Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category
Ask any foreigner visiting the United States as to our language with its many and varied slang words. It has to be impossible to understand for most of them because truthfully, it’s pretty hard to understand even if you were born and raised here. I’ve noticed in recent weeks while reviewing some British Tick-Tock participants who apparently are as confused about some of our language as I am. For years I’ve collected a huge list of clichés because they intrigue me. Some of them are cute but if you’re not an American you’ll have one helluva time trying to figure them out. Today I’ll share with you a few samples that you’ve heard but probably never knew where they originated. See would just think . . .
SLEEP TIGHT
This term is nothing more than a way of saying “good night and sleep well”. The phrase dates back to when beds were made of rope and straw. It is a shortened form of the expression, sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite.” Before going to sleep at night, people would have to pull the ropes tight in order to have a firm bed to sleep on as the ropes would’ve loosened during the course of the previous night’s sleep. (I’ve actually slept on a rope bed and it’s like a sort of punishment or torture.)
SNUG AS A BUG IN A RUG
This expression dates from the 18th century, although a “snug” is a 16th century word for a parlor in an inn. The phrase is credited to Benjamin Franklin, who wrote it in 1772 as an epitaph for a pet squirrel that had belonged to Georgiana Shipley, the daughter of his friend the Bishop of St. Asaph. Franklin’s wife had sent the gray squirrel as a gift from Philadelphia, and they named him Skugg, a common nickname for squirrels at that time. Tragically, he escaped from Its cage and was killed by a dog. Franklin then wrote this little ditty:
Here Skugg
Lies snug
As a bug
In a rug.
KISS OF DEATH
This phrase derives from Judas Iscariot’s kiss given to Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane before he betrayed him (Luke 23:48 and Matthew 26:49). It’s also known as a “Judas Kiss,” meaning an insincere act of courtesy or false affection. In Mafia circles, a kiss from the boss may indeed be a fatal omen. The phrase is often used today in political or business contexts, meaning that certain associations or actions may prove to be the undoing of a person or organization, or the downfall of a plan or project. (I always thought it referred to several of my former ex-girlfriends.)
CATCH FORTY WINKS
A colloquial term for a short nap or a doze. Just why shutting one’s eye 40 times has come to mean a quick snooze is unclear, but it could have something to do with the fact that the number 40 appears frequently in the Scriptures and was thought to be a holy number. Moses was on the Mount for 40 days and 40 nights; Elijah was fed by ravens for 40 days; the rain of the Flood fell for 40 days, and another 40 days passed before Noah opened the windows of the ark. Christ fasted for 40 days, and he was seen 40 days after his Resurrection. As an aside: A “40” is a bottle containing 40 fluid ounces of malt liquor beer. Street gang members will drink 40’s and will sometimes pour out a little of the beer onto the ground for their dead homies. (Not so holy anymore.)
PUT A SOCK IN IT
This is a plea to be quiet, to shut up, to make less noise. It comes from the end of the 19th and the beginning of the 20th centuries, when the early gramophones, or phonographs, had large horns through which the sound was amplified. These mechanical contraptions had no volume controls, and so a convenient method of reducing the volume was to stuff a woolen sock inside the horn.
I LOVE WORDS!
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
🐶👩🏻
- The family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of “boobies” are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20’s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions”? asked the son. “Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked, “Mom”, how many kinds of penises are there? The mother smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20’s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. In his 30’s and 40’s, it’s like a birch, flexible and reliable. After his 50’s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” queried the daughter. “Yes, “it’s dead from the roots up and the balls are for decoration only.
- Two guys were walking home from work one afternoon. “Shit,” said the first guy, “as soon as I get home, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties off!” “What’s the rush?” his friend asked. “The fucking elastic in these legs is killing me,” the guy replied.
- “The man was on the witness stand and the lawyer asked him, “What was my client doing that night? The witness said, “He was fucking!!” The judge told the witness, “You can’t say fuck in court.” So, the lawyer again asked the man, “”What was my client doing on that night?” “He was fucking your honor!!! The judge said to him again, “Listen, if you say fuck again, I’m going to hold you confined in jail for 30 days for contempt of court.” So, the lawyer rephrased his question and said, “Could you describe what my client was doing on that night?” The man thought quietly for moment and said this:
“His pants were down to his knees,
His ass was swinging in the breeze,
His you know what was in the you know where,
And if that isn’t fucking, you can give me the chair.”
If you had sex 365 times in one year and melted down
all the condoms to make a tire, what would you call it?
A FUCKING GOODYEAR
Now that Labor Day has come and gone, we can all kick back, relax, and wait for the Fall foliage, then snow, and of course the string of holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, New Years Eve and finally New Years Day. I’m exhausted already from just listing them all. Maybe I’m overdue for a two-month vacation to any remote island filled with topless native girls, beach feasts, and lots of grog and margaritas. But since that’s not happening how about we kick off the Fall season with a few “G” rated limericks.
My laptop, with skill and finesse,
has a brain that can beat me at chess.
But with no arms or body,
it stinks at karate.
Now please help me clean up this mess.
💥
I met a young spider named Deb,
who’s become quite a singing celeb.
When I asked how she’d grown
to be so well known,
she replied, “I’m all over the web!”
💥💥
Mom said our dog’s part retriever,
part collie, part badger and beaver,
and part German Shepherd,
part penguin, part leopard.
I’m nor sure if I should believe her.
💥💥💥
Biking, Mackensie once rode
down a street – heard a “pop” – and she slowed.
In discovering that
her front ire was flat,
she said, “Must have been that fork in the road!”
💥💥💥💥
SPECIAL THANKS TO BRIAN P. CLEARY
I’m not what anyone would consider a rabid sports fan. I love the NFL and the Pittsburgh Steelers, but I still can’t sit for three hours to watch a game filled with constant annoying commercials. I now rely on Facebook to supply me with recaps on Monday morning. I was for many years a huge fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates but that eventually faded away due to an organization afraid to spend money on exceptional players. They seem to have improved in this area this year, but I’ve been fooled before . . . so color me skeptical. One thing I’ve always loved even more than sports was any good limerick. I searched out a few samples about sports and I found them to be just as enjoyable as any sports event on television.
A showoff whilst skating on ice,
Turned a difficult somersault (twice).
He bounced on his head,
Spat out six teeth and said:
“I must try that again- it was nice!”
💥💥💥
I hit every home run we score,
I catch every catch and what’s more,
I aint missed a game,
You may not know my name,
But I’m up here in row eighty-four.
💥💥💥
I played a few times for the Yankees
(Though, as memories, I’ve tried to blank these).
I did what I could,
But I wasn’t much good,
And my antics had fans grabbing hankies.
💥💥💥
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire “blind” out of malice.
While the ump had fits,
The team scored eight hits,
And a girl in the bleachers called Alice!
🏈🏐⚾🧢
GO STEELERS
I come from a long line of dog lovers. My parents always had multiple dogs for many years. My father ran a training kennel for beagles and our home and yard was always filled with twenty to thirty puppies. I spent my formative years feeding, grooming, and shoveling many wheelbarrows loads of 💩💩. If I was being punished for any reason (and there were many), I was forced to clean the kennels in my bare feet during a rainstorm. Yes, you guessed it, I am not a dog person. I love most dogs but the ones I like best are those that are owned by someone else. I love playing with dogs and they love playing with me but then I get to go home, and they don’t. I’m sure some of you dog lovers out there will be moaning and groaning over this post but the truth is the truth. I’m a decades long cat lover. To help you get through this post here are a few “dog” jokes for all of you “dog” people and I hope they make you smile.
- A dog walks into a bar, he jumps up on the barstool and says to the bartender, “Hey, today’s my birthday. Do I get a free drink?” The bartender replies, “Sure, the toilet is around the corner.”
Q. What’s a dog’s favorite wine? A. “Please, please, please throw my ball”!
- A great Dane walks into a bar and calls to the bartender, “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . water.” The bartender looks at the Dane and says, “What’s with the long pause?” “These?” the dog asks, looking down at his feet, “I’ve had them all my life.”
Dog Haiku’s
My human is home!
Joy oozes from me
Onto the kitchen floor.
🐶🐶🐶
How do I love thee?
The ways are as infinite
As my hairs on the rug.
🐶🐶🐶
I feel it in my fur
The seasons of the fleas
Is upon us again.
BOW WOW DAMMIT!
Now that my blog has returned to something close to normal, what better way to start fresh than having a slightly off-color Limerick Alert. I thought I’d start out with this first limerick that hopefully will be appreciated by all of you poets out there. I’m sure you’ll recognize the reference to one of my favorite poets as soon as you see it.
There was a young man from New Haven
Who had an affair with a raven.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
“Nevermore!”
😏😏😏
There once was a girl named Mc Goffin
Who was diddled amazingly often.
She was a rogered by scores
Who’d been turned down by whores,
And was finally screwed in her coffin.
😁😁😁
There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend’s wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed
He cried, “God strike me dead!
This aint a pussy – it’s a corridor!”
😎😎😎
The lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
When they ask her its size
She replied in surprise,
“Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?”
🥇
E. A. P.
I’m trying desperately to remain cool here in my man-cave. Our house is not airconditioned so needless to say I’ve been spending most of my time in my cave which is so much cooler than the upper floors. I’ve located fans all around to help keep my computer system from overheating and it also helps to have a fridge nearby filled with cold beer, chilled wine, and icy cold water. I’ll remain here until the weather breaks or until hell freezes over, whichever comes first.
So, let me think. What could possibly make a hot and steamy day better? Hmm! Raunchy limericks immediately come to mind, and I intend to share a few with you.
Three cheers for the year “69”,
A year of erotic design.
It suggests a position
For oral coition,
Which suits nonvegetarians just fine.
💥ARE YOU FEELING COOLER YET? 💥
There was a young man from Ann Arbor
Whose cock was cut off by a barber.
In great consternation,
He said, “Masturbation
Will henceforth be very much harder.”
💥ITS GETTING FROSTY IN HERE! 💥
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling.
💥WHERES MY PARKA AND GLOVES? 💥
A scientist from Russia named Adam
Took a pot shot at splitting the atom.
He blew off his penis,
And now, just between us,
Is known in the Kremlin as Madam.
😁🤪🙃😎🥰😂😏
WE’RE JUST TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL!
Since it’s the Fourth of July I assume everyone is celebrating. I just wonder what exactly it is that they are actually celebrating. Some say it’s for the nation’s birthday, but I think in most cases that’s disingenuous. I celebrate this holiday with respect for the individuals who were responsible for the creation and continuing protection of America. That’s the extent of my feelings on the matter So . . .
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!
I think it’s time to turn over the celebration to some worthy children and their poetry. Anything non-political is always the way to go for me. Poetry is always interesting, especially the work of younger children whose approach is often simple and powerful. Let’s go . . .
Written By Stefan Martul, Age 7, New Zealand
I feel drops of rain,
And it goes; SPLISH! SPLOSH!
On my head,
And sometimes it goes; SPLASH! BANG! CRASH!
on my coconut.
📝📝📝
Written by Hannah Hodgins, Age 11, United States
THE SACRED CLOUDS
The clouds are stuck and scared to move
For fear the trees might pinch them
✍🏻✍🏻✍🏻
Written by Geeta Mohanty, Age 13, India
PEARLS ON THE GRASS
After the beautiful rain,
The rocks shine under the sun,
Like the droplets on the cobweb
Amongst the green, green grass.
✒️✒️✒️
Written by V. Cokeham, Age 10, England
There is an umbrella
In the sky,
It must be raining
In Heaven
I have one prayer to say to God
Don’t let it rain tomorrow.
*****
“The world is never the same once a good poem has been added to it.”
Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)
SHOW THE FLAG – THANK A VETERAN
HAPPY FOURTH
🍆🍩🍆🍩🍆🍩
I’ve always thought of myself as quite the romantic but unfortunately there weren’t many women who agreed. All you really can do is accept your failings and keep on trying. I admit that after hearing ‘you’re not very romantic” a dozen or more times I finally got the message. Unfortunately, I never seemed to get it right and after discussions with other men I discovered it was quite possible that I wasn’t the entire problem. I continued to stumble along like a kid in a candy store with no pennies in his pocket. These limericks are for all of those ladies (and I use the term loosely) that didn’t appreciate my hundreds of romantic moves. These beautiful poems are a little dated, but they all have important information concerning men and women involved in “Little Romances”.
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! She was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude
So, I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
💖💖💖
There was a young lady of Arden,
The tool of whose swain wouldn’t harden.
Said she with a frown,
“I’ve been sadly let down
By the tool of a fool in a garden.”
💞💞💞
There was a young lady named Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin,
But when she was tight
It seemed quite all right,
So, everyone filled her with gin.
💝💝💝
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but the wrong pew.
💘💘💘
NEVER GIVE UP
It’s time for some limerick history. As you may be aware I collect limericks from all sorts of sources. Recently I purchased a few small used books from an online thrift bookstore. Buying books in bulk is always a risk but sometimes it pays off with pleasant surprises. Today’s limericks were published in a small inconsequential book of just sixty pages in 1960. It’s been 64 years since then and many of the limericks in the book were collected from even older sources. They are officially titled “Laundered Limericks” meaning many were cleaned of obscenities to get them printed but still contain some vulgarities. I’d probably rate some of these as PG but that’s for you readers to decide.
An old maid in the land of Aloha
Got wrapped in the coils of a boa.
And as the snake squeezed
The maid, not displeased,
Cried, “Darling! I love it! Samoa!”
🙃🙃🙃
There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was screwed by Sir Oswald Du Maurier,
And then by six men,
Sir Oswald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
😎😎😎
There once was a man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation,
Making love on the floor,
To – I won’t say a whore,
But a lady of poor reputation.
😉😉😉
A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love all day
In the regular way
And all night they practice perversions.
🤪🤪🤪
GOTTA LUV THEM 60’S
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