Archive for the ‘Useless Crap’ Category

12-14-2013. Journal Entry   Leave a comment

I received my second gift of this Fall season yesterday.  My first gift was my broken leg that occurred at the end of October.  The second gift was the doctor declaring my leg healed after just six weeks and ordering the removal of the air cast and those dirty, rotten, miserable, and effing crutches.  Also, he felt physical therapy wouldn’t be necessary either.  He slapped on a small and unobtrusive ankle brace which allows me to once again wear a normal shoe and walk on two feet.  I was on my way home and I was thrilled BUT . . . . .

You’d think I’d be happier but over the years I’ve discovered that every silver cloud has a dark and disturbing chewing center.  During my two months of hopping around on one leg I forgot just how much of a negative effect not using that leg could be.  I lost almost thirty percent of the muscle mass in my leg in just 2 months.  I also was so concerned about the broken bone that I gave very little thought to the damage my knee suffered in the same accident.  Now that I’m able to put full weight on the leg the knee is screaming for attention. I gave up the cast for an ankle brace and gave up the crutches for a knee brace.  There seems to be no end to this madness and some one somewhere is intent on having me hobbled for Christmas.  It’s a little spooky.

I decided to celebrate with my better-half on my return to two legged walking and we planned a night out to have some fun.  First we had to babysit the grandson on my first nite back which was fun like always. My better-half returned to work the next day and upon her arrival home she was complaining  endlessly about all of the sick employees who’d been calling off and leaving early due to some kind of virus.  The next morning I was lying in bed and felt the dreaded tickle in the back of my throat.  Twenty-four hours later I’m sneezing, my nose is running, and the fever is building.  I’ve now been on my back for two days with some sort of damn flu courtesy of either my grandson or my better-half.  K M N !!!

If I don’t catch anymore diseases or break anymore bones I hope to be back on my feet by Christmas.  I’d just be happy to feel good and be able to walk into the kitchen unaided by anyone or anything.  I certainly hope New Years remains uneventful.  I’ll be locking myself up in solitary confinement on the 26th and staying there for the rest of the month.  No contact with my better-half, no visits from my cat, and especially no visits or contact from that disease carrying little runt of a grandson.  The party will be a quiet one but at least I’ll be feeling better.  I’m hoping against hope that 2014 is a vast improvement over this year.

And here’s the cherry on top of my December sundae.  I awoke this morning to find fifteen inches of snow covering everything.  I immediately attacked it with my snow blower to help my better-half go to work.  Big surprise, I traveled no more than 100 feet and it died.  They say things come in threes so I think I should be good for a while.

DECK THE EFFING HALLS

12-14-2013 HIGH SCHOOL – 1957 vs. 2013   2 comments

I’m was never in high school during the 1950’s.  I just wanted to be clear on that point because I was in what is now called Middle school.  To say there are differences between now and the fifties is a huge understatement.  As mentioned yesterday, political correctness is responsible for accelerating that change. Here are a few hypothetical scenarios showing the differences.  When you first read them you might think the writer was exaggerating to make a point.  If you really look at it honestly you can see it’s not exaggerated at all.

* * *

Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.

1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2013 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2013 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2013 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2013 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with a friend who also has a headache.

2013 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2013 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 – Ants die.

2013 ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 –In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2013 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

* * *

Do you honestly think it was exaggerated?  I don’t.  I’m glad for two things this Christmas season. One, that I’m not a kid attending school these days, and second, I have no grand children in the schools yet.  It gives me time to get their minds right before the liberal academics begin their propagandizing.

MERRRRRRY CHRISTMAS

12-12-2013 Political Correctness in Sports   4 comments

I’ve been fighting the good fight against political correctness for more years than I care to admit.  All in all it’s made no difference whatsoever.  It hasn’t changed my thinking in the least but I’m out numbered by people and government institutions that have more money and power than I.  They’ve made political correctness a permanent part of the American landscape and I’m not sure what it will take to get us back on track.  The only thing I’m absolutely sure is that I won’t be alive to see the change if it ever comes.

I’ll continue to fight the good fight and ridicule those politically correct fools whenever possible and use my sarcasm as a weapon against them.  With that in mind I present for your edification the following article.  It was sent to me by a long time friend in KC who is another warrior against political correctness.  It made me laugh and then after I thought about it some more I stopped laughing.  You sports fanatics will appreciate this.

* * *

I agree with our Native American population—I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.  One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as warriors, but nay nay….   We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let’s ditch The Kansas City Chiefs, The Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.  If your panties are in a bunch because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns as well.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of the militant Blacks from the 60’s alive.  Gone.  Offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population.  Do you see a team named for the Confederacy?  No!  There is no room for any reference to that tragic war between the states that cost this country so many young men’s lives.  Besides, the South shall rise again!!

I’m also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our football team names.  Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.  The fact that there are birds on their shirts does not protect either the Arizona or the St. Louis Cardinals—gone!

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged as their way of life.  We are talking the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children—and it is all about the children. The Green Bay Packers and the St. Louis Rams–promote gay men.  Wrong message to our children.

The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible spending habits.  Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity–a growing childhood epidemic.  Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates.  Drugs is definitely a wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers—well, that goes without saying….   Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go.  We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should.  A high priority directly behind efficiently managing our country’s health care.

* * *

We will soon be watching the Unicorns vs Kittens on Sunday afternoons.  GO UNICORNS, KICK THE HELL OUT OF THEM KITTENS!  Can I get an amen?

12-06-2013 More Beer Trivia   2 comments

My better-half has an addiction. It’s one of those addictions that isn’t one that is so terrible that rehab becomes an issue.  Her addiction is more like being madly in love rather than addicted.   I kid her about it a lot but it’s always in good, clean fun. I dedicate this posting to her and the huge garbage bag of bottle caps she’s been saving for the last thirty years. At this rate we may have enough to build her a small drinking establishment made completely of bottle caps.  If we do build something like that I think it should look something like this so all of her male friends, family, and co-workers can be totally comfortable.

 bestbar

Now let’s get started with a list of some of her most favorite topics which are always beer related.

* * *

The ’33’ on a bottle of Rolling Rock was originally a printer’s error. It refers to the 33 words in the original slogan. It has generated enough mystery over the years that the company left it in the label.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In the Czech Republic, beer is cheaper than Coke. A half liter at the local pub costs just 30 cents (10.50 CZK) while a half liter of Coke costs 85 cents (30 CZK). Beer is a little more expensive than club soda (which costs 29 cents, or 10 CZK, for a half liter).

A labeorphilist is a collector of beer bottles.

A tegestologist is a collector of beer mats.

A flood of beer swept through the streets of St. Giles, England, on 17 October 1814. Caused by a rupture in a brewery tank containing 3500 barrels of beer, the tidal wave killed nine people and demolished two houses.

The first six-pack of beer was produced by the Pabst Brewery in the 1940s. The brewery conducted numerous studies, which found six cans were the ideal weight for the average housewife to carry home from the store.

In eleventh-century England, a bride would distribute ale to her wedding guests in exchange for donations to the newlyweds. This brew, known as Bride Ale, is the origin of the word ‘bridal’.

One method of checking a beer’s quality is the way in which the foam adheres to the side of the glass after each sip. Beer connoisseurs call this “Brussels lace.”

In 1888 citizens of Munich took to the streets and rioted after a beer price increase was announced.

Czechs drink the most beer in the world per capita – an average of 160 liters a year per person.

In merry old England, town inns paid a government tax known as a ‘scot’ for serving beer. Beer lovers who left town to drink at rural pubs were said to be drinking ‘scot free’.

Beer recipes have been found on Babylonian clay tablets from over 6000 years ago.

Guinness sells an average of 7 million glasses a day.

The British Army supplied its men with a cash allowance for beer, considered a vital nutritional staple on long overseas missions. With this allowance of one penny, soldiers enjoyed six pints of ale every day.

In Egypt, two containers of beer were the minimum wage for a day’s labour.
Beer was often served for breakfast in medieval England.

It was customary in the 13th century to baptize children with beer.

A barrel contains 31 gallons of beer. What Americans commonly refer to as a keg is actually 15.5 gallons, or a half-barrel.

The Budweiser Clydesdales weight up to 2,300 pounds and stand nearly 6 feet at the shoulder.

12 oz. of a typical American pale lager actually has fewer calories than 2 percent milk or apple juice.

The world’s strongest beer is ‘Samuel Adams’ Triple Bock, which has reached 17% alcohol by volume. To obtain this level, however, they had to use champagne yeast.

The oldest known written recipe is for beer.

* * *

This posting should kick off her holiday celebration  this year.  I’ll be helping her stock up on her beer inventory because the worst thing that can happen is for her to run out too early.  We’ll have to search diligently for a proper beer that’s special enough to be left out for Santa.  To hell with that milk and cookies nonsense.  In this house it’s beer and pretzels.

Little does she know that I was awake last Christmas eve when she slid quietly out of bed and drank all of Santa’s beer.  My parents couldn’t fool me with the milk and cookies scam and she needs to know she can’t either.  On top of everything else I hate waking up Christmas morning with a bed full of salt and pretzel chunks.  They can hurt!

11-29-2013 A Look Back!   1 comment

According to Socrates “an unexamined life is not worth living”.  I agree with that to a point because there are times when looking back has truly restorative value.  It clears the mind by allowing us to revisit simpler and sometimes happier times.   The post that follows is me looking back and remembering how different things were not so long ago.  I’m not saying they were always better but in some cases they definitely were.  Read on and enjoy a short but detailed visit to my early childhood.

Way back…

I’m talking about hide and seek at dusk, sitting on the porch. Hot bread and butter, eating’ a super-dooper sandwich (Dagwood), Red light, Green light, 1 2 3.

Chocolate milk, lunch tickets, penny candy in a brown paper bag. Hopscotch, butterscotch, Double-Dutch, jacks, kickball, and dodge ball. Mother, May I? Hula Hoops, Sunflower Seeds, jawbreakers, blow pops, Mary Janes, and running through the sprinklers. The smell of the sun and licking salty lips.

Wait……

Watching lightening bugs in a jar, playing slingshot and Red Rover. When around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere.

Bedtime, Climbing trees. A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers. Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, sitting on the curb, jumping down the steps, jumping on the bed, and pillow fights.

Being tickled to death, running till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Being tired from playing …. Remember that?

I’m not finished just yet…

What about the girl that had the big bubbly hand writing? Licking the beaters when your mother made a cake. When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers), and the only time you wore them at school, was for “gym.”

When nobody owned a purebred dog. When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus. When you’d reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then. When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free. And you didn’t pay for air, and, you got trading stamps to boot! When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

Not done yet . . .

When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed…and did! When being sent to the principal’s office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot. When nearly everyone’s mom was at home when the kids got there.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn’t because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.  Disapproval of our parents and grandparents was a much bigger threat!

Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.” Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “do over!” “Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in “Monopoly.”

Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best” friends. Being old, referred to anyone over 20. The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn’t matter. It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn’t an Olympic event.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

Nobody was prettier than Mom.

IT’S NICE TO OCCASIONALLY LOOK BACK

11-26-2013 More Useless Information   2 comments

I think you all need another dose of this blogs specialty, Useless Information. After working all day at the office or as a homemaker your head is filled with numbers, To-Do lists, and nasty thoughts about your boss or other co-workers.  Even though your mind is racing with all this stuff it’s now my job to slow things down, make you smile, and begin the relaxation process that’s so badly needed by us all.

These facts are sometimes funny but always interesting and I forward them along to you because I feel your mental well being is now my responsibility. Pour yourself a beer or glass of wine, put your feet up, turn on some mellow music and just relax.  Unwind totally, pet the dog or cat, kiss the kids, and a big wet one for your spouse.  Here they are:

  • Elvis Presley’s favorite amusement park ride was the bumper cars.
  • Albert Einstein slept 10 hours a night.
  • The game of badminton was once called “poona”.
  • Some obsessed fan paid $14,000.00 for the bra worn by Marilyn Monroe in the move Some Like It Hot.
  • Sammy Davis Jr. was originally known professionally as “Silent Sam, the Dancing Midget.”
  • About a quarter of the oxygen in your blood is used by the brain.
  • Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
  • According to mathematicians, the billionth digit of pi is 9.
  • Millie the White House pet dog earned more than four times as much as her owner, President Bush, in 1991.
  • Astronaut Buzz Aldrin claims to have been the first man to “piss in his pants on the moon.”
  • There are more plastic flamingos in the United States than real ones.
  • Alexander the Great was buried in a vat of honey.
  • The Hundred Years War lasted 116 years.
  • In 1992 Lee Harvey Oswald’s cadaver tag was sold at auction for $6,600.
  • The average U.S. student attends school 180 days; in China, it’s 251 days.
  • 40% of people killed from falling off a horse are drunk.
  • Most of the villains in the Bible have red hair.
  • You can make 11 1/2 omelets with one ostrich egg.
  • Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards.
  • Sherlock Holmes kept his tobacco in the toe of a Persian slipper.

There, do you feel more relaxed now.  I certainly hope so.  There’ll be more of this useless information coming your way very soon.

11-21-2013 Miscellaneous Stupid Crap   Leave a comment

Today is “Stupid” day here at Every Useless Thing.  I thought I’d start your short trip through my neighborhood with this photo that is worth much more than a thousand words. It perfectly explains for me our government’s innate ability to handle those complex jobs they keep asking us to finance.

rpossum

Let’s move on to our next subject which has always been a source of mirth and giggling for me.  I love anything fart related thanks to my late father.  He had a strange sense of humor that as a child I learned to appreciate and be wary of.  I learned at a very early age when he stuck out his hand and requested “smell my fingers” that I should run not walk away as quickly as possible.  He nailed me with that prank just once but kept trying for the next thirty years to get me a second time.  Here are a few fart facts you probably don’t know.

  • Termites are the largest producers of farts.

  • Farts are created mostly by E. coli.

  • On the average a fart is composed of about 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane, and 4% oxygen. Less than 1% is what makes them stink.

  • The temperature of a fart at time of creation is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.

  • Farts have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second. (Where’s the record on hang-time?)

  • A person produces about half a liter of farts a day.

  • Although they won’t admit it, women fart as much as men. (And they really reek – just a personal observation.)

  • The word "fart" comes from the Old English "feortan" (meaning "to break wind").

  • Excess gas in the intestinal is medically termed "flatulence."

So much for your continuing fart education.  Next is a photograph for all of those American commuters who daily ride the rails to and from work in most of our major cities.  Stop your bitching and complaining about the crowds and the terrible conditions.  As you can see by this photo it can get worse.

traincommute

I’ll just bet that riding on that train gives a whole new meaning to the term B.O.  God bless America!  Now in keeping with this blogs name, here are a few totally useless facts which are stupid and interesting all at the same time.

  • A bag of 1,000 quarters weighs 13.42 lbs.

  • You can’t sneeze in your sleep.

  • Siphonapterology is the study of fleas.

  • The albatross can fly while sleeping.

  • Morphine is named after the Greek god of sleep.

  • Pigs can get a suntan.

  • Alfred Hitchcock had no bellybutton.

  • Ostriches don’t bury their heads in the sand.

  • There are 31,557,600 seconds in a year.

  • Hitler’s favorite movie was King Kong.

Finally I thought you should be made to appreciate the efforts I make in getting this blog posted every day.  This is the telephone pole just outside my home where I’m forced to rewire my Internet connection on a daily basis because of my neighbors. They keep trying to illegally hook up to my feed and it’s a real battle at times. What’s life without a struggle or two?

indianelectical

Have a Wonderful Day!

11-16-2013 The “Battle of the Sexes” Continues   2 comments

I discovered the following list while roaming around the Net yesterday.  I’m known for being sarcastic at times especially when writing about our female counterparts who tend to bring out the devil in me.  The “Battle of the Sexes” is something I take very seriously and I feel that it’s my job to defend my gender.  I think it’s only fair to make sure that women don’t get an unfair upper-hand in the amount of sarcastic BS they circulate about men.  I promise to do my very best to keep  us men on an even keel with them. 

For some reason sarcasm irritates the hell out of many women except for when they’re spewing it themselves.  This list of “Reasons It’s Good to Be a Women”" appear to have been written by a sarcastic and mean-spirited female sexist.  Since she seems to have gone over the edge with her comments I thought I should respond in kind. I’m not saying she’s a man hater but it’s certainly someone who must has been dumped recently or has a string of failed relationships that fueled her anger and sarcasm.  I hope you enjoy this item-by-item comparison written by a somewhat sarcastic man who definitely has had a few failed relationships along the way. Enjoy.

“Reasons It’s Good to be a Woman”

  1. We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

  2. Taxis stop for us.

  3. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

  4. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

  5. We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

  6. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

  7. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

8.    We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

9.   We have the ability to dress ourselves.

10.  We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

11.  If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

12.  We will never regret piercing our ears.

13.  There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

14.  We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren’t listening anyway.

* * *

Am I right?  Does she sound just a little bitter?  No doubt in my mind she has issues she’s not dealing with all that well.  I think it’s time for my contribution to this discussion in a much more rational and male manner.  I’ll address her points one-by-one. 

“Reasons Why It’s Better to Be a Man”

1.    We don’t get and complain about gynecological disorders but if we had to listen to our women explain them, then we’d  probably jump off the Titanic voluntarily.

2.    We have vehicles and require no taxis.

3.    We don’t need to dance to display the goods.  Here they are.

4.    We may wear the occasional Speedo at the beach but we never go to Walmart in a dirty pink sweat suit with Hot & Juicy printed across the ass.

5.    We pass gas which eases our pain and keeps us from becoming as mean and disagreeable than our gas-pained female friends and lovers.

6.    We love to shave, it makes us clean and neat, not hairy and scary like some of the girls.

7.    We have the maturity and passion to show our male friends the “Thrill of Victory” and the “Agony of Defeat” without worrying about what our homophobic female friends think.

8.    We don’t reach down to touch ourselves to make sure our junk is still there.  We do that for those females with a short attention span so they won’t forget where the goods really are.

9.    We dress ourselves in a simple manner because if it’s too complicated our poor female lovers can’t figure a way to remove our clothing.

10.  We talk to the opposite sex because we have the unique ability to accurately picture them naked.

11.  We won’t marry someone 20 years older than us because that would make us look like an idiot.

12.  We will never regret much of anything, EVER.

13.  We carry a supply of chocolates with us at all times to entice the welcoming chocoholic females into a gooey, chocolate, and messy sex romp.

14.  We can say almost anything we want in the presence of women because they’re too busy yakking it up with each other  to hear what we have to say.

15th and Most Important:  WE HAVE CUSTODY OF THE PENIS.  With that in our favor we really own most women except for the occasion Lesbian.  But even they find it necessary at times to make detailed replicas of the penis for their amusement and the amusement of their partners.

MEN RULE

(Sarcasm Off)

11-13-2013 Acronym Answers   1 comment

I made the assumption that most of you would know most of the acronyms used in yesterdays post.  On the side chance that I’m wrong I’ve decided to list each one with their full title in the order as they appeared yesterday. I’m sure there will be a few surprises for you or at least I hope there will.   Here they are.

LOL – Laugh Out Loud
OMG – Oh My God
STAT – An abbreviation of the Latin statim, "Immediately".
ASAP – As Soon As Possible
KISS – Keep It Simple Stupid
UNIVAC – UNIVersal Automatic Computer
NABISCO – NAtional BIScuit COmpany
NECCO – New England Confectionary Company
WYSIWYG – What You See Is What You Get
MS-DOS – MicroSoft – Disk Operating System
DEF-CON – DEFense CONdition
NORAD – NORth American Air Defense Command
ZIP – Zone Improvement Plan
OSHA – Office of Special Housing Assistance
NATO – North Atlantic Treaty Organization
RADAR – RAdio Detection And Ranging
SCUBA – Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus
SCUD – Subsonic Cruise Unarmed Decoy
WAC – Women’s Army Corp
AWOL – Absent With Out Leave
SAC – Strategic Air Command
SEALS – SEa-Air-Land UnitS
SALT – Strategic  Arms Limitation Talks
SNAFU – Situation Normal All Fucked Up
SONAR – SOund Navigation And Ranging
AWACS – Airborne Warning And Control System
TNT – TriNitroToluene  
HUD – Housing and Urban Development
SSN – Social Security Number
DOB – Date Of Birth
GPA – Grade Point Average
NOW – National Organization of Women
UNESCO – United Nations Educational Scientific  and Cultural Org.
UNICEF – UNIted Nations Children’s Emergency Fund
OVER – Over to You
OUT – End Transmission
WILCO – WIll COmply
ER – Emergency Room
ICU – Intensive Care Unit
DNA – Deoxyribo Nucleic Acid
RNA – RiboNucleic Acid
DOA – Date Of Arrival
ETA – Estimated Time of Arrival
EST – Eastern Standard Time
INTERPOL – INTERnational Criminal POLice Organization
NIMBY – Not In My Back Yard
NASA – National Aeronautics and Space Administration
SONAR – SOund Navigation And Ranging
TASER – Tele-Active Shock Electronic Repulsion
LASER – Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation
CANOLA – CANada Oil, Low Acid
TV – TeleVision
DVD – Dissociated Vertical Deviation
DOA – Dead On Arrival
OMFG – Oh My Fucking God

11-12-2013 Acronyms Are Killing Me   2 comments

What possesses we humans with the need to continuously shorten our language.  LOL, OMG, and others were created primarily because of Twitter and other social networks. 140 characters leave very little space for actual coherent thoughts.  I’d like to take you back a few years to when this craziness really got rolling.  STAT and ASAP are two oldies I learned during hospital visits to see my mother at age 10 or 12 and here are a few more. 

The list is endless but this countries businesses are as responsible for many of the more ridiculous acronyms as anyone.  You have  KISS, UNIVAC, NABISCO, NECCO, WYSIWYG, and MS-DOS just to name a few.  Do you know what they all mean?  I’ll just bet you don’t.

Never let it be said that the government didn’t help the cause.  They’re the worst especially in the armed services.  DEFCON, NORAD, ZIP code, OSHA, NATO, RADAR, SCUBA, SCUD, WAC, AWOL, SAC, SEALS, and literally thousands of others. Anyone whose ever had the opportunity to speak to someone who works in the Pentagon needs an accomplished translator who is trained in Gov-Speak.  SALT, SNAFU, SONAR, AWACS, TNT, and the endless list continues.

You could work for HUD but not before they check your SSN, DOB, and GPA.  On your off time you could join NOW, UNESCO, UNICEF, or get bogged down with other WOMBAT stuff.

Take a flight, OVER, OUT,  ROGER, and WILCO.  Get sick and be subjected to an MRI or EKG. You could end up in the ER or ICU for more serious matters.

You can make yourself crazy just trying to keep up with the ever changing acronyms.  I guess this society is in such a hurry to do everything we don’t have time to say any more complete words than necessary. Before you know it we won’t have a language anymore, we’ll just communicate with nothing but acronyms.  That will be a very sad day. George Orwell was a few years behind the times in many of his predictions in 1984 but some still ring true today.

Here are a few more for your edification:  DNA, RNA, DOA, ETA, EST, INTERPOL, NIMBY, NASA, SONAR, TASER, LASER, and even CANOLA oil.  TV, DVD, DOA, and OMFG.  I’ve got to stop this foolishness immediately, it’s making me crazier than usual. I’ll be happy to supply a list tomorrow of the acronyms used in this posting and we’ll see just how many you know or think you know.