I’m a huge fan of using quotations in my posts from the rich, the famous, and the wannabe famous. I thought today would be a good day to give kudos to the one person who supplies us with endless quotations that are almost always funny, truthful, and many times sarcastic. That writer is Mr. Anonymous. I did a little research this morning and came up with 15 quotes from Mr. Anonymous that I really liked and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. Here they are.
“Criticism is the disapproval of people, not for having faults but for having faults different from ours.“
“The Eiffel Tower in Paris is the Empire State building after taxes.“
“One reassuring thing about modern art is that things can’t possibly be as bad as they are painted.“
“An average film is where the actor has more lines in his face than in his script.“
“Modern art is when you buy a picture to cover a hole in the wall and then decide the hole looks much better.“
“Dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.“
“Hollywood is Malice in Wonderland.“
“If white bread could sing it would sound like Olivia Newton John.“
“Television is a box that has changed children from an irresistible force into an immovable object.“
“Parents never appreciate a teacher unless it rains all weekend.“
MR. ANONYMOUS
“You can tell a Harvard man, but you can’t tell him much.“
“Psychology is the science that tells you what you already know in words you don’t understand.“
“Eating food with a knife and fork is like making love through an interpreter.“
“If you speak three languages your trilingual. If you can speak two languages you are bilingual. If you can only speak one language you’re an American.“
“A Hollywood marriage is one in which the couple vow to be faithful until after the honeymoon.“
And now I’ll offer up one of my own quotes:
“OLD AGE AND RETIREMENT ARE JUST KARMIC RETRIBUTION”
I’ve stated many times as to my love for limericks especially those written by Isaac Asimov. Along with Isaac you must give a shout out to John Ciardi as well. He and Asimov had great fun trying to outdo each other with their written limericks. They even jointly published a book about their limerick feud which is a classic. These four limericks were written by John Ciardi for that book in response to a few that Asimov had written. I’ve read their book many times and still enjoy their bawdy humor. I hope you will enjoy it as well.
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The Times tells the world what is doing; Who’s winning, who’s losing, who’s suing, Whose striking, who’s stealing, Who’s dying, whose healing, But won’t say a word on who’s screwing.
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The girl who is really unbeatable Is the one with whom sex is repeatable. Who’s eternally screwable And always renewable, And who, most of all, is found eatable.
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There was a young woman named Cora Lee Who said, “I will do it immorally On top and bottom, Any way that I’ve got them, Vaginally, anally, and orally”.
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There once was a wicked old squire Who burned with libidinous desire. After screwing a nun And the minister son, He took all the girls in the choir.
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THE BOOK IS TITLED – ISAAC ASIMOV & JOHN CIARDI – A WAR OF WORDS
This blog is titled Every Useless Thing and I’m feeling today that you all must certainly need a huge dose of useless information. Just when I thought I’ve heard the weirdest s**t possible I just keep finding more and more and more. After all the years of my doing trivia it still amazes me how often I find things that boggle my mind. Let’s see if that will happen to you today.
The waist produced by a single chicken in its lifetime could supply enough electricity to run a 100 watt bulb for five hours.
The odds of being struck by lightning are one in 10 million.
Murphy’s Law: “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”
In 1992 convicted killer Robert Alton Harris stated just before entering the gas chamber: “You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper.”
The highest score ever achieved for one word in a Scrabble competition was 392 for the word caziques down two triple-word scores.
Mike Love, Pancho Villa, and Zsa Zsa Gabor were each married nine times.
Groucho Marx ate his first bagel at the age of 81..
Harrison Ford’s first film role was as a bellboy and his only line was “Paging Mr. Ellis”. Ellis was played by James Coburn.
Click Eastwood, Yasser Arafat, Elizabeth Taylor, Patrick Swayze, Sting, Luciana Pavarotti, Rowan Atkinson, and Ted Kennedy all survived plane crashes.
The odds of being killed in a road accident are one in 15,800.
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One of My Favorite Bands
The rock group 3 Dog Night obtained their name from an old Australian saying.“On a freezing night in the outback, a man would need to sleep with one dog to keep warm on a cold night, two dogs on a very cold night and three dogs on the coldest night.”
I want introduce you today to a few limericks which have been laundered. I guess laundered means a lot of the truly vulgar language has been cleaned out and made more readable to entertain a larger group of people. I discovered these limericks in a very small little book published in 1960. They were newly written at the time but they’re still just as enjoyable as they were then.
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A herder who hailed from Terre Haute Fell in love with a young nanny goat. The daughter he sired Was greatly admired For her beautiful angora coat.
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There was the young laundress named Singer Whose bust was a round pink humdinger. But flat, black and blue It emerged into view The day it got caught in the wringer.
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A merchant addressing a debtor Remarked in the course of his letter. That he chose to suppose A man knows what he owes And the sooner he pays it the better.
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The bashful young bachelor Cleary Of girls was exceedingly leery. Then a lady named Lou Showed him how and with who He could render his evenings more cheery.
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And here’s a tongue twister for you.
Drew drew Lulu in a tutu, Lulu in a tutu Drew drew, Lulu drew Drew, too, Drew drew a few anew, Till who knew who in the hell drew who.
I really hate to admit this, I’ve turned into a raging paranoic. I’ve blogged many times about fake and biased news and while it’s being addressed nationally these days, a lot of everyday folks love believing everything they read or hear. Today’s blog is a list of random nonsense being spoken of by good old ordinary Americans who obviously don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. It scares me a little because the more you tell a lie the more likely it is that some of the boneheads you’re telling believe it without question. I can’t do anything to stop that but I’ll certainly point out some strange shit that I’ve been seeing and hearing recently.
More than 1% of the US population is currently in jail. FALSE
Aspirin was originally invented to treat erectile dysfunction. FALSE
Left-handed people live an average of nine years longer than right-handed people. FALSE
Legendary children’s show host Mr. Rogers was once a Marine sniper with thousands of killed under his belt. FALSE
Despite being a common joke today, Robin never actually says Holy Cow (or Toledo)Batman during any episodes. FALSE
The planet Mercury is the hottest planet in the solar system. FALSE
If we removed every boat, ship, and submarine from the oceans, sea level would fall about 6 inches. FALSE
The popular online rumor suggests that hippopotamus milk is pink. FALSE
The word FUCK was once said over 1000 times in one movie. FALSE
Humans are the only animals on earth to perform oral sex on each other. FALSE
I thought today since its rather comfortable and cool I should leisurely look through my archives for a few dirty jokes to make you smile. We are expecting a rather nasty heat wave heading our way and I won’t be smiling much longer. Also, these are really just off-color jokes rather than the plain old filthy and dirty jokes I’ve posted previously.
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on his porch in his favorite rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa, what the hell are you doing?”, he asked. The old man looked off in the distance and didn’t answer him. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting here naked below the waist?, he asked once again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a really stiff neck. This was your grandma’s idea.”
Q. What’s the difference between your wages and a penis? A. You don’t have to beg your girlfriend to blow your wages.
A wife went to see her therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, Doctor.” Every time we’re in bed and my husband has an orgasm, he lets out an earsplitting yell.” My dear, the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.” The problem is dammit, it keeps waking me up.”
There are three girls, and their boyfriends who all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. The first stated, “I call my man Seven Up.” They asked her, “Why do you call your man that?” She says, “Because he has 7 inches and it’s always up.” They then asked the second girl what she calls her man. She says, “I call my man Mountain Dew.” Why on earth do you call him that?” She says, Because he likes to mount and do me.” They then asked the third girl the same question and she replied, “I like to call my man Jack Daniels.” They look at her in a puzzled way, Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!” She stated emphatically, “EXACTLY!”
The heatwave continues making all of us suffer for another week with no end in sight. I’m recuperating from recent cataract surgery and I’m somewhat limited to certain activities. Fortunately, writing the blog and working on my paintings has been approved without consequences. I thought today we’d have a little trivia test on the early years of cinema. As always the answers will be listed below.
For what two films did Elizabeth Taylor win best actress Oscars?
What American actress once described herself as “pure as the driven slush”?
Who was Gene Kelly’s unusual dancing partner in the imaginative 1945 film, Anchors Away?
Whose lengthy Oscar acceptance speech prompted the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to set a time limit for later award ceremonies?
In the 1968 film 2001: A Space Odyssey, what song did HAL, the computer, learn to sing?
What was the movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn’s real name?
In what film did the star *proposed by saying, “Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse”?
What film star won a special Oscar as “the most outstanding personality of 1934”?
Or which Alfred Hitchcock film did artist Salvador Dali designed the graphics?
Who did Fred Astaire name as his favorite dance partner?
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The Answers
Butterfield 8 and Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, Tallulah Bankhead, Jerry the animated mouse from the cartoon show, Greer Garson who spent 5 1/2 min. at the 1943 ceremonies for the film, were Mrs. Miniver, A Bicycle Built For Two, Samuel Goldfish, A Day at the Races with Groucho Marx, Shirley Temple, Spellbound in 1945, Gene Kelly.
It’s another gray and rainy day here in Maine which always gives me a terrible case of the blahs. So, this is the perfect day for me to return to my easel and complete some art projects that I’ve had going on for some weeks now. I can just relax and get into “the zone” while working on these projects which helps me forget what a really crappy day it is. With that thought in mind, I dug into my archives of old limericks for a selection dated in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s. Maybe one or more of them will make you smile a bit, who knows? For the most part they are rated PG.
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A virgin emerged from her bath In a state of righteous wrath, For she had been deflowered When she bent as she showered, And the handle was right in the path.
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A born again Christian named Claire Was having her first love affair. As she climbed into bed She reverently said, “I wish to be opened with prayer.”
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A penny-less colleague named Cy, Remark to a lass passing by, “I’ve never adjusted To being flat busted.” Said she, with a sigh, “Nor have I.”
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There was a young fellow named Dice Who remarked, ‘They say bigamy’s nice. Even two is a bore I prefer three or four, For the plural of spouse, it is spice.”
I thought I’d try something a little different today. I usually have lists of trivia facts about all sorts of topics and at times they can be interesting, funny, and every so often downright weird. Today’s trivia is a little more on the darker side but still interesting. Here are ten bits of trivia that’ll make you think and possibly shudder a little.
Howard Hughes at times wore empty tissue boxes as shoes. He also blew his nose in his socks.
Napoleon Bonaparte was afraid of cats, but he wasn’t alone: other ailurophobe’s included Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and Julius Caesar.
Actress Cybill Shepherd dated Elvis Presley in the early 1970s and once hinted on the Oprah Winfrey show that she had to teach the singer how to perform cunnilingus.
And here are two Osbourne family tidbits. Kelly Osbourne once expressed interest in posing nude for Playboy, but said that her breasts would need “some airbrushing.” Playboy founder Hugh Hefner later replied, “We don’t airbrush to that extent.”
Sharon Osbourne, wife of the late great Ozzy Osbourne, once admitted to sending her own excrement wrapped in Tiffany boxes to several people who criticized her family. When a journalist criticized her teenage children, Jack and Kelly, Ms. Osborne sent a box of excrement with a note that read, “I heard you got an eating disorder. Eat this.“
After his death in 1955, Elbert Einstein’s brain was removed and kept in a jar by Thomas Stoltz Harvey, the pathologist who conducted Einstein’s autopsy. Harvey was later fired from his job at Princeton Hospital for refusing to relinquish the organ.
Once upon a time an Italian stripper suffocated to death after waiting an hour to jump out of a sealed cake at a bachelor party.
The Cannibal Killer, Dorangel Vargas, The Hannibal Lector of the Andes, told the press that he preferred the taste of men to women, and never ate hands, feet, or testicles. “I have standards, you know”, said Vargas.
The FBI estimates that more than half a million pedophiles are online every day.
Television remote controls are the worst carriers of bacteria in hospital rooms; they spread antibiotic resistant Staphylococcus, which contributes to the 90,000 annual deaths from infection acquired in hospitals.
As you can see by the title this post is a Limerick Alert. Sometimes that means bawdy and off-color, and other times lame and just plain entertaining. Something else that we all seem to love are our pets and animals, therefore all of today’s limericks will be “animal” related. Here are four examples that caught my eye and I hope you enjoy them. I’d rate these limericks as “G” so the kids can read them too.
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There once was a young lady named Maggie Whose pet dog was terribly shaggy, The front end of him Look quite vicious and grim, But the tail was always friendly and waggy.
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The thoughts of a rabbit and sex Are seldom, if ever, complex. For a rabbit in need Is a rabbit indeed, And does just as one might expect.
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A freshman from down in Laguna Fell madly in love with a tuna. The affair, although comic, Was so economic, He wished he’d have thought of it soona!
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A sightseer from far McAboo, Observed a strange beast at the Zoo, When she asked: “Is it old? “ She was smilingly told It’s not an old beast, but a gnu!.
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And finally a clean favorite for my better-half the gardener:
everyuselessthing.com 