Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
The ice and snow is finally melting. It would appear that we’ve seen the last of the big Winter storms for this year. While the temperatures are in the mid- forties during the day the nights remain cold as hell. It’s a great trade off as far as I’m concerned. We still have tons of snow and ice on the roof of the house but it’s already been reduced by at least twenty percent. The remainder should fall this week as it appears to have moved a few inches with this minor thaw.
‘When this ice hits the ground the entire house will shake.’
I made a trip to Lowe’s in preparation for the rebuilding of my mailbox for the third year in a row. If I had the extra money I might even consider a small yet annoying lawsuit against the town to demand repayment for all of the mailboxes they’ve destroyed over the years. From the looks of things as I drive around I’m just one of thousands who have the same complaint.
‘I know this looks almost usable but the door won’t close and the pole it sits on is missing. Take away the snow and it will be sitting on the ground.’
I’ve come up with a creative solution to the mailbox problem which will require me to spend a bit more money than I’d like. If it works I won’t be buying any more mailboxes in the future. As that project proceeds I’ll post some photo’s so all of you that don’t suffer from this problem can have a chuckle or two.
‘This is a sample of one of the many Maine seasons. We have Summer, Snow, Snirt (Snow/Dirt), Mud, and Black Fly. This is SNIRT.’
The sun is shining this morning and I’m anticipating a decent day where I might actually get out of the house and into the woods. This year has been one that made it difficult to get out and about even with snowshoes. I tried it once and was exhausted within minutes. With three feet of snow on the ground even snowshoes can’t help. I think today I’ll get my car desalted, take a few pictures and celebrate seeing actual pavement for the first time in months. I may have to be retrained to drive on real dry asphalt.
C’mon Spring!
I spend an hour or so every other morning sitting in this bed and writing about my life and my interactions with the rest of the human race. Sometimes it’s interesting and sometimes not so much. There are times when finding subject matter becomes an issue. It’s not a problem finding things to write about it’s deciding what things shouldn’t be written about that is my main problem.
I’ve been taken to task on many occasions by both friends and family about things I’ve written. Some asked, some begged, and others demanded that they be left alone and not included in my ramblings. It took years for me to find that comfortable little niche where I was allowed to say just about anything without repercussions. You see my problem don’t you? It’s the reason that I never post photo’s or use names of the people in my life. Truthfully they think what they and say do is so vitally important and private that I should never write a thing about them. I think that’s a huge steaming pile of ridiculousness because everyone is egocentric and thinks the world would stop tuning if their everyday boring crap isn’t kept totally secret. That’s silly I know but everyone including myself seems to feel that way. I guess that just means we’re all a little more delusional than we’re aware of or care to admit.
I thought it was time for me to restate my approach to blogging because it continues to change and be readjusted the longer I do it. I suppose I could give all of the more important and interesting characters in my life cute little nicknames or aliases but that to me is stupid. I could write in great detail about all of them and their activities and cause a great deal of turmoil as I went about doing it. I could post questionable photographs of them so the world would know just how important they’re not. But I don’t and I won’t. That simple statement should help some of them sleep a little better tonight.
This posting is just a polite statement of my style of blogging and my motives. I blog because I love to write and what better things are there to write about than my own activities. I’ll continue to do this for as long as I can regardless of what anyone thinks. The only motivation that keeps me going is that generated by me. Outside influences are interesting but annoying and have no effect on how I approach this blog. It will continue without change into the future.
Even Ted Kaczynski had a manifesto that explained his bizarre way of thinking. That’s the right of every citizen to voice their opinions regardless of how right or wrong they are. I intend to keep my blog rated at a PG level but with a minimal amount of cussing and swearing. I do plenty of that in my everyday life and find it much more pleasurable than writing it. There’ll be no photos of people in my life and no actual names will be ever be used. It isn’t really necessary because they all know who the hell they are anyway.
So I’m about to leave my warm bed and begin my day. The blogging will continue and be as harmless as possible except when someone or something pisses me off. That’s just human nature and I choose to do it here on this blog rather than standing at a water cooler bitching about the world to a bunch of people who are bitching right back at me.
I prefer individual bitching rather than having it become a group activity. This blog is MY water cooler.
Have a wonderful and sarcastic day.
Today has turned into a throw away day. It started late last night when I got caught up reading another Jack Reacher adventure novel and before I knew it it was 3 am. I crawled into bed finally and was just about asleep when my better-half’s alarm went off at 4 am. I stumbled into the kitchen and poured myself a large mug of coffee but it barely helped at all. As I groggily passed my better-half in the hallway I kissed her on the forehead entered the bedroom and fell into bed once again. I set my alarm for 830 am because I was sure my eye doctor would be patiently waiting for my arrival in his office at 930 am.
I fell asleep for a half hour and then was forced to get dressed and get moving. I left the house three times and returned within minutes each time. It doesn’t sound like a big deal normally but since the installation of our security system it’s become a real pain in the ass. I returned first when I forgot my camera and left again, then I returned once more when I forgot my Kindle and left again, and lastly I returned because I forgot to turn off the alarm on my beside clock. All that screwing around was making me a little crazy and the alarm system was talking to me the entire time and sending me emails for fifteen minutes. Oh, the price we pay for protection.
I arrived at the Mall of Maine with time to spare but since the stores don’t open until 10 am I couldn’t do any window shopping. I was forced into the food court for a coffee and a little people watching. I try never to go near malls but this trip became very educational very quickly. As I sat drinking my coffee and killing a little time the herds of senior citizens began circling. A continuous stream of blue hairs with walkers, canes, and even wheelchairs went flowing by like a river of old farts. These people are the early morning mall rats who eventually will turn over custody of the mall to the teenage mall rats who like to sleep until early afternoon. Just two moderately interesting social groups with their own little routines and pecking orders.
It was a fashion experience I could have done without. Walking outfits of bright colored spandex were everywhere and I have to say there’s nothing like a seventy-five year old pear shaped cutie in a pink fluorescent body suit strutting her stuff. And believe me she had a lot of stuff to strut. The longer I sat there the more looks I was getting because I was a new face in the crowd. Before I knew it two apparently single ladies plopped down at my table and offered to buy me a coffee refill. Many people say that the girls of our younger generations are somewhat more aggressive than the young girls of the past. I think that’s true to a degree but they have nothing on these single, spry, and sexually interested older women. Man it was a just little scary since I haven’t been hit on like that for quite some time.
Fortunately I was able to sneak away after telling them I was late for my eye doctor appointment. I heard a few "we’ll see you tomorrow’s" as I walked quickly away and made a note to myself on my phone: No more freaking morning mall visits.
Yikes!!!
The snow is finally trying to melt and with a week of temperatures in the high thirties we could see a lot of it go away. Believe me I won’t be the least bit upset if it does.
The better-half and I made our way out into the countryside this week when we were lucky enough to have a bright, clear, and sunny day. It was cold as hell but that wouldn’t effect the picture taking at all. We agreed that this trip would be to find and photograph many of the older deserted homes and out buildings that seem to dot the landscape here in farm country. With the amount of snow we received this year I expected to find at least one that had been crushed from the weight of the snow. Each year many of these old building are lost to Mother Nature and I want as many pictures of them as I can get before that happens. The first one we happened upon had a collapsed roof and lots of damage.
‘Another one bites the dust.’
I do love the photo’s they provide me with. They have much more character now than when they were newly built.
They just look so cool with trees growing up through the walls and roof. I kind of hate to see them go by the wayside but they won’t be forgotten. As of today they’ve officially been immortalized.
Here’s another one that couldn’t take the weight of snow. It will probably end up as a large bonfire some time in the early Spring. We had a really fun afternoon during a wintry and freezing cold February. Here’s one last photo from our house. When the icicles begin to drop Spring can’t be too far off.
I can’t believe it but I’ve succeeded in sleeping in until 9am this morning. I suppose the late night pickup at the Portland Jetport is primarily responsible. My better-half’s flight was scheduled to arrive at 10pm but air travel being what it is she arrived on a different airline and at 1140pm. Airline travel sucks on a good day but then you add in Maine and winter weather it becomes ridiculous. I won’t get into a major rant on airline companies today because anyone who flies anywhere that isn’t first class or non-stop is well aware how they make you suffer. Maybe they’re doing it intentionally to force as many people as possible to pay the extra money to avoid flying coach with multiple connectors.
Maybe I should thank my better-half for bringing back a little sunshine from her journey. For the first time in a long while I was awakened by bright sunshine blasting through the layer of ice hanging from the house and into my bedroom. It’s a brilliant sunny day and the temperature has yet to reach 20 degrees. These photographs were taken from inside the house because it’s almost impossible to walk anywhere in this deep snow.
As you can see it’s impossible to enjoy the scenery without ice and snow being the main focus. The cold weather is expected to last well into March which means this ice will be hanging around (no pun intended) for at least another month.
The birds are finally making an appearance in fairly large numbers. They’re roosting in nearby trees and soaking up as much of the sunshine as they possibly can. It’s tough being a bird in any northern state at this time of the year.
The squirrels aren’t going to be too happy either when they’re finally able to stick their heads out of their nests. Mother Nature has badly damaged their feeder which will be my first Spring project.
Today is that day that occurs every six weeks or so and honestly it’s not one of my favorites. Let me explain.
First, regardless of what you know or think you know I’m not a fanatical environmentalist. I’m a former Greenpeace member who bailed out on them when they decided to turn their attentions to banning nuclear power. I’m a former Sierra Club member who decided that any organization that puts the needs of animals before humans regardless of the consequences is too extreme for me. I’m also militantly against organizations like PETA and the idiots that run them.
Now let me confuse you further. Up until 8 years ago I NEVER recycled anything. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about the environment but I just didn’t see any long term benefits that required an investment of my time. I understand the need for it now but for the most part I didn’t take it seriously then.
When I met my better-half and after we decided to be together FOREVER my brainwashing began. In any relationship it’s mandatory that each participant be willing to compromise on certain things to maintain harmony. My better-half is convinced that by recycling she will save the world. Totally naïve but understandable. Unfortunately the town of Saco, Maine where we live apparently agrees with her. We’re now forced to recycle by the local government which in turn gives her even more ammunition to use against me. Separate the paper and plastic into the brown container and all of that good old fashioned trash into the green container. If you don’t obey the rules the town will refuse to pick up your trash. Heil Hitler to you too.
All of my working life experiences and accomplishments have now been turned on their head. Every six weeks or so I’m required to make a trip to a local recycling center to cash in bags of bottle and cans. I was coerced into maintaining those containers at our residence where each days bottles and cans can be collected and stored. Now part of my garage smells suspicious like that dumpy recycling center. If you like the smell of stale beer and garbage you too can be an environmentalist.
We live in a rural area and use a well as our primary source of water. Unfortunately well water is notorious for heavy mineral content and the occasional smell of rotten eggs. So for cooking, coffee making, and normal consumption we use bottled water purchased from local retailers. My new career as forced upon me by my better-half has reduced me to the level of a homeless guy wandering the streets collecting bottles and cans to save a nickel or two.
So every six to eight weeks I bundle up bags of bottles and cans, put the stinky crap in my car, and head out to collect my seven dollars. It supplies me with just enough money to pay for my cat’s needs. His food, treats, and litter are now paid for by my endless recycling efforts. To tell you the truth I’d much rather just pay for it myself and stop all this madness but this is the compromise I must make to maintain this Garden of Eden we live in and all of the benefits it provides.
Oh yeah, I’m also saving the freaking world too. Brother !!!
The cat and I have been reduced to bachelor status since my better-half flew off to Delaware until next Tuesday. She had a death in her family and had to to drop everything quickly and catch a flight. I dropped her at the airport in a freaking blizzard and returned home. Three hours later she was still in the plane sitting on the runway waiting for it to be deiced. Just hearing that made my palms a little sweaty. That late start insured she’d miss her connector in Newark and be forced to stay the night at one of New Jersey’s finer motels. Anything that an airlines agrees to pay for will almost certainly be on the lower end of the luxury scale. She eventually made it to Baltimore the following day as a much more experienced traveler than when she left.
I woke up yesterday to a little more snow but it didn’t upset me at all. I tried to get a good nights sleep but the cat was being a huge pain in the ass. He was upset that my better-half wasn’t there and kept getting up when he heard noises thinking she had come home. It drove me a little crazy and around 3 am after a few minutes of rude name calling I locked him out of the bedroom. It truly is a miracle that he’s lived as long as he has because I’ve wanted to kill him on numerous occasions and last night was one of them. He’s definitely used up all of his nine lives by now so he’d better be careful in the future.
Today I thawed out a large container of my four alarm, OMFG chili and choked it down while watching TV and working on the computer. I’ve been doing everything possible to convince Windows 8.1 to accept an old computer game from 1995 so I can play it once again. It’s my all time favorite simulation and Hooray, Hooray, I finally got it working. The game is called Pharaoh with an add-on called Cleopatra. It’s still good after all these years and tomorrow I’ll be spending a good part of the day having some fun with it.
The cat has calmed down a little so tonight should be a little quieter. With any luck I’ll be able to get out with my camera tomorrow and commune with good old Mother Nature for a while. I’d like to get another collection of really good snow photos before winter suddenly comes to an end.
My better-half should be returning on Tuesday after the funeral and I’ll sure be happy about that.
I have a huge smile on my face today for the first time in a long while. I’m celebrating the big OOPS from the weather forecasters. All I’ve been hearing for the last week is OMG prepare for the blizzard of the century. The warnings began with stock up on food, water, gasoline, and possibly condoms. Then they said, the snow is going to be so deep you may not be able to leave the house at all, it’s the storm of the millennium, the blizzard of all blizzards, wind chills of twenty below zero! God help us all! It was all just so much BS.
I went to bed last night expecting to wake up to 24 plus inches of fresh snow, drifts seven feet high, and winds over fifty mph. NOT, NOT, AND NOT. I went out early to clear the driveway and measured just 4-5 inches of new snow and the wind speed was moderate. So many businesses and agencies who listen and swear by these weather people had cancelled their activities as reflected on every TV channel in the area last night.
I returned to the house and made myself a great breakfast of bacon, eggs, toast and coffee. I looked out the window and it still wasn’t snowing. I returned to my chore of clearing more snow from the deck so I could reach the bird feeders. The birds have been clamoring for days for seed and suet refills and I was beginning to feel just a little guilty.
It took about twenty minutes to complete and all the while the birds were circling me and the feeders and waiting for me to get he hell out of the way. These woodpeckers are especially aggressive and are constantly fighting with the blue jays for ownership of the feeders. On top of that they barely tolerate me being in the area. Damn birds.
For two days I’ve been clearing tons of snow and ice from my deck. It wraps around the second floor of the house and is a joy in warm weather. However in the winter it’s a real bitch. I’ve found out this year just how well built it really is and how much weight it can hold.
I think I’ll retire to the living room soon and get reacquainted with my X-Box. I need an hour or two of head clearing mayhem before the better-half gets home from work and rewrites my honey-do list.
Thanks to all of you weather people out there for your miscalculations and incorrect forecasts. Keep up the good work.
Another day in the deep freeze that is Maine. I keep bitching about all of the snow but each day I’m also anticipating and hoping for a few snow free days. We had three or four inches of snow yesterday which this year is like nothing at all. I’ve been constantly trying to widen the driveway in order to have more room for the new snow that’s coming but it’s a losing battle. Here are a few mailbox related photo’s. None of them are my mail box because it was totally destroyed by the snow plow in the last storm. I have only a bag full of pieces left.
‘This is as good as you can hope for.’
‘This delusional neighbor honestly thought these red streamers would help.’
‘You’ve Got Mail – NOT’
I checked the weather forecast last night and OMFG was I sorry I did. A new storm is on the way and is forecast to drop somewhere in the area of two more feet on us on Saturday and Sunday. To add insult to injury they’re predicting wind gusts of fifty mph which should make for some humongous snow drifts and ball freezing wind chills. The drifts could possibly get as high as six feet or more.
With all of that good news coming our way I’m going to spend this snow free Friday preparing for the coming storm and also our celebration of Valentines Day. I’ve completed my shopping for Valentines Day gifts and if it snows a few feet we’ll have lots of snuggling time to be sure.
My better-half made arrangements last night for a heating oil delivery this morning and I’m patiently waiting for the truck to get here. I spent a half-hour last night digging a path from the driveway around the side of the house to where the oil tank nozzle is located. If we don’t have a path properly cleared they won’t deliver the oil. I’m always cooperative especially when I have no freaking choice.
The next chore is to make a quick trip out for a few gallons of gas for the snowblower. With all this snow on the way the blower will be getting a serious workout and I certainly don’t want to run out of fuel. I’d have a heart attack and die if I was forced to shovel all this white crap by hand. We’ve stocked up on food and checked the generator to make sure we’ll have power if there’s an outage. Just a normal process we must adhere to for any large winter storm here in Maine. Then we can sit back, watch the snow pile up, and pray for Spring to arrive.
I heard on the news yesterday that we’ve had between seventy and eighty inches of snow since the first of the year which even in Maine is outrageous. It should make for some really cool photographs and I intend to take as many as I possibly can. I guess the old saying is true, “when you’re given lemons make lemonade.”
My life is no longer my own. It seems my only purpose in life is to monitor the weather reports to determine how much snow is coming and then to spend a great deal of time moving the white stuff around to clear walkways and the driveway. With two storms a week becoming the norm I can anticipate more and more snow in the next few weeks.
Even my cat is pissed about the snow. His routine includes four hours a day lying on a huge bean bag in front of the picture window. He loves watching traffic go by and seeing the birds flying around. That’s his job and if you get right down to it, it’s a better job than mine. I took this picture today as he sat looking out at the snow. He’s not too happy about it either.
‘It’s a little tough to see much of anything.’
The snow and ice on the roof worry me a little because every night the news reports tell of collapsing roofs on all sorts of buildings. As you can see from this view from my bedroom window, the icicles are almost ten feet long on the rear of the house.
It’s a wonder that any of the birds that stick around through the winter are still alive. We normally feed them all winter but it’s tough even getting to the feeders with five or six feet of snow making it almost impossible. I tried to take a short walk just a few feet into the backyard and this was as far as I could get.
I keep hearing that this is the snowiest winter in recent memory here in Maine. Taking into account that March is normally our snowiest month we may be in for a lot more before Spring decides to arrive. If this craziness keeps up I may have to invest in a much larger and fancier snowblower. It should have a nice padded seat, a heater, and a hookup for my Ipod. A cup holder would also be nice because I wouldn’t want to spill my Irish coffee.
Then bring on the effing snow.
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