I spend a great deal of my time these days adapting to a whole list of changes to my life I never anticipated or expected. I thought that as I grew older things would settle down somewhat and the amount of change I’d be forced to deal with would lessen. Wrong once again.
One obvious change that occurs to us all eventually is getting older. Adjusting to it sounds easy but as all of you will find out eventually, it isn’t. You must learn to adapt to your new position in society of being the older person, constantly accused by almost everyone with being out of touch with our current reality. Even people you know and love begin treating you differently and it can be hurtful.
Everyone assumes that once you reach a certain age you’re all of a sudden a mouth-breathing moron with no working memory. Snide little comments from loved ones are especially hurtful but you must learn to adapt. Some seniors become bitter and spiteful only because they can’t think of any better solutions. Those kind of actions just further that ugly senior stereotype that require the infamous eye-roll or the subtle shoulder shrug between people you’re talking to when you’re not looking. It’s disrespectful and rude but your hands are tied. If you confront them then your being old, difficult, and set in your ways. If you turn the other cheek it just makes the possibility of it occurring again much more likely.
So here’s a few tips for you seniors out there. Keep up with all of the Pop Culture nonsense so when someone in their teens or twenties mentions a celebrity you have a clue. Be able to talk about something other than your current medical conditions. Fight the stereotype everyday. If you take a backseat to discussions that make you uncomfortable that’s where you’ll be relegated to stay for the rest of your life.
Our past memories really don’t interest most people because "it’s all about them”. Only people your own age can appreciate many of the things from our youth and the drastic differences we now must deal with. It’s hard work to keep up with this balls-to-the-wall insanity we call our every day life. Spend time with people other than other seniors. Carry on meaningful conversations about politics, relationships, and child rearing. Not everything we remember is just old-folks reminiscing. We’ve already experienced this stull and can be helpful if we pass the information along intelligently and not preaching. No one likes to be preached to.
The following information should make most seniors smile. If read by anyone younger it would seem to them like they’ve been foraging through an archeological dig in Egypt and found a transcript of life in the days of old. Read on and learn something if you’re interested, if not don’t.
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HIGH SCHOOL — 1958 vs. 2013
Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1958 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2013 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1958 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2013 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They’re both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1958 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2013 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2013 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2013 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1958 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2013 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1958 – Ants die.
2013 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2013 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Is it any wonder why we at times choose to look back. This is the reason we occasionally reminisce and really, do you blame us. If I could go back and do my life over again I sure wouldn’t do it now, in this time and place. Just saying.
Maybe my lucks changing. After being flattened for almost a full week with some kind of flu I’m almost back to normal (whatever that is). Someone asked me if I was back to 100% yet and I could only smile. I stated the obvious that I hadn’t been a 100% since 1996. It was a vicious little virus that did a real job on everyone who was unlucky enough to catch it.
I started feeling much better and what did I hear next. Thunderstorm alerts and warnings for our immediate area. You might think that’s a bad thing but not for me. I freaking love thunderstorms. They started just as it was getting dark and they were beautiful. I wanted to sit out on the deck for a while but the rain was a little too intense for that. For almost three hours there was crackling lightning, heavy rains, and a howling wind. It was fantastic and I enjoyed every second of it. Unfortunately we get very few of these storms so I have to take the time to enjoy them when we do.
There wasn’t much else for the better-half and I to do but sit quietly, enjoy the storm, and talk about our day. I love our satellite TV system but even it can’t stand up to heavy rain like we were getting. It took hours for the signal to get through the heaviest of the downpours so we could be blessed with the standard list of reruns and crappy TV.
We’ve been buying more movies of late because of all the disappointing TV that just never seems to get any better. Recently during a weekend of free HBO and SHO I watched one of the recent ridiculous remakes of our beloved fairy tales, Snow White and the Huntsman. It wasn’t totally awful thanks to Charlize Theron but peppering our childhood tales with massive amounts of violence tends to make me uncomfortable and more than a little concerned for the young kids who are watching them.
As I was out shopping the next day I saw a sale for another insane remake of a fairy tale, Hansel and Gretel. I took a chance and paid good money for it. What a mistake. The entire story was so badly rewritten that I walked away and refused to watch the last twenty minutes. Badly used profanity by the female lead was laughable. I understand using appropriately blunt profanity to make a movie feel more authentic but this was just really stupid. It did seem they were setting it up at the end for a possible sequel but I hope that doesn’t happen. Two wrongs have never made a right and these two would be no exception. If you haven’t seen it, don’t waste your time or your money.
I can tell I’m on the mend because the urge to criticize has been growing steadily for the last few hours. I should be back in fighting form soon with my keyboard in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. Life will soon be good again.
Is it just me or does this Spring not impress. It was perfect if you like lots of rain, cool nights, and sweltering heat. I’m not really sure what I was hoping for or expecting but for some reason I feel disappointed. Coming out of our long winter here in Maine should have made just about anything acceptable but it didn’t seem to work for me this year. I have to say I feel a little let down.
Now that Summer has officially arrived what can we hope for? More sunshine would be nice, maybe some cooler weather, less humidity, and just enough rain to keep the yards and gardens healthy. That would be the ideal Summer but as we’ve come to realize of late, we almost never get what we expect weather-wise.
Why is it that we humans are never satisfied. All winter we moan and complain about the lack of sunshine and warmth. We bitch about the snow, the sleet, the freezing rain, and slush that seems to cover everything. It drives us totally crazy to be cooped up in the house getting on each others nerves for months on end. Then all of a sudden the weather changes and what happens. We haven’t even had enough time to put away our winter clothes before we’re already bitching about how hot it is. We continue that silliness into late October when things start to cool down in preparation for Winter. We can’t wait for some cooler temperatures to save us from the terrible heat. We have one snow fall and within hours we’re whining about the cold and wishing for Spring and Summer. It’s a conundrum I tell you.
I can only deduce that we as a species are really screwed up. We never appear completely happy or satisfied with anything, That would help explain a divorce percentage just over fifty percent. Maybe not, what the hell do I know. What I do know is that I’m just as bad as everyone else when it comes to these things and I see no hope of finding a workable solution. Am I a little depressed, why yes I think I am. Do I need a little help? Why yes I think I do. Let me think . . . . . . . . . .
Maybe I need a walk on the beach and a quick dip in the cool ocean water to wake me out of these Summer doldrums. A few dozen scantily clad bikini wearing young ladies might be just the thing to begin my healing. I can walk down the beach and have a few drinks at the Surf Side, enjoy their air conditioning for a hour or so, and then return to my blanket to relax and maybe read a few chapters of my favorite book. Another dip into the ocean and a few dozen more buxom young things prancing down the beach are beginning to make me feel a whole lot better. Who cares about the heat? Not me. I’m beginning to feel rather good.
Okay, just forget everything I said in those first few paragraphs because I was in the throws of depression and was totally wrong. I’ve suddenly rediscovered a few things that can snap me right back to normal almost immediately. Chant this along with me!
Give me a "T", drive me an "H", give me an "O", give me an "N", and a big freaking "G". C’mon Summer!
Have you ever had something piss you off so bad that you felt a sharp, stabbing pain behind your eyes. If you have then the following list will be perfect for you. I love reading lists and also love writing them from time to time. Most people are occasionally annoying but on their really bad days they make my list. These items have started this Summer Season with a vengeance.
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People who love to talk over me during a conversation make me want to scream.
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The person in front of me at the 14 item express register checkout with fifty items in his cart and a bad attitude when confronted.
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Waiting in my car at the ATM for fifteen minutes for some moron on foot makes a withdrawal.
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The guy in the men’s room stall at Wal-mart who leaves the stall in a condition that some people (but not me) might call a real “shit hole”.
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The attractive woman driving the gorgeous new Lexus who rolls down her window and spits a huge oyster into the passing lane. When you then look at her she resorts to giving you the dreaded “finger”.
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People who will stand quietly in line at a movie theatre but can’t shut up once the movie starts.
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People who have something important to tell me and then send me a four word text.
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People who are “close talkers” with chronic “stench” breath who won’t stop talking.
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Waiting endlessly in a register line for a customer to be trained in the use of their debit card by the cashier.
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People who insist on telling me their child is an honor student in some BS school with a freaking bumper sticker.
I feel much better now that I’ve gotten all of these off my chest. It’s a very cathartic experience to say the least and just might keep me from hurting myself and others.
Welcome to a new day. As promised yesterday I’ll be giving you the answers to the ten mystery music trivia questions. I imagine getting the right answers without cheating and using Google or Bing was difficult. As my collection of totally useless information continues to accumulate I’ll be testing your knowledge of many different subjects. One of the things I like best about collecting trivia is that it’s fun and even interesting at times. Here’s your answers, I hope you did well.
1. In 1926, the police raided Mae West Broadway show ‘Sex’ and jailed her on vice charges. What did the rise wisecracking blonde sexpot claim when she was freed after serving 8 days of her 10 day sentence?
A: That it was the only time she ever got anything for good behavior.
2. Who was the first person ever awarded a gold record?
A: Glenn Miller, for Chattanooga Choo-Choo.
3. What singer named Clara Ann Fowler at birth adopted the name of the milk company that sponsored her first radio show?
A: Patti Page. The company was the Page Milk Company of Tulsa, Oklahoma.
4. What famous entertainer was known as Annie Mae Bullock before she adopted her stage name?
A: Actress-Singer, Tina Turner.
5. The singing duo of Caesar and Cleo only achieved fame under another name. What was it?
A: Sonny and Cher.
6. Country music comedienne, Minnie Pearl, always wore a hat with a price tag on it when she performed. What was the amount written on the price tag?
A: $1.98
7. Who was the only cast member of the hit rock musical Hair who refused to shed her clothes in the nude closing number?
A: Diane Keaton
8. What top rock group took it’s name from a song by blues great Muddy Waters?
A: The Rolling Stones. Water’s song, of course, was "Rolling Stone".
9. Under what name did New Wave singer-songwriter Declan McManus gain fame?
A: Elvis Costello
10. What famous singer, after receiving an honorary degree from Georgetown University, enrolled as a freshman and earned a BA in Theology?
A: Pearl Bailey. She received her BA in 1985 after seven years as a part-time student.
As you already know I really love passing on my never-ending lists of totally useless crap to my readers. I hope it helps make all of you moderately good Trivial Pursuit players as well as the winner of many a bar wager. I thought I’d take a somewhat different approach this time and make things a bit more interesting.
Usually I just supply the facts for you to enjoy but not today. I had a few readers give me some grief recently about never having any interesting facts from the music sector. The following ten questions need answered and it’s up to each of you to provide them. Are you up for the challenge? Even if you’re a true musical aficionado these music related questions should challenge even you. I’ll supply the answers tomorrow so let’s see just how good your trivia skills really are.
1. In 1926, the police raided Mae West Broadway show ‘Sex’ and jailed her on vice charges. What did the wisecracking blonde sexpot claim when she was freed after serving 8 days of her 10 day sentence?
2. Who was the first person ever awarded a gold record?
3. What singer named Clara Ann Fowler at birth adopted the name of the milk company that sponsored her first radio show?
4. What famous entertainer was known as Annie Mae Bullock before she adopted her stage name?
5. The singing duo of Caesar and Cleo only achieved fame under another name. What was it?
6. Country music comedienne, Minnie Pearl, always wore a hat with a price tag on it when she performed. What was the amount written on the price tag?
7. Who was the only cast member of the hit rock musical ‘Hair’ who refused to shed her clothes in the nude closing number?
8. What top rock group took it’s name from a song by blues great Muddy Waters?
9. Under what name did New Wave singer-songwriter Declan McManus gain fame?
10. What famous singer, after receiving an honorary degree from Georgetown University, enrolled as a freshman and earned a BA in Theology?
I told you they weren’t easy. I’m guessing anyone who scores more than five correct answers really knows their stuff. Check back tomorrow for the answers. I think you’ll find them interesting.
I guess I need to apologize for the short and uninformative posting yesterday. My state of mind was kind of like a weather report on the evening news: Higher temperatures expected this evening with intermittent diarrhea and vomiting. Tomorrow’s forecast looks much better with lower temperatures and calm and clear conditions (I hope).
My better-half has accused me in the past of being a cynical SOB who is skeptical about everyone and everything. I have to agree with her to a point but I prefer the term pragmatic which sounds a little better. With that in mind I’m trying to look at this bout of flu or virus from a different perspective. I’ll pretend to be the optimistic and happy-go-lucky kind of guy my better-half wishes me to be.
Here goes. For most of the day I was in and out of sleep and running a fairly high temperature. I was dreaming and conscious most of the time but not really making much sense of things. As bad as I felt I found that special something that my better-half has been preaching to me about. I’m happy, proud, and honored to announce that I spent some quality time in a classroom with Sir Isaac Newton. His hair was a little strange looking but the conversation was educational and informative. I won’t go into specifics because they’re still a little fuzzy and hard to remember. Dreams are like like.
The second good thing about this illness was a little harder to discover but being the new and improved optimistic SOB I’ve become I finally figured it out. Weight loss. I’ve lost close to six pounds in less than three days and I didn’t have to hit the gym or participate in any physical activity. That’s a true statement if you don’t consider projectile vomiting a form of exercise. I know I sure don’t.
So, excellent and historically incorrect dreams along with a six pound weight loss. It really can’t get much better than that says my better-half. I hate to burst her rose-colored-glasses bubble but I have no choice. As much as I like meeting a long dead scientist and losing six pounds of ugly fat, it still wasn’t worth it. In my humble opinion being optimistic is highly overrated. I plan on staying just the way I am and the hell with Isaac Newton, a few pounds of weight loss, and my ever so optimistic better-half.
The morale of the story is simple: "Being sick sucks!"
This is going to be a very short posting due to this stomach virus I happened to catch from one of my ever loving family members. Between bouts of projectile vomiting I’m trying to write this so it makes some sense.
I wish I could pinpoint the person who infected me and you can be sure on one thing, revenge will be sweet, I promise.
I’m about a month away from completing my fifth year of retirement. I think a celebration of sorts is called for because this has been one of the most difficult transitions I’ve ever had to make.
I’ve always been someone who readily adapted to change. I’ve lived in many places over the years as required by my jobs and I worked my way up the corporate ladder twice with two different national companies. I had hopes of a great retirement and pension but unfortunately both companies were purchased by other companies and neither survived that purchase. You adjust because you must. When there is no choice at all you pick yourself up and get back to work.
Fortunately that was one of the things my father made sure I had. I had no fear of hard work and I also had a killer work ethic. I worked my ass off for thirty years, 6 days a week, tons of travel, and change, change, change. I started three business over the years and had reasonable successes with two and failed miserably in the third. Shut up, get up, and keep on keeping on.
Making the change to early retirement was something I never thought I would get to do. I’d already excepted the fact that I’d be working until they found me slumped at my desk or in my car. As in all things timing is everything. After the failure of my two most important employers I took a public service position with the State of Maine. My fear of having another company hire me and then fail had sent me there. Whoever heard of a State going bankrupt?
The State of Maine surprised me a little. They didn’t go bankrupt but they did call me in to tell me my work load was going to increase by 30% without a comparable wage increase. I received a confidential call a short time later from a friend in the state capital who told me my position was on the chopping within two months. I had no choice and was lucky enough to be able take early retirement before the axe fell. Hooray for me right?
Making the transition from workaholic to retiree was the worst. I made the change immediately by giving Goodwill all of my suits, shirts, ties, and dress shoes. I threw away my wrist watch because it was no longer something I needed. It took at least eighteen months to find a comfortable rhythm for my life and to end the depression I was suffering with.
I hate making this sound like a sad story because it isn’t. I’m retired for God’s sake. How can I possibly be whining? I found these quotes recently that just made me laugh not because they’re all that funny but because they’re all so true. My sense of humor has gotten through a lot of change and it’s things like these quotes that really help.
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The money is no better in retirement but the hours are! — Author Unknown
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"According to your latest data if you retire today, you can live reasonably well until 5 p.m. tomorrow."— Dave Erhard
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My retirement plan is to find a shopping cart with good snow tires.
— Patty Doyle
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‘The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.’ Anonymous
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‘When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.’ R C Sherriff.
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‘It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.’ Scott Elledge.
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‘There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!’ Groucho Marx
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Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did – Malcolm Forbes
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Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did – Robert Benchley
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What do gardeners do when they retire? – Bob Monkhouse
I love being retired. It gives a lot of freedom to do all those things I said I was going to do but never did. I spend most of my time concerned with the care and feeding of my better-half who is still caught up in the rat race. I try to be her stress reliever and to keep her as happy as I can. I may bitch and complain about a lot of things but my life is good. I’m what my Dad used to describe as, “fat (not too much), dumb, and happy”.
Today was all about relaxing. My better-half and I decided to just take the day, go where we please, relax a little, and we did just that. We had a great breakfast at home and then headed for the coast to snap some pictures. As expected traffic was heavier than usual with the influx of tourist beginning to increase. The summer season is almost upon us.
Our first stop was the Portland Head Light which is a light house on a point of land at the entry to Portland harbor. This is a favorite spot for tourists from all over the country if the license plates we saw today were any indication. My luck much be changing because just as we drove past the main entrance someone pulled out and left me the best damn parking spot you can get. We took plenty of pictures, spent some time in the gift shop, and then near the water watching the boats come and go. It’s a very relaxing place and the adjacent park was filled with kids and parents flying kits, throwing Frisbees, and playing ball. It was very nice.
We then left the park and drove through the suburbs of Portland and headed northwest out of the city. We drove at least a hundred miles in a large circle covering a large portion of southern Maine. We stopped to shop in a number of antique shops because I was hot to buy something today. Unfortunately for me my better-half was not. We saw many really cool things but ended up buying nothing at all. I found a working Dictaphone circa 1865 with a number of wax cylinders still intact and workable. It was in beautiful condition and I had a hard time walking away from it. For $150.00 it could have been all mine. It still may be mine. My better-half returns to wok tomorrow which may force me drive back to that shop and make the purchase anyway. Should I or shouldn’t I? I’ll know tomorrow when I get out of bed.
We had a great day together and it gave us a chance to reconnect after a few weeks of her hectic work schedule. We antiqued a little and then stopped along the road to see some lambs and take their pictures. I also got some great shots of my better-half chasing a flock of turkeys through a farmers field trying to snap pictures while running. It was really funny and I’ve got it all on my camera to be used later to embarrass her. Life is good.
We returned home tired but relaxed. She’s back to work tomorrow where the stress will start working on her all over again. Since this was my official Fathers Day celebration I was happy as I could be. Steaks on the grill later, a nice glass of wine or two, and hopefully a restful nights sleep afterwards. If you get my drift.
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