Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
With Thanksgiving over and Christmas rushing towards us I’ve decided to do something I normally wouldn’t consider. I’m reposting a Christmas story from 2015. It meant a lot to me then and all these years later, it still means a lot. I’m not much of a Christmas person but this story is about the best Christmas I’ve ever had. Just reading it again brings back all of those Christmas feelings I’d hope for on this holiday. I’ll kick off the 2022 Christmas season with this . . .
🌲🌲🌲
I’ve talked a great deal over the years about my experiences while serving in the Army. As with any young man or woman serving outside of this country, being away from home and family during the Christmas season for the first time is difficult. In my case I was not only away from family, I was in a non-Christian county that seemed to be more than a little primitive to me.
Their religion was primarily Buddhist and the Christmas holiday meant very little to them. They at times pretended to understand but that was motivated entirely by their desire to make money from visiting Americans.
At the time I was stationed in an area that was primarily populated by rice farmers living in small villages that dotted the northern countryside. There were no paved roads and most villages only had electric power for a few hours a day. For those of us from the United States it was like traveling back in time a hundred years.
I was living almost full time in a local village and actually had my laundry taken to a local river where it was beaten on the rocks with wooden paddles and soap. That certainly took some getting used to for me. My Korean friends seemed totally befuddled by the entire Christmas holiday bro-ha-ha and sat silently as I tried to explain it to them. They were interested in my stories of Christ and the Magi, but the virgin birth story had them all silently giggling a little.
Regardless I was determined to have a Christmas celebration, so I asked a few of them for their help in putting up a Christmas tree. They agreed to help but weren’t exactly sure what I was up to. As that project was progressing, I had a little old mama-san ask me through an interpreter why would any sane person put a tree inside their home. I was hard pressed to answer her because I didn’t know the reason either. They continued to humor me as I explained other peculiarities that they couldn’t quite grasp.
A week or so later with two Korean friends I hiked up a nearby mountain near a small Buddhist temple to find a tree. We ended up dragging back the sorriest looking bush you could ever imagine, set it up in my hooch, and started to decorate it as best we could. There was a hand-made star on top of the tree (my doing) and a number of pieces of charcoal tied to the branches with twine (their doing). I never had that fully explained to me, but it was what they wanted to do. It had something to do with good luck or good pregnancy or something. Since we had no electricity, they suggested placing candles in and around the tree, but I nixed that immediately. The last thing we needed was to burn down my hooch and a portion of the village when a little, dry, and nasty looking tree burst into flames.
I had some GI decorations I made from C-rations that looked stupid as hell but they loved it. Later we ate most of the decorations and drank a bottle of really cheap brandy that I’d brought along for the occasion. I presented them each with a small gift of candy and got a little kiss on the cheek from everyone.
I was still a little homesick but that weird little celebration came to mean a lot to me over the years. It was cozy, friendly, and more than a little strange but it was also genuine. They forever became part of my extended family because they’d made an effort to help get me through a very difficult time. Christmas, the holiday, had very little meaning to them but they realized how important it was to me.
I still wonder to this day if any of them have fond memories of that night and think about it occasionally. I also hope that all of my comrades-in-arms who are away from home this Christmas are lucky enough to find some friends like I did.
Please keep all of our service men and women in your thoughts and prayers this Christmas season. The sacrifice they are making is truly appreciated by those of us who’ve gone before.
🎄🎄🎄
HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR
I thought today I would revisit a subject most of you vaguely remember and that is virginity. Some of you will barely remember being a virgin and others of you have yet to lose yours. My virginity has been gone so long I almost don’t remember losing it. These little poems will take us all back to that special day and allow us to reminisce a little. Kindly step into the limerick time machine and remember.
A lisping young lady named Beth
Was saved from a fate worse than death.
Seven times in a row,
Which unsettled her so
That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth.”
🥰🥰🥰
There was a young fellow named Biddle
Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.
She grabbed hold of his bow
And said “If you must know,
You can try parting my hair in the middle.
🫤🫤🫤
A religious young lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with a prayer.”
😎😎😎
There was a young girl from Hoboken
Who claimed that her hymen was broken
From riding a bike
On a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from pokin’.
🍆🍩🍆
NUFF SAID
To quote an expert, Gary Rimmer, “Number freaking is the art of putting numbers where none existed before. It is an off-the-wall peek at how numbers rule our lives. Number freaking reveals the low drama, unexpected realities, unforeseen truths and even comic connections that emerge when numbers are tested to destruction . . . ” So let’s get started with a few examples.
- If you would spend 80 minutes a night staying with your child, watching them fall asleep, for 7 1/2 years, your total number of hours would total approximately 3652.50.
- It would take Bill Gates earning $55.05 a second – approximately 26 seconds to earn an average Americans weekly wage.
- If your girlfriend weighed 152 pounds, in New York prices she would be worth $896,200 in gold.
- On Tuesday, August 31, 2004, at 1 a.m. EDT, the United States was exactly 2,000,000 hours old.
- Globally, life expectancy at birth, for men is 65 years. If we assume they start thinking about sex at puberty, that means they’ll think about sex approximately every 6 seconds for 52 years. If this is true, a man in his lifetime will think about sex 2.73 million times.
- A pious Muslim is supposed to sport a beard at least the width of the fist. Assuming a man’s fist is at least 3 1/2 inches wide, it would take 233 days to grow a Sharia-compliant beard.
- If a man spends an average of 5 minutes a day shaving, it computes to 1735 hours or 72.3 days in his lifetime.
- According to Oxfam, 1000 people die each hour from hunger-most of them before their fifth birthday. 1200 children under the age of five die each year from preventable disease. In addition, a child dies every 15 seconds from lack of water and sanitation. The total number of deaths worldwide therefore every hour, from preventable disease, hunger and poor sanitation is 2,440. If 2,440 people were to die every hour, in a year there would be 21,389,000 dead from preventable disease, hunger and poor sanitation.
- The average smoker in America smokes 13 cigarettes a day. One of the maxims of the antismoking lobby is that every cigarette smoked knocks 11 minutes. off their life. So, the average American smoker will lose 36 days, 6 hours, 30 minutes, and 45 seconds for every year of smoking.
How’s that for some off-the-wall statistics. As with most statistics, the numbers are approximations, but it doesn’t change the fact that the basic underlying rule is true. How sad is that? Maybe next time I’ll rant on the unscrupulous way in which our politicians use statistics to convince us of whatever they want.
ENJOY YOUR DAY OF REST
How are you feeling today? It’s early in the morning on the day after Thanksgiving and I may not have to eat for another few days. Some people say that gluttony is a sin and believe me I was doing some serious sinning yesterday. It was a fabulous meal and for the first time in my life I celebrated Thanksgiving with just one person, my better half. Two hungry foodies sharing a thirteen-pound turkey and 4 or 5 side dishes. It’s morning and I feel like Jabba the Hut. With that descriptive thought in your head how about I load you up with a gaggle of food trivia items and tips to make you feel a little like I do.
- Tip #1: Here’s a tip for you to always remember when preparing Thanksgiving dinner. Never, I repeat never pick up a hot dish fresh out the oven without some hand protection. As with anything protection (and I do mean everything) is mandatory. I slightly burned my fingers and dropped a dish full of yummy sweet potatoes into the sink along with the dirty dishes. Never fear I ate them anyway.
- Tip #2: Never ever attempt to share a kitchen with a loved one in the throes of “chefdom”. Make no direct eye contact, keep low, and keep moving, and offer no advice about anything. It’s hard for them to hit a moving target.
- The most popular Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor is Cherry Garcia. Unfortunately, I was stuck with half a quart of Cookies & Cream and killed it.
- Tip #3: If by chance you been ordered by a doctor to use only a prescribed salt substitute on your food. Send them an emergency text with the message “KMA”. Hopefully they’ll get the message and understand it. Pass me the real salt.
- Tip #4: When attempting to make a delicious gravy never overuse the corn starch. Within 15 minutes of serving the meal my delicious gravy began to clot. It was not a pretty sight but again I ate it anyway.
- A medium-sized potato provides 45% of the recommended daily value of vitamin C for an adult. I should be good for at least five more days.
- The first cooking school was started by Julia Carson in New York City in 1876. There have been many hundreds of cooking schools since then and unfortunately, I never attended any of them. I give a whole new meaning to the terms, “ad-libbing” and “just a pinch or two” when referring to my cooking skills.
- Tip #5: Always have a fully stocked first-aid kit within reach while cooking. A standard first-aid kit seriously lacks any medicines to properly treat serious burns. Also, if you are a person with large hands pick up a box or two of the extra-large absorbent bandages to sop up any emergency blood loss.
I certainly hope your Thanksgiving was as good as mine was barring any unforeseen catastrophes or injuries. I’ll be sure next year to be fully stocked with emergency supplies and a half gallon of really good ice cream.
TWENTY-NINE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Misconceptions are a common occurrence. We all have them, and most times don’t even realize it. We repeat things we’re told as a child based on the misconceptions of our parents who based it on the misconceptions from their parents and on and on it goes. How many times have your young children arrived home from school with some fantastic fact told to them by others. It’s amazing how young children just know so much about everything (rightly or wrongly) and feel the need to spread their knowledge. Let’s take a look at a few.
- The Pilgrims did not build log cabins, nor did they wear black hats with a conical crown or belts with huge silver buckles.
- Albert Einstein, who was awarded the Nobel Prize for physics in 1921, was honored not for his famous theory of relativity published 16 years earlier, but for his lesser-known work on the photoelectric effect.
- Until the time of Galileo, an argument used with potent effect was that if the earth moved, and if it indeed rotated on its axis, the birds would be blown away, clouds would be left behind, and buildings would tumble.
- Samuel F.B. Morse did not really invent the telegraph. He managed to get all the necessary information for the invention from the American physicist Joseph Henry, and later denied that Henry had helped him. Henry later sued and proved his case in a court of law. It is true that Morse did invent Morse Code.
- Charles Darwin rarely used the term “evolution”. It was popularized by the English sociologist Herbert Spencer, who also popularized the phrase “survival of the fittest”.
- Because of the story in Genesis that Eve had been created out of Adam’s rib, it was widely believed during the Middle Ages that men had one rib fewer than women.
- To protect woolen clothing from moths, people for generations have stored them in cedar chests or have built closets lined with cedar. There is no evidence whatsoever that a cedar chest or closet repels moths.
- Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norkay deservedly received much praise when they were the first to climb to the summit of Mount Everest. Less known is the fact that they had a roster of 12 other climbers, 40 Sherpa guides, and 700 porters to help them along the way.
- Everyone in the Middle Ages believed as did Aristotle that the heart was the seat of intelligence.
- According to legend, it was the cowboy and the six-gun that won the West. Actually, it was the steel plow, barbed wire fencing, and the portable windmill that made it possible for pioneers to settle there.
These above facts just prove my point. Misconceptions go back to the beginning of the human race and will continue to be perpetuated for as long as there’s at least four people left alive. One to tell the initial story, the second to repeat the story, the third to believe the story and then tell it to the fourth.
EASY PEASY!
I’m not known for being a huge Christmas fan but when the season hits, I try to get with the program. My way is more subtle than most but at least I’m trying. Since damn near every retailer has already decorated for Christmas, I decided to make my first contribution to Christmas 2022. How about some interesting facts and lore about mistletoe.
- Mistletoe is known as the kissing plant. Just so you know, it’s only a kissing plant if you can figure out a way to get someone to stand under it. The way things are these days, the wrong approach will get you slapped with a sexual-harassment complaint. You’re better off waiting for the right woman (that would be any woman) to ask you to step under the mistletoe. Then it’s all good.
- In the lore of mistletoe all you hear are good things. Good luck, good health, and lasting friendships are just some of the benefits.
- If you’re a single person you can use mistletoe for another more useful purpose. Draw a circle in front of a fire. Take two leaves of mistletoe giving one in your name and placing it in the circle. Name the other with your lover’s name and place it outside the circle. If your lover is to marry you, the lover’s leaf will jump inside the circle next to your leaf. Jumping leaves… Sounds a little crazy to me.
- Some information received from a gaggle of old wives reveals that mistletoe can ward off sicknesses. For that to work the mistletoe must be cut from an oak tree with the golden hook and never allowed to touch the earth. Disasters are sure to be in your future if you let that tiny little leaf hit the ground.
- Mistletoe was known to be gathered for some Celtic winter solstice festivals. Druids removed the mistletoe from the oak tree with the well-known golden hook and used it as a charm against the many and various evil spirits. It was also supposed to encourage fertility which is always a real plus. Right girls?
- Austrian folklore believes that if you lay mistletoe at your bedroom door, you’ll have a sweet sleep and a beautiful dream. Match that up with encouraging fertility and you got yourself a party.
- For all you ranchers out there, mistletoe was also known to be effective with cattle. If you give a bough of mistletoe to a cow that’s calved after New Year’s Day, you’ll prevent bad luck from attacking your entire herd. Oh yeah just so you know, “No Kissing!”
- If by chance you strike out for the forest in November and December looking for mistletoe and can’t find any, run and hide, disaster is sure to follow. Only fresh mistletoe will retain its magical charms. Anything older than a year has passed its “Use By” date.
There you have it. Everything you always wanted to know about mistletoe but were afraid to ask. So, get off that comfortable couch, put on some warm clothing, get your ass out into the woods before all the good mistletoe is gone. You never know when a band of wandering Druids may sneak in and take all the good stuff.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
And a special thanks to Linda Spencer
It’s time for some cute yet funny limericks written primarily for kids. The author will be noted when possible but most of these limericks are approximately fifty years old. They are cute and funny without a lot of sexual inuendo and profanity. These are just plain fun.
A little boy down in Natchez
Sat upon powder and matchez.
For the seat of war
He hankers no more,
Though re-enforced well with patchez.
😮😮😮
By Hugh Lofting
Here’s a little Jim Nast of Pawtucket
Wo slid down the stairs in a bucket.
He has more understanding
Since reaching the landing,
Just look at the hole where he struck it.
😏😏😏
By Oliver Hereford
A puppy whose hair was so flowing
There really was no means of knowing
Which end was his head,
Once stopped me and said,
“Please, sir, am I coming or going.
🙃🙃🙃
A certain young fellow named Beebee
Wished to wed with a lady named Phoebe.
“But,” said he, “I must see
What the clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.”
🙄🙄🙄
HAPPY MONDAY
I absolutely love sarcasm and sarcastic people. I’ve been one most of my life even before I knew what sarcasm actually meant. I’m a natural. I’ve honed my skills for decades with virtually everyone I’ve ever met and had a conversation with. Amazingly about half of those people never realized just how sarcastic I was being. Too bad, it’s their loss. Recently I happened upon the holy bible of sarcasm. It’s The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm published by Mr. James Napoli, Vice President of The National Sarcasm Society. I was thrilled to find someone sympathetic to the plight of sarcastic people. I thought I’d share a few of Mr. Napoli’s sarcastic meanderings and possibly get some of you uneducated to real sarcasm a thrill. Let’s start with just the “A’s”.
Woody Allen – He’s some elderly creep who married his barely college-aged, adopted stepdaughter. Also apparently made films or something, although any such accomplishments are often usurped by the act of marrying his barely college-aged stepdaughter.
The Amish – A sect of self-sustaining people whose way of life is so different from the current ideological mainstream that it’s a wonder nobody’s bombed them yet.
Animals – Creatures that leave us very few options besides hunting them, eating them, keeping them as pets, or locking them in a cage. That’s just how it is when you hold dominion over all of nature.
Antsy – What irritating, twitchy people were before they have the luxury of saying they had something called restless leg syndrome.
Apartment – This is a place to throw your money away on rent before you throw your money away on a mortgage.
Appliance – Something a man gives his wife for her birthday to subtly indicate that the sexual spark between them is horribly, irretrievably gone.
Appreciate -A word commonly used by superiors to indicate that they want you to do a task patently outside of your job description and that doing it will result in their undying gratitude and heartfelt admiration but absolutely no pay.
Artistic – Having skills or ability in a creative field. It is surprisingly easy to identify artistic talent during youth, as the budding artists are usually the ones getting the crap kicked out of them at recess.
Atheist – A person who privately prays that they don’t turn out to be wrong.
Awesome – A word most properly used to denote something truly breathtaking, unbelievably magnificent, or strikingly wonderful. It is now used to describe everything from a half decent meal to a show of support for someone who just landed an entry-level job at Staples.
That’s just a sample from the first letter of the alphabet. I have twenty-five more letters to go and will be sharing them with you occasionally in the next few months. I’m sure you will all enjoy them as much as I do. (Sarcasm Off)
SARCASM RULES
I’ve talked about “Fake News” in the past and it seems to be a current buzz word when talking about the politicians and media. What many people don’t realize is that fake news is nothing new. It’s been around forever. For years as I grew up, I accompanied my mother and two ex-wives on food shopping trips. While they were checking out, I had the misfortune of killing time reading some of the cheesy tabloids available at the registers. They were full of impossible news items which were funny as hell but hopefully only a fool would have thought any of them to be true. Here is a small collection of headlines from that era that will bring a smile to your face.
1993
BAT WITH A HUMAN FACE
TOWN ELECTS MIDGET POLICE CHIEF
BABY CATCHES BULLET WITH HIS GUMS
KID WITH 3 ARMS IS BASEBALL SENSATION
JUNK FOOD CAUSES TEENS TO WORSHIP THE DEVIL
MY WIFE’S GOST STILL COOKS, CLEAN & IRONS MY SHIRTS
HUMAN JELLYFISH SAYS RUB MY BELLY
WHALE EATERS UNITE
MAN KILLED BY FALLING BIBLE
SWORD SWALLOWER LAUGHED SO HARD HE SLIT HIS THROAT
GOLIATH’S SKULL FOUND IN HOLY LAND
STADIUM HAS SPECIAL AREA FOR NUDISTS
SECRET INGREDIENT IN NEW SKIN CREAM – GOBS OF HUMAN FAT
CHURCH COMMUNION CAN SPREAD AIDS
MAN GIVES GIRLFRIEND PERFUME MADE FROM HIS OWN SWEAT
THIS IS TRULY FAKE NEWS
I am feeling extremely miscellaneous today. Here are 15 miscellaneous truths that you didn’t know you wanted to know. Enjoy!
- Mount Baker in Washington state is the world record holder for the most snowfall in one season. In the winter of 1998-99, the ski resort recorded 1140 inches of snow.
- The first chalkboard for classroom use was recorded in 1714.
- The first read recorded e-mail was sent in 1972.
- Rod Stewart once dug graves for a living.
- Beginning with Super Bowl XXXIV in 2000, footballs used in the big game have been marked with synthetic DNA to prevent sports-memorabilia fraud. Souvenirs from the 2000 Summer Olympics were also marked with human DNA in the ink.
- The last letter added to the English alphabet was “J”.
- A typical American family goes through approximately 6000 pounds of food in any given year.
- Prior to James Madison, US presidents wore knee britches instead of long pants.
- A Twinkie contains 60% air.
- The original name of the game volleyball was “mintonette”. It was created in 1895 when a YMCA gym teacher borrowed from basketball, tennis, and handball to create a new game.
- Thomas Morgan and Elizabeth Caerleon were married for 81 years. When she died on January 19, 1891, their aggregate age was 209 years, 262 days.
- Englishman were once legally barred from witnessing childbirth.
- The stripes on a tigers face are used for identification, since no two tigers sport the same stripe pattern.
- The first fairy tale adapted into cartoon by Walt Disney was Little Red Riding Hood, released in 1922.
- Francis Scott Key wrote the lyrics of the Star-Spangled Banner to the tune of an 18th-century British drinking song.
THE TRUTH WILL STILL SET YOU FREE
everyuselessthing.com 