Today is as good a day as any to be silly. Here are fifteen quotes from a group of somewhat silly people. I do suspect some of them aren’t as silly as they seem to be.
“Always look out for Number One and be careful not to step in Number Two.” Rodney Dangerfield
“Men are superior to women. For one thing they can urinate from a speeding car.” Willl Durst
“Men are nicotine-soaked, beer-besmirched, whiskey-greased, red-eyed devils.” Carry Nation
“Every time I look at you, I get the fierce desire to be lonesome.” Oscar Levant
“Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself. Mae West
“Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.” Bob Rubin
“This gum tastes funny.” Sign on a condom machine.
“It’s OK to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don’t point.” Will Durst
“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Sigmund Freud
“Formula for Success: Rise early, work hard, strike oil.” John Paul Getty
“I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.” Henny Youngman
“The toughest part of being on a diet is shutting up about it.” Gerald Nachman
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” A. Whitney Brown
“Your medical tests results are in. You’re short, fat, and bald.” Ziggy
“My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.” Emo Philips
I don’t know about you, but the last week of news seems to have taken over any and all discussions about everything. Today is as good a day as any for a break from the landslide of BS from the liberal left. I’ll supply all of you with some bawdy humor to take the edge off of all the whining and crying I’ve been hearing. Turmoil is exactly what this government needs but we mustn’t let them destroy our sense of humor along with it. If these jokes make anyone smile then that’s a “mission success” for me.
It was his wedding night, and the minister finished undressing in the bathroom and walked into the bedroom. He was surprised to see that his bride had already slipped between the sheets. “My dear,” he said, “I thought I would find you on your knees.” She said, “Well, honey, I can do it that way too, but it gives me the hiccoughs.”
👴🏻👴🏻👴🏻
Here’s one for my fellow retirees.
***
So, this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny flat on the lower east side when the husband said, “Doris, we’re in bad shape. Inflation has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn’t due until next week and we’ve got no money for food.” “Could I do anything to help?” she asked. “Yes” he said. “I hate to see you do this but it’s the only way. You’re going to have to go out and hustle your ass on the street.” “Me?” she said. “At the age of sixty-five?” “It’s the only way,” he said. Resigned to the situation, she went out into the hot night. She came staggering early the next morning. “How did you do?” asked the husband. “Here,” she said, “I’ve got four dollars and ten cents.” “Four dollars and ten cents,” he said. “Who gave you the ten cents?” “Everybody,” she exclaimed.
👮🏻♀️👮🏻♀️👮🏻♀️
And finally, one for our law enforcement community.
Would you consider yourself a superstitious person? Most people don’t think they are but when questioned further the truth always comes out. Superstition comes in a number of forms but today I want to talk about the number 13. We are a technological people creating devices and accomplishments that boggle the mind. Why is it that there are no buildings in this country with a 13th floor. That fact is absolutely ridiculous for a modern country leading the world in so many areas. Here are some other examples of how stupid and superstitious we really are.
The fear of the number 13 or “triskaidekaphobia” seems to have been around a long time. Viking mythology claims thirteen guests were seated at Loki’s Valhalla feast. Also, there were thirteen attendees at the Last Supper.
Friday is also considered an unlucky because it was day of the crucifixion. It is claimed that Adam and Eve also ate the forbidden fruit on a Friday. That would surely make Friday the 13th a double whammy.
Winston Churchill, former British prime minister, never traveled on a Friday the 13th unless absolutely necessary.
Graham Chapman of Monty Python fame arranged to be buried on the 13th hour of Friday, October 13th, 1989.
Benny Goodman and former vice-president Hubert Humphrey died on Friday the 13th.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a Friday the 13th.
On March 13, 1992, a violent earthquake in Turkey killed more than a thousand people.
In 1972 on a Friday, a plane crashed in the Andes without food and water compelling the survivors to turn to cannibalism to stay alive.
On Friday, October 13, 1307, King Philip IV of France ordered the arrest and torture of all members of the Knights Templar on charges of heresy.
German bombs hit Buckingham Palace on Friday, September 13th, 1940, during World War II.
I know there are millions of Disney fans in this country and maybe not as many they’d like due to recent political choices made by their management. My better-half surprised me with an article dated July 1993 containing a Disney World trivia quiz. Please don’t email me to tell me that some of the answers aren’t accurate because this retro quiz contains information that’s thirty-two years old. Here are ten questions for those true Disney lovers out there. As always, the answers will be posted below.
Mickey’s Starland opened in 1988 with a different name. What was the name and why?
How many countries are included in World Showcase? Name them in order around the lagoon.
What is the name of the shipwrecked boat atop Mount Mayday at Typhon lagoon?
What is the name of the first hotel ever constructed at Walt Disney World?
The Empress Lillie at the Disney Village Marketplace is named after what lucky lady?
What is the name of the largest water slide at Typhon Lagoon?
What two colonial cities inspired the design of The Hall of Presidents in the Magic Kingdom?
What is the hat size of the Mickey Mouse ears atop the Disney-MGM Studios Theme Park’s landmark, the Eiffel Tower?
The Magic of Disney Animation at Disney’s-MGM Studios Theme Park is narrated by two famous personalities? Who are they?
What Disney World resort is home to Doubloon Lagoon, a themed swimming pool with a serpent?
🐭🐭🐭
Answers
Mickey’s Birthdayland (his 60th), 11- Mexico-Norway-China-Germany-Italy-USA-Japan-Morocco-France-England-Canada, The Miss Tilly, The Contemporary, Walt’s wife Lillian, Humunga Kowagunga, Philadelphia & Boston, 342 1/2, Robin Williams & Walter Cronkite, Magic Journeys.
I thought today I’d share a few samples of poetry written by children. I love good poetry, but it seems to me that the poems written by the young are much more genuine that some of the not-so-wonderful professional poets. I prefer simple and beautiful poetry like the following. The subject of these poems is SUMMER.
❣️
By Gillian Sellers, Age 9, England
Summer is golden,
Summer is green,
The freshly cut grass.
Down, down, down, we go, from the peak of the hill,
I thought it might be interesting to have a general quiz of our American government’s history, past and present. As in all of my other quizzes the answers will be posted at the end of the post. I scored a measly 5 correct answers because some of these questions are a bit silly. Have fun with it.
What two states claim the designation of being the Sunshine State?
What US city is almost at the same latitude as Mexico City?
What often played American song’s tune, meter, and verse were borrowed from an English drinking song?
What does verdigris have to do with the Statue of Liberty?
What is the most stolen street sign in New York City?
What is the only place below sea level in the US that isn’t located in the California desert?
What is the name of the boulevard on which the gold depository is located at Fort Knox?
What name was originally considered by Walt Disney for Disneyland?
In 1992 the governor of Hawaii received a petition containing 30,000 signatures to change the name of the island of Maui. What was that suggested name?
How many chests of tea were dumped overboard at the Boston Tea Party on 12/16,1773?
Answers
Florida & South Dakota, Hilo Hawaii, The Star-Spangled Banner, It’s the green patina on the copper metal, Hooker Place, New Orleans, Bullion Boulevard, Mickey Mouse Park, Gilligan’s Island, 342.
To say I’m pleased about the current situation in our country is the biggest understatement of my life. I’m not going to list all of the wonderful things I’ve been seeing and hearing because it would only get me inundated by hateful trolls of the liberal persuasion. This is a country that leads and has always been a source of “firsts”. It has always been the “first” to initiate programs and to do many things that the rest of the world just loves to endlessly talk about. Here’s what a little bit of my research found out about some other “firsts” here in the good old U.S. of A.
The world’s “first” underwater tunnel., the Holland, opened in 1927 in New York under the Hudson River.
Tiros I was the “first” weather satellite launched.
Rev. John Mitchell of Oklahoma, in 1909, organized the “first” troop of the Boy Scouts of America.
In 1958 the “first” commercial jet service, National Airlines, began regular flights between New York and Miami.
In 1995 the Walt Disney company released Toy Story, the “first” film entirely computer-generated.
In 1799 a 12-year-old North Carolina boy discovered gold for the “first” time.
In 1909 Admiral Robert Peary was the “first” man to reach the North Pole.
In 1927 Time magazine’s Man of the Year was Charles Lindbergh for his “first” solo transatlantic flight to Paris.
In 1914 the city of Cleveland installed the “first” traffic light.
The famous four-word phrase, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, was used for the “first” time in York, Pennsylvania in 1777.
Admiral Robert Peary
I could have listed many more ‘firsts”, but I think I’ve made my point. We Americans began as over-achievers when we landed in Plymouth and hopefully it will never stop. Let’s now be the first major power in history to clean up the mess of our Federal Government and begin to once again overachieve.
I ‘ve always enjoyed writing this blog because along with the fun interaction with readers I’m forced to continue my education into the use and misuse of the English language. Needless to say, after reading many of the somewhat illiterate emails I receive it’s obvious that more English needs to be taught at all levels of our education system and those of nearby countries. I suppose it would probably help a lot if the English language was mandated as the official language of this country, but until then my advice for potential legal immigrants is to learn passable conversational English and then go through the legal processes put in place to make you a future citizen. Unfortunately, that’s a subject for another day because today’s post is about WORDS.
Dr. Seuss is credited with the first use of the word “Nerd”.
The word “Geek” comes from the German word “geck” which means fool.
Another classier word for “stripper” is ecdysiast.
The longest made-up word in the Oxford English Dictionary is “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis”
In 1972 comedian George Carlin was arrested during a performance for publicly speaking seven unacceptable words: shit, piss, f*ck, c*nt, c**ksucker, motherf**ker, and tits. (I cleaned them up for all of you delicate types)
Only oysters, shellfish, and clams can be “shucked”.
There are 15 three letter words starting with the letter “Z”: zag, zap, zas, zax, zed, zee, zek, zep, zig, zin, zip, zit, zoa, zoo, and zuz. (That may help your Scrabble game)
The toughest tongue twister in the English language is “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep is sick.”
The word “earthling” was first used in Science Fiction in Robert Heinlein’s 1949 novel Red Planet.
After seeing the great response to my recent Cowboy/Western limericks, I decided to expand my Cowboy/Western repertoire to include some western humor that was once appreciated by some of our older generations. To me, funny is funny, regardless of when it was introduced so get out those Cowboy hats, have a cold beer, and give me a huge YEE HAW!
The worst record ever cut came out of a local Nashville studio. The song is so bad it’s already replaced capital punishment in 15 states. It’s also #1 on the Billboard charts throughout Central America.
A scientist in Tennessee has spent twenty years studying the mating habits of the Smokey Mountain squirrels. His findings will be released to the public in a new book titled: “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex in a Nutshell.”
A rancher paid an enormous stud fee for the use of a neighbor’s prize bull. The bull had a choice of twenty lovely cows, but a month went by and nothing happened. Finally, the rancher called his friend and complained. “Relax, “soothed the studs owner. “He’s just not in the moo-o-o-o-d!”
FRONTIER FACT
Since no insurance was available to the early settlers our ancestors really went west in “uncovered” wagons.
C & W POETRY:
There once was a singer name Dolly
Who had loads of great talent by golly.
She out croons the rest
But the best is her chest
That shakes like a quake when she’s jolly.
Did you hear about the country boy who became a nudist. He wanted to get his soul and body in Harmony. Harmony’s father shot him.
A girl was hired to wait tables in a Country/Western nightclub. She was given a cowboy hat, boots, and a very scanty outfit. Being the modest type, she stood in front of the dressing room mirror for thirty minutes adjusting the costume until she was satisfied that she was showing as little as possible. She walked nervously into the barroom and went to work. Later that evening her boss called her aside. “Well, did you like the job? The people?” “Yes sir”, she replied. And how are your tips?”, he asked. “Oh God”, she muttered. “Do they show?”
Being a huge fan of trivia of all sorts, todays post is a quiz of World trivia. This is quite a difficult test and should challenge just about everyone taking it. If you consider yourself a trivia aficionado, then this quiz will definitely test your skills. As always, the answers will be posted at the end of this post. Good luck!
Which continent is the highest – with more than half of it 6,562 feet above sea level?
At what speed was the Titanic traveling when it struck the iceberg and sank on its 1912 maiden voyage?
What four Asian countries are known in economic circles as the Four Tigers?
Where is the White Sea?
What country includes the islands of New Britain and New Ireland?
Who was the first non-head of state – living or dead – to be depicted on a postage stamp?
What great ruler died of a nosebleed on his wedding night?
What was blamed for the death of Emperor Claudius and Tiberius, Czar Alexander I, Pope Clement VII and Charles V of France?
What is the most popular first name in the world?
What continent has no glaciers?
Answers
Antarctica, 22 knots-or just a little more than 25mph, Hong Kong-Singapore-South Korea-Taiwan, Russia, Papua New Guinea, Benjamin Franklin 1847, Atilla the Hun AD 453, Poison mushrooms, Muhammad, Australia
everyuselessthing.com 