Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Another winter in Maine is finally taking it’s last freaking gasp and will soon be gone. I have only one thing to say to that, "Good-bye, Good Riddance, and Go Away". In my opinion it’s overstayed it’s welcome by at least two weeks already. It’s much like a house guest who stays too long causing you to start out liking them, then disliking them, and finally detesting them.
I’m sitting in bed refusing to get up and start another day with the same mind crunching routine which I’ve fallen into of late. I first wake up slowly out of odd and strange dreams which usually amuse me, but not today. I make a bathroom pit stop, feed the cat, get my coffee, and return to the bed with my IPad. As I begin writing I’m also thinking about my work list for the day and cringe a little. After ten minutes I return to the kitchen for another cup of coffee and more visualization of the tasks ahead of me.
The room remodel has taken over my days but is much c.loser to completion than this time last week. Ninety percent of the drywall has been installed with the final sheets in place by this coming Friday. Then it’s a few days of sanding, priming, painting, putting up the new fixtures, wall plugs, light switches and baseboards and then DONE.
In order to complete these kinds of projects you really must have the proper motivation or it could stall and never be completed. That’s the job of my better-half. I’ve called her many things over the years but for right now she’s my motivator. Part of her skill set is knowing just when to tweak my nose about things to restart my engines and then haughtily walk away pretending she doesn’t care in the least. Some people might call that passive-aggressive, but not me. I call that motivation with a twist. For example I hear things like this, "Oh honey the room is really shaping up and the drywall looks amazing. It always surprises me that you are able to do this work as well as you do. It looks like there’s a bit of a gap between those two sheets. Is it supposed to be that wide? Will it make the drapes I just bought look like their hanging crooked? Don’t forget to fix that before we start painting." And so it goes!
She has no subtlety at all. She started a week ago arriving home from her shopping trips with questions about what furnishings would look best in the new room. What kind of older, cool looking vanity she would purchase for her huge collection of makeup and lotions. She dragged me out one day to just visit a few stores for an hour or so. I ended up looking at throw rugs and other assorted furnishings for the new room. She’s about as subtle as a hand grenade.
Regardless of all the gamesmanship the room will be completed at least two weeks ahead of schedule. Hooray for me because I’ve been assured and promised there would be no more major projects until next Fall. The translation of that promise is actually this, "Honey, I think the living room is looking too peachy. I’m really sick of that color and maybe we should change it out before any of the summer guests arrive. What do you think?
Like I said, subtle!
I had a relatively interesting day today. I was able to accomplish a few things that weren’t planned and somehow those always seem the best. People joke about spontaneity when discussing love and personal relationships but you never hear it in relation to other things. I have to admit that everything usually returns to people relationships but every once in a while it’s possible to be pleasantly surprised by an unplanned encounter.
My first spontaneous conversation and introduction to someone new occurred this morning. On a regular basis I turn into a recycling, take care of the environment, conscientious "Greenie". Every few weeks or so I trek to a place to recycle bottles, cans, and plastic containers. It’s one of my assigned duties from my better-half to religiously collect all this crap, save it in large bags, and then deliver it for CASH. All of a sudden I didn’t mind recycling if there was cash involved. I agreed to this chore as long as all those nickels remained in my pocket and not into the household general fund. And so began my adventures in doing my part to save the freaking environment.
I manage to make about $20.00 every six weeks thanks in great part to my better-half’s beer bottle contributions and a great number of plastic water bottles. Truth be told it’s a huge pain in the ass but I do it to keep peace in the household which makes the effort worthwhile. Also the cat loves it because all of my pet related expenses are paid for from this small but important fund. If by chance we have a party or a lot of visitors during the summer months I might even I be able to embezzle enough of the cat fund for the odd bottle of gin. Don’t tell the cat because he’s a major league nag and I’d never hear the end of it. Any purchases that aren’t Fancy Feast or special treats will really make him hard to live with.
So I arrive at the recycling center which is a cross between a gigantic, stinky and smelly garbage can and a college frat house on Sunday morning. It truly is a disgusting place where no one stays any longer than necessary. As I enter the building dragging two huge bags of containers I bump into Ryan, the man in charge. In his twenties, six foot three, 60’s hairdo (not quite a mullet), raggedy ass clothes, and an odor just a little less awful than the surrounding piles of bottles and cans that are apparently his entire life. He manually sorts through my bags on a large table, plastic here, cans there, brown bottles over there, and white glass over here. He never writes anything down but when he’s finished, he spends a few seconds on a calculator and hands me a credit slip with my total redemption amount.
I was extremely skeptical when I first started using this facility and for the first five or six deliveries I pre-counted them at home just to check their counting procedures. I never found an error. The guy is freaking amazing but always accurate. I made the mistake today of starting a spontaneous conversation to see if I could distract him or trip him up in some way. We talked for approximately ten minutes while he scurried around sorting and checking the containers. He never missed a beat and his count was right on. The downside was the actual conversation because Ryan is really passionate about bottles and he spent those ten minutes telling me how he counts bottles and then a few war stories about some of his more unusual customers and their quirks.
I was trapped like a rat and couldn’t escape. He held me captive and talked about empty bottles until I just wanted to scream. OMFG! I now know way more than I ever wanted to know about his career choice and why he had the best job ever. I picked up my credit slip and got the hell out of there.
It was a smelly and disgusting experience but interesting in it’s own way. As a former business professional I always appreciated people who were passionate about their jobs. My good buddy, Ryan, was as passionate about his job as anyone I’ve ever met. He loves his job and tries desperately hard to excel at it. He actually tries to supply friendly and smiling customer service in an a garbage pile atmosphere which is amazing in and of itself.
I now know I can finally stop pre-counting my contributions because my bottles and containers are in good hands with Ryan. My cat need never worry about starving because Ryan is on the job.
It’s time for another installment of totally useless information. Normally I supply true facts that are strange, ironic, or unbelievable. Today I’m taking a page from the Main Stream Media who on a regular basis use the jokes told on late night television to gauge certain politicians standing with the American people. I’ve never really understood that type of polling since most of the material used by Leno, Letterman, Kimmel, and O’Brien is written by professional writers hired and directed by their corporate owners. Of course, they’re all totally unbiased politically.
I like a good laugh and joke as much as the next guy so I’ll pass these tidbits along simply as fun "one liners". Since this country thrives on "sound bites" this style of humor is all the rage. I need to enter a disclaimer here because I’m reasonable sure that all of these items are untrue. Enjoy them for what they are, just silly and stupid jokes.
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Einstein estimated that his Theory of Relativity got him laid more than one hundred times.
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The United States border with Mexico is over 2000 miles long but only six inches wide.
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Montana is the only state where "horseplay" is illegal.
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Ninety six percent of all wrong numbers involve a guy saying, "Larry?"
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Scientists who’ve been studying pigeons agree that they’re definitely up to something.
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In Westchester, NY, there is a barber named Tony DeBarber.
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Newton’s Fourth Law states "No fat chicks".
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Christopher Welden of Columbus, OH, is the only person ever to actually "laugh all the way to the bank".
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While their still not allowed to drive cars, as of May 2006, Saudi Arabian women may operate riding lawn mowers.
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During a screening of Neil Simon’s The Goodbye Girl at the Vatican, someone asked the Pope to remove his hat.
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When held by a person more than seven feet tall a ladle is just called a "spoon".
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In response to continued complaints the Campbell’s Soup company has removed the letter "F" from their alphabet soup.
Well there you have it. The first dirty dozen useless tidbits that might just make you smile but there are certainly no guarantees.
I just spent a little quality time with my snowblower this morning. With another huge snowstorm coming our way I thought she might need a little pep talk before I send her out into another nasty old snow storm. I don’t think she was too happy to hear about this storm because she refused to talk to me or even look me in the eye. Snowblowers can be so temperamental if they’re not treated like God’s gift to all snowblowers. I gassed her up, wiped the dirt from her beautiful red body, gently checked her oil, and then rubbed her all over with a clean rag. It’s strange that this entire routine reminds me more than just a little of most of my previous relationships. I baby them, pamper them, feed them, clothe them, make love to them, and then maybe just maybe they’ll do something I request. I did say MAYBE because it’s never ever been a sure thing anyway.
It’s always amazed me just how all things seem to be related in so many ways. There are millions of men out there who love using sports metaphors to explain almost everything but since I’m not a sports fanatic I tend to go my own way. As with women most vehicles and machinery require exactly the same treatment if you expect to get anything in return. Cars, garden tractors, leaf blowers, wood chippers, and even things as small as battery operated face massagers need some TLC occasionally. I’ve found that bathing them regularly and talking softly to them really goes a long way to keeping them happy and working properly. As in all things a few loving caresses here and there won’t hurt either.
They all require constant attention and if they don’t get it then problems will almost certainly ensue. So men, always remember that all of your mechanical devices require all of your time and effort to keep them happy. God help you if they think they’re being ignored, there will be hell to pay.
All of my former vehicles demanded on occasion a nice warm bath as well as a vigorous rubdown with scented cleaners. I recommend that you make that part of your maintenance regime, you won’t be sorry. Spending a little time, effort, and gentleness will pay off in a big way if you play your cards right.
Talk to your vehicles as much as you can and never walk by without a gentle touch and a kind word. Snuggle up in those nice soft seats and don’t be afraid to gently stroke her every so often.
Give it a try and you won’t believe the results. Buy her a sweet smelling air freshener and maybe a cute set of floor mats and she’ll follow you anywhere. Gas her up regularly and maybe she’ll let you take her out on the expressway and blow the carbon out of her pipes and yours as well.
Just saying.
I’m celebrating today because yesterday I received a letter from my doctor. Truthfully, it’s not the kind of letter I like receiving but it is what it is and unfortunately for me it’s colonoscopy time again. Before I go much further I like to throw out a huge thank you to my late mother Janet. It’s her medical history and genetic inheritance that requires me to have these procedures. Her history of colon cancer and cancerous polyps has placed me at the head of the line for frequent colonoscopies. Thanks a lot Mom.
It all started for me in 2004 when my new doctor at that time was reviewing my medical history and gave me the bad news that colonoscopies were about to become a huge part of my life. I had no knowledge of what colonoscopies were at that time but I was to find out rather quickly how much fun they weren’t. As the first colonoscopy approached I was directed to pick up a “Colonoscopy Preparation Kit” at my doctors office. It contained a gallon of liquid and a couple of pouches of powder that were to be mixed together and consumed the night before the procedure. I actually laughed when he told me that I had to drink that entire gallon in one sitting (no pun intended). He also warned me not to wander too far from a bathroom which I failed to take all that seriously. Big gigantic mistake number one.
Being the obedient person that I am I followed his instructions to the letter and discovered very quickly that his warnings were not to be taken lightly. I was sitting quietly on my deck when I felt a rumble. It felt like a very small earthquake tremor at first but immediately I realized I might be more than a few steps too far from the closest bathroom. I became a cross between Mt. Vesuvius and a high pressure fire hose. I almost made to the bathroom but not quite. Big gigantic mistake number two.
After a hour of sitting, then an hour of cleanup I was cleansed inside and out and ready to go. I was very nervous about the procedure but after receiving some really excellent drugs I was ready for anything. I remember vaguely my ass hanging out in the wind and a number of people back there talking and looking around. The next thing I remember I was in the recovery room, a much more humble person to be sure.
The good news was that my first colonoscopy experience was over and the bad news was given to me later by the doctor. I’d be required to do this every three years for the rest of my effing life. I wasn’t thrilled about that fact but I understand how important these procedures are to extending my life.
Since that first experience I’ve had three additional colonoscopies and I hate to admit it but I think I’m getting used to them. The first one they knocked me out with drugs, the second one I took a lighter drug dose and was able to remain semi awake and able to listen to the doctors and nurses as they reamed me out. The third one I took an even smaller dose of drugs and was able to talk with the doctor while he was doing the procedure and they even brought in a small television so I could see exactly what the camera stuck up my butt was showing the doctor. I don’t think I’ll do that again because that was a little weird. It was like looking down a long pink and disgusting tunnel. That’s one TV show I think I’ll pass on the next time around. I’ll just stick to the good drugs, take a short nap, and deal with my sore butt later.
I should gladly note that these procedures failed to find any major problems for which I’m exceedingly grateful. They’re actually a very efficient way for early detection and treatment of what could be a life threatening situation. When your told for the first time that you need to have a colonoscopy, just smile, drink your laxatives, and enjoy the drugs. It could save your life.
As I promised a week or so ago, if I found any interesting tidbits of useless information and trivia, I would pass them along to you. I have a few here that are obscure, a little strange, but as best I can determine accurate. Read them and remember them because you never know when you might get caught up in a vicious game of Trivial Pursuit. A number of these items were researched by the late great Isaac Asimov. He was one of the smartest men alive in his day and had a habit of collecting and researching odd tidbits of information. Enjoy!
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Drilling an oil well 5 miles deep requires drilling night and day, seven days a week, for as long as 500 days.
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The total population of the earth at the time of Julius Caesar was 150 million. The total population increase in two years on earth today is 150 million.
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During the next minute, 100 people will die 240 will be born. The world’s population problem increases by a 140 people per minute.
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Many years ago a Harvard student on his way home to visit his parents fell between two railroad cars at the station in Jersey City, New Jersey, and was rescued by an actor on his way to visit his sister in Philadelphia. The student was Robert Lincoln, heading for 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. The actor was Edwin Booth the brother of the man who a few weeks later would murder the students father.
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There are 2,500,000 rivets in the Eiffel Tower.
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There is a salt mine in the Polish town of Wieliczka, near Cracow, that has been in operation for nearly 1000 years.
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While Columbus was seeking new worlds to the West, Italian engineers were rebuilding the Kremlin in Moscow.
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There are more than 100 distinct ethnic groups in the Soviet Union.
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Every cubic mile of seawater holds over 150,000,000 tons of minerals. There are 350,000,000 cubic miles of seawater on the planet.
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It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970’s that there be enacted a two dollar tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
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Morocco was the first country to officially recognize the United States in 1789.
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Some Eskimos use refrigerators to keep their food from freezing.
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In 1978, more than 1000 deer were accidentally killed in Connecticut by automobile drivers. Only 948 were killed by hunters.
Well there you have it. More useless information for you to cram into your brain so you can amaze your friends and family and possibly win a few bar bets. More to come I’m sure.
I thought today I’d live up to this blogs name by providing a few items of really useless information which you could no doubt live without. I need to have a fun posting day for a change that will provide absolutely no useful content to any discussion about anything at all. How’s that for a total and complete disclaimer.
I’ve always been a huge trivia fan and anytime I find a few tidbits that are new to me I immediately send them along to you. So sit back in your nice soft chair with your refreshment of choice and read on.
1. Potatoes have more chromosomes than humans do – 48 versus 46.
2. The steam rising from a cup of hot coffee contains the same amount of antioxidants as three oranges.
3. Cleavage has nothing to do with breast size or shape. Women with concave ribcages exhibit cleavage, while those with convex ribcages don’t.
4. There are roughly 144,000 mosquitos for every person on earth.
5. Dr. Seuss wrote Green Eggs and Ham after his editor challenged him to produce a book using fewer than 50 words.
6. William McKinley was the first president to ride in an electric car – the ambulance that took him to the hospital after he was shot by an assassin.
7. In 2004, the glossy Ikea catalogue overtook the Bible as the world’s most distributed publication.
8. The Bible is the most shoplifted book in the world.
9. The actress Liz Sheridan, best known for her portrayal of Jerry Seinfeld’s TV mother, was briefly engaged to James Dean.
10. One of every five meals in America are eaten in cars.
11. The largest human cell is the female ovum. The smallest is the male sperm.
12. You can tell the temperature by listening to a cricket chirp. For the temperature in degrees Fahrenheit, count the number of chirps in 15 seconds and add 37.
13. In the summer of 1967, Jimi Hendrix was the opening act for the Monkees seven times.
14. A falling object travels slower at the equator than it does at the North and South poles.
15. Winston Churchill had a heart attack in the White House while straining to open a window.
So there you have it. Fifteen more golden nuggets of useless information to use up what space you have left in your memory banks. The month of March is sure to be long and boring and to make it complete I’ll send a few more tidbits your way in a few weeks. I just know your thrilled.
Have you ever had an identity crisis? Do you really understand what the term means? I thought I did but as often happens I really had only a general idea and never looked at the dirty little details.
As a young child we have an identity but it’s really just a temporary one until we’ve reached an age where real decisions about our future can be made without the undue influences of family. My father wanted me to be a jock at first. He was an outstanding athlete in school and always hoped I could excel as he did. I didn’t. I liked playing baseball but for me most of the other sports were a distraction from my real passion for fine art and commercial art. My first major identity issue occurred when I realized I didn’t want to be what he wanted me to be. I was just a kid who was afraid to speak out so instead I acted out. It was my way of saying, I don’t want to be a jock, I really don’t like playing football and basketball, I can do it if I want to but I don’t want to. It took him years to get over my actions but it had to happen eventually as it does with everyone and their parents.
We go through many of these identity issues during and after high school. Do I want to go to college? Do I want to be a part of a religious organization? Do I want to be married? What kind of job do I want? Do I want to have kids? It’s no wonder we have so many issues with family and friends as they try to push us in one direction or another. The real problem comes after you’ve made these life decisions for yourself and then find out you’ve made a terrible mistake. To me that’s a real ‘identity crisis’ and the others are just normal growing up things we all must deal with.
I’m writing about this topic in a semi-serious manner and don’t want to get bogged down and depressed by it. I’ve grown up and survived all of the decisions I’ve made. Some were good, some not so good, but that’s life in a nut shell. I’ve had my mid-life crisis, been divorced, been happy, been miserable, and survived them all just as you all will.
I took early retirement a few years ago and now I’m again faced with a new question. Who am I now? I sat down to think over a few things and suddenly realized that a person’s name and nicknames help them to find and maintain their identity. If Sean Combs can reinvent himself at a whim from P-Diddy to Puff Daddy then why can’t I do the same.
As always the web has the answers. I found these two web sites which are really helping me and my better-half to re-identifying ourselves. Check them out if you want a cool nickname or two.
http://www.myrapname.com/
http://www.getnicknames.com/nicknames.php
Here are a few of the selections we must choose from:
Our Bad Ass Biker Names: CARLEY CRANK – BEARDSLEY BONES
Our Pop Star Names: JULIA STEFANI – GORDAN ANGEL
Our Vampire Names: SELENE CALLISTO – DAMON NIX
Our Goth Names: ADARE – DE DEMI
Our Mobster Names: Lucia – ROCCO
Our Pirate Names: BOOTLEG BETTY – CAPTAIN SCURY
It’s obvious we have some serious decisions to make. Who do we want to be now? I’m leaning towards my vampire identity since that seems to be the current trend but my better-half is looking hard at the pop star identity. This could take forever.
As winter continues I always find myself looking forward to summer and spending time at the beach. It’s also impossible for me to accurately guess what kind of beachwear I’ll be seeing this year. More thongs to be sure and bikinis with as much material as a man’s handkerchief (I hope). It seems from my past experiences that the younger the women are the less clothes they are likely to wear. I’m all for showing a reasonable amount of skin but at a certain point it begins to lose it’s allure for me. There’s a fine line between sexy and slutty and for me near naked is much sexier than almost naked.
Coming of age in the sixties and seventies might make you think I’m a child of the free love generation. It’s not true at all. I do still harken back to bare feet, long flowing hair, and a full length light cotton dress (sans panties) but other things work for me as well. I’ve always been a big fan of the woman who can dress herself and be sexy without having all of her more interesting parts hanging out in the wind. I just love to be tantalized as part of the foreplay to really get me interested. An ankle peeking from beneath a long dress can be just as sexy as a low cut top or a super short skirt.
I’ve always been a fan of the Victorian times where people appeared to be a bit stuffy and non-sexual in their dress and comportment but once they entered the bedroom they dropped the goody-goody routine altogether. The women wore their hair long but rolled tightly in a bun and in the bedroom the bun was unrolled, the many articles of clothing were throw about the room, and the real fun could begin. It took more than a few minutes I’m sure to get them out of all the petticoats, slips, corsets, and high button shoes but in the end it was all good.
I was recently reading a few writings by Gwen Raverat (1885-1957), the granddaughter of Charles Darwin, who described sharing a room with a young lady in her younger years who was wearing the following listed undergarments. Just imagine yourself as a Victorian gentleman with sex on his mind trying to work his way through this outfit to get to the Promised Land.
1. Thick, long legged, long sleeved woolen combinations
2. Over them, white cotton combinations (this is a chemise and drawers combined into one garment), with plenty of buttons and frills
3. Very serious, bony gray stays, with suspenders
4. Black woolen stockings
5. White cotton drawers, with buttons and frills
6. White cotton "petticoat-bodice", with embroidery, buttons and frills
7. Rather short, white flannel petticoat
8. Long alpaca petticoat, with a flounce round the bottom
9. Pink flannel blouse
That wardrobe would take me at least an hour to work my way through. Hopefully I’d have enough strength and stamina left to finish the job after all that undressing. Those Victorian guys must have been incredibly persistent with the sex drive of Superman.
It doesn’t change anything for me though, I still find Victorian ladies sexy as hell but I would never discriminate against our modern women. I’ll also make this promise. I solemnly pledge to give the women of our younger generations my full attention and respect this summer as they prance along the beach wearing not much more than an attitude and a smile. It’s the courteous thing to do and I’m nothing if not courteous.
Women. As any experienced man will tell you they are impossible. Impossible to understand and impossible to deal with at almost any level. It must be genetic because they develop their skill-set at a very early age and spend years fine tuning them. So as a public service to you younger gentlemen out there who are naively preparing to enter the fray, listen up!
Flirting – Women are forever flirting with almost any man who will pay attention to them. I was in line at a food store recently and a young girl no more than 4 years old was sitting in a cart in front of me. She was smiling, being coy, giggling at me for at least fifteen minutes. She was as cute as a button but God help the boys she meets in another ten or fifteen years. She’s already learning the skills needed to befuddle and manipulate them. And now for the big warning guys, don’t let her catch you flirting or you’re a dead man.
Opinions – Learn when to answer and when to stay quiet. A head nod at the right time can save you a great deal of aggravation. Also be careful when asking for an opinion from them. It can be difficult to get a straight answer because they constantly sidestep the question and throw it back to you for your feelings on the matter. Immediately after you give your opinion they disagree and spend ten minutes explaining to you in great detail how misinformed you are.
Driving – Some women insist on driving all of the time which is a vaguely veiled attempt at control. If you’re dumb enough to let them chauffer you then be prepared for the payback. Intentionally driving ten mph under the speed limit while fixing their hair, putting on makeup, texting, or searching the car for a misplaced item, is truly passive-aggressive. OMFG! You watch as she constantly drives with her left tire directly on the centerline of the road. Say nothing as you watch other drivers swerving out of the way to avoid being side swiped. You should know by now that your wrong no matter what.
Double standards – You’ll find her getting annoyed over some trivial issue that you did just once to her but that she does all the time to you. If you call her on it be prepared for a lecture on why your mistaken and why you shouldn’t be annoyed.
Asking impossible questions – Does this dress make my butt look too big? Do you like my hair this color? Does this big gaudy broach look good with this yellow blouse? Does this bra really make my boobs look perky? What are you thinking? Are you staring at that girl in the thong bathing suit? Do you really love me? Need I say more guys?
The Boss – They all want to be the boss. They claim it’s a need to be independent. They desire independence in all things but expect you do everything for them. They will attempt to lecture you on hundreds of things you’ve already accomplished with no experience of their own to draw from. They’ll spend much of your life explaining to you how things should really be done and how they would do it. It’s just another grab for control.
So, I hope you’ve all learned a few things here that might save you a great deal of grief later. If you’re a true masochist like most men are required to be and can put up with all of their BS and control issues you might just get laid one day.
For your sake I hope the sex is mind blowing. Even if it isn’t tell them it is, just saying.
everyuselessthing.com 