Archive for the ‘limericks’ Tag
It’s officially Fall here in Maine. The temperature has fallen and the winter clothing and extra blankets have been unpacked. I’m sure there are snowblowers all over the state being readied for what is sure to be coming. If that doesn’t depress you a little then nothing will. Today’s post contains limericks written in the late sixties and early seventies and should be considered poetry of a sort. They’ve even been categorized to make it easier for me to choose. Today’s theme will be “Virgins”. Enjoy!
*****
There was a young girl named Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
*****
There was a young fellow name Gluck
Who found himself shit-out-of-luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don’t give a fuck.
*****
There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch.
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
*****
A religious lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with prayer.”
*****
HAPPY MONDAY – HAVE A GREAT WEEK
I woke up at 4:45 am today and it’s still cold and miserable outside. It’s been raining for a day and a half and I hate it. I made the decision to stay in bed under my warm electric blanket and to watch one of my favorite movies, The Godfather. There’s nothing like an couple hours of senseless violence, mayhem and the occasional murder or two to get your day started. I then caught up on the days sport scores so as not to be totally uninformed. My coffee was hot but unfortunately none of my hometown teams (Pittsburgh) were. I’ve been wanting to post a few limericks this week and I’ve also got sports on my mind. What’s better than a few sporty limericks to kick off this crappy day.
*****
A batter, named Fatty McPhatter,
Had the gift of the gab with his patter.
“Whichever pitch comes,
I hit only home runs,
So the fact that I’m fat doesn’t matter.
*****
I used to shout The Yankees were playing the Mets
On a million home TV sets.
“A team from New York
Will be walking the walk!”
Said an analyst (hedging his bets)
*****
A golfer tries hard to survive,
With grit, dedication and drive.
“Inflation,” he’ll claim
“is affecting my game,
I used to shout ‘fore’, now it’s ‘five’.
*****
I’m giving the next pitch a bunt
Just a couple of inches in front.
So the boy on each base
Will all move round one base,
It’s a very unpopular stunt!
*****
I’VE STRUCK OUT
Here are a few cute limericks, some are written by kids and others written for kids. I hope you enjoy them.
By Colin McNaughton
Should a beast ever hunt you and find you,
He’d certainly crush you and grind you.
But here’s nothing to fear,
There are none around here,
GOOD HEAVENS! THERE’S ONE
RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!
😊😊😊
By Reg Lynes
I’ve eaten as much as I can,
I cannot digest one more gram.
I’m leaving the chips,
And the salady bits,
And the peas, and the eggs, and the ham.
🥰🥰🥰
By Margaret Brace
Archeologists dig at their leisure,
And it gives them a great deal of pleasure,
Not to mention bad backs,
As they fill up their sacks
With all sorts of muddy old treasure.
😜😜😜
By Amanda Chew
There was a young cannibal, Ned,
Who used to eat onions in bed.
His mother said “Sonny,
It’s not very funny –
Why don’t you just eat people instead?”
😏😏😏
ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE
It’s time once again for a few silly limericks circa 1960. These are fun limericks, and the creators will be listed if possible.
A cheerful old bear at the zoo
Could always find something to do.
When it bored him to go
On a walk to and fro,
He reversed it and walked fro and to.
😜😜😜
By Ogden Nash
A Bugler named Dougal MacDougal
Found ingenious ways to be frugal.
He learned how to sneeze
In various keys,
Thus, saving the price of a bugle.
😊😊😊
By Al Graham
A Martian named Harrison Harris
Decided he’d like to see Paris.
In space (so we learn)
He forgot where to turn
And that’s why he’s now on Polaris.
😏😏😏
By Berton Braley
Young Frankenstein’s robot invention
Caused trouble too awful to mention.
Its actions were ghoulish,
Which proves it is foolish
To monkey with Natures intention.
🥰🥰🥰
IT’S GOOD TO START A WEEK WITH SILLINESS
I’m always good for more limericks and today’s offering is from one of my favs, John Ciardi. I’ve been a huge fan of his limericks since reading the book he shared with Issac Azimov. Two crazy smart limerick aficionados.
For a friend . . .
In a lane, a young fellow named Cooper
Committed a terrible blooper.
He had his girl bare those with more
In his car, unaware
Of a vigilant nearby state trooper.
*****
A carefree young woman named Nola
At one time in a summer pergola
Took care of three men
Again and again
And did it on just Coca-Cola.
*****
A little adultery spices
Our lives, but just look at those prices!
If they charge all that dough,
Man can’t buy it, you know,
And there’ll be a frustrational crisis.
*****
The Times tells the world what is doing;
Who’s winning, who’s losing, who’s suing,
Whose striking, who’s stealing,
Who’s dying, whose healing,
But won’t say a word on who’s screwing.
*****
LIMERICKS RULE!
As much as I love bawdy limericks, I also love those written by the kids for other kids. And it’s also nice to know that another generation of limerick lovers and writers are waiting in the wings.
Amanda Chew – Age 13
There is a math teacher called Rundle
Who ties up his books in a bundle.
It’s too heavy he feels,
So, he puts it on wheels.
Now Rundle can trundle his bundle!
😊😊😊
Raymond Coleman – Age 11
There was a young lad called Davy
Who hated the food in the Navy.
He couldn’t have beef
In case his false teeth
Would drop out and fall in the gravy.
😜😜😜
Mark Rothery – Age 8
A certain young goalie named Finn
Lost count of the goals he let in.
When his coach bawled “Eight!”
He replied, quite sedate:
“Then we only need nine goals to win!”
😄😄😄
Rebecca Telford – Age 7
There was a brown dog named Spot
Who tied up his tail with a knot,
To remember his bone
Which he left back at home
When he sometimes went out for a trot.
😏😏😏
GIVE A HAND TO THESE FUTURE POETS
Let’s put an end to this week with a few cute and clean limericks. While most of us really enjoy the racier limericks there are many readers out there who enjoy a tamer version. Here we go . . .
There was an old man of Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
and as for the bucket, Nantucket.
😜😜😜
The bottle of perfume that Willie sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent.
Her thanks were so cold
They quarreled I’m told,
Through that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.
😃😃😃
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were caught, so what could they do?
Said the fly, “Let us flee.”
“Let us fly,” said the flea.
So, they flew through a flaw in the flue.
😗😗😗
There once were two cats of Kilkenny,
Each thought there was one cat too many.
So, they fought, and they fit,
And they scratched and they bit,
Till instead of two cats there weren’t any.
😂😂😂
TGIF
It’s time for a few limericks written primarily for kids and young adults. It’s nice for a change to post limericks that aren’t totally crude and for adults only. I like to offer an interesting selection and here we go . . .
😗😗😗
There was a young farmer of Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds,
It soon came to pass
He was covered with grass,
And he couldn’t sit down for the weeds.
😜😜😜
There was a young fellow of Perth,
Who was born on the day of his birth.
He was married, they say,
On his wife’s wedding day,
And he died when he quitted the earth.
😁😁😁
A certain young man of great gumption,
‘Mongst cannibals had the presumption
To go – but alack!
He never came back.
They say ’twas a case of consumption.
😊😊😊
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who had a great fondness for gherkins.
She went to a tea
And ate twenty-three,
Which pickled her internal workin’s.
HAPPY HUMP DAY
I decided that it was time to post a few limericks collected from a small and damaged book I discovered some months ago. It was published in 1980 and contains over 150 of the lewdest limericks I’ve ever seen. The great majority are so nasty I wouldn’t dare post them here, but I’ve found four of the more acceptable ones to give you an idea what I’m dealing with. Tell the kids to leave the room. Rated at least an “R”.
A worried young man from Stamboul
Discovered red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
“Get out of my clinic!
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool.
🍆🍩🍆
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And so loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls – and he had’em.
🍩🍆🍩
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?”
🍆🍩🍆
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but the wrong pew.
🍩🍆🍩
AND THESE WERE THE TAME ONES
It’s not often I get surprised especially by anonymous gifts from readers. My surprise occurred a few days ago when I received a fifty-page paperback booklet printed in 1999. It contains a collection of what are titled “Looney Limericks”. I haven’t the faintest idea who sent it but please consider this a big thank you, whoever you are. Here are a few samples of some clean and funny limericks apparently written for children.
There was a young man of Bengal
Who went to a masquerade ball.
He dressed, just for fun,
As a hamburger bun,
And a dog ate him up in the hall.
😊😊😊
A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd.
She was frightened and screamed very loud.
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed.
😊😊😊
There was an old man of Blackheath,
Who sat on his set of false teeth.
Said he, with a start!
“O Lord, bless my heart!
I’ve bitten myself underneath!”
😊😊😊
There once was a hungry old leopard
Who brought home a skinny young shepherd.
Said the leopard, “I feel
That you’ll make a good meal
Once you’re properly salted and peppered.
😊😊😊
HANG IN THERE, IT’S ALMOST FRIDAY
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