I’ve had something unusual happen this year. It appears because of my fractured ankle and my four months rehabilitation that I have a real shot at accomplishing most of my New Year’s resolutions. Now that we’re into October we’re within two months of year-end and I thought a review would be in order. Let’s take a quick look.
Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors). “COMPLETE” I’ve absolutely destroyed this one. Those four months of sitting on my ass while recuperating from my broken ankle made this one easy.
Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.) “FAIL” I only missed the yearly total by a few thousand.
Spend less than $50.00 a week at Dunkin. (That’s just for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.) “COMPLETE” They’ve become as bad as Starbucks and I’m finally free from all of their influences.
Drink less alcohol than last year but more next year. (I’m dreaming!) “MISERABLE FAILURE” No comment is necessary.
Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked) “ANOTHER MISERABLE FAILURE” Again, no comment.
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No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!) “COMPLETE” Due to my fractured ankle my dancing this year has been severely limited.
Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is to TRY.) “MISERABLE FAILURE” There are times when these resolutions are impossible. This is one of those times.
Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (And maybe learn one or two new ones from them.) “COMPLETE” Daycare and school have saved me on this one. Playground education has officially begun. and they’re learning a brand-new vocabulary but not from me.
Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years. “COMPLETE” I’ve seen much less of them this year which makes them miss me all the more.
Stay vertical. “COMPLETE” A term I’ve learned to really appreciate.
It seems that sports are on everyone’s mind currently between basketball finals, the NFL draft, and the newly published NFL season schedules for 2024. I thought I’d participate a little myself. I like some sports but not all, but I like humorous and odd stories regardless of the sport even more. Today I’m going to touch on golf and baseball for some interesting trivia and a few smiles and laughs.
Harpo Marx
George Burns
Hillcrest Country Club in California has long been a favorite of Hollywood entertainers. One August day comedians George Burns and Harpo Marx came to the club to play a round of golf. The thermometer registered over 100° and the two decided to play without their shirts. But then the course officials heard about the shirtless golfers and rushed out to find them. “Rules are rules, you can’t play without a shirt and there are no exceptions.” they exclaimed. The comedians put their shirts back on and started to play. The officials made their way back to the clubhouse. A few minutes later, someone came rushing in with the news, “Burns and Marx are playing without their pants!” Again, the committee raced out to the course and sure enough Burns and Marx had their shirts on, but they had removed her pants were playing in their undershorts. Harpo Marx reminded the committee of the rulebook. It says we can’t play without shirts. But show me the rule that says we can’t play without pants. The officials were licked, and they knew it. There and then a new rule was made: All-male players could take off their shirts, but they had to wear pants at all times. I love it when a plan comes together.
Henry Heitman
If there is a record for the shortest major league career by a pitcher, it belongs to a right-handed pitcher named Henry Heitman. On July 27, 1918, Heitmann started a game for the Brooklyn Dodgers against the St. Louis Cardinals. The first four batters all hit safely and Heitmann was sent to the showers immediately. A few days later he enlisted in the United States Navy and never played major-league baseball again. That’s what I call a short career.
Bobby Jones
Bobby Jones was one of the greatest golfers ever, winning dozens of tournaments before he retired in 1930. One day in 1920, playing in the Southern Amateur Tournament at New Orleans, Jones found himself with an unexpected problem. One of his drives landed inside an old shoe that was resting on top of a workman’s wheelbarrow. After deciding not to take a penalty for dropping the ball out of the shoe, he found a novel solution to his problem. He played the shoe. The immortal Bobby smacked the shoe which flew off the wheelbarrow and the ball flew out of the shoe and kept rolling, finally stopping only a few feet from the green. Jones chipped onto the green and holed out for a par. Professionals always find a way.
It’s important to maintain a sense of humor with all of the anticipated stresses of these holidays. Here are two quotes and a hilarious joke that will hopefully put a smile on your face. Enjoy . . .
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A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal. He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then so she can point out a pair she’d like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys. The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realizing. As a result, the sister gets the gloves, and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.
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“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”
Shirley Temple
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Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it: “I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she’d been wearing for the last three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
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“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
Bernard Manning
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There’s no doubt that other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”
As I was rummaging through my collection of books I discovered one I forgot I had. It was buried beneath a pile of other useless information. It’s called Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader and I gave it a quick read. Being a former cop and an employee of the Maine Criminal Justice System, I tend to read things about the courts and laws before anything else and I’m glad I did. The Bathroom Reader made me aware of some strange and ridiculous laws from around the country. Here are just a few.
The law prohibits barbers in Omaha, Nebraska, from shaving the chests of customers.
In St. Louis Missouri, it’s illegal for you to drink beer out of a bucket while you’re sitting on a curb.
In cotton Valley, Louisiana, law forbids cows and horses from sleeping in a bakery.
The maximum penalty for double parking in Minneapolis, Minnesota, is working on a chain gang with nothing to eat but bread and water.
In the state of Alabama, it’s illegal to play dominoes on a Sunday.
In Las Vegas Nevada, it’s against the law to pawn your dentures.
If your 88 years of age or older, it’s illegal for you to ride your motorcycle in Idaho Falls, Idaho.
In California, it’s illegal to hunt whales from your automobile. It’s also against the law to use your dirty underwear as a dust rag.
It’s illegal to sleep with your boots on in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
In Natoma, Kansas it’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.
These 10 items are mild compared to some of the others I’ve seen over the years. We Americans are great at passing a law after law but very lax in eliminating silly crap like this from the rolls. I’m going to make an effort to finds a few that are even crazier than the ones you just read.
I’m feeling in a very ‘limericky’ state of mind this morning. It’s cold, gray, and nasty so a day sitting at the computer is called for. After perusing through my achieves I decided on a few fairly clean limericks based on accidental deaths or injuries. Rather than be off color I decided on weird and these got it covered and then some.
To say I am a baseball fan would be an understatement and when writing about famous orators how could I forget the man, “Yogi Berra”. For me, he’s the perfect example of what old time baseball was all about. He was a great player and manager and always made the Yankees fans proud. Weirdly enough he has since become almost as famous for his stream of hilarious quotations. Here are a few for your entertainment.
“I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
“Baseball is 90% mental- the other half is physical.”
“Nobody goes there anymore – it’s too crowded.”
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
“This is like déjà vu all over again.”
“You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”
“It gets late early out there.”
“Think! How the hell are you going to think and hit at the same time?”
“Slump? I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting.”
When his wife asked, “Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?” His response was, “Surprise me.”
It’s not often I get surprised especially by anonymous gifts from readers. My surprise occurred a few days ago when I received a fifty-page paperback booklet printed in 1999. It contains a collection of what are titled “Looney Limericks”. I haven’t the faintest idea who sent it but please consider this a big thank you, whoever you are. Here are a few samples of some clean and funny limericks apparently written for children.
In my younger days I spent a great deal of time in the oldest graveyards in southern Massachusetts. I did gravestone rubbings, sketches, and even a number of oil paintings. I even stretched t-shirts over gravestones, did rubbings, and sold them through a local gift shop. I had many requests from families for shirts with their family name or their favorite epithets. It seems everyone is either fascinated by graveyards or afraid of them. I’ve always loved them because of the absolute quietness. I spent many an hour curled up with a good book, under a tree, in my favorite graveyard.
Here are a few unusual and catchy tombstone epithets for your entertainment.
M.S. Donald Robertson, died 4 June 1848, age 63. “He was a peaceable man, and, to all appearance a sincere Christian. His death was much regretted – which was caused by the stupidity of Lawrence Tulloch of Clotherton who sold him nitre instead of Epsom salts by which he was killed in the space of three hours after taking a dose of it.” Cross Kirk, Shetland, England
“Sacred for the memory of Anthony Drake, who died for peace and quietness sake. His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’, so he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.” Burlington, Massachusetts
“Sacred to the memory of Elisha Philbrook and his wife Sarah, beneath these stones do lie. Back-to-back, my wife and I. When the last trumpet the air shall fill, if she gets up, I’ll just lie still.” Sargentville, Maine
“Beneath this stone, a lump of clay lies Arabella Young, who on the 21st of May began to hold her tongue.” Hatfield, Massachusetts
Sacred to the memory of Jared Bates who died August the 6th, 1800. His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street, has every qualification for a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.” Lincoln, Maine
“Fear God, keep the commandments, and don’t attempt to climb a tree, for that’s what caused the death of me.” Eastwell, Kent, England
“Here lies I, Jonathan Fry. killed by a skyrocket in my eye socket.” Frodsham, Cheshire, England
The limericks for today relate to accidents – more or less fatal. They are basically “G” rated but will certainly help you start your day with a smile. Enjoy . . .
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There was a young fellow named Hall,
Who fell in the spring in the Fall.
T’would have been a sad thing
If he died in the spring,
But he didn’t – he died in the fall.
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There was a young man of Herne Bay,
Who was making explosives one day.
But he dropped his cigar
In the gun powder jar.
There was a young man of Herne Bay.
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There was a wee girl named Estrella
Who owned an enormous umbrella.
Till one day in a gale
With lightning and hail
The umbrella went up with Estrella
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When a jolly young fisher named Fisher
Went fishing for fish in a fissure,
A fish, with a grin,
Pulled the fishermen in.
Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fisher.
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IT’S MONDAY, START THE WEEK WITH A LAUGH OR A GIGGLE
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