Archive for the ‘Just Saying’ Category
No journal entry today because I need a bit of a break. I thought doing something a little different, interesting and off-beat might be just the ticket. I think I’m mentally already on vacation because I’ve started procrastinating many of my normal tasks and putting them off until I return from my Texas trip. I’ll begin preparing for that trip today.
My better-half is also preparing me for the trip by giving me her list of things I’m supposed to bring back for her. Since she was born in Texas and thinks she’s a real Texan, I’m being instructed to bring back a load of stuff. I just smile and nod my head so she’ll walk away happy but come on. Her list keeps getting longer and longer but I’ve managed to pare it down a little. She requires between 5-10 interesting Texas post cards. She’s something of a collector and loves sending random cards to her Mother who lives in Delaware.
She also wants me to somehow carry or ship home a few dozen tamales. She’s obsessed with Mexican food, especially the traditional style tamale. I think it was something special from her early childhood or so she says but I honestly don’t see that request being honored. Next on the list is a pair of cowboy boots or a western hat for the grandson. This one I might make happen if I can get away with spending a reasonable amount of money. The way he’s growing anything I buy will be too small within a month or two so I made no concrete promises on this request either.
Next on her list is her wish for two T-Shirts with some sort of Texas theme. I quote her as best I can, "nothing pornographic, dirty, or stupid". With that list of don’t’s the chances of pleasing her are now slim and none. As with all of her requests, I’ll figure something out once I get there. If I could find a small petrified chunk of horse droppings I’d buy that for her in a second because it would pretty closely reflect my feelings on this entire matter. Maybe I’ll just buy a really dirty T-Shirt for the grandson that he can wear when she comes to visit. Any eighteen month old can get away with wearing something like that and it would absolutely make her crazy as well. That’s called a Win-Win in any language.
Enough of that, now let me throw a short collection of useless things your way. These are things you never really never wanted to know or even cared about.
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The line “Three quarks for Muster Mark!” in James Joyce’s Ulysses provided the name for the subatomic particles now known as “quarks”, named by physicist Murray Gell-Mann.
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“Transurphobia” is the fear of haircuts.
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Dylan Thomas once unkindly pointed out that, except for one misplaced letter, T.S. Eliot’s name spelled backwards is “toilets”.
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The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
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The single dot over the lower-case letter “i” is called a “tittle”.
And finally for all you nerds out there:
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The letters of the word SHAZAM, which was shouted to conjure up comic-book hero Captain Marvel, stood for Solomon’s wisdom, Hercules’s strength, Atlas’s stamina, Zeus’s power, Achilles’s courage, and Mercury’s speed.
How’s that for a really useless tidbit?
A day-off was really becoming necessary after the last few hectic weeks of gardening and lawn clean-up. Today was the day. The better-half was also on a day-off so we slept in a little, loaded up on coffee and breakfast, and then jumped into the car and took off. It was a semi-beautiful day but the cloudiness was going to make taking pictures a challenge.
We drove east towards the shore and the traffic was light. In two more weeks the tourists will arrive in force and make traveling a little more interesting in these beach areas. We drove up the coast for a few miles and stopped briefly in a small cove used primarily by local lobstermen. I snapped of a few photo’s of them at work and a few of the birds covering the nearby rocks. Neither seemed too happy about my picture taking but I persevered.
It was breezy as hell and the temperature had dropped just low enough to require a hoodie if you planned on walking around. We returned to the car, turned on the heater, and warmed up a little. As we proceeded north it was great to see everything struggling to become green again and the sun finally decided to make an appearance. We stopped briefly at the Portland Head Light which is one of the most visited and photographed lighthouses in Maine. It guards the entrance to Portland harbor.
As you can see it’s just a place made for photographers. It’s almost impossible to take a bad picture there. Normally this place is mobbed with tourists but we were lucky to get here before the Memorial Day madness.
Our trip continued north as we entered the city of Portland. If you you’ve never visited Portland your missing something special. It’s a small city with a small town feel. It has a colorful waterfront as you can see and if you like the ocean the aroma of low tide here will enchant you.
My better-half has a overwhelming desire for beer at almost any time so I decided to make a quick stop at Three Dollar Dewey’s, a local ale house and restaurant. It’s located on Commercial Street in Portland, adjacent to the harbor. It’s a charming area with fish markets, micro breweries, and some serious parking issues if you visit in season. We try to stop at Dewey’s whenever we’re in the area for a quick cold one and a large order of fries. They are just what the doctor ordered.
We finished our fries and drinks and then walked around town for a few minutes of people watching. Everyone was out in large numbers enjoying the sunshine and warm weather. Check out this little project someone created along the street. Snap a padlock of some sort on the fence and write your name on it. I though it was pretty cool so take a look.
It was mid-afternoon and time for us to depart. We enjoyed this relaxing break from our normal lives and were ready to head home. Tomorrow is another day.
People are strange. The things they do are strange, puzzling, amazing, and sometimes truly stupid. Today is just a day of musings and questions. There doesn’t seem to be logical answers for some of the things I see and hear every day.
I was shopping recently and discovered something odd and surprising. I found a rack of "duct tape" for sale in many and varied colors and patterns. There was some with tiger stripes and another covered with green shamrocks. Cool right? What’s the effing point?
My first reaction was why fancy duct tape?, and is it really "duct tape" or it is just "duck tape". I was always sure it was "duct tape" until I saw a recent TV commercial selling "Duck Tape". It looked the same as the good old standby stuff but it had a flashy and cool cartoon duck as it’s logo. So what do I ask for at Home Deport? Where do I find the Duck Tape? I’m then forced to deal with that stupid blank stare you get when one of their employees has no clue. Most people love duct tape and use it for damn near everything. But why? That leads me into my next unanswered question.
Have you ever skydived? Everyone knows that it’s one of those things that’s just so damn exciting and dangerous that everyone says they’d like to try it. I thought that at one time years ago and set out to try it myself. I spent a portion part of a day being trained on how to jump out of a plane. Stand in the door, look down, pee your pants , and jump . . . asshole. It wasn’t a college course but it was required by our local politicians and insurance companies before you do something stupid. That way everyone is protected if and when you hit the ground at full speed. I went up, jumped, came back down and rode an adrenaline high for hours. Just guess what the two things my memory has retained about that entire experience. The first thing was something I noticed as I climbed into one of the worst looking aircraft on earth. The entire interior surface of the plane was covered in duct tape (not duck tape). It looked like the pilot preferred using duct tape instead of doing regular maintenance. I thought at the time this was done specifically to help motivate idiots like me to jump out of that freaking death trap. It was apparently done so you didn’t snag anything like your chute as you moved to the open door to jump. Silly me.
The second thing that stuck with me was the young blond Scandinavian women with the tight purple skydiving outfit who was hanging around the airfield that day. After my extensive two hours of training she approached me with a business proposition. She offered to skydive with me wearing a camera helmet and to tape my entire jump from start to finish for only $150.00. She was extremely hot and I wanted to appear courageous so I signed up and gave her the cash. She slithered into the plane with us and sat across from me all smiles and moist hotness. During the flight to 14,0000 feet I fantasized about first doing the jump, surviving, and then possibly jumping her later. I knew I’d need help to drain away all of that excess adrenaline and she could certainly take care of that. That fantasy ended rather quickly when she cut the loudest and most disgusting fart I’ve ever heard, looked at me and smiled. Even the pilot of the little two seater turned around to see what all the noise was about. It took a few hours to get that stench out of my nostrils and it was just the additional motivation I needed to get the hell out that plane. She took a pretty good video of me on the way down and strutted away from the landing never to be seen again. Those are my two main memories of that day, duct tape (not duck tape) and blond bombshell farts. What a life.
My last inquiry into people calls into question their ability to recognize and identify when someone is feeding them a line of BS. As I’ve mentioned in the past, in another lifetime I was a state police officer in Pennsylvania. One of the downsides to being a rookie cop is being stuck with all of the crap traffic details the more senior officers don’t want to do. There’s a state park called Moraine Lake near Butler, Pennsylvania that is a huge tourist draw during the summer months. Unfortunately the only entrance and exit to the public beaches is from a nearby interstate highway. It became so congested at times on Saturdays that the backed up traffic would become a public hazard. This required a few of us rookies to spend our day standing in the hot sun telling citizens to keep moving because the beaches were full and there was no place to park. This required them to drive five additional miles to the next exit just so they could turn around and drive back for another try. There weren’t many happy folks after that and on a normal Saturday the station would receive hundreds of complaint calls from pissed off beach goers.
On one specific Saturday I was sent out to the park in mid afternoon after traffic had already been rerouted for hours. There was a veteran cop there which was unusual and he seemed to be in charge. I found out later he was there on a punishment detail for some infraction he’d committed a few days before. For the first time in history there were almost no complaint calls being received at the station. I found out why just after my arrival at the park. That veteran officer was telling each and every car that came by that "there were sharks found in the lake and the beaches were closed, keep moving please." Not one person questioned him or called the station to verify his story. The funniest thing was the rumor about lake sharks being mentioned in a local newspaper the next day. I was amazed then and still am.
That’s it….I just had to ask these question and I honestly never expected a reasonable answer to any of them.
The weather has finally begun to change for the better here in God’s country. Over the last week the snow has disappeared and I’ve been able to get outside and breath some fresh air without a parka, hat, and gloves. But as well you know everything in nature is a balance. You get some good and right along with that you get some bad. Now begins the actual work of cleaning up after Mother Nature once again.
The snow cover this past winter lasted much longer than normal which has it’s good points. Most of my perennials in the herb garden survived the winter unscathed. I normally replace twenty-five percent of my plants each year but it appears this year to be much better than that. The downside is that any plant tall enough to stick up through the snow was damaged severely by the long term cold during February. I’ve cleaned most of the debris out of the raised beds and discovered other issues that weren’t easily seen before.
Yesterday my better-half was frolicking in the yard with the grandson and made the mistake of sitting on the edge of one of the raised beds. There was a loud crack and the board she was sitting on snapped in half requiring an immediate repair job and a trip to Lowe’s for me.
We also were able to remove a downed tree we lost during the first snow storm last Fall. It was a struggle but we finally cleaned up the area and removed the branches and trunk to a nearby woods. I may cut it up later for use in our occasional bon-fires since it’s been sitting for a while and dry as a bone. It should burn nicely.
We have a set of steps at the rear of the house that were badly damaged when at least five tons of ice slid off the roof and crushed all of the railings and a few of the steps. Fortunately the main structural beams were unharmed. Another trip to Lowe’s for more pressure treated lumber to make those repairs. Along with the mailbox replacement this has become an annual event and one I’m very tired of dealing with. I’m in the process now of redesigning and reinforcing the steps and hopefully that will resolve the issue for new year.
I took a walk through my garden yesterday and discovered that the deer have found us already and appear to be eating my chives as soon as they sprout. It’s been a tough winter on the wildlife here in Maine due to the heavy snow cover. I’ve been told that the further north you go the worse it gets. The moose and deer have had a rough winter and I ‘m sure many of them didn’t survive. The good news is the small herd that hangs around our house looks pretty damn healthy. As I walked through my back yard I found piles of deer turds everywhere. This just tells me that I’m going to be battling the deer for control of my garden all summer. They’ve been spending a lot of time close to the house which in itself is unusual.
A few weeks ago I was in my man-cave doing my exercises on the treadmill when I looked out the window to see four or five deer casually walking by. They stopped near the house and were standing in the yard as calm as you please. That’s very unusual for ten o’clock in the morning on any day. I’m afraid they’ve become comfortable near the house which will eventually make for a real battle this summer. It’s not only the deer but also rabbits and freaking groundhogs as well. I’m going to be busy, busy, busy.
I was able to run for my camera and snap a few quick pics of those deer before they scampered into the woods. Here they are.
Who needs dogs and cats for house pets when you can have a herd of deer?
Well, after five months the snow is finally gone. Unfortunately the post-winter cleanup can now begin. All of the snow and ice storms certainly did their share of damage to the property this year. One tree down, serious plant damage everywhere, and additional damage from the town’s snowplow.
It seems we’re required to replace our mailbox almost every year and it’s starting to really piss me off. A nearby friend made the mistake of complaining to the town about the recklessness of their drivers and seeming lack of concern for all the damage they’ve been causing. It took forever to find the right person to complain to and five minutes for that person to say quite simply, “move it a little further back from the road”. It’s nice to know we have a freaking genius working for the road department.
I don’t understand why me and my hundreds of neighbors didn’t think of that dumb ass solution. I may be forced to build a giant brick column with my mailbox sitting on top. We’ll see how much the town likes replacing a blade or two on their gigantic and expensive snowplows after trying to knock down my brick megalith. I’ll just politely tell them to “plow a little further from my effing mailbox”.
All of my winter projects have been successfully completed and right on schedule for a change. In another two weeks I’ll be able to begin my outside work setting up the garden and getting the mowers and weed-whackers operational. Finally a steady supply of fresh air and sunshine after almost five and a half months locked inside the house.
I’m also looking forward to some beach time in the near future as well. This was the first winter in a long time that the snow cover stayed almost all winter which meant no long wintery walks on the beach.
Since my leg has healed completely and I’m back on my workout routines maybe I can get that last ten pounds of ugly fat to disappear. I’ve lost 35 lbs so far through a difficult winter with a minimum of outside activity. I’m planning a very active schedule this summer with my camera and I traveling around this gorgeous state of ours. One short trip to Texas in May and then I’ll have the rest of the summer to take pictures, work in the garden, and to sit on my deck and relax.
Goodbye and good riddance to Winter.
I consistently ask myself questions about the things I see. It’s not that I’m seeing these things that bothers me, it’s that I don’t entirely understand what I’m seeing. One of the things that confuses me the most are the situations I see developing these days between people and their cell phones.
I’ll try to explain clearly where I’m coming from in order to keep any confusion to a minimum. After being held hostage by Verizon Wireless for the last seven years I made the bold move of dumping their service and stepping back three or four technological paces to something far simpler and inexpensive. I won’t get into the particulars except to say I’ve cut my monthly costs by 70%. I don’t want you to think I hate cell phones because I don’t. What I do hate is the unhealthy hold those devices seem to have on such a large portion of our population.
Next, I need to state emphatically my total and complete support for both heterosexual and homosexual marriages. No, my mind isn’t wandering but hang in there a moment or two until I explain. I object strongly to the new wave of intimate relationships I’m observing between humans and cellphones. It’s becoming a little embarrassing to see these phones being cuddled and stroked by both men and women in public places. It’s a bit disgusting.
People buying their phones cutesy little bejeweled outfits in a variety of colored covers to keep things from getting too boring. Even the kids are getting into the act with little or no parental oversight. Sitting along in their rooms at night talking quietly on the phone, roaming the Internet until all hours of the morning, and posting "selfies" to the world that would in some cases make a porn star blush.
Those phones are coddled and babied and remain all snuggly in a pocket or purse held tightly next to the heart (or other body parts) of their owners. I know many women and even a few men who would like nothing better than to have a large device vibrating in their pocket. People just can’t seem to keep their hands off their phones and don’t even try. What’s next? The formation of political special interest groups to promote our freedom to marry our cellphones? Don’t laugh, as weird as things are these days, it could happen.
Cell phone ownership is becoming almost as intimate as a marriage. First you need to find that “soulmate” or should I say “cell-mate”. It must be attractive and shapely and have all of those attributes you’re looking for. Once you’ve found that perfect match then your required to enter into a contract for a two year period. Very similar to a marriage license if you ask me but with one additional advantage. When your cell-mate gets a little older, all scratched up, and the battery starts to fail you can dump it and sign up for an upgrade. If you dare decide to end the relationship before the contract is up your forced to pay and pay dearly for that right. Sounds just like a divorce I managed to survive twenty years ago.
I guess I just haven’t met my true "cell-mate" yet. I suppose it will happen all of a sudden like a lightning bolt and I’ll be lost forever in that wonderful haze of first love, sexting something juicy for the first time, or sending an HD photo of some of my body parts to people who don’t want to see them.
You just gotta love those cell-phones. Right Lovey.
Look! It’s A-Hole.
Well, I’m finally back. I have to confess I was surprised just how much I missed my daily blogging. My other project progressed more in this short eight weeks than I was able to accomplish in the previous year, making my time away well spent.
My life continues as before but things never seem to stop changing. My better-half continues to drive me crazy, the cat still annoys me at times, and the grandson is just minutes away from talking. I suspect after watching him closely for all these months that once he starts talking he won’t be able to stop and I can’t wait. I consider it quite a privilege and one I intend to make the most of.
I’ve been trying to decide what I should write about on my return. I thought I should probably fall back to my cynical roots and supply you with a selection of quotations unlike any you may have seen before. Normally quotes are meant to be uplifting and to give us faith in the past and hope for the future. These do not. These quotes celebrate the sarcastic, the glib, and the smart asses of world. Enjoy . . .
“You can tell a Harvard man, but you can’t tell him much.” Anonymous
“There is nothing wrong with Hollywood that six first-class funerals wouldn’t solve.” Anonymous
“Religion is excellent stuff for keeping the common people quite.” Napoleon Bonaparte
“He is the kind of politician who would cut down the redwood tree, then mount the stump for a conservation speech.” Adlai Stevenson
“On being asked to describe Hollywood – Can a fish describe the murky water in which it swims?” Albert Einstein
“After coming in contact with a religious man I always feel that I must wash my hands.” Frederick Nietzsche, "The Antichrist" (1888)
“This is a back-stabbing, scum sucking, small minded town.” Roseanne Arnold "Hollywood Reporter" (1990)
About: Elvis Costello born 1955
“Looks like Buddy Holly after drinking a can of STP Oil Treatment.” Dave Marsh, "Rolling Stone Magazine"
About: Marie Osmond born 1959
“She is so pure, Moses couldn’t even part her knees.” Joan Rivers
“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” May West
“Not only is there no God, try getting a plumber on weekends.” Woody Allen
“You don’t have to think too hard when you talk to a teacher.” JD Salinger
I’ve heard these kind of quotes called any number of things including poisonous, mean, or nasty. I’ve come up with my own term: A-holeistic. My cynical self has returned to the blog and I’m feeling just fine.
Sporadic blogging will continue.
I need to alert everyone that as of today posting to this blog will be temporarily inactive. Due to certain personal projects I’ll be unavailable to blog daily for the next two months. I’ll touch base weekly to collect and respond to comments and emails but little else. This will my first time leaving my blog on it’s own and I feel like I’m abandoning my only child to the vicious outside world.
I hope to return sooner than the two months but only time will tell. Thanks to those of you who follow this blog and the others who visit so often. Your visits and comments were always appreciated. I hope to return as soon as possible.
cli·ché
/kliˈʃeɪ, klɪ-/ [klee-shey, kli-] noun
1.a trite, stereotyped expression; a sentence or phrase, usually expressing a popular or common thought or idea, that has lost originality, ingenuity, and impact by long overuse, as sadder but wiser, or strong as an ox.
2.(in art, literature, drama, etc.) a trite or hackneyed plot, character development, use of color, musical expression, etc.
3.anything that has become trite or commonplace through overuse.
4.British Printing.
a. a stereotype or electrotype plate.
b. a reproduction made in a like manner.
adjective
5.trite; hackneyed; stereotyped; clichéd.
The word cliché comes from two origins:
- A sound – The French used the word to describe the sound that a matrix, or a mold with letters on it, made when it was being dropped into molten metal to make a printing plate.
- A printing plate – Oddly enough, the printing plate itself was called a cliché or a stereotype and it was one of the first movable types in the world.
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I like to stay ahead of the game and to be all things to all men but that’s easier said than done at times. I always try to hammer out things, leave no stone unturned, to give you a leg up on events and to dish the dirt religiously.
I love to punch the clock, push the envelope, and push people’s buttons whenever possible. I may pull someone’s leg but I’ll never pull any punches or leave you in the lurch. I’m the master of the left-handed compliment and I’ll do my level best to harp on a point and let the chips fall where they may.
I probably should quit while I’m ahead but I so enjoy pulling the rug out from under people who need it. I’ll let the cat out of the bag in a New York minute because it’s all in a day’s work here at Every Useless Thing.
I’ve seen the handwriting on the wall while pounding this Internet pavement and while I operate tongue-in-cheek I’ll touch all the bases, tilt at the appropriate windmills and draw a bead on whoever tickles my fancy.
I try to fair and balanced but sometimes it’s a tough row to hoe. It goes without saying that the Internet can be all things to all men but many people love playing fast and loose with the truth. It occasionally causes me to throw caution to the wind, find the liars and throw them under the bus.
With this posting I’m trying to determine if I could on a good day use clichés to make small talk and supply you with food for thought. Most days I operate off the top of my head scrounging around for nuggets of information to help me let off a little steam. To make a long story short, I’ll never hold my tongue. I’ll continue to call a spade a spade especially when I’m on the warpath about something. Don’t believe everything I say hook, line and sinker but if the shoe fits, wear it.
IT’S ALL IN A DAY’S WORK!
On any given day I enjoy relaxing. It’s taken me a lot of years to learn how to relax after spending my working life as a six day a week workaholic. Even as a high stress workaholic I was able to relax but it was just as hard to make time for that as the job itself. I knew when the job and my bosses needed to be ignored and occasionally paid a price for doing just that. I was also ridiculed at times by my workaholic co-workers but I knew where my limits were and tried never to exceed them. Disconnecting from the everyday grind for me was the path to good mental health. I’ve always used the light-switch analogy and have advised more people than I can remember to go home at the end of the day, turn off the work light-switch and just relax.
I watched for years as retail management pushed associates into completing long lists of tasks and if they weren’t accomplished correctly the associates were then criticized for their lack of customer service skills. It was a vicious cycle that produced “task oriented” people in large numbers with a terrible customer service (people) attitude. Associates became brainwashed and unable to feel good about themselves unless their long list of tasks had been completed at work and at home.
“Stop, smell the flowers, and relax.”
I’ve been personality tested by my employers on many occasions. I’m was always considered an “A” type personality who was a great multitasker, knew how to accomplish the goals set by the corporation and to “get the job done”. Little did they know that doing their tasks was the easy part of my day but getting their tasks done quickly and making time for myself was even more difficult. It was a full time job trying to survive my full time job. I was always successful in the job but when I had down time I used it. When I was relaxing I put tasking out of my mind completely and that skill helped maintain my somewhat healthy outlook on things.
I’m now retired but I live with someone who is totally task oriented. She works a full time retail job and she has a difficult time relaxing when she gets home. She feels like her day is a total failure without a long and completed “To Do” list. I’ve been trying desperately for years to get her to turn off that “light switch” when she gets home but have only been moderately successful. I’m nothing if not persistent but she can be just as hard headed as I am. It’s a battle I’ll keep fighting because it needs to be fought.
While personality tests and reading about personality types has been regarded by some as self-indulgent navel gazing, there is a real value that comes from identifying our natural tendencies. Every personality has strengths and weaknesses, and understanding what yours are allows you take advantage of those strengths to overcome the weaknesses.
I was surfing around the Net yesterday and discovered the following list of suggestions to assist those task oriented individuals in their attempts to relax. Balance in life is more important than most people think but many people talk about reaching a balance but never actually try to accomplish it.
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Schedule time to focus on the people around you and commit to setting aside your To-Do list during that time.
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Consciously make eye contact when your husband, partner, or children speak to you so that they have your full attention. Be attentive and focused.
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Go anywhere where you can just enjoy being with your family without the distraction of things that need to be done.
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Look for opportunities to get things done in smaller chunks rather than saving them all up to do at once.
I take and make time to do absolutely nothing. Some people call it meditation and others (task oriented people) call it loafing. Regardless of the name it’s total down time where the mind can rest as well as the body. Just a few minutes a day seems to work for me. I admit I have my work cut out for me with my better-half but I refuse to give up the fight.
RELAX DEAR!
everyuselessthing.com 