Archive for the ‘nicknames’ Tag

08/28/2021 Spanky Asks: What’s Your Nickname?   Leave a comment

Have you ever had a nickname? Is it a nice nickname or was it a name given to you by others that was mean and nasty like Ass-Wipe, Shit-for-Brains, or Dick-Face. For some reason I was never cool enough to have a nice nickname, I was always just plain John or worse. I’ve been called just about everything at one time or another but I never could get that cool nickname like the other kids always seem to have.

I had a friend whose nickname was Chiseled-Chin and he was really proud of that name claiming it to be a complement to his genetic heritage. His whole damn family had chin’s you can hang your hat on. I guess that tells me your nickname is what you make of it. Although, if you’ve got a really nasty one (Doggy Breath, Jeannie Jaws, No-Tits) it’s damn near impossible to turn it into something positive.

Even celebrities have nicknames and we seem to buy into them immediately without question. All Sean Combs needs to do to get a new nickname is to call a press conference and proclaim it to the world, “From this day forward I’m going to be called Puff Daddy”, and then a few months later it’s P-Diddy, and God knows what his next reincarnation will bring.

Really famous Hollywood types change their names to whatever the hell they please because their actual names just doesn’t look good “up in lights”. **AND STARRING TONIGHT **, Cheryl Sarkisian and Paul Rubenfeld. That’s actually Cher and Pee Wee Herman.

Richard Nixon was Tricky-Dicky and Terry Gene Bollette is Hulk Hogan. Would you buy a rap album from someone named Earl Simmons or do you throw your money at some badass guy named DMX. Would you get excited watching Frances Grumm dancing and singing her way down the yellow brick road to meet the wizard? Not likely.

I have to admit I’ve given out my share of nicknames to people, some good and some bad. The good ones can be flattering and I use them for many of the women I’ve dated, loved, and married. Beautiful, Sexy, Slim, or Gorgeous. The bad ones were mainly for people I disliked or those who had already tagged me with some sort of insulting nickname. Fair is fair after all. I’m offering all of you who’ve never had a real nickname to visit this website: namegeneratorfun.com. You enter your name and sex and it will create a list of potential nicknames that you can choose from. My final list of possible nicknames was Square Jaw, Johnski, Spanky, and Johnzy. I think I’ll choose SPANKY because it has such multiple interesting meanings. It’s like the program knows me personally or heard about me from someone else, it’s freaking amazing. (Sarcasm off)

So this is Spanky signing off for today. I hope each of you can find that perfect nickname to make your life complete.

SINCE KEVORKIAN PASSED AWAY, DR. DEATH IS UP FOR GRABS

06-12-2013   Leave a comment

Today I intended to further explore the use of the English language where names are concerned by talking about nicknames we humans insist on giving to our private parts.  The list of nicknames is endless but the main body parts targeted  normally for nicknames are the vagina, penis, and occasionally the breasts.  As a kid (age 7-11) and before my sex life truly existed my friends and I had already named our penises.  I have no idea why we did but it could have been as simple a reason as "because it was there".  Our fascination with our penises was intense at that age because if you must know it was the center of our young universe.  Unfortunately it still is.

Our little group of five perverts constantly discussed those things that were most important to us; our penises, girls, and that greatest mystery of all, sexual intercourse. We almost declared a national holiday when our buddy Frank reported at one of our private meetings in our secret hidden club house that he had what we later found out was his first orgasm.  He explained in great detail just what he’d done and how it felt.  We were all astounded by his description of the feelings he had but were somewhat confused by his report that nothing came out of his penis when he came.  We’d been told by the experts (our older friends) that there would be sperm. That discussion went on for another six months as were tried to figure out what Frank had done wrong. 

Eventually we were called to an emergency meeting at the clubhouse when Frank finally reported that some “white stuff” had finally appeared after he masturbated.  We did everything but declare him king of the effing world. We put him through the third degree until we were all satisfied he was giving us the absolute truth.

You should also know that during the next few months we were  all diligently practicing in the privacy of our homes trying to duplicate what Frank was reporting. Shortly after his report on the "white stuff" we as a group demanded he show us specifically how he did it.  We retired to his house and the five of us squeezed into his little bathroom where he began his demonstration.  He used a little soap on his hands and began to furiously masturbate.  He kept saying he was almost there as we waited patiently.  The mood was immediately broken when his mother threw the door open and caught him in the act and all of us watching.  Many of you can talk about your most awkward moments but this one was by far my worst.  My second worst moment was when I got home to find out that Frank’s mom had ratted us all out.  My mother was not happy.

Frank practically tore his penis off trying to put it away.  His poor mother was probably never quite the same again either.  Needless to say it took years before any of us could look her in the eye without turning a bright crimson.  We all learned two valuable lessons that fateful day. One, soap is our friend and two, lock the freaking door.

We learned never to do anymore sexual exploring at anyone’s home.  We confined our discussions and demonstrations to our club house where all of the best reading material (skin mags) was available for our use.  Later on as we grew more curious we invited one or two of the neighborhood girls to the club house for a few games of "show and tell".  There was no sexual activity just a very clinical study of their genitals and their study of ours.  It was around that time that my penis received his first nickname, I called him "Charlie".

I have to admit that years later after my sex life had been firmly established Charlie’s nicknames became much more interesting.  Charlie became confused at times because he was forced to suffer through a long list of really tacky names that he really didn’t care for. I never told any of my female sex partners that all of those silly name they insisted on calling him meant nothing to him or to me.  His real name was and always will be Charlie and all the sexual attention in the world from them and their vaginas could never change that.

I was thinking about listing a number of the more common genital nicknames in this posting but I thought this story would be more poignant and informative than a cold and unemotional list. Besides you men out there already know the most common nicknames currently in use. Unfortunately you women out there only think you know your man’s  actual name for his penis. 

02-27-2013   2 comments

Have you ever had an identity crisis?  Do you really understand what the term means?  I thought I did but as often happens I really had only a general idea and never looked at the dirty little details.

As  a young child we have an identity but it’s really just a  temporary one until we’ve reached an age where real decisions about our future can be made without the undue influences of family.  My father wanted me to be a jock at first.  He was an outstanding athlete in school and always hoped I could excel as he did.  I didn’t.  I liked playing baseball but for me most of the other sports were a distraction from my real passion for fine art and commercial art.  My first major identity issue occurred when I realized I didn’t want to be what he wanted me to be. I was just a kid who was afraid to speak out so instead I acted out.  It was my way of saying, I don’t want to be a jock, I really don’t like playing football and basketball, I can do it if I want to but I don’t want to.  It took him years to get over my actions but it had to happen eventually as it does with everyone and their parents.

We go through many of these identity issues during and after high school.  Do I want to go to college?  Do I want to be a part of a religious organization? Do I want to be married? What kind of job do I want?  Do I want to have kids? It’s no wonder we have so many issues with family and friends as they try to push us in one direction or another.  The real problem comes after you’ve made these life decisions for yourself and then find out you’ve made a terrible mistake.  To me that’s a real ‘identity crisis’ and the others are just normal growing up things we all must deal with.

I’m writing about this topic in a semi-serious manner and don’t want to get bogged down and depressed by it.  I’ve grown up and survived all of the decisions I’ve made.  Some were good, some not so good, but that’s life in a nut shell. I’ve had my mid-life crisis, been divorced, been happy, been miserable, and survived them all just as you all will.

I  took early retirement a few years ago and now I’m again faced with a new question.  Who am I now?  I sat down to think over a few things and suddenly realized that a person’s name and nicknames help them to find and maintain their  identity.  If Sean Combs can reinvent himself at a whim from P-Diddy to Puff Daddy then why can’t I do the same. 

As always the web has the answers.  I found these two web sites which are really helping me and my better-half to re-identifying ourselves.  Check them out if you want a cool nickname or two.

http://www.myrapname.com/
http://www.getnicknames.com/nicknames.php

Here are a few of the selections we  must choose from:

Our Bad Ass Biker Names:  CARLEY CRANK – BEARDSLEY BONES

Our Pop Star Names: JULIA STEFANI – GORDAN ANGEL

Our Vampire Names: SELENE CALLISTO – DAMON NIX

Our Goth Names:  ADARE – DE DEMI

Our Mobster Names:  Lucia – ROCCO

Our Pirate Names:  BOOTLEG BETTY – CAPTAIN SCURY

It’s obvious we have some serious decisions to make.  Who do we want to be now?  I’m leaning towards my vampire identity since that seems to be the current trend but my better-half is looking hard at the pop star identity. This could take forever.

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