Archive for the ‘Stupidity’ Category
I have to admit I’m a bit of a “foodie”. At one time I was confident that the food systems in the United States were closely inspected. That was until I began learning additional facts that left me wondering what I’ve actually been eating. We are a country of laws (too many for sure) but these food facts are disturbing for me.
- Ground pepper must contain fewer than 475 insect fragments per 50 grams.
- No more than two rodent hairs, or 29 gnawed kernels, can be shipped in a pound of popcorn.
- Frozen peaches may contain up to 3% wormy or moldy fruit.
- Shelled peanuts must have fewer than 20 whole insects in a 100-pound bag.
- Canned pineapple cannot contain more than 20% moldy fruit pieces.
- Chocolate must contain fewer than 60 insect fragments per 100 grams, and no more than one rodent hair.
Here are a few additional food trivia facts.
- In China, the most popular use of Ketchup is as a condiment for fried chicken.
- The top-selling candy in the United States are M&Ms. Candy was invented in 1941 and named after its two inventors, Forrest E. Mars and R. Bruce Murrie. They debuted in 1954.
- The Haribo company produces roughly 100,000,000 gummy bears per day. If all of the gummy bears produced in a year were laid head-to-paw they would circle the earth four times.
- Each year Americans spend $9 billion dollars on candy.
- Out of each dollar spent at a movie theater’s concession stand, roughly $.85 is pure profit.
EAT UP
ENJOY YOUR BUG PARTS AND RODENT HAIR
It amazes me just how fast this year has flown by. It won’t be long here in Maine until I’m whining and complaining about the snow. Thinking about snow and ice is depressing most of the time but I’ll deal with it by writing about things that make me less depressed and bored. Being a formal high school and college graduate, I found the following statements to be funny and sad. Funny because some are ridiculous and sad because they’re all taken from actual high school and college exams. This collection mostly concerns Music Appreciation ad Music History.
- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
- The principal singer of 19th-century opera was called the pre-Madonna.
- An interval in music is the distance between one piano to the next.
- Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
- A tuba is much larger than its name.
- When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
- I can’t reach the brakes on this piano.
- The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
- The correct way to find a key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
HIGHER EDUCATION IS THE ULTIMATE OXYMORON
After receiving a few interesting emails and poems on my recent “Feet” posting I decided to offer up some of my own Bad Poetry for your entertainment. In my opinion poetry is best when humorous.
I just saw a sexy painted red toe
Peeking at me from a nearby sandal.
It looked soooo damn cute
It was almost more than I could handle.
As it sauntered on by
Four other toes caught my eye.
Oh my! Oh my! I felt such a tingle
And followed along hoping the owner was single.
I raised my head a tiny little bit
To checkout that anonymous owner.
And all of a sudden, I unfortunately discovered
The loss of a perfectly good boner.
😃😂😄
It’s kind of a rainy day here in Maine. It’s gray and miserable which makes me feel even lazier than I normally do. With that thought in mind I thought I’d reach all the way back to the year 1984 for some retro riddles. As you read them keep remembering these were written in the 1980s which might help you put them into their proper context. Here we go . . .
- What’s the difference between a gigolo, a doctor, a Rabbi, a girlfriend and a Quaalude? A gigolo is a penis vendor, a doctor is a penis mender, a rabbi is a penis ender, a girlfriend is a penis tender, and a Quaalude is a penis bender.
- When did the madam realize that the guy with no arms and legs on the front porch of the brothel wasn’t fooling around? When she figured out how he rang the doorbell!
- What did the dentist say to the lady after she told him she’d rather have a baby then have a tooth pulled? “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair!”
- What did the German general do when he heard that Napoleon wore red into battle so his troops wouldn’t panic in the event he was wounded? He ordered a brown uniform!
- Why should you think twice before you marry a girl with hair down to her waist and boobs that stick out to here? Because in 10 years her boobs will be down to her waist and her hair will stick out to there!
- Why can’t a man win with his wife? Because if he comes home early, she accuses him of being horny. If he comes home late, she suspects that he’s been out getting some. And if he comes home on time, she figures he’s got it already!
- Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don’t have testicles!
- What’s a liberated woman? A woman who has sex before marriage and a job afterwards!
- What’s the difference between a pig and a musician? A pig won’t stay up all night trying to fuck a musician!
- What’s a platonic relationship? A relationship between a guy who wants to have sex and a girl who doesn’t!
SMILE, IT’S ALMOST THE WEEKEND
HILLARY CLINTON ADOPTS ALIEN BABY
Back in the day it was normal for almost anyone standing in line at any grocery store to be bored out of their mind. What do you do then? You take one of the ever so strange publications in the rack and read the most outrageous stories that were obviously nothing but BS in tabloids like The National Inquirer, The Sun, and The Daily Record. I’m pleased to announce that most if not all of them still exist but these days they’re mostly on-line. My current favorite is The Weekly World News. They take legitimate stories and then spice them up with some of the worst headlines and facts that are twisted beyond belief. They are nothing more than hysterically funny comic relief. Here are a few samples of their work:
Alien Backs Clinton!
Bat Child Found in Cave!
Half-Human Half-Fish Found in Florida!
Titanic Baby Found Alive!
Bug Size UFO Found on Playground!
And you thought I was kidding. Here are a few more of their most outrageous stories and headlines. You can’t help but smile and shake your head after reading them.
11-YEAR-OLD BOY RAPED – BY SEX STARVED MAID WITH AIDS
BABY CATCHES BULLET WITH HIS GUMS
KID WITH THREE ARMS IS BASEBALL SENSATION
I MADE MYSELF PREGNANT WITH A TURKEY BASTER
ANT ARMY EATS 935 PEOPLE
SWORD SWALLOWER LAUGHS SO HARD – HE SLIT HIS THROAT
HAIL THE SIZE OF BOWLING BALLS FLATTENS TOWN
CHURCH COMMUNION CAN SPREAD AIDS
It’s interesting to sit back and enjoy “fake news” for a change that isn’t carefully disguised and worded by the Mainstream Media and all of our straight-shooting politicians. If you’d like to see more stop off at their website: weeklyworldnews.com. It’s worth a few laughs which we definitely need more of these days.
START YOUR WEEK WITH A LAUGH
I’m not a lover of celebrities because in all cases they are as flawed and screwed up as the rest of us. Being famous just makes their activities even worse than what they actually are because the media just won’t let go of things. Here are a few celebrity facts that most of you should find interesting. As I’m told so often, “everyone loves celebrities”. Well almost everyone.
- In 2006, William Shatner was paid $25,000.00 by an online casino for a kidney stone he had recently passed.
- Charlie Chapin once placed third in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
- Martha Stewart once dated actor Anthony Hopkins but dumped him because she couldn’t separate him from Hannible Lecter, his character in Silence of the Lambs.
- Elvis Presley got a “C” in music in eight grade and was told by the teacher that he had no singing talent.
- Actress Cybil Shepherd dated Elvis in the 70’s and hinted on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she had to teach him how to perform cunninlinqus.
- Mickey Mouse creator Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
- Actress Drew Barrymore began drinking at age nine, smoking weed at ten and snorting cocaine at twelve. She then entered rehab at age thirteen, the youngest star ever to do so.
- False web rumors began to circulate in 2005 that TV star Jaleel White (Urkel on Family Matters) had committed suicide and left a note that read “Did I do that?”, Urkel’s catchphrase.
- Nobel Prize winning biologist Francis Crick was high on LSD when he discovered the double helix structure of DNA.
- Actress Rebecca Gayheart while on her cell phone stuck and killed a nine-year old girl in LA in 2001. She pled guilty to manslaughter and was sentenced to three years’ probation and a fine.
WE’RE LOOKING FOR VOLUNTEERS WHO WANT TO BE FAMOUS
My favorite word today is “Raunchy”. It’s not a word that’s heard too often these days, but I’ll do my best to do it justice. Another of my favorite things are riddles. As a kid we enjoyed them, and they were always fun. I’ll merge them together and give you ten “Raunchy Riddles” from the 1980’s. Here we go.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porche? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How fast can a girl go when she’s having sex? 68 . . . If she went 69, she’d blow a rod.
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.
Why did the girl take a bath in peroxide? Because she heard that on the whole gentlemen prefer blonds
What can a girl put behind her ears to make her look sexy? Her knees.
What’s the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a hooker with diarrhea? An epileptic corn husker shucks between fits.
Why don’t men mind women claiming to be the foundation of our country? Because they know who laid the foundation.
What’s worse than a centipede with athletes’ foot? Captain Hook with jock itch.
What’s the French method of self-defense? Tung Fu
Why was the Duchess on her knees? She was down for the Count.
DON’T YOU JUST LOVE THE 80’S?
I’ll be the history fanatic today offering you a few facts that most people haven’t heard or read about. So, no run-of-the-mill stuff today. I hope you enjoy them.
1900
In Brussels, a young anarchist made an assassination attempt on the Prince of Wales. (Future King Edward VII). His Royal Highness reputedly explained, “Fuck it, I’ve taken a bullet.”, although he was in fact untouched.
1902
So numerous were the mistresses of Edward VII that at his coronation a special pew, known as the “loose box” was reserved for them.
1904
The French physician and psychiatrist, Madeleine Pelletier, A cross-dressing celibate feminist, became a Freemason, joining the Novell Jerusalem lodge.
1905
The 25-stone Chelsea goalkeeper, William “Fatty” Folkes, lifted a Port Vale forward off the ground and hurled him into his own goal. The penalty was awarded against Chelsea.
1905
Maurice Garin won the Tour de France, but four months later it was shown that he had traveled some of the route by train rather than by bicycle.
1909
On 12 December, King Leopold II of the Belgians married Caroline Lacroix, a prostitute who had borne him two sons. He died five days later.
1912
As soon as the Titanic went down, the White Star Line, the ship’s owners, stopped the wages of the crew.
1914
On November 4, a British attempt to capture the port of Tanga in German East Africa was repelled when the invaders were attacked by swarms of bees and were obliged to retreat into the sea.
1915
In New York, the French artist Marcel Duchamp submitted a work entitled Fountain to the Salon des Independents, which rejected it. The work comprised a porcelain urinal, signed by “R. Mutt”
Once again here is a collection of what the hell ever”. A mixture of stupid advertisements, bumper stickers, and whatever else I happen to find on my desk. TGIAF (Thank God It’s Almost Friday)
Newspaper Headlines
Statistics Show that Mortality Increases Perceptively in the Military During Wartime
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
😗😗😗
Newspaper Classified Ads
Two wire-mesh butchering gloves, one 5-finger, oine 3-finger, pair: $15.00
Bill’s Septic Cleaning – “We haul American-made products.”
For Sale – An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
😜😜😜
Malaprops From Grade School and High School Exams
Afterward Moses went up on Mt. Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
Most words are easy to spell once you get the words write.
The air is thin high up in the sky. Down here it’s fat.
Flying saucers are just an optical conclusion.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns: Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.
😏😏😏
THIS IS GOOD PREP FOR THE WEEKEND
I stumbled across a rather large collection of really stupid newspaper headlines this week. I just can’t resist throwing a few of them your way. This kind of stuff just boggles the mind. The first one is the classic screw up and must be seen again.
DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO THE POPE
PANDA MATING FAILS, VETERINARION TAKES OVER
CLINTON WINS BUDGET, MORE LIES AHEAD
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
I especially like the Clinton one. I wonder if the editor got reprimanded. That would have been a big NO-NO for a liberal newspaper. Let’s continue.
COUPLE SLAIN, POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
ILLITERATE? WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP
LOW WAGES SAID KEY TO POVERTY
It’s hard to believe just how many of these I’ve collected. I should start posting only the ones that are well written and correct. It’s a much smaller number to deal with.
OVER THE HUMP DAY
everyuselessthing.com 