Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
With the better-half’s vacation coming to an end I can see the light at the end of the honey-do list tunnel. It’s been a great week for use both and to prove it I’m posting a number of miscellaneous photos taken in odd places at odd times. People may call these locations flea markets yard sales or garage sales but let me be a bit more accurate. It’s more like junk yards, piles of crap, or just plain garbage. I know I’m being a little harsh but OMG.
Just what every summer tourist needs . . . snow shoes.
Then who doesn’t need dishes and glassware at a quarter a piece?
I’ve held two garage sales in my life and I know how I prepared for the shopping public. I unloaded every piece of crap I could find onto tables, priced them for under a dollar, smiled a lot, lowered the prices when necessary, and at the end of the day I made a hundred dollars or so. Who knew my crap was so in demand.
Does this look familiar to you?
How about this.
I’m not a shopaholic like my better-half and thank god for that. I can only handle visiting a few of these places before I start to get a little crazy. It makes me itch all over with imaginary bugs and the smell at times is godawful.
Does anyone out there really need a POS boat. NO! How about a bunch of nasty looking lobster traps?
P. T. Barnum had it right all along. As far as suckers go, “There’s one born every minute.
SO TRUE . . . SO TRUE
I think I may be getting a little bit spoiled but trust me . . . I won’t tell that to anyone but you. I never thought I’d live to see the day when I’d be considered spoiled but I have and it arrived yesterday.
My better-half is on vacation this week and we’ve been going and doing anything we want and enjoying it immensely. Yesterday was an almost perfect day. It was in the low eighties, sunny, and not a cloud in the sky. We decided to take a short day trip into New Hampshire to shop for antiques and to just relax and roam around for a few hours. Sounds pretty good right? Then why was I complaining almost the entire time? Why, because I’m spoiled.
After getting home last night I sat on the deck and tried to figure out what my problem might be. I spent a great deal of time whining and complaining about New Hampshire and those endlessly boring forests, lakes, and those beautiful White Mountains. I complained about having to drive twenty miles along dozens of lakes and streams and be forced to see all of this damn beautiful scenery. I also moaned and groaned after traveling through the countryside for an hour about that one car that was tailgating me or the one truck that was in front of me going only twenty miles an hour. Truthfully they were the only other cars on the road at that time. I was also upset that I had to drive by all of those cool little campgrounds and small beaches where I was forced once again to ogle a few well tanned and bikini clad lovelies enjoying their day. Am I going insane of just horribly spoiled?
As we drove home back into Maine I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I could stop bitching about New Hampshire and return to my normal everyday bitching about Maine. More damn forests, more lakes, more good weather, and more of those damn beautiful vistas. Why me? What did I do in a previous life that I deserved all of these wonderful things.
I don’t know for sure but I’m working on it.
Well, another holiday has come and gone. Overall it was a great weekend for us here in Maine. I do realize there are problems in many parts of this country where patriotism is now frowned upon for fear of alienating all of the aliens, both legal and more likely illegal. I recently read an article where a student was sent home from school because he wore a pro-America t- shirt. If that was my son I could easily been persuaded to some sort of violence and rightly so. I realize it’s chic and liberal to trash the United States at every turn but if nothing else it’s disrespectful as hell. It disrespects every person wearing the countries uniform and I suspect it’s mostly done by people who’ve never served.
Also shame on those of you in the academic ranks who insist on turning this country into a liberal, politically correct, and impotent world power by brainwashing our children with liberal claptrap (that’s right . . . I said claptrap.). Shame on you all.
Now that I have that rant off my chest let me continue. My better-half and I did a little traveling around our state over the weekend and I couldn’t have been prouder. It seems that the people of Maine may distrust our politicians (as they should) but still love their country. We must have seen five hundred or more flags flying from buildings, businesses, and homes.
In the town of Sebago, Maine which covers a rather large area, every telephone pole that we saw for miles was flying the colors. So to all of you America haters across the country how about finding the closest airport, get on the fastest plane you can find and GET THE HELL OUT (call me if you need a ride to the airport).
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA
It’s another day in paradise here in Maine as I drag my butt out of bed this morning. Time to leap to my feet, put on my shorts, and go jogging for a few miles. If you believe that then there’s something really wrong. The only jogging I’ll do is with my car. I’ll be spending my time today sitting in front of this computer and working on my series of designs that have consumed me for a month.
Yes, I consider myself an artist even though a few others might dispute that. What others think has never really been something I concern myself with and I doubt I ever will. If you’re around long enough you learn early on that everyone is an effing critic. I love critics and on occasion I’m one myself. It’s the anonymous and cowardly ones that irritate me.
I’ve been reading a strange book of “Poisonous Quotations” and that anonymous guy sure has a lot to say in that tome. Here are a few samples of his anonymous work.
“Modern art is like trying to follow the plot in alphabet soup.”
“Modern art is when you buy a picture to cover a hole in the wall and then decide the hole looks better.”
“A modern artist is one who throws paint on a canvas, wipes it off with a cloth, and sells the cloth.”
“One reassuring thing about modern art is that things can’t possibly be as bad as they are painted.”
Those four quotation are cowardly since the authors were afraid to identify themselves. I don’t mind criticism if the individual will stand up in front of the artist and offer his opinions directly. Here are a few well known people who also have an apparent distaste for art but aren’t afraid to say so publicly.
“Abstract art is the product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.” Al Capp
‘One sees a square lady with three breasts and a guitar up her crotch.” Noel Coward
“Art is a jealous mistress.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Art is either plagiarism or revolution.” Paul Gauguin
“Art for art’s sake makes no more sense than gin for gin’s sake.” W. Somerset Maugham
“I’m glad the old masters are all dead, and I only wish they had died sooner.” Mark Twain
Lets hear from someone once very well known in the political world. Like any politician he takes forth-three words to say two . . . “It stinks.”
“I can truthfully say that the painter has observed the Ten Commandments. Because he hath not made to himself the likeness of anything in heaven above, or that which is on earth beneath, or that which is in the water under the earth.” Abraham Lincoln
And last but not least here is someone who answered his critics directly and clearly. My second favorite favorite artist of all time right behind Salvador Dali as seen above.
“Everyone wants to understand painting. Why don’t they try to understand the singing of the birds? People love the night, a flower, everything which surrounds them without trying to understand them. But painting – that they must understand.” Pablo Picasso
WELL STATED PABLO
In the past I’ve posted lists of things I love and hate. Most of them were done to be humorous or at least tongue-in-cheek. Today I thought it might be nice to list just ten things I really love. I tried to do it seriously without attempts at humor but it’s difficult. These are in no particular order except for the first item which if it showed up lower on the list I’d be a dead man.
- My Better-half (Always first or else.)
- My Stupid Cat (He wanted to be #1 . . . Sorry!)
- Peace & Quiet
- My Mental Strength
- Losing myself for hours while creating anything. (Quality Time)
- Sleeping Naked (Best thing since potato chips were invented.)
- A Really Good Margarita (Or a Mojito)
- Growing Anything
- Eating soup
- A really dirty joke or limerick.**
** I need to offer up some samples of this item or I just wouldn’t feel right about things. These limericks and jokes are “R” rated so if you’re offended by that kind of humor stop reading now.
Limerick #1
There was a woman named Lucille
who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
they found her vagina in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil.
Limerick #2
There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un.
He said, "Oh my love,
It fits like a glove."
Said she, "But you’re not in the right ‘un."
Limerick #3
A gay young man from Khartoum,
took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night,
as to who had the right
to do what, with which and to whom.
Joke #1
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Joke #2
The scene, a newly wed couple on the first night of their honeymoon just before the passionate lovemaking was to begin. The wife tells her husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How’s that even possible? You’ve been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I ever miss him!"
So much for my lame attempt at a little dirty humor. I just felt the need to be off-color this morning. I wonder why?
ENJOY YOUR DAY
‘Honey, I think we missed the turn to Home Goods.’
Well, it’s the first of June and I suppose this could be considered my first real Summer day. Unfortunately for me it’s not starting very well. Last night I was advised by my better-half that we’d be spending her day-off on another of her infamous shopping safaris. Those shopping trips are bearable in the winter when you just want to get out of the house but not so much in Summer when it’s sunny and warm and you can hear the beach calling your name.
I can’t believe in all honesty that I’ll enjoy a day of driving from store to store and waiting in the car. Most of the stores she visits hold no interest for me and I’m truly honored to be permitted to sit in her car and wait for her. I feel a lot like the natives on many of the early Tarzan movies. The great white hunter is strolling along carrying his rifle and a flask of brandy. I’m the last guy in line carrying the 300 pound backpack and silently cursing under my breath.
She packs a purse and a credit card while I usually bring my favorite safari equipment. It consists of my cell phone so I can call for help if necessary, my Kindle to keep me from screaming out of boredom, and this IPad so I can write my posts for the blog about how used and abused I feel.
This is is some sort of weird ass-backward payback for my taking her out to dinner last night. We visited a restaurant called Running of the Mill. It’s a nineteenth century textile mill that has been slowly converted into hundreds of condos, a restaurant, business offices, and an interior mall which is still in the planning stages. It’s directly adjacent to the Saco River and the nearby harbor. It’s very nice.
We had our meal on the terrace and enjoyed the sunshine and the warm breeze. The better-half ordered a slab of haddock as long as her arm and I enjoyed a huge club sandwich and fries.
It was a really relaxing evening and we thoroughly enjoyed the food and the atmosphere. Why she’s paying me back with this shopping foray today is beyond me. She probably thinks she’s doing a favor.
Right now I’m sitting in a Lowe’s parking lot while she spends an hour doing work schedules for her employees. Little does she know that in mere moments I’ll be reclining this seat back and catching a well deserved nap.
AT LEAST SHE LEFT THE WINDOW CRACKED
As summer looms in my future I’ve been attempting to close out some existing projects to make room for what’s to come. My infusion of hot peppers in tequila has finally ended with the hot peppers almost bleached white as you can see. I took a small sample and gave it a taste test and was very very hot. I can’t wait to give it a try in a my first attempt at a Hot Pepper Margarita. I think it will be fine for me and my better-half but I doubt if most people will be able to handle the heat. We’ll see very soon.
‘The Tequila sucks the color and heat from them.’
My second project has been the Sake that’s almost ready for bottling. Within the next few days I’ll begin the bottling process and finally be done with it. It’s taken a little longer than usual due to it’s refusal to clear. It’s looking good now and it also has passed my first taste test.
‘Nice and clear.’
Today I’ll be making my second visit to the Saco Police Department. I’m trying to renew my permit allowing me to carry a concealed weapon for another four years. I’ve held permits in multiple states in the past but I have to say the state of Maine isn’t quite as difficult as some others. My reapplication was only ten pages long and in comparison to some states it’s rather short. I’ve finished the forms, obtained a new and handsome picture of myself, and a check to the city, of course, for $20.00. By far the cheapest fee I’ve ever paid for this constitutional privilege.
CAN’T LET THE BUREAUCRATIC MINUTIA GET ME DOWN
Before I get started today I need to make a declaration. I LOVE HOT PEPPERS! It’s my opinion that almost everything is improved if you can make it hotter. I make a lot of salsa’s and chili’s and have upwards of six really excellent recipes using an assortment of hot peppers. I grow some of my own when possible and I’ll buy from almost any source when certain peppers aren’t available locally.
I received some bad news a few days ago concerning an ex-loved one who passed away. I was feeling a little blue after receiving the news. My better-half suggested we go out for dinner and where better than a Mexican restaurant to look for therapy. We’ve been visiting this restaurant for years and we knew the food would be excellent. Not only could I people watch for a while but I could also eat all of the smoking hot food I could handle. A proper atmosphere to rid myself of the blues.
I’ve told you all of these boring facts about myself so you’ll understand the rest of this story. As we waited for our food to arrive a new bartender appeared and began chatting with everyone. He and I got into a friendly discussion about our love of hot food when he surprised me. He pulled a large jar from under the bar that was filled with tequila. Floating in the the tequila was an assortment of hot peppers, habanero’s, Serrano’s, and jalapeño’s. The tequila had been soaking up all of that lovely flavor and hotness for a week. He dared me to try his latest creation, the “Hot Pepper Margarita”. I couldn’t refuse and look like a coward so I took a long pull on the straw after salting my tongue and lips.
I’m sure you’ve heard the term “taking ones breath away”. That’s exactly what that margarita did. It was a little sweet and hot enough to make me gasp. It was freaking delicious. Little did I know that I was first customer dumb enough to try it. I was so dumb in fact I tried it again and again. My head was sweating, my mouth was burning, and I was in heaven.
Now you know why I have this mother-of-all hangovers this morning. I stumbled into the kitchen last night around 3:00am badly in need of a glass or two of cold water. The water was so cooling and delicious but tasted strangely familiar . . . just like jalapeños. I’m now on my third cup of coffee as I sit here writing this and it too tastes just like jalapeños.
Don’t get me wrong . . . I’m not complaining in the least. I can’t wait to get back on my feet and do it all over again . . . in a week or two.
I’m going out later today to make a few purchases of my own. Two bottles of tequila, habanero peppers, Serrano peppers, and a few jalapeño peppers. I’ll be making my own hot pepper infusion to serve a perfect Hot Pepper Margarita to any of our summer visitors.
PASS THE ADVIL PLEASE.
No, I’m not celebrating computer Spam, that would be stupid. I’m celebrating my all time favorite meat product much loved and much hated around the world. I began my love affair with SPAM while in the service of our great country. The Army introduced me to discipline, mean DI’s (drill instructors ), forced marches, and much, much, more including SPAM. My love for SPAM was one of the only things I left the Army with except for a bag of really ugly olive green clothing.
Many people, my better-half included, hate SPAM. I’ve never understood why because it’s freaking delicious. Since this blog is dedicated to all categories of trivia I thought it only fair you learn something about SPAM today on it’s birthday. I collected a great deal of information from around the Net and elsewhere on this subject and here it is.
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George A. Hormel & Co introduces SPAM on this date in 1891 although it wasn’t marketed until 1937.
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During WW II, Hormel sold more than half of its output to the U.S. government, which supplied SPAM to the armed forces of the U.S., and also to the U.S.S.R. under the lend-lease program.
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A convenient source of protein that required no refrigeration, 100 million pounds of SPAM were shipped to Allied troops during World War II. Russian president Nikita Khrushchev is quoted as saying, “Without SPAM, we wouldn’t have been able to feed our army.”
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No one outside the company really understands what the name SPAM represents. While people have posited “Something Posing As Meat” and “Specially Processed Artificial Meat,” the title is likely derived from the words “spiced ham” or an acronym for “Shoulders of Pork And Ham.”
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To distinguish Hormel’s "spiced ham" from similar products, the company held a contest to come up with a unique name. Kenneth Daigneau, brother of a Hormel executive, won the $100 prize with ‘SPAM.’
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Hormel produces 44,000 cans of SPAM every single hour. If that sounds like a lot, consider the facts that the canned good is available in 41 countries and comes in 14 varieties. Despite what critics may say, the world loves “Swine Parts and More!”
‘SPAM Sir-fry’
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The 1 billionth can of SPAM was sold in 1959.
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The 6 billionth can was produced in 2002.
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The 7 billionth can was sold in 2007.
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In 2012 SPAM was being sold in more the 44 countries.
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Hawaii ranks highest amongst the states in SPAM consumption, downing seven million cans a year. Found in grocery stores, on the McDonald’s menu, and featured at high-end restaurants, Spam should probably be added to the state flag.
‘SPAM & French Fries Casserole’
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Richard LeFevre holds the world record for eating SPAM by eating 6 pounds in 12 minutes.
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In the United States alone, 3.6 cans of SPAM are consumed every second, making it the number one product in its category (canned meat) by far.
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On the island of Guam, more than eight cans of SPAM are consumed by every person each year.
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West Yellowstone sponsors the ‘SPAM Cup’ cross country ski race, with the winner receiving one can of SPAM.
‘SPAM Sushi’
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In addition to the U.S., spam is produced in 7 other countries: Australia, Denmark, UK, Japan, Philippines, South Korea and Taiwan. SPAM is distributed in more than 50 countries.
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The SPAMJAM Cafe opened in February 2004 in the Philippines. Except for hot dogs, French fries and desserts, all other menu items are made with SPAM, including SPAM Burger, SPAM Hero, SPAM Club, SPAM Spaghetti, SPAM Baked Macaroni, SPAM Nuggets and SPAM Caesar Salad.
‘Only True SPAM Lover’s Can Pull These Off’
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SPAM even has a mascot — Spammy, the miniature pig. In 1991, for its 100th anniversary, Hormel Foods opened the First Century Museum. The exhibit of SPAM memorabilia quickly became the most popular.
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SPAM has earned a place in pop culture history partially thanks to the Brits. The canned creation made its television debut on "Monty Python’s Flying Circus" in 1970.
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A collector’s edition SPAM — Stinky French Garlic — was introduced to celebrate the opening of "SPAM lot" in London. Not shockingly, the stinky SPAM tasted far better than anything else in the culinary-challenged country.
So there you have it. Everything you ever needed to know about SPAM but were afraid to ask. I love it so much I always have at least one can hidden away in the house. Once my better-half goes to work I’ll get it out and prepare any one of a dozen recipes I love. My all time favorite is my version of SPAM Fried Rice and it’s to die for.
MORE SPAM . . . MORE SPAM . . . MORE SPAM
Now that I have grandchildren running through the house occasionally I’ve been forced to curb my use of all cusswords. I’ve always loved cursing and swearing but stopping cold-turkey has been tough. I have no doubt they’ll be picking up a few dozen new cuss words at home and especially at daycare. We can only hope they don’t pick up too many of the really good ones for a while yet.
I decided to do a little research into cussing as it applies to what will be their daily lives soon enough. Before I do that I thought I’d give you a short history lesson too. Here’s a few retro cusswords from back in the good old days.
Old School Cussing
Heavens to Betsy
Jumpin’ Jahosafat
Yikes
Gadzooks
Holy cow
Sugar
Dagnabit
flippin’
Geez Louise
Jeez oh man,
Fudge
Eat it … RAW
Hell’s bells
Oh Shoot
Great Caesar’s Ghost
Jiminy Cricket
Holy Mary-Mother of God
They sound so lame to us now but back in the day they got the job done with us kids. My Mom knew all of these and a few more modern words as well. Now lets take a look at cusswords in use in the USA today. Some fool took the time to do a study to determine what states used certain cusswords the most. Here are the results.
Asshole – New England, Nevada, Oregon, Utah, Arizona
Bitch – Texas through the Carolinas – Along the coast.
Darn – Most of the Great Plains states.
Shit – Texas to Delaware along the coast.
Fuck – All coastal states, East, West, and South.
Motherfucker – Southwestern states and Maine’s
Before too long our grandchildren will on the Web and getting introduced to Facebook and Twitter and all of the associated idiots who roam there. Here is some information and usage on both of those sites.
Twitter
Detailed work by researchers at Wright State University in Ohio has found that 34.7% of all the swearwords in their sample of 51m tweets were "fuck" or one of its long list of cognates.
In comparison, the second and third most popular swearwords – "shit" and "ass" – accounted for 15.0% and 14.5% respectively, while other highlights included "bitch" (10.3%), "hell" (4.5%), "whore" (1.8%), "dick" (1.7%), "piss" (1.5%) and "pussy" (1.2%). Between them, the top seven make up 90.6% of all the swearing on Twitter.
Facebook
Someday, when aliens are sifting through Facebook data to find out what 21st-century humans thought and cared about, they’re going to see a lot of shit. That’s the most popular swear word on Facebook, according to an analysis by Slate. In the three-day period queried, shit appeared in 10.5 million U.S. Facebook interactions, fuck in 9.5 million, damn in 6.3 million, bitch in 4.5 million, and crap in 2 million.
This next section applies directly to Rap Music. It’s always been known for bad language and we find out now that criticism was totally justified. I feel bad for the fool that had to sit through this terrible music to complete this study. It must have been brutal.
Rap Music
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217.7 cuss words-per-album average.
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One song from the study had, on average, 13.76 instances of profanity.
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Too $hort’s 1985 album Raw, Uncut & X-Rated was the most profane album, clocking 49.8 curse words per song.
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The most profane artists per song were The Geto Boys, as they uttered cuss words on average 46.4 times per song. The second-most vulgar artist? Geto Boys’ Scarface, with 33.3 cuss words per song.
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Bun B’s song “Some Hoes” had the most instances of profanity in its lyrics with over 113 cuss words. The words “nigga” (51 times) and “ho” (46) make up the majority. However, the study qualifies that Lil Jon’s “Roll Call” is perhaps the most vulgar with 329 cuss words but it was not used in the study.
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The most profane year in Hip-Hop from the study was 2001 with 22.66 cuss words per song.
If both grandson’s can last more than fifteen minutes in this cuss filled society without becoming cussing experts it will be nothing short of a miracle. Since I believe that “turn-about is fair play” I’ll just wait until they start cussing on their own then I’ll step in and add a few of mine.
SHIT ! ! !
IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR FACEBOOK, IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
