Archive for the ‘Looking Back’ Category
I decided that it was time to post a few limericks collected from a small and damaged book I discovered some months ago. It was published in 1980 and contains over 150 of the lewdest limericks I’ve ever seen. The great majority are so nasty I wouldn’t dare post them here, but I’ve found four of the more acceptable ones to give you an idea what I’m dealing with. Tell the kids to leave the room. Rated at least an “R”.
A worried young man from Stamboul
Discovered red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
“Get out of my clinic!
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool.
🍆🍩🍆
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And so loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls – and he had’em.
🍩🍆🍩
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?”
🍆🍩🍆
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but the wrong pew.
🍩🍆🍩
AND THESE WERE THE TAME ONES
As I was looking through some old boxes and albums recently, I time traveled back to the days of my youth. Trust me it was a long, long, long time ago – circa 1946. So, in celebration of my recent birthday I put together this quick summary of the year I was born.
- It was peace time in American after World War II but that didn’t slow the politicians down too much. President Truman seized the mines after employees rejected government-negotiated contracts and costly strikes hit General Motors, Ford, General Electric, along with meatpackers, musicians, longshoremen, railroad workers, coffin makers, and in Washington, DC, taxi drivers.
- The Army and Navy were granted permission to manufacture atomic weapons.
- On May 2, in San Francisco, Marines landed on Alcatraz to battle armed convicts in an attempted jailbreak.
- Pacific tidal wave kills 205 in Hawaii.
- On July 1 the United States detonated a bomb, the Bikini Helena, beneath the Pacific at the bikini atoll.
- In France, the Cannes Film Festival was held for the first time, after its debut was rudely delayed by Hitler’s invasion of Poland.
- Admiral Byrd led an expedition to the south pole.
- Penicillin was synthesized for the first time by a United States chemist Vincent Du Vignea.
- The three top billboard stars were Perry Como, Dinah Shore, and Frankie Carle.
- In baseball, it was the American League over the National League, 12 to 0, in the annual All-Star game.
- In pro football, the Chicago Bears bagged the National Football League title for a record sixth time.
- The movie It’s a Wonderful Life debuted.
- The top box office celebrity was Bing Crosby.
- Consumers in New York reported eating horse meat as America’s meat and poultry supplies hit an all-time low. While poultry prices reached a dollar a pound, ceiling prices on choice cuts of horse were $.17-$.21 per pound.
- On a shopping spree Cashmere and wool mufflers cost $6.50. 16mm movie projectors were $56.75. A party dress cost $14.95. A set of hickory skis came in at $9.95. A fancy Stetson felt hat could set you back a whopping $6.00.
And last and most importantly: I was born on August 8 (Baby Boomers Rule!).
IT’S FUN TO LOOK BACK, BUT NEVER TO GO BACK
I am a longtime lover of feet. When most guys were scoping out boobs and butts, I was looking for women wearing sandles. I’m not sure why or when I developed this love of feet, but it started at a very young age. Over the years it has been a wonderful addition to my dating repertoire. With that in mind here are some odd facts about feet you may not have been aware of. Read on and be converted you butt loving and boob loving men (or women). It’s all good.
- The world’s tallest man, Robert Pershing Wadlow (8’11”) wore size 37 shoes.
- In many Asian countries is considered the height of rudeness to let the soles of your feet face another person.
- Your foot and ankle together contain 26 bones.
- The Achilles tendon is the longest and strongest tendon in your foot. The tendon is named after the Greek warrior who was killed when he was hit there with an arrow.
- The skin on the soles of your feet is .2 inches (5 mm) thick.
- Athletes foot can cause intense itching and pain. It is a fungus that grows between your toes because it likes the dark, moist conditions found there.
- It takes 20 muscles to hold each of your feet together and allow them to move as in dancing, running, and skipping.
- Getting “cold feet” means you want to back down or walk away from something you had planned to do.
- Your toes can get into lots of trouble. You could have hammer toes, claw toes, and overlapping toes, not to mention ingrown toenails. In some cases, people have been known to have their second toe a half inch or longer than the big toe (you know who you are).
- If you have fallen arches, the arch of your foot has flattened. The entire sole of your foot is on the ground, so you don’t have a natural shock absorber system as you walk.
There you have a few oddities about feet. Most of the things I mentioned are a rarity and doesn’t do anything to disturb my foot fetish. I remain as always, a dedicated (disturbingly so) lover of women’s feet. Add to that bright red, blood red nail polish and I’m yours for the taking. LOL
EVERYONE NEEDS AT LEAST ONE INTERESTING FETISH
My favorite word today is “Raunchy”. It’s not a word that’s heard too often these days, but I’ll do my best to do it justice. Another of my favorite things are riddles. As a kid we enjoyed them, and they were always fun. I’ll merge them together and give you ten “Raunchy Riddles” from the 1980’s. Here we go.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porche? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How fast can a girl go when she’s having sex? 68 . . . If she went 69, she’d blow a rod.
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.
Why did the girl take a bath in peroxide? Because she heard that on the whole gentlemen prefer blonds
What can a girl put behind her ears to make her look sexy? Her knees.
What’s the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a hooker with diarrhea? An epileptic corn husker shucks between fits.
Why don’t men mind women claiming to be the foundation of our country? Because they know who laid the foundation.
What’s worse than a centipede with athletes’ foot? Captain Hook with jock itch.
What’s the French method of self-defense? Tung Fu
Why was the Duchess on her knees? She was down for the Count.
DON’T YOU JUST LOVE THE 80’S?
I’ll be the history fanatic today offering you a few facts that most people haven’t heard or read about. So, no run-of-the-mill stuff today. I hope you enjoy them.
1900
In Brussels, a young anarchist made an assassination attempt on the Prince of Wales. (Future King Edward VII). His Royal Highness reputedly explained, “Fuck it, I’ve taken a bullet.”, although he was in fact untouched.
1902
So numerous were the mistresses of Edward VII that at his coronation a special pew, known as the “loose box” was reserved for them.
1904
The French physician and psychiatrist, Madeleine Pelletier, A cross-dressing celibate feminist, became a Freemason, joining the Novell Jerusalem lodge.
1905
The 25-stone Chelsea goalkeeper, William “Fatty” Folkes, lifted a Port Vale forward off the ground and hurled him into his own goal. The penalty was awarded against Chelsea.
1905
Maurice Garin won the Tour de France, but four months later it was shown that he had traveled some of the route by train rather than by bicycle.
1909
On 12 December, King Leopold II of the Belgians married Caroline Lacroix, a prostitute who had borne him two sons. He died five days later.
1912
As soon as the Titanic went down, the White Star Line, the ship’s owners, stopped the wages of the crew.
1914
On November 4, a British attempt to capture the port of Tanga in German East Africa was repelled when the invaders were attacked by swarms of bees and were obliged to retreat into the sea.
1915
In New York, the French artist Marcel Duchamp submitted a work entitled Fountain to the Salon des Independents, which rejected it. The work comprised a porcelain urinal, signed by “R. Mutt”
Since reading blogs slows considerably during these hot and sweaty days of Summer, I thought a short list of strange things were just what is needed today. If all of you aren’t reading much in this heat, here are a few more things you probably won’t read.
- For passengers who may not quite get it, American Airlines once printed instructions on their snack packages. “Open packet, eat nuts.”
- A female ferret can die from going into heat and not mating.
- In 1900, the average white woman’s life expectancy was only 48.7 years. For women of color, the life expectancy was 33.5 years.
- Your stomach creates a new mucus layer every two weeks.
- Thomas Edison preferred to do his reading in Braille, and he proposed to his wife in Morse code.
- American go through 12 billion bananas in a typical year.
- Roses are the symbol of the Virgin Mary. Catholic “rosaries” were originally made of 165 dried and rolled rose petals.
- Disney’s Space Mountain roller coaster was the first thrill attraction to be operated by a computer.
- The first time an instant replay was seen on TV was during an Army-Navy football game on December 7, 1963. CBS director Tony Verna masterminded the idea.
- Founding Father George Washington was a distant relation of King Edward I, Queen Elizabeth II, Sir Winston Churchill, and Gen. Robert E Lee.
Living in Maine is always interesting. Maine is a large state with a very small population and most of the state is covered in forests with a population that consists of many rural folks. After moving here, I noticed that a great many people raise chickens. Every other yard has a chicken coop and a few birds roaming around the property. I always thought it was primarily the eggs everyone wanted but there are a couple of other reasons to have chickens I never considered. They are an easy way to remove bugs and ticks from your property and it’s also a very helpful way to help feed the many hawks, coyotes, and foxes that seem to be everywhere. They have to eat too you know. It’s not at all unusual for a homeowner to initially purchase six chickens and then be forced to replace a few every so often due to missing birds.
You would think these rural folks would be familiar with the many superstitions that surround chicken ownership. My better-half has tried numerous times to convince me to become a chicken owner but I’ve refused. I love eating them but after learning about all of these superstitions . . . no thank you. Here are a few things any potential chicken owner needs to know . . .
- If a hen roosts at noonday that’s a sign that someone in the family will soon die.
- Anyone who has the blood of the chickens spilled on their clothes will die an unnatural death.
- The clucking of a hen near a patient’s head is a sign of death.
- Watch out for mean gossip about you if you see two hens fighting.
- If you see hens laying eggs, you will have good luck.
- If you tie an old tough hen to a fig tree, the hen’s meat will become tender.
- In Korea it’s unlucky if you hear a rooster crow at sunset and a hen cluck at night.
- In Africa it’s unlucky for a rooster to crow before midnight.
- In Germany it is believed that when a rooster crows when a guest is leaving – even if it’s at daybreak – that guest will soon die.
- If a rooster crows in your cellar door – even at daybreak – it’s a sign of a speedy marriage.
- If a rooster crows all day, expect rain.
- If a rooster comes into your home, it’s a sign strangers will soon visit.
I hope that knowing all of these potential issues with chickens will help those of you who are on the fence about chicken ownership. I guess you could call this post a PSA, that’s Public Service Announcement for you chicken owners out there.
CLUCK. . .CLUCK. . .CLUCK
I love reading about the history of this country. Not the big splashy headline making history but the odd or lesser-known history. Here are a few factoids you’ve probably never heard of . . .
- The “American” log cabin got its start in Sweden, where such a building had been popularly used for centuries and was taken to America by the Swedish colonizers of new Sweden, which is now Delaware.
- The name “United States of America” was coined by a man who lived the last years of his life in disrepute and his bodily remains eventually were lost – Thomas Payne. A chance meeting in London with Benjamin Franklin encouraged his move to America. Later, in 1776 he wrote his popular revolutionary tract Common Sense.
- In the United States, about 48 billion metal cans, 26 billion bottles, 65 billion metal bottle caps, and 7 million automobiles are junked each year.
- The United States has about 3,600,000 square miles of land, and on it more than 3,600,000 miles of highways of been constructed. That’s a mile of road to each square mile of land which if combined would pave an area as large as the state of West Virginia.
- A replica of the head and the torch of the Statue of Liberty sat on the grounds of the Philadelphia Exposition celebrating the US Centennial in 1876, and later in Madison Square on lower Fifth Avenue in New York. A decade passed before enough funds were raised for the erection of the completed statue on Bedloe’s Island in New York Harbor.
- The Pony Express, which has lived in American legend for more than a century, lived in fact for less than two years. Indian raids curtailed service on the 1,966-mile route between St. Joseph, Missouri, and Sacramento, California, And the transcontinental telegraph finally eliminated it in late 1861.
HAPPY WEEKEND
I’ve posted previously about what Number Freaking is all about. If you’re really interested just do a search to read those posts. Today’s number freaking facts and stats concern sex. I knew that would get your attention very quickly. Read on and be educated . . .
- The Penguin Atlas of Human Sexual Behavior claims sexual intercourse takes place, worldwide, 120 million times every day. Assuming an average of one male per coupling and one orgasm per male It is estimated that 30 million billion (30 quadrillion) sperms are in the hunt every day.
- Assuming a healthy male can make as many as 1500 sperm a second, in 1 min. he can produce 90,000 sperm.
- There are 2.2 billion adult women on earth. It would take one man 17 days to make one’s sperm per woman.
- The average number of kids born per women worldwide is 2.8. So, assume an average woman will lose 28 menstruating months to pregnancy during her lifetime.
- The average woman will menstruate 19.66 quarts of blood in her lifetime. That’s about the same amount as two cases of wine.
- The average American man first gets married at the age of 28.7 years and dies at the age of 76. A duration of 47.8 years. If he could manage having sex three times a day every day until he dies, he would’ve had intercourse 52,376 times.
- According to the Penguin Atlas of Human Sexual Behavior the country boasting the longest lasting sexual intercourse is Brazil at 30 min. The USA, Canada, and Brits follow with 28, 23, and 21 min. respectively. The quickest sex in the world takes place in Thailand in 10 min. and Russia in 12 min.
- The data shows that almost 88% of men’s penises measure between 5 and 7 inches when erect. When relaxed 90% of men are 3 to 5 inches.
- Kinsey also reports that the average vagina is 3 inches long with a diameter of .8 inches when aroused, and 3.75 to 4.1 inches long with a diameter of 2.3 to 2.5 inches when stimulated (so it’s wide enough for birth).
- Women in Kinsey studies said that on average they took just under 4 min. to achieve orgasm, flying solo. Practicing with a partner, however, it took between 10 and 20 min.
And here is one of my favorite factoids concerning men. There is a popular assumption that man think constantly about sex. Globally, life expectancy at birth, for a man, is 65 years. If we assume men start thinking about sex with the advent of puberty, which we’ll assume to be at age 13, that means men will think about sex every 6 seconds for 52 years or 273.5 million times.
NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL AN OBSESSION
It’s not often I get surprised especially by anonymous gifts from readers. My surprise occurred a few days ago when I received a fifty-page paperback booklet printed in 1999. It contains a collection of what are titled “Looney Limericks”. I haven’t the faintest idea who sent it but please consider this a big thank you, whoever you are. Here are a few samples of some clean and funny limericks apparently written for children.
There was a young man of Bengal
Who went to a masquerade ball.
He dressed, just for fun,
As a hamburger bun,
And a dog ate him up in the hall.
😊😊😊
A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd.
She was frightened and screamed very loud.
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed.
😊😊😊
There was an old man of Blackheath,
Who sat on his set of false teeth.
Said he, with a start!
“O Lord, bless my heart!
I’ve bitten myself underneath!”
😊😊😊
There once was a hungry old leopard
Who brought home a skinny young shepherd.
Said the leopard, “I feel
That you’ll make a good meal
Once you’re properly salted and peppered.
😊😊😊
HANG IN THERE, IT’S ALMOST FRIDAY
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