into the Grand Canyon.
- Rio de Janeiro means River of January.
- Sometimes when you are sleeping, your brain is busier than when you’re awake.
- The left and right sides of your body are controlled by the opposite sides of your brain.
- In Japan you can buy square watermelons, specifically created to stack more easily in supermarkets.
- Wild lions usually do not kill more than 20 times a year.
- Crocodiles along the banks of the Nile River are accountable for over 1000 deaths per year.
🤖🤖🤖
And last but not least some information that I hope our
current generation of scientists are paying attention to.
1. The First Law of robotics is a robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. The Second Law of robotics is that a robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. The Third Law of robotics is that a robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.
🤖🤖🤖
SPECIAL THANKS TO ISAAC ASIMOV
Todays post contains a modest collection of ethnic Irish humor. The jokes are quite lame and unfortunately the limericks are quite tame. Since I have a few Irish ancestors hiding in my family tree, I feel obligated to share some of their humor with you. And not to ignore the obvious Irish traits and traditions, I’ll be drinking a glass of excellent Irish whiskey as I type this post. And before anyone asks . . . no, I don’t have red hair.
Lets start with a few one liners.
🍀
- He was a terrible wreck and his trembling hands told the whole story. “Tell me,” asked his doctor, “do you drink much?” “Deed I don’t. Sure I spill most of it.”
- “That will be five pounds or a month in jail,” the judge said sharply. “Very well, sir,” said Flaherty, “I’ll take the five pounds.”
- Then there was the Irish shopkeeper who said his eggs were so fresh the hens hadn’t missed them.
Here a a couple of true Irish limericks.
🍀
A lovely young maiden of Kilglass,
Who wore intimate garments of brass.
Pat, one night on the porch,
With an acetylene torch,
Just melted her resistance, at last!
🍀
A western young lady named Flynn,
Would tell of her plans with a grin,
“I intend to be bold,
In manner untold,
For there’s need of original sin.”
And last but not least, some pithy Irish sayings for your pleasure.
☘️
Then there was the Irishman who was asked the difference between an explosion and a collision. “In a collision,” he replied, “there you are but in an explosion where are you?“
☘️
She was only a whiskey maker’s daughter but he loved her still.
☘️
A notice in a Galway newspaper some years ago is worthy of preservation: “Because of a lack of space a number of births have been held over until next week.”
☘️
The police department magazine in Dayton, Ohio, once carried the following ad: For sale, second-hand tombstone, excellent buy for someone name Murphy.
🍺🍺🍺
SLEEP IS THE FIRST SIGN OF RECOVERY
A few months ago I came upon a small innocent looking book titled 365 Women’s Reflections on Men. I’d made a few purchases of books that day and the owner of the store threw that little book into my bag as a freebie. Since I never refuse a book from anyone, I took it home and it’s been on the shelf for months. While I’m not partial to the negativity brush that feminism paints most of us men with, I think it’s only right if I pass a few tidbits your way and give some of these overt feminists the credit they rightfully deserve.
- “No man can call himself liberal, or radical, or even a conservative advocate of fair play, if his work depends in any way on the unpaid or underpaid labor of women at home, or in the office.” Gloria Steinem
- “Protectiveness has often muffled the sounds of doors closing against women.” Betty Friedan
- “Dear, never forget one little point: It’s my business. You just work here.” Elizabeth Arden (to her husband)
- “The only jobs for which no man is qualified are human incubators and wet nurses. Likewise, the only job for which no woman is or can be qualified is sperm donor.” Wilma Scott Heide
- “Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.” Queen Elizabeth I
- “I think women are just as moved by appearance [as men are], but they are willing to accept a situation where the man is less attractive because of the “who earns the bread” situation. Madonna
- “American men say “I love you” as part of the conversation.” Liv Ullman
- “If you never want to see a man again, say, “I love you, I want to marry you, and I want to have children . . . they will leave skid marks” Rita Rudner
- “I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.” Marie Corelli
- “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.” Zsa Zsa Gabor
I AM WOMAN . . . HEAR ME ROAR
I’m not a religious person but I’ve always been curious about how and when all of the religions were founded. Every story is as ridiculous as can be but I still remain curious. I know many of you Christians out there are firm believers but believing in things that are unknown and unprovable brings out my skeptical side and lack of faith. That skepticism prompted this short quiz to see just how much all of you believers know about religion. Have fun with it because it isn’t all that easy. As always the answers will be listed below.
- Only one book mentions the name of God in the Bible. Which one?
- What mythological beast as the head of a man, the body of a lion, and the tail and feet of a dragon?
- According to the Bible, what substance was used to caulk Noah’s Ark and to seal the basket in which the infant Moses was set adrift on the Nile?
- In the Bible, which of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse rides a red horse?
- What country was the world’s first constitutionally atheistic state?
- What name is the most common in the Bible-shared by 32 people in the Old Testament and one in the New Testament?
- What is the meaning of orbium phonographicorum theca, one of the words the Vatican has added to the Latin language in a bid to keep up to date?
- How many decks were there on Noah’s ark?
- “Salt of the Earth”, “Feet of Clay”, “Apple of My Eye”, are all clichés from the Bible. What is there common source?
- According to the Bible, in which city were the disciples of Jesus first called Christians?
Answers
Esther, the Manticore, Pitch, or natural asphalt, War, Albania 1967-1990, Zachariah, Discothèque, Three (Genesis 6:16), The King James Bible, Antioch (Acts 11:26)
I’d like once again to share some lovely poetry by the worlds children. These poems are sweet and heartfelt which isn’t unusual when written by the pure of heart. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have. The topic for today is PEOPLE.
👨👩👧👦
By Peter Shelton, Age 10, Australia
The children are singing,
their mouths open like sleepy fish.
Our teacher conducting the class
waves her arms
like a rhyme in water.
The girls sing high:
our ears ring for the sweetness.
Listeners stand in dazzling amazement.
✍🏻✍🏻✍🏻
By Stephie Silon, Age 10, United States
An empty bed
No arguments
No one to come home to
And all is dark
In day and night
I am all alone.
✍🏻✍🏻✍🏻
By David Amey, Age 10, England
My Uncle Jack collects door knobs;
Door knobs here, door knobs there
Door knobs simply everywhere;
Six on the window, twelve on the door
There’s hardly room for any more;
Door knobs on the light switch and the wall,
My Uncle Jack has got them all;
Blue ones, green ones, yellow one and red
And a row of gray ones on the bottom of his bed.
✍🏻✍🏻✍🏻
SPECIAL THANKS TO RICHARD LEWIS
everyuselessthing.com 