I’ve always been attracted to graveyards. There’s no better place to paint, sketch or write than the peaceful quietness of a graveyard. It’s one of the few places still left where someone can go and relax without interferences from the rest of the living human race. I once lived in a city called Lakeville in Massachusetts and for many years I was known far and wide by the police departments and many citizens as someone who was consistently haunting local graveyards. In the Plymouth area there are still tombstones from the 1600’s with some truly bizarre epithets and poetry. I just takes a little time and dedication to find them. Todays post will contain what some people would consider morbid information and that’s true, it is a little morbid but it’s still interesting. Being the kind and generous soul that I am, I’m willing to share.
😵😵😵
“Haircut!” Last words of famous gangster Albert Anastasia in 1957 while getting a trim.
“Smite my womb.” Spoken by Agrippina, mother of Nero, to the assassins sent to kill her by her son.
“The strongest.” Uttered by Alexander the Great when asked who should succeed him.
“The executioner is, I believe, an expert . . . and my neck is very slender. Oh God, have pity on my soul, . . . ” as she was beheaded.
“I hope so.” Stated by Andrew Carnegie, steel magnet and philanthropist, to his wife who’d just wished him a good night:
Epithets
Burlington, Massachusetts
Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness sake;
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’,
So he sought for repose in a twelve dollar coffin.
Is there anyone out there who doesn’t think the media is a problem these days? I do miss the days of reading newspapers because there were so many inaccuracies and misstatements, it was fun just to search them out and have a laugh or two. Now if we want to read a newspaper you got to go online and sign up for their website, fill out a form with all of your information, and agree to accept all the crappy spam they decide to send you. Then they can and will sell your information to damn near anyone. In the past I’ve made a lot of fun of the written media only because there’s so much information out there that’s worth a laugh or three. Apparently, the worst job you can have in written media is being an editor. It’s also apparent from the information I’ve been reading that if they have editors, they aren’t all that bright. Here’s a short selection of headlines from newspapers and I cannot believe any alleged editors were doing their job. Here we go . . .
Statistics Show That Mortality Increases Perceptively in the Military During Wartime What editor in his right mind let this one slip through?
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Unbelievable!!!
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted We live in a time of geniuses.
NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach I wonder if he’s required to wear a robe for that.
Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One There some good dating advice . . . NOT!
Eye Drops Off Shelf OMG!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly It May Last a While Another Rhodes scholar.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency Thanks to the tobacco lobby for this one.
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier than Clean Ones, Study Shows Another genius observation.
Fish Lurk in Streams This might be great for a Bass Pro Shop logo.
What better things are there to do on these snowy, wet, cold, slushy, and otherwise crappy days? My favorite thing is to just go to my bookshelf and randomly pick a book to read and to look for interesting information. Since it is the holiday season I thought why not talk about death. Unfortunately, or fortunately the book that I picked at random this morning contains quite of lot of information on death and dying. So, in the spirit of the season I’m going to supply you with a list of actual ways people on this planet decide to be buried. Some of these ways are a little strange but who am I to judge.
Create a certified, high-quality diamond from the cremated ashes of your loved one.
Send a symbolic portion of your loved ones cremated remains into Earth orbit, onto the lunar surface, or into deep space.
Have your cremated remains placed in a “reef ball” to help seed this planet’s coral reefs.
Have your remains frozen in liquid nitrogen, with the intent of restoring your body (in good health, of course) when technology becomes available to do so.
Have your remains frozen and transformed into organic compost and buried with in a potato-starch coffin that promotes plant and tree growth.
Have your remains incorporated into fireworks, so you can have a custom fireworks display for your friends and loved ones.
Create a custom portrait of your loved one incorporating their cremation ashes.
Have your body mummified the old-school Egyptian way.
Donate your body to be “plastinated” or embalmed for public display for educational and instructional purposes.
Now that I’ve succeeded in depressing you let me take it one step further.
It has been estimated by scientists that since human beings became a distinct species, more than 100 billion, give or take a few million, have died.
It is estimated that more than 135,000 people will die on your next birthday. Just give a kind thought to the 135,000 people who are estimated to pass away on the same day.
You have a higher chance of being killed by a donkey than of dying in a plane crash.
You’re slightly more likely to die from a cave-in than from contact with hot tap water.
Death from being struck on the head by a coconut occurs for about 150 people each year worldwide.
Mike Edwards, cellist for the 1970’s band, The Electric Light Orchestra (ELO), was killed by hay bale that rolled down a hill and smashed into his moving van.
I’m feeling in a very ‘limericky’ state of mind this morning. It’s cold, gray, and nasty so a day sitting at the computer is called for. After perusing through my achieves I decided on a few fairly clean limericks based on accidental deaths or injuries. Rather than be off color I decided on weird and these got it covered and then some.
In my younger days I spent a great deal of time in the oldest graveyards in southern Massachusetts. I did gravestone rubbings, sketches, and even a number of oil paintings. I even stretched t-shirts over gravestones, did rubbings, and sold them through a local gift shop. I had many requests from families for shirts with their family name or their favorite epithets. It seems everyone is either fascinated by graveyards or afraid of them. I’ve always loved them because of the absolute quietness. I spent many an hour curled up with a good book, under a tree, in my favorite graveyard.
Here are a few unusual and catchy tombstone epithets for your entertainment.
M.S. Donald Robertson, died 4 June 1848, age 63. “He was a peaceable man, and, to all appearance a sincere Christian. His death was much regretted – which was caused by the stupidity of Lawrence Tulloch of Clotherton who sold him nitre instead of Epsom salts by which he was killed in the space of three hours after taking a dose of it.” Cross Kirk, Shetland, England
“Sacred for the memory of Anthony Drake, who died for peace and quietness sake. His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’, so he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.” Burlington, Massachusetts
“Sacred to the memory of Elisha Philbrook and his wife Sarah, beneath these stones do lie. Back-to-back, my wife and I. When the last trumpet the air shall fill, if she gets up, I’ll just lie still.” Sargentville, Maine
“Beneath this stone, a lump of clay lies Arabella Young, who on the 21st of May began to hold her tongue.” Hatfield, Massachusetts
Sacred to the memory of Jared Bates who died August the 6th, 1800. His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street, has every qualification for a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.” Lincoln, Maine
“Fear God, keep the commandments, and don’t attempt to climb a tree, for that’s what caused the death of me.” Eastwell, Kent, England
“Here lies I, Jonathan Fry. killed by a skyrocket in my eye socket.” Frodsham, Cheshire, England
“Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I’ve come to the conclusion over the last few years after talking to a lot of my former and late friends, that after you’re labelled a Senior Citizen at age 50, you begin to think more about death than before. That’s a pretty depressing thought but in most cases I think it’s true. Today’s posting concerns death from a number of different angles and in my opinion, it makes for an interesting and depressing read.
You are 14% more likely to die on your birthday, compared to any other day of the year.
On average, more than 135,000 people will die on your next birthday and 360,000 will be born.
Wednesday by far is the most popular day to commit suicide.
More people die in New York City from suicide each year than from murder.
San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge is the most popular “suicide bridge” in the United States.
There are approximately 150 people killed each year from being struck on the head by a coconut.
Mosquitoes, human beings, and snakes are the three most deadly animals in the world in that order.
Each year more people are killed by hippopotamuses than by lions, sharks, and elephants combined.
THE BLACK DEATH
The Black Death is history’s most deadly verifiable plague. It swept through Europe and Asia Minor in the 1340’s and 50’s, killing an estimated 25 to 60 percent of Europe’s population.
THE SPANISH FLU
The Spanish Flu was a very virulent strain of influenza that spread through Asia, Europe, and North America in the spring of 1918. Healthy adults were especially hard hit. The global death toll is estimated between 25-100 million.
That should be enough depression for today. The Covid-19 pandemic is frightening but the numbers from the Black Death and Spanish Flu are even scarier. Glad I wasn’t around for either of them.
It’s Tuesday morning and I just finished my first cup of coffee which by the way didn’t help one bit. I’m still tired because I haven’t been sleeping well for about a week. My latest addiction is haunting me through the nighttime hours and happily it’s over today. I wish I could explain how weird my dreams have become for the last week. Fortunately for me I can’t remember every graphic detail because they are so freaky. They have the ability to stay alive in my head long after I’ve gone to sleep, and it makes for one God awful night.
Enough with this cryptic nonsense, for the last week I’ve been watching all seven movies of the SAW series. For seven nights the last thing I see before going to bed has been one solid hour of extremely detailed and graphic violence. What’s a little mayhem, bloodletting, and chopped off limbs among friends? On top of all of that my fear of clowns has been reinvigorated.
It’s even having an effect on my recreational abilities. I’ve been working on an exceptionally difficult jigsaw puzzle and just sitting in a dark and quiet house focusing totally on that puzzle has me looking over my shoulder and jumping at every sound the house continues to make. Up until a week ago I had only seen the first movie of the series. I thought it was gory, scary, and all of those things you expect in a horror movie. I certainly don’t recommend binge watching seven hours of what the SAW series brings to the screen. It is nice to know that a lot of Hollywood’s actors and actresses were probably lining up around the block so they can be butchered and killed in a SAW movie.
Today is Thursday but it just feels like a dreary Monday. I was awakened at 4:30 am by my better-half who was preparing to leave at 6:00 am for a drive to Florida. She was accompanied by her daughter and two grandsons both under the age of ten (OMFG). She tried desperately to convince me to ride along but fortunately for me I had other plans today. My other plans consist of some quality time with my least favorite doctor, the oncologist. I’ve always thought that being a proctologist might be the worst job on the planet but after the last three years I’ve changed my mind about that. Being an oncologist has to be the worst. Their job is vitally important but dealing with cancer and death on a regular basis is grueling for both the patients, nurses, and doctors. I’m hoping for good news today as always when dealing with them. So while I sit here preparing myself for that visit I thought I’d post a few things about four truly dumb asses.
DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
LICENSE TO STEAL Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front cover from an ATM by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.
MADE FOR TV Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was later sentenced to four years in jail.
OKAY, SO YOU’RE A MAN A 38-year-old man passed away in Pennsylvania a couple of hours after going to the home of a friend to see his snakes. According to the friend, the man had playfully reached into a cobra’s tank and picked up the snake and was bitten. Refusing a ride to the hospital, the man said, “I’m a man, I can handle it,” and instead went to a bar, where he had three drinks and bragged to patrons that he had just been bitten by a cobra. An hour later, he was dead.
As I’ve stated so many times in the past, “an unexamined life isn’t worth living”. With that in mind I’m offerring up these twenty questions. There are no right or wrong answers and no scoring of any kind. This isn’t a test but a chance to help you examine yourself. I’m going to answer them as truthfully as I can. I hope you’ll take a few minutes by yourself or with your partner or spouse and answer them together. It should prompt some interesting discussions. Enjoy . . .
1. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be?
A. The ability to speak every language in the world.
2. If you knew there would be a nuclear war in one week, what would you do?
A. I’d take my better-half, my cat, and a couple of cases of good wine and spend the week camping in the mountains.
3. Would you have one of your fingers surgically removed if it’s somehow guaranteed immunity from all major diseases?
A. No way in hell.
4. How do you picture your funeral? Is it important to you to have people mourn your death?
A. Cremate me, throw my ashes in the ocean, and move on with your lives. No special anything.
5. If you could take a 1-month trip anywhere in the world and money were not a consideration, where would you go and what would you do?
A. I’d fly to Easter Island to take photographs and meet the people.
6. If your friends and acquaintances we’re willing to bluntly and honestly tell you what they really thought of you, would you want them to?
A. Yes and I would do the same for them if requested.
7. You believe in any sort of God? If not, you think you might still pray if you were in a life-threatening situation?
A. I’ve been in life threatening situations and there was no praying of any kind going on. If there is a God (which I doubt) he didn’t seem the least bit interested.
8. Assuming that complete recovery were instantaneous, would you be willing to accept a year of complete paralysis below the neck to prevent the otherwise certain extinction of the blue whale?
A. No way, there’s an easier solution. Kill all the damn whale hunters.
9. Would you like to know the precise date of your death?
A. No way, I just love surprises.
10. Someone you loved deeply is brutally murdered and you know the identity of the murderer, who unfortunately is acquitted of the crime. Would you seek revenge?
A. Yes and it would be done intelligently and be undetectable.
11. If there were a public execution on television, would you watch it?
A. No, look how well that sort of thing worked out for the Romans.
12. How many times during the day do you look at yourself in a mirror?
A. As few times as possible. I no longer impress myself much.
13. Would you prefer to be blind or deaf?
A. Deaf, it would be a blessing not to listen to the constant drumbeat of noise from the rest of the planet.
14. How old were you when you first had sexual intercourse?
A. Age 13 and it was wonderful.
15. You are given $1,000,000 to donate anonymously to charity or to a stranger. How would you dispose of it?
A. $750,000 to the Wounded Warrior Project and the remainder to the ASPCA’s no-kill shelters.
16. How much do you like your body? You awoke alone on a warm morning and we’re going to laze about the house, how long would you wait to get dressed? What do you wear when you sleep?
A. I probably wouldn’t get dressed until at least 11 a.m. I always sleep in the nude whenever possible and will till the day Idie.
17. Would you be willing to eat a bowl of live crickets for $40,000?
A. Hell no that’s disgusting but I might reconsider for $50,000.
18. Can you urinate in front of another person?
A. Many times and in many places.
19. Would you be willing to go to a slaughterhouse and kill a cow?
A. I’m a meat eater not a meat killer. We have specialists to handle that.
20. Would you be willing to murder an innocent person if it would end hunger in the world?
A. Absolutely not.
Those were my honest answers and it wasn’t as bad an experience as I thought it might be. The straight-up truth is always easier than trying to prevaricate or exaggerate.
As I read through the current event postings from across the Internet I surprisingly still see a lot of handwringing concerning airport screenings, TSA inappropriateness, and general all-around unhappiness with the process. I’ve flown my fair share over the years but I’ve never flown a great deal since 9/11 occurred. Members of my family have and I’m familiar with most of the screening processes that are being used now. And even though a great many terrorist threats have been eliminated or stopped by their screening, there remains a certain percentage of the population (ACLU) constantly complaining about screenings, profiling, racial bias, inappropriate searching, and anything else that comes to mind. I admit there’ve been some ridiculous reports of activities by TSA but overall they’re done a pretty good job as far as I can see. The following list is a short test for any of my readers out there who are the people that think TSA oversteps. Take this little test to help you understand why profiling is a legitimate tool and should be used as such. Then read the additional entries below the test and see how you feel then.
Do you remember?
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by: a. Olga Korbitt b. Sitting Bull c. Arnold Schwartzeneger d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by: a. Lost Norwegians b. Elvis c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
3. During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by: a. John Dillinger b. The King of Sweden c. The Boy Scouts d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by: a. A pizza delivery boy b. Pee Wee Herman c. Geraldo Rivera d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by: a. The Smurfs b. Davy Jones c. The Little Mermaid d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
STILL BATTING 1000 ?
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by: a. Captain Kid b. Charles Lindberg c. Mother Teresa d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by: a. Scooby Doo b. The Tooth Fairy c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by! : a. Richard Simmons b. Grandma Moses c. Michael Jordan d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by: a. Mr. Rogers b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill’s women problems c. The World Wrestling Federation d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted to a crash by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by: a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd b. The Supreme Court of Florida c. Mr. Bean d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against: a. Enron b. The Lutheran Church c. The NF! L d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by: a. Bonny and Clyde b. Captain Kangaroo c. Billy Graham d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
Nope, I really don’t see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? Let me continue on . . .
22 December 2001 – Shoe bomber: An al-Qaeda operative, Richard Reid, attempted but failed to detonate a bomb concealed in his shoes while on board a plane from Paris to Miami.
5 November 2009 – Fort Hood shooting: US Army Major Nidal Malik Hasan who serving as a Psychiatrist at Fort Hood, Texas opened fire on fellow service members resulting in 13 deaths and 29 wounded.
25 December 2009 – Underwear bomber: Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab attempted to blow up Northwest Airlines flight 253 but failed.
1 May 2010 – Time Square bomber: Faisal Shahzad ingnited a bomb in his vehicle parked in Times Square but the explosive device failed to detonate.
15 April 2013 – Boston Marathon bombing: Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev planted two bombs near the finish line of the Boston Marathon. The explosion killed three and injured over 180 people.
12 June 2016 – Orlando nightclub shooting: an American-born citizen of Afghan descent entered Pulse, a gay night club, and began shooting resulting in 49 deaths and 53 injured.
31 October 2017 – NYC truck attack: Sayfullo Saipov, who was inspired by ISIS used a rented Home Depot flatbed pickup truck to drive down a bike path killing eight and injurying 11.
6 December 2019 – Naval Air Station Pensacola shooting: Mohammed Saeed Alshamrani, an aviation student from Saudi Arabia, opened fire at the Naval Air Station Pensacola. The attack directed by al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula resulted in the death of three US Navy sailors and wounded eight.
(Sarcasm On) So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, TSA officers will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President’s security detail, and anyone else except for Muslim males between the ages 17 and 40. (Sarcasm off)
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