I’m about to write a short story which is a multilevel PSA (Public Service Announcement). I’ll explain what that means in a few minutes but first I wanted to mention a video I watched on Facebook a few days ago. It was a home video taken by Taylor Swift’s mother a short while after she’d had her wisdom teeth removed. She was a bit loopy, confused, and hysterically funny. I laughed along with everyone else until I sat down and started thinking about when I had my wisdom teeth removed. I’ve written about it in the past and it’s still funny now, but it wasn’t funny then as you’ll see.
It’s March of 1974, Richard Nixon resigned the presidency, gas is $.55 a gallon, and I’m getting my damn wisdom teeth removed. I’m a 28-year-old police officer who was being driven to the dentist by his wife anticipating I wouldn’t be able to drive home. The dentist puts me in the chair, fills me with an anesthesia, and removes the wisdom teeth. I woke up a short time later in a side room and had no idea who or where I was. I’m force-fed a painkiller that in company with the residual anesthesia left me a damn zombie. I’m loaded into my car and driven a short distance to a local drugstore to pick up my painkiller prescription and ordered by my wife to stay in the car.
It’s March and it’s cold so I turn on the heater, close the windows, and relax. But only for a moment. Being the conscientious police officer I was, I remembered that I’d left my loaded pistol in the glove compartment. I removed the pistol, popped out the magazine, and placed it in my pocket. So far, so good. Out of habit I took the unloaded weapon and aimed it casually at the end of my foot and dry fired. Oops, I forgot about the round in the chamber and being a relatively good shot, I hit what I aimed at. The bullet punched a neat round hole through the toe of my shoe, removed a small crescent shaped chunk from the side of my big toe, on through the floor of the car, hitting the pavement and ricocheting into the passenger side tire.
I was hammered and stunned all at the same time. The car was filled with smoke, I couldn’t hear a thing and found myself laughing hysterically. In fact, the sound of the shot in the car deafened me for about 15 minutes. My wife arrived, opened the door, and four or five F-bombs later finally asked me if my foot was okay. Of course, her first priority was the tire, seeing as it was her car.
The moral of the story is simple. First never, ever, handle a gun while “stoned” with legal or illegal drugs. Secondly, never operate machinery, vehicles, or small pistols while taking painkillers, and thirdly, never trust a smiling dentist or a soon-to-be ex-wife. That’s my tale of woe and my admission to sheer stupidity. I’m hanging my head in shame even remembering it again. It sounds just as stupid now as it did then. What was I thinking? I obviously wasn’t.
I’ve been a fan of the Darwin Awards for many years. I’m not sure why I enjoy reading about stupid people dying in stupid ways, but I do. Here’s a headline I happened upon as I was surfing this morning. If anyone deserved a Dumb💩💩Award it’s this genius.
Dad of three crushed to death under BMW as he tried to steal a catalytic converter.
My blog is called everyuselessthing for a reason. Two of the many useless things I like to address on a regular basis are stupidity and political correctness. Whether it’s politicians, celebrities, or your normal run-of-the-mill idiots, stupidity is found everywhere. While I do get quite a tingle shedding light on many of these folks I think it’s only fair that I pass along to each of you the skills needed to identify them from a distance. So read on people and get educated. Here’s a clarifying definition.
Stupidity is a quality or state of being stupid, or an act or idea that exhibits properties of being stupid. According to the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word’s stupid and stupidity entered the English language in 1541. Since then, stupidity has taken place along with “fool”, “idiot”, “dumb”, “moron”, and related concepts as a pejorative appellation for human misdeeds, whether purposeful or accidental. Read on . . .
The Fundamental Laws of Human Stupidity
Always and inevitably each of us underestimates the number of stupid individuals in circulation.
The probability that a given person is stupid is independent of any other characteristic possessed by that person.
A person is stupid if they cause damage to another person or group of people without experiencing personal gain, or even worse causing damage to themselves in the process.
Non-stupid people always underestimate the harmful potential of stupid people; they constantly forget that at any time anywhere, and in any circumstance, dealing with or associating themselves with stupid individuals invariably constitutes a costly error.
A stupid person is the most dangerous type of person there is.
Now that you have these basic laws of human stupidity you are well on your way to becoming an expert “idiot and moron” spotter. What better way to protect your family than being able to spot the fools before they can infect innocent passers-by with the “stupidity virus”. One pandemic is more than enough for us to handle these days. The following definition is just another clue you can use to find these idiots and morons. They almost always suffer from this affliction (PC) as well.
Political Correctness (adjectivally, objectively, politically correct; both forms commonly abbreviated to PC) is a term which denotes language, ideas, policies, and behavior seen as seeking to minimize social and institutional offense in occupational, gender, racial, cultural, sexual context, and doing so to an excessive extent. In current usage, the term is primarily pejorative, while the term “politically correct” has been used as an implicitly positive self-description.
BEWARE MY FRIENDS . . . STAY ALERT . . . THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE
I profess to be an anti-stupidity warrior and I’m proud of that title. I’m constantly pointing out the fools in our political system because they make it so damn easy. They’re “targets of opportunity” and the “gifts that keep on giving”. In recent months I’ve been much kinder to these folks because I’ve begun to feel sorry for them. Most of them are so clueless they don’t even realize what they’re doing and saying and how it’s being perceived by us low-life, mouth-breathing, and unwashed peons.
With that in mind I thought I’d broaden my search for non-political dopes who are also making themselves famous in their own right. We’ve all had exposure to the Darwin Awards which primarily deal with idiots and how they kill themselves. I’d hate to infringe on their area of expertise when so I’ll just stick to the common, everyday, garden-variety, dopes who make me smile. These following blurbs I’ve picked up over the years and are stories of real people told by other real people. Enjoy them.
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Our phones went dead and I had to call the phone repair people from a public phone.. They promised to be out between 8 a.m. and 7 pm. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, he asked and I quote, “Would you like us to call before we come?”
I live in a semi-rural area. We had a new neighbor call the local town hall administrative offices to request the removal of a deer crossing sign on our road. Reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and she no longer wanted them crossing there.
My friend and her daughter went to a local Taco Bell to order some tacos. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce”. He said he was sorry but they only had iceberg.
A friend was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” She said, if it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled and nodded knowingly and stated, “That’s why we ask.
I once worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her, could not understand why her computer system wouldn’t turn on.
When my friend and his spouse arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, they were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As my friend watched from the passenger side, he instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. Hey, he said to the technician, “you know it’s open.” “I already got that side” was the immediate answer.
I’ll bet if you spent ten minutes a day you could compile a list much larger than this one in just a few days. They’re out there in big numbers just waiting to be recognized and it’s our duty as fine upstanding citizens to give them all the credit they deserve.
February it seems is a rather boring and utterly useless month. It’s two biggest holidays are Groundhog Day and Valentines Day which says a lot about relevance to me.
It’s such a slow short month that all of our overpaid politicians are forced into action to show the electorate they’ll actually are doing something, even if it’s in February. I can’t list all of the observance that have been piled up into the shortest month of the year because there are just too damn many. The following partial list contains a few weekly observances for this week that will help make my point.
Celebration of Love Week: 7-13th
Children of Alcoholics Week: 7-13th
Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week: 7-14th
Dump Your Significant Jerk Week: 7-13th
Have A Heart for A Chained Dog Week: 7-14th
Jell-O Week: 7-13th
National Secondhand Wardrobe Week: 7-13th
Love Makes the World Go Round; But, Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week: 8-14th
I can just see and hear a group of politicos sitting in a local tavern on any given Friday night telling war stories to each other concerning all of their weeks accomplishments. "I finally got that ‘Dump Your Jerk Week’ observance passed. It’s been a year of hard work getting it pushed through and I was forced to call in all of my IOU’s to do it. It was exhausting work but someone had to finally get it done." His buddy sitting nearby had to do a little one-upmanship, "I had a tough week too. That observance of ‘Love Makes the World Go Round; But, Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week’ was a killer. I spent six months arm twisting damn near everyone to get it passed. The United States is now a better place for it."
I found only two daily observance for February 10th and they are just as stupid. I had to look up the word PLIMSOLL to discover it’s some sort of an athletic shoe. Who knew?
Plimsoll Day
All The News That’s Fit To Print Day
So a great big THANK YOU goes out to those geniuses responsible for cluttering up our lives with more useless crap. We shouldn’t be allowed to vote until we’ve been made to review all of these stupid observances to find out what politicians are responsible for them.
Every so often I read or hear something that sets my teeth on edge. In recent years it’s been this constant drumbeat of hatred between the global religions. If you’re one of those people who can’t abide religious criticism, I suggest you stop reading now. It’s not that I mind offending you because I don’t . . . it’s just a courtesy and fair warning. I’m sick to death of hearing about Islam, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, and the numerous Christian sects. How long can the human race on this planet continue to sit back and allow themselves to be manipulated as they’re convinced by organized religions to commit the most heinous crimes you can imagine?
I’d hate to guess how many people have died over the centuries in the defense of religion and their ingrained hatred of everyone else’s. From the Crusades, to Northern Ireland, to the Middle East, and beyond. The total number of deaths is almost unimaginable. Every religion that has ever existed has their own set of commandments to live by and all of them seem to agree that murder is a big no-no until it involves another religion. Then they get some special dispensation from some insane religious leader, grab their weapons, and off they go to murder and butcher anyone who doesn’t agree with them. Yeah, that really makes me want to become religious.
If being stupid and brainwashed is a requirement for me to be considered a religious person you can just forget it! So a big hats-off to all those devoted Christians who can’t even agree amongst themselves, to the Muslim religion who suffers from the same affliction, and the Jews who aren’t much better. Even the Buddhists piss me off when they claim to want calm and peace in the world, then set themselves on fire in protest of some stupid thing or another. I’m not quite ready to sign up for that anytime soon either. Suicide is nuts regardless of the circumstances.
My own history with religion leaves much to be desired. I apparently wasn’t a good Catholic boy when I was thrown out of catechism classes for reading a dirty magazine. I think it was an issue of Giant Boobs or something like that. My late mother and I fought for fifty years as she tried to coerce me back to that same church teaching the same old nonsense. Oh yeah, don’t forget to donate that 10% every year too, God really needs the money. Still not gonna happen Mom!
Recently I took to wearing this T-shirt. Everyone seems to be in such a big hurry these days to label others. He’s Jewish, she’s Catholic, he’s Protestant, and she’s an atheist. In order to make life easier for those people I decided to wear my label proudly. I’ve been called so many things over the years I just felt the need to clear up any confusion.
Many years ago I heard this quote on religion by Charles Caleb Cotton (1780–1832), an English cleric, and it stuck with me. Every time I find myself in a heated religious discussion with some fanatic I’d bring it out to enhance the discussion.
"Men will wrangle for religion, write for it, fight for it, die for it, anything but live for it."
Today has suddenly become a day of rest. It wasn’t planned this way but I’m nothing if not flexible when it comes to loafing. My better-half is gone to work, the cat is snoring at the bottom of the bed, and I’m watching an old rerun of Unsolved Mysteries while I type. I had a bit of a scare yesterday so I’m relaxing today and trying to recuperate. And of course it was a case of sheer stupidity on my part.
I awoke yesterday, had a cup of coffee, and then immediately headed for the treadmill for forty minutes of fun and torture. That workout is fairly intense and I’m usually soaked and exhausted after I’ve finished. I then took a short ride to Lowe’s to see my girl and to buy some supplies for what I hoped would be my last project of the summer. I purchased 25 gallon of driveway sealer and returned home intending to store the cans and to do the job another day.
During the ride home I kept thinking about the project and convinced myself I could get it done today. The weather was in the eighties and the sun was beating down. The perfect day for this type of project I thought. I swept the driveway, changed my clothes, and got to it.
In my bicycling days I was always told to avoid dehydration, "drink when your not thirsty". One one occasion I fell from my bike during a 100 mile ride because I hadn’t consumed enough water. I ended up in a clinic being treated after almost passing out. Did I follow that hydration rule today? Of course not! I was in a hurry to get the job completed so I started immediately without drinking anything.
An hour later I’m still at it, my clothes are soaking wet, and all of a sudden my legs gave out forcing me to sit in the yard for a few minutes to catch my breath. I knew what was happening so I slowly made my way into the house for water. I drank two bottles of water and sat for a bit to cool off. I should have stopped at that point but the job was only half done and I wanted to finish. I returned to it after putting on a hat and drinking another bottle of water.
Another half hour goes by and I find myself so weak I can barely stand. I sat down right where I was and couldn’t get up. It took almost five minutes before I had the strength to move and return to the house. More water and rest which didn’t help all that much. I knew I only had about ten more minutes of work to finish the job and decided to just do it, regardless of how I was feeling. That was stupid mistake number three. I finished the job and barely had enough strength to return to the house. I took a cold shower and drank more water but felt no better.
For the rest of the day and well into the night I wasn’t myself. I couldn’t focus on any one thing and had lost my appetite completely. I also slept badly during the night but it seems this morning I’m pretty much back to normal. I still feel a little shaky but better.
I’m only relating this story as a warning to others not to be as stupid as I’ve been. I could just as easily have dropped over and ended up in an ambulance rushing me to a hospital. This is from a person who knew better but said the hell with the circumstances, I can handle it. I couldn’t. It was more than a little scary but I guess it takes absolute terror to get through to me.
Remember to hydrate before your thirsty, while your thirsty, and again after you’re no longer thirsty. This has been my first and hopefully last health related Public Service Announcement.
I’ve been fighting the good fight against political correctness for more years than I care to admit. All in all it’s made no difference whatsoever. It hasn’t changed my thinking in the least but I’m out numbered by people and government institutions that have more money and power than I. They’ve made political correctness a permanent part of the American landscape and I’m not sure what it will take to get us back on track. The only thing I’m absolutely sure is that I won’t be alive to see the change if it ever comes.
I’ll continue to fight the good fight and ridicule those politically correct fools whenever possible and use my sarcasm as a weapon against them. With that in mind I present for your edification the following article. It was sent to me by a long time friend in KC who is another warrior against political correctness. It made me laugh and then after I thought about it some more I stopped laughing. You sports fanatics will appreciate this.
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I agree with our Native American population—I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as warriors, but nay nay…. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let’s ditch The Kansas City Chiefs, The Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your panties are in a bunch because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns as well.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of the militant Blacks from the 60’s alive. Gone. Offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war between the states that cost this country so many young men’s lives. Besides, the South shall rise again!!
I’m also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our football team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. The fact that there are birds on their shirts does not protect either the Arizona or the St. Louis Cardinals—gone!
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged as their way of life. We are talking the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children—and it is all about the children. The Green Bay Packers and the St. Louis Rams–promote gay men. Wrong message to our children.
The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity–a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Drugs is definitely a wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers—well, that goes without saying…. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. A high priority directly behind efficiently managing our country’s health care.
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We will soon be watching the Unicorns vs Kittens on Sunday afternoons. GO UNICORNS, KICK THE HELL OUT OF THEM KITTENS! Can I get an amen?
As we progress through these times of trouble I sit back and watch what our politicians have put forth for consideration to solve our problems. Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, and Independents are almost interchangeable with only a few minor exceptions. The one true common denominator is their desperate need for reelection and their ability to BS and double talk around the tough questions.
(Sarcasm on) They have a tough job, no question. (Sarcasm off) Excellent salary, best medical benefits ever (exempt from Obamacare), best pension and retirement plan, and the ability to sell themselves to any lobbying organization once they’ve been ousted from office. I think it’s time we the public should use the most important and only tool we have, something called the vote. After watching these inept politicians for the last few years it’s becoming painfully obvious who they really care about. THEMSELVES! If they want to be reelected we must make them earn it. Being swayed by charisma and ignoring the facts will be the death of this nation.
I try to point out as often as possible that stupidity is running amok in the government because it’s becoming more obvious and overwhelming and I need to vent. It’s our responsibility to take the time to look and recognize it for what it is and to stop it. Stupidity is not a new thing to this government or to any other. These following definitions may assist you in identifying those in government who are truly stupid and acting against our collective best interests.
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STUPIDITY
1. Slow to learn or understand; obtuse.
2. Tending to make poor decisions or careless mistakes.
3. Marked by a lack of intelligence or care; foolish or careless: a stupid mistake.
4. Dazed, stunned, or stupefied.
5. Pointless; worthless: a stupid job.
n.
A stupid or foolish person.
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Now that you have the definitions in hand, look around, identify those who fit the bill and vote them out. No party or group should be permitted to continuously make decisions against the best interests of us all. As this year comes to an end it’s time to look at the results of this administration’s efforts and ask the big question. Do we want more of the same or is it time for real change, not some insincere election slogan repeated over and over again. The next presidential election is fast approaching and I hope we as a people choose intelligently this time.
“Wooden-headedness consists of assessing a situation in terms of preconceived, fixed notions while ignoring or rejecting any contrary signs. It is acting according to wish while not allowing one-self to be confused by the facts.” – Barbara Tuchman (1912-1989) “An Inquiry into the Persistence of Unwisdom in Government”
“In public affairs, stupidity is more dangerous than knavery.” – Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924) “The New Freedom: A Call for the Emancipation of the Generous Energies of a People”
“Kid, life’s hard. But it’s a lot harder if you’re stupid.” – Robert Mitchum (1917-1997) In Tom Tico, letter to the San Francisco Chronicle, 29 July 1997.
I know a lot of you folks are already gearing up for the holidays. The month of November begins the insanity that is Thanksgiving, Christmas, and then New Years. For me I find Veterans Day to be more important than the others. I assume that most vets feel the same way. I don’t like making a big deal out of it on this blog because for me it’s more of a private and solemn occasion. I’ll thank any vet who has served this country and I honor those who gave their lives in it’s defense. That’s all you’ll hear today from me. I see no need for patriotic songs and fancy memorials. Just a quiet minute and a bowed head and I’m good.
I expect that everyone is already being bombarded by that good old Christmas spirit since most retailers filled their shelves with Christmas cheer before Halloween. I find that unfortunate but not unexpected. I suppose it’s just a matter of time before they start pushing Christmas sometime in August. Spend, Spend, Spend! That’s becoming an almost religious mantra in this country and I don’t see it stopping anytime soon.
I made a quick review of some national observances for the month of November and it’s mind boggling. Who knew this month was so damn important. It’s also mind boggling just how much time our well paid and self-involved representatives have wasted having these observances enacted. This list is only the monthly observances. There are an additional 28 weekly and 128 daily observances I didn’t bother listing. If we truly trust in our legislators to do the right thing then we should be celebrating each and every one of them. So folks, in the future we should all take November off and party like the fools that we are. Find an observance you like and then celebrate it.
Adopt A Senior Pet Month Link American & National Diabetes Month American Indian Heritage Month Link (See also August) Aviation History Month Banana Pudding Lovers Month Diabetic Eye Disease Month Epilepsy Awareness Month Link Family Stories Month Link Gluten-Free Diet Awareness Month Greens and Plantains Month Link Historic Bridge Awareness Month Link International Drum (Percussion) Month Link Lung Cancer Awareness Month Manatee Awareness Month Link MADD’s Tie One On For Safety Holiday Campaign (11/16-12/31) Military Family Appreciation Month Link National Adoption Month National PPSI AIDS Awareness Month National Alzheimer’s Disease Month National COPD Month Link National Family Caregivers Month Link National Georgia Pecan Month National Home Care & Hospice Month Link National Impotency Month Link National Inspirational Role Models Month National Life Writing Month National Long-term Care Awareness Month National Marrow Awareness Month National Medical Science Liaison (MSL) Awareness & Appreciation Month Link National Native American Heritage Month Link National Family Literacy Month National Novel Writing Month Link National Peanut Butter Lovers Month National Pet Cancer Awareness Month National Pomegranate Month Link National PPSI Aids Awareness Month National Roasting Month Link National Scholarship Month Link Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month Link Plum and Pomegranate Month Link Prematurity Awareness Month Link PTA Healthy Lifestyles Month Link Spinach and Squash Month Link Sweet Potato Awareness Month Link (See also February) NoSHAVEmber (US – Beard Month or November (Australia – Moustache Month ) Vegan Month Worldwide Bereaved Siblings Month World Sponge Month
I’m exhausted just reading this list let alone paying any attention to it. With Thanksgiving on the horizon don’t forget to be thankful for our politicians of both parties for doing their part in screwing up this country like none of our enemies have been able to do. Darwin’s quote is very telling these days.
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