Christmas is almost upon us and New Years is quickly approaching. I thought a little more Christmas humor was in order and also a healthy dose of New Year’s ridiculousness. Todays posting is a series of quotation’s from the rich and famous, the poor and unfamous, and from our favorite person of all time, Anonymous.
Christmas
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his presents remembered. Phyllis Diller
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
Anonymous
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. Bernard Manning
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. Anonymous
Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.
John Cleese, “Monty Python”
The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. Joan Rivers
There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. P.J. O’Rourke
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. Dave Barry
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple
Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. Anonymous
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. Johnny Carson
I know some of these quotes are corny and stupid but never forget, so are we all at times. Now let’s hop, skip and jump onto the New Year’s bandwagon with a few more potentially humorous adages.
New Year’s
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. Bill Vaughn
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to. P.J. O’Rourke
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution. Jay Leno
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Anonymous
It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets. William Thomas
The only way to spend New Year’s Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears. W.H. Auden
Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.
Judith Crist
New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. James Agee
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. Anonymous
Be at war with your vices; at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man. Benjamin Franklin
I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. Robert Paul
Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right. Oprah Winfrey
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. Oscar Wilde
I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. Anais Nin
THREE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Are you really a Christmas person or do you just go through the motions like so many people do. Over the years I’ve developed into a pretty decent gift giver. I do the necessary research and when I give a gift it means something to me and to the person I’m gifting. That being said I’ve received some of the worst gifts ever on Christmas from people who claimed to be my friends. I hate being phony and it’s really difficult to look sincere with a ‘Thank You’ when I receive a gift that is horrible, stupid, or totally useless. I might pull a few facial muscles just trying to keep a stupid smile on my face.
I decided today I’d put together a list of some of the things that I’ve received over the years that I absolutely hated. Anyone reading this who is responsible for sending me these gifts, you suck. I wasn’t able to tell you that at the time because I was being polite but “you suck”. I wish I had the ability to regift all of those crappy items you folks spent so little time giving a thought to. Tell me how much you would love receiving one of these precious and thoughtless gifts.
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Ugly Christmas Sweaters – I received two of these over the years. One was made by my mother and the second was made by a friend of the family. Honestly, I never wore either except for the five minutes after I opened the package and had no choice. Their final destination is unknown. I think Goodwill received them years ago.
Cheap Perfume – This is usually a gift I would consider for those young ladies with whom my relationship was on the wane. No more than a quart size bottle and pay no more than a $1.99. I searched for the worst smelling stuff I could find, wrapped it up real pretty and threw it under the tree and quietly walked away. This stuff smells to high heaven and clings on clothing like Super Glue. Nothing says we’re through like that good old funeral home fragrance.
Scratchers – Lottery scratchers are probably the most uncaring gift you could give anyone. While buying a cup of coffee you throw couple of scratches in the bag. Give them to the first chump who needs to be given a gift but that you don’t give a damn about. I refuse to give them as gift’s because nothing would piss me off more than to have some schmo I don’t care all that much about win money.
Hip Hop CD’s – I would really only give these as gifts if I could find a few in a bargain bin somewhere that didn’t cost me more than a dollar apiece.
Any Richard Simmons Workout DVD – This I would give as gifts to all of the fat asses I know who refuse to exercise or to eat properly or do anything healthy. Unfortunately knowing my friends and family the way I do I’d get this regifted almost immediately.
Positive Pregnancy Test – I’ve never received one of these in my life but I certainly worried about receiving a few.
Chia Pet – I’ve received these and given them as gifts in the past. It became something of a tradition with my son when as very young kid he told me he thought they were cool. For 6 years he received a different Chia Pet and I loved every second of the expressions on his face when he opened those packages.
Ugly Holiday Ties – this was always my son’s response to all the Chia pets. He made me pay.
Snuggie – You really have to dislike a person to give this as a gift. It’s the worst and dumbest thing ever thought up and I can name at least five people I’d immediately give one to. Not much else to say.
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FOUR SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Five shopping days leaves little time to do much of anything. In keeping with the holiday I thought a little Christmas poetry was in order. This year for me has been more than a little strange. Broken bones and weight loss were my themes this year and thankfully I found this version of “The Night Before Christmas” written for strictly for us dieters. Enjoy!
The Dieter’s Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry–
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I’ll starve… ’til I take that first bite!
Dieting for me isn’t quite Christmassy enough. Many years ago I had a “friend” sent me this next version which was much more to my liking. Sex always sells so why not a sexy “Twas the Nite Before” instead of the traditional version. Maybe on Christmas Eve I’ll sent along a copy of the original to get us all into the real Christmas spirit. Enjoy this off-color version for now.
Night Before Sexmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamppost, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,
“The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay here awhile.”
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
“This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I’ll leave ’em here, and then I’ll just split.”
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, “Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!”
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!”
FIVE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Well the holiday is rushing towards us and we’re down to the last week of preparations. The weather here in Maine is certainly doing it’s part this year. It’s the eighteenth of December and we have two and a half feet of snow on the ground. It’ll be nice to have an old style white Christmas with the trees sagging low with snow and everything feeling clean and new. It also makes for some beautiful photography as you can see.
My leg is healing nicely but it appears I’ll need more time to get it back into shape. I feel a little stupid hopping around with that Walter Brennan limp but what can I do. It’s just nice to be able to walk around the house, drive my car, and to get out and do a little Christmas shopping.
I hate to admit just how much I miss being able to use those handy electric shopping carts to do my shopping. People are nicer to you, they get out of the way, and even let you get ahead of them in line at the register. I’m a bit spoiled I guess. I’ve come up with a solution for that problem though. I’m going to start carrying the air cast and crutches in my car. I’ll arrive at Walmart, put on the boot, grab the crutches and make my way inside to claim my cart. That’s what I call a real emergency kit. My luck, I’ll get caught doing it the first time.
I have a few more stocking stuffers to buy this week and my holiday prep will be complete. Thank God for Amazon who made my Christmas so much easier to deal with this year. Shop, click, and bing, bang, boom . . . it arrives at your house in two days. Next year I may attempt to make it a total Amazon holiday. I’ll first sign up for Amazon Prime which for $79.00 gives me free shipping on all purchases for a year. Order anything and everything I need for the holidays, have it nicely wrapped, and shipped with a card to relatives and friends anywhere on the planet. It’s called a "one click" holiday season.
My better-half has been like a crazy person for the last few weeks but she appears to have accomplished all of her tasks and is calming down a little. The house is just about ready for guests and family and enough beer has been purchased to keep her in that sentimental mindset which help’s her enjoy the holidays. She’s worked very hard this year to get everything done and ready without my help and it’s looking terrific.
She and her daughter spent a good part of the day yesterday doing something they both love. Manicures and pedicures all around. I gave my better-half a gift certificate for two of each a few weeks ago for her birthday. I knew it would come in handy during "crazy week". They were pampered and lotioned until they had no choice but to be happy and smiling. There’s nothing like a good looking guy rubbing and scrubbing your feet and waiting on you hand-and-foot. One of these days I might be forced to give it a try myself but with a good looking woman.
SIX MORE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
It’s Tuesday and we have seven shopping days left until Christmas. Are you stressed, pissed, and have you completely lost your sense of humor? Well, welcome to the club. Since Christmas has both the ability to excite and depress me I think a little darkness is necessary which fits right in with my current mindset. I’ve collected tombstone epithets for years and even took to the graveyards of Massachusetts while living there and made gravestone rubbings of some of the more interesting. They are at times poignant, heartfelt, funny, and even sarcastic. They do tend to get right to the point about the dearly departed who would be spinning in their graves if they ever read them. I hope they make you smile like they do for me.
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Here lies Lester Moore, four slugs from a 44, no Les, No More. Tombstone, Arizona
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Of children in all she bore twenty-four: Thank the Lord there will be no more. Canterbury, Kent, England
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Here lies the body of John Mound, Lost at Sea and never found. Winslow, Maine
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Here lies I, Jonathan Fry. Killed by a sky-rocket in my eye socket. Frodsham, Cheshire, England
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Here lies John Ross, Kicked by a horse. Channel Islands, England
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Here lies Jane Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of the same style 350 dollars. Springdale, Ohio
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Neglected by his doctor, ill treated by his nurse, his brother robbed the widow, which made it all the worse. Dulverton, Somerset, England
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Stranger approach this spot with gravity; John Brown is filling his last cavity. A Dentist
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Beneath this stone old Abraham lies; Nobody laughs and nobody cries. Where he is gone and how he fares, Nobody knows and nobody cares. For Abraham Newland
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Beneath these stones repose the bones of Theodosius Grim; He took his beer from year to year, and then the beer took him. A Beer Drinker
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Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low, but the skin of the thing that made her go. Enosburg, Vermont
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Grim Death took me without any warning, I was well at night and dead in the morning. Sevenoaks, Kent, England
I looked up a few others in my archive since I know you all love your celebrities. Some are cute, some lame, but who really cares?
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My Jesus, mercy” Al Capone
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“The best is yet to come.” Frank Sinatra
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“This is the last of Earth! I am content!” John Quincy Adams (1767 – 1848)
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“Truth and History. 21 Men. The Boy Bandit King. He Died As He Lived. William H. Bonney ‘Billy the Kid'” Billy the Kid (unknown)
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“That’s all, folks!” Mel Blanc (the epitaph is the trademark line of cartoon character Porky Pig.
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“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” Winston Churchill
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“She did it the hard way” Bette Davis
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“Nothing’s So Sacred As Honor And Nothing’s So Loyal As Love” Wyatt Earp
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“I had a lover’s quarrel with the world” Robert Frost
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“Hey Ram” (Translated “Oh, God”) Mahatma Gandhi
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“Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty I’m Free At Last.” Martin Luther King, Jr.
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“Workers of all lands unite. The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to change it.” Karl Marx
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“Truth to your own spirit” Jim Morrison
GET SOME REST, ONLY SEVEN SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I’m still trying desperately to figure out exactly what New Year’s resolutions I need to make for 2014. I’d like just once to be taking this process seriously instead of resorting to silly and humorous resolutions that I never intend to keep. I decided as always that further research is necessary to assist me in my endeavors.
Being the patriotic citizen that I am what better place to start than with the always politically correct US Government webpage. Here’s their suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for 2014 which are so politically correct and lame they must have been written by Obama himself.
Drink Less Alcohol
Eat Healthy Food
Get a Better Education
Get a Better Job
Get Fit
Lose Weight
Manage Debt
Manage Stress
Quit Smoking
Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle
Save Money
Take a Trip
Volunteer to Help Others
I was seriously tempted not to put that list in this posting because it’s so damn embarrassing. However it’s important that I look at all the possibilities when trying to decide what will be my goals for the new year. During my research I then discovered a suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for senior citizens. I knew that list was going to piss me off because there’s no way someone who is not a senior citizen can write a list for senior citizens. Here’s that list and it’s only a little offensive and condescending.
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Visit your local senior center.
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Plan to eat at least one nourishing meal a day, not junk food or fast food, but a real meal.
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Increase your social contacts and make new friends at any senior center.
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Consider getting help If you live alone and don’t have family or friends.
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Learn how to use the Internet.
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Schedule regular exercise.
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Clean house. Go through your residence to identify items you no longer want, need or will never use again.
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Get your papers/affairs in order.
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Consider a personal emergency response system.
Well was I right or was I wrong? You can’t expect much more from a non-senior. Now, in an attempt at diversity which I’m almost always famous for I decided to see what our friends in the hip-hop community are resolving to do during 2014. These listed resolutions are not from one single rapper but a number of people involved in the hip-hop music scene. They’ll speak for themselves with no further comments from me.
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I’m an artist…Silence is my canvas!
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Focus more on the music.
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By the end of the year I’d like to receive some monetary compensation for creating music.
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As nice as it is to get weed or liquor for beats, I think I’m ready to step up.
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Stop spending more time on set up and reading manuals than I do writing.
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Start playing my saxophone on a daily basis again? Oh yeah,and get some exercise…..
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Return to sample based 90’s boom bap including scratches.
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Take guitar lessons.
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Get back to basics and not focus on what I hear on the radio and finish my studio.
My one last attempt at finding some real help on the Internet landed me onto the trail of a British stripper. Her heartfelt resolutions touched my heart and seemed more genuine than most of the others I’ve mentioned. This is obviously a woman who loves her work and is trying to make those improvements necessary to increase her revenue stream. If I knew where she actually worked I just might be tempted to pay her a visit and be talked into stuffing a few good old American dollar bills into some really interesting British places.
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Work on my flexibility.
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Whiten those teeth.
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Work at least four days a week.
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Work on a few new variations to my lap dance routines.
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Wake up sober on Thursdays.
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I’m going to begin yoga until I can once again lick my own leg.
All of this research hasn’t help me at all. My list of resolutions for 2014 is still tentative. I can’t decide on what approach to take in writing them and this research has made it even more difficult. I have a few weeks before the end of the year and I’ll continue my diligent efforts to come up with a few real resolutions I can strive for. I’d hate to be forced to again resort to making a list with items that are humorous, sarcastic, and silly.
More to come.
I’m what you might consider a “foodie”. I love to cook and above all I love to eat. It might explain why I’m in the middle of a six month weight loss program. As a kid I always looked forward to the holiday season primarily due to my grandmothers Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners. Every country and ethnic group has their own list of traditions for the holidays and compared to the United States they can be just a bit strange and a few are a little disgusting. Some are fun but they all accomplish the same basic things as ours. Time with family, friends, and memories of past holidays and family members.
Here are a few I discovered while surfing which are very interesting. I can guarantee one thing after reading them, I’ll never be attending Christmas dinners anywhere in Scandinavia. I love seafood but OMFG.
Japan
In Japan it’s customary to go out and eat Kentucky Fried Chicken for Christmas dinner from a nearby KFC of course. Thousands of people flock to KFC’s to enjoy some finger licking chicken and the Christmas rush has become so huge that some branches take table bookings.
Peru
In Peru, the big day is Noche Buena or “Good Night”, on December 24. On this night, after mass, everybody goes home to open gifts and feast on an elaborately prepared Christmas meal of traditional roasted turkey. At midnight, the adults toast with champagne and children raise their glasses of hot chocolate as fireworks shine in the night sky.
Bulgaria
In Bulgaria they cook 12 dishes to represent the 12 months of the year but they eat no meat. A typical feast consists of nuts, dried plums, cakes and banitza (a pastry). Walnuts are a necessary component of the meal as each family member cracks one in order to determine their fate for the next year.
France
Traditionally the French dine on a starter of fresh oysters served with rye bread and butter and lemon juice or shallot vinegar. Some households may also eat smoked salmon or escargots (snails). This dish is then followed by a second starter of Coquilles St Jacques (Scallops with mushrooms and white wine).
Italy
After the meatless day before Christmas, Italians often enjoy a delicious Christmas dinner that includes other meats. From lamb to roast beef, turkey or pork, Italians often include foods other than fish on their tables on Christmas day. Salads and antipasto are often the first course. Broccoli, eggplant, peppers and other vegetables are featured in side dishes. Pasta’s, a staple of Italian cooking, are also included on the big day, in baked dishes or as homemade vermicelli. Crostini, a dry toasted bread, is often included in the meal. Fruits and nuts may also make an appearance as well as desserts and sweets. Try your hand at making belfanini an anise flavored cookie.
Puerto Rico
Popular dishes include roast pig, rice and pea dishes, coquito or eggnog made with rum and coconut milk, coconut custard, fried plantains, and nuts. Many families also celebrate with unique dishes only made during the holiday season.
Sweden
Swedish Julafton (Christmas Eve dinner) typically consists of a smorgasbord with julskinka (a type of Christmas ham), lutefisk (pickled pigs feet), dried codfish, sliced gravlax (raw salmon cured in salt, sugar and dill), pickled herring and an assortment of sweets.
Norway
They enjoy pinnekjøtt which is salted lamb ribs for the main course. To compliment the meat they tend to eat mashed rutabaga (also known as swede) which is kind of like our turnips. Another favorite meat at Christmas is the lambs head to go along with the lamb ribs. This is boiled and salted (minus the brains) and the head is eaten from front to back with the tongue and eye muscles being particularly yummy cuts.
Czech Republic
Christmas is a very religious and peaceful time in the Czech Republic and everyone fasts for one day in the run up to the Christmas meal. They then start with a fish soup which is followed by the tradition of carp. This is often accompanied by a potato salad including onions, cooked carrots, pickled gherkins, cooked eggs and mayonnaise. This is prepared on Christmas Eve and allowed to ‘mellow’ for a day before eating. YUM?????
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You see what I mean about Scandinavia. Truly some acquired tastes there. I hope you’re finished with your shopping and are preparing to relax and enjoy the holiday. I know, I know, who am I kidding. You’re probable a bunch of Christmas Eve shoppers who get off on the big crowds and incidental body contact. Another unusual Christmas tradition that started in NYC on the subways. LOL
I received my second gift of this Fall season yesterday. My first gift was my broken leg that occurred at the end of October. The second gift was the doctor declaring my leg healed after just six weeks and ordering the removal of the air cast and those dirty, rotten, miserable, and effing crutches. Also, he felt physical therapy wouldn’t be necessary either. He slapped on a small and unobtrusive ankle brace which allows me to once again wear a normal shoe and walk on two feet. I was on my way home and I was thrilled BUT . . . . .
You’d think I’d be happier but over the years I’ve discovered that every silver cloud has a dark and disturbing chewing center. During my two months of hopping around on one leg I forgot just how much of a negative effect not using that leg could be. I lost almost thirty percent of the muscle mass in my leg in just 2 months. I also was so concerned about the broken bone that I gave very little thought to the damage my knee suffered in the same accident. Now that I’m able to put full weight on the leg the knee is screaming for attention. I gave up the cast for an ankle brace and gave up the crutches for a knee brace. There seems to be no end to this madness and some one somewhere is intent on having me hobbled for Christmas. It’s a little spooky.
I decided to celebrate with my better-half on my return to two legged walking and we planned a night out to have some fun. First we had to babysit the grandson on my first nite back which was fun like always. My better-half returned to work the next day and upon her arrival home she was complaining endlessly about all of the sick employees who’d been calling off and leaving early due to some kind of virus. The next morning I was lying in bed and felt the dreaded tickle in the back of my throat. Twenty-four hours later I’m sneezing, my nose is running, and the fever is building. I’ve now been on my back for two days with some sort of damn flu courtesy of either my grandson or my better-half. K M N !!!
If I don’t catch anymore diseases or break anymore bones I hope to be back on my feet by Christmas. I’d just be happy to feel good and be able to walk into the kitchen unaided by anyone or anything. I certainly hope New Years remains uneventful. I’ll be locking myself up in solitary confinement on the 26th and staying there for the rest of the month. No contact with my better-half, no visits from my cat, and especially no visits or contact from that disease carrying little runt of a grandson. The party will be a quiet one but at least I’ll be feeling better. I’m hoping against hope that 2014 is a vast improvement over this year.
And here’s the cherry on top of my December sundae. I awoke this morning to find fifteen inches of snow covering everything. I immediately attacked it with my snow blower to help my better-half go to work. Big surprise, I traveled no more than 100 feet and it died. They say things come in threes so I think I should be good for a while.
DECK THE EFFING HALLS
I’m was never in high school during the 1950’s. I just wanted to be clear on that point because I was in what is now called Middle school. To say there are differences between now and the fifties is a huge understatement. As mentioned yesterday, political correctness is responsible for accelerating that change. Here are a few hypothetical scenarios showing the differences. When you first read them you might think the writer was exaggerating to make a point. If you really look at it honestly you can see it’s not exaggerated at all.
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Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2013 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2013 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2013 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2013 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with a friend who also has a headache.
2013 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2013 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 – Ants die.
2013 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 –In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2013 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Do you honestly think it was exaggerated? I don’t. I’m glad for two things this Christmas season. One, that I’m not a kid attending school these days, and second, I have no grand children in the schools yet. It gives me time to get their minds right before the liberal academics begin their propagandizing.
MERRRRRRY CHRISTMAS
I’ve been fighting the good fight against political correctness for more years than I care to admit. All in all it’s made no difference whatsoever. It hasn’t changed my thinking in the least but I’m out numbered by people and government institutions that have more money and power than I. They’ve made political correctness a permanent part of the American landscape and I’m not sure what it will take to get us back on track. The only thing I’m absolutely sure is that I won’t be alive to see the change if it ever comes.
I’ll continue to fight the good fight and ridicule those politically correct fools whenever possible and use my sarcasm as a weapon against them. With that in mind I present for your edification the following article. It was sent to me by a long time friend in KC who is another warrior against political correctness. It made me laugh and then after I thought about it some more I stopped laughing. You sports fanatics will appreciate this.
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I agree with our Native American population—I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as warriors, but nay nay…. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let’s ditch The Kansas City Chiefs, The Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your panties are in a bunch because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns as well.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of the militant Blacks from the 60’s alive. Gone. Offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war between the states that cost this country so many young men’s lives. Besides, the South shall rise again!!
I’m also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our football team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. The fact that there are birds on their shirts does not protect either the Arizona or the St. Louis Cardinals—gone!
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged as their way of life. We are talking the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children—and it is all about the children. The Green Bay Packers and the St. Louis Rams–promote gay men. Wrong message to our children.
The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity–a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Drugs is definitely a wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers—well, that goes without saying…. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. A high priority directly behind efficiently managing our country’s health care.
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We will soon be watching the Unicorns vs Kittens on Sunday afternoons. GO UNICORNS, KICK THE HELL OUT OF THEM KITTENS! Can I get an amen?
everyuselessthing.com 