Archive for the ‘rants’ Tag
This is a perfect day for a truck load of silliness. First let’s look over some truly stupid and published newspaper headlines.
CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN THE GARDEN
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
MAN RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN DIES
Next are a few actual classified ads that made me smile.
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Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer – $300.00
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
Man wanted to work in explosive factory. Must be willing to travel.
Quotes and Malaprops from actual high school and college exams on the subject of Music Appreciation
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- The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called the pre-Madonna.
- Agnes Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
- A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
- When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
- Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
And finally, a serious quote from a serious Playboy playmate, Barbie Benton.
(Not PETA Approved)
“I believe that minks are raised to be turned into fur coats and if we didn’t wear fur coats, those little animals would never have been born. So is it better not to have been born, or to have lived for one or two years to have been turned into a fur coat. I don’t know.”
PROMISE TO BE SILLY AT LEAST ONCE A DAY
I thought since it’s another gray, wet, and crappy day I’d get lazy and throw a collection of useless information your way. There’s no rhyme or reason just a whole lot of nonsensical facts.
Odd Newpaper Headlines
- Miners Refuse to Work After Death
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Ridiculous Newspaper Classified Ads
- For Sale: Two wire-mesh butchering gloves, one 5 finger, one 3 finger, pair $15.00.
- Free Puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel – 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
- Georgia Peaches – California Grown – 89 cents a pound.
- Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer – $300.
- For Sale: an antique desk suitable for a lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Malaprops (From Student Essays)
- A rolling stone gathers no moths.
- The battle was won due to gorilla warfare.
- The store was closed for altercations.
- The Second Amendment gives citizens the right to bare arms.
Attorneys and Friends (Actual Court Testimony)
- How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the accident?
- You say the stairs went down to the basement? Did they also go up?
- Can you give us an example of something you’ve forgotten?
- Now, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
JUST PLAIN SILLINESS
I started out today writing a post on political polling. Upon completion I reread it and found myself bored to actual tears. I may post it in the future but every time I write about politics or politicians I feel kinda dirty. Someday soon when Iām having one of those āI hate politiciansā days Iāll post it. Today I feel like passing along a few more items of totally useless information to help make your lives richer and fuller. Here we go.
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Too much coffee can kill you. A lethal dose for an average adult is around 10 grams. Thatās the equivalent of drinking between fifty and two hundred cups in rapid succession.
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Malaria mosquitos are attracted to ripe Limburger cheese and smelly feet.
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Members of the U.S. Congress are the highest paid legislators in the world.
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Toilet paper was invented by the Chinese. In 1391 they produced 720,000 sheets a year for exclusive use of the emperor. Each sheet measured 2 feet by three feet.
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Disney World in Orlando covers 30,400 acres or 46 square miles. Thatās twice the size of Manhattan.
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A cockroaches brain is spread throughout itās body., If you chop off the head, it can still live up to a week. It finally dies because it canāt eat.
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You can get cooties. Cooties are lice.
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Mosquito repellant does not repel mosquitos. It blocks their sensors so they donāt know your there.
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Poison ivy is a member of the cashew family of plants that supplies us with cashews and pistachio nuts.
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Charlie Chaplin once lost a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. He didnāt even make it to the finals.
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Artists have more sexual partners.
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The Puritanās bought beer to America.
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Antarctica is the only continent without owls.
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A ten gallon hat only holds three-quarters of a gallon.
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The first film version of Frankenstein was a fifteen minute silent produced by Thomas Edison.
Well there you have it. I saved you all from a boring political rant and offered up this collection of incredible information at the same time. We do live in miraculous times, donāt we? Iām out the door and on my way in five minutes so ending this right now is necessary. Consider it ended.
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