Archive for the ‘maine’ Tag
I’d like to lighten things up today with a short discussion about some of my favorite things, limericks. I’ve been a huge fan from an early age and unfortunately I like my limericks as dirty as possible. I had an relative years ago who had a huge book of really filthy limericks which he would bring out a parties to read a few and get the place rocking a bit.
I’ve written my fair share of limericks and it’s actually a fun thing to do. There are literally hundreds of thousands of them out there and if you don’t find them funny as hell your really missing out.
I have some favorites but I would never attempt to blog them because my better-half would kill me. Fortunately there are so many others available in so many categories I hopefully can keep it somewhat clean. I make no promises because limericks are meant to be dirty. Here’s one I’ve been saving for my better-half’s daughter who just happens to be an middle school math teacher.
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‘Tis a favourite project of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it’s simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9
Of course some limericks convey thoughts and comments about religion and the good and evil we all must learn to deal with.
I could put a few more of these boring limericks but let’s cut to the chase for a few sexually oriented ones.
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There was a Young Man from Kent
Whose Rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!
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An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand Mal seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
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There was a young lady from Nizes
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.
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There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.
Those were examples of a few mildly sexual limericks. I won’t be taking you any further down the limerick’s road to depravity today but possibly at a later date I’ll post a few of the more disgusting ones I’ve found. I’ll have to post them late at night from a darkened computer room to avoid complications with my somewhat prudish better-half.
Here are two I wrote this morning just to show you how easy it can be if you’d like to explore your creative side.
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There once was a man from Maine
To whom life seemed a mere game
He blogged and he blogged
Till his brain became clogged
With comments received from the lame
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Every Useless Thing is a fun blog
But the author’s been in a real fog
The writing comes easy
But at times can turn sleazy
Like having sex with a ‘ho’ and her dog
If I can stumble my way through the process then anyone can. Give it your best shot and make it as filthy as you’d like. Send it over and I’ll be sure to post it.
I thought I’d stop complaining about politics for a few days to begin complaining about Mother Nature and her lack of respect for me and my gardening skills. We seem to have the start of a summer with no moderate weather conditions. For most of the month of May we had warm days and very cold nights. We also were taken by surprise by a late frost or two that hit us with almost no notice. The days were warm but the wind had a cold edge to it that just wouldn’t let up. The frost ended up costing us a few dollars when it killed a number of the recently purchased cucumber plants.
In past years that would have set me off but I guess when you can’t do control something you have to move along and not let it make you too crazy. I replanted the cukes again after being assured by a nursery owner friend that we were safe from another frost. Do we get a few days of moderate weather? No effing way.
A week ago I was sitting on my deck relaxing and talking with my sister in Pittsburgh. It was warm but still had a bit of chill in the air. My sister was complaining about the heat wave they were suffering from and that the temps had been in the eighties for a few days. We here in Maine usually receive the exact weather as Pennsylvania just three or so days later. We had a day of moderate rain and then our heat wave arrived just as expected. For three miserable days the heat was almost unbearable. It was too hot to sit on the deck until late afternoon and sleeping became a freaking nightmare. All of this weather and it wasn’t even June yet. On top of the stifling heat the sun effectively roasted and toasted a large section of the garden.
So I make another trip back to the nursery for a few more replacement plants. A number of other plants were slightly damaged as well but we were still hoping for a little rain to help them survive. Three days later they died as well as did some of the latest replacements. This kind of stuff is expected these days with weird weather patterns slowly becoming the norm. It gives me a whole new understanding and appreciation of how it must have been back in the day when your life and your families life depended on having a successful garden and crops. Those old time farmers must have had a great deal of faith and a lot of guts.
Once again I replanted all of the cucumbers, watered them in, and prayed the weather would moderate a little with just enough rain to keep them healthy. It was now the first of June and I hoped for the best. Another mistake for sure. I monitored the weather and soon became aware of possible thunder storms heading our way. It began to rain and it poured for hours. It was so bad that some of my newest plantings were washed out of the ground. I’m beginning to get the idea that the gardening gods are messing with me.
If your going to garden you must be ready for almost anything. Patience is required as well as a supply of really good cuss words. They don’t actually help the situation but they do have the ability to make you feel a little better.
I’ve just replanted the cukes for the third and hopefully last time.
At the rate the grass is growing it should be knee high in a matter of days. That should give me something new to stress about. Mother Nature is definitely not our friend so far this Spring.
It appears that Spring Is really here this time. The night time temperatures are rising and yesterday they made it into the mid-eighties for the first time. Maybe just maybe we can put the worries about frost and cold air behind us. We suffered a light frost two nights ago which was more than a little unusual for late May even here In Maine.
The garden’s been completed with all the plants in the ground and on their way to producing the things we require for next winter. The herb garden had some recent issues with space requirements due to an out of control apple mint plant that was determined to take over the entire area. It grew up and over an oregano plant that I’ve had for years and killed it. I was forced to attack that plant with a shovel and cut away close to sixty-five percent of it. I then surrounded it with a box that extends deep into the soil to stop it from spreading it’s runners in every direction. I replanted three new oregano plants nearby and hopefully they’ll grow healthy and keep us supplied through next winter. I need to be extra careful that I don’t harvest too much or I’ll be the idiot responsible for killing them.
Last year at the beginning of the season I planted two rhubarb plants. I knew it would be at least a year before I could harvest any of them for jams or jellies. The plants need to be firmly established before you can start chopping away at them. I think I’ve been successful because both plants are growing out of control already. Normally my neighbors, who also grow rhubarb plants, see theirs grow not much more than two feet high. Both of my plants are going strong and are already three and a half feet high and I can just about taste that strawberry-rhubarb jam we’ll be making later this Fall.
I can now sit on the deck and watch the garden grow for the next three months. I’ll be forced to kill some insects, slugs, and other assorted pests but that’s just normal gardening activities. My biggest fears are the deer that love to show up once the plants are a few inches tall and chew them off a ground level. This is the same battle my father fought for years and never was able to completely win.
Everyone I know has their own methods for dealing with deer but honestly they don’t have much more success than he did. I’ve been told to spread powdered blood around, hang human hair in panty hose from the trees, build a six foot high fence, and the best and most disgusting solution was for me to urinate around the garden whenever possible. As much as I like peeing outside, I think I’ll skip that one. It could very quickly make my neighbors a little uncomfortable.
My better-half has suggested we build a human size scarecrow in the hopes it will scare the deer away in those early hours of the morning when they usually visit. I think I’ll try and create one that looks as much like my ex-wife as possible. It should certainly scare the hell out of them just like it will scare the hell out of me. I guess I can deal with that kind of trauma if it keeps the freaking deer out of my garden. Man just thinking about that sends a cold chill up my back.
Thank God there aren’t many moose in this general vicinity. Even a scarecrow of my ex-wife wouldn’t scare those big bastards away. Life in Maine is always interesting.
Today my better-half and I took a break from yard work, gardening, and working in general. It was a sunny and warm day so we decided to take a trip down memory lane. We made a nostalgic drive down to the southern border of Maine and retraced a route we used many years ago when we spent some weekends visiting yard sales and flea markets. The routes took us into New Hampshire a few times and back into Maine. The scenery was beautiful and with a little good music was really enjoyable.
When I first moved to the Maine and New Hampshire area in 1999 one of the first things I discovered was the incredible number of yard sales. On any Saturday afternoon if I so desired I could visit thirty to forty of them without driving more than a few miles from my home. I was a little hesitant going into people’s yards and garages but I finally got over that. I made so many incredible purchases in the first few months that I became hooked.
It wasn’t until a few years later that my better-half and I met and began our lives together. During all the billing and cooing and rush of a new relationship we started making yard sale safaris as one of our regular weekend activities. We developed specific routes in and around the border depending on what types of things we were searching for. We made many great purchases and had fun doing it.
We knew the best times to shop and the yard sales that always sold specific types of merchandise. We knew which yard sale always carried car accessories and auto parts, craft materials, collectibles and home goods. We knew if we visited the "Pig Lady" my better half could buy any number of pig related collectibles for her pig collection. We visited the "Bottle Guy" who was an old hoarder with three building full of antique glassware, old furniture, and just about anything else you could think of. He had forty years of treasures stuffed into some old and filthy buildings. We knew to wear gloves after our first visit there.
As we began our trek today we were reasonably sure that most of those old places had long since disappeared. We were wrong. Many of our old stops were still there doing business and hadn’t changed a bit. We searched through the "Bottle Guy’s" place for an hour and really found nothing we wanted or needed this trip. It was still fun to return to these places we visited for so many years and to reminisce a little.
We didn’t make many purchases today but that was okay. It was more about our time spent together and remembering the fun we had back in the day. We plan on doing this more often in the future so we can have more quality time together away from he normal madness. It’s an activity that clears the mind, reminds us again of how much fun we can have together, and finding an occasional treasure or two is just a “cherry on top of the sundae”.
We even managed to stop at a little corner store out in the middle of nowhere to enjoy a few pieces of chicken. This was a stop we never missed because the chicken was to die for.
After today I came to truly understand why I’d never have made a very good farmer. It’s one of the hardest working careers someone could possibly pursue. I was advised by my nursery owning friend that the final fear of frost had finally passed and now I’m free to begin planting my garden. I’ve been waiting patiently for this day for weeks which should explain just how stupid I can be.
While my garden is not a full fledged farm, it still requires a great deal of work and attention to be successful. My preparations for this summers garden started last Fall when I composted the entire garden. It’s continued until today with making the decisions on what will be grown, how much to plant, where to plant, and when to plant. I purchased the majority of the plants early but it was too cold to plant them. I’ve had them stored in a cold frame for almost two weeks until the fear of frost had passed.
I started my day today by planting kale, spinach, beets, kohlrabi, and a selection of new herbs. For the second year I’ve been forced to replace a number of herb plants that didn’t survive the winter. It’s frustrating as hell but it’s something I’ve learned to live with. I added thyme, lime basil, dill, cilantro, rosemary, and curry to the already existing plants. The herb garden is now complete for this year and I hope I can harvest enough this Fall to get us through next winter.
After having a quick lunch I began planting the remaining plants I’ve been nursing along for all these weeks. I planted my zucchini, yellow squash, and pickling cucumbers. A few years ago I picked up a tip from an old gardener on how to grow these types of plants. He explained that when planting just place a partially crushed hard boiled egg a few inches beneath each plant to provide extra nourishment during the early growth weeks. I tried it for the first time last year with excellent results. I grew a number of plants with eggs and an equal number and type without. There was a marked difference in the size of the plants with eggs as well as the amount of squash, cucumbers, and zucchini s they produced.
After completing the planting I watered everything by hand to help them get established. I then hooked up the sprinkler system and tested it. As always problems arise at the worst times. One of the sprinkler sections refused to work requiring another hour of my time to repair it. One last job was to de-slug the garden. Our worst problem here are slugs that can be really destructive if not properly controlled. I spread a sufficient amount of pellets around each plant to begin the battle for this year. I’ll be forced to do this at least three more times this growing season to keep those damn slugs under control.
Water every day, try to chase away the deer, rabbits, and other creatures at night and maybe the garden will be a success. Expect the worst and hope for the best. I couldn’t even begin to understand how farmers with hundreds of acres ever get all of their work done but I’m glad they do.
Hopefully after today I can sit on my deck for a few months and watch everything grow. Then it will be time to harvest all the goodies and prepare the garden for next year.
Spring has finally sprung here in Maine. That cold nip that’s been in the air for the last few weeks seems to be disappearing and sitting on my deck actually feels warm instead of just in the sunny spots.
Something else is an excellent predictor of warm weather and that’s road construction. We’re just a week away from the beginning of the tourist season which under normal conditions is a huge pain in the butt. Add the influx of tourist to the unbelievable amount of road construction and what do you get? You get madness.
I spent a portion of my day yesterday riding around the area, running errands, and just enjoying the sunshine. I saw a few things I found more than a little disturbing. I once lived in the Boston area and there we were required to suffer through traffic jams which are a way of life. I spent more than seventeen years sitting on Rte. 128 in gigantic traffic jams and logged more time sitting on that highway than I did in my office. It was one of the many reasons I felt a move to Maine was a good idea.
Maine is a very large state with a reasonably small population and under normal circumstances we have a difficult time even finding a traffic jam. Unfortunately that appears to be changing this year. I spent more time than I’d like sitting in construction traffic yesterday and I swear I must have seen at least sixty percent of the state’s population. They were all jammed into one of the main intersections in Scarborough, Maine which has been under construction for at least two months.
It takes a real genius to begin a large road construction project just prior to tourist season at one of the busiest intersections in the area without being absolutely certain it will be completed before the tourists arrive. It’s not the town officials that are to blame but the idiots from the state government in Augusta. They bitch and complain about the poor economy and then do their level best to screw things up.
The perfect example to make my point was this scene. You have two large intersections within a couple of hundred yards of each other. There are no less than fourteen lanes of traffic merging into and out of this area which unfortunately is the direct driving route to the beaches and the marsh areas where tourist love to visit. Every lane except for two was closed.
I sat and watched some poor schmuck standing in a shallow hole spreading asphalt with a wooden paddle. He was sweating his butt off as he pushed and pulled the material around to get it level. Standing right next to him were four supervisors in their pretty white hard hats, reading their clip boards, and watching the poor guy working. Making a rough estimate I would calculate that more than $100.00 an hour was being spent to supervise one guy making $20.00 an hour. I really appreciated that the entire group of supervisors were proud enough to wear their official State of Maine, Department of Transportation jackets. It’s the perfect way to advertise to "We the People" where our hard earned tax money is being spent.
Shortly after Memorial Day that intersection will be an even bigger nightmare. I’m certain that all of our Canadian visitors will really appreciate spending a good portion of their vacation time sitting in the heat at that intersection. You haven’t lived until you’ve experienced a road rage incident where someone is screaming obscenities at you in French. At least I won’t understand what the hell their saying.
I’ve now lived in Maine for almost thirteen years and I’ve been told by a few native born Mainer’s that until you’ve lived here at least ten years your not considered a real Mainer. Since I’m now certified and official I’ve earned the right to criticize and make fun of my fellow citizens.
I’ve always been someone who sings Maine’s praises and really do love living here. It’s one of the most beautiful states in the country with many natural resources and scenic coastlines. That being said it also has issues you should be made aware of. Some years ago I stumbled on this list and found it funny as hell. A lot of time has passed since then but this list still rings true.
If you decide to visit our lovely state then you need more information than the stuff always published in the travel brochures. This list is so true it’s a little scary. Here are the things you can expect.
The local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May.
People at Home Depot will offer you assistance and they don’t even work there.
It’s not unusual for you to have a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.
You will learn to measure distance in hours not miles.
You will meet several people who’ve hit a deer more than once if you stay more than a week.
You’ll be swimming in August wearing a full body wetsuit.
You may switch from heat and AC in the same day and then back again.
You may learn to drive 75 miles through 2 feet of snow during a blizzard without flinching.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife will know how to use them.
Children’s Halloween costumes here are designed to fit over a snowsuit.
You will learn all about our four seasons: almost Winter, Winter, still Winter, and road construction.
You’ll have more miles on your snow blower than on your car.
Bear these facts in mind when you come to visit. It can be cold and snowy in the blink of an eye except for the months of June, July, and part of August.
I’m lying here this morning and cursing the fact that Spring has apparently sprung. These last few days of beautiful weather must have effected by mind and made me even more stupid than people say I am. I’ve been completely caught up in the Spring Fever craziness and I’m paying the price for it today.
Yesterday was my first full day dedicated totally to yard work and garden preparations. I dearly love gardening but I made a rookie mistake and allowed myself to forget about the basics of working outside. Full sunshine should never be ignored or forgotten, EVER. I started my day by pulling out the rototiller and spent an hour turning over the soil in the garden to loosen it up before planting. Then getting even more stupid I continued working by placing black landscape fabric over the garden frames and attaching it to the ground with large metal staples. This fabric is cool because it eliminates weeding but still allows the rain water to soak through. The sun was very hot but I was in the gardening zone, unfortunately.
I was still pumped about the day so I decided after finishing the fabric installation to fire up my riding mower and do a quick yard cleanup. Now I’ve been in the sun without any lotion or hat for some four hours. I was still feeling good so I kept on going by cutting the grass for the first time this year.
If you look up the word stupid in the dictionary you just might find my photograph there. I am the poster boy for stupid as reflected in my cherry red head, nose, cheeks, ears, and lips. I took a shower before going to bed and I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t hear all the screaming. I am an effing moron who looks like a French Fry. I slopped at least a pint of lotion on my face and head hoping that it would help but it didn’t. I probably won’t be able to shave in the morning or even smile.
After all of that I still had a great day. Having been sick for the previous week really put me behind schedule on the garden work and unfortunately Mother Nature waits for no man. Now I’m fully up to speed and back on schedule. As soon as my face stops glowing I’ll be right back out there playing in the dirt and enjoying as much of the warm weather as I can.
I’d like to continue this posting but a cold shower and another bottle of lotion await.
I had a hour of free time today so I decided to take a trip down memory lane. My better-half has gotten it into her head to do a little redecorating of the house. She’s started using one of my own favorite terms against me, "think outside the box." I’ve been trying for years to convince her to leave her comfort zone and use her creative abilities and now I’m afraid I may have created a monster.
For years I’ve gone through creative periods myself and produced art works that are considered unusual by some and well "outside the box" to others. Many of those pieces were discarded as I moved from place to place over the years and I regret that. Fortunately, many others I did save and have been moving them around with me for decades.
After I moved into this house I laid claim to a very small and unused room where I now store many of these pieces. My better-half has requested that I look through the room for anything interesting she could use in her redecorating efforts. I began today by slowing pulling out each piece to determine condition and suitability. It was like a really weird trip down memory lane. As I looked at each piece the exact memories of when it was made come rushing back. I was able to remember people and places I thought I’d forgotten. I was very surprised just how quickly and vividly those memories came rushing back. I guess it’s my own version of a poor man’s time travel machine. It appears to be true that the brain keeps all of our experiences stored away in it’s attic awaiting retrieval.
One of my most involved projects took me years to complete. It was a series of twenty collages varying in size from a few inches to four feet in length. These collages contain tidbits of my life that I began saving when I enlisted in the Army. They contain bits and pieces of my life collected over many years with photos of old friends, , family, love letters, newspaper articles, mementos, and just about anything else you can think of. The entire project was called " My Life Panels".
I spent almost all of my time yesterday just sitting and reading these panels, seeing forgotten old friends, and remembering details of my rather interesting life. I’ll have to continue this process at a later time because today I’ve become totally distracted. It might be easier and go a little quicker if I have my better-half involved. She’s always had the ability to keep me from becoming too sidetracked.
I can look back now and thank myself for a job well done. I truthfully never expected the day to come when I’d be using the panels in this way. I think I did good.
Just as a common courtesy I thought I’d let everyone know that as I ended yesterday’s posting I was hoping and praying for a really sexy massage but a little worried about a threatened enema. I received neither and on one hand I’m happy and the other hand not so much. It was an all or nothing deal and I had to turn it down because I’m chicken.
It’s always been that way for me. it’s never someone just offering me a nice kiss on the cheek but someone promising that kiss then kicking me in the balls as well. Carrot and stick all at the same time. If you can avoid that situation I would highly recommend it.
Since I’m still under the weather I’ll spend my day today on the computer continuing the sorting and cataloging of my photographs. I’ve almost completed the job which has taken just about forever but ever time I return home with my camera I have another hundred or so photo’s to review and sort. And no I don’t keep everything. If I take a hundred photos from my camera I may keep twenty-five. A quick skim through them usually reveals very quickly which ones just suck and have no real value.
My standard routine is to take at least four shots of every photograph. It still amazes me how much difference takes place in just a second or two from the last one. As a general rule the very first snap usually is the keeper. Not always but more often than not. It just goes to show that my first thoughts and actions in that specific moment were correct, most of the time.
I may spend a little time today playing with my Photoshop program. I normally don’t edit my photographs because I want them exactly as they were when taken. I’ll on occasion edit a few as a novelty and print them up for friends and family but in my opinion untouched photo’s are always the way to go. I’m still something of a novice with Photoshop but it’s fun to play around with which can only increase my proficiency.
I’m hoping by tomorrow I’ll be permitted to leave the house. Just between you and me, regardless of the warden’s wishes, I’ll be getting out of here for a few hours. A little fresh air can only help and even if it doesn’t, so what. I have to admit that I’m a terrible patient and even though my better-half is trying to help I still can occasionally be a pain in the ass. Hard to believe I know.
Well, tomorrow is another day with the promise of sunny weather, a quick and undetected escape from this house, and freedom, freedom, freedom.
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