Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
Today is a good day for a little innocent and harmless pop culture trivia. Whenever I find something odd or strange that catches my interest I make note of it and today is the day that I’m going to publish some of those notes. Some are interesting and some not so much. You decide.
- Although Sean Connery played Harrison Ford’s father in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Connery is just 12 years older than Ford.
- Among the actors who auditioned for the Han Solo role in the original Star Wars were Kurt Russell, Robert Englund, and even Sylvester Stallone.
- The state of Maine is really a popular state for fictional murders. It has been used as the setting for a surprising number of mysteries and thrillers by Stephen King.
- According to legend, hard rocking band Alice Cooper chose their name after using a Ouija board to communicate with a spirit named Alice Cooper.
- Yoda from Star Wars, the cookie monster from Sesame Street, and Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show were all voiced by the same person, Frank Oz.
- Sir Paul McCartney once released an album under the name Thrills Thrillington.
- Sean Connery turned down the role of Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings because he didn’t understand the script.
- In the Wizard of Oz movie, the dog playing Toto was paid an actual salary of $125 a week. Ironically this was more money than many of the film actors were paid.
- The first interracial kiss in television history happened on Star Trek.
And last but not least . . . .
- Actor Nicolas Cage was named after the comic book hero Luke Cage. Oddly enough my youngest grandson was named Cage after Nicolas Cage.
POP GOES THE WEASEL
I’m quite the fan of word games, puns, and almost anything related to the written or spoken word. The English language is a real minefield for immigrants to navigate and truthfully it’s just as tough for some of us home grown types. Todays quiz will test your knowledge of our language with trivia on words and phrases and how they came to be. As always the answers will be listed below.
- What is the measurement of “one foot’ based on?
- Who invented word “carport”?
- What ails you if your suffering from a bilateral preorbital hematoma?
- What are you afraid of if you have ergophobia?
- In Japan, what automobile part is known as a bakkumira?
- What is the chief symptom of someone suffering from oniomania?
- What is the origin of the word hoax?
- What does Iwo Jima mean in Japanese?
- How did the common airgun become known as a BB gun?
- How did “bloomers”, ladies pantaloons, get their name?
Answers
One third of the length of King Henry I’s arm, Frank Lloyd Wright, A black eye, Work, A rearview mirror, Graying of the hair, Uncontrollable urge to buy things, Its a contraction from hocus pocus, Sulfur Island, From it’s Ball Bearing ammunition, From suffragette Amelia Bloomer.
I’ve always enjoyed spicing up my posts with quotes from a variety of people from politicians, writers, and even a few not-brain-dead celebrities. I’ve been quoted a number of times myself primarily by my fellow subordinate associates after reading my comments on their performance reviews. I was always a little too frank in my comments and I may have hurt a few feelings over the years but it was also those same people who quoted me the most. I’ve always enjoyed quotes that were made by people whose ass I wasn’t required to kiss and always found more truth in frank discussions than politically correct nonsense. Here’s a sampling of quotes that were made concerning CRITICS.
- “Insects sting, not from malice but because they want to live. It is the same with critics – they desire our blood, not pain.” Friedrich Nietzsche
- “Don’t pay attention to bad reviews. Today’s newspaper is tomorrow’s toilet paper.” Jack Warner
- “He always praises the first production of each season, being reluctant to stone the first cast.“ Walter Winchell
- “The tongue is the only instrument that gets sharper with use.” Washington Irving
- “Critics are like eunuchs at a gang-bang.” George Burns
- “A good review from the critics is just another stay of execution.” Dustin Hoffman
- “Critics? – I love every bone in their heads.” Eugene O’Neill
- “Time is the only critic without ambition.” John Steinbeck
- “In judging others, folks will work overtime for no pay.” Charles Carruthers
AND last but not least:
- “Critics are a dissembling, dishonest, contemptible race of men. Asking a working writer what he feels about critics is like asking a lamppost what he feels about dogs.” John Osbourne
YOU SUCK! AND YOUR FIRED!
A few months ago I came upon a small innocent looking book titled 365 Women’s Reflections on Men. I’d made a few purchases of books that day and the owner of the store threw that little book into my bag as a freebie. Since I never refuse a book from anyone, I took it home and it’s been on the shelf for months. While I’m not partial to the negativity brush that feminism paints most of us men with, I think it’s only right if I pass a few tidbits your way and give some of these overt feminists the credit they rightfully deserve.
- “No man can call himself liberal, or radical, or even a conservative advocate of fair play, if his work depends in any way on the unpaid or underpaid labor of women at home, or in the office.” Gloria Steinem
- “Protectiveness has often muffled the sounds of doors closing against women.” Betty Friedan
- “Dear, never forget one little point: It’s my business. You just work here.” Elizabeth Arden (to her husband)
- “The only jobs for which no man is qualified are human incubators and wet nurses. Likewise, the only job for which no woman is or can be qualified is sperm donor.” Wilma Scott Heide
- “Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.” Queen Elizabeth I
- “I think women are just as moved by appearance [as men are], but they are willing to accept a situation where the man is less attractive because of the “who earns the bread” situation. Madonna
- “American men say “I love you” as part of the conversation.” Liv Ullman
- “If you never want to see a man again, say, “I love you, I want to marry you, and I want to have children . . . they will leave skid marks” Rita Rudner
- “I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.” Marie Corelli
- “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.” Zsa Zsa Gabor
I AM WOMAN . . . HEAR ME ROAR
Limericks are the best. I’ve been reading them for years and writing a great many of my own. My limerick archives go all the way back to 1879. I did discover that posting some of those really old ones requires a bit of a rewrite. Some of the profanities back then were just gratuitous and actually detracted from the overall entertainment value. I may have softened the language a little but they’re still a fun read. Todays selections are related specifically to younger women. Don’t complain to me about the content, the people who wrote these have been dead a very long time.
💥
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By winds that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong
You expected this line to be lewd. (1944)
💥💥
A lady athletic and handsome
Got wedged in her sleeping room transom.
When she offered much gold
For release, she was told
That the view was worth more than the ransom. (1944)
💥💥💥
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you’d probably think,
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass. (1940)
💞💞💞
I’m tempted to post a few of my own limericks but unfortunately they’re very rude and sexual explicit. I may rewrite them someday but not today. Instead I offer up a rather lame poem of mine written about my first sexual experience, to show all of you what a freaking romantic I’m not. LOL
💖PUPPY LOVE💖
First love is a thrill you never forget,
It sends a warmth through your heart.
Sixty years later the memory remains,
but the feelings have fallen apart.
How to recall those wonderful days,
when the freshness of things made you wish,
For the love a girl with beautiful hair,
in a field, all alone…
Do you smell fish?
😍😍😍
EAT YOUR HEART OUT WALT WHITEMAN
DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!
(A Male Public Service Announcement)
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local bars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by a woman. Many females are using a date rape drug on the market called “Beer.” The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply asks him to come home with her for some no-strings attached sex.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this Beer scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you just look up “Golf Courses” in the phone book
🍺🍺🍺
A man walks into a bar and says “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer. The bartender says, “Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem.” The man replies, N-n-no k-k-kidding!” The bartender says, “I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!” The man says, “W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know” A week later, the same man returns to the bar, and says, “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.” The bartender says, “Why didn’t you do what I told you?” “I d-d-did try”, said the man. “It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work. But I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-nice apartment.
AND TO MY BETTER-HALF AND ALL OF YOU OTHER BEER FANATICS
DRINK UP ! ! !
I feel like celebrating today due primarily to four consecutive days with no rain and being able to sleep at night without an electric blanket. It’s mid-June and winter keeps trying to hang on and I’m sick of it. Here are four moderately suggestive limericks I would rate at PG-13. Keep the kids away while you read them. Let’s get started.
💥
There once was a horny old witch
With a motorized dildo which
She would use with delight
All day and into the night
Twenty bucks at Abercrombie and Fitch.
💥💥
Nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And her ass-hole in Buckingham Palace
💥💥💥
There was a young woman of Croft
Who played with herself in a loft,
Having reasoned that candles
Would never cause scandals,
Besides which it never went soft.
💥💥💥💥
An agreeable young girl named Miss Doves
Likes to masturbate the men that she loves.
She’ll use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
🤪🤪🤪
C’MON SUMMER
It’s once again time for me to justify this blog’s name. Here are twelve items of Useless Information that aren’t commonly known.
- Although the earth is 70% water, just 1% of it is considered drinkable.
- The first people to measure Mount Everest lied about tall it was. Their measurement was exactly 29,000 feet but they thought no one would believe it came to that exact measurement so they added two more feet to the total.
- The animal with the longest hibernation period is a frog.
- Every planet in the solar system could fit in the space between Earth and the moon even if you include Pluto.
- Neil Armstrong claims that he actually said, “That’s one small step for a man” when he landed on the moon.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger almost missed out on the title role in Terminator to none other than O.J. Simpson.
- The mask worn by Michael Myers in the Halloween series was actually a white plastic Captain Kirk mask.
- Bill Buckner had more career hits than Ted Williams.
- No one has ever recorded a perfect March Madness bracket.
- Cleopatra’s reign was closer to the date of the moon landings than the building of the pyramids.
- The United States government once poisoned beer during prohibition.
- The first bomb dropped by the Allies on Germany during World War II killed an elephant. It fell on the Berlin zoo.
💩💩💩
JUST PLAIN USELESS
I’ve always been attracted to graveyards. There’s no better place to paint, sketch or write than the peaceful quietness of a graveyard. It’s one of the few places still left where someone can go and relax without interferences from the rest of the living human race. I once lived in a city called Lakeville in Massachusetts and for many years I was known far and wide by the police departments and many citizens as someone who was consistently haunting local graveyards. In the Plymouth area there are still tombstones from the 1600’s with some truly bizarre epithets and poetry. I just takes a little time and dedication to find them. Todays post will contain what some people would consider morbid information and that’s true, it is a little morbid but it’s still interesting. Being the kind and generous soul that I am, I’m willing to share.
😵😵😵
- “Haircut!” Last words of famous gangster Albert Anastasia in 1957 while getting a trim.
- “Smite my womb.” Spoken by Agrippina, mother of Nero, to the assassins sent to kill her by her son.
- “The strongest.” Uttered by Alexander the Great when asked who should succeed him.
- “The executioner is, I believe, an expert . . . and my neck is very slender. Oh God, have pity on my soul, . . . ” as she was beheaded.
- “I hope so.” Stated by Andrew Carnegie, steel magnet and philanthropist, to his wife who’d just wished him a good night:
Epithets
Burlington, Massachusetts
Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness sake;
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’,
So he sought for repose in a twelve dollar coffin.
😨😨😨
Whitingham, Vermont
Brigham Young
Born on this spot
1801
A man of great courage
and superb equipment.
😱😱😱
Skaneateles, New York
Underneath this pile of stones
Lies all that’s left of Sally Jones,
Her name was Briggs, it was not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.
🤠🤠🤠
One of my fav’s
Boot Hill Cemetery, Dodge City, Kansas
PLAYED FIVE ACES,
NOW PLAYING THE HARP.
Since my retirement I’ve become addicted to watching old black and white movies and TV shows. Say what you want, it takes more than special effects to make a movie or TV worth watching. I’ve been hooked on the old Wyatt Earp shows, Peter Gunn, and The Saint (both movies and TV). It amazes me how well they’ve held up over the decades since their production. Todays quiz involves ten questions about old movies and TV shows. As always the answers will be listed below.
- What famous character actor prepared for a career in psychiatry, studying and working with pioneer psychoanalysts Sigmund Freud and Alfred Adler, before turning to acting?
- Who wrote the scripts for his own films under pseudonyms that included Otis T. Criblecoblis and Mahatma K. Jeeves?
- Who provided Mickey Mouse’s high-pitched voice in the early Walt Disney film starring the animated mouse?
- Who sung Miss Piggy singing voice in The Muppet Movie?
- Who played Scorpio, the statistic killer, in Clint Eastwood’s 1971 film, Dirty Harry?
- What was Boris Karloff’s real name?
- Who was Fred Astaire’s first silver screen dancing partner?
- Who played Vincent Price’s menacing music assistant in the 3-D horror film House of Wax?
- Where did Charlie Chaplin place when he entered a Charlie Chapman look-alike contest in Monte Carlo?
- In what film did the star propose by saying, “Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse?”
🎥🎞️📺
Answers
Peter Lorre, W.C. Fields, Walt Disney, Johnny Mathis, Andy Robinson son of Edward G., William Henry Pratt, Joan Crawford, Charles Bronson, Third Place, Groucho Marx.
everyuselessthing.com 