Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category
As most of you are well aware, I love limericks. And I don’t discriminate, I like them dirty, sexy, sassy, and any other way you can think of. With that in mind I recently discovered a book, a very small little book of limericks that were written more than 25 years ago. They’re not dirty, sexy, or sassy, but they are cute. These are silly limericks that will make you grin just a little and were almost certainly written for children. So if your let loose your inner child for just a bit you should enjoy these immensely.
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A ghost in the town of Khartoum
Asked a skeleton up to his room.
They spent the whole night
In the eeriest fight
As to who should be frightened of whom.
💥💥
A glutton who lived on the Rhine
When asked what time he would dine,
Replied, “At eleven,
Four, six, three and seven,
And eight and a quarter to nine.”
💥💥💥
A cheerful old bear at the zoo
Could always find something to do.
When it bored him to go
On a walk to and fro,
He reversed it, and walks fro and to.
💥💥💥💥
There was an old fellow named Green
Who grew so abnormally lean,
And flat, and compressed,
His back touched his chest,
And sideways he couldn’t be seen.
💥💥💥💥💥
There was the man from the city
Who met what he thought was a kitty.
He gave it a pat
And said, “Nice little cat.”
Just look at him now – what a pity!
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ONE OF MY FAVORITE SILLY LIMERICKS
There once was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket!
😍😍😍
I find it a little strange that the minute I blog about the 1980’s my responses go through the roof. I lived through the 80’s and was never all that fascinated by the things that occurred then. People love the crudeness and rudeness of 80’s humor and don’t get me started on the limericks. Through the effing roof. In keeping with reader demands, todays little quiz will test your memories of the 80’s unless you were “stoned” most of the time. I’ll excuse all of you stoners out there just this once. As always, the answers are below.
- Operation Able Archer was the codename of _______ that took place in 1983.
- _______ was the teacher who died in the Challenger disaster.
- What year did the Berlin Wall come tumbling down?
- Margaret Thatcher is a member of what British political party?
- Muammar Gadhafi was the dictator of what Middle Eastern country?
- Mikhail Gorbachev initiated reforms meant to _______ the Soviet Union.
- The passenger jet the Soviets shot down in 1983 was from what company?
- How many points to did the Dow Jones Industrial Index lose on Black Monday?
- What caused the Challenger disaster?
- President Reagan ordered the _______ of Libya after a terrorist attack in West Berlin.
Answers
NATO wargames, Christa McAuliffe, 1989, Conservative, Libya, Save, Korean air lines/Korean Air, 508, O-ring failure, Aerial bombing.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT – I SCORED 8 CORRECT
I want introduce you today to a few limericks which have been laundered. I guess laundered means a lot of the truly vulgar language has been cleaned out and made more readable to entertain a larger group of people. I discovered these limericks in a very small little book published in 1960. They were newly written at the time but they’re still just as enjoyable as they were then.
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A herder who hailed from Terre Haute
Fell in love with a young nanny goat.
The daughter he sired
Was greatly admired
For her beautiful angora coat.
💥💥
There was the young laundress named Singer
Whose bust was a round pink humdinger.
But flat, black and blue
It emerged into view
The day it got caught in the wringer.
💥💥💥
A merchant addressing a debtor
Remarked in the course of his letter.
That he chose to suppose
A man knows what he owes
And the sooner he pays it the better.
💥💥💥💥
The bashful young bachelor Cleary
Of girls was exceedingly leery.
Then a lady named Lou
Showed him how and with who
He could render his evenings more cheery.
😍😍😍😍😍
And here’s a tongue twister for you.
Drew drew Lulu in a tutu,
Lulu in a tutu Drew drew,
Lulu drew Drew, too,
Drew drew a few anew,
Till who knew who in the hell drew who.
😍😍😍😍😍
LIMERICKS RULE
It’s another gray and rainy day here in Maine which always gives me a terrible case of the blahs. So, this is the perfect day for me to return to my easel and complete some art projects that I’ve had going on for some weeks now. I can just relax and get into “the zone” while working on these projects which helps me forget what a really crappy day it is. With that thought in mind, I dug into my archives of old limericks for a selection dated in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s. Maybe one or more of them will make you smile a bit, who knows? For the most part they are rated PG.
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A virgin emerged from her bath
In a state of righteous wrath,
For she had been deflowered
When she bent as she showered,
And the handle was right in the path.
💥💥
A born again Christian named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with prayer.”
💥💥💥
A penny-less colleague named Cy,
Remark to a lass passing by,
“I’ve never adjusted
To being flat busted.”
Said she, with a sigh, “Nor have I.”
💥💥💥💥
There was a young fellow named Dice
Who remarked, ‘They say bigamy’s nice.
Even two is a bore
I prefer three or four,
For the plural of spouse, it is spice.”
One of my Fav’s.
An organic chemist soon found,
While pushing aminos around,
He’d no sense of smell,
And couldn’t quite tell
His acids from holes in the ground.
🤪🤪🤪
As you can see by the title this post is a Limerick Alert. Sometimes that means bawdy and off-color, and other times lame and just plain entertaining. Something else that we all seem to love are our pets and animals, therefore all of today’s limericks will be “animal” related. Here are four examples that caught my eye and I hope you enjoy them. I’d rate these limericks as “G” so the kids can read them too.
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There once was a young lady named Maggie
Whose pet dog was terribly shaggy,
The front end of him
Look quite vicious and grim,
But the tail was always friendly and waggy.
💥💥
The thoughts of a rabbit and sex
Are seldom, if ever, complex.
For a rabbit in need
Is a rabbit indeed,
And does just as one might expect.
💥💥💥
A freshman from down in Laguna
Fell madly in love with a tuna.
The affair, although comic,
Was so economic,
He wished he’d have thought of it soona!
💥💥💥💥
A sightseer from far McAboo,
Observed a strange beast at the Zoo,
When she asked: “Is it old? “
She was smilingly told
It’s not an old beast, but a gnu!.
🤪🤪
And finally a clean favorite for my better-half the gardener:
TIME TO YUCK IT UP
Todays post contains a modest collection of ethnic Irish humor. The jokes are quite lame and unfortunately the limericks are quite tame. Since I have a few Irish ancestors hiding in my family tree, I feel obligated to share some of their humor with you. And not to ignore the obvious Irish traits and traditions, I’ll be drinking a glass of excellent Irish whiskey as I type this post. And before anyone asks . . . no, I don’t have red hair.
Lets start with a few one liners.
🍀
- He was a terrible wreck and his trembling hands told the whole story. “Tell me,” asked his doctor, “do you drink much?” “Deed I don’t. Sure I spill most of it.”
- “That will be five pounds or a month in jail,” the judge said sharply. “Very well, sir,” said Flaherty, “I’ll take the five pounds.”
- Then there was the Irish shopkeeper who said his eggs were so fresh the hens hadn’t missed them.
Here a a couple of true Irish limericks.
🍀
A lovely young maiden of Kilglass,
Who wore intimate garments of brass.
Pat, one night on the porch,
With an acetylene torch,
Just melted her resistance, at last!
🍀
A western young lady named Flynn,
Would tell of her plans with a grin,
“I intend to be bold,
In manner untold,
For there’s need of original sin.”
And last but not least, some pithy Irish sayings for your pleasure.
☘️
Then there was the Irishman who was asked the difference between an explosion and a collision. “In a collision,” he replied, “there you are but in an explosion where are you?“
☘️
She was only a whiskey maker’s daughter but he loved her still.
☘️
A notice in a Galway newspaper some years ago is worthy of preservation: “Because of a lack of space a number of births have been held over until next week.”
☘️
The police department magazine in Dayton, Ohio, once carried the following ad: For sale, second-hand tombstone, excellent buy for someone name Murphy.
🍺🍺🍺
SLEEP IS THE FIRST SIGN OF RECOVERY
Limericks are the best. I’ve been reading them for years and writing a great many of my own. My limerick archives go all the way back to 1879. I did discover that posting some of those really old ones requires a bit of a rewrite. Some of the profanities back then were just gratuitous and actually detracted from the overall entertainment value. I may have softened the language a little but they’re still a fun read. Todays selections are related specifically to younger women. Don’t complain to me about the content, the people who wrote these have been dead a very long time.
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A bather whose clothing was strewed
By winds that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong
You expected this line to be lewd. (1944)
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A lady athletic and handsome
Got wedged in her sleeping room transom.
When she offered much gold
For release, she was told
That the view was worth more than the ransom. (1944)
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There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you’d probably think,
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass. (1940)
💞💞💞
I’m tempted to post a few of my own limericks but unfortunately they’re very rude and sexual explicit. I may rewrite them someday but not today. Instead I offer up a rather lame poem of mine written about my first sexual experience, to show all of you what a freaking romantic I’m not. LOL
💖PUPPY LOVE💖
First love is a thrill you never forget,
It sends a warmth through your heart.
Sixty years later the memory remains,
but the feelings have fallen apart.
How to recall those wonderful days,
when the freshness of things made you wish,
For the love a girl with beautiful hair,
in a field, all alone…
Do you smell fish?
😍😍😍
EAT YOUR HEART OUT WALT WHITEMAN
I feel like celebrating today due primarily to four consecutive days with no rain and being able to sleep at night without an electric blanket. It’s mid-June and winter keeps trying to hang on and I’m sick of it. Here are four moderately suggestive limericks I would rate at PG-13. Keep the kids away while you read them. Let’s get started.
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There once was a horny old witch
With a motorized dildo which
She would use with delight
All day and into the night
Twenty bucks at Abercrombie and Fitch.
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Nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And her ass-hole in Buckingham Palace
💥💥💥
There was a young woman of Croft
Who played with herself in a loft,
Having reasoned that candles
Would never cause scandals,
Besides which it never went soft.
💥💥💥💥
An agreeable young girl named Miss Doves
Likes to masturbate the men that she loves.
She’ll use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
🤪🤪🤪
C’MON SUMMER
I’ve always been attracted to graveyards. There’s no better place to paint, sketch or write than the peaceful quietness of a graveyard. It’s one of the few places still left where someone can go and relax without interferences from the rest of the living human race. I once lived in a city called Lakeville in Massachusetts and for many years I was known far and wide by the police departments and many citizens as someone who was consistently haunting local graveyards. In the Plymouth area there are still tombstones from the 1600’s with some truly bizarre epithets and poetry. I just takes a little time and dedication to find them. Todays post will contain what some people would consider morbid information and that’s true, it is a little morbid but it’s still interesting. Being the kind and generous soul that I am, I’m willing to share.
😵😵😵
- “Haircut!” Last words of famous gangster Albert Anastasia in 1957 while getting a trim.
- “Smite my womb.” Spoken by Agrippina, mother of Nero, to the assassins sent to kill her by her son.
- “The strongest.” Uttered by Alexander the Great when asked who should succeed him.
- “The executioner is, I believe, an expert . . . and my neck is very slender. Oh God, have pity on my soul, . . . ” as she was beheaded.
- “I hope so.” Stated by Andrew Carnegie, steel magnet and philanthropist, to his wife who’d just wished him a good night:
Epithets
Burlington, Massachusetts
Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness sake;
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’,
So he sought for repose in a twelve dollar coffin.
😨😨😨
Whitingham, Vermont
Brigham Young
Born on this spot
1801
A man of great courage
and superb equipment.
😱😱😱
Skaneateles, New York
Underneath this pile of stones
Lies all that’s left of Sally Jones,
Her name was Briggs, it was not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.
🤠🤠🤠
One of my fav’s
Boot Hill Cemetery, Dodge City, Kansas
PLAYED FIVE ACES,
NOW PLAYING THE HARP.
I’ll be diving deep into the past for some nasty and funny limericks categorized under the label of “Chamber of Horrors”. These are all dated between 1938 and 1944 and reflect a reference or two about the war. Enjoy . . .
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It was on the seventh of December
That Franklin D. took out his member.
He said, like the bard,
“It will be long and very hard,
Pearl Harbor has given me something to remember.”
💥💥
It’s a helluva fix that we’re in
When the geographical spread of the urges to sin
Causes juvenile delinquency
With increasing frequency
By the Army, the Navy, and Errol Flynn.
💥💥💥
Said a platinum blonde from Warsaw,
As she looked at herself in the raw,
“Neath my umbilicus
(And as like Mike as Ike is)
There’s a picture of George Bernard Shaw.”
💥💥💥💥
When the Nazis landed in Crete,
This young harlot had to compete
With many Storm Troopers
Who were using their poopers
For other things than to excrete.
🪖🪖🪖🪖
WAR IS HELL BUT PEACE TIME IS A MOTHERF**KER
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