Archive for the ‘christmas’ Tag
Everyone these days is constantly harping for me to partake of this festival celebrating the birth of Christ. Just to let most of you know, I’m what I would call a recovering Catholic. I was baptized and confirmed against my will at a young age but was able to distance myself over the next few decades. I feel I’ve gained a better perspective of things and since I’ve never rejoined the church you may consider me a righteous religious independent.
That explains my position towards organized religion and the related holidays they claim as their own. In an attempt to be fair I decided to do a little research into Christmas to determine if it was the actual birthday of Jesus Christ. It didn’t take terribly long to find out that December 25th is not the correct date of the birth but one selected by the Catholic Church to compete with certain other pagan celebrations that also took place in December. As best I could determine the actual season of Jesus’s birth was thought to be sometime in the spring. The church in its infinite wisdom took the same approach to scheduling that holiday as they do in handling everything else. They make it church doctrine regardless of the facts and their billions of believers follow right along.
In the early years of the American colonies, Christmas was considered a pagan festival and wasn’t too well received by the colonists. There was even a time between 1659 and 1681 in Massachusetts where anyone caught celebrating Christmas would be fined five shillings. Our current war on Christmas and religion led by our socialist friends at the ACLU pales in comparison to that carried on by our colonist forefathers.
I think my problem of developing a true Christmas spirit has finally been solved. I dislike the materialistic style of Christmas that many people celebrate these days and I’ve always disliked anything forced on me by any organized religion but the pagan holidays I think I can get on board with.
I’d make a great pagan. I love really big bonfires, and long’s slinky robes, and even the occasional orgy or two. Say what you want about those pagans, they really know how to party. I’m sure there are many pagans in this country who maintain a really low profile due to all of the hateful and discriminatory things said about them over the years by the Christians. I truly feel their pain and still don’t understand why “we all can’t just get along”. Special thanks to Rodney King for that quote, he was always my hero and role model.
So take heart all you pagans, stand up, be recognized, and be proud of your rich heritage. I think next year I’m going to start a campaign for the creation of a new holiday where all of those people who feel disenfranchised by their organized religions can jump on board my pagan bandwagon. We’ll have Christmas trees but just so we can set them on fire because everyone knows it’s no fun to dance and frolic naked in the dark. I also hear that dancing naked around bonfires in December can be a bit hazardous. The pagans report a huge increase in frostbite occurrences during the holidays, so be careful out there.
I’m starting to get that old tingle of holiday cheer again. You just never know when you’re going stumble into a genuine religious epiphany. It’s a freaking Christmas miracle and I’ve been saved.
The Christmas season has taken an unusual and unexpected turn. I’m all for enjoying our local traditions but never in a million years did I expect to have an Indian Christmas. That’s Indian with a dot on the forehead not the Apache’s or Iroquois.
I mentioned yesterday we were were in the process of receiving between eight and ten inches of fresh, lovely, and white snow. A magnificent White Christmas was upon us. Wrong again. What I wasn’t expecting was the three inches of rain that followed and the four foot deep flooded backyard. It’s monsoon season here in Maine and nobody told me it was coming. Our White Christmas has been washed away leaving the gray and dismal landscape that no one wants to see. I suppose that a Christmas day that was to be filled with those holiday films that my better-half loves so much will be replaced by a few selections of Bollywood favorites. How about Lage Raho Munna Bhai a perennial favorite or Chala Murari Hero Banne, a real lover of dance toe tapper.
Maybe I’ll have my better-half dress in a pair of harem pants and do a dance for me before dinner around the Christmas tree. That would certainly surprise, please, and possibly frighten our visiting family members. It would also give excellent photo opportunities for next years family Christmas card. I have to say that with proper lighting and the camera at just the right angle she could be mistaken for a somewhat older version of Aishwarya Rai. Whatever you do don’t tell her I said that because her ego’s already over inflated.
Enough of my ramblings. We’re off for our final shopping safari to pick up a few last minute gifts. Just when I thought I was finished with this craziness I’m dragged back into it by the obsessed Christmas elf. Hopefully sometime this morning she will just run out of money. That would be nothing short of spectacular.
I’m having a good day so far. No Christmas carols playing in my head and no Christmas movies on the tube. Unfortunately I have the song O Womaniya running through my brain. It’s a special and popular selection from that Bollywood blockbuster, Gangs of Wasseypur. I really need to go to bed earlier and to stay away from that Indian movie channel.
Six more shopping days until Christmas. I’ll need to pick up a box of ‘diyas’ to keep my Indian Christmas theme alive. For those you who don’t know, ‘diyas’ are small candles used for decorating the home during Indian Christmas celebrations. Goodbye for now.
Christmas Ki Khushiyan Mubarak Ho
Well today’s December 16th, leaving eight more shopping days till Christmas. I’ve been trying desperately to find a little more Christmas spirit but it’s been difficult. In years past I never bothered to make much of an effort because I didn’t care all that much.
My better-half has been doing her best to get me going and last night she decided a trip to Walmart was necessary. She seemed to think that if I listen to some Christmas music and check out some possible gifts, I’ll get that old feeling back. That included of course a cruise through the toy department looking for gifts for her new grandson who’s all of two months old.
We arrived with the best of intentions but as most of you know Walmart makes me crazy year-round not just at Christmas. The lunatic fringe was out in droves shopping their asses off and wearing Christmas outfits that were not only indescribable but worthy of immediate arrest for felony bad taste. I know one thing for sure, I’m not a big fan of the recent fad at Walmart of wearing pajamas pants to shop in. Not only is it a stupid thing to do but OMG could they find anything uglier to wear. I saw no less than five somewhat normal looking human beings wearing them and of course they were all women.
As we entered the Toy Department I suddenly found myself in a new and unfamiliar situation. I was being made to shop for a two month old child’s toys. Doesn’t my better-half realize that the new grand child is still trying to focus his eyes and to figure out what those five things are at the end of each of his arms. I decided to go along with it but immediately discovered what I mistake I’d made. OMG there were freaking toys as far as the eye could see. In the car I indicated that possibly a Lego set would be something to consider but there must have been a hundred freaking Lego sets filling two aisles. My head was spinning just trying to take it all in.
A short distance down the aisle were a young married couple and their child’s grandparents. They weren’t actually fighting but the discussion was a bit heated. If those four already experienced parents and grandparents couldn’t figure these things out, what chance did I have. That would be absolutely NONE. I went through the motions for another twenty minutes and we eventually left empty handed. Another twenty minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
As we left Walmart the unthinkable began happening. What’s Christmas without an effing snow storm. The radio weather experts tell me that by tomorrow we’ll have 6-10 inches of accumulation. Yippee! I think I’ll go home and find my snow shoveling gear and my magic shovel.
I’M SLOWLY SLIDING TOWARDS THE “I HATE CHRISTMAS” ZONE, HELP ME!
I’ve never been accused of being overly sentimental but on a number of occasions I’ve been told by friends and family members that I was anti-Santa and had no Christmas spirit. I never took those kinds of criticisms to heart because I know they weren’t always factual. Unless you’ve been in an intimate relationship with someone you just can”t honestly make those kind of assumptions or so I thought.
Since it’s the Christmas season and everyone is alleged to be happy and jolly I thought I would pass some of my happy and jolly along to the rest of you to explain those terrible but true accusations.
I was accused many years ago of being a Bah Humbug and a holiday hater. Unfortunately at that time I was. I worked during at that time for a national toy company and Christmas was considered our life blood, it was a freaking nightmare. We began planning for Christmas in early June every year and it was the constant drumbeat every effing day until the following January. It lasted until January because that was when all of the phony people returned the so-so gifts they were given because they sucked and they just wanted cash. I worked there for thirteen long, long, long, Christmas seasons.
Normal people spend approximately one month a year with the holidays constantly on their minds and almost all of them are exhausted in January and glad to have them over with for another year. So in my thirteen years with the Child World\/Children’s Palace chain I was blessed with effing Christmas cheer for a total of 104 months. For you math majors in the audience that equates to over a century of Christmases that I’ve been blessed with. Red and green ribbons, gifts, toys, pissed off customers, bratty little shits, drunken Santa’s, and a long stream of six day work weeks. You bet your ass I hated Christmas. My skin would actually crawl when I heard Silent Night or Deck the Freaking Halls.
I don’t remember most Februaries during that time because I was asleep. It took me until April to get back to normal just in time to begin preparations for the next Christmas. It was a Holly Jolly hell and I felt I was being punished for something awful I did in another life. I’d been convinced by karma that I was at one time, some where, in another life, a no good bastard whose was still paying for all of his misdeeds.
Now to the present. I still suffer through Christmas but every once in a while I feel a stab of sentimentality. When my better-half runs crazily through the house wearing stupid reindeer antlers or when her kids show up unexpectedly to surprise her with a Christmas visit, I feel the love. This year will be extra special and I’m already feeling the tug on my heart strings for the new grand child. To me Christmas has always been for the young children. Having this new young family member will most certainly keep the true spirit of Christmas alive for us for many years to come.
So to you all, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and a great big BAH HUMBUG from me.
I’m feeling a little more upbeat today and I think my shopping trip yesterday may have helped a bit. I was searching diligently for my missing Christmas spirit and just when I found a little of it I lost it again immediately. An hour or two in a crowded mall getting elbowed and pushed around by damn near everyone can make that happen. People are scurrying everywhere and willing to kick your ass to get at something they want before you do. I was feeling non-combative so I stayed out of the line of fire and attempted to shop in a few stores. It does appear that common courtesy goes right out the window when it comes to Christmas shopping, especially in this Mall.
I should mention, this was the Mall that fired their Santa Clause last week because he was rude to the kids and their parents. A rude Santa in this Mall seems to me to be the ultimate irony. They should set up a kiosk here somewhere selling copies of the “Bad Santa” movie. I’m sure it would be a huge hit with all these intolerant and rude people roaming around. It’s ironic as hell that rude shoppers from this Mall caused the Santa to be fired for being rude. How utterly stupid.
I stood in Best Buy for the longest time trying to find an associate to help me but I wasn’t pissed about the wait since the place was a freaking zoo. Bad economy be damned as I watched IPods, IPads, tablets, and anything else you can think of going out the door in huge numbers. I’ve heard rumors that Best Buy has been having difficulties in this economy and closed stores that were unprofitable. In my humble opinion they’re just a showroom for all of those Internet companies like Amazon. You go on line and find the item you want. You then run to Best Buy, check out the item and get your questions answered, and then return home to order it on line where the price is cheaper. They have their work cut out for them if they want to survive as a viable company.
I went to the Mall office and attempted to fill out an application for the currently vacant position of Santa. No one took me seriously which really hurt my feelings. I explained that I have the unusual ability to tell parents and their kids to “piss off” without actually saying it. A smile and a pat on the head and off they go. They don’t realize they’ve been insulted until after they return home and even then they’re not really sure. My secret dream of being Santa just wasn’t meant to be. I’m going to try again next year after I spend a full year honing my rudeness skills to a level that will permit me to survive amongst the customers here.
HO!, HO!, EFFING HO!
I’ve spent a few Christmases away from home while in the Army and unless you’ve experienced it personally, it can be a real heart breaker. This year we have more of our men and women overseas than ever and they have our sincerest thanks and sympathies. It’s a tough job to serve and the separation from family and friends makes it even tougher. I was sent this poem a few years ago and it’s still a good read. If I remember correctly the author, Mr. Jones, was on active duty when it was written. It still poignant and will help us all “Remember the Troops”.
They Won’t Be Home For Christmas
– by Del “Abe” Jones
Another year, American Heroes
Are fighting in a foreign land
But hopefully, with an end in sight
To this part of life they hadn’t planned.
They do their duty without question
And they all stand proud and tall
They are placed there in harm’s way
As they answer, our Country’s call.
They’ll get by the best they can
And improvise ingenious ways
To find a way to celebrate
The meaning of the Holidays.
Peace on Earth, good will towards men
Is really, kinda hard to do
When all around, there are folks
Whose only wish, is to kill you.
There are far too many families
Who will never again know the joy
That the Christmastime can bring
And cruel, wartime can destroy.
The lucky will return back home
But lives will never be the same
Forever changed in heart and mind
By humankind’s unholy game.
They won’t be home for Christmas
And sadly, some will never be
But all of them will share one thing
That’s the war Hero’s legacy.
So as you gather ’round the tree
With your loved ones by your side
Think about those, over there?
While you enjoy, your Yuletide.
As young children our parents made every attempt to make Christmas memorable for my sister and me. When my sister was very young and I was almost six I still firmly believed the tales of Santa and his elves and all that good stuff. But in the back of my young mind I secretly was beginning to have doubts. A lot of what I was being told by the family wasn’t what I was hearing on the street (at school). My friends had almost convinced me that Santa was BS and that my parents were actually the gift givers.
My folks apparently began to suspect I was wavering and that their propaganda was falling on deaf ears. In a conspiracy involving my mother’s sister, Anna Mae, they decided drastic action was needed. I’d been acting out a bit and being a little disrespectful so it was time for Santa to straighten me out.
It was about a week before Christmas and we were visiting at my grandparents home and as usual I was a being a huge pain in the ass like most six year olds. It was just after dark and I was walking through the house to the kitchen. As I passed the window in the hall I glanced over and almost crapped my pants. Santa was standing outside and looking right at me and smiling. I ran upstairs and hid under the bed and refused to come out until the coast was clear. My parents let me know in no uncertain terms that Santa was looking for those children who weren’t being good.
I cleaned up my act fast and became their little angel again. I have to admit I was a little shaky after dark and afraid to look out the windows for quite a while. Santa the terrorist had accomplished his mission. I saw him on two or three other occasions during the next two years, once at our home, and again in the cellar of my grandparents house but unfortunately I was already a confirmed non-believer. I went along with the charade for my sister’s sake and to avoid a smack on the ass if I told her the truth. By then I knew my parents were the ones I needed to suck up to and I did it in grand fashion.
Many years later while I was digging through a trunk in my aunts bedroom I discovered where Santa had been hiding. His retirement consisted of being hidden under a pile of sheets and pillow cases in that old trunk. My aunt laughed like crazy when I confronted her and we both enjoyed the moment very much.
What I never told her or my parents was the lingering collateral damage from their actions. To this day during the Christmas season I’m careful in dark rooms and try never to look out the windows. In the mall or in stores where Santa is holding court, I stay the hell away. That guy still scares the bejesus out of me.
We’re getting down to the wire with all of the preparations for our trip. Now that we’re ready to go I just want to get going. I’ve always been a huge pain in the butt as so many family members have told me because I tend get a bit impatient and it makes me make them crazy.
I’m wrapping the last of the gifts for my family members because I’d like to get them into the mail as soon as I can. I don’t like waiting too long because my faith in the US Postal Service isn’t what it once was.
There’s one thing that I do every year which makes a great gift for a few lucky family members. I started doing it three years ago and it might be something you’d like to try. I’ve been ordering customized postage stamps through stamps.com. You upload a photograph which they then print as stamps. It’s pretty cool, really easy to do, and everyone seems to love them. I’m not doing a promo or anything for them but I think it might be worth a quick look.
Today was a first for me. I went shopping for baby clothes. OMG who knew there were so many choices. It was only recently I discovered what a onesy is. Who knew? It also appears that infants grow faster than the clothes you initially bought for them. My better-half purchased a few outfits just after the grandson was born and he’s already out grown them and they’ve never been worn. His parents have been hinting about having another child within a year or two which makes regifting a real possibility. I’ll just have to cross my fingers and hope they have another son and that the outfits we purchased haven’t gone out of style.
I just was thinking how much fun playing with, talking about, and buying clothes for babies can be when they’re not yours. There’s a lot to be said for being a step-grandparent and being able to send them home with their parents after each visit. I suspect that will change in the near future when we become the get-away spot for him when he gets pissed at his parents or vice versa. Can’t wait. My grand mother was that person for me when I was growing up so I can appreciate every little kid having a place to go for some hugs and kisses and no scolding.
Back at the computer early today since I’ve many errands to run in anticipation of our journey to the great state of Maryland. I need the car serviced and a good washing and vacuuming wouldn’t hurt much either. I have to check in with the house sitters too and make sure they arrive on time.
I thought I’d give you an quick update on “the car in the woods” incident I mentioned yesterday. I ran across across the road and found the car about fifteen feet into the trees and wedged between two of them. It appeared the driver was crossing a sheet of ice when his passenger side tire slid off onto the berm. As many people do he overcorrected to regain control, spun around and shot right back into the woods. He was uninjured but really pissed off about the whole situation. Damage to the car appeared minimal but he removed a few large pieces of bark from a tree or two with his side doors. He was really lucky not to have been injured but he sure didn’t see it that way.
My better-half and I finished decorating the house with her Christmas knick-knacks and paddy-wacks on every surface of every piece of furniture. The tree looks nice after an hour or two of attempting to get the freaking lights operational. Last year we decided to change over to the old, large, multicolor retro style lights. They look absolutely gorgeous but I’d be afraid to use them on a live tree. They throw off so much heat they’d dry a live tree out in no time. Fortunately were went artificial on the tree a few years back.
Christmas fever has consumed my better-half and she insists on taking me along for the ride. As we were decorating I was strong-armed into watching five straight hours of Christmas movies. Argggg! Who needs waterboarding? Sheer effing torture while she dances around the living room singing along with every tune. I hope she purchased that noise cancelling headset I asked her for. It’ll get more use than my car.
Well, I’m off to do my errands and maybe take a few photos along the way. Twenty-one days and counting.
I seem to be stuck in an after Thanksgiving holiday slow-motion this morning. As previously predicted I spent most of yesterday decorating the tree and being a somewhat silent helper to my better-half’s decorating efforts. Drink some wine, nob my head yes, drink some more wine, and nod my head yes again. It’s a tough job but someone has to do it. Most of my opinions are those head nods but I’ll stand up and be heard if she does sometime totally tasteless. Of course that never ever happens, honest. I have the blah’s today but this seems to occur every year around this time. I’ll eventually get a little excited about the holidays, but not too much. Christmas ceased being my favorite holiday the first year I got mostly clothes for gifts. It hasn’t felt the same since.
Growing up my folks weren’t well off and money was always an issue but regardless the gifts for us kids were always cool. My first double holstered cap pistols, my first grown up bicycle, and my first chemistry set. One year my Mom painted my bedroom walls with planets and rocket ships because she knew way back then I was destined to be a science-fiction nerd. Just so you know, she was right, I still am. A few years later I got an honest to God set of paints and brushes and made my first Christmas cards. They were highly praised by all of my overly kind and biased relatives. Just so you know, hundreds of paintings, sculptures, collages, and sketches later, I’m still a happily and struggling artist.
It feels awfully good to reminisce and it helps put things back into their proper perspective as Christmas approaches. I’d like to chat further but I just heard a very loud crash from outside. It appears some NASCAR wannabe hit a sheet of ice on the road and is now sitting quietly in his car sitting in the woods across the road from my house. He appears uninjured but I’d better check. HO! HO! HO!
everyuselessthing.com 