Archive for the ‘Education’ Category
I’m posting a little later than I like today. I was stolen away by my better-half for a day of errands and Christmas shopping. I wasn’t thrilled but I’m trying to work on improving my Christmas spirit this year so I’ve been smiling and nodding a lot. That was my first mistake.
For those of you unfamiliar with Maine the “Holy Land” of shopping is the town of Freeport located approximately 10 miles north of Portland along the coast. It’s a small town composed primarily of an endless supply of outlet stores from damn near every retailer you can name. It’s always been a tradition for us and most Mainers to do some of our Christmas shopping there and to spend more than a little time doing it.
This year was the first time we’ve actually gone to Freeport before Thanksgiving and Black Friday (Thank God). The stores weren’t too crowded and finding parking was a snap for a change. Our first stop was my favorite place called Mexicali Blues. It’s actually a modern day version of what once was considered a “head shop” minus the bongs and roach clips.
If you like extremely bright colors and off-the-wall apparel, this is the place. I never miss a chance to visit and I always buy something interesting. Today I picked up a few wild and crazy stocking stuffers for some of the family members. I just love the place.
Smoke a fat doobie, sit on the sofa, and contemplate on this bird. That’s sure to get your head and your Christmas season kick-started. If you choose to do that I’d recommend a huge bag of Lays wavy potato chips and lots of wine.
Another stop that is always mandatory in Freeport is a visit to L.L. Bean. The crowds were small and the better-half was able to take her time (like always) and buy a few small things for the family.
I waited until the appropriate time to start complaining. I was hungry, I needed coffee, my feet hurt, and anything else I could think of. Being subtle with the better-half is a losing battle. I just have to blurt things out until she gets tired of hearing me. Sometimes it takes a while but it always works eventually.
We made it home in record time and I was able to put anther day of shopping hell behind me. I guarantee you I’ll be hiding for the rest of the holiday season in places the better-half won’t look. Wish me luck, I’ll need it.
It’s morning, it’s daylight, it’s cold, and I’m in my toasty bed reading a little Edgar A. Poe. I occasionally fall back to the classics when I’m bored with reading my normal stuff and today is one of those days.
‘He’s got Trump Hair’
I’m not a fanatic about poetry like some, but I will read a little if and when I have time to waste. Most poetry does nothing for me since I’ve self-classified myself as an anti-poetry snob. My idea of good poetry are bawdy limericks and poetry that promotes laughter and good humor.
I have no idea why I started my day today reading some of Poe’s depressing poetic offerings. I did my very best to concentrate on his works, Spirits of the Dead, The Valley of Unrest, and it was a chore. He’s the only poet that can take something beautiful and make it seem tragic and misbegotten. Man that guy had some serious issues.
I finally gave up on Poe when I started feeling depressed and put upon by his words. I moved over to an essay by one of my all time favorites, Mark Twain, or Samuel Clemens if you insist. He was renowned for being a spectacularly glib wise ass which immediately endeared him to me. His thoughts contained in “On the Decay of the Art of Lying” are just plain funny and sarcastic. Here’s a sample:
“The saying is old that truth should not be spoken at all times; and those whom a sick conscience worries into habitual violation of the maxim are imbeciles and nuisances.” It is strong language, but true. None of us could live with an habitual truth-teller; but thank goodness none of us have to. An habitual truth-teller is simply an impossible creature; he does not exist; he never has existed.
Everybody lies – every day; every hour; awake; asleep; if he keeps his tongue still, his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude, will convey deception – and purposely. Even in sermons – but that is a platitude.
Anyone who disagrees with those statements is obviously living with their head deeply buried in the sand or deeply shoved up their ass. I’ve always been a fan of lying because lies serve many useful purposes. “Does my ass look big in this dress?”, “Of course not.’’, a beautiful, polite, required, and obvious white lie. We all have a million them and use them frequently.
Do you want me to explain lying to you when it comes to our political system and the liar that has been squatting in the “Peoples House” for the last seven years. That discussion would be totally rhetorical requiring no explanations or further conversations.
I think I could have supported Mark Twain as President only if he had the ability to select Edgar A. Poe as his Vice President. No there’s a pair that could have driven most of Congress right out of their every-lying minds. Throw in Donald Trump as Secretary of State and we’d have a unbeatable trifecta.
Enough of my musings. I’m going to roll over, hug my pillow, and say a prayer that the insanity that has had this country in it’s grip for seven years is slowly fading away. And who’s up next for the Dems but good old Hillary Clinton.
I find myself agreeing with a large block of voters in this country of both parties. We’re sick of hearing the names Bush and Clinton. To both factions, please just go away. You’ve done enough harm already and we don’t need any more.
‘Yikes”
‘OMFG Yikes Again’
This post will probably be confusing for some of you because there isn’t any rhyme or reason behind what I’ll be writing. I’ve been very busy of late with a lot of little stuff that needs to be handled before the holidays officially arrive. Just keep your hands and feet inside the car, this ride may get a little bumpy.
My life has changed dramatically in the last month due to my elimination of live cable television. I’m happy to announce that I haven’t watched more than ten minutes of commercials, ads, or television shopping channels for over a month. It took me a few weeks to get the hang of streaming and I’ve been able to locate and avoid those few channels that still insist on running commercials. It’s truly a game changer. I have more freedom to watch what I please when I please and no scheduling of my time in order to watch a specific program. No more waiting for commercial breaks to make bathroom runs, I just hit the pause and Ta Da. I also like watching what once was an hour long show in 43 minutes, minus all those damn commercials. Life has gotten seriously better.
The better-half’s birthday has come and gone and was a great success. She loved her gifts, the wine, and that big, fat, medium rare T-bone steak. I tried to be as romantic as possible and I think I pulled it off rather well. Here’s my lame attempt at a table setting on our crazy retro dining room set.
I’d like to officially thank the cow that made the ultimate sacrifice for our meal. Tender and soft as marshmallows washed down with a semi-sweet Merlot. Yummmmm!
I’ve been diligently working towards having all things Christmas, purchased, wrapped, and hidden away by Thanksgiving. That will free up my time between Thanksgiving and Christmas to be the better-half’s decorating slave. First the tree, then the lights, then tinsel, then motorized talking and singing toys scattered throughout the house. I can only pray that my first gift will be a noise-cancelling headset.
Here’s some bad news. Last night I was strong-armed into watching the first Christmas movie of the season. That’s right, a Christmas movie on November 15. Please just shoot me now.
Three days ago I was dragged kicking and screaming to the Mall. It was a typical mall trip which bored the hell out of me. I ended up sitting in the middle of the mall surrounded by herds of screaming kids being chased by their parents. Thank God for my Kindle. The best part of my visit consisted of my standing near a small kiosk and allowing a really hot young lady to place heat packs on my neck. I let her go on and on with her sales pitch and finally walked away without making a purchase. My neck felt a lot better and so did my morale. 
I have a few more gifts to wrap today and I think I’m be totally finished with Christmas preparations. With that goal being met I think I’ll then deserve a tall, cold, and refreshing Gin and Tonic later this afternoon.
I hope your holiday craziness isn’t too overwhelming. Before you know it 2016 will be here and we can start preparing for next Christmas. Are we all insane or is it just me?
After admitting in my last post that I had an addictive personality got me to thinking. I thought I knew myself pretty well when I was able to admit that I was also claustrophobic. One phobia isn’t all that bad or so I thought. I decided to dig into the Everyuselessthing archives to learn more about phobias. I’m not sure that was such a great idea. I discovered a list of phobias that aren’t commonly known and I think I may suffer from a few more than previously thought. Here are a few examples:
Arachibutyrophobia – fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Automatonophobia – fear of ventriloquists’ dummies.
Coulrophobia – fear of clowns.
Geniophobia – fear of chins.
Phobophobia – fear of fear.
Pteronophobia – fear of being tickled by feathers.
Rupophobia – fear of dirt.
I’ll only admit to having two additional phobias from that list and there isn’t a chance in hell I’ll tell you what they are. As I finished denigrating myself for all of my stupid phobias I received an email from a friend in KC. He’s a senior + senior citizen who’s been an internet rat since it’s inception. It was a ‘Hi, How are you?’ message ending with AMBW. I answered him quickly because I had no freaking clue what that meant. I know LOL, WTF, and a few others but never really felt the need to learn more. His AMBW means All My Best Wishes. There seem to be so many of these in use I decided to find a few more. These were a small sampling of texting acronyms I’m sure I’ll use only sporadically.
A3 – Anytime, Anywhere, Anyplace.
AFAIR – As Far As I an Remember.
ASAFP – As Soon As F**king Possible.
OMFG – Oh My F**king God.
AAI – Allah Already Informed
BITCH – Babe In Total Control of Herself
CFI – Complete F**king Idiot
CRST – Can’t Remember Sh*t
If any of you ever decide to send me a text or email containing these sort of acronyms please include detailed explanations as well. Life’s way too short for me to waste my time trying to figure them out.
One last bit of amusement to entertainment you. Years ago I was a police officer for the state of Pennsylvania. Early in my career I was in the patrol unit and spent a great deal of time investigating accidents, both trivial and serious. I thought I’d heard all the stupid reasons people offer up to explain their accidents but these samples taken from actual insurance reports were new even to me.
“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced over at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”
“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.”
“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”
“As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”
“I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.”
You just can’t make this stuff up. Most of these were way better than the stories I was told but just as funny. I think I’ve had enough of this for today. I have errands to run, pictures to take, coffee to drink, and people to watch.
ENJOY THIS DAY, I KNOW I WILL.
I’m one of those boring people who feels the need to constantly examine my life. I look at my past and judge myself, I look at my present and judge myself, and finally I look at my possible futures and judge that too. Also if I’m given the opportunity I’ll judge you as well. So not only am I a borderline addictive personality I’m a bit judgmental.
I’ve always suspected I had issues with addiction but never tried to delve into the why’s and wherefores until now. My list of addictions is long and began back when I was just an newborn infant. Here’s my list from my formative years in no particular order of importance:
Breathing
Breasts
Breast milk
Diapers
I was able to finally work through those minor addictions without the assistance of an expensive rehab program. I was well on my way to puberty where my list began to grow and become more interesting.
Breasts
Legs
Butts
Pornography
Sex
Puberty not only changed me physically but also intellectually. I understood at age thirteen that these addictions unlike my toddler list would likely become permanent. And guess what? I was somewhat correct. I resigned myself to learning to live with my addictions and to make the best of them. It was a dirty job but I stepped up and made the required personality adjustments to deal with them.
My teen years were interesting and a little frightening. My list again changed but was still manageable:
Sex
Breasts
Legs
French Blondes
Cigarettes
Beer
Pornography
College brought more changes and not all of them good. As the list increased so did my stress levels as you can plainly see:
Sex
Oral Sex
Brunettes
Blondes
Red Heads
Breasts
Beer
Whiskey
Marijuana
Wine
I learned a lot in those years but realized my life was in a rut so I dropped out of college and enlisted in the Army one step ahead of the draft board. This began another long, interesting, and scary adventure. Once more my list expanded a bit:
Sex
Oral sex
Oriental Women
Black Hair
Whiskey
Coffee
Cigarettes
Beer
Marijuana
Speed
Adrenaline
Wine
I returned home a few years later, much wiser and a much less addicted person. I was able to rid myself of many of my stupid addictions over the next two decades. Here are the final results after many years of really hard work:
Any Sex
Breasts
Coffee
Reading
Photography
Computers
Chocolate
Wine
Exercise
As you can see most of the exciting addictions in my life have slowly faded away. They were fun while they lasted but were discarded when they became dangerous or harmful. I’m now a much wiser and more boring person and I have to admit as I sit here quietly judging myself, I miss some of them a lot.
My list is certainly smaller but less dangerous and easily managed now. I expect this final list will remain with me forever.
The only addiction that stayed with me from infancy to the present day are “Breasts”. There’s no rehab programs to help me deal with them and I’m pretty happy about that. So thanks again Mom for the one lifelong addiction I’ve enjoyed the most and will continue to enjoy until the lid slams shut. I’d love to see the 12 step program for that addiction.
I know one thing for sure, I’d never miss a meeting.
Today feels exceptionally uninteresting. It’s a little blah, a little gray, and a little cold which means I’m suffering from a total lack of interest. I was just advised by my better-half that I’d be spending the better part of this day being dragged along on her shopping safari. Thank God I recharged my Kindle last night so I’m now good to go. That means I get to sit in the car and read while she shops.
If I use my head and offer up a little charm I might just convince her to buy me some sort of breakfast. I have a serious need for bacon and I need it right now. I swear it’s a worse addiction than cigarettes or coffee. It’s maybe the only thing that keeps these shopping forays bearable for me.
This blog needs a bit of a breather from stories about my life and times. Today I’ll supply the world with a few really useless but possibly interesting tidbits of information. It’s been a while since I’ve dished out a dose of these factoids and today’s the day. Here we go . . .
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The average American two-car garage is 25 percent bigger than the average Tokyo home.
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The European Union exports more to Switzerland than to China.
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During the first year of the Nazi invasion of the Soviet Union, the Red Army issued 800,000 death sentences to it’s own soldiers.
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The first year in which there was no recorded lynching of a black American was 1952.
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There were 658 suicide bombings around the world in 2007 – more than double the number in any of the previous twenty-five years. Afghanistan and Iraq were responsible for 542 of them.
I didn’t say that all of the factoids would be funny or uplifting because life on this planet leaves a lot to be desired at times.
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In 1976, the United States had 30 percent of the world’s college students. By 2006, that had dropped to 14 percent.
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Intel employees collectively send or read 3 million emails a day.
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The Mafia accounts for 7 percent of the Italian GDP, more than any single business.
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There are as many fake doctors practicing in India as real ones.
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The average male orgasm lasts eight seconds, the average female orgasm twenty seconds.
I guess that last one explains a lot of things. Women not only orgasm longer but get to have multiples as well. That’s just unfair.
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In the United States, adult bookshops outnumber McDonald’s restaurants three to one.
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Napoleon often masturbated before going into battle.
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Red Bull is illegal in Norway, Denmark, and Ireland.
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In 2007, twenty-four people killed themselves jumping under Paris Metro trains. On the New York City Subway the figure was twenty-six, and on the London Underground fifty.
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Men produce twice as much saliva as women.
I think that’s enough for today. I wouldn’t want you to overdose on all this useless stuff. It’s Sunday, watch some football, drink a beer or two, eat some nacho’s and belch like you have a pair. That’s what I call “a day of rest”.
HAPPY SUNDAY
This is the second chapter of our visit with my better-half’s family members as we made our way through the streets of Portland, Maine. For this late in the year this Sunday was absolutely perfect. Sunny and warm with lots of people on the streets enjoying what remains of our Indian Summer. I wore my comfortable shoes in preparation for hours of walking and shopping with the ladies. It was all of that and more.
Portland offers a crazy selection of coffee shops, galleries, and gift shops and it felt like we visited all of them. The women shopped and we men were dragged kicking and screaming through the streets waiting desperately for food and drink, and even a cigars for one of us.
We were in and out of so many different shops and I’m not kidding when I say we could have purchased damn near anything. Look at these little gems we found displayed on the sidewalk and before you make any comments, I didn’t buy any.
‘For shopper’s who need a little weirdness in their lives.’
Our final stop was at our favorite tavern, Three Dollar Dewey’s, for a healthy four course meal of Gin, popcorn, nacho’s, french fries, and a delicious piece of strawberry shortcake.
We had our fill of food and drink and returned to the car feeling fat and sassy. It was a short ride home where we could kick back and relax a little more. The visitors needed a good nights sleep before their departure the next morning as they headed south for Rhode Island.
WE CONTINUE TO ENJOY THIS INDIAN SUMMER
Well for the first time in over a year I missed a day I had scheduled for blogging. I’m as surprised as you are but that old adage of “sh*t happens” happened. I normally post on one day then workout the next and so on and so forth. I became a bit confused and distracted and lost track of the days when our out-of-town visitors were here. It wasn’t until after they left that I realized my error. So enough of that, let me get on with things.
We had such a good time with our visitor’s I’m not sure where to begin. We spent one afternoon in Kennebunkport doing some shopping and having dinner at Federal Jack’s restaurant. A couple bowls of clam chowder and a plate of fried clams were followed by massive platters of fish and chips. Wash that all down with a couple of incredibly excellent Goat Island Light beers and your good to go. So we went.
‘The best fried clams ever.’
The tourists have all fled southern Maine leaving the towns somewhat deserted as reflected by these photo’s:
‘In season.’
‘Off season.’
Federal Jacks just happens to be located directly above the original Shipyard brewery. Of course it’s mandatory with my better-half to complete any trip to Kennebunkport with a stop there too. It’s her own private Hajj.
A fun time was had by all. The food was delicious and the beer cold and refreshing. We took a slow leisurely ride home through Kennebunk where the streets were clogged with parents and costumed children enjoying their Halloween night festivities. We arrived home safely and enjoyed a good night’s sleep.
My next post will be day #2 of their visit where we spent a good part of that day playing tourist in the city of Portland.
We’re in the midst of one beautiful Indian Summer and we all hope it lasts all the way to Thanksgiving.
I always try to plan ahead for ideas for this blog but today I’m having a difficult time concentrating. I’m a lover of all new technology and make it a point to stay up to speed with new software and hardware as it comes available. Today is one of those days that computer junkies fear the most. No working internet connection.
We had a moderately heavy rainstorm last night and things were fine when I crashed into bed at 1 am. I awoke this morning and my internet connection is dead. While my in-house network is still functioning thanks to a battery backup unit, good old Time Warner’s internet feed is missing in action. Unfortunately our house is located in a semi-dead spot for internet, GPS, and telephone reception. I have range extenders for damn near everything but they also run in conjunction with the internet.
In order for me to make or receive calls today I’ll be forced to drive a few hundred yards up a nearby hill near the house to get just two bars. My alarm system is sending me text messages on the phone (3G) telling me the system is off. Damn, tell me something I don’t know.
In the past the system usually comes back on-line very quickly but not today. It’s been four hours already and still nothing. And of course their telephone lines are busy, busy, busy.
Let’s kill some time today while I wait for the internet to return by revisiting some things I truly enjoy and that’s limericks. I’ve collected many, written a few, and they always seem to lean to the naughtier side of things. Some of the best I’ve ever seen have come from Great Britain because they’ve been writing them for centuries and have some of the naughtiest and funniest. I’ll try to keep todays collection naughty but nice and I’ll skip the x-rated stuff for now. Here’s five of my fav’s.
#1
With a maiden a chap just begat
Bouncing triplets named Pat, Nat, and Tat;
Twas fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding;
As there wasn’t a spare tit for Tat.
#2
There once was a young lady named Hilda
Who went out with a top body-builder;
He said that he should,
That he could and he would,
And he did and it damn near killed her.
#3
A notorious harlot named Hearst
In the pleasures of men is well-versed;
Reads the sign at the head
Of her well rumpled bed;
“The customer always comes first”.
#4
There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose tool was incredibly bent;
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And, instead of coming he went!
#5
As the elevator car left our floor,
Poor old Sue caught her boobs in the door;
She yelled a great deal,
But had they been real,
She’d have bellowed considerably more.
***
‘And one from an anonymous kid.’
Hopefully some time today I can get these posted but I’m at the mercy of the Time Warner road crews. Here’s one of my own limericks I wrote after living in Maine for more than ten years. No names have been used to protect the somewhat innocent.
There once was a young lady from Maine
Who ruined her dress with a stain.
She thought she was clever,
But her mother knew better,
And asked “What the hell is his name”.
It’s now been eight hours without the internet and it just came back on. “Better late than never.” should be scrawled somewhere on Time Warner’s Logo.
ENJOY YOUR DAY
The last days of Fall are approaching with the leaves losing their vivid colors and one bone chilling night after another. We’re slowly running out of those nice bright and sunny Indian Summer days. There really isn’t all that much upside to Winter that I can find. Fortunately this state is filled with thousands of people who live to romp in the snow, go snowmobiling, skiing, and skating on the lakes. It’s some sort of an awful winter inspired insanity.
I didn’t include that small percentage of Mainers who claim to be ice fishermen. I see those little shacks popping up on almost every lake and have heard for years all of the fishing stories from their occupants. It’s more about getting out of the house, hiding from the wife, and drinking an adequate amount of alcoholic beverages that help make the fish seem even bigger for their stories.
Yesterday required a road trip through the northern part of the county near the town of Naples located along the shore of Sebago lake. It was our one last chance to capture as many of those foliage pictures everyone seems to love so much.
Here’s a shot taken of Sebago lake with the foothills of the White Mountains in the background. Just looking at the coldness of the photo gives me the shivers.
I’ll certainly enjoy looking at these photos in a month or so when everything is frozen solid and covered with snow and ice. Then I can begin my constant complaining about Winter and endless whining for warmer weather. I guess I one of those folks who just loves bitching and complaining about Winter.
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