I was just sitting here trying to decide what I should post today when I received an email from my nephew in Dallas. He’s lived there long enough to be called a real Texan and he’s proud of it as most Texans are. I’m passing the contents of his email along for all of you to read. It’s humorous to the Nth degree but the underlying message is something I also feel strongly about.
I only wish I could be the guy who picks the contestants for this Texas version of Survivor. I have at least ten possible candidates that truly deserve to to be put to this test. I won’t name them but I’ll bet anything you can figure most of them out on your own. Please let this happen.
Survivor — Texas Style
Due to the popularity of "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor – Texas-Style!" The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed through Mission, up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth and Finally back to Dallas.
Each contestant will be required to drive a pink Prius covered with the following 15 bumper stickers
"I’m A Democrat"
"Amnesty For Illegals"
"I Love The Dixie Chicks"
"Boycott Beef"
"I Voted For Obama"
" George Strait Sucks"
"Re-elect Obama In 2016"
"Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
"Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born"
"I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer"
"Barney Frank Is My Hero"
"I Side With Jane Fonda"
"It’s Bush’s Fault"
“Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion”
and the last sticker will read:
"I’m Here To Confiscate Your Guns"
The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins. What more can I say except "Remember the Alamo and the Constitution".
Are you a real movie fan? Do you prefer old movies or do you wait patiently for the new ones to arrive. For most of my life I was an occasional movie watcher but it was never something all that important to me. I never went out of my way to spend money or my time in searching out movies to watch. It wasn’t until cable TV came into it’s own with the Turner Classic Movie Network that I discovered how much I’d missed and in more cases what I was glad I missed.
What I did discover was that going to movie theaters and paying the big prices was no longer all that necessary. One of my pet peeves has always been people who refuse to shut up while in a movie theater. On many occasions I found myself exchanging rather harsh words with a few of those ignorant individuals who obviously had no respect for other moviegoers. The result of those incidents have kept me from almost all movie theaters ever since. The up-side to that is I’m able to watch many more movies than I normally would have in the privacy of my home without any annoying interruptions. For me it’s worth waiting a few extra months until a movie goes to DVD where I can then watch it at home and truly enjoy it.
We’ve all had those times watching movies where we’ve been touched by a scene that was so well done and meaningful that we’ll remember it forever. In recent years I’ve become much more of a movie aficionado that I ever thought I could. There are thousands of movies available from all genres but unfortunately only a small percentage are worth seeing more than once. With all of the TV channels and other resources the number of movies readily available for viewing is almost unlimited.
I’ve also discovered that certain movies have stuck with me in a more permanent way. There are a certain few movies that I can sit and watch over and over again and enjoy them just as much as the first time I saw them. These special movies are few in number and from different genres and aren’t dependent on any specific actor or actress. If I see one of them listed or I chance upon one accidentally, any other programs are immediately forgotten and I begin watching it again. It’s like spending time with an old friend. Here’s my top ten list in no particular order of importance.
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Ben-Hur
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Young Frankenstein
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Avatar
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The Shootist
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Under Siege
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Notting Hill
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Star Wars (The First Movie)
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The Shooter
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Robin Hood (With Errol Flynn)
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Star Trek – The Voyage Home
There appears to be no rhyme or reason for that list and no other common denominators I can find. I own many of them on DVD and have been known to sneak away if I have an hour or two of quiet time to just sit and enjoy. I appreciate them more each year because they help me forget the hundreds and hundreds of really bad movies that the cable stations continue to play over and over again.
Stick me on a desert island with my 100 favorite books and these movies and you’ll never see my fat ass again.
I’ve mentioned in the past that my better-half works for Lowes Home Improvement. She’s worked there for a number of years and is what I would consider an honest and loyal employee. That being said she then becomes a huge target for my sarcastic wit. I worked in big box retail for a lot of years myself so I know exactly which of her buttons to push to make her a little crazy. I’m dedicating this posting to her and all of the other loyal slaves at Lowes.
I’ll be supplying her with a number of copies of this that she can distribute amongst her cashiers and service desk employees. After all knowing your customers is the best way to develop those in-demand customer service skills. Read and learn girls!
* * *
You’re in the middle of a few spring projects: putting in a new fence, yard cleanup, putting in a new garden. You’re hot and sweaty, covered in dirt, lawn clippings, and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit — shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with numerous unknown stains on it, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Lowes for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20s: Stop what you’re doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.
In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married a hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don’t waste any of it on a trip to Lowes. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking-in than flexing.
In your 50s:
Stop what your doing, put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog crap in your new car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Lowes until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. You don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Lowes. You go to Wal-Mart by mistake. You went to school with the old lady greeter.
In your 90s & beyond:
Something for my garden? Where am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
* * *
My mission for today has been accomplished. As always, you’re welcome.
Does anyone reading this blog think I’m an MTV lover? Up until recently you would have been right if you said no. That was before I discovered a show which made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself. It’s called "The Girl Code" and I’ve kinda-sorta made it a part of my permanent watch list. The show introduces a group of really attractive young women who appear to be into clubbing, carousing, and enjoying the life of a typical woman in her twenties. They are offering their insights and rules into dating behavior that is so damn funny (and probably true) I just couldn’t stop watching and laughing.
I was quietly surfing through the TV channels one morning just minding my own business when I happened upon a really beautiful young woman. She was in the process of reciting one of the Girl Code Rules that I was totally unfamiliar with. It was and I quote, "Plop, flush, and get out." It concerned Ladies Room etiquette that we men haven’t been made privy to until now. Their list of rules appears endless and merciless to themselves, their friends, and their potential boyfriend candidates. Here’s a little more random information I’m supposed to believe are rules being followed by the young dating females in this country. I must admit I’m a bit skeptical and intimidated.
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The number one rule is the MOST IMPORTANT ONE OF ALL. No girl may date her friend’s; exes, past crushes, guys who have humiliated/used her and guys she currently fancies. Acceptation’s to the rule: a) Your friend has given you permission/ couldn’t care less.
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If you change boyfriends so fast they rarely achieve name status, a man must be around for at least six weeks before you make your friends bother to learn his first name. Until such time, he should be referred to as "The boy" or "That guy".
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All girls must have a "Mr.Right Now". This is the guy friend who is always ready and available to hang out with you, and may or may not like you as more than a friend. He is always ready to party till dawn, and do things you wish you didn’t remember in the morning. He’s not “Mr. Right,” but he may be good enough to be “Mr. Right Now.”
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If you just met a guy and know absolutely nothing about him, but need to refer to him during ‘girl talk’ you use one example of who he is, something he has, or what he does, and he becomes… that guy. (Ex. "The Camaro guy", "The Trainer dude", "The Four a.m. in the Taxi Guy")
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Every girl must wait at least a day and a half before calling a guy whose number she has retrieved.
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You are never in any case to date a friends ex or a guy who she was really into. Exception: If he’s one of those guys who every girl likes.
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A girl has a right to lie in order to keep a secret told to her by her best friend.
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It is fine to act like a BFF with someone and still think they’re weird, annoying, sluts, etc. behind their back but only if you talk about it with your REAL best friend.
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Trying to hard to be friends with someone or some people makes you look annoying and stupid. Everyone will talk about you. And nobody will actually like you. DONT TRY TOO HARD.
I’m certainly glad my days of dating are over. If you’re a guy these days it’s kinda like walking through a minefield in your bare feet. If I stumble upon anymore of these unknown female rules and requirements I’ll be sure to pass them along immediately. The more information we males can collect and share can only help us in our eternal quest for recreational sex. My best advice is to tune in to MTV and catch a few episodes of Girl Rules. You may learn a thing or two but even if you don’t the girls are attractive and their rules are hysterical.
I’m lying here this morning and cursing the fact that Spring has apparently sprung. These last few days of beautiful weather must have effected by mind and made me even more stupid than people say I am. I’ve been completely caught up in the Spring Fever craziness and I’m paying the price for it today.
Yesterday was my first full day dedicated totally to yard work and garden preparations. I dearly love gardening but I made a rookie mistake and allowed myself to forget about the basics of working outside. Full sunshine should never be ignored or forgotten, EVER. I started my day by pulling out the rototiller and spent an hour turning over the soil in the garden to loosen it up before planting. Then getting even more stupid I continued working by placing black landscape fabric over the garden frames and attaching it to the ground with large metal staples. This fabric is cool because it eliminates weeding but still allows the rain water to soak through. The sun was very hot but I was in the gardening zone, unfortunately.
I was still pumped about the day so I decided after finishing the fabric installation to fire up my riding mower and do a quick yard cleanup. Now I’ve been in the sun without any lotion or hat for some four hours. I was still feeling good so I kept on going by cutting the grass for the first time this year.
If you look up the word stupid in the dictionary you just might find my photograph there. I am the poster boy for stupid as reflected in my cherry red head, nose, cheeks, ears, and lips. I took a shower before going to bed and I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t hear all the screaming. I am an effing moron who looks like a French Fry. I slopped at least a pint of lotion on my face and head hoping that it would help but it didn’t. I probably won’t be able to shave in the morning or even smile.
After all of that I still had a great day. Having been sick for the previous week really put me behind schedule on the garden work and unfortunately Mother Nature waits for no man. Now I’m fully up to speed and back on schedule. As soon as my face stops glowing I’ll be right back out there playing in the dirt and enjoying as much of the warm weather as I can.
I’d like to continue this posting but a cold shower and another bottle of lotion await.
It’s May Day at last with the dreariness of winter slowly fading into memory. It’s time to celebrate the Spring and the rebirth it offers. How’s that for a huge load of manure? If you’ve had enough of that kind of talk then sit back and enjoy this discussion about sex.
I’ve known a few women over the years who are impossible to forget. I’ve had gay female friends, prudish female friends, and even promiscuous female friends but there’s one in particular I remember the best. I haven’t seen her for more than ten years but the memory of her still lingers.
I’ve been called an obsessive person by more than a few people. It’s doubly strange that I have such a hard time dealing with other obsessives. That was the case with this women who was obsessed with oral sex and took her obsession quite seriously. I’d pull into a drive-thru and she’d be on me like a lioness on a wildebeest. She loved shocking people which on many occasions included me. I was always at risk for that sort of surprise and eventually I was afraid to take her out in public. I know most of the men reading this are probably wondering if I’d lost my mind. Maybe I did for a while. I’m not complaining about the sex because it was great but the circumstances under which it occurred could be off-putting. I’m no exhibitionist and having an audience would never be my first choice. We eventually went our separate ways with a full range of mixed emotions on my part.
The following list was sent to me from her a number of years ago and made me smile. She’s apparently is still alive and well and living her dream. I considered editing the content but what would be the point. Here it is.
Blow Job Rules from Women
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to Rule #1 – If you get one, be grateful.
3. No, I DON’T have to swallow.
4. My ears are NOT handles.
5. Having my period does not mean that it’s “HUMMER WEEK.” Get it through your head…I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because you can’t have sex right now.
6. “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls; if you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
7. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
8. If you like how I do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of my talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that I’m good at it.
9. No, I don’t care about the protein content.
10. No, I will not do it while you watch TV.
11. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
12. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.
* * *
She was never too shy back in the day and it appears she hasn’t changed a lick (no pun intended).
I had a hour of free time today so I decided to take a trip down memory lane. My better-half has gotten it into her head to do a little redecorating of the house. She’s started using one of my own favorite terms against me, "think outside the box." I’ve been trying for years to convince her to leave her comfort zone and use her creative abilities and now I’m afraid I may have created a monster.
For years I’ve gone through creative periods myself and produced art works that are considered unusual by some and well "outside the box" to others. Many of those pieces were discarded as I moved from place to place over the years and I regret that. Fortunately, many others I did save and have been moving them around with me for decades.
After I moved into this house I laid claim to a very small and unused room where I now store many of these pieces. My better-half has requested that I look through the room for anything interesting she could use in her redecorating efforts. I began today by slowing pulling out each piece to determine condition and suitability. It was like a really weird trip down memory lane. As I looked at each piece the exact memories of when it was made come rushing back. I was able to remember people and places I thought I’d forgotten. I was very surprised just how quickly and vividly those memories came rushing back. I guess it’s my own version of a poor man’s time travel machine. It appears to be true that the brain keeps all of our experiences stored away in it’s attic awaiting retrieval.
One of my most involved projects took me years to complete. It was a series of twenty collages varying in size from a few inches to four feet in length. These collages contain tidbits of my life that I began saving when I enlisted in the Army. They contain bits and pieces of my life collected over many years with photos of old friends, , family, love letters, newspaper articles, mementos, and just about anything else you can think of. The entire project was called " My Life Panels".
I spent almost all of my time yesterday just sitting and reading these panels, seeing forgotten old friends, and remembering details of my rather interesting life. I’ll have to continue this process at a later time because today I’ve become totally distracted. It might be easier and go a little quicker if I have my better-half involved. She’s always had the ability to keep me from becoming too sidetracked.
I can look back now and thank myself for a job well done. I truthfully never expected the day to come when I’d be using the panels in this way. I think I did good.
I must be losing my touch. As I’ve always made clear to one and all, I hate shopping. I also realize that a certain amount of it must take place whether I like it or not. I’ve slowly developed over the years into a standard male shopper as described on many occasions by women. First I determine what I need, then I look at the cost, then I travel to where it’s available, and then purchase it. Not much fooling around or standing in the aisles trying to decide about the color, size, and price. I do that before I get there, buy the thing, and get the hell out of there.
Many men have been criticized many times for this kind of shopping by our female counterparts. They seem to think that any way but their way was somehow incorrect. It’s useless to argue with them because as well as being the all-time best shoppers, they’re also always right about everything. It’s a heavy burden to bear but they manage to pull it off perfectly. Just ask any women and she’ll explain it to you in great, great detail.
I have been searching for a certain product for what seems like forever and I’m at my wits end. I’ve searched on-line and found dozens of the item but at a cost that is ridiculous once the shipping and handling charges are added in. Once on-line shopping was eliminated as a possibility I proceeded to find a local vendor for what I hoped would be a cheaper price. I’ve talked to a number of them so far with no luck. I thought by buying local I could eliminate the shipping expenses and still get a decent price. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
All I’m looking for is an simple 18 inch glass circle at least one quarter inch thick. I guess the simpler an item is the more difficult it can be to find. That makes no sense to me but it appears to be the reality of my situation. With each negative result I’m slowly being pushed into considering a method of shopping I’m not all that comfortable with, flea markets and yard sales.
For more than a few years I’ve been included in my better-half’s shopping forays into hundreds of garages and homes in southern Maine as she digs through the cast off items of their owners. I’ve always been a little put off by that but she seems to thrive on it. To me it’s like shopping at a Goodwill retail store. I have serious issues with shopping anywhere where a lot of my own things may be for sale. It’s just creepy.
I visited a few of the big box stores today with no luck. They’ll sell you a square piece of glass in a second but ask for a round piece and it’s like the end of the world. They get that stupid look on their faces and begin their song and dance on why they don’t have them available. I also visited a number of other retailers and again had no luck. My last resort was a local glass company who advertises every kind of glass known to man and they’ll cut it to order. On-line I would have been charged approximately $25.00 for the item and an additional $23.00 to ship it. This local retailer offered me what he considers to be his best deal. I can have my simple piece of 18 inch glass for a mere pittance, $51.00.
I have that nagging suspicion in the back of my mind that I’m being manipulated. The bottom line for me is this. I’m not paying fifty bucks for an eighteen inch piece of glass regardless of the seller. I didn’t think it could happen but I’m left without a solution to my problem. My better-half must be subconsciously laughing her ass off because she already knows I’ll be requesting her help in finding this thing. I see thousands of other people’s things in other people’s garages that I’ll be forced to paw through in my search for this piece of glass.
Ugh!
I think I’ve survived my bout with the flu and it appears the worst is over. My ribs are still killing me from all the coughing but that will pass in a few days. What I need most right now is to get up and out of the house to enjoy the beautiful weather that’s expected for the next few days. The good weather and a little yard work will be just the thing to get me moving again in the right direction. It’s time to change clothes and begin my Spring in a proper fashion.
My better-half is already out and about and doing her gardening thing and she’s awaiting my arrival. The herb garden is in grim shape so that’s where I’ll start. It appears that due to the heavy snow cover this winter most of the plants survived and are beginning to poke through the ground already. I’ll just need to replant the basil and parsley which are annuals and a couple of thymes that didn’t make it. That to me is a good winter result. In almost every winter since moving to Maine I’ve found it necessary to replace on average of eight to ten plants.
The neighbor’s outdoor cat should be really happy too. The catnip is already two inches high and there are a bunch of tiny little footprints already in the area from his nightly visits. That dumb cat loves getting stoned on that catnip.
I’ve just about given up on growing thyme and I’m really tired of replanting and replanting with nothing to show for it. We use a lot of herbs in our cooking which requires harvesting and drying them each Fall for storage. I try to harvest only thirty percent of any plant because any more than that will kill them. The thyme seems to be so delicate that if I harvest any of the plant at all it doesn’t survive the winter. I could try a large number of plants and take just a little from each but we don’t use enough thyme in our dishes to justify that.
It’s noon already and I’ve cleaned at least eight bushels of dead plant material from the garden. Things are looking good here but we have a few more things that require our attention as well. My better-half loves lilac plants so last year I purchased her two as a birthday gift and we planted them along the side of the house. They made it through the winter and appear very healthy. Unfortunately the amount of sun they get in that location could be better. After some discussion yesterday we’ve decided they need to be transplanted elsewhere.
My better-half spent her morning creating a new flower bed in front of the house that receives more than eight hours of full sun each day. We just finished transplanting the lilacs to their new home and I expect them to easily double in size by the end of the summer. Once they start blooming that wonderful scent will make sitting on the deck a lot more enjoyable.
We just finished cleaning up the remainder of the debris from the backyard. It’s surrounded on three sides by woods and believe it or not trees make one hell of a mess. More goodies for the compost pile which is beginning to look more like a compost mountain. Thank God I use a lot of it each Fall to re-energize the gardens but it really does pile up quickly.
It’s early in the year but all of my better-half’s efforts from last summer are beginning to pay off. She has daffodils, tulips, and many others flowers already in bloom and the front of the house looks fantastic. It’s time for us both to put the tools away and call it a day. These kind of days are always hard work but it’s well worth it. It’s always been a great way for us both to clear our heads, forget about all of the everyday nonsense, and just dig in the dirt for a while. It’s a great stress reliever and way cheaper than therapy.
In my effort to maintain some sort of handle on our modern day culture I spend a portion of my time exploring the odd and weird corners of this wonderful tool called the Internet. You’ll notice that nowhere in that last sentence was the word FUN mentioned. The reason being that most of the time there is no fun involved.
I may have made a few mentions in the past concerning women, their foibles and humorous approaches to life in general. Sometimes they are interesting and sometimes not so much. Today it’s time to even things up a little and give some men the boot in the ass they seem to deserve.
I landed on a web site recently called askmen.com where a list of the Top 99 Women of 2013 had been created and posted. I’m not sure how you determine the 99 Top Women for 2013 when it’s only April. I guess if you’re a women who does something really great or interesting in the last eight months of this year, you don’t count. The site is a little unclear who was responsible for making this list or the requirements needed to be named. Is it the prettiest, the sexiest, the smartest, the biggest boobs, the nicest ass, or what? I still don’t know.
Being the curious person that I am I began at the bottom of the list with Berenice Marlohe. Who the hell is that you ask, why it’s the newest James Bond girl. My first thought was “So What!” Then to Kim Kardashian, who needs no introduction to her stupid and ignorant fans in this country. Next I find Kate Moss, the former drug using model who now gets naked so she can appear with Rihanna in the magazine "V".
Let’s recap so far. One untested actress, one money hungry TV slut, and one second rate model forced to show her goods as a backdrop to Rihanna. That tells me immediately this is not the list of possible women role models for our younger generations nor is it the list of women who’ve made any noticeable contributions to our society. It’s the list of what some unknown list-maker has decided are the most sexy and easiest babes to look at. I might be forced to question this list-maker’s qualifications because in my opinion he doesn’t have a clue. I don’t want to get into a rant on this subject just yet so let’s check out a few more of their so called candidates for fame and fortune.
Next is Paula Gretsky, daughter of Wayne. Fresh from her bikini shoot at Maxim magazine. Then comes Raquel Diaz aka Rocsi, a BET video show hostess, and then Jenna Marbles, a former YouTube sensation, who put out a half-assed video that happened to go viral. WTF is going on? I should tell you now that Jennifer Lawrence was the number one selection for 2013 and that Charlize Theron came in at number 97. This list-maker is either blind, stupid, or fifteen years old. Does that make any kind of sense to you at all? It doesn’t for me.
I’ve always gone out of my way to defend my gender but it’s times like this I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. This web site should be avoided at all costs and I won’t be providing a link to it here. These so-called lists created from their so-called readership seem to me to be bogus. It’s just a cheap and lame attempt to drive the hit rate of their site with as many hot female bodies as they can find. It’s the same scheme used by Sports Illustrated every year with their Swimsuit Edition. Hey guys, it’s already been done to death so please stop. As a man I’m a little embarrassed by the whole thing and so should all of you.
everyuselessthing.com 