I’m pretty sure the title of this post will catch the attention of most readers. Sex seems to be the one unifying subject that everyone wants to hear about and discuss endlessly. I can only speak for myself, but I just love dirty jokes, the dirtier the better. I normally have less fondness for the milder sexual humor, but I plan on sharing some of that with you today. It’s not often that go “mild” so all of you overly sensitive types should enjoy these one-liners. I may never ever go this “mild” again so enjoy them if you can. I see a plethora of really dirty jokes in our immediate future so be patient.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
The couple next door has recently made a sex tape. Obviously, they don’t know that yet.
My ex-girlfriend would always ask me to text her when I got in. That’s how small my penis is.
Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
I’m hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to have orgasms. If you can’t come, let me know.
I always call out my wife’s name during sex . . . just to make sure she’s not around.
Men have only two emotions – hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
What’s the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot? The amount of time you’ll spend looking for it.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My wife told me “Sex is better on vacation”. That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
A man got onto a train and sat next to a woman reading a magazine on “Sexual Statistics. “Any good?” he asked. “Fascinating” she replied. “American Indians have the thickest penises and Polish men have the longest.” “Bye the way, I’m Jane.” “Hi” he said “I’m Tonto Kaminski.”
In my younger days I was a huge St. Patrick’s Day celebrator. The fun of green beer, green hair, and ultra-green hangovers slowed down considerably as I reached my 50’s. It was some of the most fun I ever had, and I sometimes still miss that kind of craziness in my life. I failed to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day this year due to distractions, but I hope to make up for that mistake today with this posting. I’m holding in my hot little hands a supply of Irish humor that I will be thrilled to share with everyone. It’s naughty but nice.
“Mr. Mullarkey,” said the chemist, “did that mudpack I asked you to try improve your wife’s appearance?” “It did surely, but it keeps falling off.”
The Irish missionary was preaching to the African tribe. “And I say to you that you must love your fellow men!” “Moolagumbi!” shrieked the natives. “White man and black man must learn to cooperate.” “Moolagumbi” chanted the crowd. The missionary was very pleased, and he told the chief how pleased he was with the reception. “I am glad, O Man of Ireland,” said the chief, “but be careful as we pass the cattle pen that you don’t step in the moolagumbi.”
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An advertisement that appeared in a Wicklow newspaper:
“Young farmer would like to hear from young woman with tractor
with a view to matrimony. Please send picture of the tractor.”
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A favorite Irish limerick:
A handsome young boyo named Pat,
With girls would enjoy this and that.
He meant to cuddle and kiss,
When he spoke about “this,”
Just guess what he meant by his “that.”
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“That will be five pounds or a month in jail,” the judge said sharply.
“Very well, sir,” said Flaherty, “I’ll take the five pounds.”
This quiz may interest some of you trivia experts. This is truly a “Miscellaneous” selection from many and varied categories of trivia. As always, the answers will be posted below.
How large was the fund bequeathed in 1896 by Alfred Nobel to establish the annual Nobel Prizes?
What philosophy was expounded by the American League for Physical Culture, established in 1929?
What was the first word that the blind Helen Keller learned in sign language from her teacher, Annie Sullivan?
How much weight is saved by an airline if it doesn’t paint a Jumbo Jet?
What was used to erase lead pencil marks before the rubber eraser was invented?
What did Nippon Airways do to keep birds from being sucked into their plane’s engines?
Who was described in Playboy magazine as “Mary Poppins in Joan Collins’ clothing?
What did Lizzie Borden, Napolean, and Titian have in common?
How big is a cord of wood?
Where are the islands of Langerhans?
Answers
$9.2 million, Nudism, Water, 300 lbs., Pieces of Bread, They painted large eyes on engine intake manifolds, Vanna White, They were red heads, 4’X4’X8′ long, In the human body – Pancreas.
It’s “Weird Facts” Day here at Everyuselessthing. I’m offering a few odd and strange truisms you’ve probably never heard of before. Just another public service for those of you interested in the unusual. Some of this information was collected from a book authored by Dan Lewis in 2013. This is my homage to him, a fellow lover of the weirdness that is the human race.
In August 1962, American singer Bobby “Boris” Pickett released a novelty Halloween song “Monster Mash”. The song (his only hit) reached the top of the US Billboard charts in October of that year. But it took more than ten years for it to have any success in the UK. In 1962, the BBC banned the song from the airwaves, claiming it was “too morbid.” When the song was finally rereleased in 1973, the BBC saw it immediately rise to number three on the UK charts.
The Mona Lisa is not painted on canvas, but on three pieces of wood roughly an inch and a half thick.
Major League Baseball pitcher Jim Abbott was born without a right hand. Nevertheless, he had a ten-year career in the league, and on September 4, 1993, threw a no-hitter.
New York City is filled with carts selling hotdogs, pretzels, cold drinks, etc., with the core products running just a few bucks, depending on location. Central Park spots can earn as much as $175,000.00 annually, says Yahoo.com, and in 2008, one vendor bid more than $600,000.00 for the exclusive rights to sell wieners outside the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Toilet paper is not the greatest thing since sliced bread. It can’t be, because TP predated slice bread by more than 50 years. Commercial TP was invented in 1857 by a New Yorker named Joseph Gayetty, who sold packs of 500 sheets for $.50. It’s marketing language called the product “the greatest necessity of the age,” so perhaps, sliced bread is the greatest thing since toilet paper.
Today is as good a day as any to be silly. Here are fifteen quotes from a group of somewhat silly people. I do suspect some of them aren’t as silly as they seem to be.
“Always look out for Number One and be careful not to step in Number Two.” Rodney Dangerfield
“Men are superior to women. For one thing they can urinate from a speeding car.” Willl Durst
“Men are nicotine-soaked, beer-besmirched, whiskey-greased, red-eyed devils.” Carry Nation
“Every time I look at you, I get the fierce desire to be lonesome.” Oscar Levant
“Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself. Mae West
“Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.” Bob Rubin
“This gum tastes funny.” Sign on a condom machine.
“It’s OK to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don’t point.” Will Durst
“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Sigmund Freud
“Formula for Success: Rise early, work hard, strike oil.” John Paul Getty
“I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.” Henny Youngman
“The toughest part of being on a diet is shutting up about it.” Gerald Nachman
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” A. Whitney Brown
“Your medical tests results are in. You’re short, fat, and bald.” Ziggy
“My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.” Emo Philips
I ‘ve always enjoyed writing this blog because along with the fun interaction with readers I’m forced to continue my education into the use and misuse of the English language. Needless to say, after reading many of the somewhat illiterate emails I receive it’s obvious that more English needs to be taught at all levels of our education system and those of nearby countries. I suppose it would probably help a lot if the English language was mandated as the official language of this country, but until then my advice for potential legal immigrants is to learn passable conversational English and then go through the legal processes put in place to make you a future citizen. Unfortunately, that’s a subject for another day because today’s post is about WORDS.
Dr. Seuss is credited with the first use of the word “Nerd”.
The word “Geek” comes from the German word “geck” which means fool.
Another classier word for “stripper” is ecdysiast.
The longest made-up word in the Oxford English Dictionary is “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis”
In 1972 comedian George Carlin was arrested during a performance for publicly speaking seven unacceptable words: shit, piss, f*ck, c*nt, c**ksucker, motherf**ker, and tits. (I cleaned them up for all of you delicate types)
Only oysters, shellfish, and clams can be “shucked”.
There are 15 three letter words starting with the letter “Z”: zag, zap, zas, zax, zed, zee, zek, zep, zig, zin, zip, zit, zoa, zoo, and zuz. (That may help your Scrabble game)
The toughest tongue twister in the English language is “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep is sick.”
The word “earthling” was first used in Science Fiction in Robert Heinlein’s 1949 novel Red Planet.
It seems that the whole world is fascinated by the American west and cowboy lifestyles in general. But I’ve noticed over the years, being a limerick collector, there seem to be a huge gap of limericks relating to that time period. I think today is as good as any day to begin remedying that problem. I’d like to give a shout out to the memory of the late Ray Allen Billington, who spent many years writing about the American West. He edited and authored twenty-five books prior to his passing in 1981 and many contained limericks. So, put on your cowboy hat, slip on those fancy leather boots and spurs, sit back and enjoy a few wild west limericks to help kick start your libido.
I’ve used the term “Fake News” on a number of occasions over the last few years out of frustration with the Mainstream Media. It now appears that those same networks are getting their proverbial asses kicked and I have only one thing to say – KARMA BABY! It’s about effing time! Sometime ago I discovered a small book titled “Fake News” which probably would help explain why it’s so difficult for me to take most mainstream media types seriously. In my opinion news reporting should be something to help the public to become aware of problems, trends, and occurrences and how to deal with them. They should be the ultimate Public Service announcements which serve a useful purpose. This book was a treasure trove of truly stupid and sensationalistic headlines that make it difficult to take the reporters (news readers) seriously. I’ll list ten actual headlines to make my point.
ALBERT EINSTEINS QUOTE ABOUT LIVING A MODEST LIFE SELLS FOR $1.3 MILLION DOLLARS
SELENA GOMEZ CONFESSES HER BIZARRE CRUSH ON BARNEY THE PURPLE DINOSAUR
ZOO MEERKAT EXPERT SENTENCED OVER ASSAULT ON MONKEY HANDLER
IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE SEX WITH A GHOST – BRITISH WOMEN DOES AND LOVES IT.
KFC LAUNCHES DRUMSTICK BATH BOMBS THAT WILL MAKE YOU SMELL LIKE FRIED CHICKEN
CHUNKY RACCOON STUCK IN GRATE RESCUED BY FIREFIGHTERS
MAN ACCUSED OF PEEING ON FAMILY AT METALLICA CONCERT
POLE DANCING COULD BECOME AN OLYMPIC EVENT
SMALL TOWN CONNECTICUT ELECTION DECIDED BY COIN TOSS
PETA WANTS TO FLAVOR TOFU WITH GEORGE CLOONEYS SWEAT
Today I felt like breaking with my long-held tradition to avoid discussing religion. This will be my gift to all of you believers out there. These facts are interesting and at times ridiculous. Get down on your knees say a prayer or two and drink a large glass of holy water. Let’s get started.
A Bible published in England in 1632 left out the word “not” in the seventh commandment, making it read “Thou shalt commit adultery.” It became known as “The Wicked Bible.”
The first Bible to be published in America was in the language of the Algonquian Indians.
The New Testament was originally written in Greek.
At six cubits and a span, Goliath’s height was somewhere between nine feet, three inches and eleven feet, nine inches.
In February of 1964 evangelist Billy Graham broke his lifelong rule against watching television on Sunday – to see the Beatles first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show.
When W.C. Fields was caught glancing through a Bible, he explained it with, “Looking for loopholes.”
The only domesticated animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
Brigham Young, the famous Morman leader, married his twenty-seventh, and last wife in 1868.
Sonny and Cher, at the start of their careers, appeared in Bible advertisements for the American Bible Society.
Moses was 120 years old when he died. Methuselah lived to be 969 years old, according to Genesis.
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My favorite all time religious trivia fact.
LOL
On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globe Trotter.
Being a blogger allows me to cover many areas of our society and to be as truthful as I can possibly be. The government would like everyone to think that we’re all equal, but we aren’t. We still have different classes of individuals based primarily on the amount of money they have or don’t have. Is it fair? No! Will it ever change? Again NO! If it does change, I’ll never live to see it and I doubt seriously if my grandchildren will either. Maybe once the AI Singularity occurs things could change but who knows how? Human beings adapt to their circumstances in weird ways. Give a poor person 10,000,000 dollars and he/she will change dramatically. After a time, they will likely become a bit elitest and arrogant when dealing with people beneath them (monetarily). Today’s post will supply you with a few examples of extremely rich people talking about their lives and being totally unaware that the rest of us aren’t well-to-do.
“Until the age of 12 I sincerely believed that everybody had a house on Fifth Avenue, a villa in Newport and a steam-driven, ocean-going yacht.” Cornelius Vanderbilt Junior
“I have had no real gratification or enjoyment of any sort more than my neighbor on the next block who is worth only half a million.” William K Vanderbilt, who was worth 200 million when he died in 1885.
On a visit to the Holy Land in 1887, Edmund de Rothschild, upon seeing the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem for the first time, commonly inquired if it might be for sale.
During the 1890s, when William Randolph Hearst’s New York Journal was engaged in a nasty circulation war with Joseph Pulitzer’s World, an accountant warned Hearst that he was losing $1 million a year. Hearst thought for a moment and replied, “At that rate I can only last another 30 years.”
After her sentencing . . . to a four-year prison term, Leona Helmsley spent 4 days in a private room at New York Hospital, a hospital to which she had pledged $33 million. The doctors there were very concerned about our health. Her personal doctor declared there would be a “fatal determination” if Leona had to go to jail. No one I have met knows what a “fatal determination” actually means wrote Dennis Dugan of Newsday.
And finally, a quote from my favorite sarcastic wiseass: Mark Twain. Who continues to show his concern for us poorer folks and a little sarcasm for the wealthier.
“I wish to become rich so I can instruct the people and glorify honest poverty a little, like those kindhearted, fat, benevolent people do.”
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