Archive for the ‘fun’ Tag
I’ve been ranting a bit for the last few days about politics and politicians, and I’ve run out of energy. Bitching and complaining is a total waste of time because it gets me nowhere very quickly. Today I’ll return to a topic I love and enjoy, limericks, especially those written by children. They make me smile and laugh out loud occasionally. Politics does not.
By Gareth Owen
Winnifred Gristle could whistle through thistles.
At whistling through thistles our Winn was a dream.
No-one out whistled Miss Gristle,
Winnifred Gristle, the whistler supreme.
💥💥💥
By John Hegley
There once was an organic leek
That had managed to learn how to speak.
At the sight of a knife
It would fear for its life,
And go: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
💥💥💥
By Anon
The daughter of the farrier
could find no-one to marry her.
Because she said
She would not wed
A man who could not carry her.
💥💥💥
By Marian Swinger
Two Dinosaurs strolling arms linked,
Met a little old lady who blinked,
And said, in surprise,
Whilst rubbing her eyes,
“They told me that you were extinct!”
💥💥💥
HOORAY, IT’S HUMP DAY
This is not one of my favorite times of the year. Summer is ending, skies are gray, rain is cold, leaves are dropping, and the runup to the end-of-year holidays has begun. A little depressing to say the least. I can deal with depression but it’s also very annoying. I thought a quick compilation of my major annoyances would be in order and here they are.
- Leave it up to the money hungry retailers to have Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas merchandise already displayed. IT’S OCTOBER YOU MORONS!
- People who insist on talking over me during a conversation makes me want to scream. JUST PLAIN RUDE!
- Every Wendy’s that lists coffee on the menu and then makes me wait until they make a pot. Every time! WORST KIND OF CUSTOMER SERVICE!
- The person in front of me at the express checkout line with an entire cart load of merchandise. ASSHOLE!
- Black Friday was always annoying, but this year should be priceless. They’ve begun advertising it already. CORPORATE GREED!
- Anyone still writing checks at the register in a food store. SHEER STUPIDITY!
- Anyone who has a debit card but can’t figure out how to use it. EXASPERATING!
- People who claim to have something really important to tell me, then send a four-word text message. CALL ME!
- Any person, male or female, who is more than 30 pounds overweight and attempting to slim down by wearing skinny jeans. SO BAD!!
- People who continually bitch and complain about their food and service in a restaurant. STAY HOME!
- Twenty or more minutes of every hour for moronic ads on every conceivable type of device. JUST KILL ME NOW!
- City workers and their gigantic snowplows destroying at least one of my mailboxes every year. IGNORAMUSES!
- People who insist on telling me all about their child who is an honor student somewhere. I DON’T CARE!
- Rear window decals displaying family members and pets. LAME!
A RANT ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER
Here is your daily collection of somewhat interesting useless information. Read, learn, and pass it along to friends, family and coworkers. I’m sure they’ll appreciate receiving them as much as you do receiving it from me. LOL
- Too much coffee can kill you. A lethal dose of caffeine for the average adult is approximately 10 grams, or the equivalent of drinking between 50 and 200 cups of coffee in rapid succession.
- The largest human cell is the female ovum. The smallest is the male sperm.
- Mosquito repellent doesn’t repel mosquitoes. It only blocks their sensors so that they don’t know you’re there.
- Members of the U.S. Congress are the world’s highest-paid legislators.
- The bristled toothbrush originated in China around the year 1498. The bristles, fixed to a bamboo or bone handle, were neck hairs from Siberian boars.
*****
- One of the holiest Christian holidays is named after a pagan goddess. The word Easter derives from the Anglo-Saxon goddess Eostre, who governed the vernal equinox.
- In 1659, the Massachusetts General Court ordered a five shilling fine to be paid by anyone caught celebrating Christmas. The ban was revoked in 1681.
- In his role as James Bond, the super spy, Sean Connery wore a toupee to hide his receding hairline.
- Artists have more sexual partners. Researchers suggest that creative people excel at attracting mates, acting on sexual impulses, and doing more than their share of ensuring species survival because they often display “schizotypal” characteristics which are the positive side of schizophrenic personality traits.
- Wedding rings date back thousands of years. The ancient Romans and Egyptians both believe that a vein called the vena amoria ran directly from the ring finger to the heart.
MORE INFORMATION FROM YOUR FAVORITE “SCHIZO”
I’m feeling in a very ‘limericky’ state of mind this morning. It’s cold, gray, and nasty so a day sitting at the computer is called for. After perusing through my achieves I decided on a few fairly clean limericks based on accidental deaths or injuries. Rather than be off color I decided on weird and these got it covered and then some.
*****
There was an old lady named Crockett
Who went to put a plug in a socket.
But her hands were so wet
She flew up like a jet
And came roaring back down like a rocket.
*****
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn’t an atom of fear.
He indulged a desire
To touch a live wire
(‘Most any old line will do here!)
*****
Said a foolish young lady of Wales,
“A smell of escaped gas prevails.”
Then she searched with a light,
And later that night
Was collected in seventeen pails.
*****
A certain young man of great gumption,
‘Mongst cannibals had the presumption
To go – but alack!
He never came back,
They say ’twas a case of consumption.
*****
WELCOME BACK TO A 1960’S SENSE OF HUMOR
I’ve worked closely for a variety of people over the years and I thought I’d heard every stupid question imaginable. Then I began reading about questions asked at National Parks and Tourist Visitor bureaus. Boy was I ever mistaken that I’ve heard it all. You just can’t make this stuff up.
*****
- Which beach is closest to the water?
- Do you have a map of the Iditarod Trail? We’d like to go for a walk now.
- Have we made peace with the Indians?
- What is the best time of the year to watch deer turn into elk?
- Where are Scarlet and Rhett buried and are they buried together?
*****
- If you go into a restaurant in Idaho and you don’t want any kind of potato with your meal, will they ask you to leave?
- I am trying to build a flying saucer. Where do I go for help?
- Where can I find a listing of jazz funerals for the month?
- What is the official language of Alaska?
- Where can we find Amish hookers? We want to buy a quilt.
*****
- Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
- So whats in the unexplored part of the cage?
- We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
- What time does the two o’clock bus leave?
- Did people build this, or did Indians?
HOW DO YOU ANSWER WITHOUT LAUGHING OUT LOUD?
I love reading limericks written in a totally different time and place. Today’s selection is from the war years in England. Even with all of the violence and mayhem going on they took time to maintain a sense of humor. Thank god for sex and it’s related activities, it’s all they had.
****
1941
There was a young lady named Nelly
Whose tits could be joggled like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And they could even swat flies on her belly.
****
1943
There was a young man from Narragansett
Who colored his prick to enhance it.
But the girls were afraid
That ere they get laid
T’would lose all its color in transit
****
1945
A detective named Ellery Queen
Has olfactory powers so keen,
He can tell in a flash
By the scent of a gash
Who its previous tenant had been.
****
1941
19There was a young girl named Regina
Who called in a water diviner,
To play a slick trick
With his prick as a stick,
To help her locate her vagina.
****
KEEPING WAR TIME MORALE AS HIGH AS POSSIBLE
MALAPROPS: A variety of verbal miscues from Grade
School, High School and College Examinations.
- Johan Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on the old spinster which he kept up in the attic.
- The government of Athens was Democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
- Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
- People have sex, while nouns have genders.
- The American colonists won the Revolutionary war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
- The bowels are A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y.
- He worked in the government as a civil serpent.
ISN’T EDUCATION WONDERFUL?
- A horse divided against itself cannot stand.
- The climate of the Sahara desert is so hot that certain areas are cultivated by irritation.
- Charles Darwin wrote The Organ of the Species.
- When a baby is born, the doctor cuts its biblical chord.
- The Greeks invented three kinds of columns: Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.
- Brigham Young led the Morons to Utah.
THANK GOD I NEVER TOOK UP TEACHING
It’s officially Fall here in Maine. The temperature has fallen and the winter clothing and extra blankets have been unpacked. I’m sure there are snowblowers all over the state being readied for what is sure to be coming. If that doesn’t depress you a little then nothing will. Today’s post contains limericks written in the late sixties and early seventies and should be considered poetry of a sort. They’ve even been categorized to make it easier for me to choose. Today’s theme will be “Virgins”. Enjoy!
*****
There was a young girl named Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
*****
There was a young fellow name Gluck
Who found himself shit-out-of-luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don’t give a fuck.
*****
There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch.
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
*****
A religious lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with prayer.”
*****
HAPPY MONDAY – HAVE A GREAT WEEK
Since I’m a bit of a “foodie” I thought I’d do a little research about food. I started my day watching an oldie-but-goodie, an episode of the original Iron Chef program from Japan. I now know everything I need to know about the preparation and consumption of pork belly. Let’s get on with this . . .
- Did you know that the cereal Post Toasties was originally named Elijah’s Manna. The name was changed in 1904 after objections were received from the clergy.
- The country of Norway consumes more spicy Mexican food than any other European nation.
- The literal meaning of the Italian word linguine is “Little tongues”.
- Margarine was originally called “Butterine” when first marketed in England.
- The top two selling spices in the world are pepper (top seller) and mustard.
- Peter Cooper, best know for inventing the locomotive “Tom Thumb”, also patented in 1845 a gelatin treat later marketed as “Jello”.
- There are 12 flowers embossed on an Oreo cookie, four petals on each.
- The standard pretzel shape was created by French monks in 610 a.d. and made to resemble a little child’s arms in prayer.
- Canned herring are called sardines. The process for canning originated in Sardinia where herring were first canned.
- When the Birdseye company first introduced frozen food in 1930, it was called “Frosted Food”. The name was changed shortly thereafter to “Frozen”.
Now you know. I also strongly recommend taking some time to visit the Roku Channel and the Iron Chef program. I loved it way back in the day and it still remains an all time favorite.
EAT, DRINK, AND DO MARY
I woke up at 4:45 am today and it’s still cold and miserable outside. It’s been raining for a day and a half and I hate it. I made the decision to stay in bed under my warm electric blanket and to watch one of my favorite movies, The Godfather. There’s nothing like an couple hours of senseless violence, mayhem and the occasional murder or two to get your day started. I then caught up on the days sport scores so as not to be totally uninformed. My coffee was hot but unfortunately none of my hometown teams (Pittsburgh) were. I’ve been wanting to post a few limericks this week and I’ve also got sports on my mind. What’s better than a few sporty limericks to kick off this crappy day.
*****
A batter, named Fatty McPhatter,
Had the gift of the gab with his patter.
“Whichever pitch comes,
I hit only home runs,
So the fact that I’m fat doesn’t matter.
*****
I used to shout The Yankees were playing the Mets
On a million home TV sets.
“A team from New York
Will be walking the walk!”
Said an analyst (hedging his bets)
*****
A golfer tries hard to survive,
With grit, dedication and drive.
“Inflation,” he’ll claim
“is affecting my game,
I used to shout ‘fore’, now it’s ‘five’.
*****
I’m giving the next pitch a bunt
Just a couple of inches in front.
So the boy on each base
Will all move round one base,
It’s a very unpopular stunt!
*****
I’VE STRUCK OUT
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