Archive for the ‘jokes’ Tag
Well, welcome to Friday people. Another gloriously gray rainy and crappy day here in Maine. It makes for a really boring day if you can’t leave the house, but I do have plenty of things to break the monotony. Today that will include a few funny and moderately dirty jokes. I know how much all of you seem to enjoy them almost as much as I do. Have a few laughs and then drop to your knees and loudly pray for some effing sunshine.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
- One rainy night a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped out of the alley, jumped in the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rearview mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet naked woman sitting in the backseat. “Where to?” he stammered. “Central Station,” answered the woman. “OK,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?” “Well, ma’am, I notice that you are completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.” The woman spreads her legs, put your feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, ” Does THIS answer your question?” Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie calmly asked, “Got anything smaller?”
- A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in those pills that could help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young doctors’ knee. “Yes, I know that. But every morning I grind up one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”
Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
😜😜😜
One of My Favorite Sayings:
“If you’re the smartest person in the room, then you’re in the wrong room.”
Confucius
It’s another gray and rainy day here in Maine. We had a bit of sunshine yesterday and I had my first hour of deck time without freezing my ass off. But unfortunately, today things have returned to what is normal for March. I just needed something today to make me smile and these jokes were just what the doctor ordered so I thought I’d share them with you.
😁😁😁
A trucker had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and woman lying naked in the center of the road, making love. He blew his horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way, he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the truck, madder than hell, the trucker walked up to the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing my horn? You could’ve been killed!” The man on lying on the highway, obviously satisfied and unconcerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”
😹😹😹
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout “Fuck”?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo”.
🤪🤪🤪
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack. When the squad got there it was too late because the man had died. While consoling the wife, one of the rescuers noticed that their bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The lady calmly replied, “Well, we were in bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing around the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”
😂😂😂
Q. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A. Put a nipple on it.
😉😉😉
Two guys are camping. They are having a little conversation, when all of a sudden one guy yells, “I just got bitten by a snake on the tip of my penis.” The other guy says, “Don’t worry, I’ll go into town and ask a doctor what to do.” So, the guy goes to the nearest town and after 30 minutes finds a doctor. He asks the doctor, “Doctor, my friend just got bitten by a snake. What should I do?” The doctor says, “All you have to do is suck the poison out.” So, the friend returns to the campsite where his friend is lying on the ground whimpering. He asks, “So what did the doctor say?” The friend says, “I’m sorry but the doctor says you’re going to die!
🙂🙂🙂
Q. What’s the ultimate rejection?
A. When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
*****
HAVE A CHUCKLE OR TWO
Now that we’re a few days into the month of March I began getting those terrible Spring Fever feelings. I know it’s wishful thinking this early but I’m sick and tired of this cold weather and snow and power outages and all of the other benefits of living in Maine. Let me brighten up your day a little with a few jokes that might just make you smile and forget it still effing March.
- Two prim and proper southern rural sisters, Georgia and Loreen, were sitting on the porch in rocking chairs discussing Loreen’s recent trip to New York City. Loreen says, “Sister, did you know that in New York City there are women who kiss other women on the lips?” Georgette gasps and exclaims, “Oh, sister! What do they call them?” “They call them lesbians,” Loreen replies. “And, sister, did you know that in New York City there are men who kiss other men on the lips?” “Oh, sister,” says Georgia, fanning herself in a startled frenzy. “What do they call them?” “They call them gay, “Loreen says. “And, sister, did you know that in New York City there are men who kiss women on their private parts?” To this, Georgia’s face turns bright red, and she nearly falls out of her chair as she explains,”Ohhhhh, sister! What do they call them?” Loreen smiles a secretive smile and proudly announces, “Well, I don’t know but when he looked up, I called him Precious!”
- Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “What are those things on your chest?” Unsure of how to reply she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter will be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning, he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why, Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float away to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no further questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy is dying!” “Uncle Harry is blowing up mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, Oh God, I’m coming!”
- Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees, always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay someone off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. After much thought, he eventually decided he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah got a terrible headache and needed to take an aspirin. She got the aspirin out of her purse and went to the water cooler to get something to wash it down. Mr. Smith followed her to the water cooler, placed his hand on here shoulder and said, “Sarah, I’m going to have to lay you, or Jack, off.” Sarah said, “You’ll just have to jackoff – I have a terrible headache!”
297 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS
That should wipe that smile off your face.
In my younger days I considered myself a scratch golfer. I played with many of my friends, family, and people I worked with for years and always had a great time. I thought today I’d lighten things up a little with some golfing jokes. I’m sure all of you golfers out there will appreciate these three jokes but I can honestly say they can’t compare to the experiences I actually had with my friends and family. Enjoy . . .
- One day a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed up in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want with me.” So, he tied her up and went golfing.
- So, there are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. “Sure, I’d love to play, says George, but I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” So, Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9 AM and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he’d like to play again the following Saturday. “Yeah, sounds great”, says George. “But I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” The following Saturday, again, all four golfers, show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. As they’re getting ready to leave, George says, “See you next Saturday, but I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use and every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple of months, Ted is pretty damn tired of this routine, so he says, “Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about 10 minutes late, but you’re right on time. You then beat us either left-handed or right-handed, what’s the story? “Well,” George says, “I’m kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look over at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.” “So, what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” “Well . . . That’s one of days I’ll be 10 minutes late.”
- A man constantly and continuously talked only about golf. His angry wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t talk about something else. She: “Let’s talk about sex.” He: “I wonder if Tiger Woods got laid last night?”
FORE!
Quote of the Day
“Three may keep a Secret if two of them are dead.”
Benjamin Franklin
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Joke of the Day #1
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting that would be related to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher began calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a little crude. Eventually his turn came, and Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, and then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him what that dot meant. “It’s a period,” reported Johnny. “Well, I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period?” “Damned if I know,” said Johnny. “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then my daddy had a heart attack, mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
There was a young lady, named Frances,
Who decided to better her chances,
By cleverly adding
Appropriate padding,
To enlarge her protuberances!
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Joke of the Day #2
News Flash: Today the world was stunned by the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was thirty six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, “Pinkie” as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual overstimulation. Apparently, someone put the bunny’s batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming . . .
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
Much learning does not teach understanding.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Quote of the Day
Christmas is the season of giving.
“A gift is pure when it is given from the heart to the right
person at the right time and at the right place, and when
we expect nothing in return.”
Bhagavad Gita
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.” The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said. “Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may also pass through the pearly gates.” The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?” The man replied, “These are Carol’s.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
Old Santa had such a lovely beard,
Who once said, “It is just as I feared!
Two owls and a hen,
Four larks and a wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!”
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
One Christmas Eve, Santa was under a lot of stress. He and Mrs. Claus had just had a fight, it was nearly time to leave, and his sleigh wasn’t loaded, and the elves were talking about going on strike. Then an angel walked into his office and asked, “Hey, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?” And so was born the tradition of there being an angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Wisdom of the Day
Charity knows neither race nor creed.
Quote of the Day
“He repeated to himself an old French proverb that he made up that morning.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald
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Joke of the Day #1
A man and woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and, in a rage, sliced off the man’s penis. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window. Driving behind that couple was a man in his car with his six-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden, the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck there for a moment, then flew off. Surprised, the daughter asked her father, “Daddy, what the heck was that?” Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, “It…it was only a bug, honey.” The daughter sat with a confused look on her face for a moment and said, “Sure had a big dick, didn’t it?”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
And unfaithful old bounder, called Reg,
Had neglected his marital pledge,
Till his long-suffering wife
Fetched her sharpest kitchen knife
And removed his meat and two veg.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
An old farmer in Georgia owned a large farm for many years. He had a pond in the back, fixed up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and a basketball court. The pond was properly shaped and constructed for swimming. One day the farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, to look things over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, “Were not coming out until you leave!” The old man replied with a grin, I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked. I’m just here to feed the alligator.”
The Moral: Old age and cunning will always triumph over youth and enthusiasm.
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Wisdom of the Day
The fewer the words the better the prayer.
Quote of the Day
“The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.”
Oscar Wilde
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Joke of the Day #1
“A teacher asks her class, “If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on Little Johnny to answer. He replies, “There are none left, they all flew away with the first gun shot.” The teacher replies, “The correct answer is actually four, but I like your way of thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down from the top and sucking on the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?” The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” To which Little Johnny replies, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your way of thinking.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
There was a young virgin named Jeanie,
Whose dad was an absolute meanie.
When he finished a hatch,
With a latch, for her snatch –
She could only be had by Houdini.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
An old man goes to a local wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the original curse on you.” The old man said without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
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Wisdom of the Day
Myths which are believed tend to become true.
Quote of the Day
“Calamity and Prosperity are the Touchstones of Integrity.”
Benjamin Franklin
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Joke of the Day #1
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He craws to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and up pops a genie . . . But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket and he has a pencil tucked behind one ear. “Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how this works. You have three wishes. . .” “I’m not falling for this,” says the man. “I’m not going to trust a person from the IRS.” “What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!” says Mr. IRS. The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. “Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.” ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. “Okay, kid, what’s your second wish?” “My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.” ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. “Okay kid you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!” After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.” ***POOF*** He is immediately turned into a tampon. The moral of this story is that if the IRS offers you anything, there’s bound to be a string attached.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
A lap-dancing club is the place,
Where damsels, who’ve spurned social grace,
Will strip off their gear,
Stick a tit in your ear,
And waggle their bum in your face.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job very soon.” The second woman says haughtily, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m actually thinking of having my asshole bleached!” To which the first replies, “Whoa, I just can’t picture your husband has a blonde!”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
When the fox preaches, look to your geese.
Quote of the Day
“To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee.”
Emily Dickinson
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Joke of the Day #1
A man and woman are sitting beside each other on a flight to New York. The woman loudly sneezes, takes out a tissue, gently wipes her nose and then visibly shudders for about ten seconds. A few minutes later the woman sneezes again. Once more, she takes a tissue, wipes her nose and then shudders. A few more minutes pass before the woman again sneezes and violently shudders. Curious, the man says “I can’t help noticing that you shudder every time you sneeze. Are you okay?” “I’m so sorry if I’m disturbing you”, says the woman. “I’m suffering from a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an immediate orgasm.” “Are you taking anything for it?” he asks. “Yes,” says the woman. “Pepper.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
The limerick is calloused and crude,
It’s morals distressingly lewd.
It’s not worth the reading
By persons of breeding.
It’s designed for us vulgar and rude.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
An attractive young woman had finished taking her golf lessons from the club pro. She just started playing her first round when she got a bee sting. The pain was so intense she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you back so early? What’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee” was her reply. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second holes” she replied. He just shook his head and nodded knowingly and said, “It’s obvious, your stance is too wide.”
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Wisdom of the Day
A pleasure deferred is a pleasure intensified.
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