Archive for the ‘fun’ Tag
A week or so ago I posted a collection of riddles which could be described as a bit raunchy. Much to my surprise the response was amazing. It appears that a little off-color humor is being appreciated by more people than just me. I’ll continue with a few more gems to tickle your fancy. Let’s time travel to 1984 . . .
- How do you circumcise a whale? Send down fore skin divers!
- Who was a heavyweight boxing champion with a flatulence problem? Gaseous Clay!
- Why is credit like sex? Because the people who need it the worst can’t get it!
- What happens if you don’t pull out in time? You get a parking ticket!
- Why does an elephant have four feet? He’d look pretty silly with just six inches!
- What would you call a sex change surgeon? A gender amender!
- What does a mathematician do if he’s constipated? Works it out with a pencil!
- How do you make holy water? Take some water and boil the hell out of it!
- Why is sex better than bowling? The balls are lighter and you don’t have to change your shoes!
- What’s the easiest way to get a little group sex? Use both hands!
HAVE A RAUNCHY DAY!
I started this blog initially to post as much useless information as I could find. Over the years I’ve wandered far afield into limericks, quotations, poetry, and dozens of other categories. I thought today I’d return to the roots of this blog and give you a handful of totally useless but interesting facts.
- Dolly Parton once insured her breasts for $3 million.
- Scarlett Johansson, Alanis Morrissette, Vin Diesel, and Kiefer Sutherland are all twins.
- Kirk Douglas was a lieutenant in the U.S. Navy and saw action in the Pacific before internal injuries suffered in combat led to an early discharge.
- Dr. Timothy Leary of LSD fame was expelled from West Point after a drinking incident that led to a court-martial.
- Actress Kate Winslet had the nickname of “Blubber” in her early school days.
- Nicolas Cage was expelled from elementary school, for putting dead grasshoppers in the egg salad on picnic day.
- In high school Sylvester Stallone was voted “Most Likely to End Up in the Electric Chair”.
- Keanu Reeves was the goalie on his high school ice hockey team, where he earned the nickname “The Wall” and where he was voted MVP.
- Ellen DeGeneres was once a vacuum cleaner saleswoman.
- In 1993, Barbra Streisand got stuck in the toilet at Liza Minnelli’s apartment during a party. Fellow guests Jack Nicholson and Michael Douglas couldn’t break down the door, so the buildings porter had come up to release her.
AS PROMISED – TOTALLY USELESS INFORMATION
I’m a bit of a fanatic using quotes on many of my posts since I normally use them to further verify a point or opinion I’m trying to make. I’m a believer than even though many of the persons I quote are long dead, their opinions and thoughts are still valid. Human nature unfortunately doesn’t change all that much from one generation to another. Back in the day there were just as many annoying a-holes as there are today. The funny thing is they express their a-holeness in exactly the same way. This just further supports my use of them whenever I deem it necessary. Not all quotes are friendly and nice and there are just as many derogatory things said about damn near everyone as not. Let’s take a look at a few not so flattering quotes concerning men by a group of less than happy women.
- “A man is a creature with two legs and eight arms.” Jayne Mansfield
- “God created Adam. Then corrected her mistake.” Brooklyn Woman’s Bar Association
- “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” Charlotte Whitton
- “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” Gloria Steinem
- “I married beneath me. All women do.” Nancy Astor
- “A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.” Anonymous
- “The man is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.” Jilly Cooper, Cosmopolitan Magazine
- “I require three things on the man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.” Dorothy Parker
- “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” Zsa Zsa Gabor
- “Adam came first, but men always do.” Anonymous
THE WAR OF THE SEXES CONTINUES
I’m feeling somewhat sarcastic today. That shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows me because I’ve been accused by many of using sarcasm every time I open my mouth. I can’t deny that accusation because it’s mostly true. I use sarcasm as both a weapon and also for defense against ignorance and noitallism. Noitallism is a word I’ve created to describe a common malady among certain people who think they know everything and can’t wait to rub your nose in their vast quantity of knowledge. It’s an ongoing game of verbal chess that I really do enjoy. Those of us who live for sarcasm have an interesting way of thinking as reflected by our sarcastic definitions of common words. Here are a few examples:
- AARP: American Association of Retired Persons. An organization that sends out welcome letters to people over 50 to remind them that they will soon be dead.
- ACADEMY AWARD: Recognition of achievement in the motion picture industry. Given annually to a group of people who are 100 times prettier, richer, and more popular than you will ever be or have any hope of being.
- ABS: A part of the human body that can, apparently in only minutes a day as part of this exclusive TV offer, become rock hard.
- ACNE: Nature’s way of telling you that you are not quite ready to have sex.
- ADULT: What you become when you finally give up drinking, sleeping around, and bouncing from job to job. Also known as the kill-me-now syndrome.
- BANK: A place to enjoy waiting in line when you can’t make it to the post office.
- COFFEE: A laxative that you can buy in the same place that sells croissants.
- EROTIC: Titillating, causing arousal. In other words, all the things you have to picture to look like you’re enjoying it with someone who would never let you do the things you’re picturing.
- FOREPLAY: Two minutes of boring displays of affection that must be endured if you want to get to the good stuff.
- FRIEND: A person you use to pass the time between relationships.
- INTERESTING: A word meaning “I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to say.”
- LIKE: A word that somewhere in the late 20th century began to be used as the connective tissue in all spoken sentences, despite the fact that the words on either side of it need nothing to connect them in the first place.
- LOVE: A deep and abiding affection that compels you to go to the bitter end with someone you should probably have ditched at the altar.
- SHAME: The realization that nobody else thinks the thing you were caught doing was as wholesome as you thought it was.
There you have it folks, your first introduction to some of the new and improved sarcastic definitions. A special thanks goes out to the VP of sarcasm, James Napoli, and all of us sarcastic SOB’s that seem to piss off just about everyone.
SARCASM RULES!
I just received a request from a reader to post something lighthearted and fun for a change. Since I’m neither lighthearted nor funny, I did some research and found a small paperback book hidden on a bookshelf behind some others. It’s titled Raunchy Riddles and after reading a few entries I know why it was hidden. I suppose it could be considered lighthearted and funny but that would be stretching the truth a little. This is 1980’s humor at its absolute worst. This post is dedicated to that foolish reader who requested it. Here we go!
- What do you use to make a pickle cake? Dill Dough!
- What would you call a sex change in Puerto Rico? A hole in Juan!
- What’s the best thing to do if you’re on a date with an annoying nymphomaniac? Give her a vibrator and tell her to buzz off!
- What happened to the couple that met through the social disease hotline? They lived “herpily ever after!”
- What’s the best part of a porno movie? The coming attractions!
- What should you do if your date won’t make love with the lights on? Close the car door!
- What did one boob say to the other? “We’d better stop hanging so low, they’ll think we’re nuts!”
- What happens if a lady golfer gets hit with a golf ball between the first and the second hole? It doesn’t leave a lot of room for the Band-Aid!
- How did the four guys carry the huge drunken fat girl out of the bar? Two abreast!
- What’s a hamburger kiss? Between the buns!
There you have it folks, some of the worst humor of the mid-1980s. The more I read the fewer I decided to post and believe it or not the above ten were the least objectionable I could find. So, to my lighthearted and funny reader, in the future be careful what you ask for. One last lighthearted tidbit just for you . . .
What’s the difference between a midget detective agency and a lady’s track team?
A midget detective agency is a cunning bunch of runts!
GOTTA LOVE THE 80’S
I’ thought I’d start the new year with a small collection of limericks. This collection should be rated “PG”, so keep the youngsters away. Happy New Year to all of you limerick aficionados. Today’s collection concerns:
Sexual Misfortunes
Two middle-aged ladies from Fordham,
Went out for a walk but it bored ’em.
As they made their way back,
A crazed sex maniac
Leapt out of a bush and ignored ’em.
🍷🍷🍷
An unfortunate sailor name Bates,
Had performed the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Had rendered him nutless
And, well – virtually useless on dates!
🍆🍆🍆
A nudist, named Roger McPeet,
Loved to dance in the snow and the sleet.
Till, one chilly December,
He froze his poor member,
And retired to a monkish retreat.
🍩🍩🍩
Ancient octogenarian, Hugh,
To his wife remained steadfastly true.
This was not from compunction,
But more the dysfunction
Of his spermatic glands – nuts to you.
🍆🍩🍆
What better way to kick off a new year. Here’s one final limerick with a religious bent for an oh-so inclined friend.
❤️
When Lazarus came back from the dead,
He still couldn’t function in bed.
“What good’s Resurrection
Without an erection?”
Old Lazarus testily said.
AMEN TO THAT
These are the normal lame and politically correct ones. Let’s get real for a change!!
I post my resolutions almost every year and I have yet to complete them all. Once again, I’ll post my top ten and just hope for the best like always. Well here goes nothing one more time.
- Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors).
- Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.)
- Spend less than $50.00 a week on Dunkin Coffee. (That’s just for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.)
- Drink less than last year but more next year. (I’m dreaming!)
- Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked)
💥💥💥
- No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!)
- Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is to try.)
- Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (And maybe learn one or two new ones from them.)
- Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years.
💥💥💥
There are my ten candidates for 2023. I’ll be certain to post a midyear review in June.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL
Drive Safe
I’m in dire need of anything that will help me forget this Christmas season. First, we had windstorms, then rainstorms, then 4 feet of water in the backyard, then a loss of power, loss of internet, no telephone service, and finally cooking what was to have been a great dinner on the gas grill on the deck. Scallops, mussels and clams just aren’t the same after trying to cook them properly when its 15 effing degrees. Am I whining too much? I sure am. I have to be man enough to put all this crap behind me and start fresh, but I just can’t do it. I’d like to string both Mother Nature and Santa Clause from the nearest tree by various body parts that I won’t mention. I can assure you they would be painful.
Maybe my attitude will improve once I can shower and shave with hot water. The electric just turned back on at 10am today. Scrub-a-dub-dub.
BRING ON FREAKING NEW YEARS
I know that most people have all of their attention with Christmas involved with the buying and wrapping of gifts. While that is important to all of the kids, as an adult I’m in it for the food. For me Christmas is just a second Thanksgiving with gifts and a new list of foods for me to pig out on. Candy canes, cookies, fudges, brownies, pies, little cakes, and SUGAR, SUGAR, SUGAR!! Bring it on Santa, I’m ready to devour it all. So, folks, here are some limericks about food from a serious and chubby “foodie”. Enjoy!
🍷🍷🍷
A cheese that was aged and gray
Was walking and talking one day.
Said the cheese, “Kindly note
My mama was a goat
And I’m made out of curds by the whey.”
🍗🍗🍗
There was an old lady of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To the household’s disgust
She emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, “Where am I?”
🍜🍜🍜
There was an old man from the Rhine
Who was asked at what hour he’d dine.
He replied, “At eleven,
At three, six, and seven,
At eight and a quarter to nine.”
🍦🍦🍦
There was a young man of Calcutta
Who spoke with a terrible stutta.
At breakfast he said,
“Give me some b-b-b-bread
And a pat of b-b-b-b-butta.”
2 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
It’s important to maintain a sense of humor with all of the anticipated stresses of these holidays. Here are two quotes and a hilarious joke that will hopefully put a smile on your face. Enjoy . . .
***
A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal. He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then so she can point out a pair she’d like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys. The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realizing. As a result, the sister gets the gloves, and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.
***
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”
Shirley Temple
***
Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it: “I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she’d been wearing for the last three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
***
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
Bernard Manning
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There’s no doubt that other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”
***
WE ALL NEED A LAUGH – IT’S ABOUT TO GET CRAZY
3 DAYS LEFT
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