My favorite word today is “Raunchy”. It’s not a word that’s heard too often these days, but I’ll do my best to do it justice. Another of my favorite things are riddles. As a kid we enjoyed them, and they were always fun. I’ll merge them together and give you ten “Raunchy Riddles” from the 1980’s. Here we go.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porche? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How fast can a girl go when she’s having sex? 68 . . . If she went 69, she’d blow a rod.
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.
Why did the girl take a bath in peroxide? Because she heard that on the whole gentlemen prefer blonds
What can a girl put behind her ears to make her look sexy? Her knees.
What’s the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a hooker with diarrhea? An epileptic corn husker shucks between fits.
Why don’t men mind women claiming to be the foundation of our country? Because they know who laid the foundation.
What’s worse than a centipede with athletes’ foot? Captain Hook with jock itch.
What’s the French method of self-defense? Tung Fu
Why was the Duchess on her knees? She was down for the Count.
Once again here is a collection of what the hell ever”. A mixture of stupid advertisements, bumper stickers, and whatever else I happen to find on my desk. TGIAF (Thank God It’s Almost Friday)
Newspaper Headlines
Statistics Show that Mortality Increases Perceptively in the Military During Wartime
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
😗😗😗
Newspaper Classified Ads
Two wire-mesh butchering gloves, one 5-finger, oine 3-finger, pair: $15.00
Are you human? Has anyone ever honestly asked you that question? If someone ever does, ask for specifics. Being human is a ridiculously hard job since the body seems to be on autopilot most of the time. Breathing, digesting food, eliminating waste, and a host of other things. It goes about the business of keeping us alive and does what’s needed regardless of how we feel. It’s truly the only thing that keeps us alive regardless of how careless and stupid we are. Read on . . .
Did you know that on average, the whiskers in a man’s beard grow nearly 6 inches per year?
If you’re a man, and your index finger is shorter than your ring finger your one third more likely to be diagnosed with prostate cancer. Scientists think that men with longer index fingers have lower levels of testosterone, which offers some protection against prostate cancer.
Human fingernails grow four times faster than their toenails.
The only places on the human body where hair will not grow are the soles of the feet, palms of the hand, lips, and eyelids (not counting eyelashes).
Did you know the heart mimics the music you listen to and can trigger physiological changes that increase or decrease your blood pressure?
Your left lung is slightly larger than your right lung.
The longest recorded bout of pickups lasted for 68 years. Charles Osborne, a hog farmer from Iowa began hiccupping in 1922 and didn’t stop until 1990 at age 97.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
Redheads are more likely than other people to be left-handed.
Human beings can survive longer without food than they can without sleep. The longest any person has gone without sleep not using stimulants or other drugs is 264 hours, or about 11 days. The longest a person has gone without food or water (total starvation) is 73 days.
TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY, IT’S ALWAYS TAKING CARE OF YO
Since reading blogs slows considerably during these hot and sweaty days of Summer, I thought a short list of strange things were just what is needed today. If all of you aren’t reading much in this heat, here are a few more things you probably won’t read.
For passengers who may not quite get it, American Airlines once printed instructions on their snack packages. “Open packet, eat nuts.”
A female ferret can die from going into heat and not mating.
In 1900, the average white woman’s life expectancy was only 48.7 years. For women of color, the life expectancy was 33.5 years.
Your stomach creates a new mucus layer every two weeks.
Thomas Edison preferred to do his reading in Braille, and he proposed to his wife in Morse code.
American go through 12 billion bananas in a typical year.
Roses are the symbol of the Virgin Mary. Catholic “rosaries” were originally made of 165 dried and rolled rose petals.
Disney’s Space Mountain roller coaster was the first thrill attraction to be operated by a computer.
The first time an instant replay was seen on TV was during an Army-Navy football game on December 7, 1963. CBS director Tony Verna masterminded the idea.
Founding Father George Washington was a distant relation of King Edward I, Queen Elizabeth II, Sir Winston Churchill, and Gen. Robert E Lee.
Living in Maine is always interesting. Maine is a large state with a very small population and most of the state is covered in forests with a population that consists of many rural folks. After moving here, I noticed that a great many people raise chickens. Every other yard has a chicken coop and a few birds roaming around the property. I always thought it was primarily the eggs everyone wanted but there are a couple of other reasons to have chickens I never considered. They are an easy way to remove bugs and ticks from your property and it’s also a very helpful way to help feed the many hawks, coyotes, and foxes that seem to be everywhere. They have to eat too you know. It’s not at all unusual for a homeowner to initially purchase six chickens and then be forced to replace a few every so often due to missing birds.
You would think these rural folks would be familiar with the many superstitions that surround chicken ownership. My better-half has tried numerous times to convince me to become a chicken owner but I’ve refused. I love eating them but after learning about all of these superstitions . . . no thank you. Here are a few things any potential chicken owner needs to know . . .
If a hen roosts at noonday that’s a sign that someone in the family will soon die.
Anyone who has the blood of the chickens spilled on their clothes will die an unnatural death.
The clucking of a hen near a patient’s head is a sign of death.
Watch out for mean gossip about you if you see two hens fighting.
If you see hens laying eggs, you will have good luck.
If you tie an old tough hen to a fig tree, the hen’s meat will become tender.
In Korea it’s unlucky if you hear a rooster crow at sunset and a hen cluck at night.
In Africa it’s unlucky for a rooster to crow before midnight.
In Germany it is believed that when a rooster crows when a guest is leaving – even if it’s at daybreak – that guest will soon die.
If a rooster crows in your cellar door – even at daybreak – it’s a sign of a speedy marriage.
If a rooster crows all day, expect rain.
If a rooster comes into your home, it’s a sign strangers will soon visit.
I hope that knowing all of these potential issues with chickens will help those of you who are on the fence about chicken ownership. I guess you could call this post a PSA, that’s Public Service Announcement for you chicken owners out there.
I’ve posted previously about what Number Freaking is all about. If you’re really interested just do a search to read those posts. Today’s number freaking facts and stats concern sex. I knew that would get your attention very quickly. Read on and be educated . . .
The Penguin Atlas of Human Sexual Behavior claims sexual intercourse takes place, worldwide, 120 million times every day. Assuming an average of one male per coupling and one orgasm per male It is estimated that 30 million billion (30 quadrillion) sperms are in the hunt every day.
Assuming a healthy male can make as many as 1500 sperm a second, in 1 min. he can produce 90,000 sperm.
There are 2.2 billion adult women on earth. It would take one man 17 days to make one’s sperm per woman.
The average number of kids born per women worldwide is 2.8. So, assume an average woman will lose 28 menstruating months to pregnancy during her lifetime.
The average woman will menstruate 19.66 quarts of blood in her lifetime. That’s about the same amount as two cases of wine.
The average American man first gets married at the age of 28.7 years and dies at the age of 76. A duration of 47.8 years. If he could manage having sex three times a day every day until he dies, he would’ve had intercourse 52,376 times.
According to the Penguin Atlas of Human Sexual Behavior the country boasting the longest lasting sexual intercourse is Brazil at 30 min. The USA, Canada, and Brits follow with 28, 23, and 21 min. respectively. The quickest sex in the world takes place in Thailand in 10 min. and Russia in 12 min.
The data shows that almost 88% of men’s penises measure between 5 and 7 inches when erect. When relaxed 90% of men are 3 to 5 inches.
Kinsey also reports that the average vagina is 3 inches long with a diameter of .8 inches when aroused, and 3.75 to 4.1 inches long with a diameter of 2.3 to 2.5 inches when stimulated (so it’s wide enough for birth).
Women in Kinsey studies said that on average they took just under 4 min. to achieve orgasm, flying solo. Practicing with a partner, however, it took between 10 and 20 min.
And here is one of my favorite factoids concerning men. There is a popular assumption that man think constantly about sex. Globally, life expectancy at birth, for a man, is 65 years. If we assume men start thinking about sex with the advent of puberty, which we’ll assume to be at age 13, that means men will think about sex every 6 seconds for 52 years or 273.5 million times.
It’s not often I get surprised especially by anonymous gifts from readers. My surprise occurred a few days ago when I received a fifty-page paperback booklet printed in 1999. It contains a collection of what are titled “Looney Limericks”. I haven’t the faintest idea who sent it but please consider this a big thank you, whoever you are. Here are a few samples of some clean and funny limericks apparently written for children.
In my younger days I spent a great deal of time in the oldest graveyards in southern Massachusetts. I did gravestone rubbings, sketches, and even a number of oil paintings. I even stretched t-shirts over gravestones, did rubbings, and sold them through a local gift shop. I had many requests from families for shirts with their family name or their favorite epithets. It seems everyone is either fascinated by graveyards or afraid of them. I’ve always loved them because of the absolute quietness. I spent many an hour curled up with a good book, under a tree, in my favorite graveyard.
Here are a few unusual and catchy tombstone epithets for your entertainment.
M.S. Donald Robertson, died 4 June 1848, age 63. “He was a peaceable man, and, to all appearance a sincere Christian. His death was much regretted – which was caused by the stupidity of Lawrence Tulloch of Clotherton who sold him nitre instead of Epsom salts by which he was killed in the space of three hours after taking a dose of it.” Cross Kirk, Shetland, England
“Sacred for the memory of Anthony Drake, who died for peace and quietness sake. His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’, so he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.” Burlington, Massachusetts
“Sacred to the memory of Elisha Philbrook and his wife Sarah, beneath these stones do lie. Back-to-back, my wife and I. When the last trumpet the air shall fill, if she gets up, I’ll just lie still.” Sargentville, Maine
“Beneath this stone, a lump of clay lies Arabella Young, who on the 21st of May began to hold her tongue.” Hatfield, Massachusetts
Sacred to the memory of Jared Bates who died August the 6th, 1800. His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street, has every qualification for a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.” Lincoln, Maine
“Fear God, keep the commandments, and don’t attempt to climb a tree, for that’s what caused the death of me.” Eastwell, Kent, England
“Here lies I, Jonathan Fry. killed by a skyrocket in my eye socket.” Frodsham, Cheshire, England
Who doesn’t love trivia? Even a person who reads trivia and claims not to enjoy it actually does learn something. The more facts you learn, regardless of content, adds information to your memory banks. “More” is always better than “Less”. Here’s a little more for you . . .
In 200 BC, the Carthaginian ruler, Hannibal, defeated an enemy’s navy by stuffing poisonous snakes into earthen jugs and catapulting them onto the decks of his opponents’ ships.
National Bathroom Reading Week is the second week in June.
An unusual baseball injury occurred when former Braves first baseman, Ryan Klesko, pulled a muscle by lifting his lunch tray.
The gluteus maximus, the muscle that makes up the buttocks, is the biggest muscle in the human body.
The square most commonly landed on in the game of Monopoly is Illinois Avenue. (The Go space ranks second.)
The original title of the Buddy Holly hits on “Peggy Sue” was “Cindy Lou”.
The very first stolen car was reported in St. Louis Missouri, in 1905.
The colors of the Campbell Soup label – carnelian red and white – were chosen from the colors of the Cornell University football team.
Nike shoes got their distinct waffle sole design in 1971, after track coach Bill Bowerman’s wife served him breakfast. Inspired by the design, he put rubber in his wife’s waffle maker and created what would become Nike’s custom sole.
The Library of Congress in Washington DC, is the largest library in the world, containing 28 million books and 532 miles of shelving.
Now be truthful. Don’t you feel just a little bit smarter? Add this quote to your files as well:
“Experience is the name everyone gives to his mistakes.” Oscar Wilde
Here are the final limericks in Mr. McCord’s limerick construction primer. I thoroughly enjoy reading the work created by such an intelligent man who enjoys his love of poems and limericks as I do. His non-limerick poetry is also outstanding as you will see.
💥💥💥
It’s been a bad year for the moles
Who live just in stockings with holes;
And bad for the mice
Who prefer their boiled rice
Seved in shoes that don’t have any soles.
💥💥💥
There once was a man in the Moon,
But he got there a little too soon.
Some others came later
And fell down a crater,
When was it? Next August? Last June?
💥💥💥
I don’t much exactly quite care
For those cats with short ears and long hair.
But if anything’s worse
It’s the very reverse:
Just you ask any mouse anywhere.
💥💥💥
💥💥💥
So, by chance it may be you’ve not heard
Of a small sort of queer silent bird.
Not a song, trill, or note
Ever comes from his throat.
If it does, I take back every word.
💥💥💥
And last but not least.
Write a limerick now. Say there was
An old man of some place, what he does,
Or perhaps what he doesn’t,
Or isn’t or wasn’t.
Want help with it? Give me a buzz.
💥💥💥
I heard my first limerick when I was about 7 years old when I was eavesdropping on my father and one of his friends. I heard my dad recite this little gem. My love of limericks was born!
everyuselessthing.com 