Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category
I don’t know about you, but the last week of news seems to have taken over any and all discussions about everything. Today is as good a day as any for a break from the landslide of BS from the liberal left. I’ll supply all of you with some bawdy humor to take the edge off of all the whining and crying I’ve been hearing. Turmoil is exactly what this government needs but we mustn’t let them destroy our sense of humor along with it. If these jokes make anyone smile then that’s a “mission success” for me.
It was his wedding night, and the minister finished undressing in the bathroom and walked into the bedroom. He was surprised to see that his bride had already slipped between the sheets. “My dear,” he said, “I thought I would find you on your knees.” She said, “Well, honey, I can do it that way too, but it gives me the hiccoughs.”
👴🏻👴🏻👴🏻
Here’s one for my fellow retirees.
***
So, this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny flat on the lower east side when the husband said, “Doris, we’re in bad shape. Inflation has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn’t due until next week and we’ve got no money for food.” “Could I do anything to help?” she asked. “Yes” he said. “I hate to see you do this but it’s the only way. You’re going to have to go out and hustle your ass on the street.” “Me?” she said. “At the age of sixty-five?” “It’s the only way,” he said. Resigned to the situation, she went out into the hot night. She came staggering early the next morning. “How did you do?” asked the husband. “Here,” she said, “I’ve got four dollars and ten cents.” “Four dollars and ten cents,” he said. “Who gave you the ten cents?” “Everybody,” she exclaimed.
👮🏻♀️👮🏻♀️👮🏻♀️
And finally, one for our law enforcement community.
***
A bobby from Nottingham Junction
Whose organ had long ceased to function.
Deceived his good wife
for the rest of her life
With the aid of his constable’s truncheon.
👮🏻👮🏻👮🏻
It seems that the whole world is fascinated by the American west and cowboy lifestyles in general. But I’ve noticed over the years, being a limerick collector, there seem to be a huge gap of limericks relating to that time period. I think today is as good as any day to begin remedying that problem. I’d like to give a shout out to the memory of the late Ray Allen Billington, who spent many years writing about the American West. He edited and authored twenty-five books prior to his passing in 1981 and many contained limericks. So, put on your cowboy hat, slip on those fancy leather boots and spurs, sit back and enjoy a few wild west limericks to help kick start your libido.
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Old trappers were oft heard to say
A beaver was not a bad lay.
But buggery ain’t easy
For the timid or queasy,
For the tail always gets in the way.
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A cowboy who from eastern Montana
Found sex in a devious manner.
He bored monstrous holes
in telegraph poles,
And thrust in his giant banana.
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A whore from the plains of Nebraska
Would do anything you would ask her.
You could lay her all day,
At nominal pay,
But, oh, how you paid nine days after.
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The caldrons of Yellowstone Park
Are no place to have sex in the dark.
A young ranger once tried –
Now his balls look deep-fried
And his prick looks like a stick with no bark.
🐴🤠🏹
YEE HAW, BOYS AND GIRLS
Well, I’m sitting here in Maine expecting the fourth snowstorm in the last few weeks and freezing my butt off. I really can’t go outside because I’m not a snow bunny, so I sit here at the computer trying to decide what to post. Everyone knows that I love limericks, so I thought I’d take it one step further than usual and attempt to locate a few limericks written prior to 1900. I found a few but needless to say the language is a little coarser than usual. I’m posting them as originally written but I recommend you keep them out of the hands of children. These four limericks were written in the 1880’s.
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Have you heard about Magna Lupescu,
Who came to Romania’s rescue.
It’s a wonderful thing
To be under a king
Is democracy better, I asked you?
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There died an old man of Moldavia,
Well, known for his bawdy behavior.
When the priests thought him shriven,
And fitted for heaven,
He cried, “Go and bugger the Saviour!”
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There was a young farmer of Nant
Whose conduct was gay and gallant,
For he fucked all his dozens
Of nieces and cousins,
In addition, of course, to his aunt.
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A cheerful old party of Lucknow
Remarked, ” I should just like a fuck now!”
So, he had one and spent
And said,” I’m content,
By no means am I so cunt-struck now.”
☘️☘️☘️
I THINK I PREFER OUR MORE RECENT ONES
It’s just another weird and wonderful week here in Maine. So far, we’ve had a snowstorm, then an earthquake, then a windstorm, then some rain, and a dose of black ice for good measure. It’s no wonder I hate to leave the house. Today’s post is yet another visit through the “limerick time tunnel“. These limericks were probably compiled sometime in the mid 1970’s and then published in the early 1980’s. I love looking back to search for a few interesting and funny gems that need to be redistributed to the newer generations. Enjoy!
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There was a young girl from Berlin
Who was screwed by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And banged her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?”
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There was a young man from Dumfries
Who said to his girl, “If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!”
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There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn’t, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a girl in the mood,
The question’s not would he, but could he?
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A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
🍀🍀🍀
LUVING THE 70’S
Now that the new year has begun and the obligatory resolutions have been posted, I thought it would be nice to return to one of the mainstays of this blog, LIMERICKS! I have a large and varied collection but today I’ll be reaching way back to 1979 for some inspiration. I hope you enjoy them.
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A skinny old maid from Verdun
Wed a short-peckered son-of-a-gun.
She said, “I don’t care
If there isn’t much there.
God knows it is better than none.”
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There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch –
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
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I sat next to the Duchess at tea.
It was just as I feared it would be:
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me.
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Nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And her asshole in Buckingham Palace.
😜
GOTTA LUV THEM 70’S
I’ve spent most of my day dealing with a belligerent computer program that refuses to do its job. I shouldn’t be too upset since it’s a program I purchased about 10 years ago. I suspect that it has finally gotten to the point where my new computer is more than it can handle. It was a program used to write what I spoke. Now I’ll be forced to step back a few years and begin typing everything myself. I suppose I’ve gotten a little lazy over the years relying on that software. That being said I’m posting a few limericks today that were originally written sometime prior to 1960. Enjoy them unedited.
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There once was a fellow named Abbott
Who made love to girls as a habit.
But he ran for the door
When one girl asked for more,
And exclaimed “I’m a man, not a rabbit.”
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There was a young lady named Frances
Who suffered embarrassing trances.
She stripped to the skin
Before Father Flynn
And made him indecent advances.
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A naked young tart named Roselle
Walked the streets while ringing a bell.
When asked why she rang it
She answered, “Gol dang it!
Can’t you see I something to sell?”
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To Sadie the touch of a male meant
An emotional cardiac ailment.
And acute shortness of breath
Caused her untimely death
😛😛😛😛😛
OLDIES BUT GOODIES
Here are a few old and bawdy limericks from years past. The “secret words” for today are VIRGINITY & MOTHERHOOD.
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A lady of virginal humors
Would only be screwed through her bloomers.
But one fatal day
The bloomers gave way,
Which fixed her for future consumers.
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A girl who lived in Kentucky
Said, “Yes, I’ve been awfully lucky.
No man ever yet
On my back made me wet,
But sometimes I feel awfully fucky.”
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There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born.
And he wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
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There was a young girl from Penzance
Who decided to take just one chance.
So, she let herself go
In the lap of her beau,
And now all her sisters are aunts.
😏😏😏
WHO DOESN’T LOVE GOOD POETRY?
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The limerick’s an art form complex,
Whose contents run chiefly to sex.
It’s famous for virgins
And masculine urgings,
And vulgar, erotic effects.
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Undressing a virgin named Sue,
Her seducer remarked, “If it’s true
That an apple a day
Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two”!
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There was a young student named Jones
whose urgings reduced maidens to moans.
By his wonderful knowledge
(Acquired in college),
Of nineteen erogenous zones.
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The orgy began on the lawn,
Several hours ahead of the dawn.
We found ourselves viewing
Sixty-six vulgar couples screwing,
But by sunup they had all come and gone!
😏😁😎
Here are a few limericks concerning food. They aren’t that bawdy, but they should still be considered “food for the soul”. So, enjoy them all especially the one with those juicy cantaloupes.
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By Ed Cunningham
As the natives got ready to serve
A midget explorer named Merv,
“This meal will be brief,”
Said the cannibal chief,
“For this is at best an hors d’oeuvre.”
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By Charlotte McBee
A greengrocer’s wife, named Yvette,
Took her cantaloupes out (for a bet).
A couple of felons
Made off with her melons,
And they’ve not apprehended them yet!
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By Val Pohler
A young lady too fond of meringue
Let concerns for her figure go hang.
She consumed them in tons,
Along with cream buns,
Until she went off with a BANG!
💥💥💥💥
By Frank Richards
There was an old man of Peru
Who watched his wife making a stew.
He said, “It’s too thin.”
So, she pushed him right in,
Saying, “Nobody’s thicker than you!”
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TA DA!
I thought I’d start the month of October with a bang. Over the years I’ve posted thousands of limericks, and I hope I live long enough to post 10,000 more. I tried to pick a topic today to make these limericks a little more interesting. So, the topic for our October limericks is MOTHERHOOD. I’m sure all of you mothers out there, both male and female, will appreciate them.
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There was a young girl of Claridge’s
Who said, “What a strange thing marriage is,
When you stop to think
That I’ve poured down the sink
Five abortions and 50 miscarriages!”
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There was a young lady named Flo
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So, they tried it all night
Till he got it just right . . .
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
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There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she’d a man on the brain.
Much you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he’d lain.
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There was a young lady of Louth
Who suddenly grew very stout.
Her mother said, “Nelly,
There’s more in your belly
Than ever went in through your mouth.”
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DEDICATED TO ALL OF YOU MOTHERS OUT THERE
everyuselessthing.com 