Any day is a good day to be told the truth. How’s that for words to live by? Some of these topics will definitely pique your interest. Sometimes the weirder the facts the truer the statements. See what you think.
Let’s try some sports:
- The infamous Bill Buckner of Red Sox fame had more career hits and Ted Williams.
- During World War II, so many NFL players were fighting in the war that the rival Philadelphia Eagles and Pittsburgh Steelers temporarily teamed up to form the “Steagles”
- Walter Payton once threw a touchdown pass, caught a touchdown pass, and ran for a touchdown in the same game.
- Legend has it that Hall of Fame baseball player Wade Boggs once drank 107 beers in one day while traveling with the team.
- The only team to score 3 touchdowns in under 1 min. in the NFL is the New England Patriots. And they’ve done it twice.
Now for little sci-fi:
- It takes 200 million years for the sun to make one orbit around the galactic center.
- In order for the earth to become a black hole, its entire mass would have to be compressed into a space less than an inch in diameter.
- The sun makes up over 99% of the solar system’s entire mass.
- Venus spends backwards and no one knows why!
- Every planet in the solar system could fit in the space between Earth and the moon. Even if you count Pluto.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
It’s kind of a rainy day here in Maine. It’s gray and miserable which makes me feel even lazier than I normally do. With that thought in mind I thought I’d reach all the way back to the year 1984 for some retro riddles. As you read them keep remembering these were written in the 1980s which might help you put them into their proper context. Here we go . . .
- What’s the difference between a gigolo, a doctor, a Rabbi, a girlfriend and a Quaalude? A gigolo is a penis vendor, a doctor is a penis mender, a rabbi is a penis ender, a girlfriend is a penis tender, and a Quaalude is a penis bender.
- When did the madam realize that the guy with no arms and legs on the front porch of the brothel wasn’t fooling around? When she figured out how he rang the doorbell!
- What did the dentist say to the lady after she told him she’d rather have a baby then have a tooth pulled? “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair!”
- What did the German general do when he heard that Napoleon wore red into battle so his troops wouldn’t panic in the event he was wounded? He ordered a brown uniform!
- Why should you think twice before you marry a girl with hair down to her waist and boobs that stick out to here? Because in 10 years her boobs will be down to her waist and her hair will stick out to there!
- Why can’t a man win with his wife? Because if he comes home early, she accuses him of being horny. If he comes home late, she suspects that he’s been out getting some. And if he comes home on time, she figures he’s got it already!
- Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don’t have testicles!
- What’s a liberated woman? A woman who has sex before marriage and a job afterwards!
- What’s the difference between a pig and a musician? A pig won’t stay up all night trying to fuck a musician!
- What’s a platonic relationship? A relationship between a guy who wants to have sex and a girl who doesn’t!
SMILE, IT’S ALMOST THE WEEKEND
- When Joan of Arc was burned at the stake, she was condemned for two crimes: witchcraft and wearing men’s clothing.
- Two dozen American states considered impotence legal grounds for divorce.
- At any time, .7 percent of the world’s population is drunk.
- The King of Diamonds in a standard card deck was designed after Julius Caesar. King of Spades for King David, King of Clubs for Alexander the Great, and King of Hearts for Charlemagne.
- A flink is a group of 12 or more cows.
- In a single day, one cow discharges enough methane to fill 400 one-liter bottles.
- A standard pencil could draw a 35-mile-long line before it runs out of lead (graphite).
- The average life span of a goldfish living in the wild is 25 years.
- Approximately 500 pounds of Silly Putty are produced every day.
- The Guinness World Records book is considered the most commonly stolen volume from libraries around the world. In the United States the Bible is the most shoplifted book.
And here is my quote of the day:
“It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.”
Bridgette Bardot
It’s time for a few limericks written primarily for kids and young adults. It’s nice for a change to post limericks that aren’t totally crude and for adults only. I like to offer an interesting selection and here we go . . .
😗😗😗
There was a young farmer of Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds,
It soon came to pass
He was covered with grass,
And he couldn’t sit down for the weeds.
😜😜😜
There was a young fellow of Perth,
Who was born on the day of his birth.
He was married, they say,
On his wife’s wedding day,
And he died when he quitted the earth.
😁😁😁
A certain young man of great gumption,
‘Mongst cannibals had the presumption
To go – but alack!
He never came back.
They say ’twas a case of consumption.
😊😊😊
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who had a great fondness for gherkins.
She went to a tea
And ate twenty-three,
Which pickled her internal workin’s.
HAPPY HUMP DAY
To say I am a baseball fan would be an understatement and when writing about famous orators how could I forget the man, “Yogi Berra”. For me, he’s the perfect example of what old time baseball was all about. He was a great player and manager and always made the Yankees fans proud. Weirdly enough he has since become almost as famous for his stream of hilarious quotations. Here are a few for your entertainment.
- “I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
- “Baseball is 90% mental- the other half is physical.”
- “Nobody goes there anymore – it’s too crowded.”
- “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
- “This is like déjà vu all over again.”
- “You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”
- “It gets late early out there.”
- “Think! How the hell are you going to think and hit at the same time?”
- “Slump? I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting.”
- When his wife asked, “Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?” His response was, “Surprise me.”
THE AMBASSADOR OF BASEBALL
HILLARY CLINTON ADOPTS ALIEN BABY
Back in the day it was normal for almost anyone standing in line at any grocery store to be bored out of their mind. What do you do then? You take one of the ever so strange publications in the rack and read the most outrageous stories that were obviously nothing but BS in tabloids like The National Inquirer, The Sun, and The Daily Record. I’m pleased to announce that most if not all of them still exist but these days they’re mostly on-line. My current favorite is The Weekly World News. They take legitimate stories and then spice them up with some of the worst headlines and facts that are twisted beyond belief. They are nothing more than hysterically funny comic relief. Here are a few samples of their work:
Alien Backs Clinton!
Bat Child Found in Cave!
Half-Human Half-Fish Found in Florida!
Titanic Baby Found Alive!
Bug Size UFO Found on Playground!
And you thought I was kidding. Here are a few more of their most outrageous stories and headlines. You can’t help but smile and shake your head after reading them.
11-YEAR-OLD BOY RAPED – BY SEX STARVED MAID WITH AIDS
BABY CATCHES BULLET WITH HIS GUMS
KID WITH THREE ARMS IS BASEBALL SENSATION
I MADE MYSELF PREGNANT WITH A TURKEY BASTER
ANT ARMY EATS 935 PEOPLE
SWORD SWALLOWER LAUGHS SO HARD – HE SLIT HIS THROAT
HAIL THE SIZE OF BOWLING BALLS FLATTENS TOWN
CHURCH COMMUNION CAN SPREAD AIDS
It’s interesting to sit back and enjoy “fake news” for a change that isn’t carefully disguised and worded by the Mainstream Media and all of our straight-shooting politicians. If you’d like to see more stop off at their website: weeklyworldnews.com. It’s worth a few laughs which we definitely need more of these days.
START YOUR WEEK WITH A LAUGH
I’m not a lover of celebrities because in all cases they are as flawed and screwed up as the rest of us. Being famous just makes their activities even worse than what they actually are because the media just won’t let go of things. Here are a few celebrity facts that most of you should find interesting. As I’m told so often, “everyone loves celebrities”. Well almost everyone.
- In 2006, William Shatner was paid $25,000.00 by an online casino for a kidney stone he had recently passed.
- Charlie Chapin once placed third in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
- Martha Stewart once dated actor Anthony Hopkins but dumped him because she couldn’t separate him from Hannible Lecter, his character in Silence of the Lambs.
- Elvis Presley got a “C” in music in eight grade and was told by the teacher that he had no singing talent.
- Actress Cybil Shepherd dated Elvis in the 70’s and hinted on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she had to teach him how to perform cunninlinqus.
- Mickey Mouse creator Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
- Actress Drew Barrymore began drinking at age nine, smoking weed at ten and snorting cocaine at twelve. She then entered rehab at age thirteen, the youngest star ever to do so.
- False web rumors began to circulate in 2005 that TV star Jaleel White (Urkel on Family Matters) had committed suicide and left a note that read “Did I do that?”, Urkel’s catchphrase.
- Nobel Prize winning biologist Francis Crick was high on LSD when he discovered the double helix structure of DNA.
- Actress Rebecca Gayheart while on her cell phone stuck and killed a nine-year old girl in LA in 2001. She pled guilty to manslaughter and was sentenced to three years’ probation and a fine.
WE’RE LOOKING FOR VOLUNTEERS WHO WANT TO BE FAMOUS
I’ve been called a sarcastic SOB so many times I can’t count. That was by friends and acquaintances who I got along with. Comments by others were often even worse. I love and live for sarcasm because it’s a subtle way to criticize or make fun of someone without conflict. The reason there’s no conflict is that most people haven’t a clue when someone is being sarcastic. They pretend to be amused but aren’t even sure why. Any time I find any information on sarcasm, and it’s uses, I buy it. Here are a few collected definitions of sarcasm you might enjoy and if they don’t make sense to you, find a sarcastic friend to explain them.
- A CONSERVATIVE is someone who hates liberals because they have, at least once, seen themselves naked.
- FAT is what you don’t realize you are getting until you have to suck in your gut even when you are lying down.
- The CREDIT CARD is a small wallet sized device that finally made misery, ruin, and despair accessible to just about anyone.
- A CUSTOMER is a person who once came first and was always right, and is now routinely ignored, disrespected, and even scoffed at by the clueless, text messaging employees of most modern-day retail establishments. This has resulted in increased Internet commerce, wherein if the customer encounters a problem, he can simply call a toll-free number to get ignored, disrespected, and even scoffed at.
- A DOUGHNUT is a food created in response to the notion that if something has 20 grams of sugar, 25 grams of fat, and 425 calories, then it should be made available in groups of 12.
- E-COMMERCE is a convenient way to make your bank account accessible to criminals without having to leave the comfort and safety of your own home.
- EGO is the part of one’s mind that contains awareness in the sense of one’s own individuality. Highly developed in actors, models, sports figures, doctors, real estate tycoons, and God help us, our children.
- EDGY describes an otherwise normal person or work of art deemed provocative or daring by virtue of a little profanity, self-mutilation, or both.
- FAITH is a deeply personal, spiritual set of beliefs that provides for the option of engaging in endless, bloody civil war with anyone who has a different set of deeply personal, spiritual beliefs than you.
- FASHION is something that a total of six people actually have time to follow. Which might explain why we keep seeing clips of runway models wearing some of the weirdest crap in the world, none of which ever makes it to your local Target.
This is just a short sampling of many hundreds of definitions that I’ve acquired. You’ll be seeing more of them in the future for sure.
ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND
I feel the need to distribute a little more useless information today. There seems to a never-ending supply which I will happily make available to as many people as possible. Some of this information was also supplied by my all-time favorite writer, Isaac Azimov.
- The foundations of the great European cathedrals go down as far as 40 or 50 feet. In some instances, they form a mass of stone as great as that of the visible building above the ground.
- While Columbus was seeking new worlds to the West, Italian engineers were rebuilding the Kremlin in Moscow.
- The number of possible ways of playing just the first four movies on each side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
- There were more than 100 distinct ethnic groups in the old Soviet Union.
- The Pacific Ocean fills nearly a complete hemisphere of the Earth’s surface.
- Because of the story in Genesis that Eve had been created out of Adam’s rib, it was widely believed during the Middle Ages that men had one fewer rib than women.
- Immediately after the end of the American Revolution, Congress abolished the United States Army, the Navy, and the Marine Corps, leaving the Congress itself as the only national government organization. They feared a standing army.
- When Thomas Jefferson became president, in 1801, 20% of the people in the United States were slaves. There were 5 million people in all.
- It was only in 1968 – 43 years after the Scopes “monkey trial” – that the state of Tennessee abolished its anti-evolution law and accepted the doctrine of evolution.
- “Red Tape” the rigid application of regulations and routine, resulting in the delay in getting business done, got its name from the color of the tape that was commonly used to tie official papers. The term was in use as early as 1658.
Well, for all of you trivia lovers out there you’ve just received your daily fix of totally useless information. My supply never seems to run low and more will definitely follow.
ENJOY YOUR WEEK
I decided that it was time to post a few limericks collected from a small and damaged book I discovered some months ago. It was published in 1980 and contains over 150 of the lewdest limericks I’ve ever seen. The great majority are so nasty I wouldn’t dare post them here, but I’ve found four of the more acceptable ones to give you an idea what I’m dealing with. Tell the kids to leave the room. Rated at least an “R”.
A worried young man from Stamboul
Discovered red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
“Get out of my clinic!
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool.
🍆🍩🍆
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And so loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls – and he had’em.
🍩🍆🍩
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?”
🍆🍩🍆
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but the wrong pew.
🍩🍆🍩
AND THESE WERE THE TAME ONES
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