Archive for the ‘writing’ Category
MALAPROPS: A variety of verbal miscues from Grade
School, High School and College Examinations.
- Johan Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on the old spinster which he kept up in the attic.
- The government of Athens was Democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
- Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
- People have sex, while nouns have genders.
- The American colonists won the Revolutionary war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
- The bowels are A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y.
- He worked in the government as a civil serpent.
ISN’T EDUCATION WONDERFUL?
- A horse divided against itself cannot stand.
- The climate of the Sahara desert is so hot that certain areas are cultivated by irritation.
- Charles Darwin wrote The Organ of the Species.
- When a baby is born, the doctor cuts its biblical chord.
- The Greeks invented three kinds of columns: Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.
- Brigham Young led the Morons to Utah.
THANK GOD I NEVER TOOK UP TEACHING
It’s officially Fall here in Maine. The temperature has fallen and the winter clothing and extra blankets have been unpacked. I’m sure there are snowblowers all over the state being readied for what is sure to be coming. If that doesn’t depress you a little then nothing will. Today’s post contains limericks written in the late sixties and early seventies and should be considered poetry of a sort. They’ve even been categorized to make it easier for me to choose. Today’s theme will be “Virgins”. Enjoy!
*****
There was a young girl named Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
*****
There was a young fellow name Gluck
Who found himself shit-out-of-luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don’t give a fuck.
*****
There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch.
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
*****
A religious lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with prayer.”
*****
HAPPY MONDAY – HAVE A GREAT WEEK
Over the years and after many mergers the Mainstream Media has become an arm of the corporations that seem to have their fingers into everything. It’s become painfully clear that many media types have become TV stars in their own right. You would think that those under public scrutiny would be more careful than most about the articles and headlines they post or print. I guess that folks who control what we see and read could at times be less than careful. To prove my point read these wonderfully lame and stupid headlines that made their way through writers and editors to amuse and annoy the rest of us.
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us
Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty
This kind of carelessness is unbelievable. Lots of people are being paid lots of money to create these ridiculous headlines. Hopefully going forward the newspapers and websites will at least make some effort to stop the madness.
DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH
Yesterday I posted a list of sayings, and most were attributed to people who are or were once famous. The response to that posting was excellent leading me to try something a little different. Have you ever heard a friend or acquaintance say something that “stuck with you”, something funny or profound? Today’s list will be pearls of wisdom from the smartest person in the world, “Anonymous”. We never seem to realize just how smart that SOB can be.
- A gossip tells things before you have a chance to tell them.
- We expect our children to learn good table manners without ever seeing any.
- The other night, while lying on the couch, I reviewed the high point of my life and fell asleep.
- Imagination makes a man think he can run the business better than the boss.
- He who peeps through a hole may see what will vex him.
- Strange how much you’ve got to know before you know how little you know.
- People are living longer now; they have too – who can afford to die?
- Some people are easily entertained. All you have to do is sit down and listen to them.
- Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.
- Marriage is a wonderful institution. If it weren’t for marriage, husbands and wives would have to fight with perfect strangers.
THANK YOU ANONYMOUS
I’m a lover of quotations as you all know. Some are poignant and other are a bit to smarmy and silly. They’re all good if you take them at face value. Just don’t read too much into them or your in trouble. I’ve collected many that are funny and those are my favorites regardless of who supplied them. These following sayings are from all sorts of people, some well known but most are not. Here they are . . .
- The devils boots don’t creak. Scottish Proverb
- Losing weight is a triumph of mind over platter. Anon
- Nothing is more dangerous than a friend without discretion; even a prudent enemy is preferable. Jean de la Fontaine
- It is easier to know how to do than it is to do. Chinese Proverb
- When dealing with people remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudice, and motivated by pride and vanity. Dale Carnegie
- Speak well of your enemies, sir, you made them. Oren Arnold
- God is a father; luck, a stepfather. Yiddish Proverb
- A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults. Louis Nizer
- My lawyer was hurt – the ambulance backed up suddenly. Anon
- A leader is best when people barely know he exists. When his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will all say, “We did it ourselves.” Lao-tzu
HAVE A BEAUTIFUL FALL DAY
I’m always good for more limericks and today’s offering is from one of my favs, John Ciardi. I’ve been a huge fan of his limericks since reading the book he shared with Issac Azimov. Two crazy smart limerick aficionados.
For a friend . . .
In a lane, a young fellow named Cooper
Committed a terrible blooper.
He had his girl bare those with more
In his car, unaware
Of a vigilant nearby state trooper.
*****
A carefree young woman named Nola
At one time in a summer pergola
Took care of three men
Again and again
And did it on just Coca-Cola.
*****
A little adultery spices
Our lives, but just look at those prices!
If they charge all that dough,
Man can’t buy it, you know,
And there’ll be a frustrational crisis.
*****
The Times tells the world what is doing;
Who’s winning, who’s losing, who’s suing,
Whose striking, who’s stealing,
Who’s dying, whose healing,
But won’t say a word on who’s screwing.
*****
LIMERICKS RULE!
Are you an avid reader? I’ve been one since a very early age and it will continue forever. One of my favorite reads is just about anything ever written by Isaac Azimov. He was a prolific writer as well as a noted intellectual. His areas of interest were many but today I’ll post a few facts he gathered concerning books since we’ve both shared a love for them. Books are great and history is even greater. How can I go wrong posting about the history of books?
- Columbus had with him on his first voyage to the New World a copy of Marco Polo’s book about his 13th century, twenty-two-year odyssey to China and back.
- Twice as many books on religion were published in England as works of fiction in 1870. Sixteen years later, novels far outnumbered religious works.
- The Library of Congress houses over 72 million pieces of research material, including over 16.5 million books and 31 million manuscripts, and costs over $150 million a year to run.
- The Communist Manifesto of Marx and Engels was ignored in Germany when it was published in 1848, and a Russian translation was suppressed by censors in the 1860’s. It remained a rare pamphlet until it was reprinted in 1872.
- The art of printing from wooden blocks with the characters in reverse was initiated in Buddhist monasteries in China. The oldest surviving printed book that can be reliably dated is a Buddhist text, the Diamond Sutra, made in China in 868 A.D.
- Euclid is the most successful textbook writer of all time. His book Elements dated around 300 B.C. has gone through more than 1000 editions since the invention of printing.
- General Lew Wallace’s bestseller Ben Hur was published in 1880 and was the first work of fiction to be blessed by a Pope.
- America’s first best-selling novelist was a woman, Susanna Haswell Rowson. Although it was a melodramatic work with wooden characters and a hackneyed plot, Charlotte Temple, published in 1791, appealed to popular tastes. It went through more than 200 editions.
- Icelanders read more books per capita than any other people in the world.
- To get her book published, in 1896, Fannie Farmer had to pay publishers Little, Brown and Company the printing costs for the first 3000 copies. The publisher refused to take the risk, saying that women would not buy still another collection of recipes. Ironically, her Boston Cooking School Cook Book eventually became the most popular cookbook of its time and a “gold mine” through the years for the publisher; millions of copies have been sold in dozens of editions.
THANK YOU ISAAC
It amazes me just how fast this year has flown by. It won’t be long here in Maine until I’m whining and complaining about the snow. Thinking about snow and ice is depressing most of the time but I’ll deal with it by writing about things that make me less depressed and bored. Being a formal high school and college graduate, I found the following statements to be funny and sad. Funny because some are ridiculous and sad because they’re all taken from actual high school and college exams. This collection mostly concerns Music Appreciation ad Music History.
- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
- The principal singer of 19th-century opera was called the pre-Madonna.
- An interval in music is the distance between one piano to the next.
- Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
- A tuba is much larger than its name.
- When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
- I can’t reach the brakes on this piano.
- The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
- The correct way to find a key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
HIGHER EDUCATION IS THE ULTIMATE OXYMORON
As much as I love bawdy limericks, I also love those written by the kids for other kids. And it’s also nice to know that another generation of limerick lovers and writers are waiting in the wings.
Amanda Chew – Age 13
There is a math teacher called Rundle
Who ties up his books in a bundle.
It’s too heavy he feels,
So, he puts it on wheels.
Now Rundle can trundle his bundle!
😊😊😊
Raymond Coleman – Age 11
There was a young lad called Davy
Who hated the food in the Navy.
He couldn’t have beef
In case his false teeth
Would drop out and fall in the gravy.
😜😜😜
Mark Rothery – Age 8
A certain young goalie named Finn
Lost count of the goals he let in.
When his coach bawled “Eight!”
He replied, quite sedate:
“Then we only need nine goals to win!”
😄😄😄
Rebecca Telford – Age 7
There was a brown dog named Spot
Who tied up his tail with a knot,
To remember his bone
Which he left back at home
When he sometimes went out for a trot.
😏😏😏
GIVE A HAND TO THESE FUTURE POETS
I’m warm and cozy…
I hear distant sounds . . .
I feel and hear a rhythmic pumping . . .
A spasm, a sharp tug, another spasm, and then light.
I AM
❤️
