Archive for the ‘funny’ Tag
03/10/2022 😂Stupid Headline😂 Leave a comment
03/06/2022 ☘Limerick Alert☘ Leave a comment
I thought a few limericks were in order today. The first one was created just for my better-half’s sister. The remainder are just for fun.
There once was a lady from BelAir
Who had long and flowing hair.
When she jumped into bed,
she often hit her head,
but never disturbed a single hair.
❤❤❤
A health-care provider from Bloom
Wanted someone to paint her living room.
The price for a painter was high
But she knew how to be sexy and shy,
and hopefully the painting will be done soon.
❤❤❤
There are my two “G” rated limericks. I normally don’t post them, but these are being done for special people. Now I can get on with a few more interesting ones that have a little more “Oomph”.
At Fred’s flat a bouncy young whore
Started bouncing about on the floor.
“That does it!” said Fred.
“Now you’ve busted the bed!”
And dismounted and showed her the door.
💥💥💥
Daphne’s looks are completely imperial
And her style of lovemaking’s ethereal.
She’s erotically active
And intensely attractive.
What a shame her disease is venereal.
💥💥💥
ENJOY YOUR DAY OF REST
03/05/2022 “Advice” Leave a comment
As you already know, I’m not a fan of celebrity worship nor politicians. Today will be a treat for you because I’m going to supply with helpful advice as voiced by both groups. It’s entirely up to you whether you follow their advice as you will see as you read.
- “Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.” Harry S Truman
- “You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.” Al Capone
- “Never trust a man unless you got his pecker in your pocket.” Lyndon Baines Johnson
- “Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.” Gypsy Rose Lee
- “Rise early. Work late. Strike oil.” J. Paul Getty
- “Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.” Nelson Algren
- “There’s nothing to winning, really. That is, if you happen to be blessed with a keen eye, an agile mind, and no scruples whatsoever.” Alfred Hitchcock
- “To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it.” Cary Grant
- “Don’t let your mouth write a check that your tail can’t cash.” Bo Diddley
- “Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn’t want your mother to hear at the trial” Sydney Biddle Barrows (the Mayflower Madam).
WHO CAN ARGUE WITH THESE EXPERTS?
03/05/2022 👁🗨Stupid Headline👁🗨 2 comments
CONDOM TRUCK TIPS, SPILLS LOAD
03/03/2022 🚚Stupid Bumper Sticker Alert🚛 Leave a comment
After receiving a few requests, it’s time for more retro bumper stickers. I’ve actually found a number of them that I’m in the process of having reprinted for my own use. I could be convinced to stick them on a few cars whose drivers have aggravated me. I’m also working on one for people who park inappropriately, to stick on their windshields. I’m a baaaad man.
IF YOU’RE RICH, I’M SINGLE
I CAME, I SAW, I SHOPPED
WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA; NOW GO HOME
TRUST ME. I’M A LAWYER
MY OTHER CAR IS A BROOM
GO AHEAD, HIT ME. I’M NOT INSURED
NO NUKES IS GOOD NUKES
JUST SAY NO TO INNUENDO
I CAN’T DRIVE 55
HELP BEAUTIFY AMERICA, GET A HAIR CUT
MAKE POLAND OUR 51ST STATE
THE WEATHER IS HERE. WISH YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL
TV EVANGELISTS DO MORE THAN LAY PEOPLE
HUGS ARE BETTER THAN DRUGS
NEVER PLAY LEAP FROG WITH A UNICORN
And Here’s My Favorite:
REALLY NICE GUYS FINISH LAST. I FINISH FIRST
03/03/2022 💤Limerick Alert💤 2 comments
I’m sending these rather bawdy limericks along after receiving a few requests for a raunchier selection. I’m nothing if not a people pleaser, so here they are. That’s right, you know who you are!!
A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
Thought it very, very foolish to place
Her hand on your cock
When it turned hard as a rock,
For fear it would explode in her face.
😎😎😎
An innocent boy from Lapland
Was told that fucking was grand.
But at his first trial
He said with a smile,
“I’ve had the same feeling by hand.”
😋😋😋
A nymphomaniacal Italian nurse
With a curse that was worse than perverse
She stuck a rotary drill
Up her twat, for a thrill . . .
And they carted her off in a hearse.
😁😁😁
There once was a young man of Savannah,
Who met his end in a curious manner.
He diddled a hole
In a telephone pole
And electrified his banana.
🤬🤬🤬
Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village smithy he sat,
Amusing himself
By abusing himself
And catching the load in his hat.
02/27/2022 Go Sarah! Leave a comment
Right after I awoke this morning, I got online and was watching a blurb from one of Sarah Silverman’s podcasts. I’ve always been a fan of Silverman and I appreciate her views on a lot of subjects and love her comedy. She was talking briefly about being taken to task by Paris Hilton for some jokes made a number of years ago when Hilton seemed to be on every TV, every hour, and was just annoying as she could be. Sarah doesn’t need me to defend her because she’s more than capable of doing that job all by herself. I just thought I’d make a few comments of my own and exercise my Freedom of Speech. Please Ms. Hilton, “Shut the hell up”. I’m certain you will make sure you get as much media coverage as you can now that you’re a reformed celebrity and a wife. I’d better not see any honeymoon videos accidently released to the media as has happened a few times in the past. Just to let everyone know how I really see her, read a few of her ridiculous pearls of wisdom she insisted on sharing with the world.
- “Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.”
- There’s nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde, like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana and, right now, I’m that icon.”
- “I don’t think there’s ever been anyone like me that’s lasted.”
- “I hate when a guy brags … or he sweats.”
“OH, TO BE ABLE TO RETURN TO “THE SIMPLE LIFE”
SARAH SILVERMAN RULES ! ! !
02/27/2022 😖Stupid Headline🤓 Leave a comment
ONE ARMED MAN APPLAUDS
THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS
02/26/2022 Down Home Philosophy Leave a comment
William Penn Adair Rogers (November 4, 1879 – August 15, 1935) was an American vaudeville performer, actor, and humorous social commentator. He was born as a citizen of the Cherokee Nation, in the Indian Territory (now part of Oklahoma) and was known as “Oklahoma’s Favorite Son”. By the mid-1930s, he was hugely popular in the United States for his leading political wit and was the highest paid of Hollywood film stars. He died in 1935 with aviator Wiley Post when their small airplane crashed in northern Alaska.
That last paragraph is the current description of this man but barely does him justice. He and Mark Twain have always been my two favorite philosophers. I’ve read the writings of many of the ancient philosophers, but they are difficult to relate to. These two men always used wisdom delivered with biting humor to make their points and it was magical. Here is just a small sampling of his quotes which still ring true here in the twenty-first century. Enjoy . . .
- “After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him… The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.”
- “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
- “If America ever passes out as a great nation, we ought to put on our tombstone: America died from a delusion she had Moral Leadership.”
- “The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back.”
- “If you want to be successful, it’s just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.”
- “A man only learns by two things; one is reading, and the other is association with smarter people.”
- “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
HE NEVER MET A MAN HE DIDN’T LIKE
02/24/2022 More Isaac Azimov Leave a comment
As I stated on so many occasions, I am a rabid science-fiction fan. I’ve been reading science fiction material since I was a kid when I found a copy of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea in a box of trash near a neighbor’s home. While admittedly there’s a lot of crap out there calling itself science-fiction, the classics remain the classics. Two days ago, I started reading the Foundation Series by Isaac Asimov again. As a young man I read it the first time but to understand it at that age was difficult. I’ve read the entire series three times since and every time I find more things I missed. As I began to read it again my thoughts came back to Isaac Asimov himself and the fact that he was not only an incredible writer but also wrote many outrageous and bawdy limericks. I thought I pass a few of those along to you today because he really knew how to craft limericks. Here are a few . . .
A gourmet’s delight is Priscilla
For her breath’s a distinct sarsaparilla.
One breast tastes of thyme
The other of lime
And her vaginal flavor’s vanilla.
💥💥💥
There was a young lady named Lynne
Who said,” I’m prepared to begin
Any sort of activity
That suits my proclivity
Provided it counts as a sin.”
💥💥💥
As a poet, a young man named Buck
Was utterly lacking in luck.
He tried limericks (lecherous)
But found rhyming quite treacherous
And to rhyme “Buck” and “Luck” left him stuck.
💥💥💥
To her lover said pretty young Julie,
“I don’t want to alarm you unduly.
I don’t intend blame
And yet, all the same,
You’ve produced a small pregnancy, Truly!”
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE AZIMOV
everyuselessthing.com 