After today I came to truly understand why I’d never have made a very good farmer. It’s one of the hardest working careers someone could possibly pursue. I was advised by my nursery owning friend that the final fear of frost had finally passed and now I’m free to begin planting my garden. I’ve been waiting patiently for this day for weeks which should explain just how stupid I can be.
While my garden is not a full fledged farm, it still requires a great deal of work and attention to be successful. My preparations for this summers garden started last Fall when I composted the entire garden. It’s continued until today with making the decisions on what will be grown, how much to plant, where to plant, and when to plant. I purchased the majority of the plants early but it was too cold to plant them. I’ve had them stored in a cold frame for almost two weeks until the fear of frost had passed.
I started my day today by planting kale, spinach, beets, kohlrabi, and a selection of new herbs. For the second year I’ve been forced to replace a number of herb plants that didn’t survive the winter. It’s frustrating as hell but it’s something I’ve learned to live with. I added thyme, lime basil, dill, cilantro, rosemary, and curry to the already existing plants. The herb garden is now complete for this year and I hope I can harvest enough this Fall to get us through next winter.
After having a quick lunch I began planting the remaining plants I’ve been nursing along for all these weeks. I planted my zucchini, yellow squash, and pickling cucumbers. A few years ago I picked up a tip from an old gardener on how to grow these types of plants. He explained that when planting just place a partially crushed hard boiled egg a few inches beneath each plant to provide extra nourishment during the early growth weeks. I tried it for the first time last year with excellent results. I grew a number of plants with eggs and an equal number and type without. There was a marked difference in the size of the plants with eggs as well as the amount of squash, cucumbers, and zucchini s they produced.
After completing the planting I watered everything by hand to help them get established. I then hooked up the sprinkler system and tested it. As always problems arise at the worst times. One of the sprinkler sections refused to work requiring another hour of my time to repair it. One last job was to de-slug the garden. Our worst problem here are slugs that can be really destructive if not properly controlled. I spread a sufficient amount of pellets around each plant to begin the battle for this year. I’ll be forced to do this at least three more times this growing season to keep those damn slugs under control.
Water every day, try to chase away the deer, rabbits, and other creatures at night and maybe the garden will be a success. Expect the worst and hope for the best. I couldn’t even begin to understand how farmers with hundreds of acres ever get all of their work done but I’m glad they do.
Hopefully after today I can sit on my deck for a few months and watch everything grow. Then it will be time to harvest all the goodies and prepare the garden for next year.
As a very young man working my way through puberty I was confronted with sexual desires which truthfully scared the hell out of me. I found myself smitten with girls who had blonde hair. The fact that they also had a French accent was just a plus in my mind and made my fantasy more real. I told everyone that someday I would marry a blonde French women and move to Paris. Looking back it makes me smile to think just how naive I really was.
In those days the current ridicule of blondes was just starting primarily because of a few Hollywood actresses like Marilyn Monroe and Mae West. At the time I paid little or no attention to all of the blonde bashing that was slowly developing even after it turned into a national obsession. It continues today as an easy way to get laughs by comedians and television hosts alike.
My likes and dislikes of women have dramatically changed over the years and my desire for blondes has lessened somewhat. Was this craziness about blondes being dumb the cause of that change? Maybe. These days anyone can be a blonde at a moments notice and it sometimes seems there aren’t many real blondes left. It now requires us men to find out as soon as possible if "the curtains really match the rug". Unfortunately these days many women have opted for a much smaller rug and many times no rug at all. It’s all very confusing for us former blonde men. That’s right, as a young man I was a natural blonde.
I have to admit many blondes do come across as being a little dense at times and others can use that as a means to disarm the men they deal with. I now believe that being blonde is just a state of mind and that any man or women becomes effected by the blonde myth the moment they adopt that as their hair color. I’ve seen brunettes who’ve gone blonde and immediately seem to get more playful and less threatening. They become easier to approach, more fun to be with, and at times more sexually inclined. Hence the famous quote, “blonde’s have more fun”.
So the blonde thing has come full circle from it’s earliest days. I find it interesting just how often some middle aged women go blonde after experiencing the onset of that famous middle age spread. My blonde hair eventually turned light brown and I was safe from ridicule. I didn’t notice any obvious personality change in myself and my life went on as usual.
As a former blonde I feel I have as much right as anyone to have a little fun with the blonde thing. I don’t think the blonde issue will ever be explained or understood and that’s fine with me. Blondes that take offense can just change their hair color and become one of the majority. I’m still looking for the real blondes who don’t care want people think and are standing proud.
I couldn’t write this posting without adding one of my favorite blonde jokes. I guess I’m just as bad as everyone else and I hope it brings a smile or smirk to your face.
Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "… Ready … Aim … !! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
So they brought in the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: "… Ready … Aim …!! and suddenly the redhead yelled "TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "… Ready … Aim … !! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"
So lame but still funny. I hope all of you blondes out there can forgive me, I’m just a weak formerly blonde man.
Spring has finally sprung here in Maine. That cold nip that’s been in the air for the last few weeks seems to be disappearing and sitting on my deck actually feels warm instead of just in the sunny spots.
Something else is an excellent predictor of warm weather and that’s road construction. We’re just a week away from the beginning of the tourist season which under normal conditions is a huge pain in the butt. Add the influx of tourist to the unbelievable amount of road construction and what do you get? You get madness.
I spent a portion of my day yesterday riding around the area, running errands, and just enjoying the sunshine. I saw a few things I found more than a little disturbing. I once lived in the Boston area and there we were required to suffer through traffic jams which are a way of life. I spent more than seventeen years sitting on Rte. 128 in gigantic traffic jams and logged more time sitting on that highway than I did in my office. It was one of the many reasons I felt a move to Maine was a good idea.
Maine is a very large state with a reasonably small population and under normal circumstances we have a difficult time even finding a traffic jam. Unfortunately that appears to be changing this year. I spent more time than I’d like sitting in construction traffic yesterday and I swear I must have seen at least sixty percent of the state’s population. They were all jammed into one of the main intersections in Scarborough, Maine which has been under construction for at least two months.
It takes a real genius to begin a large road construction project just prior to tourist season at one of the busiest intersections in the area without being absolutely certain it will be completed before the tourists arrive. It’s not the town officials that are to blame but the idiots from the state government in Augusta. They bitch and complain about the poor economy and then do their level best to screw things up.
The perfect example to make my point was this scene. You have two large intersections within a couple of hundred yards of each other. There are no less than fourteen lanes of traffic merging into and out of this area which unfortunately is the direct driving route to the beaches and the marsh areas where tourist love to visit. Every lane except for two was closed.
I sat and watched some poor schmuck standing in a shallow hole spreading asphalt with a wooden paddle. He was sweating his butt off as he pushed and pulled the material around to get it level. Standing right next to him were four supervisors in their pretty white hard hats, reading their clip boards, and watching the poor guy working. Making a rough estimate I would calculate that more than $100.00 an hour was being spent to supervise one guy making $20.00 an hour. I really appreciated that the entire group of supervisors were proud enough to wear their official State of Maine, Department of Transportation jackets. It’s the perfect way to advertise to "We the People" where our hard earned tax money is being spent.
Shortly after Memorial Day that intersection will be an even bigger nightmare. I’m certain that all of our Canadian visitors will really appreciate spending a good portion of their vacation time sitting in the heat at that intersection. You haven’t lived until you’ve experienced a road rage incident where someone is screaming obscenities at you in French. At least I won’t understand what the hell their saying.
I’ve been accused on occasion of thinking everyone I’ve ever met is stupid. I’m really not that jaded to think something that’s so ridiculous. I do believe that every person on the planet has the capability to have moments of genius and just as many have moments of stupid, myself included. I’m just fascinated and maybe overly so by people either being “stupid” or just acting “stupid”. I’ve dealt with and interviewed thousands of people over the years and the number that could be considered “stupid” by any normal human being is nothing less than mind boggling. I’ve also known my fair share of genius level people, both male and female, and almost all of them come across as “stupid” when you discuss anything except their specific fields of interest. They are so focused on them that everything else is unimportant.
I’ve reread a book recently that’s translated from the Italian and it was all about “Stupid”. The authors name was Carlo M. Cipolla and he was Professor Emeritus of Economic History at Berkeley. His first book was published in 1988 in Bologna and in that book there’s an essay called The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity, which may be the best thing ever written on the subject.
Here are his Five Laws of Stupidity somewhat paraphrased:
1. We always underestimate the number of stupid people.
He also observes that it is impossible to set a percentage, because any number we choose will be too small.
2. The probability of a person being stupid is independent of any other characteristic of that person.
Militant feminists may be incensed, says Cipolla, but the stupidity factor is the same in both genders (or as many genders, or sexes, as you may choose to consider). No difference in the sigma factor, as Cipolla calls it, can be found by race, color, ethnic heritage, education, etcetera.
3. (And Golden) A stupid person is someone who causes damage to another person, or a group of people, without any advantage accruing to himself (or herself) — or even with some resultant self-damage.
(We shall come back to this, because it is the pivotal concept of the Cipolla Theory.)
4. Non-stupid people always underestimate the damaging power of stupid people. They constantly forget that at any moment, and in any circumstance, associating with stupid people invariably constitutes an expensive mistake.
That (I would say) suggests that non-stupid people are a bit stupid — but I shall get back to this point at the end.
5. A stupid person is the most dangerous person in existence.
This is probably the most widely understood of the Laws, if only because it is common knowledge that intelligent people, hostile as they might be, are predictable, while stupid people are not. Moreover, its basic corollary:
A stupid person is more dangerous than a bandit.
He leads us to the heart of the Cipolla Theory. There are four types of people, he says, depending on their behavior in a transaction:
-
Hapless – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-damage, but also to create advantage for someone else.
-
Intelligent – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-advantage, as well as advantage for others.
-
Bandit – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-advantage while causing damage to others.
-
Stupid – We already have this definition in the Third Law.
It has become painfully obvious to me that I haven’t even scratched the surface of “stupid” compared to Mr. Cipolla. I’ve accepted the fact that my reading and understanding of “stupid” must be taken to the next level or maybe I’m just being “stupid” too.
I have a lot of fun pointing out “stupid” on this blog and will continue to do until it stops being funny. Hopefully at some point in the future I’ll be able to sit down and rewrite Cipolla’s Laws from a more modern perspective and with a touch more humor.
“IT IS ONE OF THE BLESSINGS OF OLD FRIENDS THAT YOU CAN AFFORD TO BE STUPID WITH THEM”. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Another Mother’s Day has come and gone and for the first time in my life I have no mother to celebrate with. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about that but when you have no choice you just muddle your way through. I guess Mother’s Day has now become for me more a day of remembrance rather than a holiday.
I chatted briefly with my sister but I suspect she’s feeling the same way. Our actual feelings went unspoken during our conversation but we were both thinking the same thing. Fortunately she has her daughter and two grandchildren to help her through this day.
Since my better-half’s sons both live out-of-state I knew I’d need to be there for her because I know how much she misses them. Fortunately her daughter and grandson live nearby and visited last evening to celebrate with her. It was a nice night because it was her daughter’s very first official Mother’s Day and she was really excited about it. One thing nicer than seeing the grandson growing up so fast is also seeing his mom turning into quite the woman and mother.
My better-half had to work today so I left the house early to do a little shopping. I picked up two huge and beautiful steaks, a little wine, a very pretty potted flower, and a Mother’s Day card. I know, she’s not my mother but that’s not really the point. Being a Mom has always been the most important thing to her and her close relationship with her kids is everything. I don’t want her dwelling on the fact that they’re not able to be here so I need to do something a little special.
She arrived home to a cold drink, a big kiss, her flowers and my mushy choice of a card. I did good! I then took those two big beautiful steaks to the grill and turned them into something special. Two inches thick and melt in your mouth wonderful. Baked potatoes and fresh salad followed along with her favorite desert, a chocolate Nutty Buddy. It can’t get much better than that for either of us.
Our day is winding down now, she’s talked to her Mom and her other siblings, and now she can relax and prepare for her two days off. Good days are sometimes hard to find but not this one.
Happy Mother’s Day to all you mother’s out there, male and female alike.
It’s time again for another installment of totally useless information. If you remember all of these tidbits after reading this blog for a year you’ll be declared an Unofficial Trivial Pursuit Expert. Even that game doesn’t include some of the strange and useless stuff found here.
My search will continue to find as many of these stupid and useless facts as possible and forward them along for your amusement. We humans are a strange folk as reflected by the following:
-
Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world?
-
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
-
Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
-
Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
-
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
-
If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human’s neck.
-
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary.
-
During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that’s the weight of about 6 elephants.
-
There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones.
-
More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones.
-
Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.
-
The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year.
-
Humans blink over 10,000,000 times a year.
-
In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter”.
-
Every second, Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate.
-
A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day.
-
In 32 years. there are about 1 billion seconds.
-
Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day.
-
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
-
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
-
Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
-
A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.
-
Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States.
-
The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons.
-
A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court.
I think my favorite from this list is Pope John Paul II becoming an honorary Harlem Globetrotter. It’s funny on a number of levels and I can just picture him, robes flapping, doing a Michael Jordan flight to the basket for a truly holy dunk.
Our fear of snow and frost has finally past and I can get on with our Spring and Summer plans. I’ve been sun burned once already and now I’m taking extra steps to be a little more careful. With the remodel in the house completed I can now center all of my attention to the yard and garden.
I visited a friend yesterday who lives nearby and owns a small nursery. He is a supplier of plants to many of the local and larger nurseries in southern Maine. He’s been very helpful over the years in educating me on growing plants in this State. I decided to shop around a little because every year he offers plants for sale that many others in the area do not.
I started looking through his new greenhouses and I couldn’t stop myself from loading up on plants. I have a fairly large cold frame at home and I purchased enough plants to completely fill it and then some. I filled my car with hot peppers, pickling cucumbers, squash, zucchini, and mustard plants. It was an excellent start for the season. I also purchased seedlings of three types of lettuce, spinach, and a couple cherry tomato plants. I’ll be planting the cold resistant plants today but waiting another week before starting anything else. The weather here can be weird at times with unannounced frost occurring well into May. I’ve been burned before so I won’t let it happen again.
Every garden has issues and mine is no different. I’ve been trying for years to grow big, fat, and red tomatoes with absolutely no luck. We instead plant the cherry tomatoes which always thrive in the same damn soil. I had the soil tested and added whatever was needed to get it balanced properly and still no success. I love making my homemade pasta sauces and salsas but it’s always much better when made with freshly grown tomatoes.
I finished construction of a new type of trellis for my beans. I’m planting both red and yellow climbing beans which should completely fill this trellis in no time. We always do well with them and eat those beans all winter long. There is nothing better to eat on a cold February night.
I’ll be looking for some kale seedlings in the next few day as well. Our harvest of kale last summer made our winter soups pretty damn tasty. I just wash it, blanch it and the freeze it. I like it almost as well as frozen spinach and I’m hoping I’ll have the same success as in the past.
My better-half is obsessed with sun flowers and required me to set aside an area in the garden for them. She usually plants a large variety of sizes and colors including the mammoth plants that can get 10 to 12 feet tall. At the end of the season we allow the heads to dry and they feed hundreds of birds for a few weeks.
Well, the plants have been transferred into the cold frame to await a warmer week. I installed my simple but effective sprinkler system which should keep all of the plants well watered and healthy. Now all I have to worry about are Mother Natures little helpers. Deer, rabbits, squirrels, horn worms, and all of natures other little inconveniences that make gardening such a challenge.
I’ve now lived in Maine for almost thirteen years and I’ve been told by a few native born Mainer’s that until you’ve lived here at least ten years your not considered a real Mainer. Since I’m now certified and official I’ve earned the right to criticize and make fun of my fellow citizens.
I’ve always been someone who sings Maine’s praises and really do love living here. It’s one of the most beautiful states in the country with many natural resources and scenic coastlines. That being said it also has issues you should be made aware of. Some years ago I stumbled on this list and found it funny as hell. A lot of time has passed since then but this list still rings true.
If you decide to visit our lovely state then you need more information than the stuff always published in the travel brochures. This list is so true it’s a little scary. Here are the things you can expect.
The local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May.
People at Home Depot will offer you assistance and they don’t even work there.
It’s not unusual for you to have a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.
You will learn to measure distance in hours not miles.
You will meet several people who’ve hit a deer more than once if you stay more than a week.
You’ll be swimming in August wearing a full body wetsuit.
You may switch from heat and AC in the same day and then back again.
You may learn to drive 75 miles through 2 feet of snow during a blizzard without flinching.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife will know how to use them.
Children’s Halloween costumes here are designed to fit over a snowsuit.
You will learn all about our four seasons: almost Winter, Winter, still Winter, and road construction.
You’ll have more miles on your snow blower than on your car.
Bear these facts in mind when you come to visit. It can be cold and snowy in the blink of an eye except for the months of June, July, and part of August.
A few days ago I posted a bit of humor about men visiting Lowes at different stages of their lives. I tag these types of posts as humor but as always there are a few of you out there who insist on taking things as a personal attack. I received a somewhat smarmy email from a gentleman in Canada who took me to task for having made men look too foolish. I won’t assume anything about someone who sees a posting described as humor and then takes time out of his busy day to write an email complaining about the humor. He truly must be a Canadian.
Being the fair minded individual that I am I’ll dedicate this HUMEROUS post in his honor with the hopes he has a women in his life who can explain it to him. If I’m going to receive stupid and inane emails I’d prefer them to be from women. As a warning to all of you folks in Canada, THIS POSTING CONTAINS HUMOR. Be on your guard.
What Woman Desire in Men
20’s
- Handsome
- Works Out Regularly
- Charming
- Financially Successful
- A Caring Listener
- An Imaginative and Romantic Lover
30’s
- Nice Looking
- Listens More Than Talks
- Smells Good
- Carries Groceries With Ease
- Owns at Least One Tie
- Requires Sex Once a Week
40’s
-
Not Too Ugly – Bald OK
-
Doesn’t Smell Too Bad
-
Usually Wears a Shirt to Cover His Stomach
-
Remembers to Put the Toilet Lid Down
-
Shaves on Most Weekends
-
Requires Sex Once a Month
50’s
- Keeps Hair in Nose and Ears Trimmed
- Doesn’t Belch or Scratch in Public
- Doesn’t Nod Off While I’m Talking
- Remembers My Name
- Shaves on Some Weekends
- Requires Sex Once a Quarter
60’s
- Remembers Where the Bathroom Is
- Can Stand By Himself
- Usually Wears Some Clothes
- Social Security Eligible
- Remembers Where He Left His Teeth
- Vaguely Remembers Sex
70’s
- Collecting Social Security
- Can Still Drive
- Breathing
- Breathing
- Breathing
- Breathing
There you have it ladies. If you find any omissions or errors please drop me a comment or email with the particulars. I’ll immediately forward them to my new Canadian friend for his thoughts on the matter. I’m just kidding of course. My only message for Ontario Joe is BITE ME!
I’m what most people would consider a person who dresses down instead of up. I’ve always been much more concerned with comfort than fashion (ask anyone who knows me). For most of my adult life after serving in the Army I was required to wear a suit and tie every day. I started out wearing sport coats and dress slacks, then to three piece suits, and finally to a more expensive brand of suits required by my position and the company I worked for. Even as a police officer I wore the company uniform when not working undercover. A tightly tailored and uncomfortable outfit with a big hat, lots of leather, a gun, and other assorted tools of the trade. I hated it.
I was forced to maintain quite an assortment of garments for a number of different companies because I didn’t want to look too stupid or out of style. I eventually had almost a hundred ties, dozens of shirts, suits, and all of the stupid accoutrements that seem to be required for each. It was awful. I’d have preferred on any given day to wear a T-shirt, shorts, and a raggedy old pair of flip flops.
After many years of "dressing for the man" I finally saw that light at the end of the tunnel and it was my retirement. I actually never thought I’d retire but the State of Maine in it’s infinite wisdom offered me early retirement since my job was being eliminated due to fiscal concerns. I was pissed and upset for about five minutes and then began planning my future.
I needed to simplify my life in many ways. I decided that with no company or boss to help dress me I would finally get to go my own way. My final day of work was one of those days where everyone comes around to say their goodbyes and to tell you how much they’d miss you (and good riddance). About seventy percent of them are just being politically correct and couldn’t care less. They should have just held an official funeral service right then and there because that’s what it felt like. I said all the right things, shook the right hands, smiled, and all the while thinking, "get me the hell out of here".
The next morning I awoke a new man. I spent a good portion of that day packing up all of my suits, ties, sport coats, overcoats, dress shoes, and anything else I could think of. That was one trip to Goodwill I’ll never forget. I kept one good suit, two dress shirts, one overcoat, and one pair of dress shoes for the occasional wedding and/or funeral. My closet was finally empty. It took a few weeks longer to rid myself of all those other little things that tied me to certain companies for such a large part of my life. It felt good to be free of it all and it also created a need for a huge wardrobe change and a serious shopping trip.
It’s now four and a half years later and things have changed dramatically. I look in my closet and what do I see? Three pairs of sneakers, four pairs of flip flops, one pair of dress shoes, two pairs of beach shoes, and four pair of Crocs. Next comes ten pairs of jeans, fifty assorted T-shirts, twelve pairs of shorts, four dress shirts, one suit, one raincoat, and a flannel shirt or two so people will know I’m still from Maine. One pair of hiking boots, a back pack, camera equipment, a walking stick, and a pair of really cool snow shoes w/ poles.
Welcome to my new so called life.
everyuselessthing.com 
A few days ago I posted a bit of humor about men visiting Lowes at different stages of their lives. I tag these types of posts as humor but as always there are a few of you out there who insist on taking things as a personal attack. I received a somewhat smarmy email from a gentleman in Canada who took me to task for having made men look too foolish. I won’t assume anything about someone who sees a posting described as humor and then takes time out of his busy day to write an email complaining about the humor. He truly must be a Canadian.
Being the fair minded individual that I am I’ll dedicate this HUMEROUS post in his honor with the hopes he has a women in his life who can explain it to him. If I’m going to receive stupid and inane emails I’d prefer them to be from women. As a warning to all of you folks in Canada, THIS POSTING CONTAINS HUMOR. Be on your guard.
What Woman Desire in Men
20’s
30’s
40’s
50’s
60’s
70’s
There you have it ladies. If you find any omissions or errors please drop me a comment or email with the particulars. I’ll immediately forward them to my new Canadian friend for his thoughts on the matter. I’m just kidding of course. My only message for Ontario Joe is BITE ME!
Share this: