Author Archive
As you should be aware I have quite the collection of weird facts I’ve collected over many years and from many sources. As I was cleaning up my old desk top computer yesterday, I found this list of strange and odd facts that hasn’t seen the light of day since 2006. So, let’s take a walk down a very old memory lane.
- A Crocodiles tongue is attached to the roof of its mouth.
- A group of larks is called an exaltation.
- A kangaroo can’t jump unless its tail is touching the ground.
- A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away.
- A man had the hiccups for 69 years.
- A mole can dig over 250 feet of tunnel in a single night.
- A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
- A noisy restaurant is 100,000 times as loud as a watch ticking, a rock Concert is 1,000,000,000 times as loud. and a shotgun blast 1,000,000,000,000 times as loud.
- A person at rest generates as much heat as a 100watt light bulb.
- A group of owls is called a parliament.
- About 300 million cells die in your body every minute.
- A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
- A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove.
- A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
- A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.
- A group of ravens is called a murder.
- A shark can grow a new set of teeth in a week
- A snail can have about 25,000 teeth.
- A group of toads is called a knot.
- About 3,500 gallons if water is needed to produce one pound of beef.
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HAVING A DRINK ON THE BEACH OR ON THE DECK
YOU CHOOSE
I am a lover of all things strange and odd. Over the years I’ve collected oddities and facts as well as weird little stories. Here are a couple you might enjoy.
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#1
Once upon a time in a land far far away called Boston, Massachusetts some weirdness was afoot. There was a gentleman by the name of James Ball who had a weird and morbid fear of being buried alive. In his mausoleum constructed in Boston’s Mount Auburn Cemetery, he arranged for a telephone to be installed in his crypt.
In time, Mr. Ball died. His widow, accompanied by a great crowd of relatives, friends and business associates, followed Mr. Balls body to the grand limestone tomb.
Just after dark that same night his wife was passing through a sitting room and heard the telephone ring. A maid passing outside the room heard Mrs. Ball say, “Hello?” and then she heard a bloodcurdling scream. She rushed into the room to find Mrs. Ball with a look of horror on her face clutching the telephone. The line was dead, and so was Mrs. Ball. She died of a massive coronary, but the identity of the caller remains a mystery to this day. On the day of the funeral, when the crypt was unsealed, the crowd saw that the lid of Mr. Balls casket was open, and the telephone was off the hook.
#2
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Once upon a time there was a dog lover, a husband who took his Labrador retriever on a 4 mile walk a couple of times a week after dinner. One day he came down with a bad case of the flu, so it fell to his wife to walk the dog.
After supper, she clicked on the dog’s leash, and they headed out the door. She wanted to go to large open lot at the end of the street, but the dog tugged at the leash and all but dragged her around the block to a house on the corner. The dog pulled the poor woman up the stairs and began scratching furiously at the door. The wife scolded the dog and was trying to pull away when she heard a sweet female voice inside the house call out, “You’re a little early tonight, darling! Wait just a minute.”
The next moment, the door swung wide open and there stood a pretty and buxom young woman in a sexy negligée holding a large bone in her hand.” This should keep the dog happy while we’re – Uh-oh!”
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Well, there you have it. Avoid crypts, telephones in crypts, and properly train your dog not to eat big bones from strangers.
ZEN IS HELL AT TIMES
Here I sit poolside watching my two grandsons beating my better-half in a mean and nasty game of Triple War. Losing to an eleven and eight-year-old is kind of embarrassing and I gladly told her so. Warm day, great barbecue, new puppy, cool pool, board games, and family. It doesn’t get much better for a hot August day. The sun is broiling my bald head but I’m not complaining. All too soon we’ll be shoveling that white stuff once again and I can continue complaining even more then. But for today I thought I’d offer a couple of tongue twisting limericks to challenge you.
This is my first Tibetan limerick . . .
A Tibetan made a bet on his toboggan
That his toboggan could get down the hill hot-doggin.
The Tibetan got to bettin’,
But while bettin’ kept forgettin’,
It was August, so he landed on his noggin.
💥💥💥💥💥
A reckless rough roofer, Ralph Rufus,
Was a ruthless fool know as a doofus,
When Rufus roofed on a roof,
No roof was found to be Ralph-proof,
Roofing roofers felt Rufus a complete and total goofus.
143 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS
LOL
An airplane flying from Houston to Chicago had a very close call. For a while it seemed they were doomed to crash to fiery destruction, but at the last minute the pilot got it under control and landed safely. Out of the plane came 200 midgets. An onlooker said, “I never saw so many midgets in my life.” Said another, “Those aren’t midgets. Those are Texans with the shit scared out of them.
In Hollywood, it is not enough for you to succeed; your friends must fail.
As per Yogi, “You can observe a great deal just by watching.”
Who doesn’t like stereotypes? A Texan had just had a baby son, and he was passing out enormous cigars. “Likeliest little varmint you ever saw,” he said proudly. “He weighs twenty-seven pounds.” Two weeks later, the friend met him and said, “How’s the kid?” “Fine,” said the Texan. “The little tyke weighs sixteen pounds.” The friend looked puzzled. “Why, when he was born you said he weighed twenty-seven pounds.” “I know.” said the Texan, “but we had him circumcised.”
There once was a young plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said the maid, “Cease your plumbing,
I think someone’s coming.”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me!”
At the zoo, a curious woman said to one of those who tended the animals, “How do you tell a male hippopotamus from a female hippopotamus?” The keeper said, “We don’t really have to, ma’am. The hippopotamuses figure it out for themselves.”
There is a story that Mussolini was once stranded in a small town in Italy when his car broke down, To pass the time, he visited a local movie house. Came the newsreel, and, of course, his own face flashed on the screen.
Everyone in the movie house stood up, but Mussolini, feeling tired and feeling no compulsion to stand up in his own honor, remained seated. Whereupon the man next to him whispered, “I feel exactly as you do, but take my advice and stand up. It’s safer.”
THANKS ISAAC
I’m feeling a bit feisty today, so I’ll post this rather lengthy rant. I also understand that asking many of our so-called concerned citizens to read something longer than two paragraphs is asking a lot. There are somethings I can choose to forget but not forgive. There are other things that I will never forget or forgive. Unfortunately, the attention span of a great many Americans is quite short except when they’re inconvenienced by a TSA screening. The following test will remind our brilliant lawmakers and most casual citizens that there are things that should never be forgotten. Unfortunately, many casual citizens and politicians who see a wrong perpetrated against this country just shrug their shoulders, make a lame speech, wipe a tear from their eye, and then immediately return to the business of politics and feathering their own nest. Let’s have a quick memory test to determine who is actually paying attention these days.
USA History Exam
(For the chronically uninformed)
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Korbitt
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwartzeneger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
3. During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70-year-old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kid
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by! :
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill’s women problems.
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted to a crash by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonny and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
As the writer of the award-winning story Forrest Gump so aptly put it, “Stupid is as stupid does! But an even better quote comes from comedian Ron White:
YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID
Everyone wants a good life. As I sat thinking about it recently, I felt a few commonsense rules were needed. I’ve been around a very long time and have collected ideas from many sources that assisted me in creating this list. I’m no genius but if you follow this list, I guarantee your life will improve dramatically.
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Talk slow, think fast.
Remember that great loves and great successes also hold great risks.
Call your mom.
Respect yourself, respect others and take responsibility for your actions.
When you’ve made a mistake, Correct it!
Eat plenty of whole rice.
Always give people more than they expect.
Be able to sing your favorite song.
Don’t believe anything you hear and half of what you see. When you say, “I love you”, mean it!
Pet your pets.
Spend some time alone.
Accept change but maintain your values.
At times, silence is the best answer.
Read more books!
Learn all the rules, and then break a few.
Trust everyone . . . but always lock your car.
Do not bring up the past.
Good fences sometimes make for good neighbors.
Don’t trust anyone who fails to close their eyes when they kiss you.
Only swear when absolutely necessary.
When you say, “I’m sorry”, say it with eye contact.
Believe in love at first sight.
Honor your body, treat it like a temple.
Fight fair.
ANY DISAGREEMENTS? DIAL 1-800-BITE-ME
A cool summer evening, a light breeze, a quiet deck, working on my painting, accompanied by my cat and a glass of Drambuie. Just heaven on earth.
Daily writing prompt
What are your future travel plans?
It seems that the great majority of people in this country love to visit our national parks. I’ve never been one to spend much time in them, but I do understand the interest. As I did my research, I stumbled upon some other interesting facts not so much about the parks but about the interesting people who visit them. We humans are an interesting lot but at times just totally and completely stupid. That statement is due primarily to the following list. It is actual questions asked of Rangers and Visitors Bureau employees who work in the parks. The questions are so silly and humorous there’s no need to post the answers. Read them and have a laugh or two.
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
How much of the cave is underground?
How do you turn Old Faithful on?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
What is the best time of year to watch deer turn into elk?
Where can we find Amish hookers? We want to buy a quilt.
What is the official language of Alaska?
HAPPY VACATIONING
I’ve had the pleasure and misfortune to have spent nearly twenty years working in and with the criminal justice organizations in Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, and Maine. I always thought the system had its flaws, how could it not? Your days are filled with an endless supply of criminals and an endless supply of criminal attorneys. Yikes!! I always laughed when I heard some of the older police and judges say Criminal Justice was the ultimate oxymoron. I’ve since discovered they weren’t kidding. The information in today’s post was taken from the annals of numerous courts and are true. You may find them hard to believe but they are. There are a million stories in the naked city and most of them are directly related to the Criminal Justice system. When in doubt plead total ignorance.
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Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?
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Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No.
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Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
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Attorney: So, the date of your baby’s conception was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
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THE ULTIMATE REALITY SHOW
“Malaprop“
The mistaken use of a word in place of a similar sounding one, often with unintentionally
amusing effect, as in, for example, “dance a flamingo” (instead of flamenco).
Today’s posting will be a shout out to all of those educators that spend so much of their time attempting to teach our younger generations anything. It’s a difficult job on the good days and it’s even worse on the bad days. I thought I’d list a selection of what are called malaprops taken from actual test papers and essays from some grade schoolers, high schoolers, and selected college examinations. These are things of beauty.
- Women like to do things in circles, where they sew, talk, and do their meddling.
- “Don’t” is a contraption.
- Italics are what Italians write in.
- The government of Athens was Democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
- Antarctica is like the regular Arctic, but ritzier.
- He worked in the government as a civil serpent.
- You purify water by filtering it and then forcing it through an aviator.
- The doctor felt the man’s purse and said there was no hope.
- The government of England is a limited mockery.
- The first book of the Bible is a book of Guinness’s.
“IT IS BEYOND MY APPREHENSION.”
everyuselessthing.com 