Archive for the ‘limericks’ Tag
It’s raining, it cloudy, it’s gray, and I’m suffering from a total lack of interest in just about everything. This change of seasons gets me down every year and has done so for as long as I can remember. It’s sort of become a really annoying tradition for me. I’ve always been told by others that traditions are the backbone of everything and with that in mind I guess I’ll celebrate that tradition with this new tradition.
You know what that means . . . . more totally useless information. There’s really no way to categorize this kind of stuff and I won’t even try. I’ll just put it out there for your enjoyment and you can decide if it’s worth your time or not. So, there will be no photographs today because I’m too preoccupied with being bored to be taking pictures. Let’s get started.
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28% of Africa is wilderness while 38% of North America is wilderness.
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On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
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Heavyweight boxing champion, Ken Norton, was rejected for the role of Apollo Creed in the 1976 film Rocky because he made the star Sylvester Stallone look too small.
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The largest fruit crop on earth is grapes – followed by bananas.
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No one knows exactly why a duck’s quack doesn’t echo.
I’m on my third cup of coffee, still in bed, and munching on a miniature lemon/poppy seed muffin. I just don’t get these small versions of normal muffins. People are only kidding themselves if they think it’s healthier to only eat these tiny little useless muffins instead of the real thing. Give me a big full sized, fat, sugary, crunchy muffin with two inches of frosting on it any day of the week. If you’re going to eat something sinful don’t mess around, go for it. Revel in the wickedness of your evil deeds. Forgive me but I seem to have wandered off the reservation a little due to the influences of this destructive and dangerous sugar I just ingested. Back to the point of this posting which as you should know is "there is no point".
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Actress Farrah Fawcett had a tap named after her – the gold plated Farrah Fawcet.
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The snow scenes in the film It’s a Wonderful Life were shot during a record heat wave in southern California.
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As of 2002, rats in New York outnumbered humans by twelve to one.
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A pigs orgasm lasts for thirty minutes.
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When press tycoon William Randolph Hearst sent a telegram to a leading astronomer asking if there was life on Mars and to please cable a thousand words on the subject, he received the reply, “Nobody knows,” repeated five hundred times.
It’s only proper when posting some useless information to end that posting with a big bang or three. There’s nothing better than a few really raunchy and bawdy limericks to kick start your day. Enjoy.
The derriere Doris displays
In the park never fails to amaze;
She flounces and bounces
Those wonderful ounces,
And old men are ecstatic for days.
* * *
There was a young virgin named Jeanie
Whose dad was an absolute meanie;
When he’d fashioned a hatch,
With a latch, for her snatch –
She could only be had by Houdini!
* * *
I’d rather have fingers than toes.
I’d rather have ears than a nose.
And, a happy erection
Brought just to perfection
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
HAVE A GREAT DAY
It’s time for you to discover just how much you really know about these United States of ours. While the questions were moderately difficult, they were answerable with a little thought and a basic knowledge of the country (in my opinion). The answers are as follows:
1. Florida and South Dakota.
2. Hilo, on the big Island of Hawaii. It’s at 19° 42 N; Mexico City is at 19° 25 N.
3. Hell’s Canyon, also known as the Grand Canyon of the Snake River, which reaches a depth of 7900 feet.
4. I-10, I-80, and I-90.
5. Eight.
6. Hartford, Connecticut; Dover, Delaware; Boston, Massachusetts; and Richmond Virginia.
7. Juneau, Alaska. It covers an area of 3,108 square miles. Rhode Island covers 1214 square miles.
8. New Orleans
9. 13: The entire states of Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa and Nebraska; and parts of Louisiana, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota and Minnesota.
10. Boonesborough.
Lets end last week and begin the new week with a few laughs. As you all know I’m a sucker for limericks. I’ve made a point of collecting as many of them as possible, both funny and filthy. Some I’ll forward along but even for the likes of me the language on some others is a little rough.
I thought today I would send a few your way written by children. I was amazed by their creativity and the complexity of their work.
There was a young girl called Miss Muffet
Who sat down one day on a tuffet,
She’d sooner have had
A chair, I might add,
But sometimes you just have to rough it.
Two brothers called Reggie and Fred
Chased a fierce-looking wasp from their bed;
Said Fred: “It’s gone. How?”
Said Reg: “Don’t look now . . .
”But it’s sitting on top of your head!”
There was an old prophet called Jonah
who said sailing a ship from Ancona;
One day, in a gale,
He was ate by a whale,
and sicked up on the beach in a coma.
A jolly old fellow in red
Set his reindeer on full-speed ahead;
And all in one night,
Much faster than light,
Left presents round everyone’s bed!
There’s a witch in our village called Joyce
Who is cursed with a hideous voice;
But, please, don’t assume
She rides round on a broom,
She’s rich, and she drives a Rolls-Royce!
They’re well on their way to becoming the next generation who will eventually write all those dirty little ones I love so much. Don’t you just love tradition? I can’t end this posting until I give you one little off-color limerick to jump-start your day.
There was a young man named McBride,
who could fart anytime that he tried;
In a contest he blew
Seven thousand and two,
But then shit and was disqualified!
Have a great day! For those of you in Israel, I hope you scored higher than you anticipated. Remember those bonus points I mentioned.
I miss a lot of people who’ve passed through my life over the years as I’m sure everyone does. I also miss people I never had the pleasure of meeting but enjoyed their talents so much they became part of my family and my reality.
A few days ago I was sitting in my favorite chair with my leg elevated and began surfing around the channels looking for anything that was wasn’t a rerun or just plain crap. After a while I happened upon an infomercial that for the first time actually caught my eye and held my full attention. It was an advertisement for a collection of old Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts. I laughed a bit but was especially surprised to see my all time favorite TV personality make an appearance, Johnny Carson.
I watched his Tonight Show as often as possible for more more years than I care to admit and in my opinion he was the all time funniest bastard ever. I like Leno but he barely registers on my radar. Letterman in my opinion has always been overrated and I don’t understand why. Jimmy Kimmel has his moments but not much more than that. And a personal message for Arsenio Hall, “Please just go away, once and for all, just go away.”
After a little looking around I did find a few quotations and comments made by Johnny over the years that I think will tickle your funny bone. It was fun reading them and getting to enjoy his humor once again. Take a look.
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“I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight’s monologue is going to come back as a dog.”
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“Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.”
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“The difference between love and lust is that lust never costs over $200.”
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“Thanksgiving is in emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once year is way too often.”
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“Any time four New Yorkers get into Together without arguing, a bank robbery is just taken place.”
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“Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.”
Man, I really miss that guy. Now I think it’s time for a few limericks to brighten up your day. Here are a few off-color ones you might enjoy:
There once was a harlot at Yale,
With her price list tattooed on her tail;
and on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
She had its emblazoned in Braille.
My dear, you looks simply divine,
And I know that we’ll get along fine;
For making ends meet
Will be such a treat,
When one is yours, and ones mine.
A mortician, practiced in Fyfe,
Made love to the corpse of his wife;
”I couldn’t know, Judge:
She was cold and didn’t budge
The same as she acted in life!”
There once was a young fellow from Cass
whose balls were made out of brass;
When they tinkled together,
They played “Stormy Weather”,
And lightning shot out of his ass!”
They probably weren’t as filthy as you expected but I hesitate to reprint the really nasty ones. Maybe one day I’ll just put together a list of the dirtiest and most disgusting ones I can find. I hate to admit to having a sense of humor that even appreciates that kind of funny but I do.
Now that most of the drama is over concerning my broken leg it’s time to get back to the serious business of blogging. This country is on the road to Obamacare whether we like it or not. The country was fed a bill of goods and we and our children and grandchildren will now pay for that mistake. There’s nothing all that funny about it except for this article I found recently. This is the kind of thing we can look forward to dealing with on a regular basis once Obamacare is in full swing.
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Update on Nancy’s Surgery
Dear Family and Friends,
Most of you know our friend Nancy went in for a Butt Lift surgical procedure using the ObamaCare Medical Plan.
She didn’t have the most pleasant experience and should have just left well enough alone. We wanted to show you the results so you’ll have some idea of the quality of care you’ll receive from the Affordable Healthcare Act(ObamaCare).
Please . . Whatever you do DO NOT get a Butt Lift through the ObamaCare Medical Plan. The ObamaCare qualified Doctor who handled Nancy’s surgery was a 3rd year foreign exchange medical student making 12 bucks an hour.
You’ve been warned!
I also found these two limericks which I thought were poignant and conveyed my thoughts perfectly on Obama. They were obtained from a web site that held an Obama limerick contest. Thanks to these creative individuals for giving me a chuckle or two. I hope you enjoy them as well.
Submitted by surfdt
He promised us change and we got it
Though not quite the way that we thought it
To his left he owes debt
To his right, deep regret
And our kids will be broke cause we bought it.
Submitted by Ed Coyne
There once was a man from Nantucket
OBAMA SUCKS!
(Sorry, I’ve just never been good at rhyming)
I’ll begin celebrating today after posting this blog entry. When I retired the Anti-Stupidity Blog one year ago I challenged myself to start a new blog and to write for one year, 365 posts, without missing a day and not using graphics, catchy and cutesy headlines or photographs. It sounded easy at the time but it was anything but.
I needed a lot of willpower but after the first six months my reserve of motivation was almost exhausted. I worked through it and today that challenge and goal have been met.
I’ll start fresh on October 27th (tomorrow) with an better outlook and a return to what some consider normalcy in blogging. I’ll use the occasional photograph or two in the future but not gratuitously. The majority of these photo’s will be those I’ve taken myself. I’ll be adding a word or two in addition to the date to indicate the general content of each post. Since I’ve become somewhat addicted to this style of posting it will continue this way for the foreseeable future.
I’m looking forward to the next year and I hope you are as well. Tomorrow will be the start of something a little different but the endless quantities of totally useless information will continue. The trivia quizzes will return and number of new twists can be expected there. I’ll continue to comment on celebrities and their unusual activities, other inappropriate humor, and as many dirty and filthy limericks as I can find or create. I’ll do the occasional book review and anything else that catches my fancy.
The world is my oyster and I’ll keep searching for those proverbial pearls of wisdom to pass on to you. Onward and Upward!
I’d like to lighten things up today with a short discussion about some of my favorite things, limericks. I’ve been a huge fan from an early age and unfortunately I like my limericks as dirty as possible. I had an relative years ago who had a huge book of really filthy limericks which he would bring out a parties to read a few and get the place rocking a bit.
I’ve written my fair share of limericks and it’s actually a fun thing to do. There are literally hundreds of thousands of them out there and if you don’t find them funny as hell your really missing out.
I have some favorites but I would never attempt to blog them because my better-half would kill me. Fortunately there are so many others available in so many categories I hopefully can keep it somewhat clean. I make no promises because limericks are meant to be dirty. Here’s one I’ve been saving for my better-half’s daughter who just happens to be an middle school math teacher.
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‘Tis a favourite project of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it’s simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9
Of course some limericks convey thoughts and comments about religion and the good and evil we all must learn to deal with.
I could put a few more of these boring limericks but let’s cut to the chase for a few sexually oriented ones.
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There was a Young Man from Kent
Whose Rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!
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An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand Mal seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
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There was a young lady from Nizes
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.
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There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.
Those were examples of a few mildly sexual limericks. I won’t be taking you any further down the limerick’s road to depravity today but possibly at a later date I’ll post a few of the more disgusting ones I’ve found. I’ll have to post them late at night from a darkened computer room to avoid complications with my somewhat prudish better-half.
Here are two I wrote this morning just to show you how easy it can be if you’d like to explore your creative side.
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There once was a man from Maine
To whom life seemed a mere game
He blogged and he blogged
Till his brain became clogged
With comments received from the lame
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Every Useless Thing is a fun blog
But the author’s been in a real fog
The writing comes easy
But at times can turn sleazy
Like having sex with a ‘ho’ and her dog
If I can stumble my way through the process then anyone can. Give it your best shot and make it as filthy as you’d like. Send it over and I’ll be sure to post it.
everyuselessthing.com 