I’m a bit of a history nut and because it’s the Christmas season I began wondering, how the Christmas we celebrate came to be. Of course, having a trace of Celtic blood in me leads me directly back to the Druids and some of their odd and unusual celebratory customs. As far as I can tell that’s where the tradition of mistletoe began as it was a part of many of their holiday ceremonies. As I read through a number of books there was absolutely no history of kissing under the mistletoe in the days of the Druids. The tradition of hanging a sprig in the house is supposedly linked to them as well. That came much later with the earliest recorded mention in some sort of music from 1784.
In illustrations of Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol, there appeared pictures of people kissing under the mistletoe. It’s quite likely that those illustrations popularized the custom. Leave it up to us Americans to take an old Bronze Age custom and turn it into just another reason to be kissing on someone.ofofofI was also curious of where the custom of bringing a tree into the house originated. As best I can determine it started with the Germans who got it from the Romans, who got it from the Egyptians who got it from the Babylonians. Who knows what’s true and what isn’t. It seems that those pesky Babylonians passed down a lot of crazy traditions to anyone who’d listen. Apparently, there was some sort of Babylonian fable concerning an evergreen tree that grew out of a dead tree trunk. Sounds stupid to me but any reason is a good reason when you want to throw a party or orgy.
The first written record of a decorated Christmas tree comes from Latvia, in the 1500’s. Local merchants decorated a tree and danced around it in the marketplace. When they became too tired to dance, they set it on fire. I’m sure glad that custom didn’t make it to the present day. Around that same time the Germans in their infinite wisdom passed a law to limit the size of a Christmas tree to just over four foot high. You gotta love them Germans.
Jump ahead a hundred years when it became common in Germany to decorate Christmas trees with apples. During the 1700’s in parts of Austria and Germany, evergreen tips hung from the ceiling and were decorated with apples, gilded nuts and red paper strips. The first mentions of using lighted candles came from France in the 18th century. Those quirky French must have a fondness for the occasional house fire. As Europeans emigrated to America, they brought their customs with them. The Christmas tree was introduced in the United States and grew from tabletop size to floor-to-ceiling. If you’re going to live in America, everyone knows things must be bigger and better.
In the 1880’s trees began to be sold commercially in the United States and were normally harvested from the forests. The first glass ornaments were introduced again from Germany and were mostly balls. Toys and figurines also became more common during those years. Sears, Roebuck & Company began offering artificial Christmas trees for sale – 33 limbs for $.50 and 55 limbs for $1.00. There was nothing that Sears Roebuck won’t rush to sell to make a few bucks.
The 1900’s brought us the first Christman tree farms because the surrounding forests were being overharvested. W.V. McGalliard planted 25,000 Norway spruce on his farm in New Jersey to get the ball rolling. President Theodore Roosevelt actually considered banning the practice of having Christmas trees out of his concern about the destruction of the forests. His two sons disagreed and enlisted the help of conservationist Gifford Pinchot to convince the President that the tradition was not harmful to the forests. In 1966 the National Christmas Tree Association began its time-honored tradition of having the Grand Champion grower present a Christmas Tree to the First Lady for display in the Blue Room of the White House. Currently there are approximately 25-30 million real Christmas trees sold each year in the United States. Almost all of these come from farms.
Just a tip from a former college student who worked part-time on a Christmas tree farm in Edinboro, Pennsylvania in the 1960’s. It was the worst job I ever had. I smelled like pine trees for months and ruined most of my clothes because of the sap. That job convinced me to say the hell with tradition, just get me one of those beautiful artificial trees. I never looked back.
When I woke up this morning, I immediately decided to ignore Christmas for a few more days. The decision was caused by a combination of things but primarily due to the last 25 Christmas Rom-Com’s I had to watch at the insistence of my better half. One more passionate but interrupted kiss and I will run screaming from the room. Let’s just amuse ourselves for a little while longer before the Christmas elf makes the next 2 weeks a green and red nightmare.
The insults “moron, “idiot”, “imbecile,” and “cretin” were all once official medical diagnoses.
The penis of a Barnicle may reach up to 20 times its body size.
The highest possible legal score on a first turn in Scrabble is given by the word “muzjiks,” scoring 128 points. The world record for the highest score on a single turn is “quixotry” for 365 points.
The FBI had a 1427-page dossier on Albert Einstein.
“Queueing” is the only word in English with five consecutive vowels.
A cow burps up to 280 liters of methane per day.
Two thirds of the world’s people never seen snow.
Woodrow Wilson is the only president to have had a PhD.
Aldous Huxley died on the same day John F. Kennedy was assassinated.
From a height of 3 kilometers, it takes 30 minutes for a snowflake to reach the ground.
In the United States, 12% of women with MBAs are divorced or separated, compared with 5% of men with MBAs.
In any given day, more people in India travel by train then by plane in the entire year.
One American in 6500 is injured by a toilet seat during their lifetime.
Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport is larger than Manhattan.
Ladders are dropped on Los Angeles freeways more than any other item.
Every year, an average of 12 Japanese tourists in Paris have to be repatriated due to severe culture shock.
This is a favorite post that I pull out once a year because it takes me back to a time when Christmas was still something special for a young kid. This is one of those incidents that stays with you for your entire life and the older you get the funnier it seems. At the time I wasn’t laughing all that much, but the prank was done with the best of intentions by my favorite aunt. Enjoy!
As a young child my parents made every attempt to make Christmas as memorable as possible for my sister and for me. I was almost 6 years old when this incident took place back when I still firmly believed the tales of Santa and his elves and all that good stuff. But in the back of my young mind, I secretly was beginning to have doubts. A lot of what I was being told by the family wasn’t what I was hearing on the playground. My friends had almost convinced me there was no Santa and that my parents were actually the real gift givers. My parents apparently began to suspect that I was wavering, and their propaganda was falling on deaf ears. In a conspiracy involving my mother’s sister, Annamae, they decided drastic action was needed. I’d been acting out and being a little disrespectful, so it was time for Santa to straighten me out.
It was about a week before Christmas, and we were visiting my grandparents. I was being a huge pain in the butt like a lot of six-year-olds can be. It was just after dark, and I was walking through the house to the kitchen. As I passed by a window in the hallway I glanced over and almost crapped my pants. There was Santa standing there staring right back at me and smiling. I was terrified and quickly ran upstairs and hid under the bed and refused to come out until the coast was clear. My parents let me know in no uncertain terms that Santa was out looking for those children who were being good and only visiting those that weren’t.
For the next day or so I was a perfect little angel but after dark I was afraid to look out the windows or to enter a dark room. Santa the terrorist had accomplished his mission. I saw him on two or three other occasions during the next few years, once at our home, and again in the cellar of my grandparents’ house. Unfortunately, I was already a nonbeliever by that time but went along with the charade to keep peace in the family and not to scare my little sister. By then I knew my parents were the ones I needed to suck up to and I did it in grand fashion.
Many years later while I was digging through a trunk in my aunt’s bedroom I discovered where Santa had been hiding for all these years. His retirement consisted of being hidden under a pile of sheets and pillowcases in an old trunk. My aunt laughed like crazy when I confronted her, and we both enjoyed the moment very much while I modeled the hat and beard one last time. It was a real Hallmark moment for both of us.
What I never told her, or my parents was that there was some lingering collateral damage from their actions. My first case of Christmas PTSD. To this day during the Christmas season, I’m careful in dark rooms and try never to look out the windows after sunset. In the malls or stores where Santas is holding court, I usually just walk on by without making eye contact. The guy still scares the bejesus out of me. LOL
I’m already getting a little bored with Christmas so here’s my change of pace. Mish Mosh is always interesting and it will help to get me out of this holly, jolly, mindset I’ve fallen into. Weird and strange facts which someone (maybe even you) will find interesting.
Women tend to shave approximately 412 square inches of their bodies, while men shave only 48.
Tap water in New York City is considered non-kosher, as it has been found to contain microorganisms that qualify as shellfish.
December is the most common month for children to be conceived.
Fingerprints are unique to each individual, of course, but the same goes for tongue prints and lip prints.
A pound of peanut butter is made up of 720 peanuts.
During his nine-year reign as pope (beginning in 955), John XII was charged with multiple sexual acts and toasting the devil with wine. He was allegedly killed by a jealous husband.
Confederate volunteers in the Civil War were paid $11 per month in 1861. Their pay was increased to $18 per month by 1864, but by then the currency was almost worthless.
As General George Patton crossed a bridge over the Rhine River into Germany during World War II, he stopped in the middle and urinated into the river.
The working title of the Beatles hit “With a Little Help from My Friends” was “Bad Finger Boogie”
The human heart produces enough pressure to squirt blood more than 30 feet.
I already feel better since ridding my brain of all this holiday insanity, if only for just a few minutes. I’m afraid that I’ll be back at posting about the holidays and Santa and reindeer and mistletoe and snow and Christmas cards and OMG please stop me now.
I thought I would continue my Christmas craziness today with a description of my better-half’s last two weeks of Christmas preparation. I’m not a huge Christmas person but my better half is the poster girl for Christmas insanity. It all started approximately two and a half weeks ago when she began unloading the attic with a never-ending pile of boxes containing thirty years of Christmas paraphernalia. It’s not that she wanted to use all of that stuff to decorate the house but the more she looks through those boxes the more decorations magically begin to appear everywhere. I may lose my every so merry mind. There are wreaths on the front door, garage doors, across the deck which is also strung with yards and yards of tinsel and lights. I think I now have one of the largest collections of extension cords in this part of Maine. I’m so proud!
I need a short break from all this holiday cheer. Try to answer these five Christmas movie trivia questions. Are you a serious elf or just a poser? I’ll list the answers at the end.
In “A Christmas Story”, who gifts Ralphie a pink bunny onesie for Christmas?
In “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, what is the name of the Grinch’s dog?
In “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”, how many lights are on the Griswold house?
In “The Nightmare Before Christmas”, what does Jack Skellington call Santa?
What is the highest-grossing Christmas movie of all time?
This is what my elf wants our house to eventually look like.
Let me say again that of this morning fully fifty percent of every surface in the house has something Christmassy on it. All the windows are decorated, small statuettes of every Christmas figure you could possibly think of are sitting on every piece of furniture within my field of vision. Help! I’m being held prisoner in Santas southern vacation home, and I can’t escape. There’s only one elf living here, and she is out-of-control. I’m reasonably sure if I stood still for more than five minutes, I’d have yards of tinsel hanging from my body with an appropriate number of silly little ornaments and bells attached. If I stood still for a full ten minutes, I guarantee she’d find a way to have flashing lights wrapped around me and twinkling “Oh So Merrily”. My only refuge from the Christmas madness is my man-cave. She has yet to visit there and I’m guarding the door to keep her out. Three more weeks of this and I’ll probably make the nightly news. I’ll be the guy dressed like Santa Clause threating to jump off the nearest bridge in Portland, Maine, “Film at Eleven!” Oh yeah . . . here are your trivia answers. How did you do?
Answers: Aunt Clara, Max, 25,000, Sandy Claws, Home Alone
I was never in high school during the 1950’s. I just wanted to be clear on that point because I was in then what is now called Middle School. To say there are differences between now and the fifties is the hugest understatement you will ever hear. As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, political correctness is responsible for accelerating that change. This article was initially posted in 2010 but I’ve updated it somewhat. Here are a few hypothetical scenarios showing the differences between then and now. When you first read them, you might think the scenarios are exaggerated to make a point. If you really look at it honestly you can also see how exaggerated, they aren’t.
* * *
Scenario 1
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2022 – School goes into immediate lock down, FBI and media are alerted, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called for all of the traumatized students and teachers. Media interviews replayed for days.
Scenario 2
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 – A crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2022 – Teachers alert the police, and the SWAT team arrives only moments before the Media — Johnny and Mark are arrested. They’re both charged with assault and expelled even though Johnny started it. The Media interviews experts on how to control the terrible violence in schools and they are replayed on numerous stations across the country.
Scenario 3
Jeffrey will not be quiet and well-behaved in class; he disrupts other students.
1957 – Jeffrey is sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt the class again.
2022 – Jeffrey is immediately tested for ADD and given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie like creature. The family then applies to SSI, and Jeffrey is labeled “disabled”. The monthly government checks begin to arrive. The Media does a three-night special on the networks concerning the national pandemic of ADD and praises the benefits of Ritalin.
Scenario 4
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2022 – Neighbor’s immediately call the police. Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse; Billy is removed to a foster care facility for evaluation. He soon joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom then has an affair with the psychologist and makes a guest appearance on the Jerry Springer Show. Film at eleven!
Scenario 5
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with a friend who also has a headache, and he feels much better.
2022 – Teachers immediately call police, and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations (zero tolerance). His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. Media proclaims continued drug problems in the school systems and Oprah Winfrey does a two-hour special.
Scenario 6
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and then goes to college.
2022 – Teachers are concerned for Pedro and his cause is taken up by the state authorities. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files a class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from the core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English.
Scenario 7
Johnny takes leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July and puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a nest of red ants.
1957 – Ants die.
2022 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called in. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism for mishandling explosives. The FBI investigates his parents – and all his siblings are removed from their home and all computers confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terrorism watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Protesters and morons picket the family home because they are against domestic terrorism. A dangerous traffic jam is created by all of the Media vans attempting to get a little face time on camera.
Scenario 8
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 –In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2022 – Other teachers and Johnny’s parents accuse Mary of being a sexual predator and she loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison and when released becomes a well-educated street walker. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and drugs and eventually finds God, shaves his head, and is now working full-time at the airport playing a tambourine.
* * *
Do you honestly think I exaggerated a bit? Some of this is certainly tongue-in-cheek but a lot of it isn’t. I’m glad of two things; one is that I’m not a kid attending school these days, and secondly, that my children would have been taught by me the basics on how to best survive liberal academics and their constant propagandizing.
These last few weeks I’ve been inundated with football facts, game reviews and a general feeling of unease. That means that I’ve got no dog in the Super Bowl hunt this year. Without a team to support I find almost everything else a little boring. I’m not by any stretch of the imagination an avid sports fan and now I remember why. I’ve always been bored watching games but listening to the hundreds of so-called experts’ blather on and on makes me nauseous. I’ve dug down deep into my trivia files and have found a few interesting quotes from some of our gallant football gladiators. Here they are . . .
“If you can’t make the putts and can’t get the man in from second on the bottom of the ninth, you’re not going to win enough football games in this league, and that’s the problem we had today.” Sam Rutigliano – Cleveland Browns coach
“He fakes a bluff.” Ron Fairly – New York Giants commentator
“I don’t care what the tape says. I didn’t say it.” Ray Malavasi – St. Louis Rams coach
“I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.” Terry Bradshaw, player/announcer
“I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.” Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints general manager
“I want to rush for 1000 or 1500 yards, whichever comes first.” George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back
“He (his coach) treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver
I thought today I would revisit a subject most of you vaguely remember and that is virginity. Some of you will barely remember being a virgin and others of you have yet to lose yours. My virginity has been gone so long I almost don’t remember losing it. These little poems will take us all back to that special day and allow us to reminisce a little. Kindly step into the limerick time machine and remember.
To quote an expert, Gary Rimmer, “Number freaking is the art of putting numbers where none existed before. It is an off-the-wall peek at how numbers rule our lives. Number freaking reveals the low drama, unexpected realities, unforeseen truths and even comic connections that emerge when numbers are tested to destruction . . . ” So let’s get started with a few examples.
If you would spend 80 minutes a night staying with your child, watching them fall asleep, for 7 1/2 years, your total number of hours would total approximately 3652.50.
It would take Bill Gates earning $55.05 a second – approximately 26 seconds to earn an average Americans weekly wage.
If your girlfriend weighed 152 pounds, in New York prices she would be worth $896,200 in gold.
On Tuesday, August 31, 2004, at 1 a.m. EDT, the United States was exactly 2,000,000 hours old.
Globally, life expectancy at birth, for men is 65 years. If we assume they start thinking about sex at puberty, that means they’ll think about sex approximately every 6 seconds for 52 years. If this is true, a man in his lifetime will think about sex 2.73 million times.
A pious Muslim is supposed to sport a beard at least the width of the fist. Assuming a man’s fist is at least 3 1/2 inches wide, it would take 233 days to grow a Sharia-compliant beard.
If a man spends an average of 5 minutes a day shaving, it computes to 1735 hours or 72.3 days in his lifetime.
According to Oxfam, 1000 people die each hour from hunger-most of them before their fifth birthday. 1200 children under the age of five die each year from preventable disease. In addition, a child dies every 15 seconds from lack of water and sanitation. The total number of deaths worldwide therefore every hour, from preventable disease, hunger and poor sanitation is 2,440. If 2,440 people were to die every hour, in a year there would be 21,389,000 dead from preventable disease, hunger and poor sanitation.
The average smoker in America smokes 13 cigarettes a day. One of the maxims of the antismoking lobby is that every cigarette smoked knocks 11 minutes. off their life. So, the average American smoker will lose 36 days, 6 hours, 30 minutes, and 45 seconds for every year of smoking.
How’s that for some off-the-wall statistics. As with most statistics, the numbers are approximations, but it doesn’t change the fact that the basic underlying rule is true. How sad is that? Maybe next time I’ll rant on the unscrupulous way in which our politicians use statistics to convince us of whatever they want.
How are you feeling today? It’s early in the morning on the day after Thanksgiving and I may not have to eat for another few days. Some people say that gluttony is a sin and believe me I was doing some serious sinning yesterday. It was a fabulous meal and for the first time in my life I celebrated Thanksgiving with just one person, my better half. Two hungry foodies sharing a thirteen-pound turkey and 4 or 5 side dishes. It’s morning and I feel like Jabba the Hut. With that descriptive thought in your head how about I load you up with a gaggle of food trivia items and tips to make you feel a little like I do.
Tip #1: Here’s a tip for you to always remember when preparing Thanksgiving dinner. Never, I repeat never pick up a hot dish fresh out the oven without some hand protection. As with anything protection (and I do mean everything) is mandatory. I slightly burned my fingers and dropped a dish full of yummy sweet potatoes into the sink along with the dirty dishes. Never fear I ate them anyway.
Tip #2: Never ever attempt to share a kitchen with a loved one in the throes of “chefdom”. Make no direct eye contact, keep low, and keep moving, and offer no advice about anything. It’s hard for them to hit a moving target.
The most popular Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor is Cherry Garcia. Unfortunately, I was stuck with half a quart of Cookies & Cream and killed it.
Tip #3: If by chance you been ordered by a doctor to use only a prescribed salt substitute on your food. Send them an emergency text with the message “KMA”. Hopefully they’ll get the message and understand it. Pass me the real salt.
Tip #4: When attempting to make a delicious gravy never overuse the corn starch. Within 15 minutes of serving the meal my delicious gravy began to clot. It was not a pretty sight but again I ate it anyway.
A medium-sized potato provides 45% of the recommended daily value of vitamin C for an adult. I should be good for at least five more days.
The first cooking school was started by Julia Carson in New York City in 1876. There have been many hundreds of cooking schools since then and unfortunately, I never attended any of them. I give a whole new meaning to the terms, “ad-libbing” and “just a pinch or two” when referring to my cooking skills.
Tip #5: Always have a fully stocked first-aid kit within reach while cooking. A standard first-aid kit seriously lacks any medicines to properly treat serious burns. Also, if you are a person with large hands pick up a box or two of the extra-large absorbent bandages to sop up any emergency blood loss.
I certainly hope your Thanksgiving was as good as mine was barring any unforeseen catastrophes or injuries. I’ll be sure next year to be fully stocked with emergency supplies and a half gallon of really good ice cream.
everyuselessthing.com 