Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
I have a confession to make today that I absolutely love breasts, specifically women’s breasts. Like the great majority of men I have a real appreciation for both natural and supernatural (implants) breasts. It isn’t something that just happened to me, it’s been my obsession for as long as I can remember.
I’m not sure when it developed or why. It might have been that I was breast- fed as a baby and became enamored of breasts then. Or maybe I wasn’t breast-fed as a baby and really wanted to be. Since discussing anything sexual with my late parents was almost impossible I don’t have the real answer to my question.
Since so many of my readers are male and have a similar fascination with breasts I thought I’d do a little research and pass along any interesting facts I discovered. It was no surprise that breasts are a major topic on the Net but finding interesting facts about breasts was not as easy as finding the tens of thousands of photographs almost everywhere. Here are fifteen snippets of information I thought you might find interesting.
Man Boobs
A 53-year-old man Guo Qingpo, living in Shandong province, used to own the world’s biggest man boobs record. Guo Qingpo made a decision to have his breasts operated at a local hospital in Jinan, Beijing. After the 6-hour procedure, his 5-kilo breasts were successfully removed.
Current Implant Record Holder
In early 2009, Sheyla Hershey of Brazil was awarded the Guinness World Record for having the largest set of breasts. After nine surgeries and more than a gallon of silicone, her breasts are a size 38KKK.
Largest Natural Breasts
In modern times the world’s largest breasts belong to Norma Stitz (USA, born Annie Hawkins-Turner) who takes a size 56WW Bra. Norma holds the Guinness world record for having the biggest tits in the world.
Best Boob Artist
Kira Ayn Varszegi, aged 34 from Hartford, is an artist. She creates abstract works by using her 38DD breasts as a paintbrush. Kira covers her breasts in paint and then presses them against her canvases. She shares that a mixture of colors and angles in various different directions help to create her eye-catching works.
Left Breast is Usually Larger
No two breasts are exactly the same size, and it is usually your left breast that is bigger than the right side. However, often the difference is so slight you’d never notice they are of different sizes. Nipples also come in varying sizes, not only that, they also point in different directions.
British Boobs the Largest in Europe
A survey made by bra maker Triumph found that British women have the biggest boobs in Europe. More than half of women in that country wear a size D cup. Denmark scored second while Holland was third. On the other hand, Italian women had the smallest breasts where 68% had a size B.
Average Breast Weight
The average breast weighs about 0.5 kilograms (1.1 lb). Each breast contributes to about 4-5% of the body fat and thus 1% of the total body weight of an average woman.
Fat Breasts
In your 20s, your boobs are made up of fat, milk glands and collagen — the connective tissue that keeps them firm. But as you age, the glands and collagen shrink and are replaced by more and more fat. Instead of making your bra size go up, however, the added flab can send breasts down, closer to the floor, if you catch my drift.
Breasts Implant Saves Life
Big breasts miraculously saved an Israeli woman from death at the hands of a Lebanese paramilitary organization. The incident occurred during a Hezbollah rocket attack. The victim got a boob job two years ago. During the war, she was wounded in the chest by shrapnel but survived because of her implants. While the patient is fine, the implant, unfortunately, did not survive.
Orgasm via Breast Stimulation
The idea that women can achieve orgasm via breast stimulation alone has been put forward by Marshall Miller and Dorian Solot, a pair of high-profile sex educators and the authors of I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide. According to their findings, about 1% of women report the ability to achieve orgasm through manual stimulation of their breasts.
Cleavage
Two women with the same cup size may not always have cleavage of the same size. Woman’s breasts that have developed fuller in the middle will tend to have greater cleavage. A woman with an A or B cup but with breasts set naturally close together, can have nice cleavage as well.
Real or Not
More than 2 million women in the United States have breast implants. The average age a woman gets a boob job is 34 … 90% wait until after they have children. The majority of women go up about two cup sizes. Of course, implants still carry health risks, but that doesn’t stop 250,000 from going under the knife each and every year.
Let Sleeping Breasts Lie
Sleeping face-down won’t make your implants deflate, but it will change their shape over time. The best snooze style for your breasts is on your side with a pillow under them for support.
Extra Boobs
Extra breasts (or nipples, for that matter) is called polymastia. In 1886, one Professor Neugenbauer presented to the French Academy of Medicine a woman with ten individual lactating breasts. Three months later, Dr. P. J. Stoyanoff exhibited a 23-year-old Polish woman who also had eight additional boob, all of which secreted milk.
There you have it guys. Every thing you always wanted to know about breasts and breast implants. I hope you all appreciate the valuable time I invested reading all about breasts and looking at the thousands of pictures required to verify these facts. It was exhausting work but I know how important it was to get this information to all of you as quickly as possible. Oh yeah, I think my carpal tunnel syndrome is acting up again. The sacrifices I make for this blog.
The battle of the sexes has existed for as long as anyone can remember. If your a Christian it’s taught that women were made from a man’s rib and then couldn’t resist the temptations of the devil. Eve, the first woman, got the first man, Adam, thrown out of Paradise because of a lack of self-control. It’s a sad story but as in all ancient stories there is always a grain of truth. I’m not a big believer in religion or religious writings from hundreds or thousand years ago and prefer to make my own judgments based on what I know.
Let me qualify myself a little. My mother was a women. My sister was a woman. My grandmothers were women and many of my aunts and cousins were female. My many girl friends, lovers, and acquaintances were females. Why I was so enlightened that many of my pets were also female. I’ve had women work for me, with me, and on occasion I worked for them. I feel I have the right to voice an opinion or two about the war between the sexes because after being married for nineteen years I consider myself imminently qualified. It wasn’t the marriage that helped qualify me but the divorce. I learned a lot.
You probably think that I’m now going to rant about all of my bad experiences with the women in my life. I admit there have been a few but nothing I would care to bore you with. I’d rather fall back on the words of women and how they perceive themselves. Here we go.
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The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. Helen Hayes (at 73)
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There is no more creative force in the world than the menopausal woman with zest. Margaret Mead
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One is not born a woman, one becomes one. Simone DeBeauvoir
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A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. Carrie Snow
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I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. Zsa Zsa Gabor
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A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t. Rhonda Hansome
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Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton
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Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. Jan King
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You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. Erica Jong
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Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. Laurie Kuslansky
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Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson
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In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man – if you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher
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I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. Marie Corelli
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Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. Eleanor Roosevelt
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I have everything I had twenty years ago, only it’s all a little bit lower. Gypsy Rose Lee
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Erma Bombeck
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A woman’s rule of thumb: if it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. Unknown
Many of these quotations are from women who are famous and even iconic. Read them, digest them, and make up your own mind. Nothing stated here surprised me in the least. Now let’s hear from a few men about themselves.
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God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. Robin Williams
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God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him. Author Unknown
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Man is the only animal that blushes – or needs to. Mark Twain
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A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker. Chuang Tzu
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When a young man complains that a young lady has no heart, it’s pretty certain that she has his. George Dennison
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How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being. Oscar Wilde
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When a man is in love he endures more than at other times; he submits to everything. Friedrich Nietzsche
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Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them. Mark Twain
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Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking. Albert Einstein
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Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal
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Wise men are not always silent, but they know when to be. Proverb
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Every woman needs one man in her life who is strong and responsible. Given this security, she can proceed to do what she really wants to do – fall in love with men who are weak and irresponsible. Richard J. Needham
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Men play the game; women know the score. Roger Woddis
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I like men who have a future and women who have a past. Oscar Wilde
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There are two perfectly good men, one dead, and the other unborn. Chinese Proverb
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Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on. Winston Churchill
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Men forget but never forgive. Women forgive but never forget. Unknown
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Men are what their mothers made them. Ralph Waldo Emerson
This battle continues as it always has and always will with the same old complaints and wise cracks by both sides. It’s Mother Nature at her very best. It’s called the “mating ritual” by some experts but it all comes down to one thing. Yes, that’s right, you know exactly what I’m talking about, S..E..X! If your surprised by that statement then you must live in an isolated convent or monastery far from the civilized world. Either that or you’re a total idiot with a lack of common sense and no chance of getting laid.
The war continues.
I hope all of you celebrated that fantastic and relatively new national observance yesterday, International Nude Day. Forevermore the fourteenth of July will be naked day, a day for streaking or strutting your stuff on the nude beach of your choice. I suppose if your exceptionally brave you can give it a go on a normal public beach but it could get a little dicey. You can never forget just how prudish and hypocritical we citizens of the United States can be.
We love our porn, prostitution is flourishing, dozens of skin magazines are published every month, and revealing clothing is the order of the day with most fashion houses and clothing retailers. Adult Shops and peep shows are thriving but if any young mother attempts to feed her infant in public, she’s ridiculed and forced to cover her breast, baby, and sometimes her head so as not to embarrass or shock anyone. It’s just ridiculous.
Hypocrisy comes easily to righteous people who criticize others for what they do themselves. That’s why I’m surprised this observance was ever enacted. Here’s a short blurb explaining just what’s going on.
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New Zealand’s (and now the world’s) National Nude day is not a public holiday but a day to celebrate the human form.
Brain child of former All Black and TV presenter Marc Ellis, National Nude Day (also now known as International Nude Day) is a celebration of the skin with much fun attached. The concept has been adopted by particularly Dunedin students (Scarfies) where getting nude is nothing new. Dunedin is a legend University City in the south of New Zealand.
Nude Day is a one day a year that all in NZ can celebrate nudeness, nakedness, being in the nuddy, running free in all your original raw beauty, putting on your best birthday suit. It’s day everyone can participate in, fat, skinny, big, small, firm, soft and the flabby can all get involved.
Everyone in the world celebrate your body and celebrate New Zealand and the Worlds Nude Day it’s liberating and it’s beautiful. Our bodies are the only things we own, be proud of them no matter what shape or size you are.
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So lets all get out there, strip off some clothing and show the world how sophisticated we pretend to be. Just get two or three friends and waltz along a crowded beach in the buff and watch the fun begin. The police would appear almost immediately. Probably quicker for a “naked” call than for a double murder. There’d be screaming, finger pointing, and panic among those well disguised God Squad members wearing their bikinis and thongs. Is being naked all that much different than that. I don’t think so. Plan on a grand celebration next year. Naked, dancing, strutting, and proud.
Let’s start this week off with a few more tidbits of useless information to brighten your day. These items were collected from hither and yon and are interesting and yes even stupid.
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The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
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The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the General Purpose" vehicle, GP.
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The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
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Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
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The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
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On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.
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No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
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There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
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Typing the word typewriter uses only letters from the top row of your keyboard.
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A 10 foot tall emu was spotted walking the streets of New York in 1973, it had accidently escaped from a circus that specialized in large exotic birds. When police questioned the circus owners they responded saying "George was constipated, so we thought a run around the grounds may help him feel better" Police fined the circus 25 dollars, and 5 months later a bi-law was passed stating that all emus within New York City must be on a leash.
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65% of statistics are made up.
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More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes.
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A duck’s quack does echo, despite rumors to the contrary.
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Camels milk doesn’t curdle.
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Murphy’s oil soap is a chemical commonly used to wash elephants.
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Porcupines float in water.
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"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
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The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
I’s good to remember these factoids. Case in point, if you’re ever required to wash a freaking elephant you’ll know exactly the kind of soap to buy. Also, if you’re ever in NYC with your emu, you’ll know the law and buy a big assed leash. Who else but me would take time out of my busy day to let you known these things. Again, you’re welcome.
Earlier this week I spent some time ridiculing attorneys and criminal witnesses as to their unbelievable stupidity. I wouldn’t want anyone to think for a minute that my posting was meant to be malicious, just funny and ridiculous. I thought today I would include in my musings the behavior of really stupid criminals who make their attorney’s look like geniuses.
You have to admit that people who choose a life of crime aren’t too bright to start with. The following stories are actual tales about actual stupid criminals arrested within the last few years. You just can’t make this stuff up. Many years ago in my rookie year as a police officer my partner told me some valuable words of police wisdom. Since he was my training officer and had almost twenty-five experience on the job I listened intently. His philosophy about police work was this, "If it wasn’t for the stupid fucking criminals we’d never catch anyone." Here’s a few of them that were caught.
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A stupid thief pled guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to help him hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store… and called the police.
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During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two really stupid burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn’t figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn’t loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn’t realize they’d been fooling around with a digital camera that allowed police to downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.
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A woman reported her car stolen and mentioned there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the telephone and told the moron that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and was interested in buying the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
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A dumb ass criminal on trial for drug possession in Pontiac, Michigan, said he’d been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
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A 21 year old idiot, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. He gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later he was arrested because information on the screen showed a two-year-old armed robbery warrant from St. Louis, Missouri. A huge dumb ass.
What did I tell you? I guess my old training officer was right on the money with his advice. Some things are just wisdom for the ages.
I love letters from kids regardless of the situation. They have an honesty that’s refreshing to say the least. As I recently cruised the web I discovered a web site that posted sample letters for adults to send to their kids at camp. I would hope that most parents just might be offended by the assumption that they’re too stupid to write a proper letter to their child. I ‘m also certain that if the kids received these cookie-cutter letters they would know just exactly what they were. They’re way more aware of things these days than we were.
No matter what parents say, they actually do miss their children when they’re attending summer camp. I would think that writing that first letter to your child after they’ve been away from home for a period of time would be tough. Not the letter itself but all the worrying you’ll do when your child has been out of touch for a few days or weeks. I certainly wouldn’t need assistance from some web site to communicate with my kid. Here are a few of the samples provided to assist any lazy parents in writing a freaking letter. They’ve even broken it down by age and sex of the child but for my purposes these two should be sufficient to make my point.
For a 10 Year Old Boy
Dear Xavier,
I miss you! I have been thinking about you a lot and all of the fun camp activities you’re involved in. Have you tried any new sports? When I went to summer camp, my favorite sport was "Monkey Soccer". Ask me about it when you get home.
I hope the food is okay. What is the favorite thing you’ve eaten so far? Have you done any funny camp skits? Or seen any funny camp pranks?
I hope you are having lots of fun. If you are having a hard day, please hang in there. Scruffy misses you too. I know he will want you to play fetch when you get home. We had some rain yesterday and he enjoyed getting muddy.
I love you bunches! See you in a few days!
Love,
Mom
For a 10 Year Old Girl
Dear Michelle,
How is camp? Have you made any neat crafts? Did you like horseback riding? I hope you are enjoying the activities!
I miss you lots! Be sure to take several photos so I can see what you did at camp. We can make a scrapbook together after you get home.
Have you played any fun games? I remember when I went to camp, my favorite was "Capture the Flag." I liked playing it with water balloons the best.
Fluffy missed you too. She slept on your bed last night, I think she will be happy when you come home.
I love you to the moon and back! See you next week!
Love,
Mom
I could show you many more examples but they just seem kind of lame to me. I remember attending camp as a kid and I wasn’t all that interested in receiving or sending letters anyway. I was having a great time and couldn’t be bothered. I assume that’s the case with most kids.
Just to give you a giggle or two here are some quotes from actual camp letters from kids to their parents. There are plenty available for viewing on the web and easy to find if your interested. Many books have also been written and are available from many Web book sellers. They are just too damned cute. Spelling and grammatical errors are included for your amusement.
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“Hey Mom! I’m having so much fun!! …I miss u! But this is so much better than u yelling at me, Joey and dad! (no offense)..love, Googie.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, Our cabin is so dirty and unclean that this bacterial disease called Empitiga so far 4 people in our cabin have it under their armpits. I have it all over my face…”
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“A ginormous tree hit our cabin and knoked it down! When I was in it! No one got hurt, though. It was so scary! When the roof fell off our cabin everyone got soaked!… Love, Juliet. P.s. please do not be alarmed.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, I love everything about this camp except the campers. Love, Sarina”
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“…they made me clean the table. I want to go home!…I stopped crying…But we have chores today. I am the Scraper, Sweeper and Maid.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, This is not a camp from my dreams, it’s the 100th level of hell. I hate this stupid camp. I am getting out of here. Write me. I NEED MORE STAMPS. Save me!!! I am out of stamps.”
Camp is just another phase we’re forced to endure on our way to adulthood. I must say that the camping trips I took during my dating years were way better than summer camp. By then I was a little smarter about girls which made my continuing education much more interesting.
On a regular basis I use quotations to help me explain my opinions on things in a way easy to understand and most times humorous. These quotations can be from famous celebrities, educated teachers, and even the occasional politician who might have something interesting to say. The majority of the persons quoted are deceased which must make them much smarter than when alive. I can’t explain that but it seems to be true.
Comics like Mae West, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor were funny as hell before they died and for some reason many of their quotes are even funnier now. Maybe it’s just the person who’s doing the repeating of those quotes. The most under appreciated author of thousands of quotes and humorous thoughts is almost never properly recognized for his/her efforts in keeping us smiling and laughing. That person goes by two aliases, Unknown and Anonymous. Most of the truly profound quotes by this person are repeated often by many people in their everyday conversations and have been for years. Here’s an example of three:
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Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Anonymous
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There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
Unknown
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Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Anonymous
We’ve heard these quotes for most of out lives although the wording may have changed a little as each decade slides by. They’re still funny and insightful from that ever present Anonymous philosopher. Wouldn’t you enjoy sitting with Mr. or Ms. Unknown/Anonymous for a lunch and follow up conversation? To laugh a lot and appreciate the humor and content of his/her thoughts for just a little while. Common sense seems to be a rarity these days and a person’s ability to communicate profound ideas and thoughts in a humorous way is the rarest gift of all. Here are a few more quotes for your enjoyment.
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9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Anonymous
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Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
Unknown
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Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Unknown
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She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers.
Anonymous
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A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
Unknown
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
Anonymous
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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Unknown
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Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing.
Unknown
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Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Anonymous
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It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Anonymous
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Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Unknown
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Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Unknown
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Don’t brake until you see god, then brake like hell.
Unknown
That list is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Who this Anonymous or Unknown genius is really isn’t all that important. It’s somehow getting his/her ideas out there for us to read, digest, and pass-on that is the important thing. I’ve always found myself drawn to the Anonymous quotes first because for me they represent all of us. The John Doe’s, the Jane Doe’s, and the John Q. Public’s, who seem to have more knowledge than expected and the secret ability to communicate without rudeness or condescension. It’s a true talent.
That being said here is maybe my all time favorite Anonymous quotation. Every time I read it I just smile. It tickles my funny bone and I’m not sure why. It might tell you a little more about me and my sense of humor and that’s okay too.
I find women interesting and the older I get the more interesting they become. Highly emotional with all of the accompanying maternal instincts that pretty much control their lives. The consequences of being the child bearing gender are many but in small doses they aren’t too bad. As with everything else, too much of a good thing can end up being a real problem.
It’s been my observation that certain women have children, love them, raise them, and send them on their way. You’d think they’d be happy to have accomplished such a difficult task as having and then raising a child or two or three or even four. I guess it all depends on the individual woman.
Normally what occurs after the nest has been emptied is their subtle and sometimes subconscious need to try and refill it. Who’s the only logical candidate to help them accomplish that? The poor spouse or partner. He becomes the target of all those wonderful traits that attracted him to her in the first place. It’s a totally different situation when she begins treating her spouse or partner like he’s a prepubescent child. The hovering and constant nit-picking can drive a person over the edge.
How can a man deal with these problems without getting angry and hurting her feelings? Not an easy proposition but unless you find a solution there could be big trouble in River City.
Fortunately if the woman is reasonably aware of what she’s doing and after a period of time (hopefully short) and with the man’s help this phase will pass and life can return to normal (whatever that is). As a man your lucky if this Empty-Nest Syndrome passes quickly and the one thing that can make that happen is the arrival of that first grandchild. All of those pent up motherly feelings can now be targeted to the new baby which in turn makes the man’s life a little easier (but not for long).
Just when you think your life will finally calm down without any more unneeded drama the scariest thing you could ever imagine arrives, “THE CHANGE”. Night sweats, hot flashes, temper tantrums, and a really unfriendly alter-ego that turns your soulmate and life partner into Mrs. Hyde. It could take years for this to come and go and it is one helluva a rough ride for all involved.
I found out the hard way just how bad it can be but after much experimentation I discovered a simple way to short circuit the Change a little. You can’t cure the physical side effects of the Change but you can lessen the impact of the other symptoms with a healthy dose of humor. It’s almost impossible for her to be totally crazy if you can keep her laughing. Mix in healthy doses of hugging, touching, and other dangerous activities and you may just survive to reach the promised land. The promised land is that wonderful place where you can have all the sex you want without fear of pregnancy. It’s weird that Mother Nature makes you wait until old age for this to occur. It would have been nicer to have that luxury back in my thirties.
There you have it. You’re now in your sixties, retired, and have all the time in the world for all that sex you’ve always complained you never had time for. Unfortunately you also no longer have the kind of stamina that’s necessary to fulfill all of your insane sex fantasies. On top of that you have aches and pains in odd places making things even more interesting and difficult.
Mother Nature is one ironic and totally unfunny woman.
Today is a very special day here at Every Useless Thing. I’m officially opening the doors to the E.U.T. University of totally useless knowledge. You’ll learn through our detailed courses of study many of the things that have puzzled mankind for centuries. We have the answers but only you permanent students will be permitted to share that information with us. I know it’s a great honor and you should consider yourself very fortunate.
Todays lessons concern two things which are generally known to us but the true facts aren’t readily available. Thanks to EUTU you are about to be properly informed.
Lesson #1 – How did the word "shit” originate?
It’s been claimed by some that the word ‘shit” originated in the 16th century, when manure was transported by ship. The dry manure weighed little and was stowed below deck. When mixed with water, however, it gained in weight and began to ferment, producing methane gas, which, when exposed to a naked flame, would ignite, causing explosions and fire. Because of these accidents, crates of manure were labeled “Ship High In Transit’ to indicate that the crates were to be stowed above the deck, so that any water that the ship took on would not come into contact with them.
Unfortunately, this explanation is totally false and we here at EUTU through years of detailed research have discovered the real truth. Take good notes on this lesson because this “shit’” information will be included on your first POoP quiz.
The word “shit” is from the middle English word “shitten”, which in turn derived from the old English word “scitan”, from “besciten”, which meant “to be covered with excrement” and is in turn thought to originate from the Indo-European root “skei”. The word “shite”, meanwhile, is a variant form of the word as found in some dialects in Ireland and Scotland, as well as in colloquial English.
There you have the truth of the matter.
Lesson #2 – Why do men often shiver after urinating?
I’m not entirely sure our women students will be all that interested in this phenomenon but since it is an official part of the curriculum and will most certainly be included in future tests please pay close attention ladies.
After a man has finished urinating, it’s common for him to experience a shiver over his entire body. It is technically called post-micturition convulsion syndrome, and scientists are not exactly sure why it occurs. One theory is that urination results in heat loss after the warm urine has been expelled from the body, or through exposing the penis to the air, causing the body to shiver.
Meanwhile another theory suggests that the urination reflex is relayed through the autonomic nervous system, which is responsible for both contracting the urethra to hold in the urine and relaxing it to allow the urine to flow out. Also, as urine is released there is often a change in blood pressure, which might also explain the shivering. Shivering is most common in men and some actually find the experience pleasurable or even mildly erotic.
I can verify these statements because I’ve been experiencing that “shiver” myself for decades. I only pass that information along to you students because I’m a responsible educator with a passion for the truth.
That’s the final lesson for today. Break into study groups and ”bone up” on this important information. It seems that if two or more students can study together the results are much more satisfying.
CLASS DISMISSED
I know all of you are just sitting there and waiting for the answers to yesterday’s celebrity quiz. Here’s the complete list of celebrities with their aliases. How did you really do?
Boris Karloff…..William Henry Pratt
Mary Pickford…..Gladys Smith
Audrey Hepburn…..Edda Van Heemsta
Samuel Goldwyn…..Sam Goldfish
W.C. fields…..William Claude Dunkenfield
Martin Sheen…..Ramon Esteves
Michael Keaton…..Michael Douglas
Roy Rogers…..Leonard Slye
Dale Evans…..Francis Octavia Smith
Mel Brooks…..Melvin Kominsky
Jane Wyman…..Sarah Jane Folks
Whooping Goldberg…..Caryn Johnson
Joan Crawford…..Lucille Le Sueur
Woody Allen…..Allen Stewart Kinigsberg
Charlie Sheen…..Carlos Esteves
On to the next subject. As promised, another list of totally useless information I’ve collected from all sorts of sources both on the net and elsewhere.
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Twenty-eight percent of Africa is wilderness while thirty eight percent of North America is wilderness.
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A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
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A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
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The average person spends three years of his or her life on a toilet.
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Take your height and divide by eight. That’s how tall your head is.
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One in three male motorists picks their nose while driving.
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More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines.
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More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.
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Famous billionaire Howard Hughes stored his own urine in large bottles.
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Approximately $25 million is spent each year on lap dances in Las Vegas.
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23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
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Each year, there are more than 40,000 toilet related injuries in the United States.
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Coca-cola was originally green.
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The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s "It’s a Wonderful Life".
Are you feeling smarter now? Slowly but surely I’m filling your heads with mind numbing information which you’ll probably never use in any conversation and will most likely forget by Monday. It’s my insidious plot to takeover the world, one mind at a time.
