Archive for the ‘Useless Crap’ Category
I received this test from a friend recently but wasn’t completely happy with the way it was formatted. I added a number of questions and kept the number of answer choices to just four instead of the five or six in the original version. Do you consider yourself a true “Baby Boomer”? Here’s your chance to prove it. Get a paper and pencil handy to record your answers because if you’re a true “Boomer” you won’t be able to remember them anyway. Here are 25 relatively easy questions which you should be able to answer and which the younger generations may have some difficulty with. And no cheating!
1. What’s the quicker picker-upper?
A. Maxwell House Coffee
B. Bounty paper towels
C. United Airlines
D. None of the above.
2. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstone vitamins
B. Wonder Bread
C. Milk
D. Cod Liver Oil3. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was…
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Rudolph Valentino
C. Fabian
D. Cassius Clay
4. Look ma….. No cavities! A. Pepsodent
A. Pepsodent
B. Crest
C. Ipana
D. Johnson’s Tooth Powder
5. Pogo, the comic strip character said, ‘We have met the enemy and…..
A. It’s you.
B. He is us.
C. He’s really me and you.
D. He surrendered.
6. Good night, David . . .
A. Good night, Chet
B. Good night, Irene
C. Good night, Gracie
D. Good night, Steve
7. You’ll wonder where the yellow went…
A. When you use Tide.
B. When you clean your tub.
C. If you buy a soft water tank.
D. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.
8. Before he was the Skipper’s Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie’s friend…
A. Randy Goodman
B. Steve Reeves…
C. Maynard G. Krebs.
D. Corky B. Dorkus
9. Sometimes you feel like a nut — sometimes you don’t.
A. Snickers
B. Milky Way
C. Almond Joy & Mounds
D. $1000 Dollar Bar
10. Liar, liar…
A. On the wire.
B. Jump up higher.
C. Pants on fire.
D. Join the choir
11. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle
for truth, justice and….
A. Lois Lane.
B. World peace.
C. Red tights.
D. The American way.
12. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It’s time for Yogi Bear
B. It’s Howdy Doody Time
C. It’s time for Romper Room
D. The Mighty Mouse Hour
13. Lions and tigers and bears..! …
A. Oh, no
B. Gee whiz
C. I’m scared
D. Oh my
14. It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature!
A. Old Spice
B. Chiffon Margarine
C. Vitalis Hair Tonic
D. Top Brass
15. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone….
A. Over 40.
B. Wearing a uniform.
C. Over 30.
D. You don’t know.
16. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women’s pantyhose…
A. Kenny Stabler
B. Joe Namath
C. Roger Staubach
D. Steve Young
17. Brylcream…
A. Smear it on.
B. Tame that cowlick.
C. It’s a dream.
D. A little dab’ll do ya.
18. Where’s the beef?
A. Burger King
B. McDonalds
C. Jack in the Box
D. Wendy’s
19. I found my thrill…
A. In Blueberry muffins.
B. Down at the mill.
C. With a man named Bill.
D. On Blueberry Hill.
20. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by…
A. Mary Martin.
B. Doris Day.
C. Errol Flynn.
D. Sally Fields.
21. Name the Beatles…
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
C. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
D. John, Paul, George, Ringo
22. I wonder, wonder, who.
A. Was it you?
B. Who wrote the book of love?
C. Who I am?
D. Really loved you.
23. I’m strong to the finish…
A. Cause I eats my broccoli.
B. Cause I eats me spinach.
C. And don’t you forget it.
D. Cause Olive Oyl loves me.
24. When it’s least expected, you’re elected, you’re the star today.
A. Smile, you’re on Star Search.
B. Smile, we’re watching you.
C. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera.
D. Smile, you’re on TV.
25. What do M & M’s do?
A. Make your tummy happy.
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket..
C. Melt your heart.
D. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
Well, how do you think you did? I’ll post all of the answers in the next day or so and you can check your scores. Not to brag but I answered correct on all but one question on my first try so I’m now an officially verified “Boomer”. Have fun with it.
I’m back in remodeling mode today but honestly my heart isn’t in it just yet. I’m slowly but surely, a little at a time, collecting the materials I need to continue this room rebuild and maybe that will kick start my motivation.
I can tell the holidays are over when I find myself in Lowes looking for dry wall screws, joint tape, and a host of other things. I’m so totally uninterested in doing this job I’m beginning to bore myself. Lowes allows me to people watch a bit and while the people here are interesting I should probably stop at Walmart for the real deal. I’ll just ride through their parking lot which should feed my raging addiction for large numbers of A-holes acting stupidly. Instead I’m on my way for a quick walk through at a wildlife area along the coast. I can trudge through a foot of snow, gather my thoughts, and possibly take a few photos. The fresh air will hopefully do me some good.
Tra La La (This is time passing)
I’m back home with a few dozen photo’s, wet and freezing feet, and a better outlook on the day. I just put in an hour or so of prep work on the room remodel by beginning to reframe the closet to match the one found in the master bedroom. I also decided where I’ll be placing the new electrical outlets on the walls and where the wire runs will go. These are the many little things that need to be accomplished before the lumber and dry wall appears and the real labor begins. I still have a lot of rewiring to accomplish because the idiot who built this place apparently let his three year old do the wiring. The wires are improperly run, the boxes improperly placed, and a total lack of trying to meet any local code requirements. Just a sub-par job from start to finish. Oh no, my lack of interest is again rearing it’s ugly head so I’m packing it in for today.
I find myself totally obsessed with the final Harry Potter novel, the Deadly Hallows, which is almost impossible for me to put down. I won’t be able to finish it tonight but I’m sure to complete the entire story tomorrow. It’s not often I get a book that grabs me the way this one has and it’s nice. Total escapism of which I’m in dire need of right now.
I still need to come up with a few dinner possibilities for us this evening. My lack of interest has just magically expanded to include my food choices and just about everything else. I’ll wait for my better-half to arrive and drop it all in her lap. She likes to be in control of everything and I think I’ll let her. My father would call this crappy attitude my “I don’t give a shit about anything” approach. He never really appreciated it when I was a kid and I’m sure my better-half will feel the same now.
C’mon tomorrow.
Today is one of those dead days after the holidays where everyone is dragging ass with the loss of all that holiday adrenaline. I’ve decided I need to talk about politics for a bit after perusing the monthly observances listed for January.
Today is January 6th and I’ve discovered something earth shattering. The politicians must be losing their edge because not only have they chosen not to observe the 6th as Sherlock Holmes’s birthday which almost but not quite pisses me off, they’ve completely ignored the 6th for any type of recognition. While the 6th of January is included in some of the lame ass weekly observances, it doesn’t have a day of it’s own. How could our narcissistic and self-serving politico’s miss an opportunity like that. There’s a day for damn near everything and a few days that have multiple observances, so what the hell is wrong with the 6th of January?
Maybe it’s time for us to help those poor underpaid politicians do their job in a more proper fashion. How about we have the 6th remembered and observed as, “Take Down the Goddamn Christmas Tree Day” or “National Christmas Gift Refund Day”. Being as fair and balanced as I can possibly be I propose we name the 6th as “Take an Effing Liberal to Work Day”. We could show them off to our conservative friends and pass out a few food stamps as a surprise gifts.
The next time I have lunch with Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid I’ll make that suggestion. They’ve been avoiding me since I refused that threesome offer over our last lunch. They’re so sensitive when sexually rejected it may take a few months for another invite to come my way (no pun intended).
I can’t wait for next year, it’ll take me that long to choose my liberal work buddy. I have a complicated and fun selection process which will make as many liberals as possible as uncomfortable as possible.
So there!
Lest I forget, there’s ten shopping days left until Christmas. I’m sorry but I need a break from all this depressing holiday cheer and greed. Today is the day when we start the really important countdown. It’s seven days until the Mayan seers decided that the world as we know it will end. Can you hear those thunderous foot steps creeping up behind you? I wasn’t taking the threat of total annihilation serious until last night when alleged celebrity, Joel McHale, announced that “The Soup” would be airing their Doomsday special next week. I mean if that doesn’t convince you then all hope for you is lost anyway. I think it’s really all about stealing the thunder from the History channel who has been beating this Doomsday drum for a year to increase their ratings.
I can picture it all now. Hundreds of alien ships shaped vaguely like enormous dildo’s will arrive over the earths cities on December 21. Out of these craft will march armies of aliens who look surprisingly like a mean and disgusting caricature of Danny Devito. Years ago I was reading a book on the Mayan religion and it struck me at the time how much the god “Cizin, "The Stinking One", looked like Devito. He was the god of earthquakes, suicides, human sacrifice, and was often depicted on pottery in the form of a dancing skeleton, holding a smoking cigarette.
So let me review our dire situation:
1. A few thousand Mayan primitives predict the end of days on December 21, 2012. They immediately run out and have a smoke and then sacrifice a few thousand of their citizens to celebrate their predictions.
2. Centuries later two American cable TV networks begin promoting this cataclysm for better ratings, then sneak outside for a smoke.
3. Then a few major TV networks begin discussing “The End” in a somewhat serious manner, then sneak into the restrooms for a cigarette.
4. Then millions of idiots around the globe take up the chant, Doom. . . Doom . . . Doom . . . Doom. You know, it’s only a matter of time before some of these loonies begin removing themselves the planet just after having one last smoke.
Is it just me or have we all missed the connection tying all of these events together. Cizin, the cigarette smoking god, has passed that filthy habit down through the ages with the eventual intent to end our existence once he’s returned and saved all of the surviving smokers from death and destruction.
The “non-smoking” interest groups had it partially right all along. Smoking would be the death of us all. First-hand smoke, second-hand smoke, tars, nicotine and a few million Danny Devito’s . . . Oh the horror!
I’m desperately trying to make light of this Doomsday crap which continues to be repeated and actually scares the bejesus out of some of the population. Young kids are especially effected by anything they see on TV as being the absolute truth. They need someone to tell them this is bullshit. And you’re very welcome. You also have way too many fringe-group holy-rollers out there who can’t wait for the end to come and I hope it does for them. I don’t like fanatics of any kind because extremists scare the crap out of me and history will back me up on that. Here are my helpful tips for December 21, 2012.
1. Stop smoking!
2. Stop listening to the the media in an attempt to find the truth.
3. Read more about the primitive, human sacrificing idiot Mayans, to learn the truth about them. They were so smart they couldn’t find a way to survive as a civilization. They were effing geniuses, right?
One last thing before I go. I have a extremely hard time taking seriously any organized religion but any religion that has one of their gods puffing on a cigarette has no credibility. I’ve got to go now, I’m making reservations for dinner and a night out on December 22 with my better-half. It’s the “I Survived Another Apocalypse” celebration and there could be free T-shirts too!
I think today will be designated as “OMG I’m So Effing Bored Day”. I have an industrial strength case of the blah’s and a total lack of interest in just about everything. Since this blog has been officially christened “Every Useless Thing”, I should build on that. There are times when mind-numbing bullshit is necessary to help clear away the cob webs, to give me the ability to turn off the freaking cell phone, to stay at home away from the world, and chill.
Did you know that:
“PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS”
is the longest technical word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary. It is a type of lung disease. If that little tidbit of BS doesn’t set off your snooze alarm then there’s something wrong and you need to seek professional help.
Try this one:
Showers account for 32% of home water usage.
Someone who feels much as I do today took time out of his boring ass life to do that research. Are you properly impressed, I doubt it.
Here’s another:
People who collect Teddy Bears are archtophilists.
Or this:
In ballet, a male dancer is called a danseur.
That’s real shocking piece of useless trivia. What the hell else would they be called. Are you snoring yet? Give me a few more minutes. Try this one on for size:
The small intestine is longer than the large intestine.
It only gets worse from here:
When humans are at rest, 15% of their blood is in their brains.
The lesson learned from that fact is that no matter what men tell you, this is the truth of things. Let’s continue.
Sexual intercourse between chimpanzees lasts, on average, 3 seconds.
And you ladies out there thought your high school boyfriends were bad. It just goes to show the dumber you are the quicker you succumb. I could continue on like this for hours but as I said earlier I’m effing bored today so I’ll do one more then stop.
In the State of Arizona it’s illegal to keep more than 2 dildo’s in your house.
Reason number 355 why you don’t ever want to live there. Well, this has been a barrel of laughs but I’m done. Tomorrow’s is definitely another day.
I’ve always been an avid TV watcher from a very early age. I come by it honestly since I was one of that first generation to be introduced to it at birth. I’ve always watched a lot of programming but there’s a recent trend that disturbs and annoys me. I’ve read Bram Stoker’s Dracula many times and giving credit where credit is due, it was a scary and harmless story for any young kid to read. When Bela Lugosi made the movie, it scared the shit out of an entire generation. As always it faded into history and we moved on. To me this obsession with vampires, werewolves, and zombies is odd. I’ve read the classics like The Wolfman and seen Romero’s Dawn of the Living Dead when it actually premiered. It was a big deal at the time only because it was filmed in the Monroeville Mall in Monroeville, Pennsylvania, a twenty minute ride from my home. We all went to see the movie but as most other movies it scared the crap out of us and then faded into history and we moved on.
The people who are salivating over Twilight are an enigma to me. I understand erotic fantasies and how real they can become but c’mon. Turning what once was a horrific movie and book anti-hero into everyone’s new love interest makes no sense to me. We now have blood drinking vampire cults, bars where full costume is required, and the movement continues to grow. Zombie this and zombie that is giving me an effing headache. Are things in this society so badly screwed up that escaping into the world of vampirism and zombies is the only way to go? Thanks but no thanks.
Turning vampirism and blood sucking into an erotic sexual fantasy is beyond ridiculous. The TV networks being true “blood suckers” in their own right have discovered “there’s gold in them thar vampires”, and are making millions by filling the air waves and movie theatre’s with more blood drinking heroes and heroines. Even reality shows like “Sons of Gun’s” just had to have an episode where they created a weapon for zombie killing. That episode took me from being a casual viewer of the show to a future no-show.
One of my all time favorite horror movies has always been Young Frankenstein. I’d much rather have a huge belly laugh at the theatre and then go home to a warm bed and the woman I love instead of fantasizing sexually over ridiculous story lines and even more ridiculous characters. To those of you who read this and get angry, save your breath, and then move on.
I mentioned about a week ago that I was reasonably sure that the History Channel would begin the “Dooms Day” drumbeat once the election was over. I hate to say “I told you so” but “I told you so”. They’ve been playing the same old programs about the Mayan predictions and for the millionth time we also are getting hammered with tales of Nostradamus. Apparently the “Doomsday” flu has also begun to infect someone in my household as well when my back was turned and I wasn’t paying the proper attention.
Certain mornings are a special time for me when sleeping-in is permitted, no telephone calls are taken, and snuggling with my honey is looked forward to. Until this morning that is. I was warm and toasty and in that place between sleep and awake where weird dreams and odd thoughts make their appearances. It’s a place I look forward to visiting often and many good ideas and projects have been started there. My better-half was tossing and turning and she then slowly rolled over, looked me in the eye, and stated clearly “Do you think we’re survivalists?”. I was dumb-founded but immediately answered “No”. She then asked if I thought we had enough guns and ammunition to get us through the trouble that was coming. Again I said “No”. Too weird! It seems that some of my better-half’s family have been whispering “Doomsday” craziness to her and she’s been somewhat infected. I assured her that Doomsday prophesies aren’t uncommon and that I could easily remember at least five from recent years alone.
Pat Robertson, 1982 – In May 1980, televangelist and Christian Coalition founder startled and alarmed many when he informed his “700 Club” TV show audience around the world that he knew when the world would end.
Heaven’s Gate, 1997 – When comet Hale-Bopp appeared in 1997, rumors surfaced that an alien spacecraft was following the comet — covered up, of course, by NASA and the astronomical community. Though the claim was refuted by astronomers (and could be refuted by anyone with a good telescope), the rumors were publicized on Art Bell’s paranormal radio talk show “Coast to Coast AM.” These claims inspired a San Diego UFO cult named Heaven’s Gate to conclude that the world would end soon. The world did indeed end for 39 of the cult members, who committed suicide on March 26, 1997.
Nostradamus, August 1999 – The heavily obfuscated and metaphorical writings of Michel de Nostrdame have intrigued people for over 400 years: “The year 1999, seventh month / From the sky will come great king of terror.”
God’s Church Ministry, Fall 2008 – According to God’s Church minister Ronald Weinland, the end times are upon us– again. His 2006 book “2008: God’s Final Witness” states that hundreds of millions of people will die, and by the end of 2006, “there will be a maximum time of two years remaining before the world will be plunged into the worst time of all human history.
The Mayans, 12/21/2012 – A few thousand, human sacrificing, savages decided long ago that the earth would end this December. It’s amazing how many reasonably intelligent people eat this nonsense up. I’m certainly not getting all excited by the ravings of a bunch of primitive Indians who weren’t smart enough to keep their own civilization from disappearing.
I hope I’ve succeeded in convincing her and anyone reading this that Dooms Day nonsense has been around for centuries and panicked millions of people for no good reason. Why do certain arrogant humans believe that for whatever reason they’ve been given all the answers by God and he apparently just “needed to tell someone”. Crap piled on crap, and covered with more crap.
A few cups of coffee, an hour on the computer, and then back to the serious work of remodeling our spare room. I’m in the process of combining our master bedroom with an adjacent unused room and I’ve pretty much gutted the room to include removal of all the drywall from the walls and ceiling. I’ve pulled up and removed the carpeting and pads and removed the old electrical outlets and switches. Thank god it’s not a huge room but its still a lot of work and preparation.
Today I’m beginning to rewire some of the outlets and taking measurements for the laminate flooring. Small but important steps in the process. Next week Ill be reframing the closet and deciding how much of the wall to remove to make the new opening into our bedroom. Good old Lowe’s delivered the new drywall and studs last week and I’m almost ready to get serious about this project. I’m tempted to just call a contractor but my better half insists I do some of the heavy lifting. She’s just so frugal at times it makes me crazy.
I stayed up a little too late last night reading book number one of the Harry Potter series. I was surprised how closely the movie followed the story line but there were a few things in it that were edited out of the movie. Hagrid in the movie came across much differently than in the book. He was a big loveable hulk in the movie but was portrayed as something of a loser in the book. It’s those subtle little things that allows books to remain true to the authors original story. Hollywood has a way of editing stories in a lot of little ways that can sometimes change the entire story. I’ll stick to my books thank you very much. Unfortunately I got so caught up in the story I lost track of time and the next thing I know it was one o’clock. Obviously I need all the beauty sleep I can get so off to bed I went.
As I walked into the bathroom this morning the mirror was very unkind to me. I looked like “forty mile of bad road” and felt just about that good. I’m still tired as hell but I’m up and finally motivating.
My better-half is working today and has meetings scheduled well into the late afternoon. I can finish my tasks and still have time for a hour or two with my camera along the coast somewhere north of here.
Back to work. No more procrastinating
Are you as sick as I am with all this political nonsense? I decided to get out of the house for a few hours with my better-half to take a short hike through the woods, in a non-hunting area of course, to just enjoy the clean air and the sunny day. The area where we wanted to walk is approximately seven miles from our home and we took the round-about-way of getting there.
I decided just for the hell of it to count all of those annoying political signs that seem to pop up at every intersection and clutter the landscape during every election cycle. I stopped counting at three hundred but it was easily twice that.
I realize there are some rather loosely enforced rules about where those signs can be placed and how many can be placed there but that’s not really my point. It’s just another way for politicians of both parties to irritate the hell out of people. It’s bad enough that we have to listen to a barrage of advertisements on television but now they’re calling on my cell phone. I’m sure I’m not the only person in this country whose made an attempt to contact every no-contact list imaginable to stop these annoying intrusions. Whatever rules they’ve set up for this kind of political crap just aren’t being enforced. Why am I acting so surprised? Everyone knows the rules don’t apply to the political elites.
I’m not a big fan of things political and I’ve lost a great deal of respect for many of the people who insist on living that lifestyle. I can respect a blue-collar worker much more than a smooth talking, word parsing, political hack. These feelings aren’t restricted to any specific political party because the differences between the two have become so blurred in the last few years it’s all the same damn thing. I know it doesn’t do much good to bitch and complain but it certainly makes me feel a little better.
As I mentioned in an earlier posting this week, I was able to make a little progress on that sculpture I been working on. It felt good to zone out for a few hours and concentrate on something interesting instead of the normal everyday humdrum nonsense. It still won’t be ready for Christmas but at least I’m back working at it. I love working with unusual materials and this project has taken it further than I normally go. Trying to create or re-create a woman’s hairdo out of white caulking compound has been a true challenge. I know exactly how I wanted it done and how I wanted it to look but getting there has become quite a challenge. I’ll keep slaving away and hopefully see an end to this project sometime after the holidays. Maybe I’ll be forced to make it a Valentine’s Day gift.
I did little shopping earlier today at a local store that sells used CDs, books, and video games. I love reading and I’ve been wanting for the longest time to eventually read the entire Harry Potter book series. I got extremely lucky and was able to purchase the first six books of that series at a reasonable price. Hopefully I’ll be able to finish the book I’m currently reading and be able to get into the first book of Harry Potter sometime this evening. The books are always better than the movies, at least in my experience.
Did you ever have one of those days where no matter what you tried to do, it just had no pizazz. That’s today for me unfortunately. It’s gray, dreary, and just cold enough to force me into wearing my winter apparel. Then I walk outside, take about twenty steps and all of a sudden I’ve sweated through my shirt. Then off comes the jacket and once again I’m freezing my ass off. It’s simply a no win situation with the cold or flu lurking in my near future. My decision is to be as lazy as possible and not work up a sweat of any kind.
I love the fall but it does have certain drawbacks. They are called LEAVES. I love Mother Nature and I love living in a rural wooded area but OMG the effing leaves. For years I’ve raked those bastard leaves into piles large enough to hide my car behind. Then I get to rake them again onto a huge tarp and attempt to drag them into the nearby woods. Saying that raking leaves sucks just doesn’t cover it.
A few years ago I lived in an area where burning leaves wasn’t permitted and most people were required to bag them and set them at the curb. If I did that now it would cost me a freaking fortune for bags and a week to fill them and stack them along the road. The town would be obliged to bring their entire fleet of trucks to cart them away and then later try in their slick governmental way to make me pay a fee. It’s just one of the few things governments do really well. They love to interfere with your life whenever possible and then work extremely hard to take money from you.
I decided this year I would win the battle with Mother Nature by becoming mechanized. I made the grand purchase of a riding mower with a grass collector figuring it would also be a great leaf cleaner-upper. Wrong again. It turned out to be a hugely expensive, red, leaf blower. For every leaf it sucked up, it threw three hundred into the air where Mother Nature could redistribute them around the yard. After my fourth pass, becoming more pissed off with each pass, I parked that mother and went inside for a cup of coffee.
After a half hour of quiet meditation to lower my blood pressure, I had another cup of my terrible coffee, and also an epiphany. A leaf solution came to me out of the blue and as always it was perfectly simple. All I had to do was pray for a week of high winds and rain storms that would blow most of the leaves into my neighbors yard. Any that were left after that would be allowed to stay right where they are until Spring. Problem solved!
So I’m off to visit my better-half who is happily slaving away for “The Man”. I think I can convince her in my charming way to eat some Chinese food for lunch and if I’m lucky she’ll get to pay the tab too. Things are looking up and screw the freaking leaves.
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