Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
With the Summer more than half over our garden time is more about canning, drying, and storing the results of our efforts than anything else. I’ve been asked in the past how I can get so much production from such a small garden. There’s really no simple answer. An old adage immediately comes to mind: “Plan the work, then work the plan.” Test your soil and keep it fresh, season to season, with compost. Plant your plants near compatible plants. Pull the weeds and kill the bugs. Easy peasy!
The following picture was taken this morning of my small herb garden. The total square footage is 60 ft. which isn’t all that much. I’ve noted the herbs planted there and while they are jammed tightly into the small space they are flourishing.
This small patch has been supplying us with fresh and dried herbs for more than seven years and will hopefully continue to do so. We’ve had so much luck with our herbs growing that next year we’re converting another 100 square feet of garden space for a much larger herb selection. This little patch will continue as is but the new area will be loaded with every herb I can find that we can dry and store. With a larger and more diverse collection I can begin harvesting herbs to create my own mixes for picking, canning, home brewing, and cooking.
Growing more herbs has a number of advantages over vegetables because none of Mother Nature’s little critters seem to like the herbs. That doesn’t include neighborhood felines who find fresh catnip rather interesting. That will allow me to remove some of the fencing I have in place and eliminate my current problems of ripping my clothing on the fence or constantly falling on my butt trying to climb over it. My better-half claims that I’m the clumsiest person on the planet but I dispute that. I’m just unlucky is all.
I will try to post as usual but our upcoming vacation may make it difficult. I’ll attempt to post from New Orleans if I can but after all it is a vacation. I’ll have plenty to post about upon our return.
ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR SUMMER
Fresh and delicious shrimp.
Do these shrimp look good to you? They were just as delicious as you might think or so says my better-half. She’s a shrimp junkie going back many years and considers herself an expert. I tried just one and really couldn’t disagree.
Summer time meals are something special around here and are to be enjoyed and relished whenever possible. While I’m not a big fan of shrimp or lobster I do love just about everything else that the ocean has too offer. I experiment when possible to come up with new flavors and textures with my seafood. This week we picked up those shrimp and a large haddock fillet just for me.
To make things a little more interesting I poached the fillet in habanero wine. I made this wine a few years back and it carries with it a delicious flavor and heat. Once the poaching was completed the fillets were dropped onto the grill to give them a little crispiness.
Just sooooo good.
Then it’s off to the table with a side of fresh corn-on-the-cob and a glass of Chardonnay. Cherry tomatoes picked just before the meal and chilled are a perfect addition. That beer in the picture belongs to my better-half. She considers any beer she drinks as her Chardonnay.
The garden continues to flourish now that we’ve had a few days of rain to help perk things up. I picked this collection of hot peppers (Serrano, Fresno, jalapeno, and Anaheim’s) today because tomorrow is salsa day and I want them as fresh and hot as I can get.
I’ll be slicing and dicing all of the other salsa ingredients this evening in preparation for tomorrow. This is the best part of Summer for me without a doubt.
OLE!
As you all know I love gardening. That doesn’t change the fact that at times it’s as frustrating as hell. Last year my garden problems concerned a number of God’s annoying little critters that insisted on attacking my garden. Since I’m a problem solver I installed a fence around certain portions of the garden that they like to eat. Problem solved, right? No way. The following photos were some of the items harvested so far this year in spite of the critters.
The culprit from last years fiasco has since disappeared and we haven’t had one of his nightly visits this year. Unfortunately he has friends that were apparently given detailed directions to find us. This year for the first time in eight years we were visited by a big fat groundhog. He was sitting right in the middle of the yard watching the house when I spotted him the first time. He ran into a culvert to hide and I immediately dropped a couple of fire crackers in after him. If it didn’t scare him, it certainly deafened him. Problem solved, right! Not hardly.
A week later he was back sitting in the same spot and it appeared he may have been taunting me a little. I couldn’t see all that clearly but I think he might have been giving me the finger as well. It was time for the big guns. With my handy pistol in hand I gave chase and took a shot at him. He was one helluva lot faster than he looked and escaped with his life. Problem solved, Right! No effing way.
A few day later I discovered that someone had been eating my kale plants that were of course, not inside the damn fence. It’s man against the critters once again. I’ve never won any battles against them before but maybe this time I’ll have more luck.
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I HATE MOTHER NATURE
I have to say that the last week of weather has been as good as it can get for Maine in August. Temperatures during the day have been in the mid-80’s and dropping into the mid-50’s at night. Just perfect. Since it’s been so nice we decided to take our visitors for a day trip to Portland. A hot and sunny Sunday in August means lots of tourist and thousands of people to watch. Finding parking is usually a problem but we got lucky, parked the car, and headed down Commercial Street into the Old Port.
Commercial Street runs right along the length of the harbor and always has some nice shots available of the boats.
The ladies were in and out of a dozen shops and buying, buying, and buying. I spent most of that time people watching and taking a few pictures for future use.
We returned home tired and hungry and began the preparation of our dinner. Shish-kabobs, salads, pies, cakes, and a growler full of Goat Island Light beer. Since it was my birthday my better-half bought me the only beer I like. and it was wonderful. After dinner we made our way to the beach located in Scarborough, Maine. A cool breeze was blowing and the water was perfect for wading and relaxing.
The clouds just kept getting darker and darker but it never rained.
It didn’t take long to tire us all out and we returned home to relax for the rest of the night. Another great day and an even better birthday.
I’m a little late in posting today due in part to visiting family from Maryland. All of us have been kept rather busy for a few days which makes posting this blog more difficult. Things remain much of the same around here. I take care of the garden, cut what grass that hasn’t been burned away by the heat and lack of rain, and of course . . . PRAY FOR RAIN.
I’m also in the midst of a battle with a community of squirrels (both gray and red) that have a special love for our house and our bird feeders. A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in our second floor living room doing some work on my laptop. The living room is directly adjacent to a porch that leads onto a second story deck. I had the door to the deck open so the stupid cat could lounge around outside which in hindsight was my first big mistake.
I was completely focused on the computer but noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked up and sitting in the middle of the living room was a red squirrel calmly watching me. Apparently a string of loud curse words are the perfect squirrel repellent I’ve been looking for. He made a dash for the door and onto the deck and dove straight into the nearby trees. Where was my ferocious cat? He was asleep on the chair not three feet from the damn squirrel. He barely blinked an eye as I was screaming at it. He’ll pay for his total lack of interest in the very near future.
The very next day I heard a noise on the porch and that same little red squirrel was in the process of chewing through a bag of bird seed. Again he escaped but just barely. He sat in a nearby tree chittering at me until I shot him in the ass with a B-B gun. I hate killing them but I will certainly take every opportunity to give him a bruise or two with that B-B gun.
Soooooooo! Today I was once again alone in the house working in the living room. I was really concentrating on my project and jumped nearly three feet in the air due to a loud crash on the porch. I ran over to investigate and found a big fat gray squirrel sitting next to an overturned container of bird seed. He saw me and very calmly walked out onto the deck and split. I may be a little slow on the uptake but I’m reasonably certain the word is out in the squirrel community that I have food on my porch.
Tomorrow I will begin taking steps to address these issues but I’m not optimistic. I’ve been involved in two other squirrel wars at other places I’ve lived and sadly lost them both.
I’M HOPING FOR THE BEST AND EXPECTING THE WORST
I feel the need today to once again fill your heads with more of my useless information. These factoids were chosen at random and are in no particular order or category.
- Thomas Jefferson invented the swivel chair.
- The philosopher Daniel Dennett introduced the Frisbee to Britain.
- Isaac Newton invented the cat door.
- The longest length of time from invention to production was for the ballpoint pen at 58 years. The zipper took only 32 years.
- Windshield wipers, laser printers, and bullet-proof vests were invented by women.
I’m amazed at some of the facts I’ve been finding and the longer I look the crazier they seem to get. Lets continue.
- In India, 127 million people were vaccinated in a single day in 1997.
- There are nearly as many American Indians in California now as there were in the eighteenth century.
- By 2007, the cost of a coffin in Bagdad was 50-75 dollars, up from 5-10 before the Iraq war.
- In Britain, 93% of young people can master a computer game while only 38% can bake a potato.
- Jack Bauer, the lead character from the series 24, personally killed 112 people in the first five seasons of the show.
Re your eyes getting tired? Are you bored yet? No! I’ll just keep going until you’re asleep.
- There are no legal public cinema’s in Saudi Arabia.
- One in every 3400 Americans is an Elvis impersonator.
- There are approximately twenty families with the name Obama in the US, compared with more than 11,000 Clintons and 60,000 Bushes.
- In the year 1377, 35% of all English men were named John.
- There are more people named Chang in China than there are people in Germany.
That’s just about it for today but I have one more tidbit I especially liked:
“In the urban West, one of every three women has blond hair; only one in 20 is a natural blond.”
Someone has the best job ever. He spends all day checking to see if the rugs match the drapes.
I WANT THAT JOB
Have you ever had the pleasure of watching the movie, Adventures in Babysitting? I’ve loved that movie for years but living through the actual thing isn’t quite as satisfying. This past week has been an adventure for sure.
I’m officially awarding my better-half my version of the Medal of Honor. She was the main caregiver for two short and lovable little terrorists. I was involved as well but to a lesser degree and thank God for that. Just picture the situation. Both parents left on vacation and were off to LA LA Land. It was the first time that the two boys aged 1 and 3 were separated from their parents and someone had to pay and it was us, the grandparents. OMG!
My better-half may need a week or more to recuperate because they absolutely wore her out, took a short nap, and then wore her out again. She has the patience of a saint but I do not. She made a point of getting me involved as much as she possibly could and I’ll never let her hear the end of that. They drove me to the edge and when I wasn’t looking they kicked me into the abyss.
Diapers, noise, fighting, throwing stuff, and that was on the good days. I never thought I’d see the day when a one year old maniac would bean me with a toy truck as I sat and watched Alvin and the Chipmunks with his big brother for the umpteenth time. I know it’ll take weeks to get that damn theme song out of my head again.
I never realized that walking from my bed to the bathroom in the middle of the night could be so treacherous. It was like trying to tiptoe through a Lego minefield. I’m sure the pain in my foot will fade in a few weeks and I really do believe I look pretty cool walking with a slight limp.
Thank God their parents returned home last night and my better-half did what could be called a family drive-by. Drive to their home, dump the kids, jump back into the car and escape. I had a cold beer waiting for her and our living room had been cleared of most of the debris left in their wake. Two huge sighs of relief and a much needed moment of silence to thank the Gods this week was over.
We slept in this morning, had our delicious cups of coffee, and paused to enjoy the quiet. All in all the week was a success with no injuries, sicknesses, or fatalities. I saw my cat this morning and unfortunately he may have been traumatized permanently. We’ll have to wait and see about that.
IT WAS A GREAT WEEK
I mentioned in a previous post that I was looking forward to a few days vacation while my better-half was babysitting at her daughter’s home. It’s coming to an end today and while I’ve missed her terribly my sleep has been much improved. I actually slept for a full eight hours last night for the first time in months. Add that together with a large bed, a beautiful ceiling fan, and my naked butt . . . it was glorious.
This is sleeping OMFG naked.
I take a look of heat from my better-half because I insist on sleeping naked. Since leaving home at age eighteen and except for two years in the Army this is my preferred method of sleeping. I’m confused as to why so many people roll their eyes when I tell them that. Are they prudes? Are they religiously offended? Who knows. One thing for sure I will defended myself vigorously if someone decides to ridicule me.
I first have to determine exactly where they’re coming from before I retaliate. Do they object to the word NAKED or the fact that I’m really bare assed naked in bed. I like for critics to be specific to avoid confusing me because there is a term that’s overused in some areas of the country that is similar but has a totally different meaning. That word is NEKID! Sleeping nekid means something very different than sleeping naked. Being nekid means there won’t be much sleeping going on and the nekid person is there to take care of business (if you get my drift).
Who knew Harry and Draco slept nekid?
Upon her return to our bed tonight I will greet her very, very naked with serious thoughts of becoming nekid at some point. For you critics out there don’t be afraid to think outside-the-box (no pun intended) for a change. You won’t regret it.
WELCOME HOME BABY!
I’m still on my first cup of coffee this morning. I’ve been awake for an hour and only left my bed once. I’m relaxing and preparing for my day which I hope will remain calm and restful. I’m trying to decide what I’ll be doing with my unexpected few days of vacation I’m on. Anyone who is in a lengthy relationship knows that any day your spouse or partner is away doing something is a free vacation (mental health) day. We certainly never tell them that’s how we feel but facts are facts.
My better-half has once again volunteered to help out her daughter and son-in-law by babysitting their children for three days while they’re on vacation in Los Angeles. I volunteered to stay at our home while she travels to their residence to be with the kids. She’ll be staying there until the weekend and it’s my job to arrive in a timely fashion with takeout meals and moral support. That’s the kind of job I really like. For a change I’m able to avoid a total commitment of my time and energy to others and to enjoy my alone time Hooray for me.
I get to spend my day working on a painting I started a few days ago for which I need real peace and quiet to do. I hope to make serious progress over the next three days while listening to music that soothes me instead of hurting my ears. It could be as close to heaven as I can get these days and I intend to make the most of it. It will end soon enough.
My biggest chore for today is to decide what food I need to buy for their dinner and when to deliver it to her and the kids. I suspect she’ll be damn glad to see me after chasing the two toddlers, two dogs, and two cats around the house for half a day. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy but she seems to love it. I’d better remember to throw a couple of cold beers into the food bag as well. It’ll be just like tossing a life vest to a drowning man.
Well, I’d like to keep writing but my stomach is rumbling and wants to be fed. I’ll make us a delicious breakfast, drink another cup of excellent coffee, and count my blessings once again. I can picture in my head my better-half, the two little boys, two dogs, and two cats all snuggled together in bed for the next two nights. I can’t help but smile a little and when no ones around to hear I can laugh my ass off.
Special Note to Self: Be sure to give her a thorough flea and tick inspection upon her return. We don’t need any tiny livestock catching a ride to our house.
WHO DOESN’T LOVE VACATION DAYS
In my last post I took you on a tour of Old Orchard Beach, Maine. You got to see the beaches full of people, a friendly bar to hangout in, and a cute bikini clad girl buried in sand. I hope you didn’t think that covered our entire visit because there was much more to it. Today I’ll take you along on our continuing tour that includes my better-half’s favorite spot. Welcome to the Amusement Park.
Doesn’t look like much from the outside but . . .
The Arcade while not my favorite place is always interesting. Tourists from just about anywhere flock to this place to throw their money away or to just drop off their kids for a few hours. Where else can you win tickets for doing just about anything and at the end of your day you’d have spent forty bucks to win enough tickets to buy a pack of gum. My better-half is for some reason a Skee Ball addict. She insists on throwing her money away, winning a fistful of tickets, that she ends up giving to some kid who happens to be standing around picking his nose. It’s always puzzled me and I fear it will continue to do so.
Who can resist all of this fine looking merchandise?
Never let it be said that I’m immune to the attractions of this park. I was once again drawn to a booth where I was permitted to spend five bucks to throw two tiny bean bags at some under inflated balloons. Being a former Little League baseball player I was stunned when I actually broke two of those stupid balloons and won my honey this glorious and somewhat ridiculous prize.
Who doesn’t love a cuddly little frog?
Once again I became a willing victim of all the hype that’s constantly spewed by this park. It seems to happen every time I visit here and stranger still, I don’t mind at all.
I’m so excited by all the hubbub in an amusement park I actually feel kind of bad that I’m not permitted to ride these stupid rides. As a young kid I was too short to ride them and now all these years later I’m too tall and plump to fit in them. There’s just no justice in this world.
FORTUNATELY . . . IT’S ALL GOOD FUN!
OUR SUMMER CONTINUES!
everyuselessthing.com 