EVERY USELESS THING UNIVERSITY
Class is now in session, so please take your seats, pay close attention, and prepare to become a little smarter. Our lessons for today are as follows:
* * *
Lesson #7 – Why Does Alcohol Cause People to Urinate?
The reason why people urinate so frequently while drinking alcohol is because it is a diuretic i.e., a drug that increases the amount of urine produced by the kidneys. Caffeine, too, is a diuretic.
Alcohols diuretic effect works by preventing the blood regulation function of vasopressin, and antidiuretic hormone that acts on the kidneys, compelling them to concentrate urine by increasing the resorption of water. Decrease in vasopressin therefore reduces the amount of water reabsorbed by the kidneys, resulting in the production of larger amounts of urine. This diuretic effect draws water from the body and causes a person to urinate more fluid than they imbibe.
The diuretic effect (or diuresis) is caused not by the volume of liquid drunk but by the alcohol content of the drink itself. A shot of spirits will generally cause a person to generate as much urine as they would if they drink a pint of beer.
Now you know the reason for the consistently long lines at restrooms during sporting events. The next time your at a party and you hear the phrase “I could piss like a race horse”, get out of the way and let that person pass. You certainly don’t want any back splash on your shoes.
* * *
Lesson #8 – Why Does the Penis Shrink When It’s Cold?
In cold weather or water, a man’s penis will often retract and reduce considerably in size. This phenomenon sometimes referred to as “shrinkage”, and it occurs for a number of reasons, primarily that of temperature regulation. The testicles are contained in the scrotum and suspended away from the body, owing to the fact that sperm can be produced only when conditions are slightly cooler than the core temperature of the body. The temperature range in which sperm can be produced is very narrow, varying by only a couple of degrees, and when the environment gets too cold the scrotum retracts, drawing the testicles closer to the body to increase the temperature. As the penis is attached to the scrotum, this retraction pulls up the penis along with it.
A sufficient steep drop in temperature will also prompt the body to reduce the amount of blood circulating to the extremities and appendages, and concentrate blood flow in the core of the body in order to check the vital organs. As the size of the penis is affected greatly by the amount of blood that it receives, when a drop in temperature causes a reduction in the amount of blood reaches it, the penis shrivels and decreases in size.
Penis can also reduce in size when a man is startled or frighten, again because the body retracts the scrotum to the body for maximum protection, following the penis and with it.
* * *
Now all of you ladies out there have the inside scoop. You should no longer take it personally if a man fails to respond to your many charms since he’s either cold, wet, startled or even frightened. If he is none of those things then you have a serious problem that can only be solved by kicking him to the curb and moving on.
CLASS DISMISSED
Well, I’ve made it through another transaction with a used car salesman. My better-half has been using my car since hers was totaled which has caused me to become house bound for the last two weeks. The choice I had was an easy one. Do I get up at 4am to take her to work or do I stay in bed and catch an extra two hours of sleep. No brainer right? I tried taking her to work a couple of times and finally decided I was just being stupid.
It actually wasn’t much of an inconvenience for me but I could tell she was feeling bad about the whole situation. She surprised me yesterday when she arrived home from work a few hours early and advised me we were going out to look at a few more cars. We left the house after much discussion and time spent checking vehicles on the web at nearby dealerships. On one of our earlier trips we earmarked two vehicles as possible candidates for her. One was a Hyundai Elantra and the second was a Honda Civic with both still remaining on the market.
We arrived at the dealership and once again discussed the two possible purchases amongst ourselves. We both seemed a little hesitant about both cars which was just not a good sign. Later as a salesman later stood with us with his typical nonstop flow of BS I kind of zoned out. He was beginning to piss me off a little so I walked away for a few minutes to clear my head. As I did I saw a car parked nearby that hadn’t been there during our last visit. I quickly checked it out and was stunned at what a clean and untouched vehicle it seemed to be. It had just been taken in trade for a new purchase just two days ago.
The better-half walked over and began checking it out and low and behold two hours later she was driving it off the lot and heading home. It was well within our budget and was in absolute mint condition. We just got very lucky for a change. She’s now the proud owner of a Hyundai Sonata with every extra you could imagine on it with a sun roof thrown in for good measure.
We went through the normal smooth talking attempts by other salesmen to sell us extra unneeded and senseless warranties and maintenance programs. One dealerships smooth talking BS-artist was relentless in his efforts which eventually forced me to cause a minor ruckus and storm out of the office. He was lucky I’ve mellowed with age and become such a calm and non-violent person because ten years ago I’d have gotten into his face in a big way and told him to shove his car up his ass. But I’m a better person now, lucky for him.
Just another anticipated unpleasant experience with a little turd of a man whose mere existence just irritates the hell out of me. Oh well, my better-half is happy to have a new car, I’m happy because I can now finally leave the house during daylight hours, and lastly that salesman is happy because he never has to see or talk to me ever again.
All in all a successful shopping safari.
I’ve been fairly consistent over the years in my criticism of all politicians and liberals even more so. It’s my opinion that all politicians usually do more harm than good once they start passing inane laws and even more so with liberals.
For a long time I felt I was alone in my opinions until I started doing what I tell everyone else to do, “Know Your Past”. I’ve always loved history and read as much of it as I can. The following quotes are from a variety of sources over a span of almost a hundred years and I found them more than a little interesting. I hope you do as well.
* * *
“A liberal is a man who leaves the room when the fight starts” – Heywood Broun (1888-1939)
“Limousine Liberal: one who takes up hunger as a cause but has never felt a pang; who will talk at length about the public school system but sends his children to private schools.” – William Safire (1929-2009)
“A liberal will hang you from a lower branch.” – Adlai E. Stevenson (1900-1965)
“The modern, liberal-scientific ethic: if it’s bad for you, it should be prohibited; if it’s good for you, it should be required.” – Thomas S. Szasz (1920-2012)
“Liberal: Someone who believes crime is the fault of society until he’s robbed.” – Jerry Tucker (1941- )
“In a pinch the liberals can always be counted on to back up the principles of the established order.” – Scott Nearing (1883-1983) Jul 1950
* * *
I won’t be slamming our liberal friends today but I will let the quotes do it for me. It’s nice to know that my opinion of liberals and other politicians was held by many and varied people of note for decades.
During my wanderings yesterday I stumbled on a new treasure trove of absolutely useless information expanded to include virtually every country on the planet. I felt just like a little kid in a candy store. These factoids and tidbits are much more interesting than some I’ve previously found and I’m happy to be sending them along to you. Where I can I’ll note the source of the material and if you dispute the information call them.
There is no rhyme or reason as to how they are listed so just wade on through and enjoy.
-
At birth, most babies cry at C or C Sharp. – Financial Times
-
Five people were killed by falling icicles in the central Russian town of Samara between February 23 and 25, 2008. – Reuters
-
On a QWERTY keyboard, 32% of keystrokes take place on the middle row, 52% on the upper row, and 16% on the bottom row. – Discover Magazine
-
In ninety days a single toad can consume nearly 10,000 insects. – State of the World
-
Hitler was on the short list for the 1938 Nobel Peace Prize. – The Guardian
-
Two thirds of the world’s people have never seen snow. – Canadian Weather Trivia Calendar
-
The average British woman spends two years of her life gazing in the mirror. – The Times
-
Every year, an average of twelve Japanese tourists in Paris have to be repatriated due to severe culture shock. – Foreign Policy Passport
-
Henry David Thoreau once burned down three hundred acres of forest trying to cook a fish he had caught for supper. – The Times
-
On an average day, about 3.3% of the worlds population has sex. Less than 0.4% of these acts result in births. – Financial Times
-
Asians make up 35% of the undergraduate body at MIT but only 4% of the US population. – New York Book Review
-
There are an estimated 10,000 trillion ants on earth – roughly 1.6 million for each human. Their combined weight is equivalent to that of the entire human population. – MSN
-
Spammers typically need to send one million emails to get fifteen positive responses. – The New Yorker
-
Jack Bauer, the lead character from the series 24, personally killed 112 people in the first five seasons of the show. – The Guardian
-
About 85% of Chinese people share only a hundred surnames. Wang is the most popular (with 93 million people), followed by Li (92 million) and Zhang (88 million). At least 100,000 people are named “Wang Tao,” making it the most popular full name. – China Daily
There you have it. The first installment of International Trivia. It’s nice to see that we Americans are not alone when it comes to weirdness and odd behavior. Carry on.
I’ve been sitting around for a while today trying to compile a list of five men and five women that I really admire. What does it say about me that I can’t get it done. I refuse to use celebrities or politicians because that’s just plain ridiculous but not many names are even making my short list.
So far my list of admired men consists of just one, Max Ehrlich. I’m positive you know nothing about Max. He was as eccentric as they come, independent, smart, funny, irreverent, and most importantly my favorite uncle.
He was a good old boy who worked hard all of his life. He was badly injured in a work place accident at a young age and was pensioned off by the company for a few hundred dollars a month. Did that slow him down? He picked himself up and restarted his life and did it his way. He knew almost everyone within a hundred mile radius on a first name basis and was what many servicemen would call a “first class scrounger”. He retrieved items through salvage and resold them to his acquaintances. If you needed something he could find it quickly and sell it to you cheaply.
For years he was considered the “black sheep” of our family because he refused to conform to what the family thought he should be. He was funny and irreverent and made my mother and her side of the family just cringe every time he spoke. I managed over the years to spend time with him because he was on the down-low, a friend of my dads. Many times during the Christmas holidays when I was seven or eight I remember riding along with him in his truck to deliver presents to some of his friends. It wasn’t until years later that I discovered what those presents were.
After I joined the State Police I was assigned to an area that included his hunting camp and when time permitted I would stop and visit to check the house and property. One sunny Sunday afternoon I pulled into the camp and while checking the house heard laughter from the back yard. I walked around to where he had built his homemade swimming pool and there was Max at age eighty skinny dipping with what he called two young honey’s, both in their sixties. I was speechless until he walked over without a stich on, patted me on the back, and introduced me to the girls. We all laughed till we cried.
He passed away a few years later shortly after his girlfriend of some fifty years died. My mother was one of the executors of his will and she soon discovered that good old Max had almost a quarter of a million dollars in his accounts. No one could figure out where it came from until they began to clean out the garage at the hunting camp. Above a hidden door in the ceiling they found a large still and all the necessary equipment for bottling. We later found out from two of our other elderly uncles that he had been making moonshine for decades. That was the presents the old goat and I delivered at Christmas time.
He’s still the only guy on my list and if I ever think of four more I’ll let you know. I still miss that SOB.
I love lists of all kinds but I apparently haven’t listed some subjects that certain people have been waiting for. In response to a "tongue in cheek" request for odd or record setting information on sex I visited more web sites than usual to find a few interesting sexual facts. I can’t personally verify these tidbits but the majority have been reported through numerous sources and appear legitimate. Read on and and try hard not to laugh too much, shudder too much or retch too much.
-
Most Children Fathered: The king of Morocco (in the 17th century), Moulay Ismail Ibn Sharif, is a proud owner of this sex record. He had a harem with 500 wives and 1042 recorded offspring’s.
-
Oldest Father: Indian farmer, Nanu Ram Jogi already held the record for world’s oldest father when he fathered his 21st child at 90-years-old. Jogi is married to his fourth wife and has no plans of slowing down his baby production.
-
Most Births: The modern world record for giving birth is held by Leontina Albina from San Antonio, Chile. Now in her mid-sixties, she claims to be the mother of 64 children. Of these, 55 are documented.
-
The mother with the greatest number of kids that are not twins is Livia Ionce. This Romanian woman, 44, gave birth to her 18th child in Canada in 2008.
-
The woman to give birth to the most children was a peasant’s wife from Shuya (east of Moscow) . She gave birth 27 times. 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets and four sets of quadruplets.
-
Most Ejaculations: For a man in one hour is 16.
-
Semen Swallowed: Michelle Monahan swallowed 1.7 pints (almost 1 liter) of semen and had to get her stomach pumped.
-
Most female orgasms in an hour: 134.
-
Most male orgasms in an hour: 16.
-
Longest Ejaculation: American man Horst Schultz was recorded ejaculating 18 feet 9 inches. He also holds the records for height (12 ft. 4in) and speed (42.7mph). A woman has been recorded ejaculating 10 feet.
-
Strongest Vagina: 42 year-old Russian woman, Tatiata Kozhevnikova, broke her own record by hefting a glass ball attached to 31 pounds of weight with her vagina muscles. Kozhenikova’s success didn’t happen overnight, but through fifteen years of rigorously training.
-
Oldest Prostitute: An 82 -year-old woman called "Grandma" in Tai Pei is believed to be the oldest living and working prostitute. She began 40 years ago after a man she had lived with for two decades died. She stays in business by charging ten to twenty times less than other working girls in the area.
-
Largest Female Gangbang: Pornstar Lisa Sparxxx nailed 919 guys in 24 hours. This defeated previous records of 646 in 2002 and 759 in 2003.
-
Largest Male Gangbang: Porn star Jon Dough had sex with over 55 women in one day, having 5 to 6 orgasms.
-
Largest Orgy: In Japan 250 couples had sex at the same time and in the same place while camera crews recorded the event. Despite all testing negative for STDs, the couples only had sex with their partners.
-
Youngest Parents: Shaun Steard of England was 12 when he became a father. 5-year-old, Peruvian Lina Medina gave birth in 1933 after starting to menstruate at 3. Her father was jailed on suspicion of incest but released due to a lack of evidence. The child was delivered through cesarean because Lina’s hips were too narrow.
-
The smallest human penis: 0.39 inches.
-
Largest Non-Human Penis: Rorqual whales have penises that average 10 feet, and as much as a 1 foot in diameter.
-
Largest Human Penis: The record for the largest living penis belongs to Jonah Falcon who has a 13.5 inch penis.
-
Largest Human Clitoris: In The Sexual Anatomy, W. Francis Benedict mentions a 12 inch clitoris.
-
Largest Human Vagina: Scottish giant, Anna Swan, and her giant husband had a giant baby that’s head was 19 inches, all of which fit through her vagina.
I don’t know about you but that’s just about all the trivia and facts about sex I’ll ever need. It’s scary to think that most of what you just read is factual and many of these people are still alive, well, and active. This should take care of any future requests for odd sexual facts for a very long time.
Well we returned home at 9pm last night from our day and a half road trip to Rhode Island. I was never so glad to be home. Road trips in and of themselves can be fun but only if you have enough time to stop and smell the roses. Anyone who tries to squeeze four or five days of activities into one day is out of their effing mind.
I can tell you from my experience yesterday that the last place you want to be on a hot summer Sunday in August is Newport, Rhode Island. Thousands of people jamming the streets and every business and building. You’d better not be the least bit claustrophobic because if you are you’re royally and supremely screwed.
There were so many pedestrians on the streets it was difficult to even drive a city block without issues. If you do somehow find yourself kidnaped by your spouse and her family members and taken there against your will, you have my sincerest sympathies. If you go there voluntarily then you have some issues of your own to deal with.
Make sure you have plenty of cash with you as well. Things are a little pricy and you’ll pay top price for everything. Parking fees are utterly outrageous and insulting. Restaurants will serve you huge portions of food that you’ll never be able to finish just so they have justification to jack the prices up as high as possible.
Do I sound angry? If I don’t then I’m not getting my point across. My last visit to Newport was twenty years ago and I guarantee there will never be another. The entire place offends my sensibilities and going back again is just out of the question.
There, I feel a little better after getting that off my chest. Now I can allow my life to return to what I think is normal. No more unorganized, hit or more miss, expensive, and un-fun outings. I promise!
One other thing, any members of my better-half’s family who may read this, don’t take anything I’ve written too personally. If you do, so be it.
Since my better-half and I are road tripping for the rest of the weekend I thought I’d just get Sunday’s posting out of the way before we leave. I hope you’ll enjoy your weekend.
* * *
I’ve been watching and listening the the President and his minions for years now. I’ve discredited him when I could and attempted to convince anyone who would listen to look, see, and understand truth of things. If you’re still a big supporter then you’re obviously one of the Obama “Kool-Aid” drinkers. Why not listen to our past presidents who’ve been through the political wringer and survived. They have experiences that should be drawn upon for guidance and help in these perilous times. Listen up!
“It will be worthy of a free, enlightened, and, at no distant period, a great nation, to give to mankind the magnanimous and too novel example of a People always guided by an exalted justice and benevolence.”
George Washington – Farewell Address 1796
“I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that his justice cannot sleep forever.”
Thomas Jefferson 1785
“The American people will ever do well if well done by.”
Abraham Lincoln 1860
“The strength of our Nation must continue to be used in the interest of all our people rather than a privileged few. It must continue to be used unselfishly in the struggle for world peace and the betterment of mankind.”
Harry S. Truman – State of the Union Jan 1949
“Whatever America hopes to bring to pass in the world must first come to pass in the heart of America.”
Dwight D. Eisenhower – First Inaugural Address 1953
“America is a great nation today not because of what government did for people but because of what people did for themselves and one another.”
Richard M. Nixon – Beyond Peace 1994
“All great change in America begins at the dinner table.”
Ronald Reagan – Farewell Address Jan 1989
“America is never wholly herself unless she is engaged in high moral principle. We as a people have a purpose today. It is to make kinder the face of the nation and gentler the face of the world.”
George Bush – Inaugural Address 1989
I’ll say it again as I’ve said it so many times before. Know your past.
I’ve written many a post over the years about sex, relationships, and especially women. I ‘m the same as most men, we really don’t have a complete grasp on what women want or expect before, during, and after sex. Some times we get lucky and do things just right but as a woman changes so does her desires during sex. Lick an ear lobe one day and your just so damn sexy. Wait a week, lick the same ear lobe and get a somewhat tepid response. Women?
I decided that a thorough search on the Web might help me clarify a few things if I could find a few females willing to help me. I think the following list of things women like or love might be helpful to all of you inept men out there. It reminds me an episode of Friends where Monica and Rachel attempt to educate Chandler about various female erogenous zones. It was funny and sad at the same time.
Let’s get started. For all of you women out there who feel the need to respond to these facts, please be kind and keep the profanity to a minimum.
* * *
Stay in Shape: This becomes increasingly difficult as we age. Older men have the proverbial pot belly and it can be difficult to stop Mother Nature from intruding into your bedroom. Let change this category to Stay in the Best Shape You Can. Start doing exercises and other techniques to help you improve. She’ll be begging for much more sex once you do!
Take Your Time: More extended foreplay. Think about it, by delaying the penetration and enjoying the foreplay, she’d feel more wet and will enjoy sex a lot more.
Emotional Connection. To enjoy sex better, women need to feel connected to the man emotionally. Well, this doesn’t make one night stands less sexy but in a relationship where you’ve had sex a few times, you always need to focus on making her feel loved and emotionally connected to you.
Raise Her Self esteem. For a woman, self esteem is one of the most important things to help her feel sexy about herself when she’s in bed with a man. When you’re making love with your women, make her feel loved and comfortable, and compliment her body or any other specific regions that you find sexy. Women love a man who boosts their ego in bed.
Talking Dirty: Yes, I’ve been a dirty talker for years. It’s a type of oral sex that I found quite satisfying once I discovered that women love it too. Not every woman loves it but more do than I ever thought possible.
More Experimentation: Women crave new things more than men. Keep a drawer full of gadgets, extra batteries, and a copy of the Kama Sutra nearby. A six pack or two of various flavored lubricants won’t hurt either.
A Little Danger: Dare to take a chance or two. Sex in unusual places can be thrilling. I’ve ben known to try storerooms, closets, park benches, restroom stalls, and even cars upon occasion. Use your imagination, and you’ll be surprised at just how much risk many women are willing to take.
Satisfy her: Can you really enjoy sex if you don’t finish yourself off? Of course, you can’t. And for women, it works the same way. Don’t focus only on your own needs. Take it slow and warm her up, and don’t ejaculate until your woman has orgasmed first.
Give All of Her Your Attention: If you really want your woman to have a wild time in bed, don’t isolate yourself to just a place or two on her body. Focus on all of her, kiss her hands, lick her navel, kiss her toes, the back of her neck and everywhere else. If she moans you know you’re doing the right thing.
End It With Love: Afterplay is just as important as foreplay for a woman. Cuddle after sex and talk to each other for a few minutes. Add in a few kisses and compliments and she’ll love you for the great guy you are.
* * *
You’ll notice I didn’t address the size and shape of male and female genitalia at all. I just didn’t see the need. Size can be important to some but in general I think it’s overrated. Big breasts, little breasts, big penis little penis . . . . So what! If you can successfully learn half of the items on the above list you’re likely to be a better lover regardless of size.
It’s time for another one of my boring journal entries. Today was the day I was to spend some real quality time with my better-half and a host of smarmy, smooth talking, used car salesmen. We spent the day driving from car dealership to car dealership, test driving, and sitting in way too many vehicles.
I’ve never been much of a car person. I never found it necessary as a young man to base my self-worth on the newness or expensiveness of a car. I’ve always had decent enough cars but never concerned myself with what others thought about the color, size, or coolness. Cars to me are just tools to be purchased, used, maintained and after a reasonable time, scrapped.
I’ve had so many different vehicles over the years I have a hard time remembering them all. So when assisting my better-half in obtaining another vehicle I’m what you might call, unemotional. Cars are either, poor, good, or very good based solely on mileage, comfort, and of course, cost. Not so for her though.
My better-half has an ability to fall into an immediate emotional relationship not just with cars but any inanimate object she comes in contact with. It drives me absolutely crazy. We first made a trip the body shop where the corpse of “her baby” was being stored. We were there to retrieve the license plates and to remove any of her remaining possessions. It was a short and silent ride to the lot and I jumped out immediately to begin the process. I began removing the plates and looking for other stuff as fast as I could. I wanted to get in, get the job done, and get out before she broke down and started crying. She did better than I expected but she was really hurting as we drove away for the final time. She actually rescued the cigarette lighter and stuffed it in her purse. Just another crazy keepsake for her Woman Cave.
Just after the accident she actually considered refusing the settlement from the insurance company, bringing the car home, and spending a great deal of money to repair it. It took me quite some time to explain that she was thinking about spending almost twice what the car was worth to repair it. Then we would have a ten year old partially rusted POS. I was on the verge of losing my freaking mind.
Thank God she finally was able to think it through and make the decision to move on with her life without “her baby”. Our day with the car dealerships was just as you would imagine, a lot of smooth talking BS mixed in with a few semi-truthful facts to help confuse the issue. We found a couple of possible candidates and hopefully within a week she’ll make her final decision. The accident was bad enough but another day of car hunting and car salesmen could persuade me to violence.
OMG
everyuselessthing.com 