Archive for the ‘Just Saying’ Category
All of my life I’ve been curious about things. I suppose that was the trait that drew me to a career in investigations. I hate having unanswered questions and when I find one it makes me a little crazy. They stick with me until I can resolve the question with a logical answer. I’ve also found over the years that there are thousands of questions that have no logical answers, Some people might call them stupid but that doesn’t change the fact that they need to be answered.
Over time I’ve reviewed lists from others and made lists of my own with questions that no one can or will answer. Here’s a small collection of a few of them that will get you thinking a bit. If you have answers let me know but I’m willing to bet you won’t be any more successful than I’ve been.
Here goes nothing . . . . .
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What’s another word for synonym?
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Where are Preparations A through G?
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
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Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
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Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers?
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Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130?
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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Why is it that when a person tells you there’s over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there’s wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
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Why is it good to be a Daddy’s girl, but bad to be a Momma’s boy?
- Is it possible for someone to be a closet claustrophobic?
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Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
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Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?
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You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same material?
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Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM’s? And secondly, way is it placed where the driver can reach it?
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If you google “Google” will your computer get stuck in a loop?
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Why do the walk signs only stay green long enough to allow pedestrians to get to the middle of the street?
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Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
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What do you say when someone says you’re in denial, but you’re not?
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Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on the calculator go the other?
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Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
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Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
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What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
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Why do people never say “it’s only a game” when they’re winning?
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Did Adam and Eve have navels?
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Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
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If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
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If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
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If superglue is so good, why doesn’t it stick to the side of the tube?
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If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
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Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
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Why don’t you ever see baby pigeons?
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What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
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What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
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What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
All interesting questions but very few answers that make any sense at all. Life can be so challenging at times.
I’ve always felt I was the kind of person who had a really good sense of humor. I love good jokes, limericks or just about anything that will make me laugh. I also enjoy making people laugh and I’ve always have at my beck-and-call any number of jokes, quips, and sayings that helped me do that.
Most of my really close friends over the years have been people with a well-developed sense of humor who weren’t afraid to laugh at themselves. I’m a big believer that self-deprecating humor is by far the best and I practice it myself on many occasions. I love humor but I hate the kind that’s used to embarrass or degrade anyone.
One of my biggest problems is my inability to remember jokes. I’ve had friends that after a few drinks could tell jokes for two hours without taking a breath. The more they drank the more jokes they remembered and the funnier they became. That’s what I call a damn party. Unfortunately those kinds of people are few and far between these days or so it seems. Maybe it’s just me and I’m running in the wrong circles.
It also seems that a great many people claim to have little or no sense of humor. These are people that take themselves and their jobs way too seriously. They wear their lack of humor like a badge of honor at times and I just can’t wrap my head around that kind of thinking. What I’m trying to say as gently as possible is that if you have no sense of humor you’re probably boring as hell and about as much fun to be with as getting an STD.
I’m always on the lookout for people who love to laugh. Those are the people I want in my life and to spend time with to enjoy some quick-witted repartee. People who take themselves too seriously are no fun and it’s double trouble when they’re relatives. I remember being told a long time ago that “you can pick your nose, you can pick your friend’s nose, but you can’t pick your relatives.” It remains true today.
So this morning as I was surfing the Net I discovered websites that were actually dedicated to what have been termed “unfunny” or “anti-jokes. What kind of person takes time out of their busy day and a great deal of time each week in maintaining and promoting a website that’s totally effing ridiculous. These are supposedly jokes that are so unfunny that they become funny. Statements like that irritate the crap out of me and people making those statements must assume we’re all as dumb as they look.
Here are few samples of these anti-jokes and even after reading through hundreds of them, I just don’t see the point. Life is way too short to spend time with this nonsense. I’ll give you a few examples and then I’m going to walk away and never look back on this posting or their stupid web sites ever again.
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Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.
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Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I have a gun.
Get in the van.
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An Irishman walks out of a bar.
What’s green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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What would George Washington do if he were alive today?
Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.
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A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
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What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
” I have read and agree to the Terms of Service”
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A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Well, do you think they’re stupid and offensive or is it just me. Maybe they do appeal to you and if so, you have my sincerest sympathies. I need laughter in my life from humor that is funny. It can be dark and morbid and still be hilarious. But to quote one of my favorite comedians, Ron White, “You just can’t fix stupid”.
LAUGH A LITTLE TODAY
If your experiences in life are anything like mine have been there’s always someone available to offer advice, both good and bad. Usually without you even asking. Every one thinks they’re some kind of philosopher and never hesitate to show you just how smart they think they are. It can be annoying as hell but every once in a while the proverbial blind man can find that pearl of wisdom. Unfortunately you’ll probably be forced to listen to a few dozen inane and stupid statements to get to the one that would really mean something.
My father and grandfather’s had an endless supply of what they thought were inspirational messages. “Don’t pee or spit into the wind.” and “Don’t tug on Superman’s cape.” immediately come to mind. A special thanks to Jim Croce for supplying my Dad with that one.
I began looking around the Net for more material on this subject but was soon overwhelmed with possibilities. Some of the following messages and quotes, and thoughts came from celebrities, politicians, and as always my favorite, Anonymous. I’ve removed the names of the authors because it the message that counts not who wrote it. You should be able to figure a few of them out if you give it some thought. Here we go.
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“Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.”
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”The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.”
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”It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.”
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”Your garbage disposal eats better than 30% of the people in this world.”
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”Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
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”Never do card tricks for your poker buddies.”
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”To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.”
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“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”
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“The only normal people are the ones that you don’t know very well.”
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“What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.”
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“If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.”
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“A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.”
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“If you want to leave footprints in the sands of time, don’t drag your feet.”
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
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“The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.”
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“I prefer to be a pessimist; it makes it easier to deal with my inevitable failure.”
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“Who is more foolish? The fool or the fool that follows him?”
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“To be ignorant of one’s ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.”
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“A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.”
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“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
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“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.”
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“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right.”
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“Never test the depth of the water with both feet.”
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“Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.”
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“If you lend someone $25 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.”
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“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
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“The difference between erotic and kinky is that one uses a feather, the other uses the whole chicken.”
Pick a few out that you like and memorize them. That way when you’re philosophizing for others you’ll have something to impress them with. You do know we all do it, all of the time, Right?
If you ever move to Maine one of your favorite words will soon become the word SUCK. All forms of the word apply to so many things here you’re forced into learning how to use it properly. Follow along and learn just how versatile the word can be.
This SUCKY Maine winter continues but unfortunately for me I seem to be caught in a bad SUCK cycle right now. Did you ever have times where things start going wrong and just SUCK. They say that bad things come in threes but I’m no longer a believer in that old wives tale. For me 2014 has started on an ominous note where bad things came in groups or CLUSTER SUCKS.
My favorite computer on which I do all of my writing and photography has decided to start SUCKING. It contains my life as it currently exists which goes to show how bad my life SUCKS as well. As sad as that sounds this computer never has issues because I’ve protected it from viruses, mal-ware, and anything else I could think of. It’s been as reliable as any I’ve ever owned. Then I made the mistake of permitting an update to install from good old SUCKY Apple ITunes. Now I SUCK for being that stupid. From that point on my computer’s registry was damaged causing lots of SUCKY error messages that I’ve been unsuccessful in fixing. I’ve read everything and tried everything with no luck. I just wanted to scream but had no one to scream at. That SUCKS!
My next adventure began soon after the SUCKING computer nightmare. I was awakened two nights ago and my bedroom felt like the inside of a freezer. Someone who shall remain nameless and whose responsibility has always been keeping the house supplied with heating oil, dropped the ball. No heating oil during a cold week in Maine in the middle of Winter is the definition of SUCKING. Fortunately we have an oil delivery company that was able to respond within 24 hours and refilled the tank. For a change they didn’t SUCK. You’d think that our problems had been solved but not quite. When things begin to SUCK it then comes contagious.
It seems when a oil tank goes empty the new oil causes a vapor lock in the feeder line and won’t permit any to flow properly until the line has been cleared. That I’ve come to find out just SUCKS. In past years when this problem occurred it required an emergency service call that lasted only fifteen minutes and cost $150.00. That not only SUCKS but it’s also borderline extortion. The better-half and I immediately decided that we’d try to correct the problem ourselves this time around. After calling on informational resources from SEMI-SUCKY friends and a few SUCKY YouTube videos, an hour and three hundred SUCKY curse words later we had our heat back on. Good news, right? Not hardly. That’s an hour of my life I can’t afford to lose and that SUCKS.
Two hours later on this calm Maine winter night with no wind gusts, no ice storms, no sleet or any other related weather issues we lost all of our electric power in the house for some unknown but SUCKY reason. Since we live in an area where cell phones have difficulty receiving a signal we were stuck sitting in the dark and bitching to one another. That made for a really SUCKY few minutes of conversation, for sure. It was a double SUCKING kick in the ass because we have a whole-house generator that should have kicked on immediately. Guess what? It didn’t freaking work and that SUCKED.
We’re now back and operational but who needs the constant stress of SUCKY crap like this? Now every time the wind blows I’ll be holding my breath waiting for the power to fail with no operating generator. That will definitely SUCK once again when that repair bill arrives. If this is any indication of how the remainder of 2014 is going to be, we are screwed.
2014 SUCKS THE BIG ONE SO FAR
Well we’re in day three of the Coffee Trivia marathon. I’ve explained in detail all of my past addictions, MY history with coffee over the years and finally today I’ll address my current coffee situation.
“I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.” ~Ronald Reagan
I’m in the throes of a weight-loss program which while needed is nonetheless annoying and difficult. The diet I’ve been restricted to is not easy and leaves me very few food items that are fulfilling and satisfying. I kid people when I tell them my diet consists of radishes, pudding, cashews, cereal, water, and above all coffee. Coffee is and remains my one luxury item and regardless of what any Doctor tells me it will be the last thing I ever give up.
That being said, I’d like introduce you to my two new best friends. My weight-loss program would never be as successful as it’s been without these devices.
They allow me the luxury of a large number of options in preparing my coffee and it’s helped me work through this ungodly diet. As you can also see the variety of coffee’s available is incredible and I’m really enjoying tasting as many different types and styles as I can find.
So now I’ll continue my seemingly endless list of coffee trivia. I hope you’ve learned a little about coffee and it’s tremendous effect on the world’s economy as well as the huge number of employees it supports worldwide. It appears I’m not the only coffee addict on this planet. I’m just one of many millions who loves the bean. Enjoy.
“Still One of the Best”
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65 countries in the world grow coffee. They are all along the equator, within the tropics.
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After they are roasted, and when the coffee beans begin to cool, they release about 700 chemical substances that make up the vaporizing aromas.
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Beethoven who was a coffee lover, was so particular about his coffee that he always counted 60 beans each cup when he prepared his brew.
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Before roasting, some green coffee beans are stored for years, and experts believe that certain beans improve with age, when stored properly.
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Before the first French cafe in the late 1700’s, coffee was sold by street vendors in Europe, in the Arab fashion. The Arabs were the forerunners of the sidewalk espresso carts of today.
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Brazil accounts for almost 1/3 of the world’s coffee production, producing over 3-1/3 billion pounds of coffee each year.
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In 1675 Charles II, King of England issued a proclamation banning Coffee Houses. He said that they were places where people met to plot against him.
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30% of coffee drinkers in US added a sweetener of some kind to their coffee, compared with 57% in UK.
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October 1st is official “Coffee Day” in Japan.
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Scientists have discovered more than 800 different aromatic compounds in coffee.
“The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a ‘decaf grandee, half soy, half low-fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,’ ooooh, you’re a huge asshole.” ~ George Carlin
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Black coffee with no sugar contains no calories.
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Coffee represents 75% of all the caffeine consumed in the United States.
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Coffee sacks are usually made of hemp and weigh approximately 132 pounds when they are full of green coffee beans. It takes over 600,000 beans to fill a coffee sack.
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Coffee trees are evergreen and grow to heights above 15 feet but are normally pruned to around 8 feet in order to facilitate harvesting.
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Coffee trees are self-pollinating.
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Coffee trees produce highly aromatic, short-lived flowers producing a scent between jasmine and orange. These blossoms produce cranberry-sized coffee cherries. It takes four to five years to yield a commercial harvest.
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75% of the world’s coffee comes from the Coffea Arabica plant.
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Drinking a single cup of coffee that has been brewing for 20 minutes provides the body with 300 phytochemicals which act as antioxidants and stay in the body for up to a month.
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In days gone by, Turkish bridegroom had to promise that they would always provide their new wives with coffee.
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Worldwide, more 1400 millions cups of coffee are drunk every day.
This will be the final installment of the Coffee Trivia postings. I have to admit that I’ve collected enough information for a few more but I don’t want to overdue it. Possibly in the near future I’ll put together additional ones but I’ll let enough time pass so as not to bore everyone.
MORE TO COME EVENTUALLY
“That’s something that annoys the hell out of me- I mean if somebody says the coffee’s all ready and it isn’t” ― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
Yesterday in Coffee Trivia I I had quite a lot to say about my previous addictions as well as my fondness for coffee. Today you’ll receive more useless coffee information that I’m required to supply because of my addiction. All addictions have a downside and besides tasting wonderful so does coffee. It gives me that extra energy burst and ability to talk for long periods of time without taking a breath. Lucky you, your here for the lecture.
My love affair with coffee didn’t start at an early age like you might think. I wasn’t permitted to drink all that much coffee as a kid because my father felt it might effect my ability to play sports. Once I left for college his control over my beverage intake was finally at an end. I found coffee to be that best friend I’d been missing. The love affair began in earnest at that time and I’ve never looked back, not once. At the time I lived with five other guys in an apartment and there wasn’t a minute of the day that the coffee pot wasn’t full, steaming hot, and available for drinking. We never kept track but I can almost bet we drank more coffee than alcohol during those years and that’s saying something.
I eventually left school and enlisted in the army since the draft board was hot on my heels. For the next three years both in the United States and overseas I drank enough coffee to float a battleship. There’s nothing like Army coffee, it can almost eat the enamel right off your teeth. I won’t even begin to try and explain how the Korean’s made their coffee, it was indescribable. I also learned how to make instant coffee from C-ration packets and it sucked so bad I was forced to cut my coffee consumption in the field by 10%. For me that was a major concession.
Skipping ahead a few years and all of a sudden I’m a police officer working in a profession that is known for coffee and donuts. I was never too concerned with the donuts but I thrived on the coffee for seven years. I carried a thermos of hot coffee in the car with me and I’d stop when necessary to refill during my shift. Night shifts were another story altogether. My partner and I were never without a steaming hot coffee in the car or during our lunch stops at restaurants.
So you can see how my addiction to coffee has been the one consistent thing in my life for decades. All of my other addictions were just distractions but my love of coffee remains constant and still does. So let’s get this show on the road. I thought I knew a lot about coffee but I really had no clue. Some of these facts are humorous and some aren’t but they’re all interesting. I’ve found so much information on coffee I may be forced to increase the number of Coffee Trivia postings to four or five.
- Flavored coffees are created after the roasting process by applying flavored oils specially created to use on coffee beans.
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Frederick the great had his coffee made with champagne and a bit of mustard.
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Hard Bean means the coffee was grown at an altitude above 5000 feet.
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Hawaii is the only state of the United States in which coffee is commercially grown. Hawaii features an annual Kona Festival, coffee picking contest. Each year the winner becomes a state celebrity. In Hawaii coffee is harvested between November and April.
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The Nicaraguan Margogpipe is the largest of all coffee beans.
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It takes 40 coffee beans to make an espresso.
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One coffee tree yields less than half a kilo of coffee per year.
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A coffee tree lives for between 60 and 70 years.
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By 1850, the manual coffee grinder found its way to most upper middle class kitchens of the U.S.
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Coffee is the second most traded commodity in the world (oil is the first.)
“It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.” ― Dave Barry
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Brazil produces around 40% of the world’s coffee supply.
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A Belgian named George Washington invented instant coffee in 1906.
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Coffee has been used as a beverage for over 700 years.
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Coffee as a medicine reached its highest and lowest point in the 1600’s in England. Wild medical contraptions to administer a mixture of coffee and an assortment of heated butter, honey, and oil, became treatments for the sick. Soon tea replaced coffee as the national beverage.
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Coffee beans are similar to grapes that produce wine in that they are affected by the temperature, soil conditions, altitude, rainfall, drainage and degree of ripeness when picked.
“There are three intolerable things in life – cold coffee, lukewarm champagne, and overexcited women…” ― Orson Welles
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Brewed espresso has 2.5% fat, while filtered coffee contains 0.6% fat.
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Johan Sebastian Bach wrote an opera about a woman who was addicted to coffee.
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There is a way to brew coffee with marijuana in it and it is described as producing a “dreamy” kind of coffee buzz.
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More than 20 million people worldwide, work in the coffee industry.
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There are two species of coffee plant: Arabica and Robusta.
MORE TO COME
“Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and as sweet as love.” Turkish Proverb
Let’s talk about coffee. It’s the only major addiction I have left and I cherish it. When I stopped smoking twenty-eight years ago it was coffee that helped me through all those terrible days without nicotine. That and Tootsie Pops of course. I don’t know for sure how many Tootsie Pops are in a pound but I gained thirty-five pounds eating them over the course of five months. Coffee helped to keep me going until I was free of the damn nicotine and then the Tootsie Pops. Unfortunately by the time that was all over I was also addicted to the coffee as well. I replaced one killer addiction with a much milder version and was happy as hell about it.
My second major addiction was alcohol. I never drank enough to join that infamous club of alcoholics but I drank my share. Now at this stage of my life I’ve given up up drinking almost completely. Coffee again has been there to help replace the stimulation I received from alcohol with a much milder version.
My third big addiction was eating. Not the food itself but the eating of the food. I’ve been a nervous eater for most of my life and once my metabolism slowed it became a problem. With each passing year it became more of an issue but I waged a good battle to maintain my weight. My good buddy “Coffee” again came to my rescue and for that I’m grateful.
I decided to take a closer look at coffee and to learn as much as I could in the context of this blog.. Today will be Coffee Trivia Day. I’m celebrating my last great addiction that has made it possible for me to defeat three others. Here is a list of twenty trivia tidbits, the first of three Coffee Trivia planned postings.
“A 41-inch bust and a lot of perseverance will get you more than a cup of coffee – a lot more.” ~Jayne Mansfield
- Until the 18th century coffee was almost always boiled.
- Until the late 1800’s, people roasted their coffee at home. Popcorn poppers and stove-top frying pans were favored.
- When a coffee seed is planted, it takes five years to yield consumable fruit.
- William Penn purchased a pound of coffee in New York in 1683 for $4.68.
- Hawaii is the only state that commercially grows coffee.
- In the ancient Arab culture there was only one way a woman could legally divorce: If her husband didn’t provide enough coffee.
- 52% of Americans drink coffee.
- A acre of coffee trees can produce up to 10,000 pounds of coffee cherries. That amounts to approximately 2000 pounds of beans after hulling or milling.
- A scientific report form the University of California found that the steam rising from a cup of coffee contains the same amounts of antioxidants as three oranges. The antioxidants are heterocyclic compounds which prevents cancer and heart disease.
- Adding sugar to coffee is believed to have started in 1715, in the court of King Louis XIV, the French monarch.
- Advertisements for coffee in London in 1657 claimed that the beverage was a cure for scurvy, gout and other ills.
“Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.” ~Author Unknown
- Espresso Coffee has just one third of the caffeine content of ordinary coffee.
- Coffee beans are really berries. Each berry contains two beans (pips).
- An expert in preparing Turkish coffee is known as a “kahveci”.
- Irish coffee was actually invented to warm up cold American plane passengers leaving from Ireland.
- And lastly, Teddy Roosevelt is and was the greatest American coffee drinker, consuming a gallon a day. But you probably shouldn’t attempt to do that.
- An Arabica coffee tree can produce up to 12 pounds of coffee a year, depending on soil and climate.
- Australians consume 60% more coffee than tea, a six-fold increase since 1940.
- Caffeine is on the International Olympic Committee list of prohibited substances. Athletes who test positive for more than 12 micrograms of caffeine per milliliter of urine may be banned from the Olympic Games. This level may be reached after drinking about 5 cups of coffee.
- Citrus has been added to coffee for several hundred years.
“Coffee, the finest organic suspension ever devised.” ~Star Trek: Voyager
MORE TO COME
I’m a former Vet who is now in his sixties and I fondly remember most of my service time both in the United States and overseas. I received the following email from my nephew in Texas, also a former Vet, and it made me laugh out loud. The fact that some of it makes good sense is beside the point. I did a little editing to clean it up some and here it is. I’m considering sending a copy to Mr. Obama. He’s always looking for a good program or two to shove through Congress. I use the terminology “shove through” in the most respectful way, of course.
Send to All Vets over 60 Years Old
I‘m over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You currently can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they should be sending us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry”, we’re impatient and maybe letting us kill a few assholes that desperately deserve it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old hates getting up before 10 a.m while us old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, “I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up and killing some of those fanatical S-O-B’s.”
If captured, we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house and away from all the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course as well. I’ve been in combat and have never seen a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor have I ever done any pushups since completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy too. I’ve never seen anyone yet who could outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversations with pretty girls and he has yet to figure out that a baseball cap has a brim used to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them into harm’s way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowardly terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons coming towards them. A gang of old mean men who know their best years are already behind them. Look out.
P.S. How about recruiting Women over 50 especially those in menopause. You think men have bad attitudes, OMFG. If nothing else, put them on border patrol, they’ll have it secured the first night.
Yikes!
There was a time time in my life when I was the ultimate night person. I slept all day and worked and played all night. After work I’d visit a variety of clubs and bars returning home in the wee hours of the morning. It was a great time in my life because everyone knows the best shit happens after dark in the middle of the night.
I worked those hours for more than five years. My job required visits to massage parlors (not officially as a patron), strip joints (not officially as a paying customer), and even the occasional brothel (again, not as a paying customer). I became educated very quickly to the unbelievable quantity of nightlife activities, how to enjoy them, and even more important, how to survive them.
The more things change the more they remain the same. All these years later I’m discovering a whole new word of nightlife here in Maine that I’ve been totally unaware of. We live in what could be called a rural area. Our home is adjacent to a small river and a large forest of pines. We live far enough out that without assistance from technology (range extender) we can’t receive cell phone signals and are not registering on most GPS devices. It’s like living in Never-Never Land. That being said, we love it. We thought that “wildlife” in this area was mostly confined to the Portland metro area and was low key and had a minimum of crime to deal with. How little we really knew.
Last night we had an unusual snow fall. It snowed for no more than twenty minutes and then stopped completely. There was just enough snow to cover everything in a pristine white sheet. We went to bed after the snow fall stopped and remarked to each other about how white and smooth the back yard seemed with the new snow cover. There wasn’t a mark of any kind on that snow.
We awoke this morning and walked to the window and were shocked at what we saw. It appears that our backyard is the night club for most of the “wildlife” in this area. These pictures will give you some idea of the night time traffic taking place in our back yard.
We live our lives giving little or no thought to the “life” swirling around us every day and night. I saw tracks of coyotes, deer, chipmunks, squirrels, one lonely turkey, a big fat skunk, and a trail left by that sneaky cat belonging to our neighbors. I’m not surprised too often but this was amazing. I guess that one day warming trend we were blessed with brought everyone out to celebrate.
I think I may have to pay a little more attention to what’s going on around me. With a good lens and a small night light I might just be able to get some really interesting photographs.
I’m sitting here this morning trying to decide whether leaving this warm bed is the smartest thing to do. The weather remains problematic as always and I’m not in the mood to deal with it today. It’s been in the deep freeze here for two weeks and it isn’t expected to warm up anytime soon. The only thing I know for sure is that I can’t spend the next two months in this bed as much as I’d like to.
I’ve been trying to be as careful as possible with all of the snow and ice we’ve been having. Now that my broken leg is almost healed I’m deathly afraid of slipping or falling and ending up back in the hospital. I’m walking very softly these days.
The better-half stumbled out of bed early today for another shopping safari with her daughter. It was unplanned but she responded immediately to the telephone call, rolled out of bed and hit the ground running. Nothing is more important than spending a little quality time with her grandson and shopping at the same time. If she’s lucky she may be completely awake by the time they arrive to pick her up but she’s like a zombie right now.
I began a small construction project this week which has been on hold because of this cold weather. I plan on removing a large window in our living room and I need at least three hours of warmer weather to do it. It shouldn’t take too long to remove the window, replace the missing studs and insulation and then close up the hole. I can finish the rest from the inside of the house in just a few hours of drywalling and painting. I must be out of my mind doing this in February. Why I didn’t I do it in September is beyond me. I’ll just sit around for another week or two waiting for a few hours of temperatures above the freezing mark. Hurry up and wait.
I have a quiet day planned for today but it never seems to work out that way. I need to spend at least forty five minutes on the dreaded treadmill before I do anything else. It’s been a huge help in rehabilitating my leg. It still amazes me how much a limb can deteriorate in such a short period of time. Another week should have my injured leg back to it’s normal size. Rebuilding lost muscle tissue is difficult and time consuming but must be done as quickly as possible.
Since the better-half has four days off I thought I’d surprise her with a night on the town. I have a few ideas of places to visit with the Great Lost Bear heading the list. It’s the best place in the Portland area where she can feed her ever increasing addiction to smoking hot chicken wings. They specialize in XXX wings that are hot enough to set your hair on fire. The second possibility is The Strike Zone located in Old Orchard Beach and their specialty is deep fried everything. It’s a typically small sports bar where deep fried foods are the rule of the day. My weight loss program will be at serious risk if we go there but OMG the food is delicious.
It’s time to get motivated and moving. I love Winter.
everyuselessthing.com 