I’ve been called a lot of kind and unkind things in my life but the most recent nickname being overused is the term curmudgeon. It’s not a word I’ve ever used regularly and it really didn’t become well-known to me until the sitcom, Everyone Loves Raymond, made its appearance on TV all those years ago. Peter Boyle laid claim to the term and has become the curmudgeon poster boy since. I can’t forget to mention another of my favorite curmudgeons, Andy Rooney, who like Peter Boyle has long since passed away.
I’ve been branded by friends and family alike as an apparent “growler and grumbler” but I just don’t think that applies to me at all. This name calling has increased since I started blogging and thankfully no-one but my friends and family have used the term up till now. That’s not a request for any of you to start using it, so don’t.
After months and months (sarcasm on) of meticulous research (sarcasm off) I’ve discovered that since the death of Peter Boyle and Andy Rooney we no longer have any famous or infamous curmudgeons to ridicule the powers that be and that just doesn’t seem right to me. If I’m truly a curmudgeon then I must be filling a basic human need. Maybe people subconsciously need someone like me to observe their activities, comment on these activities, and to criticize them as needed. I have to admit that’s what I do and you’re very welcome. I religiously pick apart stupid and politically correct activities of people and shine the spotlight of mocking and silliness directly on them. Am I doing a public service? I think I am.
I also realize that many of the people who read this blog are bloggers themselves. I can’t put a number on it but I’m not afraid to say a large percentage of my readers are just as curmudgeonly as I appear to be. So to all of you blogging curmudgeonly curmudgeons out there, keep up the good work. This society needs to hear opinions from real folks not just paid mouthpieces of the mainstream media and the US government. And as stated by our forefathers, “It’s the duty of every patriotic American to question and criticize their government.” , so don’t stop now.
Say these following words to yourself as often as you can.
Today I’m concentrating on hair. Not the lack of it but the overall abundance of it. I discovered as I aged with the help of certain women that hair is almost as important to them as penis size. The trends these days for men seem to be the metrosexual look, the less hair the better except of course for the hair on the head.
As I began to lose my hair a few years back I was actually traumatized by it for a while. As the hair slowly faded away a strange thing happened, I felt an odd freedom. I swore then and there I would never become that guy with a bald head and a fringe around the bottom. When the time came I didn’t hesitate to rid myself of all my head hair once and for all. No more freaking haircuts, no more hair products, and no more competing with other men for style points. I thought I was home free from hair issues but once again I was wrong.
This isn’t me . . just so you know.
Soon I met and fell head-over-heels for Miss Right. After dating for months she informed me in no uncertain terms that I had way too much hair everywhere on my body. Trust me, I’m not a very hairy guy and I thought at first she was just messing with me. I found out later she wasn’t. My ear hair was found to be too untidy and too long. My eyebrows were too bushy and too unkempt. Hair on my chest and arms needed constant trimming and I wouldn’t even mention the pubic hair discussions we had.
It became a day-to-day battle between us because the constant inspections were making my hands all sweaty. I felt like I was back in the Army. Then came the night of too much drinking, too much laughing, and too much schnapps. While under the influence of alcohol I agreed to certain hair removal requests and told her I would take care of the hair maintenance issues in the morning. And then went to bed and fell into what was a deep alcohol-induced dream-state. Upon waking in the morning I discovered that while I was dreaming she had been clipping. I was brought into the 21st century, hairless, with a whimper and not a bang.
The battle continues to this day and I have long since regrown most of the missing hair she removed that night. I did manage one act of defiance in an attempt to regain possession of my testicles. I grew a mustache and beard just to mess with her. The daily inspections continue and I guess I’ve adjusted to them as best I can. Her inspection routine was recently updated and now includes the beard and mustache, so I guess I really haven’t made much headway in the hair wars after all.
And neither is this.
I was shopping recently and observed a rather lovely young lady with three times as much hair on her arms and legs as I have. She was also showing some little dark puffs peeking out from her armpits. Maybe I’ll finally be safe if the current trends are shifting back to the 1800’s. Then my better-half will be buying me gallons and gallons of Rogaine to spread all over my long and beautiful body. I can’t wait.
I profess to be an anti-stupidity warrior and I’m proud of that title. I’m constantly pointing out the fools in our political system because they make it so damn easy. They’re “targets of opportunity” and the “gifts that keep on giving”. In recent months I’ve been much kinder to these folks because I’ve begun to feel sorry for them. Most of them are so clueless they don’t even realize what they’re doing and saying and how it’s being perceived by us low-life, mouth-breathing, and unwashed peons.
With that in mind I thought I’d broaden my search for non-political dopes who are also making themselves famous in their own right. We’ve all had exposure to the Darwin Awards which primarily deal with idiots and how they kill themselves. I’d hate to infringe on their area of expertise when so I’ll just stick to the common, everyday, garden-variety, dopes who make me smile. These following blurbs I’ve picked up over the years and are stories of real people told by other real people. Enjoy them.
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Our phones went dead and I had to call the phone repair people from a public phone.. They promised to be out between 8 a.m. and 7 pm. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, he asked and I quote, “Would you like us to call before we come?”
I live in a semi-rural area. We had a new neighbor call the local town hall administrative offices to request the removal of a deer crossing sign on our road. Reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and she no longer wanted them crossing there.
My friend and her daughter went to a local Taco Bell to order some tacos. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce”. He said he was sorry but they only had iceberg.
A friend was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” She said, if it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled and nodded knowingly and stated, “That’s why we ask.
I once worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her, could not understand why her computer system wouldn’t turn on.
When my friend and his spouse arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, they were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As my friend watched from the passenger side, he instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. Hey, he said to the technician, “you know it’s open.” “I already got that side” was the immediate answer.
I’ll bet if you spent ten minutes a day you could compile a list much larger than this one in just a few days. They’re out there in big numbers just waiting to be recognized and it’s our duty as fine upstanding citizens to give them all the credit they deserve.
I’m forever slamming politicians and their ilk anything and everything I can. I feel it’s my obligation as a citizen to give them all the credit they deserve, both for good and bad. But it’s the weekend and I’m feeling less intense today and in that vein I offer some political humor from various sources. They made me smile so I stored them away for this occasion. Enjoy!
This first humorous story isn’t truly a political story but it has political implications if you read between the lines.
There’s an old sea story about a ship’s Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the First Mate that his men “smelled really bad”. The Captain suggested it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The First Mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced the “Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear”. He continued, Phillips you change with Jones, McCarthy you change with Witkowski, and Brown you change with Schultz. The moral of this story is that someone may come along and promise change, but don’t count on things smelling any better. (Applies to all parties.)
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red telephone and askwhat the phone is for. The Devil tells them it’s for calling back to earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he’s finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she’s finished the Devil informs her that the cost is six million dollars, so she writes him a check. George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he’s finished the Devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the Devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The Devil just smiled and replied, “Since Biden took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call”.
Some of you may think those two stories aren’t all that funny but get over yourself, they are. If you’re a conservative or a Republican I’m sure you enjoyed them and if your a Democrat or liberal you probably didn’t. I don’t really care. I enjoy ridiculing all politicians, regardless of their party affiliation. Just remember, this blog isn’t Fox News or MSNBC and I’m certainly not “Fair and Balanced”. I have a serious dislike for them all.
In the past I’ve written a few things on cursing and swearing. As I’ve often said, “proper cursing is a true art form”, but not really properly acknowledged or appreciated by the mainstream academics. It is the cherry on top of the English language sundae. Everyone knows that a sundae is so much tastier with the addition of a bright red cherry on top. That’s how I see cursing.
A few weeks ago as my better-half and I were spending some quality time at Walmart, I spotted two young gentlemen in their early teens in the Book Department. Young man #1 reached over and grabbed the book from young man #2, and stated “give me that focking book”(the actual word has been purposely misspelled to protect what few innocent ears are left). Young man #2 not to be outdone immediately replied, “it’s my book you focking asshole”. They argued back and forth for a while, dropped the book on the bench, and sped off to find their parents.
I started cursing and f-bombing at a young age too because that was how people in my neighborhood and family spoke. I came by cursing honestly and made a point of refining it as best I could. I’ve always been an overachiever and this was just another challenge to overcome. Listening to those two kids tells me that f-bombing and cursing is alive and well in focking Maine.
I’ve always found the word “fock” an amazing and versatile tool. It can be used as either a verb, adverb, adjective, imperative, interjection, or a noun.
“I got focked by a scam artist”, “My computer is focked.”, “You’re a fock or a focker”. A fock may be an act of sex or just a person who is an ass. The verb, to fock, may be used transitively or intransitive. It can be compounded as “Fock off“, “Fock you“, “Fock up“, and “Don’t fock with me”. A phrase such as “Don’t give a fock.”, makes the word an equivalent of damn. If something is very abnormal or annoying, “This is focked up.” may be used.
I think the word fock should be adopted by all Americans and used in the same fashion as aloha and shalom are used in Hawaii and Israel. It can mean just about anything we want and we should make it our official greeting and our official farewell. When foreign dignitaries and tourists arrive on our shores we should give them a peck on the cheek and a big “Fock you and welcome to America”. When they leave give them a pat on the ass and tell him to “Get the fockout”. They all think we’re a bunch of mouth-breathers anyway, so what’s the harm.
Being the ultimate diplomat was never my intent but I’m willing to step up and do what needs to be done. I’ll be more than happy to testify before any focking Congressional committees and attempt to convince them as focking Americans we need this immediately. Maybe they’ll focking listen but I don’t hold much hope for that. I’d probably just be wasting my focking breath.
As I promised in an earlier post, it’s time for another installment of really weird facts and assorted nonsense. I’m going to try to supply everyone with this kind of thing each week because there’s absolutely no end to the amount of weird and useless facts available out there. It’s my job job to find them and share them with you whether you like or or not. Lets get this ball rolling.
A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove.
A silicon chip a quarter of an inch square has the capacity of the original 1949 ENIAC computer, which occupied a city block.
Snails can have about 25,000 teeth.
About 70% of all living organisms in the world are bacteria.
A ten gallon hat holds 3/4 of a gallon.
A whale’s heart beats only nine times a minute.
Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance.
Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool. He changed it every two innings.
The longest one syllable word in the English language is screeched.
Well there’s your weekly installment of weird facts. I barely scratched the surface of what I have stored away for future posts. I hope you find them as interesting as I do. Enjoy your day.
Good morning readers. I just wanted to let everyone know I’m within two weeks of celebrating my tenth year of blogging which I think requires me to do an honest review of myself. I have to admit it’s been a real learning experience but one I wouldn’t change for anything. I never decided to blog because I thought I had all the answers or that my philosophy of life was of any interest to anyone but me. I blog primarily to keep myself sane. Blogging is a good way for me to vent and lower my blood pressure all at the same time. I especially enjoy reading the feedback even if it’s discourteous, rude, or off-color. It’s called freedom of speech.
I initially blogged about personal stories of my life but found out very quickly that family and friends dislike notoriety. From that point on I made sure to never mention names or to post any family members photographs.
I then moved into politics and voiced my opinions rather loudly and pointedly. It helped me to quickly discover that most blog surfers are of the “sound bite” generations. My goal then became writing a variety of articles that would keep readers reading to the end. It involved a mix of politics, humor, sarcasm, trivia, and whatever else I could find. I’m interested in anyone who really wants to take the time to read every word, think about it for a while, and then comment with a yea or nay. I’m not looking for approval just honest and open discussions and opinions.
After my interest in political blogging waned I decided to return to writing about personal stories from my past. It seemed the best way to go if I wanted to increased traffic. It also seemed that I wasn’t the only person fed up with politics and politicians. I love embracing change and have done so many times over the years. An old quote I heard many years ago still holds true today: “the greatest opportunities are found on the edge of chaos”.
I have a rather loyal following of readers who’ve stayed with me through my cancer diagnosis, surgeries, and a year of little or no blog postings. I’d like to thank them all for their continuing interest and support. It made returning to this blog a much easier transition than I had ever hoped for. Thanks again.
As we’re all aware this last year-and-a-half with the pandemic has changed many things, some for the better and some for the worse. Since the onset of the pandemic I’ve noticed a disturbing trend with female drivers in the area and I’m assuming that it’s pretty much the same all across the country. I’ve mentioned in past posts that common courtesy is one of the victims of the pandemic and I need to take that one step further. It seems that many female drivers have taken to “flipping the bird” with a vengeance. I’ve seen teenage girls, old ladies, soccer moms, and just about everyone else getting with the program. Needless to say it sparked my curiosity which then required a little research into my archives about the practices of “throwing the finger” and here’s what I found.
SOME HISTORY OF THE BIRD
Tossing the bird has been a tradition with us men that has been passed down through the ages from grandfathers to fathers and then to their sons. Guys have been throwing the finger for a variety of reasons for as long as I can remember. We owned this gesture until the feminists arrived. Now the ladies have every right to be as obnoxious as we’ve been and believe me their certainly doing it with panache and gusto.
Thrusting up a middle finger or “flipping the bird” is one of the more familiar hand gestures across this country. Its popularity is also worldwide and has been around for a very long time in a number of European countries. No one is sure how it originated but we all know that the Romans used it at the time of Christ.
Just as there are many gestures in the world to convey one’s negative feelings about another, there are also regional differences to show approval. Men around the world have several gestures to imply that a woman is pretty. In the United States, men lift their eyebrows, in the Arab world a man grabs his beard, while in Greece he would stroke his cheek. In Italy, a man sticks his finger into his cheek and rotates it, Frenchmen kiss their fingertips, and Brazilians will pretend to hold up a telescope to their eye.
Obviously, almost any gesture can have meaning, either positive or negative, somewhere in the world. So the next time you travel abroad, be careful how you gesture with your hands. You might unwittingly attract unwanted attention from the natives, especially in the Middle East. They seem to look for any spoken word or gesture by a non-Arab as a reason to throw you into prison for a chat or to just execute you.
In my attempt to be fair I’ve also seen a few men with some unfortunate habits. While I myself would never today do something so crude. In my youth I may have lost control a few thousand times. I deeply regret those times when I “birded” nice old ladies or a few hundred clergymen. It really is nice to see that the female of the species now has the capability and the mindset to throw the bird to damn near anybody for damn near any reason. “I Am Woman” hear me roar.
And thanks to whoever placed that Ryan Gosling GIF on the net. It made my day.
It’s been a long week and I’m a little sick of thinking or talking about politics, younger generations, and the pandemic. I’m on overload with more news about masks and all of the assorted BS that goes along with that. I think it’s time for another installment of Totally Useless Trivia. The following items came into my files over the last few years and I love saving them for these not-so-special occasions. Let’s get started.
As an adult human being you have more than 20 square feet of skin on your body about the same square footage as a blanket for a queen-size bed. How creepy is that?
We Americans eat approximately 100 acres of pizza each day, or 350 slices per second. Yet for some reason we still don’t seem to understand why obesity is running rampant through the country. Are we really that stupid?
An estimated 800,000 senior citizens voluntarily give up their driving privileges each year. The average age at which they surrender the wheel is 85.
All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” read 04:20. Rent the movie and check it out.
Americans appear to have the most sex at 132 times a year, with the Russians close behind at 122 times a year. Hard to believe the the French are only at 121. Let it be known that I’m officially volunteering to verify these numbers.
A portion of the water you drink every day has already been drunk by someone else, maybe several times over. This I didn’t really need to know, Ewwwwwwww!
About 1.7 liters of saliva is produced each day in an average person. You can’t have those long sloppy wet kisses without it.
A healthy individual releases 3.5 oz of gas in a single flatulent emission, or about 17 oz in a day. Wonderful, just freaking wonderful.
A kiss stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent while men like it more strenuous. I think it’s really 30 muscles if you get my drift. LOL
Condoms will last about a month when stored in a wallet; any longer and its more likely to break. Wish I would have known this back in high school. I carried one for three years.
A Georgia company will mix your loved one’s ashes with cement and drop it into the ocean to form an artificial Reef. It must be “Greenie” heaven.
35 billion emails are sent each day throughout the world. Who cares, it’s mostly SPAM anyway.
61,000 people are airborne over the US at any given time. From a former white-knuckle flier, “better them than me.”
3,400,000 Americans are considered “Extreme Commuters”. These are people who commute over 90 minutes round trip every day to work. Anyone who’s ever lived in a major metro area can verify this one. Route 128 in Boston was my home for years.
That should curb your craving for stupid and useless information for another week or so. When you start going into withdrawal, drop me an email and I’ll fix you right up.
On most days I try terribly hard to keep this blog as PG as possible. However I’m occasionally forced to break that rule when I receive information like this. Be warned, I’ll be skimming the surface of an R rating today. If you’re naive, innocent, or virginal you might skip this posting altogether. I wouldn’t want to corrupt any of you or your children.
I’ve known a few women over the years who are impossible to forget. I’ve had gay female friends, prudish female friends, promiscuous female friends, and even cute and naive female friends. This posting concerns one young lady who is memorable because of her overriding obsession with oral sex. We dated for a time but I couldn’t keep up with her no matter how hard I tried (no pun intended). We went our separate ways until she sent me an e-mail recently with these rules attached. You’ve got to remember I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 26 years but it’s somehow comforting to know somethings never change. Here are her 12 rules.
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule number 1 – if you get one, be grateful.
3. No, I DON’T have to swallow.
4. My ears are NOT handles.
5. Having my period does not mean that it’s “HUMMER WEEK”. Get it through your head . . . I’m bloated and I feel like crap so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to service you just because we can’t have sex right now.
6. “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls; If you’re that desperate, go “rub one out” and leave me alone with my Midol.
7. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately after we’re done is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior repeated any time in the future.
8. If you like how I do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of my talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that I’m good at it.
9. No, I don’t care about the protein content.
10. No, I will not do it while you watch TV.
11. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get serviced often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or to brag.
12. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up doesn’t mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.
I really hope this was sent to me as a tongue-in-cheek bit of humor but even now it’s hard for me to tell with this lady. It brought a smile to my face and made me laugh out loud which is always a great way to start my day. She was never too shy back in the day and it appears she hasn’t changed a lick (no pun intended).
everyuselessthing.com 